#because i miss them so much okay

[blackkatdraws2]

Voice of Fate. [Achromatic Loop AU]

#hough i feel bad #double upload!!! #not for anything personal #i just feel bad because the previous post might be a bit too much for some people (?) #i dont want them to miss out on stuff #so have this angst instead #aahh (⁠⊃⁠｡⁠•́⁠‿⁠•̀⁠｡⁠)∘⁠˚⁠˳⁠° I'll try making something softer and not grosser soon #so just sit tight okay? ^w^= #I'll cook food for you #tsp achromatic loop au #tsp au #the stanley parable #the stanley parable ultra deluxe #tspud #tsp #tsp narrator #narrator tsp #stanley tsp #tsp stanley #my drawing museum

[scificrows]

Okay, my brain refuses to think about anything other than Murderbot, so I looked at every use of the word "friend[s]" in TMBD and... created some pie charts. Normal human activities.

Some Thoughts™ I had while putting this together (under the cut):

In All Systems Red, Murderbot notes that the PresAux crew are all close friends (twice! and goes on to explain their internal relationships which I think is very cute). This is pretty much the only use of 'friends' in ASR, except for when Murderbot says that SecUnits can't be friends with each other.

It seems that this may be one of the first times Murderbot has ever really been around a group of friends before? Murderbot notes that this is not the norm for its contracts and admits that the fact that they are all friends and the way they interact with each other make it actually enjoy that contract (before!!!! the hostile attack, so it already enjoys this contract before they start seeing it as a person etc ghghhhh). [Inference: Friendship seems enjoyable.]

The first character that calls Murderbot its friend is ART in Artificial Condition. Murderbot immediately refutes this (and then goes on to call ART its friend to its clients for the rest of the book). [Inference: Maybe ART is Murderbot's friend. And maybe that is... agreeable]

Rogue Protocol has more than twice as many instances of the word 'friend' as any of the other novellas. Why? Miki. Friendship and its implications for non-humans are a central theme because Miki is friends with everyone. Murderbot initially scoffs at the notion that Miki and Miki's humans are friends. At the end of the book, after witnessing how desperately Don Abene tried to stop Miki from trying to save them, and her grief after its death, Murderbot has to admit that she had in fact been Miki's friend. [Inference: Humans can be friends with bots and can sincerely care about them]

In Exit Strategy, Murderbot tentatively uses the word "friends" for its humans for the first time (several times actually). It questions whether it can actually call them its friends or not and later realizes that it had been afraid what admitting that the humans are its friends would do to it. At the end of the book, Mensah tells Murderbot the PresAux crew are its friends, which is the first time a human has directly said that to it (at least on-page). [Inference: Humans can and want to be Murderbot's friends]

In Network Effect, Murderbot seems to be more habituated to the word 'friend', confidently calling ART and Ratthi its friends, like it is no longer just trying the concept on unsure if it fits. There are many instances in which other characters refer to MB as ART's friend or the other way around and Murderbot's humans refer to Murderbot as their friend several times. Generally, there seems to be less hesitancy, because yes, all of them are Murderbot's friends, why wouldn't they be. [Inference: SecUnits can have friends. This SecUnit has friends. They care about it a lot.]

Conclusion: The Murderbot Diaries tell the story of a construct that does not seem to consider the possibility of friendship for itself and is fine with that - until it accidentally starts caring a little too much and suddenly more and more people annex it as a friend (ew) to the point where it can no longer deny that this is happening and has to begrudgingly admit that yes, it has friends now and maybe that is actually not a bad thing.

#the murderbot diaries #murderbot #𓄿 #hi i'm READY to write a thesis about murderbot i am having way too much fun with this #i created a pretty excel spreadsheet and everything #i don't know why i did this but now i can look at them while i think about this more! so i figured i'd share them haha #i didn't count uses of 'friendly' but special shoutout to when MB is all alone in its cold cubicle missing 20% of its body mass #and starts putting on a show because 'the friendly noise would keep it company' 😭😭 #i feel sick thinking about murderbot all alone on its own not knowing what its like to have friends watching media for 'the friendly noise' #also YES okay i wanted to make a point about miki there but i just #couldn't bring myself to talk about that more so... yeah #also uhhh this data is very subjective #i didn't count particularly ironic uses of 'friend' and generally did not count every instance of friend and sometimes it was a hard call #also i probably shouldn't have counted the times murderbot refered to drones or secsystems as its friends (often after hacking them) #but murderbot does seem to care about them and shows kindness and respect and sometimes points out that a system is friendly #so while i don't think MB means “friend” in the same way referring to them as when it refers to ART for instance #i still think its CUTE and also kinda funny how many times that happened so i decided to keep those!!! #but yeah take my data with a grain of salt lol

