#but for all of this year ive been out to my family

[starshipdecay]

Toon Zelda redesigns! I've never been fond of the Toon Zelda design, and these girls deserve some individuality. Design notes and rambles below the cut :D

(time to turn the proper grammar off i aint capitalizing all this. warning: i am verbose)

first up, tmc zelda!

shes the one most like toon zelda, since i felt like the vibes fit the *most* (though not a lot). also, with her place on the timeline, i could justify a lot of bits, like the wings and the cape

the cape! obvs it comes from the toon zelda base design, but also it involves skyloftian fashion! i take the timeline as a challenge, and i once saw a take somewhere that the skyloftians all wear their family crests (most often birds lol) on their person. zelda here (and link too) do just that, wearing their family crests on little caplets. on the back is, of course the royal crest

i went very cutesy princess for her. tmc has such a *whimsical* vibe that i feel is very. muted? by the fact its stuck with the toon style. so i wanted to put in that vibe here. also her sprites make it look like her skirt is super poofy, so how could i not?

curly hair: i wanted something interesting, and most zeldas have straight hair. so! adds to the cuteness

i didnt draw it so well but she (and link) both have very sleepy expressions. zelda especially just has a sleepy expression in her sprite, its quite adorable.

shes not as decked out as other princesses, cuz i see tmc taking place before the royal family really starts to get *royal* as we see it. shes still of course got a tiara and some embroidery tho.

Tetra! her base design isnt all that changed from the original. her name is a fun hc of mine tho. i think "von Hyrule" sounds better as a surname than just "hyrule". shes not zelda, but shes still a descendant.

(WW) princess z (as i call her)

I went more oot zelda vibes for her, since she would be closer, temporally, to oot. i also went very warm, since ive never seen the flood as a *warm* endeavor.

shes got the shoulder danglies, as most zeldas have shoulder armor of some kind. the danglies instead of actual armor are supposed to kind of evoke a royal sea captain kind of vibe.

shes ghostly, with a fish-eyed stare. shes been dead and gone for a long time. shes also a bit taller and a few years older than tetra (as of ww). shes just some spectre the king saw in tetra, not at all a close match

tetra, being smaller than princess z, doesnt fit into the clothes. the dress is too big for her (as is in canon gd that skirt is WAY too long for her), the coat is baggy. the role of a princess *literally* does not fit her.

the ribbons! theyre my replacement for the wings, and they represent the wind in the game! since its represented by white lines, the ribbons are a perfect symbolic match. (also, a note, tetras hair is shorter and coarser than princess z's)

i mostly bullshitted the blue panel but the vague idea i gave it was 'a hope for the triforce to give good fortunes to the people' (pictured as dots, mostly behind her arms)

Pirate Queen Tetra

ph! about a year has passed, and tetra has really grown into her own! as well as literally grown!

shes still tetra, pirate and captain, but shes incorporated that royal heritage into her identity: quite literally! she made piecemeal of the original outfit (what was left of it anyway after the fight), and added bits and pieces to her new life.

she also takes full advantage of said heritage to call herself pirate queen. its great for branding. whos gonna say she CANT go by pirate queen?

the seagull feather is from Aryll. only crew member tetra wears a trinket from (who can say no to that ball of sunshine! certainly not tetra)

not many notes. yall can see whats there. (also she still wears her hair in a bun, its just in a low bun (you can almost see it) when she wears her hat)

st zelda!

first note is: shes not a princess! shes an heiress of the company tetra had made and left behind. hence her title of Lady zelda. ("new hyrule" rly just like-- the ending of ww was *literally* that hyrule is dead and thats okay. how did they miss that :sob emoji:) also calling her Lady Zelda fits with the train vibes

shes in a 1880s style bustle dress because 1) i am OBSESSED with bustle dresses. i love them. so much. 2) the more historical vibe works really well with trains! also a lot of the other outfits in the game have late victorian vibes, so shes certainly not out of place.

her hat (and gloves): any proper lady has a hat on when going about town, however, when she gets body snatched, she pulled out her hatpin to use (ineffectively) as a weapon (she IS tetras great-great-granddaughter), causing her to lose her hat *and* hairdo.

shes still got the hatpin in her ghost form, too. she uses it to threaten people for funsies

Ribbons! on the topic of hairdo, her ribbons! visually tying her to tetras design, the ribbons here instead take on the image of train tracks, with her pin (on the left side) evoking a train engine. the pin also makes her look rich and girly. when her hair comes undone, this makes the ribbons all loose, like how the train tracks disappear in game. (the hat also kinda connects her to tetra)

thanks for reading :D i hope you liked reading this as much as i liked typing it

#loz #legend of zelda #princess zelda #tetra #wind waker #minish cap #spirit tracks #phantom hourglass #zelda #zelda fanart #the legend of zelda #ww tetra #ww zelda #st zelda #minish cap zelda #the wind waker #loz ww #starship art #ive got more designs down the mental pipeline #these ones just came first cuz i dislike toon zeldas design

[cherrirui-official]

"You know... You didn't have to take that with you."

