winds--of--change

[winds--of--change]

No.629

Đôi khi đi hết nửa đường có khi nhận ra lạc lối quá vì ảnh hưởng xung quanh, để rồi mất thời gian tìm lại mục đích vốn đặt ra ban đầu.

Và đôi lúc mục tiêu thực ra rất là rõ ràng, đơn giản một đường thẳng là đến, lại đi lòng và lòng vòng cơ bản cũng chỉ vì nghĩ có thể đi đường tắt :))))) chỉ để nhận ra đường đến đích giờ dài hơn mà thời gian thì ngắn hơn.

Nửa đầu tuổi 32 đạt mục đích 1) lá thư thành thật về cuộc đời mình với bạn bè thân, 2) du lịch: tham gia tổ chức sự kiện HHDLTG đi Sơn La, Tràng An-Bái Đính của Ninh Bình, Phú Thọ, Tam Đảo của Vĩnh Phú, ngoài ra cá nhân đi Buôn Mê Thuột, Bạc Liêu, Vũng Tàu; ở Sài Gòn rồi ra Hà Nội, 3) nghỉ việc mà không sờ đến khoản tiết kiệm vẫn sống vẫn đi du lịch :))))) và nhận được Tokyo job offer.

Nửa cuối tuổi 32 đạt mục đích 1) sang Tokyo, 2) một mình tạo lập cuộc sống mới, ổn định mọi thứ ở Nhật, 3) bù lại vốn đã bỏ ra để gây dựng cơ đồ tự lập tại một xã hội/đất nước/thế giới mới, ổn định tài chính với chút dư dả ban đầu, 4) đọc xong 2 quyển sách tiếng Anh là "Man from Mars, Woman from Venus" và "Talking to My Daughter about the Economy" của Yanis Varoufakis (sách giáo khoa trước mấu giáo cho con mình sau này :))))) một quyển rất dễ hiểu về cơ bản kinh tế là gì) và 5) vẫn giữ công ăn việc làm để ổn định tài chính dù làm từ ngày đầu tiên đã muốn nghỉ :))))))

Sang tuổi 33, mục tiêu nhẹ nhàng thôi. Nửa đầu tuổi 33 thì là 1) gia hạn hợp đồng (sắp rồi, ngày quyết định định mệnh là 19 tháng 8), 2) gia hạn thị thực tháng 11-12 này và có thị thực hiệu lực đến 2025-2026, 3) tiết kiệm được ít nhất 1M yên năm nay và 4) đọc xong quyển "Built to Last".

Đương nhiên có rất nhiều, rất nhiều thứ phải làm phải tích vào danh sách cần xong, từ cả việc khám sức khỏe đến chăm lo vấn đề tinh thần cố hữu lâu đời của bản thân, rồi gặp người này người nọ vì cá nhân nói riêng cộng thêm giúp ích cho công việc nói chung, nghĩ đến đã thấy danh sách cần làm dài ra gấp 3-4 lần :)))))

Nên chỉ cần nhớ rằng, cái này cái kia làm được hay không, MIỄN LÀ ĐẠT ĐƯỢC ĐÚNG 4 CÁI KIA THÌ COI NHƯ NĂM NAY XUẤT SẮC RỒI :") vượt KPI thì hoành tá tráng, nhưng không thì chỉ cần ĐẠT ĐỦ LÀ ĐƯỢC.

Nửa sau tuổi 33 là sang năm mới, 2024, nên để cuối năm hẵng tính tiếp :))))

Thế nhé. Từng bước một.

Già rồi, chậm cũng được, đời còn quá dài (mà sức thì yếu đi :))))) đến nỗi chạy đua quá nhanh thì hộc hơi có mà lê lết nốt con đường còn lại, nếu vậy thay vì chạy đứt hơi cứ... đi bộ đều đặn (thậm chí không cần đi bộ nhanh hay chạy bộ :))))) chỉ đi bộ thôi).

Cũng chỉ 5 tháng nữa là hết năm rồi...

#629th

[winds--of--change]

No.623

Dear Bloggie,

I am writing to you from Tokyo, Japan.

Yes. You heard it right. I am in Tokyo, Japan right now :”)

It is amazing how things have become. 

I mentioned to you the power of letting go right? It is what has happened.

And with all the life lessons I have accumulated, I understand very well the future is unpredictable and life shall never be in order even if you want to control things.

