#because I dont believe in bottling your bullshit up so I'm going to feel it pretty much constantly | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

raccoonhearteyes · 4 years

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Alright so I'm gonna try this long ass post again I guess maybe I'll break it up into two parts. It's pretty much relationship advice and its sorta similar to your relationship anons issues but not quiet fully to that extent? So anyway my gf and I have been together for about 5 years living together for about 3? It started out as an ldr and it was good and fun and I enjoyed going to visit her and she enjoyed visiting me and it was great. The texting was great. I realized about 5ish months ago I'm over her? The thing that'll make it insanely hard is that we work together. Not really in the same department but we essentially do work together. Same schedule and yeah. Theres still occasionally sex involved but its sooooo infrequent that I dont really have much of a sex drive anymore. So during our ldr most of our little arguements consisted of her getting upset over things and not really wanting to talk which I'm fine with but she never actually outright would say "hey I'm upset can you give me space?" It would just be her straight up ignoring me like no responses for days or anything I would literally have to force her to answer me by either sending her the same text a few times until I got some sort of simple 1 worded answer or in real life I'd go "is that okay babe?" 3 or 4 times until she said something. I'm a talker though if I have an issue I'll talk about it to someone or talk to the person I have the issue with. Recently I've been noticing shes kinda looks down on me and my issues? (Yeah I know I'm joining the club) like so recently I had a project I was working on at work and I could do it myself but a coworker wanted in on it because its something hes good at. I declined said thanks but I can handle it plus I'll finish it faster. He didnt like the answer and went to our boss and our boss put him on the project with me. I have a generally good work relationship with this guy so I was gonna talk to him but I talked to my gf about it first and she literally said "that's your problem you should learn to deal with it" like my plan was to talk to the dude first then go to our boss about it if it didnt really get resolved but okay. A lot of times when she gets upset at things she'll pick at something I do? Like if i put a water bottle on the kitchen counter she'll literally get upset that it's in her way. Also I cant stand doors being slammed shut from childhood trauma and she knows this and she'll purposely do it when shes mad at me but most of the time when shes mad st me its over me forgetting to put my water bottle in the fridge or something. 1/2

So anyway she'll get to the point where she straight up wont talk to me for days because she gets mad at me for whatever. Like today on the way home we were arguing over a former coworker who worked in my department like his office was literally right next to mine. She spoke to him maybe 5 or 6 times? He was a body builder but she kept saying he wasnt but he would always talk to me about it so I just kelt saying he was and to ask whoever she wants to if he was ir wasnt. She kinda just stopped talking to me after that and hasnt spoken to me the rest of the day? Because of a guy who left our place to go some where else? Like what? So before covid hit I was taking kick boxing classes and it kinda helped with my frustration of dealing with her in a sense but since I can't now I'm pretty much back to what we were doing? Like I cant talk to her about why this is bothering her so much because she literally wont talk to me? We really dont have many friends in common besides one or two of them and any time I talk to some about it they just tell me to talk to her. Like I've tried a lot but any time I do she just ignores me and shrugs me off. Or if I have another issue I've been trying to deal with I just get told I'm being annoying and I'm not listening to her or her suggestions when most of the time she never suggested anything and just immediately went to "you're being really annoying right now" but anytime shes dealing with shit I'm expected to be focused on her all the time? Like I constantly get interrupted when I'm trying to talk about something so she can talk about herself or so she can say "I cant believe so and so did this" and it's never relevant to what I was just talking about? Like I feel bad because she moved really far to live here and we have plans to move to another state but I'm not sure I want to with her and i cant really afford my own place and neither can she. But when shes finally over being mad she acts like nothing ever happened and if I'm still upset about it she tells.me to get over it and stop being so sensitive? I dont know I just know she moved far to be here and I helped her get the job she has and everything so idk 2/2

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Anyone who ghosts and stops talking to you for a few days because of a silly argument is not worth dating. It is one thing to be upset and need some time away from the person, but to spend days not talking and then never addressing it is bullshit. I have wasted time on those people and all it does is make you walk on eggshells trying not to piss them off, but you never succeed. They need to learn to communicate like an adult. Bottom line.