"But I promised him I'd take him out to see the ocean one day."

#for context uhmm how do i explain this #so around a few weeks after Jd arrives Bruce is like “Hey... where are the others?” #and Jd is like “ooooh 🤪🤪 he doesnt know...” #Since at this time JD believes that the entire tribe is dead. including his brothers and grandma #so Jd has to take Bruce to the now abandoned troll tree and give him the bad news #Bruce doesnt believe it at first. even if the tree is abandoned they cant be dead? right?? they cant be #so he rushes over to their grandma's pod. thinking that theyre just in hiding and waiting for them to return #and all Bruce is able to find in the empty pod is Branch's old stuffed toy Croco #which solidifies to Bruce that everyone is dead. their friends their family. everyone #Bruce is obviously devastated by the news. he doesnt show it a lot but he doesnt take it too well #he ends up bringing Croco with him back to Vacay Island and patches Croco up #since Croco is a bit worn out due to being left in the pod for years #and since then Bruce always keeps Croco hidden in his hair. both as a memoir of his baby brother #and also a reminder of how he failed as an older brother... ouch #ofc the others arent dead. its just that now both Jd AND Bruce believe that the rest of the trolls are dead #also King Trollex is there bc i wanted to put him there. I like Trollex :] #a knee ways more bb au art i promise the next bb au art will be lighthearted #tho now im gonna work on the next violet gijinka batch bc ive been starving my friendlocke audience for too long #sorry friendlocke fans ill feed u next dw #cherris canvas #trolls #trolls band together #trolls john dory #john dory trolls #trolls bruce #bruce trolls #king trollex #beach bros au #sorry for rambling in the tags i hope u dont mind ahaha

[s0fter-sin]

09 soapghost au, ghost was a member of soap’s unit before roba and they were together until he was taken. when he comes back and takes up the ghost mantle, simon riley is declared KIA and the hope that soap had let kindle in his heart that he’d come back to him dies. he throws himself into training, into becoming captain so he won’t let down another soldier the way he let simon down

then he recruits ghost to the 141 and ghost sees how much he’s changed, how much harder he is; slow to smile, never relaxing and he realises how much he fucked up by never reaching out. he’d thought he’d be better off without him, without the shell of the man he used to love but he’d done nothing but hurt him

after the close call with shepherd, soap wants to get right back into it, wants to hunt makarov down for almost getting his sergeant and lieutenant killed and ghost is yelling at him to just take it easy and heal first when soap snaps back, “i can’t lose anyone else! not again!” and ghost just rips his balaclava off, showing his face for the first time in years…

and soap says nothing. he just looks at him, completely unreadable. ghost clenches the balaclava in his hand, waiting for anything; even injured, soap can still pack a mean punch and he’s waiting for it, almost hoping for it… but he still does nothing. just stares

“well? c’mon!” he growls, stalking in closer. “let me have it! tell me how pissed you are! that i left you alone! that i ruined you the moment i touched you! that you regret ever fucking looking at me! scream, shout, say something!” until he’s leaning over soap’s chair, chest heaving

soap’s hand lifts and ghost can’t help his flinch before planting himself, ready to be struck, longing for it, to be punished the way he punishes himself-

soap’s hand gently cups his cheek and he freezes, breath catching as his thumb caresses the snake bite scars on his lip; feather-light and reverent. just like he used to

“you’re as beautiful as the day i lost you”

