#bittermauseart

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Tyrant of Many Faces

#bittermauseart #fanart #smithy #super mario rpg #smrpg

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Stardew Valley's major patch update is just around the corner, so I decided to make a little art prompt. Simply draw your farmer before they are set free from late stage capitalism, what they were like at the very start of their farming journey, and how they are now! Here's a set I did with my farmer Moe; 1. where she was a low wage corporate slave, 2. having a not so great start and 3. What she looks like in year 4. If you end up doing the prompt, please let me know and share! Also a link back to here or my twitter would be super appreciated.

#bittermauseart #stardew fanart #stardew farmer #art prompt #sdv fanart #sdv farmer #stardew valley

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Snow Fairy; a gift illustration for a family member.

#fairy #faerie #fae #snow fairy #bittermauseart

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The Snow Began to Fall Based on a dream I had 15 years ago.

#webcomic #bittermauseart #horror #dream comic

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A series of re-draws spanning over 10 years.

#BitterMauseART

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I never really been a fan of myself growing up. I never really liked who I was, how I looked, how I sounded.  Not only was I prone to constant bullying from childhood all the way to high school, I also had to live with a very reactionary father and an emotionally manipulative mother.

   There had been times where I would be gas-lit by the both of them, for errors I didn't commit. I would be screamed at for a variety of things that ranged from having a hard time understanding math homework, to drinking the last Pepsi, or not putting enough dirty dishes in the dishwashing machine before starting it up.  I would apologize profusely and with sincerity, but all it did was open myself to attack than understanding that I could do better.

   They wanted me to lose weight, made it very clear I was a chubby kid, but anytime I expressed interest in after school sport or activity, they decided it was too dangerous. I lost interest there.

    Growing up in an emotionally tense household left me walking on eggshells, having to ask for every single little thing, even for small things like a snack because god forbid I would get my head bit off.  

 My boundaries were also very limited; waking up to my father trying to tug my legs out of bed when I wanted to sleep in on the weekend, my mother barking orders at me from downstairs, not bothering to say please or thank you whenever I did them, or whenever I said 'no' or 'please stop' whenever I didn't want to be tickled or talk about a sensitive topic, it would be met with an irritated answer or a guilt trip response. The worst was when my mother friended my ex on Facebook for a period of time, even after what I told her what happened in our relationship. She saw no wrong in it, despite my making it clear how emotionally distressful it was for me.  

  All these moments I mentioned, formed the 'mask' I've held up for many years; a fat, ugly, goofy-ass looking face for people to laugh at and walk all over, including for myself. Comedy has always been an important factor of my life, has been my pacifier and a means to help heal others when they needed an uplift. Unfortunately, I used comedy to play into the stereotypical buffoon. When people made fun of me, spoke ill of me, it was my way of saying "You dare to try and take me down? Jokes on you fucker I already did that myself!".  It got to a point where I really believed I was a weird, gross, unlovable person and that I just had to "roll with it".

  The little red notes were actual quotes taken from moments in my life that stuck with me for years. It is a mixture from my father, my mother, and myself.  I'll go through a small few of them;

I was called a dumbass by my mother for failing basic algebra. Never apologized.

When she screamed at me for not filling the dishwasher properly, I stood up for myself by telling her it was an accident, and she had no right to yell at me. The next morning, she greeted me with a hug and whispered "PMSSSSS PMSSSS PMSSSS!" in my ear harshly, but kept this eerie smug grin on her face the entire time.

My father had a tendency to rant about the stupidity of other people's actions and had his fare share of road rage. Sometimes it would get so bad he would talk about how he'd love to just beat these people up and put them in their place. One day, while riding in the car with him, someone cut him off at the turn lane and he bickered out loud. I told him "It's okay, eventually this person will cease to exist one day." and he turns to me asking why I'm so hateful.

The drawing is framed as a vanity/show mirror, as a way to force myself to look underneath the mask I've always worn, and to show the shred of humanity I had left;  the side of me that was tired, scared, wanting to be loved and craving to move forward from the shit past experiences that surrounded me for 35 god awful years.

    I am sharing this now because I know there are people out there that suffered similar, whether it's mental, emotional, and verbal abuse from someone that should've been your loved one, or self-sabotage as a means to shield yourself from others.  Granting myself empathy has been extremely hard, telling myself that I am not a mirror of my parents' shortcomings, and convincing myself that I'm not some randy hobgoblin for other peoples' entertainment, that I'm human.  Not only that, but giving myself the confidence to try new things, to allow myself to make mistakes and learn along the way without fear of being put down has also been an incredibly hard process because of the mental scars.  

  It still hurts, but not as much as when I lived with the trauma, and before I started therapy. There is so much un-doing that I have to work on, and rehabilitate the positive traits I lost from childhood.

One day that mask will fall out of my hands completely, and I can truly say; "shows over, dickheads."

#BitterMauseART #Personal #Mental Health Discussion

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Well friends, consider this my very first fan animation ever. (Maybe second if you count the Dover Boys Re-Animate from a few years back.) Honestly I was hesitant to make this, as I abandoned fan art parody territory long ago. (I'm slowly opening myself back to drawing fan art in general.) However, this concept stuck with me for months and wouldn't leave my brain until I spilled it out on ToonBoom. Overall a short bit that was fun to animate and VA.

#deltarune #bittermauseart #fan animation

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Random head shot warm ups, and maybe a Ralsei

#BitterMauseART #sketch

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Now accepting donations to help fund production costs for The Boris Blobinski Show! Click on the ko-fi link for more information about the show and donation incentives!

#boris blobinski #bittermauseart #The Boris Blobinski Show

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Been conceptualizing a 'mascot' lately and my brain vomited a bunch of bitter mice. Wound up on a cuteness bender and drew them a best friend, a snowy moon cat.

#bittermauseart #cute #mice #cat

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Been in the mood to draw a violent scenario, so I did this. For context, these two women were former members of a dangerous lady gang. After Sister Plague (below) ratted out the gang including her cousin, Sister Pry (above) , there's been some very bad blood between them since.

#bittermauseart #BittermauseOC's #OCs #Sister Plague #Sister Pry

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airing tonight at 10:00 pm PST!

#bittermauseart #2d animation #borisblobinski #Youtube

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#deltarune #bittermauseart #kris

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Art Attacks from last year. Top: Lilith by Spoonfayse. Bottom: Caramore by Snowy

#BitterMauseART

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Rainy Portrait of a Sinister Woman

#BittermauseART #BitterMauseOC #Pandora #clipstudiopaint

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Crow (October 2020)

#BitterMauseART #my ocs