#batterie is just funny sometimes lol. and maybe the angst that can come with it | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

honeyhuun · 3 years

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astro’s reaction to you calling them late at night

~ type . reaction

~ requested . no

~ pairing . astro x gender-neutral!reader

~ genre . comfort fluff with some slight angst

~ tw . mentions of insomnia

~ song recommendation . all night by astro

~ a/n . ahh it feels so good to be writing on this platform again ~ hopefully i can stay more active on this blog hehe, i hope you enjoy my first reaction !! it’s like 12am when i’m writing this so it might be shit lol. i just miss ot6 astro a lot mm’kay, someone tell eunwoo to come home ;-;

you check the time on your phone and it’s only three am when it feels like you have tried to fall asleep for what felt like hours. you sit up in bed and rub your tired red eyes, fearing for when your alarm would start going off alerting you to start your day when you hadn’t even finished the last. in your sluggish haste you dialled your boyfriend’s number with empty hope that’ll he will pick up...

| p a r k j i n w o o

it took him a while to answer, as expected he was fast asleep. but when he was dragged finally dragged so far outside of his sleep cycle to notice that his phone was ringing, he shot up so fast and answered immediately. when jinwoo heard your voice on the other end he became even more concerned than he already was. why were you awake at this time? was something troubling you? were you in danger? this worried leader bear would not stop worried leadering, he can’t help it, it’s in his nature to be concerned about you. however when you said you just found it a bit hard to sleep and wanted to hear his voice, he softened (a just a bit though he’s still nag you a bit but it was all out of love). jinwoo would then spend the rest of the call’s duration talking softly about his day and things he’s been interested in lately. and maybe MAYBE sing a short lullaby for you really really quietly (so quiet you’d think he’s whispering). in between all his sweet actions he never fails to tell you he loves you and that he’s so extremely proud of you no matter what you do. he wouldn’t end the call until you’ve been silent for 20 minutes and hears your heavy breathing from the other side of the line.

“you want me to sing for you? really bubs, is there anything else- okay, okay, but only because i love you so much my beautiful amazing y/n. if you ever feel like this again please call me, i don’t care what time, your wellbeing is my number one priority”

(i’m blushing oml i love jinwoo so much ;-;)

| k i m m y u n g j u n

when it comes to you he would be all bright n’ smiley, no matter how tired he actually was. you knew he had musical promotions coming up which is why you wanted to avoid calling him during the later hours of the day as much as possible. but you should know myungjun is always up to talk to you no matter the time place or day: you’re his love why wouldn’t he? when he answered your call he tried to mask the tiredness in his voice by speaking in a chirpier tone than usual, you laughed at his attempt and said you were going to end the call to let him rest. myungjun of course would never let you have the final say so he started to whine until you gave in and continued to talk to him. then he insisted you guys face timed his excuse being “if i don’t see your face i am physically unable to go to sleep” complete bullshit, but that’s what you love about him. when you answered his face time request he had the biggest shit eating grin on his face. you’d guys would be on call for about an hour telling shitty jokes, blowing raspberries at the screen and talking about places you’d like to visit when you’re both less busy. myungjun only agreed to end the call when both of you struggled intensely to keep your eyes open.

“oooo, look at you my perfect baby!! you’re so good looking you know that? you take my breathe away every single day, i can’t believe you’ve deprived me from seeing your face for this long”

“it’s too late for this myungjun...”

“no matter the time i will shower you with the compliments you deserve jagi!”

| c h a e u n w o o

good chances are he’s awake and can’t seem to sleep, not being able to clear his head to the point of exhaustion. eunwoo was fully prepared to spend the rest of the night awake. maybe he could do something more useful with his time and catch a nap on set later in the day. kicking off his covers, he was planning to get out of bed but then he got your call. out of all the members i feel eunwoo would be the happiest to get a call from you at this time of night (all of the members wouldn’t really mind but eunwoo would love getting calls like this, it made him feel liked you needed him). when he picked up and there was no hint of sleepiness in his tone you got worried. for the first few minutes all the call was you two sweetly bickering. “why are you still awake-” “well why are you?” “you called me first” “well if you were fast asleep you wouldn’t pick up” and more cute shit like that. talking to you at times like this would bring him so much strength and he really treasures it. something about your silly sleep deprived conversations feels so intimate to him and it sets his heart alight. when he can tell you’re drifting off, he makes sure to tell you he loves you once more before trying to get some sleep himself. the sounds of you soft half-awake sighs would lull him into a deep sleep and you would only notice he never ended the call when you wake up to your phone’s battery being on 3% and the sound of a snoring eunwoo.

“i’ve noticed i don’t sleep as well without you in my arms. i miss your sleepy voice, it’s like a lullaby to me. when i see next you i’m never letting you leave my sight again.”

| m o o n b i n

is it just me or does anyone else think our binnie has a slight temper when he’s woken up from sleep. it wouldn’t last for long but he’ll be very cranky and frustratedly pouty if his alarm had gone off or one of the members started shouting in the dorm when he’s trying to have a lie in. he’d wouldn’t be any different when he heard his phone ringing from the bedside table. he was so tempted to fling that thing out the window. when it went off for the third time he answered the call clumsily almost missing the answer button. in a pissed sleepy voice he answered “what do you want?” you taken aback by your normally sweet boyfriend’s bluntness, whispered a quick apology before ending the call. moonbin felt so awful when he was realised it was you. the last thing this boy wants to do is hurt your feelings and he was angry at himself for denying you in a time of need (now we have a really frustrated pouty bin). he immediately called you back and apologised a lot (even after you said it was fine, his every other sentence was filled with sweet sorry’s and kissy noises just to make sure you don’t hate him) moonbin would calmly ask why you called and got a bit worried when you said you couldn’t sleep. bin would scold you lightly for maybe staring at your screen for too long or not taking as many breaks as he thought you needed. but then again he would comfort you and ask if there’s anything you’d like to get off your chest. after letting you rant he gave his best advice and the most loving and encouraging words he could. you fell asleep to the sounds of his praise and bin couldn’t have felt better.

“baby i’m so so sorry, you know i would never deny you like that on purpose, please don’t be hurt. you’re worth so much to me, i couldn’t bare for you to be upset with me. you know how much i care about you love, right?” *ensue more pouty and whiny bin waffle*

(why this so long and i’m not even binnie biased -_-)

| p a r k m i n h y u k

minhyuk would be wide awake when you call him. he feels like one of those people who finds it really relaxing to go on runs in the early morning, watching the sunrise by the river; seeing streets around him get busier as the city starts waking up. he would be in his kitchen filling up his water bottle, hearing his phone ring from the island behind him. his eyes glanced at the contact name and he smiled. minhyuk answered your call like he would answer any other, failing to realise that it was going on 4am and you had things to do in the next few hours. after hearing that you couldn’t sleep he would chuckle and joke around “what’s the thing keeping my y/n from sleeping? tell me and i’ll beat the shit out of the thing ” (not lying he would punch the air around you if you said it was bothering you, he really is that whipped). i don’t think the conversation would hold anything in particular. it would just be mindless small talk and random thoughts as rocky is getting himself ready for his run. it would be so light hearted and sweet, this is what most of your relationship is like and why you love minhyuk so much. everything is so chill and thoughtless with him, you match each other so well. you could say something and nine times out of ten he is thinking the same thing. after sometime he would say he had to end the call because if not he’d miss the sunrise. you complained playfully that he was choosing the sun over you and minhyuk found it funny; promising to make it up to you in one way or another. but you didn’t expect to be woken up by the clattering of pans and cups caused by your clumsy boyfriend, in your kitchen trying to make you breakfast.