#i am not immune to the romantic scene of all time ft mr stoic how to train your dragon 2 #og soap is Young for a captain #like even if we arent given a canon age hes still like 30s maybe 40s if were pushing it #i dont know a lot about military shit but that seems young to me #so just soap who let himself become cold and focused everything on forcing himself to be better faster strong to protect everyone #until he finds himself as a captain of his own elite unit #handpicking men #and if he loses a single one it will be unequivocally his fault bc he chose them to be here #even ghost #this man that has no history beyond a few years of military service #no name no family even getting his blood type out of him was like pulling teeth #but sometimes #sometimes his complaints ring just a little too familiar #the way he holds himself tugging at his memory #even the way he idly flips a knife when waiting to be called in to interrogate someone #he doesnt dare to hope not when hope has never gotten him anywhere before #but then ghost takes the balaclava off and his walled off heart beats anew #coming out of my cage and ive been doing just fine.txt #we’re a team. ghost team #talk to me ghost #soapghost #ghostsoap #john soap mactavish #simon ghost riley #ghost cod #soap cod #ghoap #09 soapghost #09 ghostsoap #save post

[unopenablebox]

i admit that i find it a little bit frustrating how Wildly Astonished other antizionist jews act when i tell them my israeli jewish family have lived in the region since [some unknown length of time before 1800 when there start being records about it]

#and then they're like ''ohhh they're mizrahi!'' [connotation nonwhite‚ virtuously indigenous] #and i have to be like. no. it's just that‚ as palestine was in fact ottoman-administered greater syria for most of the last 600 years‚ #you could get there from other parts of the ottoman empire. such as the part of now-ukraine your ashkenazi family is also from. #it wasn't actually a hermetically sealed arab-only ethnostate that evaporated immigrants on sight. it was a pretty decent place to live as #a jew by at least some accounts. or better than the front of the hapsburg-ottoman war anyway which is where they were coming from. #i'm not sure who you think it's serving exactly to believe that there were literally no ashkenazim in the middle east before the 1st aliyah #however there were some. and this information does not actually threaten a modern anti-state of israel position like at all. #but since apparently you've constructed your new Diaspora-Centric Identity around the idea that 'palestine' and 'diaspora' #are the two mutually exclusive nonoverlapping regions and the former is ontologically a no-european-jews-allowed zone #i guess i can give you a minute to try to figure it out. #ugh sorry this is nothing it isn't anything. for one thing it's fantastically unimportant #and for another thing i don't know how to like talk about it in a way that doesn't make me sound at least kind of like im trying to justify #myself as being somehow less complicit or something. i mean i think my complicity as an american dwarfs the rest of it honestly but. #i just feel really insanely alienated where the rhetoric of my theoretically most closely politically aligned group is not really built to #like. accommodate the facts of my family history. #sorry. i have honestly no idea why im so obsessed with articulating this concept ive just been chewing on it pointlessly for days #box opener

[thebirdandhersong]

.

#God if he's not an option WHY is he the only boy ive ever met who is this emotionally intelligent and mature and God-fearing #and not afraid of vulnerability and has such strong principles that he just straight up says No i will not when he knows he should not #and the only guy who's ever been able to tell when i'm sad when i'm trying to hide it (and is able to read me surprisingly well) #and who is gentle and humble and wants children and genuinely wants to prioritize his future family #and the only guy who i know and can trust is both a servant-hearted and honourable leader AND a attentive and compassionate listener #and who does SO MUCH for everyone in the background and never asks for applause or praise #AND is the only guy i'm this comfortable around (this is a FIRST) and can talk to for hours. why!!!!!!!! #why must he check all the boxes!!!! #also why must he have such beautiful eyes. they are GORGEOUS. #obnoxiously beautiful blue eyes that are just. very focused and gentle and tender. yes i also hate that i notice this #anyway literally HOW many times have i prayed the liturgy for the death of a dream from every moment holy this year. HOW MANY TIMES #i KNOWWWW it will never happen i KNOW this and yet!!!!! it's like i wake up and agonize over it all over again #why must he be like one of the loveliest people i know!!! why must it be like this!!!! #edit: i KNOW amazing men are allowed to exist and not be attracted to me lollllll but still i am trying to get the sadness out of my chest #as irrational as it may be at times #the waiting room chapter

[radmista]

Sowing seeds of discontent and disharmony by hanging up on my parents birthday phone call the second my mom asked if I gained weight. Hope that sits badly on their minds while they think about how that's the first call I've engaged with them in 2 months and it was for the dogs birthday. Dad scrambling to text me for my mom that she didn't mean it. Like fuck I told her I've been having a rough month and day. She couldn't keep it to herself that badly. Fucks sake