[arthursfuckinghat]

The worst part about playing rdr2 again is knowing who's going to die, how they're going to die, when they're going to die, and not be able to do a single thing about it

#sorry I'm just thinking about lenny and sean a lot #they're so full of life #sean is always cheering people up and talking about whatever nonsense he talks about #he fills the silence #lenny is always chirpy and keeping himself busy with reading but is always happy to talk #kieran too #he was always nice even when everyone was cruel to him or picking on him #he did chores and helped with the horses and did whatever he was told #and was grateful for it #nobody fucking noticed when he disappeared apart from mary beth #nobody got to mourn sean #but lenny and hosea both got what they wanted #they were buried with friends #I miss them so much its why I'm still on chapter two because everything's okay for now #micah is still in jail everyone's happy #its hard #rdr2 #red dead redemption 2 #mick squeaks #arthur morgan #lenny summers #sean macguire #kieran duffy #molly saying “I love you dutch” and getting a “thank you dear” in return makes my blood boil #oh molly

[ryllen]

Look what came through the mail today! The letters & ( •̀ω•́ )σ 3 little gremlins from letterstoear.

Just wanna say i adore the flower stickers on the letters too much, they are that much worth mentioning.

#letterstoear #nui #twst #twisted wonderland #sebek zigvolt #malleus draconia #twst grim #mod posting #okay but i love squishing the bears with my thumb; they just have the right thickness to be pressed on #i really like the flower stickers; they look like romantically artistic wax seal #the letters are pleasantly nice #i love the part where cheka personally request for an audience with yuu thru sebek 🥺🥺🥹🥹 too cute hnggh ....... #sebek becoming our little mailman for our little invitation aw 🥹 for those who wanna know the context of the letter; #i requested a letter from sebek that he sent home while he was away accompanying malleus on other country duty #my other favorite part is just him simply opening the letter with 'My love' #i'm sealed 🥹 the first paragraph is written so sweetly #i enjoy reading the letter slowly outside in peaceful afternoon today; i ran it through together with sebek nui #this will be my treasured keepsake from now on 🥹; it seriously made me miss letters and wish i have someone to send this kind of letter to #it was a bit funny how the envelope sebek's letter came from is sticked with the guys from free! sticker fhsdsh 🤣😂 #and me with the white haired guy like WHo are u?? fsjdsdjsd (´つヮ⊂); but it's a really nice service #the thank you letter came with such a cute and yummy folding paper; thank you for the stickers too #i feel like there's a bit whoopsie on grim's winky eye fshfh like i think the sharpie just blurs the separating space '<' supposed to have #and just combine it all together into one angry eye; and sebek bear's eyes are just a little bigger than i expected it to be #but the more i look at them i think they are just having a little individuality & still cute #i embraced it all together while knowing the fact none of handmade thing would always be the same one with the other; hehe sebek nui has fr #i kinda forget that there's this kind of clip earring fshd; because i always get the ones that work like screw from aliexpress #i know that the literal clip one would just be literal meaning of pain fsh; just like the magnet one my father once got me when i was a kid #it was painful but pretty; tho i lost it quickly bcs magnet easily get loosed once one part of it moves around when u touch ur hair or face #anyhow i had a pleasant day because of this; thank you very much ! sebek nui said 'thank you' too! ‧₊˚❀༉‧₊˚. ❀ ✿ 𖤣…

[bonetrousledbones]

so when are we gonna start appreciating undertale AUs for fueling a metric fuck ton of the creativity and longevity of the fandom because if i see one more person calling them the cringiest part of the last 8 years i might lose it

#trousled rants #been feeling a bit salty about this for a while but im letting it out now because i Can #but its insane seein ppl say “oh the fandom's mellowed out a lot its way more peaceful now” and agreeing bc it IS #and then “yeah now that AUs aren't so popular anymore its way more bearable” and its like :) okay #and if i told you that fan game you've been talking about for the past month is an au. what then #sighsghs its just like man i GET that a lot of aus are just edgy for the sake of it but shit dude!!! people were just having fun!!!!! #a lot of them were an avenue for ppl learning how to make their own stories!! even if they're not perfect or in character #making a shit ton of papyrus aus is one of the main things that helped me realize how much i love character design #and i KNOWWWW i'm not the only one and youre trying to tell me that's not awesome as hell!!!!! #yeah i probably i have nostalgia glasses but maybe i do kinda miss when everybody was a bit more insane actually . maybe i do #undertale

[sonik-kun]

I've seen a lot of people claim lately (mostly JC antis) that WWX performing the experimental core transplant on JC was emergency surgery, and I just have to stop them right there.

