#betterforgotten

[theleafthatfelloff]

wrinkled, withered, superficial

Sometimes, nothing is enough. Putting in all the efforts, caring for all the needs, looking out for all the harm; it is just never enough. I realised, lately, I am one of those people. 

There is an incessant need in me; to please people, to not lose people, to not get into fights, to get done with any kind of emotional banter as soon as possible; which I realise, stems from my personality to avoid any kind of close proximity with people, or more like from the want to be like a layer of oil floating over water, no attachments, no inclusions and yet to be there. When people reciprocate whatever I do, it does make me happy, but it always feel like either I deserve it or I totally don’t, moreover that I can never make peace with things happening beautifully in my life.

I realise I am this person, who pushes people away when I tend to get closer to them and then  end up calling them toxic, when at the end of the day, it was I who made life miserable for me and them. I realise I am nothing but plastic and that there is no way, I can ever break down, into a simpler version. I feel, I understand, I love... I do everything, but I realise that it is all just very superficial. I can never make it genuine. 

I realise, I just cannot do anything in its own profound meaning. I understand and accept that I can never be real, and this will never do justice to any relation I stay in. It could be true, that my peers find me endearing, likeable; but then what else is a people pleaser like. Quite a few people, in fact in their first guess, find me a people pleaser and tried to stay at bay; but no, I had to break into them, get them to like me, and yet prove their initial judgement true. 

I realise that having words and the ability to express at my disposal, only makes it easy for me to people please and apparently all I have ever done is exploit this. Writing letters that are long, poetries that mean the world, giving speeches that are filled with love, cheer and life... doing all of these without actually involving myself into all of it is not very difficult for me. I realise though, that, for  people with whom I come across in such a manner, I might grow quite close to and when I break myself off from them it might pain them in a way only God knows. 

On days, like these, I question myself, why, for what, why the self pity, why make people like me, why then, when they have liked me, why do I leave them suddenly and why do I grow distant... 

I guess that it is because nothing is ever enough for me to work my way into growing. I guess it is like giving water, nutrients, soil, warmth, sunlight and all that is necessary for growth, to a seed that is dead for long, dried, broken somewhere, which will never yield any fruit. It will only bury itself under all the care, love and affection, which continues to pile on it, because it never bothered to let it soak within. 

I realise, it will be all withered, wilted and superficial... always 

#life #realisation #ignorance #flowers #bliss #difference #broken #unarmed #betterforgotten

[just-damn-thoughts]

Yes. This is true! #betterburied #betterforgotten #depressed #insomnia #better #sad #stress #anxiety #alone

#stress #anxiety #betterburied #betterforgotten #depressed #insomnia #sad #better #alone