#was already not in a great place mentally but i entertained the call and was actually feeling okay talking to them giving them an update #she just hits me with that. and I'm not normally sensitive about my weight even when my mom harped on me for gaining some a few years back #i genuinely normally don't care bc I'm happy with myself. but i know ive lost weight because I've been on icu and we don't have time to eat #im so fucking mad and im even more mad I'm crying about it #bc what the fuck #i was actually feeling like momentarily safe talking to them and being vulnerable about working on my next life stages #and she just ruined the call. i wanted to talk to my mom and dad more. i do miss talking to them about some things. #i was happy to get to see my family all together even if it was for the dogs birthday. and people were smiling and shit #and ik theyre gonna say i ruined it by being sensitive but jfc #it was literally the 2nd thing my mom said to me on the call after we sang happy birthday #why couldn't she just shut up. why couldn't she have said anything else. why did i let it bother me so much i hung up #I'm just fucking tired and sad and now feeling even lonlier than ever #i just wanted a nice moment with my family god fucking damn is that too hard to ask for #and im even more angry and sad now that i cant call them back bc my mom will get on me about smth else we were previously talking about #that phone call was supposed to be a neutral zone just for the birthday song. and i was going to ride it out but fucking hell #why didnt i just put up with it so i could have talked to my family #and no calling them back isnt an option. they haven't apologized and it would be an un neutral call #which gives them space to harass me about work and shit

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#sorry im thinking abt death again #because it's weird to think that ive been in the room. maybe a meter away from someone as they died #that someone being my mom. its just weird. the time in the hospital feels like it happened in some dark little pocket universe detached from #time. a calm room and then the soft blips of a monitor then the nurse rushing in to say she'd passed #i dont kno y ppl use that phrase: passed on. i mean i do. it softens the topic. makes it sound peaceful. ive yet to use it. i just say she #died bc thats what happened. is that insensitive? i dunno. when i was home i realized that i come off as much stranger than i think. the way #my family see me doesnt fit how i see myself. i dont kno what to do with that. i dunno. theyre all together today #for an early easter. and im halfway across the country again. nose so stuffy ive had to mouth breathe for the last 3 days #and again. everything feels the same as it did before but also profoundly different. sometimes i cry in the mornings. or when i think abt #future vacations she wont be there for. bc in the end she quickly slipped away in a way that couldn't be described as peaceful until her #last half a day. and all i can think about in that tiny room is how scary it would be to lose control like that #and how its not fair and she didnt deserve to die only halfway through a lifetime. but its not about fair and its not about deserving. #sometimes bad things just happen. that's life. and now i own a book called motherless daughters. and now im standing with the countless #others who've lost their moms too early. ive already become aware of 3 ppl in my daily life who are in the same club #i keep thinking about this moment that happened between my parents at the hospital. apparently my dad was helping her get cleaned up and her #stomach was so bloated she looked like she had a bby in there. which my dad said. and my mom apparently said: but it's a baby no one want. i #dont kno y that upsets me so much. all the things i heard abt her being in the hospital before i got there upset me. and the rest of my #family was there to see it. so i have the least traumatic version of the story. and i got almost 27 years with her. except my sisters #probably got more time with her bc i spent so much time away. or maybe not. i dunno. #i dunno. im just sad that shes gone and sad that it was drawn out even a little bit. 6 days isnt long but im sure it felt like an eternity. #again not fair. nothings fair. 53 years of unfairness culminating in a tragedy. she would hate me characterizing it like that. she lived a #full life as they say. full with an asterisk on account of length #unrelated

[hearties-circus]

Guy that I am. So normal about

#al art #al ocs #imagine me in a locked echo chamber just wailing about denys #thats my head right now #im so fucked up sbout them. because. i had a little thiught #before my reasoning for ehy denys wouldnt kill axel was a mix of professionalism and contradictory feelings #now having given it more thought ive realised its specifically because axel is OK with it #denys WANTS axel to be scared for zir life denys NEEDS axel to be terrified #because thats how vos parents felt. they were scared. they didnt want to die. they didnt want to be Killed. #and little denys was so so so scared stumbling upon the scene that vo was gonna be next. who wouldnt be. wicks parents were Murdered #wick needs to get that revenge to have axel be so so scared like they all were back then #but zes just not. #its been 5 years since axel found out who denys was and almost immediately ze realised that whatever punishment denys wanted was justified #it would be the right thing. fae wouldn't fight it. #so now neither of them gets what they want. they cant. #denys still wants axel to think wick would and could kill fae at any moment but axel is ok with that #i am literally in my room seperate from my family on hogmanay and gripping my glass of blue wkd. i am SO normal right now #denys #axel