#rhe spam

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beefstrugglenoff · 4 years

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I'm going to be a bastard and hog some ask questions 1, 4, 9, 16, 17, 20, 29, 31, 44, 53, 67, 71, 88 Pls and thank u

u ah a fool if u think asking me too many quastions is a thing that is real and exists... >:- )

1. coffee mugs, teacups, wine glasses, water bottles, or soda cans?

Me mums been saying to me ever since i could understand words that a good teacup can really make whatevers in it hit differently and i think she’s right. close second is soda cans, which are much better than teacups for scrunching up and kicking around when the urge strikes.

4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you?

Lmao the running theme for me was if she could Just apply herself and not draw constantly and maybe pipe up and ask a question every now and then. wasn’t too rowdy just really reserved, and i think the teachers at the school i went to were pretty cool in that it was a small ass classroom and they cared abt u there. but chyea the usual Quiet brand autistique things.

9. favorite smell in the summer?

Ough probaly the way stuff smells after the first rain after dry season.. its just this swell of petrichor thats been stored in the earth for months, it’s overwhelming.

16. most comfortable position to sit in?

Criss cross apple source :- ) or sittin on my knees is comfy too for some reason. like. i got fat ass thighs.

17. most frequently worn pair of shoes?

An already worn in pair of steel toed brown docs i found. I feel for the person that must have been afflicted with growth spurt and had to give them up... i’m gonna be so sad when they fall apart one day.

20. preferred place to write (i.e., in a note book, on your laptop, sketchpad, post-it notes, etc.)?

Scribbling in any bare patches in notebooks! use to write up the lyrics of songs i loved at the time in the backs of my scqoolbooks, so i tend to find writting like that feels the most comfortable :-) i’ve always been stingy with using full pages for things too for some reason.

29. best way to bond with you?

AWWR omg i’ll tell u what.. i really like collaborating n working together with people on shit together, its a fun way to find out about a friend through making stuff together (plus i get to flex n show off LOL). big heart to hearts about shared experiences, hugs, complimence... theres a bunch of things that i never got to do as a kid like just fuken Hanging Out n talking abt anyfukenthing... its not something i get to do very often :’) so i really dont take it for granted when i get to <3

31. what outfit do you wear to kick ass and take names?

44. favourite scent for soap?

Theres this specific scent from a specific brand that my mum got the same day i got New Leaf, that in my mind is just the New Leaf smell now.. its like sandalwood and cocconut i think.. bougie

53. what is the current state of your hands?

What a good question omg.. they’re pretty cold! and the left one is pretty scratched up because it doesn’t escape my cats grip as quick rofl

67. good luck charms?

i’ve never really had anythings that i believed were specifically lucky, but pleanty of sentimental little nick knacks that you and my friends have sent me over the years... that butterfly wing necklace you gave me is probably the closest thing to a lucky charm i own.

71. least favorite pattern?

Learned helplessness. Unless this question means Visual Patterns... in which case it’s probably leopard print.

88. your greatest wish?

that black trans women in the future don’t have to go through as much monumental bullshit that they do. also the idea that things getting better doesn’t turn out to be some naive pipe dream and i’m wrong. i got lots of little ones but those are two biggies.

LOVE U BRO... i always love getting ur letters on here hehee

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nogooddeetz · 7 years

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Are you still doing the thing where people can request DEH fics? Because if so i feel like it would be cool to see the Murphy family's reactions the first time Connor painted his nails black and when he told them he was gay? I'm sorry, you dont have to do this, i just thought it would be sort of interesting. Thankss 😁