“ahh don’t worry y/n, i would never need the sun when i have you with me. you make me so happy you’re like my own personal sunshine. try and get some rest and you’ll wake up to pictures of the sunrise that reminds me so much of you.”

| y o o n s a n a h

out of all six members, he would be the only one not to pick up. sanah obviously wouldn’t do it on purpose, he loves you way too much to ignore you like that. he probably left his phone to charge in another room or in a more likely scenario poor bubs was just so tired he couldn’t wake up. even if you threw water on him our maknae wouldn’t budge. so when you called, his phone was just vibrating on the table untouched. after the fifth go you just stopped trying to reach him and started up at your celling hoping tiredness would reach you soon. in the morning when sanah checked his phone and saw all your missed calls, colour drained from his face and he’d get so panicky that he’d almost drop his it. he called back immediately, flooding your exhausted state with so many questions it would make anyone lightheaded. when telling him you just wanted to hear his voice hoping it would help you sleep, he replied with “did you end up getting any sleep then?” and when all he was met with was silence from your end, his heart dropped. he was so angry at himself and would never let it go that he was the reason you didn’t sleep (he wasn’t but trust me for the next week he’d go to bed with his phone right behind his ear). sanah would tell you to get your laptop ready with a show you’d been meaning to watch because he was coming over for a nap n’ movie date. when you tried to object because you had things to do that day he told you no but’s and he’d cancel work/school/your meet up with friends for you. in no time he showed up at your door in his pyjamas with two plastic bags, filled with extra blankets and your favourite sweet and savoury snacks.

“what do you mean you didn’t get any sleep and did some work instead? sweetcheeks you know that’s horrible for your health, i can’t have you being sick, it would break me knowing i was the reason. you know what? get your netflix account up i’m coming over- no excuses, i’ll handle everything else, now go get ready to be attack with my love.”

(the sweetest >:( i cry)

if you reached the end thank you so so much for reading. if this comforted you even just a bit i’m so glad <3 ily u all ~~

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youknowmymethods · 5 years

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Content Creator Interview #12

Tissues at the ready, because, sniff sniff, this is the last post in the current series. And we’re ending with me, @ohaine, putting questions to one of my favourite people in the whole world, @likingthistoomuch, who answers questions about her secret squish, how culture and language influence her writing, and why her eyeball occasionally rolls under the bed.

If you’ve been in the Sherlolly corner of the fandom for any length of time at all you’ll already know that likingthistoomuch is funny, sweet and not afraid to say what she thinks. What you may not know is that she’s one of the kindest, wisest people that you’ll ever meet. She’s a beautiful person, a wonderful friend, a bit crazy, a bit sarcastic, and now, by public vote (well, I voted for it), an honorary Irish cailín dána. As if all of those things weren’t enough she’s a damn fine writer too. Want me to prove it?

Molly looked surprised but followed his lead. They moved to the silent tune being played in his head, upping their tempo as the notes seemed to flow fast and with certainty until they reached a crescendo and slowly seemed to fall as leaves in autumn, leaving a wonderful silence in their wake.

“There’s no silence when I’m around you. It’s music. And its beautiful.”

The simplest symphony, one of her sixty two stories, is one of my all time favourites, and I was so happy to get the chance over Christmas 2018 to pick her brain about where these beautiful words come from.

OhAine: I’m always impressed by the gentle way you treat your words, and I’ve often wondered is that because English is a second language for you?

Likingthistoomuch: I am always surprised when reviewers say that because I honestly just blurt it all out. There is no deliberate attempt to make the words the way they are. And English, though it may seem like my second language, is in a way my first because my entire education has been in English. (I just may be more fluent in it than the local languages but that’s a discussion between my mum and me that you really don’t want to know.) The only real barriers are when it comes to the British way of putting words. Because we are so exposed to American TV, that’s the language that forms immediately in my mind. But it’s getting better, because nowadays it’s all British TV for me! (GoT is worldwide and based in Westeros so it’s not American ok!)

OhAine: Brit-picking you mean? Nothing will throw me out of a Sherlock story faster than reading something that just shouldn’t be there, so how do you get around it?

Likingthistoomuch: I (le gasp!!) ask people like you and Emma Lynch but mostly I just bulldoze ahead. (My muse lasts less than the winter here so I need to move it quickly.)

OhAine: And is it that love of film/TV/stories that inspired you to write in the first place, or are you a life-long writer? What was the very first moment that you thought to yourself; I can do that?

Likingthistoomuch: I would call myself the Accidental Writer (I can almost hear the play-writes scribbling that title down...royalties people!!!). I wanted to read a story with a certain story line, and the then regular prompt takers were all busy. @writingwife-83 was the one who suggested that I try writing the fic on my own, she said, “Why don’t you just give it a go!” And I did. The result, Moving with time, didn’t seem to be too bad considering. Of course I get the cringe moment when I read it now, but that’s what started the ball rolling!

OhAine: This seems like a really apt moment to slip in a reader question submitted by @writingwife-83. She asked; How does writing inspiration tend to strike for you? Does it hit you out of the blue or does it come from something more external?

Likingthistoomuch: It’s literally a hit from out of the blue! It can be a movie or a song or recollection of a scene, literally anything. That is exactly why my post-TFP took so long to finish, the story (Our love has a way about it) was just not getting through!! So I look at admiration when writers take on a prompt and expand it into stories. My mind’s inbox is full of Asks, waiting for the brain to acknowledge and work on it :).

OhAine: When I looked at your sixty two stories as a body, it occurred to me that there are two types of stories that you excel at; Victorian!lock, and short scenes—

Likingthistoomuch: Ooh thank you.

OhAine: No, genuinely, no smoke blowing here LOL. I think you have a real affinity for Victorian Sherlock. So, how do you get into the mind set and what about that era particularly inspires you?

Likingthistoomuch: The mind-set isn’t much of an imaginative journey. We Indians have a saying, "The English left India but left their bastard behind." This refers to the narrow minded, sexist mind-set that was highly followed during Victorian times, remnants of which we are still fighting to get rid of here. Not blaming it all on the English, we have been pretty inventive with our own original regressive thought process too. So for the social mind-set and fic setting, all I need is to look out the window.

I love putting Molly and Sherlock in that era because on some front, both of them epitomise "not all heroes wear capes". She is trying to reach for opportunities that are denied to her just because of her gender and he is seen as the almost vulgar, rude and insensitive soul who is ready to judge people on their merits alone...(oh how dare he!!) It’s a personal favourite to put them in an era where they do struggle and fight but eventually it always work towards what they want, and of course, they get it via some unrelenting angst but hey what’s the fun if it’s all bubble gum. (It’s almost my inner romantic peeping out but don’t you dare tell anyone about it, I have a reputation to keep!)

OhAine: I can kind of relate to that – and this is something I put to @hobbitsdoitbetter too, because she writes Victorian era Sherlolly so brilliantly as well – I often think of Molly in the Victorian works as being like Irish women of the last generation who took their small victories where they found them.

Likingthistoomuch: True, unfortunately every geography and people has a similar story to tell. Things are changing but this change has yet to reach the grassroots levels.

OhAine: We can’t talk about your Victorian!lock without mentioning With eyes shut tight, where you did a very interesting thing when you switched to John’s voice in a very ACD way. What inspired that? How did you find John’s voice?

Likingthistoomuch: I actually found John's character (and Martin's fabulous portrayal) in TAB to be very interesting. Here is a man who can see what’s correct, will support it but is also so short sighted that he doesn’t realise that in supporting the women's struggle elsewhere he is ignoring the struggle going on in his own home. So there was the empathy for Molly not getting her due treatment as Sherlock's wife balanced by the outrage at her wanting to follow her own heart. Martin's performance in TAB is my favourite of the special and it was fun to try and bring in his voice, the sarcasm battling the disbelief. I had great fun doing it :)

OhAine: I have this theory that you have a secret squish on John, am I right?

