#being perceived is. exhausting

[iraprince]

Hiii, i love your stuff and kinda from a distance really look up at you for, in my perception, being able to express yourself without giving a fuck. Thats sick dude, Im so so afraid, of absolutely everything, its nice to think like i might grow into someone less apologetic of my existence. Nice to see people just being yknow

hey, thank you, this is really really nice. the secret that is probably not a secret is that i am also deeply afraid a lot of the time lmao -- but less than i used to be, and in ways that feel less stifling and self-suffocating, if that makes sense.

like, it used to be "i'm scared that if i express myself the way i want to, everyone will find me obnoxious, so let's just sand those edges down to be safe" -- now my fears are more like "now that i'm expressing myself in a way that feels natural and real, i'm afraid that it's all stupid/vapid/not worthwhile or meaningful" (<- specifically abt my art) or "i'm happy that i talk and act the way i want to now, but what if it makes me impossible to befriend," etc etc etc. which still feels bad and puts me in a funk a lot of the time but at least it's a fear that comes After/in reaction to doing stuff, rather than a fear that STOPS me from doing stuff, you know? like, it's evolved into a kind of fear that's less in my way.

anyway. i believe you'll experience something like this, because wanting to grow is the first step of growing. the fact that u hope or wish for something different means you're already on your way. to fewer fucks!! or at least distributing the fucks u give in a way that serves u better

#stuff like accepting that i'm reserved and i'm not very accessible via messages. #or that my online tone isn't very bubbly and it's weird and uncomfortable to force it. #i stop letting fears about that shape my behavior ('i'll look mean or snotty so let's force markers of Friendliness to avoid that!!') - #- and instead act the way i want to and then trade it in for new fears that come After the action. #also a good reminder to give urself is that if ur fear is abt how other ppl perceive u (as 90% of mine is personally) #u really... can't actually control that. and being very very anxious abt it all the time is usually ur brain throwing a tantrum abt not-- #--having that control. bc it is understandably very scary that u don't have that control #as much as it sucks + is terrifying the truth is the only thing u can do is ask urself 'am i behaving in a way that i'm proud of' #'am i behaving in a way that's in alignment w my values + what i think is important' #bc if the answer to that is yes and somebody hates u or is deeply offended by ur existence anyway. well. literally not ur problem #but obv being at peace w that is way way easier said than done + requires tons of practice and will take. probably. years. which is fine #i am stuck with myself. i can either contort myself forever trying to be someone everyone will like and find totally nonthreatening and- #inoffensive and in the process exhaust myself totally and never feel safe or natural myself. OR #i can say okay. so i am a kind of prickly guy with stern and drab speech patterns and close to no social energy. and i think i can still be #-sexy and fun this way. and it is up to other ppl to figure out if they can agree w me on that #ANYWAY enough rambling for now. just another one of those things i think abt a lot so i have a lot of ready-made sentences abt it in mind

[starlitcrows]

god of annihilation, do you, too, grow weary of your duty?

#robin #grima #fire emblem #fire emblem awakening #fea #fe13 #fire emblem heroes #feh #fell robin #grima robin #neosketches #personal favorite interpretation of grima is the exhausted one #who follows lucina back knowing it is his own death sentence #because to be in and out of sleep for millennia #and knowing nothing but destruction #seeing nothing but the conflict humanity makes for itself #knowing that to mankind you will always be a weapon #acknowledging you will be forever perceived as evil and sinful #what would be kinder than true rest? #the only thing a being of ruin and despair can bring upon himself is his namesake #all things end says the fell dragon #you will end first says the fell dragon #through those words does he acknowledge that one day he too will end? #the germanic root word of the name grima is mask #forneus crafted death masks #do you cloak yourself in death to hide the fact you want to live? #do you parade yourself on pride and a god complex to disguise the fact that #a third of the blood that created you was human? #to die by your own hands #what is a more fitting end for one who preaches obliteration of the self?