This was not emergency surgery by any means. Emergency surgery implies that it is something that NEEDS to be done, or else it would mean imminent death for the patient.

JC did not need that core to survive. He could have very much lived without it. He only needed it for revenge. To get back into joining the war effort to avenge his parents and his sect.

WWX didn't have to do it at all. Sure, JC was miserable, borderline suicidal. But I've seen and read aus where him coming to terms with his new disability is and can be very much possible. Hard, and a lot to work through mentally and physically, but not impossible.

JC did not force WWX to give up his core. It was very much implied that he would grow HIS OWN one via Baoshan Sanren. There was no way JC could have assumed that it was WWX's or anyone else's core for that matter when the concept of a core transplant did not exist at that moment in time. He was the first one to have survived and lived to tell the tale.

Plus, his mental state at that time was questionable. On the surface, he was willing to "consent" to anything if it meant getting his core back, regardless of how and why. But because of his vulnerability, that doesn't mean he consents to being treated like a guinea pig, nor should he have been treated like one for that matter. Although the intentions were good and pure, his vulnerability and naivety was still taken advantage of here. That cannot be disputed.

He also did not consent to having someone else's core (someone else who he cares for deeply, mind) being inserted in him. That possibility was obviously something that would have never crossed his mind in that moment. It is unfair and unreasonable to assume it would and claim he consented to something he didn't even know was possible.

He was led to believe that Baoshan Sanren could successfully give him a new core willy nilly, no questions asked because she was a fabled person with amazing abilities. It was that he consented to here alone, nothing else.

So yes, although WWX's intentions were pure and from the goodness of his heart, he did in fact mislead JC. The whole core reveal and the shock revelation behind it is proof of that. What would be the point in that scene otherwise if it was 100% consensual? And Jiang Cheng's famous "why didn't you tell me?" Break down?

It's okay to accept the moral greyness behind WWX's heroic actions, you know? It won't make him any less of a protagonist, nor does it undermine his HUGE sacrifice. You're still allowed to like him, warts and all. I know I certainly do!

#mxtx mdzs #mo dao zu shi #mdzs #the untamed #canon jiang cheng #jiang cheng #jiang wanyin #wei wuxian #sometimes protagonists make mistakes #sometimes protagonists can be morally grey #sometimes protagonists mean well but can do quesrionable things in their pursuit to help others #and thats okay #it still doesn't take away the fact that wwx is a good person who cares for jc #likewise jc's sacrfice was equally as huge and needs to be made more into a big deal #because i find it odd that some fans still brush over it or try to down play it just to elevate wwx's #completely missing the point of the story #these boys lost so much man #how can you not love them? #warts and all!

[dailykugisaki]

Day 111 | id in alt

"WE'LL USE THE POWER OF FRIENDSHIP!"

*beats you to death*

#dailykugisaki #jjk #kugisaki nobara #itadori yuji #The reason why Kugisaki looks like thay is because Itadori is prone to freak jumping ngl #Itadori grabbing Kugisaki and suddenly they're both through 5 roofs and theres multiple sirens going off just because his ass jumped #i had to add the dog it made me giggle okay #i am thinking too much #ANYWAY #BESTIES THAT HOLD HANDS BESTIES THAT CARE SO BAD BUT ARE SO ASS AT CARING IN A PERCEIVABLE WAY TO THEMSELVES #theyre so yas #i miss them so bad #using bright lights on clothing killed my grandparents on both sides💔 #also off topic but if somebody makes a backshot joke around me I'm going to steal something out they house before #before obliterating them with the thingamajig

[madamescarlette]

don't you love when you're like, okay now I'm going to leave this sorrow in the old year so I don't turn into a crotchety bitter person over it, and then you walk on feeling all refreshed and bright no longer carrying it on your shoulders, but then the sorrow wanders after you like a child who was lost in the supermarket weeping its eyes out and it says to you where did you GO I was lost! I was lost and I missed you!!! and you can only sigh and take it by its hand and say to it very well. here's your seat. I'm sorry I left you behind, I promise it was with the best of intentions, but I want to do my best by you, so let's sit together and try to figure out what you're saying to me.