I sure am! and I’m happy to do it too, no need to apologize! x the more requests, the merrier! ~Connor cracked open a window. He had no idea this stuff smelled so intense.He didn’t know what he was thinking when he snatched Zoe’s black nail polish, he had just been bored and suddenly felt the need to do something about his looks. And let’s face it, this shit was pretty cool.After making a mess of his floor and his hands, with his tongue hanging out of his mouth the whole time he focused hard on the task, he was satisfied with the result.His nails were matte black and he loved it.How edgy is this? No guy at his school wore nail polish and instead of feeling embarrassed about being different, Connor felt empowered.He was the weird kid anyway, why not go all out?Connor stared at his hands, modeling them in front of his face to see the full effect of his art work. Yes. Definitely a good idea.Suddenly he heard pounding on his door.“Connor! Have you been in my room again? I told you to stop going through my stuff!” Zoe’s voice pierced through the door.Connor sighed and rolled the cap closed on nail polish bottle. Then he got up to open the door.“Sorry, I just borrowed this for a minute. All yours.” He said and handed Zoe the bottle.“You borrowed nail polish?” Zoe asked confused and then her eyes traveled down to Connor’s nails. “Oh my god, you painted your nails!” She squealed. Then she started laughing.“What? Guys can paint their nails too.” Connor defended himself, determined not to feel embarrassed about his fashion choice. Zoe laughed again.“Yeah, I know, it’s just… Connor your fingers are a mess!” She laughed at him. Connor rolled his eyes. “Well, it’s not like I’ve done this before, you’ve had a head start.” He mumbled.Zoe laughed. “I know. Come here.” She said and walked back into her room. Connor stood still and confused for a moment before following her to her room.Zoe handed him a bottle of nail polish remover and a q-tip.“Let me introduce you to my good friend, the q-tip. You’re supposed to clean off the excess so that it doesn’t look like you just dipped your fingers in the nail polish, you doofus.” She chuckled and pushed the bottle and q-tip in Connor’s hands. Connor looked at them and then back at Zoe.“Oh… Thanks, Zo.” He said, still taken aback by her kindness. He and Zoe didn’t hate each other, they just… Didn’t interact much unless it was to scream at each other for something the other did wrong.“Sure. I want the nail polish remover back though. If you’re gonna start painting your nails regularly, you’re gonna have to buy your own supplies. I’ve only got enough for one.” Zoe explained. “Fair enough.” Connor replied and walked back into his room to clean his nails up.

At the dinner table, Connor got to experience the other reaction to his new look.“What the hell is on your hands?” Connor was suddenly dragged out of his own thoughts by Larry’s voice.“It’s just nail polish. Chill.” Connor offhandedly replied. “You mean you did that on purpose?” Larry acquired.“Larry…” Cynthia said in a warning tone. That was Connor’s parents roles in the family: Larry flipped his shit over the smallest things and sweet Cynthia tried to calm his ass down.“Yeah. This don’t exactly happen on accident.” Connor sarcastically replied.“Why the hell would you do that?” Larry wouldn’t let the subject go.“Because I wanted to?” Connor replied, now very annoyed.“Connor, that’s stupid.” Larry said. “Nail polish is for women and queers.” He continued.“Dad, come on, it’s just nail polish.” Zoe chimed in too, which Connor was grateful for, but it was too late now.“Nail polish isn’t gender specific, nothing is really and even if it was, so what? Who is my nail painting hurting?” Connor replied and crossed his hands across his chest.“You as a man wearing nail polish gives people the wrong idea!” Larry argued.“And what’s that?” Connor asked.“That you’re a queer!” Larry raised his voice.“Larry, please, inside voice.” Cynthia tried to remind him.“So?” Connor challenged.“So!?” Larry repeated.“Yeah, so? Who cares?” Connor argued.“I do! I don’t want people thinking my son is a queer!” Larry said.“Why not? They’d have the right idea.” Connor replied. There. He’d said it.Cynthia and Zoe looked shocked. Larry was fuming.“Excuse me!?” He basically yelled.“You heard me.” Connor simply said.“Are you seriously telling me that-”“I’m gay. Yeah. Great solve, Sherlock.” Connor replied, knowing full well that his sarcasm would not be welcomed in this situation.Larry stared at his son and Connor could swear he saw smoke coming out of his ears. After a minute of silence, Larry stood up from the table.“No.” He said.“No?” Connor asked, not believing his ears.“No.” Larry repeated and walked out of the dining room, leaving his barely touched dinner on the table.The remaining Murphy’s sat quietly at the table. Connor couldn’t believe what had just happened. Ever since he came to understand his sexuality, he knew the day he’d come out would not be pretty. Connor himself didn’t have a sexuality crisis or any kind of a freak out over the matter. By the time he figured it out, it was like everything clicked into place. He accepted it. He was nervous for other people’s reactions, but since he’d already gotten the role of the weird kid with no friends, his worries faded away. Being gay was probably not the biggest reason people wanted nothing to do with him. But all Larry, his father, could say was ‘no’? This was ridiculous. Utter bullshit.“Connor.” His mother’s voice brought him back to the situation at hand. He turned to look at her without saying anything.“I will talk to your father. He just needs some time.” Cynthia said, looking at Connor with sympathetic eyes.“Oh yeah, I’m sure Larry will be thrilled in no time.” Connor said, his voice dripping with sarcasm.“Your father is not a bad man. I will talk to him and everything will go back to normal.” Cynthia promised.“Normal as in where I’m not gay? Cause I’m sorry to inform you mom, but you can’t pray the gay away.” Connor said.“Honey, I know that.” Cynthia assured him. “That’s not what I meant. I mean, it will all be okay.” She said.Connor was skeptical with the idea of Larry ever being okay with who Connor was, but he didn’t want to argue with his mother, who believed she could fix and cure everyone. He gave his mother a small smile.“Thanks mom.” He said.Cynthia smiled back and got up from her seat.“I love you, Connor.” She said, before walking out towards the same direction Larry had disappeared in.Connor sighed. What a fucking day.“Okay.” Zoe spoke up for the first time in a while and Connor turned to look at her.“Let’s go buy you some goddamn nail polish.” She continued.Connor laughed. Despite all her flaws and their disagreements, his sister could be pretty fucking great. ~I wrote this out really quick & I’m sorry it’s so short, I hope you like it anyway!~if you have any ideas for deh fics, send them my way & I’ll be happy to write them! my inbox is open! x