If there is any life advice I could tell you, all I could say is that, be OPEN. The unknowns are your opportunities. Don’t be afraid of not knowing or being unsure of what to come.

Be GRATEFUL. Whatever has happened, blaming and self-victim only make it worse. Instead, stay calm and take it easy and slow. Never take things too personally (why so serious yo!?! XD)

We meet all kinds of people in this world, some bad people cannot be avoided to help us learn something about us, about others, about who we truly appreciate, and about Life. Same goes for bad things happening to you. As long as you have your anchors, you know who are your friends, you will be fine :”)

I honestly don’t know what is ahead from now. Enjoying today, the present is the key.

Breath in the air. 

Just like the quote in your favorite mug,

“Don’t be afraid of big waves.

Calm as the ocean.”

YOU ARE GONNA BE FINE :”) 

#623rd

[winds--of--change]

No.609

The conversation with Nam - a colleague, the other day at the office, resonates vividly right now.

He said there’s no way he can change who he is, he is who he has been brought up by parents and their language, his surroundings, his environment.

He reminded me of myself so much, saying he doesn’t want to have kids as he doesn’t want another ‘him’ in this world, that he is who his parents has made him to be, he can’t change, that it’s impossible to get away from yourself because you are just who you are.

...

Maybe, Michel Foucault is so obsessed with getting away from who his parents equipped him to be that he developed the whole concept of ‘techniques of the self’ and went crazy about it.

Like, all greatest social theorist probably become crazy about one subject simply because of the fact that their life has centralized around it.

Similarly, isn’t Adlerian psychology, the so-called individual psychology, in existence due to the fact that he is working on himself to cure his own fears, traumas and way of life. So it’s like self-therapy for social theorists to...develop their theories on something =))))))

Self-knowledge, individualization, they are all playing around with the mind right? To the point it’s so exhausting just to think and keep sane. Consequently, we all need anchors, what/where/whom can you always go back/come back/be anchored back whenever you get tired of exploring the world of possibilities (yup absolutely full of possibilities) around? 

Indeed, we could be ANYTHING once we set the mind onto it. Then what’s next? Setting the mind onto the next anything, then next and next. But maybe there’s always something anchoring us so that all the next, when connecting the dots, are actually all about that very thing that anchors us.

We could be ANYONE once we set the mind onto it. But maybe there’s always someone anchoring us to keep us who we always are (which is obviously true anyway because you can never get away from your family so the way you act when around them is never ever gone, which is good and bad depending on your upbringings).

Supposedly though, to be that anyone for good, does it mean we really have to never go back to where we used to be for good, because, if not, how does it gonna work? Or like what has happened in this post-modern world, the construction of multiple identities and representation is shifting depending on who/where/what you are surrounded with.

I am tired =)))) That’s the bottom line I’ve been trying to convey.

I am tired of going back and forth and still not yet transiting for good.

Then again, Foucault is right. Because it’s all about the process, not the result, there's never a result (until we die). 

It’s all about identification, subjectification and individualization which have to be kept going on if you can. It’s easy to say ‘set the mind onto it’, actually, to be precise, it has to be ‘set the mind constantly and consistently onto it’! 

The tricky part is consistency.

How can you love someone consistently despite all long distance, quarrels, even being rejected not induced to continue loving at all?

How can you be someone consistently despite your family surroundings or things that get you back to who you used to be (community, people around, the room you live, the place you reside, etc.)?

How can..... I stay here for the sake of consistency despite getting bored and being so frustrated? =)))))))))))) 

It’s already near the end of February. February you know! There are only 5 months left and my next-step plan is still basically blank.

I’m stuck :”)

#609th

[winds--of--change]

No.601

Okay! Focus.

There are only 2 months left for 2021.

And all I need to finish is:

-Agile Samurai Book

-Work Rules! Laszlo Bock’s Book on Google

... and that’s... IT!

So it’s DOABLE yeah. Super doable.

Okay.

I can do it, while doing my job (which I was supposed to do right now, but failed and went blogging here instead lol)  Anne-Wil and I recently talked about patience and perseverance and I mentioned the marshmallow experiment to her to prove my point about how I must have failed such experiment as a kid, which in turn led to my growing up being NOT perseverant in anything I touch and do.

So when I was in high schools, I draw manga stuffs and joined this manga club, I think I was good at drawing. 

