#asking me to do a math problem they thought was easy and i couldnt do it and i could tell from the way they talked about it | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

d0un0m3 · 1 year

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Recovery

recovery. what does it mean to you?

i dont know what it means to me and to be honest i dont know what it is. i "recovered" from self harm by ridding my body of the normal, the things that belonged. my favorite foods. my favorite drinks. and instead of helping me and taking away fear, the fear of myself instead it created more fear, fear of things around me, fear of thoughts, fear of food, fear of health, and fear of life. it took away my love for my childhood snacks and sparked my love for death, for change, and in a way for myself. ive never loved myself but somehow when i saw the number go down, when i felt the number go down, when i got up and couldnt see i felt a new kind of love and i felt like i was doing something right. i knew i never actually recovered from self harm but in this way it didnt leave a scar. did something wrong? dont eat. it was so simple and such an easy fix that not much people saw and not much peole judged for. in this way i wasnt crazy anymore i wasnt a monster, i wasnt mutilated.

today i was walking home from a walk after smoking a new found flavor in my life and i wasnt physically hungry but i was hungry and i asked myself "would it be okay to eat?" and the question kept repeating as i was trying to think. it was 50/50.

yes, its always okay to eat as long as you dont abuse the food but for some reason half of me was like "of course not you already had breakfast, youre not ACTUALLY hungry, why would it be okay to eat that is a privilage. what did you do to deserve it?" for some reason it sounded and felt like it was basic knowledge to NOT eat. but of course i can eat. right? duh right? why is it also like i cant all i want is a cup of yogurt, 80 cals. easy math not much.

my eating problems came from being a monster. i monster i my families eyes became a monster in my eyes. i didnt want to be able to hurt another person. i wanted to be free from the hurt i cause. and now i plan to recover but that brings two problems

1 where will i get these feelings out, how will i cope, how will i survive in the person i hate most. will i turn back to the scars if i do this?

2 what if i become a monster again? what if i become scary, what if i become scary to myself again?

i want to be scary so nobody ever hurts me again but what if i hurt other people in the process?

what do people do in this situation

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citrinecoven · 5 years

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I need to get some things off my chest...

For the last 2 months I have been in school taking a web dev course, i came from working in retail for 8 years straight and was hoping to change my “career path”. But all kinda sorts of weirdness are going on in my school... Before i start writing about the weird stuff that goes on in school, i want to say that I have realised on my own that web dev is not for me. I need something a bit more creative, a bit less technical... maybe web design? who knows... that’s not the point. I’m just saying this to preface that school didnt make me “give up”, it just helped. Right so... I go to a school for adults that teaches lots of techie stuff like web dev, app dev, ui/ux design, etc... They use a lot of more modern teaching styles, one of them being that they heavily rely on self-learning. They also focus a lot on the job market, meaning school work is done the way it actually should be done if you were a web dev in a company.

The school also requires a 90% attendance rate in order for you to receive your certificate at the end of the course. The catch is tho if you are 30 mins+ late, you get written down as having missed a half day of class. if you are 1hr+ late, on paper, you have missed a whole day of class. So if you have really bad luck with traffic/trains/busses a few times, you could essentially be f*cked... So first day we all agree that we should text our group chat when you’re running late, just a sign of respect towards your teachers and other student. ✔️ -Cool, i definitely agree with that. This works wonderfully for the first 2 weeks, everyone is texting when they’re running a bit late and so is the teacher. Then one morning, my comrade students and i are waiting for our teacher but he’s already 10 mins late... no text... and he ended up being 2 hours late. And the next day again... This keeps going on for a while... people pay a minimum of 10k for these courses and after i got a bit fed up i did the math and turns out for every hour we don’t have a teacher in, we each lose aprox. 50£. But hey, i have a friend who works at the school so i decide to talk to her about this issue. she’s very understanding of the issue and tells me she’ll bring it up during their next staff meeting. but she says she’s sure all they will answer is that “well this is a course that is heavy on self-learning, this is what they signed up for”. 🤷‍♀️ -Fair enough lads, but hey a text like we agreed upon couldnt hurt then maybe... Then things get a bit weirder, we are in a building that houses many different companies and there is common areas with a kitchen and seating, meeting rooms etc... suddenly all the admin staff, including my friend, are sitting in the common areas all the time and my friend lets me know the school will be moving theyre renting a new building. the admin staff will already be moving there in a week so they didnt renew the rent for their offices. The next week comes around and admin are still sitting in the common area, my friend complains because they promised theyd have the keys to the new building by now and could start moving their offices. - We’ll come back to this later it’s a few days after this or a week maybe? and we all receive an email where we get asked to rate our experience at the school so far. We get all the students togheter and we get told by one of our instructors “fill out the score email, oh btw you need to rate atleast a 9 if you’re having a good time, anything below that is not acceptable“ Another student and i look at each other and make a weird face, because why are you telling us how to rate our experience? Anyways i get petty, ask them if it’s anonymous (it was) and rate them a 5 and tell them i’m not impressed with (at this point) teachers being late everyday without letting us know and using self-learning as an excuse.💁‍♀️ From the next day on, i follow class from home via video call for about a week because my lumbago+sciatica had gotten rly bad. near the end of the week my friend texts me “hey, has someone come in and talked to the class yet?” and i’m like “oh hey, i havent been in this week bcause of health issues so i dunno?” and she tells me she doesnt work there anymore and my brain is just like “??!🤯?!?” She goes on to explain to me that she had been working so hard, hitting all her targets, so when the big bosses came in and called her into a meeting room she thought they were going to praise her but instead what she got was “you’re no longer needed” together with almost all of the other staff...🙃 So i get back to school, my back is a bit better, i ask students about those ppl that came and talked to them and so basically the school is calling it quits. Now i only have a front-end web dev course, one of my friends in school has a full-stack course and now they won’t be receiving the back-end (or second half) of their course and finding a back-end web dev course is not going to be easy and will be very expensive. And throughout the day i hear so many other students talking about this and freaking out over what theyre gonna do... so we’re the next week, monday was a bank holiday, tuesday morning i go in and i’m there all alone... so i text the group and apparently theres no class today because there’s no teachers available... so i text my usual teacher to see what the plan for the week is and basically he can’t find any guest teachers and we’re essentially off all week unless anything changes (it didnt) so at this point we haven’t had class for a week, this is a short course, a week of missing information is critical... However in that week i’ve realised that this just isn’t for me, i don’t have the right way of thinking and problem-solving, it’s a bit sad but it’s fine. if it’s not for you, it just isnt.