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randomthingsthatilike1 · 7 years

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Okay, but Eliza neglected Alex. Did she mean to? No. Was she trying to hurt her? No. Is that still child abuse? God yes. Alex could never be good enough, could never do anything right. Alex flat out said that Eliza blamed her for Kara not dating enough. What kind of bullshit is that?? I'm not saying that Eliza is a bad person, but she put way too much on Alex's shoulders at way too young an age. She neglected her and emotionally abused her, whether or not she meant to.

wait i dont even remember, when did eliza say something to alex about kara dating? and like. for all intents and purposes, kara was v much a special needs child and eliza is a single parent, and alex is her older sister--and i think this post describes it p well. This isn’t katherine grant, who’s just straight out mean to cat and won’t even give her a hug. this is a woman dealing with a kid who, if not handled correctly, could very easily kill them if she loses control of her powers--and we all know how cruel children and teenagers can be. Eliza can’t be everywhere, and she’s doing it all on her own--so yeah, she over relies on Alex because it’s not even just ‘your sister needs you to function’ it’s ‘your sister needs you to make sure she doesnt accidentally kill anyone.’ There’s been a lot of talk about kara having SPD, if u want it i can try and dig it up--that was from last season.

and i’m not a sibling to someone with special needs, i can’t talk about that experience but i’ve definitely heard stories from people i know about being given a lot more responsibilities and dedicating a lot more of their time to helping their siblings than maybe joining that extracurricular or going abroad or going to a school even 10 minutes further away

and yeah, eliza talks about being less harsh on kara, because really kara just lost everyone, and then was dumped on the danvers really by her only remaining relative. eliza says it like she’s a girl from another planet who just lost everything--who can also very easily leave and never come back if she wanted, or felt like she was trapped.