[spaghett-onaplate]

mutuals send me the strength to get through tomorrow

#the situation is #i pass as a guy about 95% of the time #60% once i speak #i needa start correcting people at school before they get the idea in their heads that i'm a girl #but its FUCKING SCARY #ive genuinely never corrected anyone ever #bc before starting at this school monday i've only ever been out iwith family (too scared) #and at work with other employees or customers (too scared + one-time interaction or low stakes interaction) #whereas school. thats not 6 hours a week thats a lot mroe #fuucck #scary shit #i ahve a stomach ache just at the thought #i was meant to bring up hrt at the doctors a few months ago as a secondary thing at an appointment but i didnt #but now. for next week i have an appoinment where its the primary focus #still unlikely considering the whole process yadayada and most of all parental consent from BOTH. 😒 #and my dad is. a 'bit' of a prick #but if he hasn't made any progress by next month. well. perhaps it's time to look elsewhere #anyway fingers crossed for hrt which ive wanted for the past two and a half (three?) years 😔 but i can't rely on that #so i just need to correct peoplenow. quickly. while im still new #ueguh

[autisticaradiamegido]

day 61

one a those days

#day 61 #year 4 #it me #i dont know how much detail ive gone into on this blog #because i do like to keep a particular vibe here #but without going into detail im on like my sixth major family medical crisis in like #3 months? #and i just think. if everybody could stay out of the hospital for like. #more than 2 weeks at a time? #that would be fantastic #that would be really great for all of us actually #anyway everybody is fine we just had a scary ER visit today after my grandma had a nasty fall #she is okay she didnt break any bones and she is now having the chillest and comfiest time she can manage at home #busted her right arm pretty good but shes getting along just fine and has followups already scheduled with her doctor #HOWEVER. the energy of the day has still been hot garbage and id like to speak to the manager

[lopsidedtreetrunks]

Happy 10th birthday to The Song Ever

#guys can u believe its been 10 years i feel so old bsksdjlka #ylvis #what does the fox say #my art #artists on tumblr #sketch #gonna write a novel in the tags now so: #i havent drawn anything in a few months bc ive been dealing with medical stuff #this sketch was supposed to become a full painting and it was gonna be awesome and the composition was gonna be great etc etc #this sketch has been in my files since late june lmao thats how long its been since i drew anything #so yes i am very disappointed that i couldnt finish it but since it's such a momentus occasion I thought I'd post this mess anyway :') #I just really wanted to commemorate it as (and sorry for getting all depressing here lol) ... #... it was kinda the last thing that brought me a whole lot of joy before a lot of shit started going on in the family that basically ... #... ended my childhood (metaphorically) #anyways i loved it when it came out i listened to it constantly along with their song stonehenge (which i still listen to occasionally hjsd #and truckers hitch when that came out about a year later i think #ANYWay sorry for rambling and being a sad little guy in the tags lol enjoy the art and listen to the song :D

[orcelito]

I think I cried harder today over my dad's jackets than I did at his deathbed. That was a miserable time of course, a memory that will likely be seared into my brain until I die, but I cried... I think a normal amount, all things considered. More than I ever usually do of course, but I typically don't cry At All. All this free crying is certainly surreal.

The jackets, though. I was put in charge of doing his laundry, because we don't want to pack up dirty clothes. I was expecting it to be unpleasant bc my dad's dirty clothes - gross. But really, it was much more unpleasant in that... those were his. It felt wrong to touch them. Felt wrong to treat his jackets as gross. Because they were just his jackets. They weren't even in the hamper. And then I was remembering him wearing them, and then I was crying. Again. And again. Weeping over these damn jackets.

Then I found a shirt on his bed that still smelled like him. It smelled like a Hug From Dad. And that set me off crying even harder.

In total, I think I cried like 6 times within 40 minutes. It took me that long to finish sorting the damn clothes bc I just. Was a wreck. Like, what are you supposed to do when you're living life like normal, vaguely hopeful bc you're taking steps to secure your own happiness, and then 4 days later you're sorting your dad's laundry because he fucking died. Suddenly. Without a goodbye.

And you have to worry about his lack of a will (even under an ideal situation, only 2 heirs and no conflicts between us, probate's a fucking Bitch), and arranging the funeral, and prepping his obituary, and picking out pictures, and writing a speech bc you want to talk at his funeral, of Course you want to talk at his funeral, but even just thinking about anecdotes you could share has you crying yet again.