[chainofclovers]

Being a human is literally like this weird combo of being okay and not okay that goes on forever except there is also death

#(i'm fine) #(personally) (mostly) (really) #this has just been an absolutely terrible year for our planet and its people and animals #and it's fucking insane that as an american living in relative safety and comfort and experiencing the pleasures and guilt of that... #...i can experience this horrible yet ENTIRELY SURVIVABLE blend of acute pain over so many things at once #including war and genocide and the utter hopelessness of that #and also things like being really really sad that matthew perry's life was so hard and he died #and also so many bad and weird things have happened to family members this year but we mostly have the resources to come together and deal #which is amazing and bolstering and exhausting #and my brain still has space to be excited about writing and numb to writing and angry/impotent about writing #desperate for feedback yet private and retreat-y and weird #always hoping to hit upon The Perfect Thing :-/ #and i live in a place that basically is not a democracy any more and also the u.s. is so cursed we've never been what we said we were #so a lot of my own perceived safety is incredibly fragile #but still so much more solid than what the people i am mourning for had #and none of the comparisons make a lick of sense and are in and of themselves deeply unfair #to the point that it's humiliating to feel guilt (making it about me) and simultaneously humiliating that i don't feel guilt *constantly* #and i have therapy this week but also this deep sense that while my therapist will be a fine person to talk to it will feel unuseful #i've always been a muddle of optimism and pessimism and i am very adamant that life is super beautiful and this is precisely why... #...all the violence in the world is so brutally devastating #it's just that the casserole of all these thoughts feels increasingly horrible #and feeling that way is 100% sane #and even intersectional frameworks and intentional attempts at gentleness only get you so far in the grapple #for meaning and for ideas of what to do #so i end up contacting my reps about various awful things #and zooming in and out on my fixations and having excellent days and terrible days #often dependent on what feels like a camera setting i only partially control #and i'm sure i'm not alone in feeling embarrassed that deep empathy and grief for people i've not met somehow ends up being... #...at least a sliver about ME and my little world #about me

[footnoteinhistory]

In one of those headspaces where everything I say and think and do is embarrassing and stupid and makes me want to crawl under a rock. Yay

#if you perceive me sorry. sorry #also my Chronic Illness flared up this week for the first time in months and that makes me. very very stressed and upset. double yay #struggling for breath 80% of the day is exhausting and annoying on top of being scary I hate it here #it could settle tomorrow or it could last years again there’s no way to tell 😄

[pekodayz]

I think the worst worst worst part abt having a following is that i can’t vent a lot even tho i really want to. at least i have like a priv disc server so it’s literally just me myself and the bot

#and i can’t even cry anymore like my body rejects it. UGHHHH #i need a good cry I’m just here kinda exhausted #im afraid of being perceived in a dif light so yah #ig it would be nice to have someone listen but that’s scary too #and i don’t want my mutuals to see me like that either

[ohmeadows]

fighting the urge to delete tumblr and discord and enter into reclusive hermit life once more (i seem to do this every other year)

#meadows.txt #this may be the depression speaking it may be a general kind of exhaustion with #gestures. #existing and being perceived while i exist #i was doing okay on that front and then one day i simply wasn't

[pinkspiraling]

being a person is so hard i am struggling

#it’s the wedding weekend. and i am anxious and struggling to not let every little thing destroy my self esteem #it’s exhausting and i hate being perceived. this is so hard. how will i survive in the world #pink’s word vomiting

[echo-s-land]

It's insane how most of the time I don't get how ppl interact and I also Don't Fucking Care

#vent ig #i wish i could #but unfortunately i havent had the occasion of sharing one of my interest with you in the past three months and when i did it didnt go as i #wanted and now we're supposed to talk through smalltalks except i dont know how to do those so im awkward as hell and unconsciously cut the #short and now im being hated (?) even tho that wasnt my intent #but i guess no matter how trustful i am i just look like a liar #and i cant even bring myself to care bc how am i supposed to explain myself when youre convinced what i say is a lie #we werent even supposed to be this close so sorry if im stiff. i tried to get along but i just cant #the never ending circle between 'i want to have ppl to interact with being alone to experience this world is exhausting and dreadful' and #'im not even remotely interested by any of you' #its different on tumblr bc i can curate my own experience & nobody comes @ me when i dont interact with them for days or weeks (BC IVE GOT #NOTHING TO SAY) and its okay and its normal and we dont have to do the 'hi how are you wyd' script every single time (sure we can check up #on each other once in a while but it doesnt become a script. it feels genuine.) #anyway. im so normal. i can def care about ppl that have never been as insane as me about something we both love(d at some point) #am pretty sure i developed 'i perceived you saying/thinking One(1) bad thing about me and now i dont care at all about your existence' as #a child as a coping mechanism but goddammit i feel like an asshole everytime it happened #i hate feeling apathetic #and i hate lying too so i cant just say shit to reassure them when i dont mean them #cant tell them im sorry about how my behavior is perceived when im so damn tired and would rather they disappear of my life