#thinking out loud #i'm truly like. ok i'm mostly fine i'm a little bit going through it because it's harshest month of winter and it's always weird this month #but i just think it's so funny that i have to be like OH you don't suddenly stop....hurting over something because you decided to! #if you were missing someone who was important to you two months ago by golly you probably still will two months from then!! #weird how that be! anyway #it's funny to me because it's like the opposite of object impermanence #i used to think i was all heart no head and that there's a part of me that went hard in the opposite direction to counteract that #but i am still as much as heart as i ever was except now i have my logical side going yip yip girl we gotta go!!! let's go!!! #and the heart is like holding up a shakey hand going oh lads you go on without me...i just need to catch my breath for like....15 years #anyway anyway. the narrative is indeed kind but that doesn't mean that it doesn't sting sometimes #but! we can do the best that we can and take our troubles by their hands and learn what we can from them and it will all be okay in the end #(i hope this post isn't too complainy or miserable. i may take it down later but i feel the need to say it somewhere.) #regardless of that. happy Friday my friends I love you all dearly bless you for being near me <3 <3

[cold-neon-ocean]

Posting this by itself because :) I just feel like he should have gotten to wear the mech pilot suit at least once..

(my AU black version and the og green)

#Legend of Korra #Baatar Jr. #LoK #WIP #[ since this is from something silly I wanted to post this bit because he is serving very cunty #even if you know he's talking about accidentally ingesting caustic chemicals lol #this was def self indulgent but also why couldn't he have worn the suit at least once sobs #we had one chance #I don't actually think he uses the mech suit hardly ever even though he has his own personal one #but on rare occasions he does and gets in this outfit and Kuvira are you okay? Are you good? Has anyone checked on her? #I feel like this outfit is what causes her to take a serious sanity hit LOL #she just drags him away by the hood and no one sees them again for like 4 hours #or she's just like “You know what I think he could use my help :)” and proceeds to be everything but helpful #idk how anything in this regime gets done I swear #the most Baatar ever used the mech suits was when they were first being built #idk dude I love a man in a working uniform sobs #I knew someone would recognize the mech pilot suit hehe that made me smile because yeah :))) #it felt good to draw Baatar again sobs I love him so much I've missed him #I do kinda wish this sketch was cleaner but I wanted to at least post it now in case I never did lol #I should to a proper illust of him in the pilot suit one day just for the pure self indulgence of it all #give myself a lill treat you know? ] #Neon Ocean Art

[kqluckity]

my favorite headcanon for the eggs is that, in their human forms, their appearance changed to look more like their parents

so to me tilin had a red eye and a brown eye, slightly tanned skin, a lot a lot of moles, a slightly arched nose, and her hair was just like quackity's but brown. she was also taller than bobby and shorter than juanaflippa

#sorry for continuing to talk about tilin it's just. i miss them #i also have thought about a couple others like bobby and juanaflippa but the way they usually look in fanarts is also how i imagine them #so i don't have much to add #also i think bobby and tilin's hair was the same length (kind of mullet length but bobby's hair was a bit more curly) but bobby's was darke #while flippa's hair was both longer because she liked it that way more and also lighter #sorry for continuing my tilin/juanaflippa/bobby triplets agenda that is basically useless at this point #okay i need to stop #qsmp #mcyt tag

[melit0n]

Part two of my FX Sleep Token post! Again, hope these make sense, and I'm not just spouting nonsense lol.

Part Two includes: Sundowning and This Place Will Become Your Tomb (below the cut, of course)

Part One -> One, Two, Jaws and The Way That You Were

Part Three -> Take Me Back To Eden

+ If I've missed something, feel free to add your own thoughts!

Note- some of these are FX, others are sound mixing and music bits I wanted to mention. Any song you don't see mentioned are songs that I couldn't find anything to pull out of them. Plus, reminder; these are my interpretations, I'm sorry if you can't hear what I hear, or you think something different.