I've cried more times in the past 3 days than likely the entirety of last YEAR. And that's WITH my cat, and uncle, and family friend dying. Those all hurt, my uncle most of all, & I was real fucked up over it. But this? This was my Dad. Likely the person I'd have named 2nd closest to me in my life, second only to my sister. He wasn't perfect, but he did so much for me throughout my entire life. All he wanted was to raise us to be happy and independent. And he accomplished it, we're getting by without him, but we still wanted several more decades with him. He was only 57. We should've gotten several more decades with him.

But here we are now. Playing investigators to his life, digging into all his shit, trying to find documents and take inventory of all his things, and learning Many things about him in the process. In his lockbox of sensitive documents, like his SSN and birth certificate and all that stuff, we found an old letter. About a decade old now, written in my hand. Right at the very top, we found that he'd kept the letter I wrote to him telling him frankly about my struggles and the things I wanted him to do better. He kept it. He tried to take it to heart. He looked at it again, sometime more recently than all the rest of the documents. That was on top.

His love for us is evident everywhere. The pictures he has hanging up all over the place, majority of them with us in them. The old fathers day cards placed on display in his bedroom bookshelf. The gifts we gave him, even stupid little knick knacks, placed around his apartment with pride. I wish we'd taken more videos of him. I don't want to forget the sound of his voice. I don't want to forget his smell either, the smell of a Hug From Dad, but I still tossed that shirt into the wash even though it felt like saying yet another goodbye.

It's the suddenness that hurts the most, I think. We were planning on having him help me finally get my license this year. My final words to him, the last thing he would've seen from me, were messages asking up on whether he'd called his car insurance company to make sure there wouldn't be problems. I should've called him more. I don't know if I'm going to learn from this.

I cut my 2 weeks off early to have time to grieve and to work on things for the funeral and settling the estate. The last thing I'd wanna do right now is selling fucking bubble tea in a job I already decided to leave. So here I am without a job, though with potentially two life insurance policy payouts to come. Inheriting half his 401k. Inheriting couches, knickknacks, keepsakes, paintings, art pieces, maybe even his guitar and other furniture if we can figure out what to do about space (I don't have room for this furniture, I don't know if I even have room for the couches, but God do I want to keep so much of this furniture). It has me even considering keeping one of his guns, just one. A tiny little revolver, it sits so comfortably in my hand. I don't even want to use it for anything. I just want to have it, keep it stored in a drawer with its ammo kept separate. I don't like guns, but this is a part of him. He loved collecting guns. He was about as responsible with them as someone can be, keeping them locked in a lockbox and impressing upon his children the importance of gun safety (I've known the basic gun safety rules ever since I was a little kid. Of course, of course, of course.) It reminds me of him. It's horrifically easy to have a gun in Indiana. I apparently don't even need a permit to carry anymore. (I have no intention to ever carry this in public.)

It's all a cycle. Business, grief, thoughts about my future. Round and round, like the most nauseating carousel in existence. I don't know how I'm still so functional. My skills with compartmentalization have been my lifesaver.

And im just thinking about the story my dad's best friend shared today. About a friend of theirs who lost her father. She reached out after hearing about my dad to share his words with her: "it's okay to grieve, but don't make his death your life".

He explicitly referenced himself in this, saying if he were to die suddenly that he wouldn't want us to define ourselves by it. Grief is expected, but he wants us to be able to move on. He's always wanted us to establish ourselves and make ourselves happy. He wouldn't want to be a weight holding us back from that.

So every time I start to feel guilty for thinking about having nicer furniture or using his life insurance payout to fund the rest of my college, I remind myself of that. Thinking about the material isn't a bad thing. I'm only human. And in the end, he'd Want me to be thinking about it. He never intended to die, certainly not without warning like this, so he would've only encouraged me being pragmatic about it all.

He only ever wanted us to be happy. So I need to do what I can to live up to that.

I love him. I miss him already.