Likingthistoomuch: You mean crush? I absolutely adore the boots off Martin Freeman, his performance is exquisite. I know we all look in awe at Ben's work, but for me, performance wise Martin takes the cake.

As for John...you know Sherlock puts on a veil of indifference to hide that he feels so much. I think for John it’s the opposite. He thinks he feels a lot and understands it all, but he too is hiding the inner struggling man. That’s why the TLD exchange between these two, (S: Underneath all we may just be human. J:You too? S: No, you too) is so profound. Just as Sherlock found in John a partner, John did too. It’s just that Sherlock accepts that he needs John, John is too blind to understand that he needs Sherlock too. That is one man who has his emotions so cross wired and tangled, it’s a very interesting character. And the thing is I feel Sherlock understands that and hangs on to John, not looking at it as a weakness. John, if he ever introspects, will find his dependency on Sherlock as a weakness. It’s basically asking Sherlock to do something, which he himself would not apply.

And Martin adds a different layer each time he plays him.

OhAine: One of my favourites of yours is a short story (<1,000 words), New paths. There’s a very calm, meditative feeling to the story: could you tell me a bit about your inspiration?

Likingthistoomuch: So, couple of years back we made a trip to England, and had visited Filey, near Scarborough in Yorkshire. After a long drive from London, we arrived and realised that there was a view of this cliff face from our cottage. And while my city bred, urban self gawked at the lovely site, the cloud thing happened and the hills actually turned pink. In that moment, it went all quiet and I literally felt the tiredness from my long journey seep away. And it’s only nature that can do that magic.

While writing New Paths, I wanted to see things from Molly's perspective. Do I feel she broke down and cried buckets and ate two tubs of ice cream? Maybe, but I don’t think so. I think she just felt tired and also at the same time, like a huge weight was off her back. And sometimes, what you need for your soul to just feel even a little better is a few moments away from humanity. Not necessarily to forget things, but more like to recharge your batteries and get the energy to deal with things in a better way. So I made her experience what I did that evening. I made her experience the sea, the beautiful colours that nature shows and just heal her tired heart a little. God knows she needed it.

OhAine: Misty silhouettes is a unique story, and I don’t think I’ve ever seen one quite like it before. Can you tell me about how it came to you and what are the challenges of writing Sherlock and Molly through so many lives?

Likingthistoomuch: Misty came about because of Mirrors, a short one I wrote on my phone, half asleep and trying to get rid of an ear (brain?) worm. Kiki had loved it and encouraged me to expand on it, which I attempted to do. I think I had just recently watched a historic Indian movie and was highly impressed with the battle scene, hence the opening sequence. I thought; why not work through time as well as geography, bringing these two closer and closer, like they showed in the short Sherlock episode before S3, where Anderson comments Sherlock is coming home? So they start in ancient India, and then slowly weave geographically as well as chronologically towards their current destination, London.

The challenges were to keep the story along the same theme as Mirrors, so trying to find characters, stories and their ending as well as the transition into the next life was some work. In short, I feel I have exhausted my small quota of creative imagination where the story stands right now, on the cusp of the last chapter where Sherlock is now in current time. It is definitely NOT abandoned; I have at least formulated ten stories and discarded them all because after such a long journey, Molly and Sherlock deserve a good reunion. And I trust myself to write it one day. Because that right end WILL come, I am sure of it.

OhAine: Have you found that end yet?

Likingthistoomuch: I may have! I have just started on that path, praying I stay on it.

OhAine: What does your proofreading and editing process look like?

Likingthistoomuch: Going through the document three times, checking for typos. Posting the fic, finding those three escaped typos and correcting them. Finding typos the more times I read a story. Yes, that’s the process. Elegant, no?

OhAine: Super elegant, LOL!!! You would rather do it yourself than press a beta into service? Or do you find working with someone else restrictive?

Likingthistoomuch: I think it may just be because I am such an impatient writer. I have loads and loads of ideas but putting them on paper takes a lot out of me. So once it’s there, I can’t wait to get it published and for you guys to see (and maybe get a few reviews too.)

I am learning. I do at times ask for help to oversee the plot and the work and it’s worth waiting.

OhAine: But you work without a beta most of the time… Is that a deliberate choice, or something that’s just evolved?

Likingthistoomuch: Actually, that’s just how it evolved. My first impression of a beta was someone who would do a read through and call out my typos and grammatical mistakes. Then it dawned that I could ask about the story line and if / how/ will it work. The advantage of working with someone is that you might get a better way of putting your story forward, get help when you are stuck. Or they’ll help you understand character’s motives and inspirations even more, which was a fantastic new experience for me. On the downside you could end up telling someone else's story.

OhAine: I think that’s a great point; you can end up telling someone else’s story, and it sort of has me reflecting that I’ve done that when I was very new to writing. Has it ever happened – even in relation to reader input – to you?

Likingthistoomuch: Actually no. But that’s also because almost 95% of my fics are one-shots. As for inspiring something new, only Kiki's advice at expanding Mirrors was an exception. The rest...? I am a free bird!!

OhAine: I’ve seen it argued lately that sites like tumblr stifle creativity and can lead your writing in directions you wouldn’t have otherwise taken it. What’s your take on that?

Likingthistoomuch: Oh good question! The social policing at times can inhibit your writing and introduce undue caution at best or a total change of direction of the story at worse. It’s something that every writer has to take a call on, and finally write a story that he or she wants to tell. Because, at least for me, I know when I have written something good, and maybe not many would like it. But it’s the story I want to tell, and if I am not able to do that, no matter how many accolades I get, there would always be a feeling of dissatisfaction bubbling beneath the surface. I may just not share my work next time, and that would even further piss me off :D So not a good cycle to get into. I would encourage writers to take pride in their creation and own it like a boss. Your words indeed are your baby!

OhAine: Does that mean that social media has been a stimulator more than a damper of creativity for you?

Likingthistoomuch: So far I have had a relationship with social media where I have been able to distance myself if there indeed is shit happening. Which, if you have been on tumblr long enough, you know is pretty frequent. I keep to my lane, and I expect you to do the same. So far it has been a stimulator, and the few moments where it could’ve been a dampener, I was able to remind myself that’s it’s all virtual and imaginary and I have a real life outside, and hence was able to ignore the shit.

I have a very simple mantra, you no like, you unfollow or block or ignore. I will survive, indeed thrive, in your absence....if I notice your absence in the first place.

OhAine: The thing that puts me off social media is the combative purity culture that seems to be so prevalent now.

Likingthistoomuch: *roll my eyes so hard am still looking for my right eyeball that rolled under the bed, the bugger* All I can say is, real life is tough as nails, Social Media should be a platform to release some steam, not to order or bully people around. Again, instead of telling people what to do, what to post it would be better if the Social Police (aka Staff) got their act together and BLOODY ADDRESSED THE PORN BOTS. (I got 5 new followers yesterday and no prizes for guess what they are.)

Also, as a blogger, it’s not MY responsibility to ensure that YOUR children and young people see clean content. There are tags and blocks meant for filtering NSFW stuff. I came to your free site because I thought I could post/follow the stuff I want. And people will always find a way to find 'blocked' content. It’s called Google.

OhAine: And a few quick fire questions to wrap it up. Starting with: how do you find your titles?

Likingthistoomuch: Like literally throwing a net out there and hoping the words caught make sense. Sometimes it’s just *snap* and you have your title, sometimes it takes time. I always hope the story inspires the heading but that rarely happens. Except for my post TFP, Our love has a way about it. That was purely the after effect of finishing chapter 1 that I had been trying for months.

OhAine: How do you gauge the success of a story? What’s the metric you live by?

