#but also it means i sit there for like 6hrs coloring until my legs hurt and ive wasted so much time and i spend hours filpping back and

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#apologies for being whiny yet again but alas humans r social creatures and i have no desire to interact with physical ppl lmao #its just that im so so tired. ive been working on this manuscript for the last 2 weeks and i hate it so much. so i spend all week like i #cant wait for the weekend when i can avoid this. but my obsessive brain must have something to get obsessive abt and if its not work then #its something else and rn i can feel it creeping into my drawing. like i just want to draw all the time. more and more and more. i can feel #the goalpost shifting on what's qualities as acceptable and on one hand i feel like ive gotten a lot better in a short period of time but #but also it means i sit there for like 6hrs coloring until my legs hurt and ive wasted so much time and i spend hours filpping back and #forth. unable to commit to drawing any one thing. which is very annoying. idk its just exhausting bc all i can think abt is all the things #i should be doing instead but im stuck there until i can get x thing done #and i put so much pressure on the time i have to draw that most of the time im too paralyzed to do anything #bc executive dysfunction annoyingness. and my brain makes me stay up so late and wake up so early. im just tired #so im making myself miserable in all aspects of life. like no. stop that. pls #its just this like crazy frantic anxious energy constantly spinning in my chest #and its like oh u should make friends or something so u can get out of ur own head but like idk ppl are exhausting and i dont like #listening to myself talk. i find it personally annoying lol. i feel like some sort of alien when i go to lab meetings. like i see what's #happening and i understand the structure but like in a synical way. like im not reacting how im supposed to. the interactions dont make me #feel anything. i feel the same way when i go to the zoo or something. like im supposed to feel something but its not there. im forming #memories but then when i hear ppl reminisce abt it. its like oh yea i guess that did happen. i dont have the fond memories u seem to have. #i dont feel anything abt it. so then whats the point of doing things like that? its just a waste of time and money if im not gonna enjoy it #my emotions seem to shift between light misery and an obsessive almost manic focus. so ill smile abt thing but something deep in my chest #feels wrong. weird emotional disonace. agh. idk its just annoying and ive gotta sort myself out b4 i have to take a like 18hr car ride with #my boss in like 3 weeks or something. blah! i should just sleep more. that would prob help #unrelated #in a lab meeting once i got asked what i do to relax and im like. i dont. and my boss was like what abt drawing? #and i was like ahah i like to draw but im so obsessive abt it that its something i have to do #so its not so much fun as it is stressful so yeah i dont relax