#speculation nation #negative/ #this got really long on accident. but i think typing this out was really helpful for me. #getting the thoughts out. processing. the works. #nearly cried several times just from writing this. #...and honestly i might reference this again when i start seriously writing my eulogy. #things suck a Lot right now. and i really wish they were different. #feels like i picked a bad choice in a video game and am now seeing the Bad Ending or whatever #all i need to do is reload a previous save. it's all still there. perfectly preserved in my memories. #but... that's all gone. as suddenly and unfair as it is ive been thrust into a new chapter of my life so thoroughly. #it's not all bad though. he wasnt prepared for dying so it's been hell to prepare for him #we dont know if we'll even be able to get into his fucking iphone. stupid piece of shit. #but he had life insurance. he had a union job. and That comes with benefits #(something about a year's salary going to the family. aka half a year's salary to Me. and isnt That mind boggling.) #as much as it hurts im going to be realistic about it. im going to do what i need to finish my education. #and im going to use it as a springboard for finally becoming a 'proper adult'. #the kind who could own a nice kitchen fridge. one with an ice machine on the front of the door #and freezers in the drawers. #maybe then i could think about getting motorcyle lessons. not from my dad as i originally wanted #but i wanna keep the family biker spirit alive. i wanted it even before he died. and now i want it even more. #ive had so so many thoughts. it's only been 3 days. ive had to emotionally numb myself several times just to Get Through It. #everything is exacerbated. my mom wants to go to the funeral. we will have to fight her on this. my dad Hated her. #and i certainly dont fucking want her around either. not then. not when im talking about my dad. #(my dad. my Dad. i saw him die. i felt him cold. i do not regret it. it still hurts me.) #it's overwhelming. i loved him so fucking much. even with his flaws he was truly an amazing father. #i'll... shut up now. if you read this far. well. hug your loved ones a little tighter. you never know when youll lose them.

[newtness532]

im so annoyed with everything today, i think i need some tasty food and a million hours of sleep and then I'll be back to normal

#the teacher at the first class today was so dibsjdhdhdhdhsgs 😫 #like she was teaching us things that are like unrelated to the class that shes teaching so idek why she was teaching it #but also its things that we have been learning since the 1st semester and we've done them in at least 10 classes and she was acting like #this was the 1st time we were hearing about it #like oh yeah we're on the 7th semester of studying nutrition but no one bothered to tell us how many calories are in a gram of fat #and she gave us homework 'to see if we know this' like #oh yes i can make a meal plan for a child with crohns or cystic fibrosis or celiac disease or everything else we've done this semester and #all the other semesters but i guess i cant tell you what micronutrients are in this one breakfast meal #like fuck off and stick to what you're supposed to be teaching #anyway i know im getting more annoyed than i should but she was just even more annoying than usual today #like she interrupted the lesson every 5 minutes to yell at someome to be quiet i wasnt even aware there were people talking until she yelled #anyway #also my new earphones aren't working well idk why ive definitely not been mistreating them that much for them to break in less than a month #like i had my old pair for at least 4 years until the broke and i dont think the wire got cut in them like the sound was coming out weird #but there was sound coming out. in the new ones you need to hold them in a very specific angle for sound to come out #and like im careful with how i put them away so what is up with them? #my theory is that they make wired earphones shitty on purpose so that you will spend a lot of money and buy wireless #also we had said from Tuesday that we would hang out with my friends today but i guess they forgot or idk and they made other plans #(to go home and sleep) and during the weekend the one friend wont be here and next week my family will be here so we probably wont hang out #again until next year and we have exams almost immediately so we wont be hanging out much then either #also my period is supposed to come soon and i hope that it will either come today or it will wait until after Christmas #ideally it will never come ever again but we cant always get what we want #anyway im gonna go eat the rest of my μεσογειακό and go take a nap #jo says stuff #personal ramblings

[kathrynmjaneway]

i came out to my parents last night 😄

#and it went FINE #AH #like its all good and chill #i knew my mum suspected and i was counting on that and that she might have talked to my dad about it before which i dont if she actually did #but i think so #and like ive been dropping things like going to pride with all my queer friends etc #and my mum was like 'yeah i suspected' last night #and this morning she checked in on me again to see if im all good #and she was like 'you do know that ive known for years right' #and i was like 'yeah 🥹🥹' #and last night i was also like that i dont wanna like shout it out to my grandparents and extended family (yet) #and my D A D said yeah that's yoir decision! you decide when to tell people! #and my mum this morning then also was like i have one piece of advice #dont tell your (one) grandma #you can just wait her out #bc my aunt had 'a lesbian phase' aka lived with a woman for a few years #which i ALSO JUST FOUND OUT VERY RECENTLY THAT WASNT JUST TWO FRIENDS LIVING TOGETHER PLATONICALLY #and apparently my grandma had a few choice words to say about that #which yeah i probably like will not tell her bc why should i??? #and i Knew that #anyway #MERRY CHRISTMAS I DIDNT RUIN CHRISTMAS ITS ALL GOOD IM HAPPY IM RELIEVED I CRIED BC THATS WHAT I DO #personal #shdhsjskdhfhdhshsjdhdjak #needed to share :')