and instantly when finding out that this is how alex feels she apologizes, adjusting her behavior once she found out how alex was feeling, and we see that not just in the thanksgiving episode but when alex and j’onn visit midvale and in the next thanksgiving episode. and alex not doing anything right part--alex could do something right. eliza told winn how proud she was of alex for working in the same field as her

and also like. we all know just how much alex bottles up her feelings. the fact that eliza doesnt question alex’s feelings or make her second guess anything and yes changes both her behavior towards both alex and kara makes me think that this is a pretty new conversation topic, at least since jeremiah died. because anyone who’s an older sibling will say, it’s an adjustment to having a younger sibling, especially one who’s an alien refugee. And Clark literally just dropped kara off on their doorstep, it’s not like they had much time to prepare.

that’s not saying eliza didn’t make mistakes. but one child needed help with everything and eliza was just one person, and also grieving for her husband and constantly looking over her shoulder to see when the next person in a suit would show up, because the only reason why they left kara alone was because jeremiah was working for them--and he’s not anymore. this isn’t a simple case of ‘oh i have 2 children and one of them i like better’

also there has been some research into what siblings of children with special needs experience that are almost universal, and a documentary filmmaker named Rachel Feighter interviewed a bunch of siblings in a documentary “Not Typical” some common experiences she found were

“Feeling like they need to be perfect. Siblings of individuals with special needs know how hard their parents work to ensure all of their sibling’s needs are met, and often see their parents struggle to meet these needs. Many feel like they can’t make mistakes because that would add to their parents’ burden, so they believe they must be perfect at all times. This is an impossible standard to meet, and can lead to stress and feelings of inadequacy. One girl said she felt like she “had to be Ms. Perfect and not have any problems for [her] parents to deal with.” Another said that she felt as though she could never be “enough.”

Feeling like they can’t express their feelings. Most typically developing children love their sibling with special needs. Yet they may also resent how much of their parents’ time is taken up by caring for their sibling or feel embarrassed about their sibling’s behavior. One girl said she “was never allowed to mourn openly or to be mad or sad about [her] brother” and another said her friends thought she was being mean if she said anything bad about her sister, even though friends with typically developing siblings often complain.

Having a different idea of family and home. For most children the concept of family is based in togetherness. But when a sibling has special needs, family quality time may look different. One girl recalled that her mother was “assigned” to her sister with special needs and her father was “assigned” to her. The family often spent time apart, especially when it involved leaving the house.

Feeling as though their problems are minimized. Sometimes a sibling with special needs has complex and even life-threatening problems. An issue faced by a typically developing sibling, whether it is a problem with a friend or an academic struggle, may seem small compared to having limited mobility, learning difficulties or sensory issues that require intensive care or prevent a child from attending the neighborhood school. One girl said her parents rarely dealt with her problems, instead telling her to be “strong.”

Feeling isolated. Typically developing siblings may be lonely because they don’t have peers who have siblings with special needs. So they feel different when their friends ask “what’s wrong with your sister?” Some children also feel self-conscious about their sibling with special needs, and aren’t sure when or how to tell their friends about him.

Dealing with intolerance early and often. Children learn early that there is not universal acceptance for individuals with special needs, and that their sibling is not welcome everywhere that typically developing children are. This can be deeply disappointing to typically developing children who want to have shared experiences with their sibling. They regularly encounter individuals who refuse to move from seats designated for individuals with disabilities, and those who make unkind comments about other accommodations their sister needs. These early lessons in intolerance, and even hate, can affect their world view and make them cynical or resentful of the limitations placed on their sibling and themselves as a result.

Feeling like they are asked to help too much. Some typically developing children are expected to help care for their sibling with special needs from a young age, even if that sibling is older. One girl said that she felt like the “attention police” at home since her mother was constantly telling her that she had to pay attention to her sibling with special needs. Many are told early on that they will be expected to care for their sibling when their parents are no longer able to do so. This puts enormous pressure on them.

Feeling like they must grow up quickly. Because of the sum of their experiences, from feeling as though they are on their own to handle their problems to feeling pressure to be perfect to being given responsibility for their brother or sister, some siblings of children with special needs feel as though they are forced to grow up too quickly.”