Then I got hooked into handcrafting stuffs, interior decorating, then fashion, and when I was in America for the cultural exchange year then took SAT and TOEFL IBT then applied for uni/colleges, I got an offer from IADT (International Academy of Design and Technology) in Florida for Fashion major. 

But yeah I left for England, when I took 2-year A-level first and what did I study? Maths, Arts, Law, Accounting. All over the place. Then I got an offer from Central Saints Martin for Foundation Course in Art.

But yeah I chose Goldsmiths, and what did I study? Illustration, Web Designer, Script & Prose Writing, Film Production, then I majored in Animation for my third year.

Also I learnt piano since I can’t remember, I also wrote some stories and even sent them for competitions. I learnt guitar back when I was in Goldsmiths also. Oh and of course blogging and starting this blog lol 

But yeah I went for Japan afterwards and what was I interested in? English, hiking, learning Japanese, traveling, mountain-climbing, skiing, soba-making, pottery-making, singing/karaoke, painting.

Hmm what am I still consistent with up to this very day? 

-Well piano, I can still play (I think lol) 

-I passed JLPT exam and got N2 certificate for Japanese proficiency last January.

-I work in an English-speaking company and my line manager is a French/Cambodian guy so I basically only use English with him. So I am still consistent with... English? =..=

And that’s pretty much all... Oh I’m not using Japanese much as I’m no longer in Japan so maybe I’m not entirely consistent with it.

And I also don’t play piano these days due to lockdowns..., which means it’s pretty much left with nothing consistent =..=  

Anne-Wil got it even crazier lol she did street dance, piano, ballet, singing, guitar, gymnastic and so on, all were within a year or less. Then she studied Japanese, then she’s back and forth between Japan and Netherlands, then she changed jobs, switch jobs, was in Tokyo, then Nagoya, now in Nagoya. Then she even got to work on some sort of business certificates, but then she quit and went for counseling training instead, then she got the counseling certificate, but then I haven’t heard her talking about this passion anymore since she’s got her first baby.

Now she’s consistent with Japanese (as she’s living in Japan and her husband is Japanese) and dedicated to teach her baby to be mindful of picking up things and sticking to them till the very end, just like the Japanese and their 頑張る culture.

At least she has her baby boy and a family to be consistent with now :”)

Meanwhile, I have nothing =)))))))))))))))

So yeah, all I need to do now is to just finish those two books and keep the job. 

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLU70DxmMjOmrCxMly5dEItT9aDuu4_-ms

#601st

[winds--of--change]

No.597

Dear Love,

I have been reading some old blogs, up until the story of my drowning accident and how unstable I was one week after that.

I have come back to think of writing something because I realized how certain things happen could be just a blessing in disguise instead of tough luck. For example, I felt absolutely shocked when the sales manager told me that she ended my probation earlier as she saw no prospect of me in the team anymore. Imagine it was just a month right after I moved to a new city, paying for all my living and so on and I got cut off like that because of some work drama, some bad work politics... 

HOWEVER! I got a new job position once finally letting go of that sales one! As the matter of fact, the new job is WAY better because my salary even got raised! And I no longer have to worry about KPI/sales commission to have enough money to support my independence. And man the salary is much BETTER while the job is more chilled lol I worked my ass off in the previous position with such a fucking basic/average salary because everything is about commissions. Now I have a decent salary and look forward to the bonuses, especially when it’s a product-led business 🤓

So the point I want to make here is: it never is what it seems/looks/sounds! And indeed, things are just getting better and BETTER I assure you. Sometimes at the time of being in the most dire circumstances, you won’t see the light nor think you are lucky this has happened. But YOU ARE REALLY LUCKY IT HAS HAPPENED! 

Believe me, disguised in such bad luck is the real blessing. 

Always remember, THINGS ARE JUST GETTING BETTER AND BETTER.

So when something is lost or you thought it’s terrible, it means that you could definitely expect something really GOOD coming out of it 😝 and Life is becoming just better and better afterwards 💕

Have Faith 🥳🫐🥝🥐🥨🥓🧇🥞🍔🫓🥪🥙🧆🥘🫕🍝🍣🍱🥫

(P/S: those food icons are just some superfluous additions lol I can’t help it... the MacBook Touch Bar is so fun 🤩)

#597th

[winds--of--change]

No.593

July 17, 2012

There is only one soul.

