#but I’ve mourned it enough !! whatever drama comes out of it I’ll handle just fine

[stuckinapril]

me stoically navigating my way through drama bc bigger things are ahead and it’s not my fault people are dumb

#kissed a guy at a kickback and thought we caught a vibe only to find out he just wants to fuck me. next #friend’s bf of 7 years drunkenly hit on me at the same kickback (I was not ok w this). they ended up beefing over me. he denied everything. #do I want to be involved in this? no. and so I simply ignore it and keep it pushing #and the guy I kissed is cancelled. like he is dead to me. so that’s also taken care of #it’s back to studying full-time for the mcat #going to the gym/taking walks daily #volunteering at the refugee center + clinic #getting published in orgo research papers #and trying to snag the opportunity to shadow doctors at a massive cancer research center. like I’d kill for it #december was such a mess but I’ve finally made peace w the fact that most of the stuff that happened I couldn’t prevent #but I’ve mourned it enough !! whatever drama comes out of it I’ll handle just fine #i literally want to be a multitasking academic weapon everyone is intimidated of this year #i am not letting something as puny as a dumb man (both of them btw) stop me. goodbye #also everyone involved is older than me (they’re both 23) but it all just feels like such high school behavior #this is not a euphoria episode like I’m literally just not entertaining any of this #had to get this off my chest. i feel better #p

[ahiddenpath]

Life Talk

You know the drill XD  Gonna jabber about ye olde life below the cut.

Warning: It’s heavy this time around O_o;;

HOW BOUT DEM 02 KIDS, HUH?!  I’m so glad to see them, like... existing!  I’m curious to see how a single movie will handle having that many characters around, though O_O

As for life, it’s... okay XD  I don’t like where I am right now.  It feels like existing is kind of... a chore.  And in a way, it has been, lately.  It’s been a string of stuff like...  Fix the car.  Fix the other car.  Fix the air conditioning.  Figure out what’s wrong with my hand.  Deal with family drama.  Deal with work drama.  You know, #adulting and suchlike.

Actually, let me DISH, because this is some stuff right here.  Okay, so my bro lives an hour away from our mom and me right now.  He’s moving an additional two hours away, but he’s not changing his job, meaning his work will be two hours away.  Apparently he can work from home about 75% of the time.  

Without asking me or my husband, my mom told him he can live with us that remaining 25% of the time.

Here’s the thing: my mom can’t offer someone else a space in my home, because it’s not her home.  Functionally, she didn’t offer him anything, and if I’m actually asked, my answer is no.  That’s not the problem.

But I was thrown into a funk for almost two weeks because...  How do I say this?  This feels like a continuation of my childhood.  Basically, my mom expects me to be available to give my brother whatever he wants, without even asking me or my husband first.  She’s also been asking to live with us in the detached home my husband and I are hoping to buy next year (we own a little town house now with no spare room, so since we’re buying a bigger house anyway, why not buy one with an in-law suite for her, apparently).

This swirled in my head like some dismal gnat for a little over two weeks.  All I could think of was those times my brother was favored as a kid, and I was expected to be okay with that and to entertain him.  I started working and saving money when I was 16 so I could go to college and get a job that paid enough to support myself.  And now that I’ve become independent, my mom is like, “Oh hey, I see you made it!  Now take care of me and your brother.”  

(My brother is an engineer, btw.  Last I heard, he was programming satellites for the government.  That pays way more than cancer immunotherapy research.  He doesn’t need financial help.  He just made a weird decision to move two hours away from work, and my mom expects me to fix it).

My therapist encouraged me to think of it as a product of 1.) cultural expectations and 2.) availability instead of a continuation of my childhood dynamics.  Basically:

1.)  American culture places the burden of caretaker on women.  I am the only daughter.  Ergo, I am expected to take care of everyone.

2.)  My brother has gone out of his way to distance himself from the family.  I have maintained contact with as many boundaries as I can enforce, except with my father.  Whom else could she ask favors from?

Therefore, it’s nothing personal, basically.

Although I know there’s truth in both of those statements, I can’t help seeing this as... just a tactic to help me feel better.  But then...  I do want to feel better!  

And I am doing much better now, but this really threw me out of whack and lodged my brain into my past.  It’s just, like...  As a kid, my mom always told me she wouldn’t leave my abusive dad because “she needs help supporting us” and “we need a father.”  But I’ve been 100% independent for eight years, and she’s still with him...  And now she wants me to save her from him, and save my brother from his own decisions.  She doesn’t seem to realize or care that I’m literally still trying to save myself from everything that happened.

I wasn’t prepared for something like this to hurt so much.  That’s really all it comes down to.  I’m mourning that what was, the childhood and the expectations I’ve spent my whole life trying to overcome and leave behind, still... is.  

I’ll be fine.  I know how to say no, and so no one is moving in with us.  I just have to figure out how to accept and deal with all of these feelings.  It’s really sucky because I was making so much progress, and this just yanked the rug out from under me and knocked me backwards.  I think I’m back on my feet, but I haven’t regained the lost ground yet.

#hidden's life