#but after that? nothing. just patchy things without any of them. i shoukd remember

[astral-catastrophe]

oh

#no but really #does it make me a bad person? #i have been thinking about that post from earlier about trauma and not remembering big memories and really #ive always been good at remembering things. anything and everything #i can remember his smiles. how i used to be taller than them both and would ruffle their hair #i remember how her hands felt on mine. i remember how she would mess with my hair #but aside from the stated. i don’t remember most of my elementary years. just first and sixth. then middle school when she came back #none of it #i remember being a snarky bitch to my first grade teacher because she was something else/neg #and being with my friends #but after that? nothing. just patchy things without any of them. i shoukd remember #i don’t remember things i should #and I suppose this will only make sense to those well versed in my ridiculous lore #but after she left? i remember that. i remember all of that #then when she came back in middle school ? didn’t try to be my friend again? then embarrassed and teased me? #it gets foggy again until she’s gone #my teachers and friends all agreed that i came out of my shell when she left #after the ex bestie left? i became more like who i was normally. like when I was with my guys or other friend #i was my genuine normal self without her #but does it make me a bad person. that im happy she left? happy she embarrassed and teased me #happy that she never truly sought out being my friend again once she moved back. because in her eyes #she always had someone better than her “own very best friend!” ive always been a second choice and always will. i know that thanks to her #does that make me a horrid and rotten person because im glad that i was kicked to the curb? #i must be a terrible person for this to happen. #she ruined the friendship between my guy friends. and now they’ve headed down very different paths #one not so good #could i have saved him? if she hadn’t shattered their relationship? could i have helped him back toward what he truly wanted? #could i have saved him? he’s not dead. but now? enough’s happened that he might as well be and that is on my hands bc i was a coward #and as for the other guy. would we be together if the ex bestie hadn’t forced everyone away because she wanted only me? am i a coward?? #but am i a terrible person for not remembering? terrible for being glad im out and no longer with her?