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subject-2-change · 1 year

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28, 38, 49 for the ask game!! ❤️

28. an unusual song that’s your favorite?

Verbatim - Mother Mother. It's a whole ass mood and also makes me think of my D&D character (Scratch)

Hypnodancer - Little Big. It is so silly and maybe my all-time favorite music video

38. what’s the meaning behind your url?

I was changing my AMV YouTube handle after nearly a decade. I put in "Subject to Change" as a placeholder. Never changed it. So it kinda stuck. I love the irony of my online moniker being consistently "subject to change". I will not be changing it. (Unless it is for a bit)

49. what scents do you like?

Classic things like rain and fresh bread. Also the typical sometimes ick things like gasoline and tobacco on someone's clothes. The smell of the pizza at the shop I work at. It makes me so fucking hungry all day.

Very long, specific smell story under the cut: tw death

But the most sentimental smell is this specific vanilla spray that this older woman who owned a vintage shop used. She would spray it on the paper she would wrap the clothes in (in a very careful and specific way) and the smell would last months, lingering in the closet if you kept the paper in there. She would, of course, ask consent of the customer first.

Her name was Nita. She was an incredible woman, talented and open minded. She was an award winning designer. She sold discreet lipstick pipes, she was super body positive, she would design anyone in anything saying her shop doesn't care about gender or sexuality. She was once perusing another shop, and the owner shooed a homeless man out, who had collected solid perfumes and wanted to sell them to her. Nita looked at the woman and put down the hundreds of dollars of stuff she was going to buy, and said, "we don't shoo human beings." She followed the man out and said she'd buy the perfume from him. He said "how much would you pay?" And she said "how much do you need?" Nita had stories like that for all sorts of stuff in her shop (early supporter of small businesses, crazy stories, vintage pieces, etc.) I learned them all when I worked for her.

She was the first job I had after returning to LA post... a lot of life stuff. It got me out of my mom's toxic household. It got me the job at the pizza place I'm at now. She set me up with my partner of nearly 2 years now. I already knew him, but she really showed me just how much he adored me. If I would believe anyone had any sort of spiritual future telling abilities or "sixth senses", it was her. She would read people as soon as they came in. Like she could see into your soul.

Nita had gone through so much hardships in her life. Family was Holocaust survivors. She was living with lung cancer. But she didn't take care of herself enough to be on the transplant list. She kept her oxygen tank hidden behind her desk in the shop. As we got to know each other, I told her about my mental illness. One her brother had. He recently passed. We have the same birthday. I told her I've been on medication and therapy for years, and taking care of yourself is super important. She started using her oxygen tank regularly. After being there a few months, she admitted to me why. "I don't want to be attached to a tank. I'm not weak. But seeing you be so strong, even though you ask for help-- because you ask for help-- it made me realize I need to get my shit together, huh?"

There was one day we were packing up late after a special client had a wardrobe pull. She was exhausted and her oxygen tank wasn't sealing. Any time she'd turn the knob, the air released rather than going through the tube. It was her last one on her. She started panicking, which didn't help. I had 911 dialed in case she passed out, and tried to fix the tank. I managed to rig it (basically this screw wasn't sitting right in its indent, and I manually manipulated it with pliers). She called me an angel and gave me this gorgeous shirt that looks so much like the top for my angelic D&D character (which is very near and dear to my heart).

Nita got on the transplant list! She was due for new lungs. It would be several months, but she was going to get the surgery. I eventually couldn't continue working there because I picked up more time at the pizza place which was frankly just a LOT less emotional labor and I'm not pressured to sell so much as serve. It was only a block away so I'd go in to see her regularly.

One day, it was only her husband and this douchey guy working. He was better than me with sales, but was super pretentious. Like I said, she was an award winning designer. I was the first person who worked for her because I liked her shop, not her name. Nita was at home sick. She had caught covid. It wasn't particularly bad, she wasn't in the hospital, but it wasn't... ya know... good. A few weeks later I found out from her friend (my partner's employer. He looked good one day and she sent him straight there for an interview) that Nita had passed. She was too sick to pass her check up, and she would not be healthy enough for the transplant. It was the first death of someone close to me I had ever experienced. Her shop is closed now.

Her husband gave me a bottle of that specific spray she kept in the back (the last new bottle he had left). As I said, it lasts months, so I still have plenty left. I keep a scented piece of tissue paper tucked into the drawer with my angel shirt. I get to wear it twice a week when I play the character, and it smells of this vanilla buttercream. It always makes me think of Nita.

#answered #ashstrashbag #sorry for the sob story but that one has a visceral answer for me

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