Likingthistoomuch: Reviews! Comments! God, I love them. But honestly, sometimes it’s more about being happy myself and putting an honest effort on the paper. I feel the best when I know the job I have done is a good, genuine one, like for Our love has a way about it. It’s a lovely feeling and very few things can replace that knowledge of a job well done.

OhAine: Do you find writing is an outlet for real life pressure?

Likingthistoomuch: Not really. How can I say this, it adds a bit of colour? Like people who art! Writing makes me feel good, that I can do things that may not have a tangible benefit for anyone but it is a big achievement for me. And since not many know that I write, it’s a very personal feeling, a fight to the finish with myself.

I had a great time addressing all these questions, Áine. I am surprised that the answers aren’t one worded, as I half expected them to be. Caught me in a chatty moment I should say :) This has been a wonderful exercise, and dare I say, a wonderful initiative. Kudos to you for coming up with this.

OhAine: Aww, thanks Gee, you’re such a sweetie :) It’s been great fun, but I’ll be glad to get Friday afternoons back to normal!!

So guys, that’s it for now. I just want to say a massive thank you to everyone who read, followed, re-blogged, liked, left comments, and supported this project, none of which would have been possible without the oh-so many lovely writers and interviewers who gave up their their time to participate, and who so kindly shared their fandom and writing experiences. Thank you all so, so much ♥

#content creator interviews #Sherlock #sherlolly #likingthistoomuch #ohaine

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diminuel · 6 years

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Reading List: April

I missed archiving fics I read in March, but I’m back for April. Some of the fics I might have read in March. I’m still not very good at keeping track of what I read when! But the important part is that you get some fics to read! ;D

I’ve added the archive warnings in the brackets in case there were any, but didn’t include the tags. So make sure to read them.

Enjoy! ♥

bring it on home by xylodemon (2.4k)

"She ─" Sam grimaces again. "She likes tea, right?"

Dean hesitates. He pictures their old kitchen in Lawrence ─ the floral wallpaper, the walnut cabinets, the pots and pans hanging on hooks. Sheer, white curtains had hung in the windows, and Mary had left them open because she'd liked plenty of sunlight. It had smelled like coffee in the mornings. Dean had always lined his army men up on the table before eating his Cheerios.

"I don't know," he admits. "She ─ maybe."

Soft and gentle, but also slightly melancholy coda fic for 12x02

The One: Supernatural Edition by motorbike_on_the_avenue (73k)

The One is America's #1 dating show!

Twenty contestants will spend six weeks competing in tasks, to show the American public they should be picked to marry the suitor. Over the six weeks, they'll be voted down till just The One remains...

Dean Winchester is this year's suitor. A 34 year old firefighter from Kansas he isn't entirely sure why he applied to a dating show where he has to get married at the end.

Especially since he'll never have met (or seen) anything about his future lawfully wedded whatever.

But just who will be voted The One?

This is such an enjoyable fic! Dean and Cas don’t even meet each other until the very end, but the premise is so captivating and I constantly was nervous and rooting for my faves *lol*

Kitchen Overhaul by Powerfulweak (Explicit, 20k)

For Dean Winchester, his family’s bakery is his life, even if business is tanking. When his brother volunteers them for the reality show “Kitchen Overhaul”, Dean is less than enthusiastic with changing anything about his beloved bakery. He is even less enthusiastic to deal with the infamously icy host, Chef Castiel Novak.

Just like the previous fic on the list, this fic also has a TV show format as the premise of its story, but it’s more in the background. I loved this a lot! I got frustrated because of Dean, then because of Cas, but it’s all very rewarding!

Peak Homosexual by K_K_TiBal (3.7k)

You know that thing that happens where you hear something really homophobic in public so you gay it up as much as you can? This is that story.

Cute, pretend relationship fic! ♥

Neighborly Behavior by Annie D (scaramouche) (1.8k)

Cas and Dean at a neighborhood potluck, in an AU where they're both kinda assholes.

It’s hilarious and always good for a re-read!

Dean's Table by through_shadows_falling (4.9k)

On Castiel’s first day waiting tables at the Roadhouse Diner, his co-worker tells him to save a spot for Dean, a young veteran with a cane who sits in the same corner booth every day. Dean doesn’t talk, but Castiel’s charm soon works its magic until Dean reveals that he’s there to reconnect with his brother after a painful falling out. Castiel hopes Dean will succeed, even as Castiel's roommate, Sam, visits the diner one morning.

Lovely story about Cas easing Dean out of his lonely shell. And it also includes a happy reunion.

The Glen by Annie D (scaramouche) (3.2k, Explicit)

Dean's run out of excuses to not claim Cas, so he finally does. Better late than never, right?

This is actually set after a previous story, which focuses on Sam and Kevin. It might be slightly confusing without the previous part but I think still an interesting read, especially with the following part!

The Shop on the Corner by CasCase (18.6k, Mature)

Two years ago Castiel left behind his job and his past to fulfill his dream of opening a neighborhood bookshop. Now, his shop is popular and he’s finding himself fitting in with his new community. He’s perfectly happy with his quiet life among the books.

Perhaps the only thing that could make it absolutely perfect would be the attentions of Dean-the-Delivery-Guy. But, of course that means Castiel will have to work beyond his own insecurities to find a way to see the gorgeous man more than once a week.

Maybe he should stick to the books after all.

This was fun and lovely and even though there’s a bit of angst and pining involved, Dean’s gentle patience were lovely!

In Someone Else's Life by blue_morning (4.5k)

Cas never believed in love at first sight, but when he accidentally crashes a wedding trying to keep his brother out of trouble, it happens to him. Happy ending, right? Yeah, except that the man he falls for just happens to be the groom.

Light-hearted misunderstandings (mostly Gabriel’s fault) and an absolutely hilarious ending!

The Return Policy by aileenrose (12.9k, Explicit)

"Most of his visitors are academics. They come from universities all over the nation, sometimes beyond. Others write books. The man in the Reading Room today is neither. He’s a tall, irritated man with a federal badge."

The federal agent's partner is usually the one who does the research. And even though Cas doesn't think this man is a real federal agent, he's happy to help where he can.

A great read, close to canon, with lovely atmosphere!

Do You Need a Stepdad? by supernatural9917 (1.8k)

When Claire Novak tweets a picture of her dad cooking, she didn't expect to go viral, or for everyone to be quite so hot for her dad.

Based on a photo prompt: Teenager Claire posts a snarky tweet about her single dad Cas, and gets this response. She says ‘LOL no he’s gay’ so Dean tweets to ask if she needs a stepdad!

It might be short but it’s incredibly delightful!

How to Keep Time by aileenrose (6.6k, Mature)

Dean's just beginning to learn that some times are more precious than others.

Very touching fic, featuring homeless Cas making beautiful things and Dean having to (re) learn what’s truly valuable.

The Neighboring Perspective by aileenrose (12.7k, Mature)

Dean's newly single, in a new house, and a brand-new father to boot.

Dean's also got this weird thing where some stranger is leaving baby clothes on his porch at night.

A very lovely fic with Cas breaking my heart with his softness and his sadness...! ;w;

Best You Ever Ate by darkforetold (1.7k, Explicit)

Cas sucks—under a table at Ma's Diner.

A PWP! :D

For Science by shiphitsthefan (6.1k, Explicit)

“Think of it like an experiment," says Dean. "You’re testing a hypothesis as to whether or not a desirable response can be achieved through the stimulation of the anus via the application of a willing volunteer’s muscular hydrostat.”

Cas raises an eyebrow. “Are you actually trying to use the scientific method to talk me into letting you lick my asshole?”