When a child is born into a physical being, the spirit entering the body is the one matching the child’s being the most. 

The child grows up then dies, releasing the spirit again into the cosmo. Such soul either wanders around, or goes finding another suitable physical being to enter. 

That is why horoscope and zodiac shows everything about resemblances of one birth, one year, as the soul inside one is always the same.

#593rd

[winds--of--change]

Erdal Enci, who clones multiple recordings of himself moving through public spaces resulting in these bizarre looping performances.

[winds--of--change]

We're always seeking the next promotion, the next opportunity, the next chance for something big. If you talk to a cabdriver in Manhattan, you're more likely to find that he's going to school to get a better job than he plans to drive a cab the rest of his life. If you meet a waitress in Southern California, she's likely to tell you that she has an audition for a movie next week. The cabdriver might never get out of his cab and the waitress might be performing a recitation of daily specials for the next twenty years, but the sense that they're moving toward something more glamorous is very much on Code. On the other hand, those who fail to act, who accept the limitations of their work with barely a grumble, are likely to feel miserable about their lives. The hopelessness of their jobs has done critical damage to their identities.

The Culture Code: An Ingenious Way to Understand Why People Around the World Live and Buy as They Do

[winds--of--change]

I believe that love that's true and real creates a respite from death. All cowardice comes from not loving or not loving well which is the same thing and when the man who is brave and true looks death squarely in the face like some rhino hunters I know or Belmonte who is truly brave, it is because they love with sufficient passion to push death out of their minds till it returns as it does to all men and then you must make really good love again. Think about it.

Midnight in Paris

#Untitled

[winds--of--change]

No.584

I strolled around looking at all my Instagram posts again, I realized I have made lots of wonderful experiences out there even if at the time they happened, I might have felt scared or embarrased as f*ck.

I started this post, but then failed to write anything further. And I recalled something I always liked from ‘Stuck in Love’ - one of my favorite movies. I can’t remember exactly the wording, so I ended up distracting myself away finding the movie script. 

I finally found the part I was talking about.

-You know Flannery O'Connor? -I know Flannery O'Connor. -She said nothing needed to happen in a writer's life after they were 20. By then, they had experienced more than enough to last their creative life.  -So what's your point? -My point is...[...] Rusty... I don't think you're experiencing enough. I mean, the reason that you're comfortable leaving your goddamn journal on my desk is because there's nothing you're trying to hide from me in your life. And that really worries me, you know? Sweet, sensitive guys like you, they spend their entire high school years frozen in place while... everybody is running around going to parties and getting laid, doing whatever. I don't want you to look back years from now and think about this girl. Is it Kate? 

-Yeah.

[...]

-Rusty, a writer is the sum of their experiences. Go get some.

I guess I wanna leave it here to remind me one more time. Though I’m not sure what I am trying to remind myself about lol

Like, I can’t write about all what I’ve experienced so far (or more like, I have written them all in my diaries but not cohesively as in a full story). 

I don’t think I produce any good writing these days. Don’t even know if I can really write something at all...

I feel like I’m still just in relapse. 

(sigh)

#584th

[winds--of--change]

No.583

He was quite young, probably twenty-something, gentle-looking and quite handsome. I only had a brief look at him while hanging around at the top of the mountain, watching professional paragliders took off, seeing them floating in the sky. The sunshines were so bright. Time after time, the breezes swept through me with a touch for freshness and coolness. I have alwasy loved how the wind fondles me. I could just sit silent watching the panorama in front of me, the breathtaking view of mountains and greenish fields below me, eyewitnessing such beauty while inhaling the freshness.

It was a crowded day. Apparently, lots of guests have booked the paragliding service so the professional paragliders were quite busy taking these guests off to the sky with them. It also seems that the weather of the day turned out to be unexpectedly good despite consecutive rainy days. Consequently, some independent paragliders showed up too, taking their liberty to fly on their own as long as there was enough space for their departure.