Most typically developing children love their siblings with special needs beyond measure and are close to them. But to better understand and support them, it’s important to acknowledge their struggles. There is a need for more information about the experience of growing up with a sibling with special needs. While there are a few places the stories of these siblings are told, such as the fictional book “Wonder” by R.J. Palacio, hearing from the siblings themselves in “Not Typical” will help many feel less alone and better understood.

i know that was long, but tell me--does that sound like alex danvers to you? These are not quite universal experiences but apparently pretty damn common. And this is all as a newly single mother, taking care of a deeply traumatized alien. Considering how quickly Eliza changed her behavior once she found out how Alex truly felt, I genuinely think that Eliza didn’t realize how hurt Alex was feeling.

#supergirl #eliza danvers #alex danvers #kara danvers #danvers squarred #dianaprinceofthemyscira

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salva-yourlife · 7 years

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So this is probably the last time Ill here you tell me to go away, dont come over, I cant, idk, or your shitty apologies of idk because the alcohol mixes me up in your feelings and releases certain things you try shutting off but they come out and you cant help Im learning to just shut the fuck up Today I woke up with no feelings, I woke up nothing I didnt look at my phone hoping you called I didnt care that I slept alone I didnt shower I didnt dress myself with matching colors I didnt bother to put on cologne I didnt bother to do my school work I am not bothering to pay attention in classes I do not care if people try waving at me I do not care if they want to talk to me I just look at them with my eyes of lostness I show them nothing They ask me whats wrong and i simply say nothing I am becoming lifeless I do not care not about you or myself and this is the only way to help you forget about me so you dont struggle to love one person I hope I dont come across your thoughts and have you worry about me because if you care about me I will only keep digging myself deeper, dont text me saying im pathetic because I wont know if you are lying or telling the truth I wont listen to the rumors about how you are happy and that he is with you because I wont believe it I wont bother to wish you happy birthday because youll know I still care, instead ill light a letter on fire that I wrote for you but never gave to you I wont wake up on the 24th of every month because that was the day you promised you would not leave and you proved me right again that everyone leaves no matter how much one says they care I still dont believe you when you said youll be there for me when ever I want to talk because you rather be with him I dont want to think about you this weekend because ill show up at your small town and at your parents door step I hope your parents realize how happy you are and let it be I hope my parents stop asking about you and stop blaming you for ruining me I really just wish they stopped bringing up your name at the dinner table because I wont eat I just wish you never bullshitted the reason for leaving me and texted him the next day you say you cant talk to me because you are leading me on but you would keep bringing up the what ifs, if we ever got back together You are the one that admitted to missing me after you had blocked my number You are the one that kept me at your home that night and wanted me to hold you till you fell asleep I am the one that didnt sleep because I knew you would wake up feeling wrong for loving me again when your mouth tells him the same words You messaged me and said sorry but I corrected you to tell me thank you You called inviting me to breakfast and of course my mind wasnt thinking and said I would You see where this is going? No where, so leave the thought of “us” alone because I know I cannot forget it So dont try finding me because that guy who loved you is lost in the notes he wrote to you and in the bottles you keep finishing and in every menthal you burn out after he stress you out and throw at the ground I have to imprint it in my head that the only reason you come around to me is because I'm convenience for you That I will go around the world for you and you know that