[kirbyddd]

ok that was a new one

#trying to fall asleep half falling asleep and then instantly waking up in a cosmically dissociative state #that was not ok. it can't start happening to me without an adverse reaction to treatment ... #i can't remember when the other time in my life i experience a similar thing was.... #one part of the brain fully awake but an entire other part still asleep and the rest conscious without it (NOT supposed to happen) #hellish stuff maan not ok not ok #i looked at my hands and recognized and understood them... but also recognized and understood the arbitrariness of their shape and number #and of the form of my mind and perception and place in time and errything. #cmon man you're only supposed to do that to people on random drugs not overstressed ppeople tryin to frickin sleep 😭 #fuckin worst anxiety attack in a long LONG while fuckin hell. #i had to walk and wait for the rest of my brain to wake up and start perceiving so i could fuckin have the rest of my human context back #like where do you even hide man when the rest of your mind isn't there to run back to. it's like being stripped under the eye of sauron #the zones of my brain are too frickin detached and desynchronized i need to be neurologically sewn back together #i experienced temporary (~hourlong in ebbs and waves) broca's aphasia at treatment the other week. wild. and not ok #im gonna try tms again i think. it wasn't a silver bullet for me but it did help repair my cognition and memory and coherency for a bit... #til i lost it again at least #i miss josette. i played her game when rising on the brief crest of tms before my exhaustion started outweighing the few improvements #I'll revisit josette and sedona blue if i do that treatment again. J1 is too much of a slog to replay but J2 is a timeless precious gem #tms is so painful though it shocks my neuralgia #but im desperate i guess #ahahaahhh i need helppp. i ain bin this screwed since 2020 i think

[toxooz]

the whole " should i go ahead and apply for this house bc it looks decent enough and its literally the only one that's i can afford or would i be jumping the gun too soon and i should wait just in case a better house pops up" anticipation is soooooo 💀

#like yeah this house is good but could a better one pop up later??? btu what if i lose the opportunity??? hate this shit #cause if its a decent price for me then chances are ppl are going to dive for it as well and itll be gone in like a week #but real shit im ready to move on from apartments lmfao i literally cannot deal with People Being Everywhere All The Time #my evergrowing unhealthy antisocial ass thats terrified of being perceived is not having a punk rock time anymore #my own washer and dryer i will fight 4 u #plus the CONSTANT hyperawareness of making any noise ever up here is rlly exhausting im ready to take a shower at 4am and not gaf #not to mention everytime i get Too high my paranoia gives me delusions of all my neighbors trying to break in my house and kill me bc theyr #sick of my shit (what that shit is idk LMFAO) like every noise they make sounds so angry #idk man im ready for my own true space FOCK #ive decided im just gunna rent i aint buyin a house around here forget it lmfao #but hey at least i know that i know that ill be in an actual house by the end of the year and no more ''making too much $'' anxiety #but finding said house is 🤡🔫 #ANYWAY this has been: roxy housing rants

[licorishh]

Hey as a super introverted but not shy person I'd just like to say the jokes about extroverts "adopting" introverts to "get them out of their shell" are actually completely unfunny and it just goes to show how little respect a lot of y'all have for the fact that we genuinely don't want excessive social interaction and that y'all are forcing us to do something that brings us extreme physical and mental discomfort because you perceive our introversion as a failing rather than as purely a difference in personality.

We don't need your "help" to socialize. We're not children. We're simply not interested in spending every waking second of our lives talking to people and being talked at in return.

#again i scream from the rooftops that there is a monumental chasm between being shy and actually being an introvert #a shy person is someone who's afraid of social interaction. an extrovert can be naturally shy. #a shy person can WANT lots of social interaction but simply have not learned to feel comfortable in social situations. #people who are just very introverted simply have little desire or capacity for excessive human interaction. #we're not “afraid” of it. we just don't enjoy it and it wears us out. #you don't need to swoop in and save us because we can't handle ourselves. we're perfectly fine thank you #extroverts are constantly demanding that we get out of our comfort zones but few of you are willing to make the alternative more comfortabl #if you're a very extroverted person please do not take it upon yourself to jokingly “adopt” introverts you meet. #it's not funny and it's not helpful. it's irritating that you perceive our quietness and low social battery as something that needs “fixing #we won't miraculously learn to love and be comfortable with excessive human interaction. that's not how we're wired and that's OKAY #i'm honestly getting so sick of the “the lonely introvert and the extrovert who adopted them” memes #i can guarantee you that if you are an extrovert who operates this way then your introvert “friend” is actually probably very uncomfortable #and just don't want to say anything because they think it would be rude to bring up the fact that they don't want what you want from them #this does NOT mean extroverts and introverts cannot be friends nor am i saying all extroverts are annoying or that they all do this #i'm simply saying that if you are very extroverted and you have a friend who's very introverted #then it's on you to be aware of your introvert friend's limited social battery and STOP pressuring them to just “put up with it” #don't spend every second with them constantly talking. be willing to spend some time just in the quiet. #be willing to let them bow out of something if they're exhausted and are low on social energy. #don't expect them to want to come to every meeting or party or get-together because it WILL drain them completely. #be willing to let them spend time alone when they need to to recharge. #letting an introvert cool off and recharge when they need to is ALWAYS going to make social situations less stressful for them. #PLEAAAAASE take their feelings into account and understand that they do NOT perceive social interactions the way you do. #most very introverted people do not find socialization relaxing or invigorating. they don't do it to unwind #they have to unwind AFTER lots of social interaction #that's about it. thank you and good night