If you wonder why I started my story with a young boy’s description yet rambling on the paragliding and nature stuffs, please be assured that I am not going off the topic at all. Besides, as already mentioned, I have no direct contact with the boy whatsoever, we are strangers to each other in every sense of relationship definition. I don’t know who he is, other than the fact that he was one of the guests booking paragliding service. He waited with his friends/colleagues almost all day. Because there was not enough car service to take people and their big parachute bags up to the top of the mountain, it takes ages for paragliders to come up to the mountain again after landing on the rice fields. That’s why, in spite of losing the whole day for paragliding experience, each guest was only entitled to have one flight and sky-floating up to 30 minutes or less. However, if you are the last guest, there’s a high chance you could enjoy floating in the clouds longer, because that’s also the last time for your professional paraglider to enjoy this activity and hence, he would want to take time for himself too, not just for the sake of monetary service, for professional paragliders become who they are simply because of their very interest in paragliding themselves.

Am I rambling again? I wonder. As I dreaded to reach the end of what I am writing. That boy is the last guest. And I have got on the car before seeing him fly off to the sky with his professional paraglider. So honestly, nothing could make me talk at length about him. I don’t know who he is. I don’t know his story. I don’t know what he likes, his passion, hobbies or just what he is going to do next week...

When I was in a coffee house at the bottom of the mountain, I saw tension in some professional paragliders’ eyes and overheard their conversation about the professional paraglider who took off with the last guest. That professional paraglider made a call with other professional on the radio, mentioning an emergency situation and asking for emergency help. Someone called the ambulance and prepared first aid... 

....

The last guest fell off while paragliding. 

He died instantly.

...

He was just twenty-something...

One’s life has ended abruptly and so unbelievably fast.

Not just me, but no one including his family would ever know what he could be doing next week.

#583rd

[winds--of--change]

No.582

It has been a while, my dear bloggie and I am sorry for this overdue post. I still haven’t got my writing passion back, though it sounds like just another excuse for procrastinating.... well because I just need to write right, and somehow I would get to the end of a story I have started....

As crazy as it may sound, the water must has washed my brain away lol almost a year after the accident yet I felt joyless still, at an epic scale. Time after time there has been, indeed, some little joy to keep me going. And I truly appreciate it. 

Only about 2 weeks ago have I finally consciously recognized my depression. It was a revelation indeed, when I talked to Jenny about the old usual things and she woke me up from a long dream by just honestly saying the things I should have been always aware. Since then I actively raise my self-awareness and learn to ‘push a little bit’, instead of pushing none at all which, in turn, literally means I just easily give in, rather than giving myself a break and take a rest. Honestly the line is pretty blurred anyway between pushing and resting, resisting the not-so-good or is it like simply just accepting what I really am? I mean, both sound like a good choice, right way to do, so exactly to what extent I should/shouldn’t do this/that is out of my wisdom.

Of course, I do admit that I might move to another extremity by pushing none and therefore, now that I am self-aware everyday of how my feelings are recycling, I have to say to myself consistently that ‘I wanna make things work this time’, ‘I wanna make things work from now’ so really, ‘I don’t want to give in and at least, let me resist my negative thoughts a bit’. Little by little.

You know, I have such a good story to tell yet, now I can’t write my story.

Today is one of the day within the depression cycle and better from last time, I woke up in the morning, I am still aiming for 3 meals per day, I climbed 16 floors to my office instead of using elevator, and well today, I even wrote this blog so still, I’m doing pretty damn well right. Achievement of the day haha. Yesterday I worked hard. I do know I am a hardworker, though passionless me finding no career-orientation, I make money towards my saving goal and that’s good enough.

Sis Ann asked me what I need save so much money for. Well I don’t know. I thought now that I find no passion or interest in anything, all I need is to make money and save loads of money and maybe that would help me find back what I look forward to in this life.

Just wanna take it easy and be simple. That’s all.

#582nd

[winds--of--change]

No.579

Me1: Dude help me out here. Literally have NO FUCKING MOTIVATION to work! And I don't even know what my job is (=.=)

Me2: Man you lack social interaction. You need talk to your bosses and colleagues to get going with work. But if you isolate yourself (like what you are doing) of course you don't know what to do with your job and your performance shall stay low.

Me1: Man and I was so resolute about making money, achieving my saving goals and all shits. But I got not push to actually do what I am supposed to do.

Me2: At 30 and still fucking have no idea what to do and the kind of specialist you could be. Well done my dear.

Me1: I broke away from academic route just to find out I am actually fucking an academician. Though I am afraid there's no point going back and forth again now. It's futile also to continue on with academic route I guess....

Me2: WHAT DO YOU WANT? Geez....

Me1: You know, these days I have been thinking that, I JUST WANT A BABY (T_T) a cute little baby boy. I just want to marry a nice guy who can afford raising children with me and together we are gonna raise a baby boy then a twin baby girls.

