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royal7waves · 2 years

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I want to write out my anxiety spiral today because I don’t know where I went wrong. am I just not handling stress well enough. do I just lie to myself and say I’m fine without taking the time to discover that I’m not.

I looked really cute today. that almost makes it worse.

work was fine. I did what I needed. I gave a cute note to my cute coworker who I hooked up with last week. He touched my head gently when no one was looking. Was I hoping he would ask me out? Was I disappointed when we parted ways? am I panicked at the thought that I like him and he doesn’t feel the same and it’s just poetic justice for all the men I haven’t liked.

I walked my dog, headphones in, avoiding people. impossible, with my dog. nicest dog in the world. wants to say hi to everyone. hard to walk him while the anxiety is building.

I wanted to go out. do something. I stay home every day. I live in the greatest city in the world and I sit at home, hiding. scared of finding something that might make me feel alive. did I just feel this way because I wanted attention? I texted him. I confessed my anxiety. the way I felt about him. the way I was scared. the way I was hiding.

and he was kind. I don’t know what I wanted. maybe for him to demand to come over. to demand to take me out. I don’t want to exist for a while. I wish I was tired, exhausted, so I could sleep forever.

I’m so worried. I have to spend so much time with my family soon, without my dog to hide behind, just anxious, ex-mormon me. I know I’m going to have panic attacks, and I know my sisters will judge me and I know that I’m not ready for it, and I will never be ready for it.

I want to be okay on my own. I wish I could just be by myself and need no one, want no one. I wish I didn’t crave the attention and validation that I do. I want to be okay on my own. I always have... I remember writing rules for myself in elementary school... don’t trust other people. you are better alone. why did I fell like that, at such a young age? why did I feel so betrayed by the people around me? I’ve always been odd. Maybe not odd... but myself. I can’t help it. No matter how hard I’ve tried, she comes out. Me. Her. What does that even mean.

I want to be in love and I’m terrified of falling. I want someone to be in love with me, and I’m terrified that I’ll hurt them. am I more scared of hurting than being hurt? maybe. how pretentious. I think I’m stronger, smarter, better than others, and that’s so fucked. I’m such an absolute bitch. I don’t understand why anyone would want to spend time with me. I’m unlovable. I’m unlovable. I’m unlovable. That’s what it always boils down to, isn’t it?

I’ve been trying desperately to hide her. me. myself. because I’m so scared she can’t be loved. I don’t think my family could love a girl defiant against their beloved god.

I want to do a good job at work. I want men to look at me, to love me, but also do not. I want to exist. I don’t want to exist. I want to hit myself. I don’t know how else to let these feelings out. do I do it to try and teach me a lesson? am I angry at myself? at her? would I be okay if I could’ve just strangled her and let myself follow the path set out before me? marry fast, have kids fast, put it all on the shelf, swallow my pride, my dreams, my everything and... what? disappear?

I could never. no matter how hard I try. she is strong. I am strong. she will always fight to be heard. I will always fight to be heard. why do I try and separate the two of us? is it so hard to believe I am so strong and yet so weak? so vulnerable? or am I just scared of being vulnerable?

I couldn’t go out. not by myself. I’d panic. seeing everyone with their friends, and with their lovers. I’d feel so lost. I’d feel even more alone. nothing like panicking with strangers. best avoided. better to cocoon at home and text the boy and regret every word of attempted vulnerability.

“I’m nothing more than a lonely depressed individual” he said

“Nothing in this world is worth your sanity. Including me.” he said

I hate my body. I wish I could take a break from my body for a while.

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