#apparently the ship name for fangs and toni is fani and I’m laughing so much

[crazymisscarly]

on today’s episode of essay-length hot takes nobody asked for:

So I freak out and internally implode whenever ~bughead~ doesn’t let their ship set sail as much as the next person, but I’ve been (over) thinking about it and maybe doing all this weird ‘everyone breaking up and going to the person they dont really work with’ is actually a good thing in the long run.

Not saying I like it, in fact I have approximately seven fanfics that deeply demonstrate HOW MUCH i don’t like it, but this is the canon storyline we’ve got.

Since the writers clearly want to drag it all out for as long as possible because they… want to (their choice, its their work of art, we can only glare at it from afar), perhaps they’re trying to go full circle and prove that couples like bughead, varchie, choni and even kangs are the ones that will work out in the end.

here’s my reasoning:

Yes, I have scrolled as fast as humanly possible through my dashboard to avoid the jughead and tabitha gifs, and earlier today learned that they sang ‘perfect for you’ and my immediate reaction, after I’d finished mourning their platonic friendship, was just *vomit emoji*. But, then I saw the lyrics to perfect for you…. And it sounds like Jughead is trying to change himself into being someone ‘perfect’ so that tabitha will like him. That just doesn’t strike me as either healthy or long lasting. He shouldn’t HAVE to change himself to be in a relationship with Tabitha. Get better, yes, because he’s recovering, but change himself??? They were good friends, they worked well as a team, but in none of those interactions did he try to change himself to make her happy. So why is he now??

And take Fangs and Toni for a moment - they just had a baby together, and they’re apparently in love after one episode (hey if it works for barchie and veggie then why not -.-), but really, aren’t they doing this because they work well as a team and are starting to think ‘maybe we can be a perfect little happy family’???

And Veronica and Archie (won’t lie didn’t watch the musical ep so can’t be sure) broke up because they see themselves doing different things in life (?) and veronica wants to go back to New York. And she wants to work on herself (valid)  and for some reason goes back to Reggie the sister-swapping gigolo next ep (whom she made THIS face at when she found out:

But I digress.)

With this in mind, I would assume Veronica is fearful that, like she lost herself in her relationship with Chad, she’ll lose herself in her relationship with Archie because he isn’t a big time New York City high roller like Reggie must want to be. So she’s hoping that maybe Reggie, who she works well with in a team, could be the one for her.

Now, Betty and Archie…. My soul shivers with cold despair as I even type this, but let’s humour them for a second. Archie is upset that veronica has left him, betty has been shown to use sex as a coping mechanism to avoid her trauma, makes sense they might start their FWB situation again, right??

Except…

Betty is devastated by the loss of her sister and needs to stay in Riverdale, Archie needs to stay in riverdale because he has 673 jobs there, and both of them have shit they want to move on from or be distracted from - they’ve been shown to work well (dare i say it?) as a team, and they’re apparently good friends with each other, so why not give dating a go since their first choices (and make no mistake, Veronica is Archie’s first choice and Jughead was Betty’s first choice) are unavailable and they’re both depressed, traumatised and lonely??

So this should all be just fine and dandy, then right?? Everyone’s happy with their friends-to-lovers relationships, they can frolic blissfully in Pickens park with the loves of their lives shouting “Go teamwork!” Because this is the height of passion! Right??

No.

None of the above mentioned ships have achieved anything more than showing that the characters are SETTLING for the relationships that are ‘second’ best because they’ve come to the conclusion that this is safer than going for the ones they really love. You can’t get burned by your second choice because they don’t hold your heart in their hands - after all, you haven’t truly given it to them.

So if all goes to what I think (hope) is the plan, then by the end of this mysterious 5 episode event, most of these ships should have realised that their relationships are all just relationships of convenience. They aren’t passionate about each other. They are trying to force themselves into a ‘perfect’ relationship that suits what they think they need.

But inevitably: 

Betty will realise that nobody understands her like Jughead. Nobody else lets her feel vulnerable and shows her its okay to open up. Jughead will realise he doesn’t have to change himself to suit a relationship, and he and Tabitha can still be friends - Betty accepted his darkness for what it was, and he loved her even when she showed him hers.

Veronica will realise that she doesn’t have to give up being who she is, even if she chooses to live in Riverdale. And she doesn’t need to be with another Hiram-Lodge wanna be - she loves the small town boy who tries to be good rather than rich. She sees the value in his desire to help others, and HE sees her passionate nature and refusal to give up when she knows something is right!

Toni and Fangs will part amicably as happy little coparents, and i’m sure Kevin and Cheryl will eventually sort their shit out - what’s beautiful about these four though, is that they’ve been working on themselves all season and have actually spoken to each other a fair bit. I’m not even going to pretend to know whats up with Cheryl, but she at least leaves Thornhill occasionally now, and while I don’t know how its going to happen, i’m sure kangs and choni will rise.

On that note, fangs still doesn’t know kevin wanted to win him back, so that can be some actual tension between the characters in the coming episodes.

So where does that leave Tabitha and Reggie?

I can see it going two ways:  1. Tabitha franchises pops diner and moves back to Chicago where she doesn’t need no man, and Reggie keeps being a little philanthropist car salesman (possibly still hooking up with veronica’s sister) 2. #Teggie rising??? 

They’re both very driven people, both business-minded, both excited about the opportunities life has to offer AND they’ve both been shown to be incredibly ambitious. 

They’ve hardly interacted this entire season…. Maybe the writers are Saving a sneaky little surprise for when all the main ships get back together??

We can hope.

Anyway, I wrote this instead of an overdue essay (a real one for my masters degree) so i’m gonna leave my theories in the tumblr void for the time being. Let me know what you think :)

#riverdale theory #riverdale spoilers #riverdale season 5 #bugvarchoni #bughead #choni #kangs #varchie #teggie #fangs and toni #veggie #betty and archie #sorry i can’t tag ‘barchie’ it sickens me #endgame theories #apparently the ship name for fangs and toni is fani and I’m laughing so much #my thoughts #riverdale #jughead and tabitha