The Night Does Not Belong To God

- At 2:48, an odd, muffled noise emerges. To me, it sounds like an excerpt of a crackled phone call; the type where whoever you're calling is far away, and both of you can barely hear what eachother are saying. It reappears, quietly, at 3:00, 3:12 and 3:55 (loudest and closest to actual words here). A fruitless confession the other will never hear. (I hope that makes sense).

The Offering

- At 3:40, a drum beat starts that sounds like a panicked heartbeat. With the build up of backing vocals, and white noise, it creates a very stressed atmosphere; makes you feel like you want to run. It's primal, almost.

Dark Signs

- Massive use of backing vocals in place of instruments (along with the usual synths and beats) in this one. Lots of general vocalisations and the lyric "I might break and bend to my basic need to be loved and close to somebody" in the background of the chorus. The build up of the backing vocals make the song slighty cluttered, in a good way, and gives off this impression of a bunch of different thoughts overlapping eachother; an uninterpretable inner monologue.

Give

- White noise that raises by two chords at the end of each lyric. It's subtle, but it makes the song feel more full. This is throughout the whole song, minus the chorus.

+ Would just like to mention Vessel's breathing at the end of Gods. Gods itself doesn't have any specific FX notes, but I felt like that alone needed a mention.

Drag Me Under

- Unironically, the opening chords sound like Undertale's Fallen Down

- My favourite thing about this whole song, other than how ethereal and soft it feels, is that the vocals steadily get louder, along with the instruments. Vessel's asking to be dragged under, and, as the listener, it can be interpreted two ways. The person Vessel is looking for is 'under', where you are as the listener, and he is steadily decending towards them until he gets cut off. So close, yet so far, y'know? Or, you are, as the listener, above Vessel. He's asking to descend, but, instead, he's acending towards the listener and away from what he wants. Away from love, and towards Sleep. Hope that makes sense.

+ I just wanted to mention the piano at 1:15 in Blood Sport. I had my friend listen to their albums, and her instant reaction to this part was "Sounds like stars twinkling and atoms colliding. Kind of like the start of Gustav Holst's Jupiter." and I thought that was pretty cool, so I thought I'd mention it.

---------

Album Notes: My favourite album by far. Sleep Token moves away from the minimal instruments and focuses more on more traditional metal aspects with their songs, allowing for the existence of Gods, The Offering and Higher (while also staying in tune with a 'softer' side, creating Drag Me Under, Take Aim and Shelter). The whole album has a sense of endless, almost unreachable longing to it. Almost feels religious, in some aspects. Again, with the five stages of grief, it's bargaining. Wishing for something you had, but you've lost.

Atlantic

- At 2:37, Vessel starts up with some vocalisations that sound like two whales replying to eachother. And then, of course, there's the actual, digital-sounding whale call sound that's used. Having had a bit of a look around, what they're mimicking is closest to a Sperm Whale's greeting chirp or a Blue Whale's typical mourning call, which, considering both are common in the Atlantic Ocean, fits wonderfully.

Like That

- All of the beginning beats are muffled. Also, if you turn your sound up and put headphones on, there's a continuous door knocking from 0:00-0:15. First lyric? "Trapped under the surface of your words". We listen to Vessel from under the surface Their words.

Descending

- Whole song has a muffled, water effect on it. Can especially he heard in the first 15 seconds. Deeper into the song you go, as the listener, the more the water effect can be heard. You, as the listener, are decending further; drowning.

High Water

- In the final breakdown, from 4:40-the end, there's muffled screaming, shouting and sobbing. It can be heard most in the last 20 seconds.

Fall For Me

- Lyrics from Distraction are mirrored in this one

E.g; "'Cause I'm broken into fractions" -> "Through a fractured existence"

---------

Album Notes: This whole album has a water like effect to it; so many instruments are muffled as if being played underwater and there are water motifs in general. It puts equal focus on more heavy songs, no trad metal this time though, in High Water, Hyponsis and Alkaline, while also, for the first time, allowing for soft piano and acoustic songs like Telomeres, Missing Limbs and Fall For Me. The album as a whole is tragically beautiful in its own sense, and full of yearning and longing. If we're still sticking with the five stages of grief thing, then we've finally hit depression, and it definitely feels like. I will admit this is the only album that gets tears and sobs outta me.

Thank you for reading through all my thoughts and feelings, whoever you are. Remember, the night belongs to you; worship <3.