[hella1975]

my mum picking me up this morning: you're not as hungover as i thought you'd be

me, just yacked in an alleyway: yeah haha

#it's 3pm now and i still cant believe that happened that was. an experience #basically my mate's 21st coincided with her sister's 30th so they both had this big joint Event last night #where they literally rented out a farm house and the field nearby and set up a whole campsite and barbeque and everything #it was really random but also really good esp bc ive been friends with this girl since we were super young #and our mums were friends so ive just got. lots of connections to her family and it was nice seeing them all again #but there was fully like 60 people at this thing and i DID drink more than i meant to but i wasn't paralytic which is good #and my hangover ISNT that bad in terms of how bad my hangovers can get #it's just that my mate's dad picked us both up at 9am this morning which was already going to be... rough #and then proceeded to do the bumpiest drive down the country lanes ive ever experienced #i was literally grinding my teeth like i am NOT about to throw up in this man's car please if there is a god do not let me throw up #and i didn't! my mum picked me up from this (thankfully very quiet) road that has this rickety old alley coming off it #and i had the very humbling moment of 'im actually going to be sick aren't i' and had to WAIT FOR AN OLD WOMAN #TO FUCKING MEANDER OUT OF THE ALLEY AND WALK FAR AWAY ENOUGH FOR ME TO AT LEAST HAVE A SHRED OF DIGNITY #and proceeded to throw up. in a public alleyway. at 9:30am on a sunday. so of course i needed to tell you guys about it #im now force feeding myself garlic bread. im going to manchester tomorrow. i have a flight at the crack of dawn on tuesday #what is even going on anymore #also fully did just do nos last night with some 30 year olds. i cannot express how fucking odd a thing that is for me to do #actually no i can express it bc youse know that im funny about drugs so for me to not even be that drunk #and get offered a fucking balloon of all things and be like 'yeah why not!' is.... odd #i know i inhaled wrong though bc it didn't do a thing which honestly im happy about <3 #hella goes home

[kyuala]

SOOOOOO hard to go through everyday life trying to ignore the never-ending feeling that im just irreparably fucked up and therefore should just give up on everything

#this aint exactly s******* but it aint exactly not s******* either #anyways it gets even harder when i have to live under the same roof as my brother who is so much better than me in every single conceivable #and imaginable way possible like #and i knowwww a LOT of it comes down to us having relatively similar yet wildly different lives despite being 1.5y apart and having the sam #family our entire lives like he has gone through NOTHING and i mean not a single societal issue ive had to face and endure my entire life #he's a man im a woman. he's white im black. he's straight im gay. he's skinny ive always been 'overweight'. he's always been the good #christian kid ive always had issues w faith and religion. he's never been mentally ill i was clinically depressed for nearly 8yrs of my lif #we both lost the same parent and im the only one who got pathological grief and a personality disorder out of it. he's had a great job for #the last 7yrs that now pays him 20k+ every month ive only had 3 odd jobs my entire life and 2 of those my MOTHER had to give me so i would #have SOMETHING and ive never made over 1.6k monthly n my last job was minimum wage only #he's had like 4 relationships and is nearly engaged im so traumatized + emotionally unavailable ive only ever been on 1 date my entire life #he has a good relationship w every family member we have i have Issues w like half the family. he's always been an active member of our #church i can barely listen to like 4 traditional hymns before i start losing my mind and spiraling. i think the only two ways we're pretty #much equal like socially is that we're both able bodied cis and christians but still the cis and christian thing is debatable for previousl #stated reasons so like. do yall see how much better he is doing than me in every little last area in life and how he's always gotten the #long straw when it comes to Not having to deal w certain obstacles in life. n i know its like yea idk what it actually is like to be him an #he could not be doing all that well first of all shut up. second of all if it was 1 or 2 things i'd get it but it's literally EVERYTHING #and i know bc of said things n our v different lives it's unfair to me to compare the two of us but then it begs the question: WHY #WHY did i have to go through these things. WHY do i have to deal w this. WHY did i get the short straw literally every goddamn time #WHY did i have to get THIS life like WHYYYYY why ME GOD. why have I had to put up w all this bullshit for 24 fucking years!!!!!!!!! im TIRE #and this is not me hating or resenting him i know it's not his fault and he is so good to me #but still. why was i left with these things? to live like this? #so yes i guess i do envy him a little bit. who wouldn't #mari.txt #personal #tw negative #dl #btw i do NOT mean some identities are better than others. i mean he is better and is doing better than me in life partially bc he's never #had to deal w certain social issues and obstacles that come w oppressed identities.