Me2: ....

Me1: Say something (=.=)

Me2: Dude you don't even make money.... How the hell could you raise a child?

Me1: Hey that's why I said I would find someone who could afford raising children with me!

Me2: Anyway.... You'd better get back to work. Do something more.... useful... seriously.

Me1: I don't know what to do (T.T)

Me2: YOU HAVE A LOT OF SHITS TO DO. JUST GET IT ALL DONE. YOU NEED TO MAKE A GOOD PRESENTATION FOR YOUR TEAM. YOU NEED TO CREATE THE SOCIAL MEDIA PACKAGES. YOU NEED TO MAKE A GOOD ENGLISH PRESENTATION FOR YOUR TEAM, JUST IN CASE. YOU NEED TO PRACTICE ENGLISH TO PRESENT YOUR TEAM, ONE DAY. YOU NEED TO TALK MORE TO YOUR COLLEAGUES, FINDING OUT WHAT YOU CAN CONTRIBUTE TO YOUR TEAM. YOU COULD DO A LOT BUT RIGHT NOW YOU ARE JUST PROCRASTINATING AND IMPROVING NONE!!!!

Me1: Wow wow..easy girl.

Me2: One day, this would come back when you are fucking unprepared I assure you. Who knows, after this virus thing dies down, everything will start operating and things you waste time not doing now shall come strike you back! But you get ready for it now, RIGHT NOW, maybe you will change your fortune and increase your work performance!

Me1: Ok okay I know I just got PMS again okay I need time and being quarantined does not help at all, I got fucking stuck not just physically but MENTALLY.

Me2: Don't fucking excuse me Lady, you can choose to spend time wisely you KNOW THAT.

Me1: SHUT UP. Being woman is difficult sometimes, give me a break geez...

Me2: Fine. Then weep later.

Me1: Ok I promise from tomorrow on I will be more proactive and then I shall go back to work and start figuring out this job and do it better and make a fabulous presentation to showcase our team's product and then get more orders from foreign clients to our team and then-

Me2: Easier said than done. Especially when you've done no shit right now.

Me1: Hey! It takes time. Give me time. I will be alright.

Me2: If you say so....

Me1: Anyway...It's tough to self-motivate...

Me2: (stare deadly)....

Me1: BUT, of course, I shall overcome this challenge and do the work effectively! Count on me!

Me2: I dearly hope so.

#579th

[winds--of--change]

No.575

Sigh....

It’s 23rd January 2020, which is.... Lunar New Year’s Eve today? I think tomorrow is the first day of a new lunar year, a year of rat. 

And I am so depressed lol 

Just because of the crude words Bro said when I asked for his insights regarding the job in Admicro. I think I already felt down because sis Quynh told me about the limited salary. Then my colleague, Phuong, with her high-pitched voice, annoyed me with that I-know-all attitude. 

All of these added together, caused me tremendous turn of emotion. I was very positive and all I think. And now I have shifted to the opposite side. Life is doomed. I feel worthless and nothing means anything LOL

But anyway, I cried out a lot as a way to articulate this hidden sadness. I never knew that I am so good at crying lol better than being void and numb and in turn, being unable to feel what need be felt when it need be felt. 

Maybe, I have come a long long way, going around a great big circle just to be able to cry out when I feel sad, instead of staying numb and sleeping all day long to try holding onto some abstract dreams in which Life seems much more miraculous and pain-free. 

I have gone a long way separating from my family, running away from them just to be able to come back and cry out whenever feeling hurt by them. It’s like, rather than hiding, I emerged more strongly to face them and ‘feel’ the pain. No longer do I ‘numb’ the pain, I have finally been brave enough to feel it.

And it isn’t too bad. Crying is relieving :)

I don’t think (I hope! LOL) I am holding in negativity and projecting it or intensifying it like what happened 5-6 years ago. I think (and of course I dearly hope! LOL) the negativity I’ve received is released all out through my tears and emotional outburst. Like, I am not alone dealing with it. Nor would I isolate myself from it. At least I kinda sought help from friends, saying something to Kim or Jenny, or ranting to Anne Wil and Chuong. But I understand the emotional gabbage I threw at them was quite... gloomy. Certain things should be left unspoken. I should have just put all my lethargic thoughts down on my diaries, or leaving them here.