It might sound like a cracky PWP, but it’s not! It features ace!Cas and Dean figuring out their sexual relationship. It’s sweet and funny~

Remarkable by shiphitsthefan (3.7k)

It’s only Castiel’s first day as a teacher at All City Elementary in Sioux Falls, and he’s already been warned by four teachers, the guidance counselor, the principal, and the librarian to watch out for Ben Braeden’s father. Unluckily for Castiel, Dean turns out to be just as “helpful” as everyone’s said, bringing in stacks of literature and just as many ideas for how Mr. Milton can encourage his students to be more socially conscious. Castiel dismisses him every time with hardly a second thought.

When Ben brings in his Patriot Day essay assignment, Mr. Milton can't help but change his mind.

I love how passionate and insistent Dean is about social issues. And the way the other teachers speak about Dean makes me sad, but at least Cas makes an effort and the whole fic is very sweet and uplifting!

Made Manifest by schmerzerling

Wherein Castiel defied God for Dean before Dean even knew his name.

I was craving trans!Dean fic and this was recommended to me. It’s really good, focusing on Dean up until Cas pulls him out of hell and recongizes Dean for who he is. Dean, not Deanna.

Low Battery Blues by destielonfire (4k)

Wherein a dead phone battery ruins an otherwise perfectly good and well-intended joke and causes Cas to think Dean broke up with him.

Misunderstanding with a happy ending!

Parent's Weekend by Piper_Halliwell1979 (1.7k)

Claire needs a "dad" to come meet one of her professors during Parent's Weekend at college. She can't get hold of Cas so Dean steps up to help her out. Turns out Claire wouldn't mind if she had two dads.

Dean and Cas both pretend to be Claire’s dads!

This Is Gonna Have Consequences, Kid by omgbubblesomg (Explicit, 3.6k)

Modern AU. Dean is looking for someone to spend the night and Cas is working the streets

PWP with sex worker Cas, featuring younger!Cas and older!Dean.

The Ritual by HazelDomain (Explicit, 9.6k // non-con cw)

The Winchesters were used to being outnumbered. They weren’t too worried about taking on humans, numerous though they may be. It was the ritual’s mystery guest that concerned them.

Their intel wasn’t good. They knew the cultists needed the participation of some incredibly powerful being in order to complete the summoning. “Powerful” and “being” were both very loosely translated, as was “participation.”

I was on a hurt!Cas kick and this story has plenty of it. Cas was abducted by a cult and then found by the Winchesters once it’s been mostly completed. See the archive warnings (graphic violence and rape) and further tags!

Finding Courage by DarkHeartInTheSky (26.3k)

By allowing Lucifer to use him as a vessel, Castiel helped eliminate the Darkness and saved the World. But it may have been at the cost of Sam and Dean's friendship. Deciding he has nothing to live for without that, Castiel plans to end his life on his terms and be at peace---if only a certain ghost of an archangel would leave him alone. Meanwhile, Dean needs to learn to use his words.

A Supernatural "It"s A Wonderful Life" AU

More hurt Cas. Dean reacts very negatively once Cas is free of his possession, sending him away. As a consequence Cas tries to commit suicide and is given the chance to either die or return to life once more. It takes a while to convince him that he hasn’t lost everything. It’s sad but it has a good ending.

Specimen Two Eighty Five by HazelDomain (Explicit, 8k // non-con cw)

Prompt: Cas gets taken prisoner by the MOL or some other people. They lump angels in with all the other supernatural creatures, and believe they’re little better than animals. They keep Cas restrained and burn or tattoo warding on him. They talk about him like he can’t understand them. They strip him, examine him, make him manifest his wings. He can’t escape, and every day brings new mistreatment and misery.

Hurt!Cas and tortured Cas seems to be the theme of my reading at the end of April. What I particularly like about this is the non-linear narration!

Womb Kindred by Annie D (scaramouche) (Explicit, 33k)

It was probably too much to hope for that Castiel's once-betrothed, Dean of Winchester, never found out that they had a child together.

I adore this fic and the last chapter was recently posted. So it’s on my to re-read list! It’s got a very interesting setting and there’s constant tension between all the characters. Cas has been hurt in the past and while he is fierce in guarding Claire, there’s a sad resignation about him. And about Dean as well. They’re pretty much walking on eggshells around each other all the time and then they get flung into troubles which readjusts their relationship. While it has a good ending, it’s clear that it’s not a perfect happy ever after.

Pining Sickness; Or, Murder With One Stone by athaclena, iraeim (Explicit, 57.8k)

New York, 1895. The rigid customs of the old century are beginning to fall away, allowing access to the professions for more people than just Omega men and Alpha women. Dean Winchester, the city’s first Alpha male Detective, uncovers evidence that a mysterious new illness killing mated couples might have its origins is the criminal rather than the medical.

Castiel Novak is a respectable Omega doctor who has started to see patients dying cruelly of something he cannot cure or even effectively treat. Approached by the Detective to once again give his medical expertise, he is eager to work towards finding a cause and, he hopes, a cure for the unfortunate sufferers. But both men harbour a secret attraction towards the other, and the quest for the truth will stretch their relationship beyond its limits.

A historical murder mystery set against a backdrop of a non-traditional Omegaverse.

I absolutely adored this fic! It’s got a historical setting and a very interesting world building which, as the summary advertises, features a non-traditional distribution of roles, with omega men at the top of society. The case itself is interesting and you just get a massive dose of pining between Dean and Cas, but it’s a quiet, resigned kind of pining, that really pulls at your heart.

Take On Me by Powerfulweak (Explicit, 46.4k)

Alpha Dean Winchester figured the closest he’d get to the apple pie life and fatherhood was a one-shot, “wham-bam-thank-you-mam” trip to a sperm bank. That is, until he comes face-to-face with the omega carrying his pup on a fateful trip to the grocery store. When the the omega runs off without a word, though, Dean learns the situation is far more complicated than he expected. Can an anonymous sperm donation and the favor of a lifetime help two complete strangers find everything their life was missing?

A fic with an unusual premise that just promises a “it’s complicated” kind of situation! There’s plenty of very intriguing angst, but there is a fluffy happy ending!

Marry Him by ProLazy (2.9k)

Jimmy is sick and asks Castiel to do him a favour. This results in Dean mistaking Cas for Jimmy and explaining that he wants to marry Cas.

A cute sort of mistaken identity fic!

Left Behind by Aini_NuFire (6.6k)

Sam and Dean saved Lucifer from Amara. They just assumed that meant they’d saved Cas too…

(Author needs to vent some angst, but there’s still a happy ending)

That last part of the summary pretty much describes this fic. It’s a gen fic, addressing the fact that Cas often gets forgotten or left behind, especially in this whole Lucifer and Chuck fiasco. ;w;

Captured by bobertsmallismydad (6.2k)

On a day when he is taking a break from Heaven Castiel is captured by the order of the Royal Court aka King "Dickbag" John Winchester. He is forced into servitude as a . . . nanny?

This has a very interesting premise! An enslaved angel having to work as a nanny? Great! Castiel is captured by king John (a douchebag) and tasked to watch over Dean, which he does, over the years. Until Dean himself becomes king.

Choice and Precious Vessels by justabrain (11.2k)

In a world where angels wear collars to suppress their powers and are subservient to humans, a young Castiel finds himself serving a family with two young boys, Sam and Dean. He soon befriends the older of the two, yet all good things must come to an end.

Another gen, Cas whump one. It’s a sad story in which angels are slaves and even though Castiel’s situation improved when he is being bought by the Winchester family, Cas still isn’t treated with dignity. And while the story promises a happy ending and it does have a happy ending, my soul wasn’t quite soothed. ;w; All the damage had been done and nobody makes reparations for it. But despite the sadness I do think it’s a great read!

the worst week of dean's life by jhoom (1.7k)

Dean’s son is driving him crazy.