#part two yippee #quite enjoyed going through TPWBYT #okay but like why is Telomeres so sad?? #and missing limbs #I don't listen to them all that much because I didn't like them at first but #I was sat there having a little sob to 'this is the start of something' with that massive breakdown #had me in my utter feelies there #sleep token #vessel #music analysis #st #sleep token vessel #sundowning #tpwbyt #mel's rambles

[skoulsons]

am i watching the winter embrace on repeat and staring at joels hand so gently on her cheek as she looks up at him in such an unbelieving manner because he shouldn’t be there because he’s half dead in that basement except he is there and he’s holding her and his touch is soft and comforting and protective and gentle and it brings her back to the present and helps her realize that she’s safe now because he’s here bur also that he is alive and here with her and she doesn’t have to worry about her worst fear coming true anymore because she can feel his hand on her cheek and his arms wrapped around her and hear the sound of his voice and see the alive look in his eyes? yeah.

#the way he just. #the way his hand just fits there. #she fights against him and he lowers them down and his right hand rests on her cheek and it’s just #it’s pieces to a puzzle #and she stares at him #never blinking #not once #and she can’t even speak because so much has happened #and she just hugs him and he finally gets to hold her #gets to hold her for all the missing times during the last few weeks he desperately wanted to #and she needs it. she initiates it #because it’s Joel and he’s her safe place and #despite never having hugged prior to this #she knows he’ll hold her. #and he does. fuck he does. #and she infuriates it and he holds her and smoothes her hair down and calls her baby girl and stands them both up and whispers reassurances #that he’s got her and that she’s okay now because he’s there and she’s with him #and they’re finally back together and alive #which is the most important thing. #please shut me up I have to stop it’s eating away at my bone marrow please. #the last of us hbo #joel miller #ellie williams

[disposal-blueeee]

doodles

edgar vargas and squee by johnen vasquez

scriabin by zarla-s

#vargas #edgar vargas #vargas zarla #scriabin vargas #zarla s #scriabin #doodles #YOU THOUGHT YOU'D SEEN THE LAST OF ME . . . . !!!! #well HELLO !!!! I'M BACK !!!!!!!! #i've been fine !! :333 #got a new brush . what do you think of it do you like it #okay i want to ramble about these wait a second #the first one looks a bit different to the rest because i was just trying new stuff . #if i spend a long time without drawing i'll forget how to draw and well it happened #i've changed my art style like 3 times now but i still draw side profiles the same . looks weird ugh #the mug says “ JESUS loves me BECAUSE no one else will ” btw . meta gave me the idea actually . thanks meta . #about the second one . finished that one like ten minutes ago . missed drawing todd aw #i just find their whole relationship so amusing . #like yes i went crazy for like a month and now i have a brother-husband and a kid ?! #they complement each other so well though . i love them #THE UNO ONE omg i've had that idea for like A YEAR NOW and i just drew it lol #i wonder how long it would take scriabin to notice though . #when i showed this to meta she said : “ oh wow !! edgar's finally winning at something !! ” and it's SO TRUE #wonder how he does it ! #and the last one . i got the idea when i was looking through zarla's account searching for fan art . #love it so much though they look like their lives aren't a living hell #anyways i'll probably make more of these . who knows #going back to school on monday . and of course i had to get inspiration four days before going back . #please PLEASE I DON'T WANT TO GET BACK TO SCHOOL . PL #okay byeee enjoy these . eat my starved followers . EAT !!!!!

[phoenix-flamed]

Me, fondly remembering my playthroughs of FFVII, VIII, IX, X, X-2, and XII: I don't need more blogs I don't need more blogs I don't need more blogs I do --

Though if I did RP as anyone, it'd hands-down be Beatrix from IX.