[piebutt]

i'll be honest i dont know how much energy or patience i have for fandom stuff anymore lol

#even just posting sketches makes me tired #iunno......it's tiring #fans are tiring fandoms are tiring im just trying to hyperfocus #but oof i dont think i got the brainpower to do the thing i did with dai on here lol #certainly not while unmedicated l o l #just wanna be in my corner not being perceived yknow #nothing triggered this thought process btw just got exhausted browsing stuff for literally a second lol

[angelsdream]

communication is so hard for me bc of anxiety, every word that could be said comes with innumerable, inescapable worries

#I struggle with the concept of being perceived #theres so much less stress if I just don’t talk #it’s so exhausting #I feel so drastically different from every person I’ve spoken with and met irl #sometimes I think people I’d consider myself to be alike lock themselves up and don’t talk to anyone

[polaraffect]

current state of politics really got me swerving wildly between "yes I want to present as a man" and "oh god is this even worth it maybe I'm not even really trans" and it's bringing me to my limit

#damien.txt #sorry its like 5 am and i havent slept and wanna vent so. here inam #i really do be having a wild time bc ill have like. weeks at a time where ill be like. wait a second. what if im not trans actually #okay well. never in a 'im 100% not trans' way but in a 'maybe i shouldnt transition' way #and then ill have a day where i wake up and go. oh. i think that feeling is just coming from fear about. the current state of trans issues #because oh my FUCKING GOD am i scared like 24/7 bc of that shit #and so like. then im like. maybe i really am like. actually transmasc. fr. bc i like. literally have been feeling it my whole life. #and then i wake up a couple weeks later back at the beginning like hmm....... but..... what if.... #and im so tired of not knowing!! it's fucking exhausting questioning what the fuck is happening w me every 2 seconds #and im being dramatic abt it but idk. i think its a symptom of neurodivergence or something bc im like. so so scared abt being trans atm #at a level that is. certainly unhealthy. #and it really feels like something that is inhibiting me from doing things in life which is like. upsetting y'know! #but at the same time. the concept of going thru life as my birth gender is... bad. sort of inconceivable at this point. #and this is particularly hard bc like. really going back and forth on making decisions abt taking T. bc when i get in these spirals #abt maybe not being trans. i get the urge to not take it. but like. i cant fluctuate w a medicine like that that much! #but at the same time when i go back to being like oh yeah transmasc... my brain is like cool. take T again. so. fuck me i guess. #idk man. im just like. i just want to live my life without being perceived by others actually #my true gender is no one's business <3 thanks #i am. tired.

[widowshill]

man some of those tags on that "why did you follow this person" post got to me. man !!! !

#I LOVE YOU ???? #➤ ooc. ┊ she’s nauseous，she’s hysterical，and she’s exhausted. #i try not to worry about being Perceived too much bc crowd approval is the mind killer !! i want to blog earnestly !! to *be* earnestly !! #but lately i have been um... mal à l'aise. i shall admit. #but the things that i have been most Concernèd about. my impassioned r/v blogging. headcanon dumps. insane bs / ds crossover posting. #to see that all just so embraced. not as a *despite* but as a *because* #it's really genuinely moved me and reassured a lot of my doubts about being / posting here :''''' ) ) #idk i am. Grateful. for my small warm little group here. like mostly at the end of the day i'm making my little doodles and putting them #up on the fridge. and it has brought me ... uncountable joy. that u guys smile at it when u open the fridge to make ur dinner. #anyways. i am cringe and i am free <3 hysterical woman rv shipper. or something

[cagcd]

Endless Johnny Cage edits // 11

#☆.⠀⠀⠀it's exhausting being so perfect⠀⠀⠀⎯⎯⎯⠀⠀⠀⠀(⠀visage !⠀) #// y'all already know my thoughts about this scene #// I just want you to perceive him <3