This is different verso. 7

#writings #long day #longer reads #no love #hear break

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bloopbyoop · 3 years

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Hewwwooooo. This is a scheduled post and I'm assuming that I'm 24 now but hey! I would like to thank this website for being there for me to freely open up to my bottled up emotions for years that I presumed to be were too sad-ish to share to anyone as I didn't want anyone to feel sad or anything similar. I just want everyone to be happy and think that I am always happy as well. Never thinking of something sad. It's pretty saddening how some people are going through the same thing that I do. And it sucks how they think that no one's gonna be there for them or no one understands. Sure, it can be true, but you know what???? Despite thinking like that???? Look, man! You are there! You! Yes, you, you, silly dude! Yourself! Aww geez. Just keep going forward no matter how sucky it is. You got this. So yeah....... im making myself a promise that on December 30 or 31 (idk tbh i didnt check the calender. idk if 2020's december has like either 30 or 31. i didnt check. Sorry) i will tell how much i have grown as a person throughout the year/s. i scheduled a message, an email, and another email to myself with a rough draft of how i got through the days, weeks, months, years (ooohhh fancyyyy. a lot of words). I WANT PEOPLE TO GET THROUGH THEIR LIFE. AGAINNNN!!! HOW MUCH I HAVE GROWNNNNNN AS A PERSONNN!!! SO DUDEEEEEE!!!! YOU BETTER BE ALIVEEEEEEEE!!!! YOU GOT THESE COOL FRIENDS OF YOURS!!!! (?) YOU GOT A GOOD FAMILY!!!!! (?) YOU GOT GOOD THINGS!!!!! (?). YOU GOT A LOT TO BE THAKFUL FOR (?) YOU BETTER BE ALIVEEEEEE (?). these are so fucking annoying to hear but i like to pretend that they are not fucking annoying at all because that what you fuckers want me to think so yeah!!! I BELIEVE THAT BULLSHIT. IM BUYING THAT SHIT. i really hope im alive tho for my family. i really deeply care about them. it would really suck to not be able to be physically here to read this like u know.... hahahaha anyways, it would be embarassing to have this post here and like not be able to update you guys (me) about me in dec 2020. hehe. like wait. thats it????? i didnt even reach 25? what a pussy. DONT BE A PUSSY ADRIANNE. FINISH YOUR PROMISE AT BEING ALIVE UNTIL 30 YEARS OLD. But im sure everything will work out right? Right? Yeah. Hope so.

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winds--of--change · 7 years

Conversation

No.491

It's WED 19/04/2017 at 1057 PM

Me: hey, do you know why some people are even afraid of getting happiness?

Markus: Nope, why?

Me: people like Sunny, for example, who I am sure she could be happy as fuck, but as she said, she doesn't want to find a nice guy because she would feel boring and she would soon fuck it up but deep down i'm sure she wants a nice guy, like her

Markus: I don't remember her saying that, but sounds like she's afraid that she can't find one and says that as reassurance for herself

Me: sorry for randomness, i'm drinking alone and bit drunk lol thats why i can text so randomly to people like this

usually i just write it on my blog and feel better after that

i guess no one ever, including me wants to be alone

Markus: No worries

Me: i dont think i want to be alone like i thought i can

weird i thought i can always be by myself before man i want to cry i thought i just want to be happy to

Markus: Yeah, I know what you mean, I don't want to be alone, but I won't be with someone just because I don't want to be alone

Me: but somehow i just chose things that arent happy for me

exactly! thats why im always alone because id rather be alone than being with someone i cant even stand just because i dont want to be alone but somehow sometimes thats still so hard lol

maybe sometimes we actually never know what we want

but only know what we dont want. i dont know anymore

i just want to cry. and i did lol im crying, i dont even know why i cry

Markus: Yeah probably, the search for happiness is hard, but if it just came as soon as we wanted it, would you really be happy, or just content

Me: no actually i know i am prob a bit like sunny, i dont want to be happy because im afraid i would fuck it up so i'd rather choose something unhappy and so at least in the end, there wouldbe no devastating disapointment if nothing good comes out of it because after all i'm not afraid to lose it

Markus: I don't know, I don't think that anyone does that on purpose

Me: I know. i dont do that on purpose. somehow it just happens. i dont know what i saying or thinking anymore lol

Markus: I think it's a subliminal thing we do to not have to experience loss, because you can't lose what you never had, but you still want something so you are sad about that instead

Better to just search from the beginning then and face the pain when it arrives

Me: why am i crying? isnt it because it's really unhappy, then why cant i stop the unhappy thing? why i still do it. maybe it also all comes down to the fact that sometimes somehow we do not love ourselves enough to think we deserve happiness.

i dont know what i did wrong anymore. i just want to be with him, then after being with him, i went home, being alone like this, and cry. then what do i really want, a happiness with him, but im not even thinking about the possibility of this

and i know i should stop, but i just continue on, i want to touch him, but after doing so, i actually felt empty more

Markus: Then maybe you are sad because you know you will never be and are trying to make sense out of it while sometimes there is no sense