#Out of the Flames #I loved those games so much... including X-2 #don't look at my poster of Shuyin and Lenne on my wall #or my collection of X-2 wallscrolls from anime cons when I was younger #or my statue of X-2 Yuna #RANDOM VONNY FACTS: I WAS PLANNING TO COSPLAY AS LULU AND BEATRIX AT ONE POINT #AND I ALSO WANTED TO COSPLAY AS SORCERESS EDEA #AND MY PROM DRESS WAS CUSTOM MADE AND BASED ON GARNET'S CORONATION GOWN #AND I SANG 1000 WORDS FOR THE ANNUAL TALENT SHOW DURING MY JUNIOR YEAR OF HIGH SCHOOL #AND DURING MY FRESHMAN YEAR I SANG FOR THE FIRST TIME ON STAGE EVER AND IT WAS EYES ON ME FROM VIII #which is a weird contrast because Senior year I sang Think Of Me from Phantom of the Opera because go out with a bang BUT ANYWAY #VIII WAS THE FIRST FF GAME I OFFICIALLY PLAYED BUT MY SISTER AND MOM KNEW HOW MUCH I WANTED TO PLAY VII #SO FOR CHRISTMAS THEY GOT ME A PS2 AND THE FIRST KINGDOM HEARTS GAME AND A COPY OF VII #AND I WAS SO EXCITED AND EVEN MORE TOUCHED BECAUSE THEY HAD TO RUN OUT AND GET A PS1 MEMORY CARD FOR VII #AND THEY DID IT FOR ME... AND I WAS SO EXCITED #OH MY GOD I'M AKLSDGL AAAAAAAAAAAAA I COLLECTED STRATEGY GUIDES FOR ALL OF THE GAMES BECAUSE #I DIDN'T WANT TO MISS ANYTHING IN THE GAMES AND ALSO MORE IMPORTANTLY SO THAT I COULD READ THEM LIKE BOOKS AND #USE THE CHARACTER DESIGN SECTIONS AND THE SCREENSHOTS AND ALL OF THE ART WITHIN THEM TO PRACTICE ART #AND AKSLDJGLKFDGLKJDLGF OKAY I'LL STOP RAMBLING NOW BECAUSE HOLY SHIT SO MANY TAGS LOL

[malikselfindulgence]

Sorry for the uptick in system stuff Im lowkey struggling and need to see system positivity posts or I'll explode

#malik's rambles #okay i know my ass is gonna vent in tags rn so . tw for that !! #iwill never shut up i missed tumblr tags so much wow #itsnot their fault and like . like i dont want to blame them . but its so isolating being and living this way #ill always be grateful for them and I know its just my brain trying to cope and like !! its not their fault but this sucks so bad like wow #also doesnt help that besides how scared I am and how I just . wanna be normal . I feel like I sound insane to other people #it constantly feels like everyone is laughing at us and is just playing along with our “roleplay thing” because they dont wanna bother #and like !! im trying really really hard to be positive about it and just live as well as I can . all of us are !! but it makes me feel like #ridiculous . it feels like everyone'll laugh and think we're playing pretend. which shouldnt matter people will always be assholes !! #I dunno aough im rantingso hard rn . and masa2 wont share which is fine but imscared and worried and scared and aauahhggggggggg #ik the point of the disorder is to hide memories from me so i can function but like . man this suckss9 bad #okay enough of this . Imgonna watch monsters inc i love monsters inc

[radmista]

Sowing seeds of discontent and disharmony by hanging up on my parents birthday phone call the second my mom asked if I gained weight. Hope that sits badly on their minds while they think about how that's the first call I've engaged with them in 2 months and it was for the dogs birthday. Dad scrambling to text me for my mom that she didn't mean it. Like fuck I told her I've been having a rough month and day. She couldn't keep it to herself that badly. Fucks sake

#was already not in a great place mentally but i entertained the call and was actually feeling okay talking to them giving them an update #she just hits me with that. and I'm not normally sensitive about my weight even when my mom harped on me for gaining some a few years back #i genuinely normally don't care bc I'm happy with myself. but i know ive lost weight because I've been on icu and we don't have time to eat #im so fucking mad and im even more mad I'm crying about it #bc what the fuck #i was actually feeling like momentarily safe talking to them and being vulnerable about working on my next life stages #and she just ruined the call. i wanted to talk to my mom and dad more. i do miss talking to them about some things. #i was happy to get to see my family all together even if it was for the dogs birthday. and people were smiling and shit #and ik theyre gonna say i ruined it by being sensitive but jfc #it was literally the 2nd thing my mom said to me on the call after we sang happy birthday #why couldn't she just shut up. why couldn't she have said anything else. why did i let it bother me so much i hung up #I'm just fucking tired and sad and now feeling even lonlier than ever #i just wanted a nice moment with my family god fucking damn is that too hard to ask for #and im even more angry and sad now that i cant call them back bc my mom will get on me about smth else we were previously talking about #that phone call was supposed to be a neutral zone just for the birthday song. and i was going to ride it out but fucking hell #why didnt i just put up with it so i could have talked to my family #and no calling them back isnt an option. they haven't apologized and it would be an un neutral call #which gives them space to harass me about work and shit