Anyway, it’s the same old thing about how ‘others’ define ‘success’ and ‘happiness’ for me, how family define me, how I failed living up to all those definitions and ended up losing my mind over them. With what I experienced, with my big degrees and all I should have earned this or that. At the same time is the low self-esteem they prescribed to me LOL like this family is so ridiculous, one thing they said ‘with your degrees and stuffs, it’s so easy to earn 20 mil per month! Look at A or B, my friends’ daughters/sons, (s)he studied abroad and came back working in X or Y and now she earned Z’ and the other thing they said is ‘Oh don’t expect to get in D or C it’s very tough and only hires best of best people you know. This is the only job you could get, so accept it and settle down.’

Okay I already said to myself 20 YEARS AGO at least but I kept forgetting and being succumbed to it but NOW and FROM NOW ON, I SHALL SAY IT AGAIN AND ALWAYS UPHOLD IT NO MATTER WHAT

-Never trust anyone but yourself! Never believe in others saying.

-Including family?

-Hah! ESPECIALLY them.

Chuong told me to filter out what is not good for me. Don’t project the negativity of the world. It cost me greatest things and it cost me MYSELF to be able to figure this. 

I WILL FILTER OUT WHATEVER MY FAMILY EVER SAY TO ME. 

I WILL NOT BELIEVE IN THEM NO MATTER WHAT. 

Because I believe in myself. And I know that I know me better than my family. 

HAPPY LUNAR NEW YEAR, YEAR OF RAT! 

I may be alone in Vietnam, but I am not lonely if I’ve finally found myself.

The world is my future. Anything could happen. So I utterly believe being here is not permanent, it’s my new start! And for this time, this is the start of everything. 

#575th

[winds--of--change]

No.573

Làm một post cho một ngày tâm trạng :”)

https://typing-speed-test.aoeu.eu/

Chơi lại cái này và được 336 CPM (tầm 67 WPM), lần mình chơi ở Ahead Group hình như là được khoảng 60 WPM gì đó và ngang ngửa với Raymond.

Hôm nay nói là Nhật Thực cuối cùng của năm nên thử lên tầng 24 xem. Công ty tầng ý bao cả tầng, còn làm một cái vườn có hồ sen rõ là đẹp và lãng mạn. Hí hửng tưởng lựa lúc giờ nghỉ trưa của mọi người lên đấy chui vào vườn xem Nhật Thực. Ai ngờ đâu cửa vườn đóng chặt không mở được (=..=)

Ngậm ngùi bỏ về. Nhưng trong lúc chờ thang máy lại loanh quanh ngó lui, thế nào phát hiện đầu bên kia có một cái vườn ban công có cửa ngỏ. Thế là lẻn chạy vào trong ahihi.

Nhật Thực thì không nhìn thấy rồi =))))))) vì báo cũng nói là ở Hà Nội chỉ xảy ra 40% nhưng Hà Nội giờ còn một lớp bụi kín đặc không khí nữa nên Nhật Thực review hôm nay chỉ có thể ghi một chữ là: Nhạt =))))))

Có điều được ra ban công bên ngoài trên tầng cao nhất đứng cạnh một cái vườn xanh nho nhỏ, cũng là một chút an ủi cho cuộc phiêu lưu Nhật Thực hôm nay (dù gì cũng là lẻn vào vườn/khu vực của công ty khác =)))))) nghịch thế còn gì). 

Kể ra cái vườn ý mà liên thông suốt sang đầu bên kia nhập với cái vườn to thì đẹp không còn gì bằng (mà thế thì chắc không có chuyện người ta để cửa mở tự nhiên vô tư thế cho mình lẻn vào...). Kiểu đang tâm trạng nên rất phởn khi được hòa mình vào giữa cỏ cây xanh và nhìn ra ngoài phóng mắt xuống tòa nhà xen kẽ đường phố với xe cộ nhỏ tí hin đang di chuyển ý. Lại tự nhủ về giấc mơ đang ấp ủ, khát vọng lớn lao rằng: LẦN NÀY, NHẤT ĐỊNH, SẼ ĐƯỢC! 

Sẽ thành công đó! 

Chỉ cần đừng bỏ cuộc. 