Me: i dont think i love him that much, but at the same time, i dont know what this is, maybe its just because he's my first and i felt attracted to him physically, even though physcally i don't think we match

Markus: It's hard to face life sometimes, especially when you like someone, but sometimes you just have to say fuck it, it's life

Me: maybe im just alone for so long i need something to spice it up i know i just need to fuck it and go with the flow

Markus: Yeah I know what you mean, it's hard being alone 😞

Me: but i dont know how i can just forget things, i am alone all the time but now somehow i cant be alone that easy any longer, and that scares me, because how can i face things ahead if i cant be alone that easy anymore, i used to be so numb, as im alone all the time, so it doesnt feel anything, but then i got to have chance to be with someone with friends i really love, and after that suddenly comparing to loneliness before, its a complete difference and i prefer being with someone like those people i was lucky to meet and be with, but in life its not easy to keep meeting those kind of people

and besides, i know that even though i can find a group of people who can accomodate me, i will somehow fuck it up, maybe im not just that good at socializing, or knowing how to be with someone, the fact that i drank alone, crying and ranting all bullshit like this lol after meeting him, is obviously to show that i shoulnd't be with him, but at the same time i chose to be with him because i dont believe in love i dont believe in romance i dont believe in forever happiness either, i dont believe in anything but myself, thats why i chose this experience so that i can get out of the traditional girl self who dreams of a happy ending, or a true love and blah blah blah shits, sorry why the hell did i msg you all this, lol i just want to live so that i could die, life is so long, too long we just have to keep thinking, no man, i should fucking get a job lol im kinda at liminal stage in-between thing, after graduation, before job thing, middle of nowhere, not quite here, not even there, and afraid to moving there because i dont know what is good for me 😭 man fuck me lol i should just........ sorry i dont even know why i text all this, actually the only one i can think of to talk to is sunny then im afraid i give her a burden again, so i ended up finding someone else which is you to rant on. i dont like myself who cant deal with my own shits alone, i forget how to deal with shits alone all by myself and thats so annoying lol its so annoying to be dependable on people, thanks for taking this lol good night ❤

Markus: It's OK, I was just making my dinner, yeah I understand what you mean, I also have a lot of problem finding people I can trust, especially people I can open up to, but I think that it's important not to give up, otherwise you don't know what you are missing!

And the job thing isn't easy either, I was lucky, I just happened to choose the education that would benefit me the most, but I have no idea what I want to do with my life, I think it all comes down to you live you learn

Me: you are lucky yoooooo!!!! and im sure you deserve being lucky because you will make the best of it, many take things for granted and dont do best they could but you will. i will be fine. thank you Markus 🙂 i will be fine. everything works out in the end. always. and you are a good cook! i wanna eat your cake again XD thanks to you i will defo come visit sweden one day! not like i think of anything to visit there lol except for...erm...abba museum or something? lol but yeah now i have you there i believe i could explore sweden as local

haha

Markus: Haha thank you I think you will be fine too 🙂 there are many things to do! If it's the summer you can do all kinds of things!

Me: yea i'm going home for a while anyway. i will bring back some vietnamese coffee for you!!! you must have some, i insist lol

Markus: Sounds great! I love coffee 🙂 At least good coffee 😛

Me: vietnamese coffeee is the bessttttt, approved by french ie victor and canadian ie sunny and. me lol and ..all over the world lol

Markus: Haha looking forward to it 🙂

Me: and, you hav to 'like' my new profile pic XP lmao

Markus: Lol, how drunk are you?

Me: i dont know lol i knocked the whole bottle so far lol

but i think i'm still at happy drunk, ok no i'm crying while laughing lol but well it's still good drunk lmao

Markus: Haha lol, just be careful so you don't fall over and hurt yourself 😛

Me: nah im just at home drinking and writing ill be fine lol

but seriously you MUST like my new profile picccc!!!!

please, boost my ego and let my vanity go viral for a little bit haha i'm counting on your like lmao 😜

Markus: OK, I'm going to sleep, nighty night 🙂

Me: lmao hai thanks for listening good night

Markus: No worries

#491st

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