Super cute, poor Dean is so frustrated because he can’t get his son to call him dada.

Moonlit Sky by hollyblue2 (1.1k)

They'd been busy on their actual anniversary, so Dean decides to make it up to Castiel.

A soft and fluffy story, good for the heart!

Dean's Carol by BurningTea (17.9k)

Dean has learned that a hunter can't have close friends or loved ones, not without being ready to lose them, so he decides it's safer for Cas not to be around.

Can the traditional visits from three ghosts change his mind?

Dean has to learn an important lesson! I love how it takes the story of the christmas carol and putting it into a canon compliant universe, where Dean is aware of what’s happening because he knows the story.

#Supernatural #Destiel #reading list #fic rec

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nihilismdan · 7 years

Text

for those who wait.

word count: 5,009 warnings: light angst, alcohol mentions, general mental health stuff, nothing extreme. summary: When Dan and Phil move to London and try to figure out what their relationship is and what it means to them it comes to many questions and not that many answers. Or the one where Dan gets lost and Phil waits for him. a/n: under the cut.

a/n: i started writing this around 11:00pm at night and finished at about 4:00am. i haven't written anything since december and i felt like i couldn't write anything- i had like a writers block and it was terrible. but i had this tiny little idea and this transpired.

i also attended school in london for a semester and i got lost and ended up on the overground and it was a journey to get back so based on a true story in a way lol.

Here’s the certain things that Phil knows: He loves him. He wants him happy.

And here’s the uncertain things that he doesn’t know: If Dan loves him back. If he wants to be happy.

Then there’s the smaller things that Phil knows: when Phil makes Dan a coffee it needs to have just enough cream and sugar to not taste like coffee, he ends up spilling the coffee on his pajama pants because of the way he leans on the couch. Dan can make a good green and yellow curry, but he needs help with the rice. He knows that Dan has listened to 808’s and Heartbreak at least three times this month because it was “underrated”, and he can forgive the radio stations for continually playing Love Lockdown and Heartless.

It’s sad, because it’s small intimate details about Dan that no one else knows, and no one else will ever know.

ii.

Dan hasn’t actually slept in a couple of days, and he hasn’t kept up with his subscription box or gone on any forums, he just goes on the computer to look like he’s doing something when really he’s staring at word documents, they’re blank and nothing is coming to him. It’s not just an art or a video block- it’s just. A block. He’s had it for a while now but it’s becoming more evident, that fear of… everything is seeping into his daily tasks because he’s scared and he’s lonely and there’s so many things happening and not happening all at once.

It’s morning now and there’s a cup of coffee on the table that Phil leaves because he doesn’t bother knocking on his bedroom anymore to see if Dan wants to come out. Dan takes it and drinks it cold because the noise of the microwave is too loud and he just wants to go back to his room and vegetate for a while, pretend for a couple of hours that he doesn’t exist before he tweets something mildly depressing, halfway funny, try to be something other than just ordinary, not so extraordinary Dan. People will laugh because it’s funny, and some will hate it because it’s true.

Dan still laughs like it’s the funniest thing in the world, but it’s over shared links that Phil will send him and he’ll watch it in his room, and he won’t talk about the way that Phil knows that it’ll make him laugh, and he won’t talk about the way that the video is supposed to be fails but he’ll still look at the guys that are comfortable with their shirts off and their bare chest showing. And he certainly won’t talk about the way that his eyes linger a little longer, and he’ll close the tab and find something new to laugh about.

iii.

They have friends in London, surprisingly, no one really believes them, but the audience always liked to pretend it was just Dan and Phil, when Dan always said they’re just Dan. And just Phil. Separate. But they have friends. And they come every once in awhile, they bring beer and they bring wine and someone will bring the cheese even though Phil hates cheese and Dan will look over at Phil and they’ll laugh respectively, because they both know, and it’s the small things like that Phil holds onto, he just doesn’t know if Dan does, too.

(he does. he does. he does.)

They’ve watched a lot of movies, the last one was about alternate universes, and everyone is a little tipsy or drunk and trying to play it off as best as they can that they swear they’re fine. No water, thanks. Dan is on the couch, Phil is sitting on the ground, their friends are spread across their living room that still needs to be decorated a bit, the walls are plain and bare other than a few posters here and there.

“So, alternate universes- yay or nay?” her eyebrows are raised as she looks between the two who are as far as they possibly can be.

“Yay,” Phil says with a small smile on his face, his arms are wrapped around his legs, his chin on his knees.

Dan notices that he’s been in the same position as Phil and he quickly stops hugging himself before grabbing the bottle of beer that he had placed on the floor, he holds it against him like a security blanket and looks at a spot on the ground and shakes his head.

“Nay,” he laughs because his friends laugh, and they say it’s typical because in a way it is.

Dan is cynical and believes in nothing that isn’t proven by cold science.

Everyone knows that- but the idea of alternate universes is exciting. At least, that’s what they all say, and Phil is looking away and not at Dan anymore and Dan felt like he said the wrong thing because in a way he did. He has.

He’s gotten quite the habit of doing that.

“I like to think we’re all out there- happy and shit. Got life worked out.” She says this while her eyes are closed and she’s holding the red wine and Dan laughs a bit, it’s absurd to think about.

“It’s not real.” Dan chuckles, and he swears sometimes that he’s not trying to start something, most of the time he’s not, he doesn’t even know if his tone sounds rude half the time, he thinks that by laughing it’ll diffuse whatever tone he’s giving off but it never really does.

“Maybe not.” she says with a shrug, getting up, a quick sigh, and then grabs her jacket from the table, “but it’s nice to think about.” she smiles slightly as they all get up, the room got a little bit colder, and they best be going anyway. It’s late.

Phil avoids looking at Dan as he walks their guests out. Dan grabs all the cups from the living room and the leftover pizza to put in the fridge. He throws away the cheese she brought, no one will eat it anyway.

By the time Dan finishes the dishes Phil will be in his room attempting to sleep but really just avoiding Dan because he ruined the night for him. He won’t tell him that to his face, but he can feel it, all away across the hall he can feel the disappointment of letting the people he cares about down again.

iv.

London has etched it’s way into Dan’s heart. Manchester would always be special, in ways that Dan can no longer talk about, but it’s London that understands Dan’s heartbreak. He’s on the tube, he had a few meetings and a few shops that he had to go too. It’s nine o’clock and he’s listening to his music on the underground. He’s sat here for a while, watching people come and go on the tube, some are going home, others are going out for the night, there’s foreigners from America, he can tell by the way that they talk, he turns his music up a little louder as he watches the numerous stations pass him by, he’s still getting used to the transportation.

If he’s being honest, he forgot where he was supposed to stop and now he’s overground, and it’s dark and not many people got off at this stop. He follows to go down the stairs and look at the map to see where he should have gotten off. It’s quiet here. It’s eerie, and doesn’t sound like London anymore, but he still loves it, because the neighbourhood looks safe, and he does this thing where he thinks, it’d be a good place to raise a kid, even if raising a kid in London seems ridiculous in itself. The thought makes his heart twinge a little, so he stuffs it away for another day and looks back at his map.

He needs to go on the other side of the platform, he grabs his oyster card from his wallet and taps it against the machine and goes back up the stairs but on the opposite side to head back. The only sounds are the lamps and the few cars passing by. So he sits on the bench and his feet tap against the pavement and he takes a long breath as he makes a phonecall.

After a few, but long beets he hears, “Hello?” and there’s laughter in the background.

Oh. People are over. Oh.

“Dan? Are you okay?” In the background he can hear people say shh and he knows that Phil has probably gotten up from the couch now.

“I didn’t know people were over, sorr- uh, yeah, anyway.” Dan clears his throat now.