Giống như hôm nay, bền bỉ leo cầu thang thêm 8 tầng nữa để lên đến cái vườn, thì nó lại đóng cửa =)))))) nhưng vì tiếc nuối nên vẫn lưu giữ chút mong muốn dù cái vườn đã đóng cửa, và rồi tưởng chừng lúc đã và đang từ bỏ rồi, thì một cánh cửa khác hiện ra, mà phát hiện được nó lại chỉ cần nhờ vào mấy bước chỉ cố đi thêm chút nữa.

...

Tiếp tục nào. 

Thêm mấy bước nữa thôi. 

Vì một cánh cửa khác sẽ mở ra mà :”) 

#573rd

[winds--of--change]

No.570

Dear Bloggie,

I am alright today :”) Thank you very much for asking LOL

There was still time (just now actually lol) I mourned again, wondering what it would be like if this year were the year 2014 when I stayed at home after leaving UK instead, and if the greatest mistake had been done in London, then I had got another chance to start all over again in Tokyo instead, and so things in Tokyo would have been.... different. I know this is futile :”) but I can dream, can’t I? LOL

On a bright side, there’s still a lot of things exciting to explore in future. Life now is another new beginning, not yet the end. I am not even coming 30 yet for goodness sake! So no need for melodrama. 

I guess, I have really become calmer :”) sinking in the facts, the reality of what has happened in a peaceful way, no struggle. Regrets do remain, but at least no longer does resentment retain. I think acceptance and allowance have come into play and they have played well.

And I have been grateful for what I have received. It has been an amazing adventure that I could have never dared to dream before! Now here is not the settled place, it might just be a place for a rest, while I am on break. And sooner or later, my life would begin again somewhere... over the rainbow :)))))) I have always loved that classic songs, classic things and just the old stuffs. And I’ve come to love them even more age by age.  

Julia made a quite precise interpretation of the cards presented to me that time. I think it makes sense about the message from Angels that I should honor the land I come from, showing respect to my parents who have sacrificed everything for me. This country is, no doubt, beautiful. It’s actually very simple in this way: close your eyes and ‘see’ with your heart, that’s where true love shines. It’s so easy to be blinded by the exact visual interpretation from our eyes, and forgot that the real beauty sometimes can only be felt by our hearts. I have had time for introspection these days and therefore, been able to look back the history and seriously found how absolutely amazing this country’s people were during the war. History is crazy! But at the same time, it’s probably the most fascinating storytelling as well as truest form of identification of all, as Steven Spielberg in his commencement speech stated: 

[...] if you didn’t know history, you didn’t know anything. You were a leaf that didn’t know it was part of a tree. So history majors: Good choice, you’re in great shape...Not in the job market, but culturally.   

It took me such a long way to actually realize that the technique of the self shall never be severed from one’s root. Identification has already been made from a majority of yourself throughout childhood years then intensified with consciousness once you learn to see things independently. Of course, it is not to say you are forever defined by your history and consequently, unchanged. It is just to emphasize the importance of knowing who you ‘were’ in the web of history surrounding your birth and upbringing before kicking start in the journey of self-fulfilling for a... greater identification LOL 

So as Spielberg’s last message, like E.T., I GO HOME lol

NOW I AM HOME :”)

#570th

[winds--of--change]

No.567

Since the incident, its magnitude forced me to look at myself deeply from within to explain the whole situation involving identity crisis, post-trauma effects, past pain, my mother and all.

I developed difficulties in enjoying living even though I was lucky to overcome the near-death experience without major damage. Though I may say, there must be certain deficit due to lack of oxygen in my brain, following which my emotion is really unstable and I mentally feel lethargic many of the time especially during the period of menstruation.

For example now is about a week after my period and my moody feelings remain until this early morning. It is getting better now probably thanks to some physical exercises. I stepped up 16 floors of staircase to reach the office instead of using the elevator, which fortunately led to toxic release, physically in sweat and emotionally in the mitigation of mental heaviness. My overthoughts have been reduced remarkably, having me stopped thinking too much about what I did and how I should have behaved otherwise. Mentally, I am feeling really stress-free now that I shall not give a damn on too much thing. It really lightens me up knowing that whatever be will be, I shall stop worrying about who I am. I am who I am more than being who I should be. With such certainty I cease struggling with identification to try to prove socially that I can get along. It doesn’t matter now because I believe that the moment for changes will come, sooner or later. It has always been just about the ‘sooner or later’ rule, in which everything will just all come together. Everything

#567th