#anyways i might delete this later but ive kept quiet as much as i can for a long time and its getting frustrating | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

captainimprobable · 4 years

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This photo popped up on my Facebook memories and I nearly lost my gd mind. Everything under the cut is depressing so don’t click if you don’t wanna be bummed out

This is from Mother’s day, May 10th, 2015. At this point I had been breaking down every night for a month, taking Ativan like it was candy, because lower doses stopped working since I took them so often. I dropped out of college during finals week instead of just waiting for the semester to be over because I didn’t know if I could make it through another week. 3 days after this picture was taken, I checked myself into the hospital. It was a planned check in, preemptively done so it wouldn’t come to a place where it would be an emergency. I stayed for about a week, and when I got out I wasn’t cured or anything, but it had been the restart I needed to start working to get better. 2015 was the Year From Hell for my me and my family. (So far, it’s still beating 2020. Like. That many bad things happened in 2015.)

I spent most of my recovery alone, aside from my mother. I had friends, that I loved and who I knew loved me, but when someone is going through something difficult and you don’t know what to say, sometimes you just say nothing at all. Not to mention I kept all this very very quiet. On the outside I looked fine. I’ve been told by many, many therapists that I’m the only patient they’ve ever had who can fool them into thinking things are great even if I’m wildly depressed, and my friends weren’t trained, so. Nobody really knew. I’ve been working my ass off for five years. A year after this picture was taken, I graduated college. By the end of that year I got my first job. It took me a long long time to get to a place where I thought I could actually, maybe be a real person. I was finally planning to start my career, which was going to lead to me moving out. I was finally, FINALLY, after 7 years of trying and failing, going to travel to japan. And then Covid happened. And here I am, five years to the day later, feeling the same things I felt then, completely rewinded, like the past five years just haven’t happened. We’re back, babes!!!!!! We’ve returned to the Shit Zone, no feeling good allowed!!!! We’re back to having to take everything minute by minute, sleeping a lot and popping that Ativan again because I can’t stop crying. I’m fucked, my dudes. Every year I’m so proud of how much progress I’ve made since May 13th, 2015. But right now all I see is the same pattern, the skipping work, the spontaneous sobbing mixed with being Totally Okay Somehow for a few days, and I’m alone again, because quarantine means nobody knows when we’re all gonna see each other again. On top of that, i have nothing to look forward to since cons are cancelled. Cons were basically the only thing I had..which I guess is shitty and lame, but it gave me an outlet, it was a place where I could be super gay and not worry about where I am, I was surrounded by people like me and not here, in my religious town, where nobody is like me. (I am the Queen of the Drama Queens. Wow.) So all I see in front of me is the same thing, nothing, forever. But hey the smores frapp comes out in two weeks!!!! Thank god. I dont know what I would do without the smores frapp. (This is serious. Im not being sarcastic. That shit is GOOD) Posting this is incredibly embarrassing for me because I’m not usually this open when something is wrong, but this picture popped up at an exact moment I was freaking out about something and I just had to do something. So now, on top of everything, I’m severely embarrassed and I feel about three inches tall. Hi up there guys!!!! Things are great down here, I’ve managed to corral a spider and now I have a way of getting around without walking everywhere, so that’s rad. Sorry if you think less of me. Surpriiiiiise Ive been a loser all along!!! I’m used to being vented to but the other way around...doesnt.....make sense??? Like, this feels illegal. Was this too much information? I straight up Do Not Know. Anyway, thanks to the few people who know I’m losing my mind and have helped. Also I’m totally safe yall, that’s not something you need to worry about, I promise. idk wtf this post is for. actually. i might delete it like. soon. bc this feels Wrong and like Im crying for attention and i am a small helpless child. And Im not. But. Ill see. God this is bad if people see this they’re gonna think less of me but Im supposed to be this big advocate for mental illness on facebook, so I wanted to be honest, but I couldn’t get myself to post it on facebook so I’m putting it here and. Idk. Sorry.