“Are you okay?” Phil asks again and then another laugh.

“Probably should entertain the guests,” Dan says with a small laugh that doesn’t mean anything, because there’s not much power or force behind it, no real emotion, and Phil has grown quite accustomed to that kind of laugh. It’s the kind of laugh that you do when you’re trying not to cry.

Dan can hear rustling in the background and then a door close.

“I think they’re alright. They ‘bout downed our wine we saved,” Phil doesn’t use the term ‘we’ or ‘our’ with Dan regularly, but it was special wine that they brought from Manchester, and that may not mean much now, but it meant a lot at the time.

“I’m just in my room now,” he quickly says after, and Dan can imagine Phil moving the strands of hair from his face over slightly.

“Okay.” Dan says, and the tube should be coming soon but this night hasn’t been going that great for him. “Um, I got lost. I’m okay now- I just uh…. Yeah. Got lost.”

“Happens to the best of us, I guess,” Phil’s laugh is gentle.

“Nah.” Dan says, shaking his head even though Phil can’t see, “Just me. I wasn’t paying attention,” It’s not that bad out here though. It’s a little cold, but Dan has his sweater and jacket on, he has enough battery life for his music and he’s not that far away from home.

“Right.” Phil’s voice is light, and he can hear moving around in the bedroom, what Dan doesn’t know is that Phil is laying on his bed and holding onto his pillow. “Did-” Phil starts to speak, and it’s always so hard, because what are they anymore? Can they have conversations like this anymore? “Did you have a good day?” his voice gets extra quiet at the word day, Dan is about to hang up, he thinks.

Dan is shocked with the question. He shouldn’t be. It’s a perfectly normal question to ask a friend. Are they friends? In the sense of the word yes, but there’s more weight to it than that.

“I--” Dan’s jaw slacks, he’s looking at the bag he has set on the ground and he takes a deep breath. It’s been awhile since Dan has had a good day, and today was just…. Another day. He woke up the same, he ate breakfast, and went on the internet, and then he left, and it was a normal day. It wasn’t a good day. Just normal.

“It was okay. It’s just a day.” The tube is pulling up to the platform now. “Tube is here,” grabbing his bag from the ground.

“Okay.” Phil sits up on the bed now, knowing he has only a couple of seconds before Dan hangs up again, but the only thing he can think of saying is this, “Try and not get lost again?” It’s a question, but Dan’s mouth starts to twitch before he realizes the weight of that question even if there wasn’t meant to be any. He breathes through the phone, a confirmation that he got his message, and he hangs up.

Dan’s better at being a host, he’s trying not to say what he feels all the time, and picks and chooses his battles wisely. He drinks more wine than he does to beer because he swears red wine “gets him there faster”. It’s a social lubricant but it helps during times of distress that he feels when there’s a group of strangers in his house that go by friends.

“I love going back home to family,” she says this time, nothing about alternate universes, but the subject this time is about as bad as the last one. Dan can’t help but smile, shaking his head a little as he gets up and pours more wine into his glass.

“We have this tradition of going out and finding a new ornament to put on our tree, I have about- oh, god, maybe twenty-four. Yeah, that’s about right, that’s my age right now,” she chuckles.

He drinks more.

His family doesn’t really do traditions, but as people go around talking about their family traditions he wishes he had some that were worth noting and mentioning. The only tradition his family had was getting a tree and eventually putting ornaments up, and it was normally his mum. She didn’t ask anyone to help her put the ornaments up with her, she just did it to get it over with, and then she would put some lights on it and call it a day.

Apparently, one of their friends parents make a special roast after putting the tree up, it celebrates unity, and Dan doesn’t have much of that in his life. Even though his body is warm he feels so cold. The harsh reality that his family doesn’t do much for anything nibbles away at his insides.

If Dan starts to talk he might slur on his words, but at least he’s acting appropriately; laughing at rather unfunny things, nodding his head in agreement to family things that he’s never had or felt, and tapping his fingers against the couch to make it look like that he’s fine, he’s fine, he’s fine.

He wants to leave them with something to remember, but Dan stays quiet as Phil walks them out of the apartment like he always does, because Phil is a gentleman, because he actually hugs them when they come and hugs them when they leave. He’s a consistent friend to many.

Phil comes back to the living room where Dan drunkenly sits and he starts picking up the messes that they made.

“I- I, uh, almost said, maybe in an alternate universe-” Dan shuts his eyes for a second and then opens them back up and Phil is staring at him intently, “maybe in an alternate universe, her and her parents don’t pick out ornaments together.” he looks up at Phil from the couch but he can barely concentrate on him since his vision is a bit blurry.

“I’m glad you didn’t,” Phil smiles sadly at Dan, his fingers go out to touch him but he drops his hand and ends up moving hair out of his own eyes.

Dan and Phil were a series of almosts.

They could have been great. They were great- but they could have been better than great.

“Me too.” Dan gets up and he sways and Phil grabs him by the arm, waiting for Dan to push him off for touching him. Though there’s a little leeway off camera. It still makes Dan uncomfortable. Yet, when Phil grabs Dan’s arm, it doesn’t give Phil’s palm that burning feeling he used to feel when he touched Dan, there’s no real emotion to touching him now, it’s just like a dull feeling, something that’s been touched too many times to even recognize it anymore, and he doesn’t know if that’s a good or bad thing.

“Let’s get you to bed,” Phil tries his best to lead Dan to his room, and he notices that even the distance of their rooms fits their current situation. Because that was truth wasn’t it? They had always been close but never close enough. They were almost there, only a few inches, spaces, between them.

Dan’s head hurts badly and he shouldn’t have drank that much tonight but he couldn’t help it, or maybe he could have, but he didn’t want to. For once in his life he wanted to feel a little out of control but even when he was drunk he was so hyper aware of everything surrounding him. He still knew that he had to change out of his clothes he was wearing if he really wanted to sleep and be comfortable, but for the sake of tonight he crawls into bed, Phil helping him get under the covers and he pulls them up. This is around the time that Dan would say he’s not a child, because he’s not, but he doesn’t feel like starting something and going to bed hurt and angry.

And as much as Dan didn’t want to admit it, Phil was a part of him, in every sense of the word, in every way, they picked up things from each other that they didn’t know that they picked up from each other, they had the same friends, and had the same taste in foods and tv shows and books. They went to the same places together most of the time, and still ate dinner together sometimes, even if Dan ate on the couch and Phil ate at the table. And there were times that Dan would look at Phil and think of that second of almost, or the way that his eyes twinkle when he’s talking about something that he likes, and maybe this was the alcohol, but he knows its repressing everything that he’s been feeling for so long, and it won’t come pouring out tonight, he has a little self control, but he can at least think about it.

“I drank too much,” Dan moans into his pillow, and Phil is still in the room, sitting at the edge of the bed in complete darkness. Phil rests a hand on his leg, sort of, very lightly, but he can’t feel it because of the covers, or at least he thinks.

They both knew eventually it would happen. They’d be stuck in a moment they couldn’t exactly get out of without one of them leaving, but Phil wasn’t leaving. Dan was right with Phil being a consistent friend. Thick and thin. They’re sitting in Dan’s room, and the only thing that you can hear is the nightlife outside their window, a group of teenagers yelling at each other about places they’re going to try and get into- a siren driving to an emergency. Phil thinks of all the moments that they had gotten drunk together and ended up being tangled limbs in the morning, and Dan would hold him for a couple of hours, counting freckles and moving back hairs from eyes.

It felt like a lifetime ago.

It’s a painful thing to know so much about a person and not really know anything at all. The future was something that never really terrified Phil, other than maybe dying, he wanted to live forever, but maybe not forever anymore if it consists of useless knowledge about the one you love. Who may or may not love you back.

