#before we started talking i have already concluded in my head that im not gf shaped no matter how much i try/tried to be | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

hardladybanana · 6 years

Text

(ramble about my gf)

honestly, when i decided to be open to polyamory i never really expected it to become anything, i didnt have any crushes at the time, i never really crushed on people in general and i wasnt gonna start downloading apps and go dating people. i was pretty content with how things were and i just thought of poly more as a thing that i wouldnt be opposed to. its been a few years since then and it wasnt until this year that things kinda opened up for me, first things was kinda bad and i learned a bunch of things about myself and about relationships. then as i try to move on with my life i accidentally stumble onto one of the most amazing people ive ever met. on a site i rarely used, i befriended a person who was way cooler than me and i barely did anything. i retweeted something and i replied to some post and then she messaged me, without really knowing much about me and we started talking, first out of a few shared experiences i guess, and i thought that was kinda cool. but then we started talking more about music and i thought it was really cool someone who was, musically, way out of my league was willing to talk to me about stuff. after that, it’s a blur, but somehow we started talking about everything and anything and for hours and hours til 5 in the morning for days in a row. we’d known eachother only for weeks but it felt way longer than that, this october became the longest october of my life. usually im oblivious to my own feelings, usually im oblivious and im self-sabotaging, i realize my feelings too late and i always try to convince myself nothings worth trying or that i should distance myself from people, if only subconsciously. but i think the events that transpired a bit earlier that year led me to overcome these flaws a bit. im no longer as depressed, or depressed at all maybe, so i didnt feel like sabotaging myself and i had recently learned to understand myself better and face what im feeling instead of burying my head in the ground. but dont get me wrong, as soon as i suspected i had feelings, i tried to bury myself, i thought she could never see me that way and that i was just excited over networking with a very cool person. but life comes at you fast and when she tweeted a picture of herself eating pez candies from a toad pez-dispenser and described it as “making out with toad” i was immediately hit by the silliest and most undeniable feeling of all time. i was fucking jealous of the pez dispenser. i mean, i didnt know how to proceed at first, i was just kinda stuck there trying not to be too in love for a while. but vaguetweeting from both sides eventually made things pretty darn clear. there was really no other explanation. when i knew for sure she liked me i knew how to proceed, we’d already talked about meeting up irl because we dont live thaaaaat far apart(ok we kinda do, but it couldve been way worse). my plan was pretty simple, we meet up and i “ask her out” irl once i know we work irl too(asking out, as in, asking if this is a date lol). but those plans were viciously pryed out of my hands when she instead decided to ask me about my feelings first. i didnt think she would and i accidentally ignored her first message, making her feel more awkward about the whole situation than she should have had to feel. but she resent the message and i saw it this time, i was very confused and all my words were vague which led to more questions from her, all of which, were pretty vague too. we pretty much concluded that there was “something” between us, the most vague and dumb way to say that we were in love ever lol. but i guess we were both too nervous to be proper about anything haha. so we decided that the logical thing to do was to go on a date as soon as possible, which we managed to find time to do pretty quickly(it requires more coordination than you think). because of distance i would have to sleep over, so it wouldve been extremely awkward if it didnt work out, we decide i can stay over there and entire weekend, three days. so that means that it really needs to work out or it would be veeery awkward. i dont know how we were brave enough to decide 3 days when we were both nervous and anxious wrecks. but we seemed to have the exact same anxieties, fear that we were too ugly irl, fear that we would be hated by the other person for some reason, fear that we just wouldnt have any chemistry etc. so we meet irl and its a bit awkward at first, starting conversations is always awkward y’know. we go to eat and it’s kinda awkward because were still nervous and stuff but i think i should give credit to my gf for steering the conversation towards musicmaking, a topic which we both enjoy and which got me rambling haha(which she apparently likes? she likes when i just talk passionately about stuff i like) then we go home to her place(to hang out for a few hours before we go bowling as the 2nd date activity of the day). we were just sitting on the couch and talking(awkwardly). i feel like were sitting too far apart and wanna close the distance, we manage to eventually kinda cuddle up. im leaning on her shoulder and just resting a bit(which is understandable, i had an unexplicable stomach ache) and suddenly she kisses me on the cheek, which was totally unexpected and i can barely register what is happening, but somehow i know what to do because i turn my head and we kiss. this is probably my favourite memory with her so far, it was both a completely natural turn of events but simultaneously just a blur because i was confused. i didnt see out first kiss happening like that, i wouldve rambled about how i was a bad and a sloppy kisser first before awkwardly engaging in a kiss, but this was somehow smooth as fuck. it sounds dumb, but that day we really needed that kiss, it relieved aaaall tension and all previous awkward silence became just silence, pretty wonderful silence most of the time. we were still a bit nervous or whatever, this was all new, but at least we were a bit more secure now and knew how to move forward eventually. then, the rest of a weekend was a blast, we made out with ‘the room’ playing in the background, we established that we were officially girlfriends, we said ‘i love you’ and lots of stuff. it was great. of course, the last day wasnt that great, knowing that not only did none of our fears turn out to be true, but that she was instead better than id ever thought before(and trust me, i really liked her before, i was almost about to write the first “i love you” before we even met). before we met irl she had already become a part of my daily life and it would be hard to imagine not chatting with her daily, but now after meeting irl we realized the standards had been raised again, how could we leave eachother? we needed to be together daily too. since then only a short period of time passes(that feels like forever) before we manage to find three new days to hang out during and we have a great time again, but this time she has to leave me instead of vice versa. i wish there was the possibility of hanging out for like a week or something, or just four days at least. shes absolutely wonderful and i love her, i dont want to be annoying but i decided to write all of this down anyways. tumblr is just kinda my shitpost diary anyways, who cares whats on it. i just needed to write it all down in a somewhat good order and include some of the important events. because a thing weve mentioned a “few” times by now is that we have no idea how we happened, how we got to know eachother, that we both fell for eachother, that it worked out or that it worked out so fucking well as it did. its just unimaginable to me that i would just be doing nothing and a small gust of wind blows my way and turns my life upside down. the future looks very different from what it did in september and i didnt even do that much, life happened to me without me planning it and im constantly confused but very very happy.

#my opinion has always been that #parents dont need to know #the older generation wont be as understanding i think #but what about the future #how long can i not tell my family?#it probably wont be for a while #but its probably something i want to do at some point #if i didnt tell them theyd probably catch on eventually #are they to believe i just love spending time in a city far away very often because my best friend lives there?#best friend #its as good of a title it gets when talking to family i guess #tova if youre reading this right now #hi #why are you on my tumblr?#you dont even really use this site #also yea #i stayed up way too late #sorry ill go to sleep now

0 notes