and guess what... it’s monday and i’m in my bed writing this petty review of my school experience because there’s no class again... I have so much more to say but this is already so long...

#personal

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sundayswithshan · 5 years

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190407

i didnt bring my laptop to ultra so i couldnt write last week feelsbad

but bruh. ultra blew my mind. even tho it was kinda like fyre fest 2, i had a great time and it really just built my love for the genre and lifestyle even more. i saw some of my favorite DJs and some unexpected surprises as well. and i got to be with my brother so it was a great time. i found out i like k?d a LOT more than i thought i did. and now i bought merch. its bad help me

i feel like i never hear from you anymore. what are you up to? are you okay? i miss you. you feel distant.

i guess as far as life updates go, i worked a gala last night that was 20′s themed, so they had us dress as flappers and pour wine and stuff. such easy bank. it was basically promotional modeling for a millionaire. the best part is that the said millionaire found out i’m a mermaid and asked me to work as live decor for his next black-tie gala. i mean, this event is at a $16 mil mansion. its insane. so, i get to be paid $300 to swim in a millionaire’s pool. thats insane. the only problem with it is that.. the gala is the day of the san holo concert. so idk what to do. i cant miss seeing san again. and the other show i could make is sold out. im gonna have to see if san and his team can pull strings for me. since its redrocks they might not be able to, but i know they can get me onto the guest list of sold out shows for his actual tour.. idk. we’ll see what happens.

i also got curious bc i would love to produce music so i downloaded a trial of FL studio and found out i dont suck. im hella generic but i was able to make a solid house beat in like half an hour which isnt bad for a literal first time user. so look out world.

OH YKNOW WHAT ELSE i did the math on my livestreaming contract and DAMN. my check for last month should total to around a thousand bucks. for a month. because its the flat rate of $450 plus my follower bonus of $150 for hitting 1k in a month plus my ~61k donated points which translates to another $500 bucks that i pocket. so apparently im making a liveable wage from this casual streaming. i’m also in the top 10 for an event right now, which if i win top 10 i get a customized avatar in my likeness for viewers to send (like the v app stickers) but its exciting that i’m so successful!

anyways i have to get going. i have to start on my midterm research for a bit before meeting my fight partner to rehearse our unarmed fight and single swords. im so busy today. miss ya.

-shan

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better not - louis the child (i discovered them at ultra and they are the SWEETEST PEOPLE and this song is so wholesome. you cannot be sad when you hear this song) crashing - illenium (i cried on the front rail for his entire set) boom - tiesto (my garbage favorite) violence - ian munro (STAN BITBIRD GOULDIAN FINCH) raindrops - fytch, captain crunch, carmen forbes

#sws: happy

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fuckyeahbiotechnologystudent · 6 years

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bad day

I didnt really want to post this but I decided to do.

Last week on Wednesday morning I got my test results and it was like 23% so I didnt pass it, so bad beginning to my day. Then we solve some Chem-Math problems and I couldnt concentrate at all for the topic and everyone knows the answer and I didnt. Prof asked me to come to the whiteboard and solve the problem and I was lost, I didnt know whats been going on so she let me sit on my seat and asked the other girl in my class to come and solve it. She did it perfectly and I was feeling so miserable, so stupid and so unuseful. I thought that day cant be worse. Mistake. Then on my organic chemistry lab we did crystalisation of benzooic acid. It was really easy. Everything went okay but then I had to add water to the cooler. So I did but a little bit of water spilled straight into the hot oil bath underneath the aparature. So it started to burn, squirt. Everything included my textbook was in oil and I was so miserable. I got tears in my eyes and all of my classmates was staring at me and the prof run towards to me and I felt like shit. After this I came to my dorm room and started crying. I literally got mental breakdown. Included my school problems and love problems. I dont wanna talk about my love problems cause it would make me cry again so. That was my day last week.

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