If only they were strangers again- maybe they’d do this thing right.

Dan is trying to get comfortable and Phil gets up from his spot on the bed.

“Maybe Dan in an alternate universe isn’t drunk, or, you know- maybe he is, but, he’s happy. He has family traditions, and he was the one who said it tonight. Except you know, it’d be twenty-two ornaments.” Phil quietly says as he reaches for the door.

He doesn’t know if he’s hearing things, but he swears he hears: maybe.

vi.

Dan is looking at other apartments, somehow their apartment fluctuates from being too small for Dan or too big- depending how his mental health is that day. He knows that getting an apartment won’t fix it. He’s not even sure if he’s able to get an apartment just by himself and be able to make the monthly payment. He’s had a lot of time to think about it, but he trusts the realtor he found, and he’s just looking.

He meets with the realtor at Starbucks, and he gets a Caramel Machiatto, and finishes it by the time they get to the first apartment. It’s actually not that far from where they live now. He throws the cup away, sticks his hands in his pockets because it’s still so bloody cold. She’s making small talk and he keeps on thinking of how much better Phil is about talking to strangers and knowing what to say and what questions to ask.

The realtor talks about previous owners, she talks about how beautiful it is for it’s price, and she talks about the view, and if he were to ever have a pet that it was pet welcomed. She’s talking about things that he doesn’t quite understand yet because he’s twenty-two and he knows that he needs to understand a lot of this stuff but he’s still as lost as ever, so he nods his head and leans in like he understands what it means.

By the end she asks him if he wants to see one more and he tells her he’s had enough for the day- but she’s given him a lot to think about it, which is true. The London weather is terrible this time of year and it’s raining again, he pulls his hood up and walks to the bus stop. Earbuds in and his oyster card ready to swipe he leans against the pole. He can’t imagine himself living anywhere else but at the flat that he shares with Phil, but he can’t stop thinking about that night. Because while Phil thought he wasn’t aware, he knew, it had always been different with Phil. He didn’t want to push him away because he didn’t want him to leave. He knew that he had a lot of underlying problems that he had to deal with. He knew that there were issues that needed to be worked out, but he didn’t know how to try and fix it, he didn’t know if he could. Dan didn’t want to ask for help either, because he figured if it was meant to be- if it was important enough- it would work itself out. Yet, he knew he didn’t really believe in fate, it was something that people told other people to help them feel better. But he didn’t know how to explain Phil.

The sounds of the bus braking tear Dan away from his thoughts, he follows in the orderly line into the bus, swiping his card and he walks up the stairs to the second floor of the bus and sits at the very front, his feet resting on the bar in front of him and he leans back in his seat as much as he can, it doesn’t help that he’s tall, but he tries to get comfortable and he closes his eyes, letting the music take him.

He doesn’t realize that he’s dozed off until he feels someone sitting next to him, his eyes snap open and the bus is full of people now than what it was a couple stops ago. He looks at where they are right now and he’s not even sure where he is. Again. He sighs, getting up and walking down the stairs and the bus starts to move again and he holds onto the rail as tight as he can, in a couple of minutes the bus will stop and he’ll get out and assess where he needs to go.

From what he’s seeing he needs to take the underground which is not too far of a walk from where he got off, he looks for a crowd that seems to be going the same way and follows them. The streets are wet and cars are flying past him and his ankles are soaked at least. Without thinking about it he’s already pressing on Phil’s name in his contacts, because as it turned out- the first person Dan wants to call when he’s lost is Phil.

(he has yet to figure that part out.)

Phil answers a moment later, and Dan sighs annoyed at himself.

“Phil, I’m lost again,” he runs a hand through his hair, trying to stay far back away from the group but be close enough as to not lose sight of them.

“Again?” Phil chuckles softly on the other line and Dan’s can’t help but smile a little bit.

“What were you doing?” Phil is at home right now, editing a video, and they don’t really tell each other when they’re leaving the house, they just go.

Dan takes a deep breath and turns left with the group and can see in the distance the underground sign. “I uh, well, I was looking at apartments,” He regrets looking at apartments once he said it. Because it meant a lot of things. And he was trying so hard to not hurt Phil anymore. He was trying to be a better friend. After all the things that Phil had done for Dan, he’s looking to get away from him because it’s easier for Dan to concentrate, and he thinks of how fucked up that is.

“But um… it was unsuccessful. It didn’t really mean anything.” That’s one of Dan’s favourite phrases lately. Phil’s heard it a lot this year.

Yet, he knows. He knows why he probably went to look at apartments. Phil wasn’t the only one feeling it too. Whatever that feeling was- it hadn’t had a name but it was a presence all on it’s own. Phil doesn’t say anything and Dan is just breathing into the phone and he can hear Phil doing the same. It was for a single moment back when they used to fall asleep on the phone with each other. They didn’t have to say anything to know that the other person was there and that they were listening, even if it was listening to the sound of the other breathing. It was sad in the way that they wanted so badly to just. Live together to actually living together and Dan not crashing at Phil’s and sleeping and taking all the covers, to having his own room, to looking for a new apartment.

“A lot of things you say don’t mean anything, these days,” Phil doesn’t say this with a bitter tone, but Dan can hear the sadness in his voice. It’s the same kind of sadness when Dan suggested they start sleeping in their respective bedrooms, the same sadness when he said they should go on a break indefinitely.

And well- Phil was Phil, and he agreed to it.

Dan sighs again, and he’s trying hard not to cry, he’s balling his free hand into a tiny little fist and taking a deep breath, somehow it gives him a sense of control. He’s biting down on his lower lip so hard it starts to bleed a little.

“I know.” Dan quietly says over the phone, the drizzle of rain starts to become more prominent but Dan knows that the water on his cheeks isn’t from that- it’s from him. He sniffs a little and shakes his head, telling himself to get a grip.

They don’t speak for a long time, well, it felt like a long time but it was only about a minute and Dan was getting close to the tube station.

“Hey, Dan?”

It takes a lot out of him, hearing Phil’s voice, because he had memorized it over the years, when they first started talking, he could predict what he was going to say with the tone of his voice, having heard all of it over hours of skype and talking on the phone when they were out and about; it was the kind of voice that felt like the first few moments of spring, a beautiful pink and purple sunrise to be woken to after days of rain. It sounded like hope and promise.

“Try not to get lost again. I’ll be here waiting for you when you get back.”

Dan takes another breath, slowly exhaling, closing his eyes for a second, nodding his head. Phil is the first to hang up this time. And that’s okay.

Phil was waiting for him.

When Dan got on the tube he thought a lot about the concept of alternate universes and why he was so against it in the first place. Maybe because at the time Phil was for it so that meant Dan had to be against it. In truth- Dan liked the idea of alternate universes. He liked the idea of there being different Dan’s in different universes and that maybe he was happy in them, like Phil said. Maybe things worked out for him in the end. Maybe he was someone else. Maybe he ended up with Phil. Maybe he didn’t. Which got him to thinking about Phil and why he was for it- maybe Phil believed all along that they’d end up together. He was waiting for him, after all. Maybe he was waiting for him in the other universes too, not just this one. He’d like to think that the Dan and Phil’s in all the universes made it out okay- and that they got to achieve all the things they wanted to achieve. And were in love in all the ways they were, and are, without all that pain and hurt.

Because at the end of the day everyone wants someone to talk to. Someone to be able to come home to regardless of circumstances in the past, present, and future. Someone to love and be loved by. And for Dan that was Phil, who was waiting for him while he figured himself out.

When the tube came to a halt Dan checked to see if it was his stop and it was.

It was time to go home.

#phan #phanfic #phanfiction #phan angst #light angst (well what i think is light lol)#i tried my best editing this but im so delirious rn #i did my best pals

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