#jaytp #HELLO HELLO REMINDER THAT I AM OK AND SAFE #i dont think anyone thought i was cool before this but well #if someone did this will kill that quickly #i am baby

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veins-of-ink · 4 years

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it's been almost a year since we last talked and I still miss you

I can't forget your face or the music you loved or the way you traced the scars on my arm on the bus or the way you talked

I still talk to you in my head

Tell you about my day and I know exactly what you'd say

Or at least what I'd wish you'd said

I kept your number and our conversations for a long time

a reminder of how little you actually cared

you'd pretend you did but you barely paid attention to me

I doubt I cross your mind as much as you cross mine

three years of our lives you were my everything

and I doubt I was even significant in yours

remembering how little you talked to me makes me wonder if you cheated more than I even knew

you claimed you didn't want to hurt me so you wouldn't tell me what was on your mind

you wouldn't let me be there for you even though that was all I ever wanted

all those nights I risked everything to try to keep you alive in whatever way I could

the thought often passes through my mind that you might be dead and it would be my fault

I know at least part of that isn't true but it doesn't stop me from wanting to try to find something, anything about you yet I dread it I dread reading your name in an obituary in that godforsaken town because it would mean I really am alone

you can't be the one that knows me best anymore not with how much I've changed I know that but yet it feels like I gave you so much of myself I can never give to anyone ever again

the changes have probably not for the better though I've always defined that by what you would like

maybe I should let my hair grown out into my natural color and really let go of you of the little choices I used to push you to make for me so I'd feel like you gave a shit at all

I wanted to be cared for like I cared for you and I cried in her arms thinking of you and then let her have me anyway

I wanted you to push me as much as she did to let me give you even more but I could never push you to that not even knowing as little as I knew then and in some ways at first I saw you in her

quiet and kind and someone I could help

but she turned out wilder than I could handle and maybe she could feel I was always thinking of you

it's easy to say she was too much but maybe it was that she was too real after all you'd given me was a mask

you told me you only gave me part of you that I'd always have to share you and it fucking broke me after I'd torn my heart out for you left behind everything that was if not safe at least comfortable for me thinking at least I'd always have you but you didn't want me you just wanted it all to end wanted someone to use for that

and I don't blame you and I don't think I ever will

not after all you'd been through

how could I expect all of you

how could I expect to be enough for that

not when I was only a husk I'd hewn together for you anyway

maybe that's why it doesn't feel like I have a purpose anymore

I made myself into this for you and you didn't keep me

and now I just want so desperately to find someone who this thing I've made myself into is right for knowing it was only for you

I don't hurt myself anymore

at least not in the ways I used to

now ive fallen into all the habits I begged you to stop smoking drinking and wandering the streets late at night

maybe I understand a little better now why you did them

I wonder if you're still alive if you're still with him

if he was something you could actually want

you wanted me to get to know him and I couldn't

I couldn't face how unfixably different I knew I would be

I always trust I can get through anything change myself enough to survive it on my own

I can't ask for help now pushing my body to it's limits when I know I'm breaking it despite all the help I know I could get if I just. asked.

yet I just want yours just want you to wrap me up in your arms again and hear you laugh and see you smile that shy smile and pretend for a moment you love me in the way I always wanted you to and you never did

I can fool myself into thinking I'm over you sometimes into thinking I don't have this gaping wound in my chest the size of your hands

your hands that I still remember the feeling of

calloused fingertips from guitar beautiful long fingers I wanted wrapped between mine or combing through my hair

I thought I would come home and burn the picture of us from that one perfect night but I can't I can't ever get rid of it I can't ever get rid of you in my mind I miss you so much every day I regret not knowing how you would've grown how youd be going into college now and I still think about those silly promises we'd make to each other about the apartment we'd get together and we'd still be just as fucking broken but we'd have each other and we could work toward getting better as long as we had that

I still remember your username even though now ive long had you blocked and I can't stop myself from fantasizing about sending you a message and yet I haven't in a while because I know you wouldn't want me back not now not after I left

you left me so many times and yet I always let you back in can't I have that just once can't we go back to that

you made me feel the worst I've ever felt but yet I've never felt as happy with anyone as I've felt with you and on the rare times you'd give me attention no matter how scripted it felt like I was fucking glowing nothing could bring me down and I'm so desperately chasing that now any way I can and I know I won't find it ever again no matter how much I want to tell myself I will

I still listen to the songs you listened to when you were sad and I don't cry I don't think I have any more tears left to give you but god I feel so empty

I know no matter how much Ill want to delete this later that I'll keep it because it's so hard to remember how I felt without writing it down and without that it's just like looking back on us where I have no idea if my perception is anywhere near reality or if it even matters

god I want nothing more than to be able to do it all again and somehow be enough for you or maybe to have never met you at all and not known that absolute joy of your attention after you ignored me for so long

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