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mybumpbirthandbeyond · 4 years

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Sticks and Stones

To all the women who comment on how feed my baby, or ask whether I'm due another, or pass judgment when my baby is put down in the changing rooms and can’t keep their comments to themselves, this one is for you. After all, why seek advice from those close to you or those you trust, when you can be offered unsolicited and unwanted advice from a perfect stranger?!

I never used to care what people think. Yes I would get annoyed or pissed when someone said something and probably have a rant, but I was brought up to be polite so most of the time was so shocked if someone was rude, I was stunned into silence. Since becoming a mum, I hate this part because now I constantly seem to wonder what people think. He screams when I burp him ‘I promise I'm doing this to help him.’ I give him a dummy - ‘that will cause problems with his teeth and speech;’ I put him in on his own early and I started weaning him earlier - ‘that’s not what the guidelines say.’ Why do I care?! I’m Cailean’s mum, I know what’s best for him and it’s up to me.

Most of the people I refer to in the introduction are, sadly for them, old boots as I like to call them. In their 60′s plus who believe they have a right to comment or judge. They don’t actually do anything to help or support, they would prefer to give their opinion or even criticise. Take for example an instance at Waterbabies. There are around (or were) about 8 of us in the class. All mummies who have babies no younger than 12 weeks. Whether it’s our first, second etc doesn’t really matter. Now I have been extremely lucky to have Alex there 6/7 classes so there’s someone in the water with Cailean, and then the other person dries him. I’ve only been in the changing room dripping wet and trying to get Cailean dried and dressed on my own once. Most of the mums in my class have done that every single class and I take my hat off to them - you’re wet and freezing but you don’t even look at a towel until the baby is dried and dressed. The changing room was practically empty and I decided to try and put the swimwear in the drying machine. Cailean was in the middle of this central part of the changing room which was circular and we used to change all the babies. I was 1, maybe 2 feet from him watching him the whole time.This old lady then raised her eyebrow at me quizzed me on ‘is he not rolling yet? I wouldn’t be leaving him like that.’ As my mum pointed out, why couldn’t she have offered to watch him to help me?! Knowing I was on my own?! I was quite blunt: “No he’s not and I’ll worry about that when he can.” My polite way of saying sod off you stupid old woman!! In the same changing room a week later, another old cow reported my friend to the manager for putting the nappy in the wrong bin. I mean really?!?! Give us a bloody break!!!

There is a lot more about social media now about ‘bump shaming.’ People commenting on the size, shape etc of a pregnant woman’s bump. “You’re tiny;” “You’re huge;” “Are you sure it’s not twins?!” “You’re going to go early.” I always got the latter three but I wasn’t particularly bothered as I knew I was big for my frame. The irony is, I was on track to have a 7lb 10oz baby on the 7th of April, and that's exactly what happened. An average size baby (though quite long) born on his due date. However, as much as I liked my midwife, I think I've previously mentioned that she described my bump as weird. I was certainly a bit uneasy with this description, given my midwife is close to retirement. She suggested that this might be the way I carry all my children. When she saw me after Cailean was born, she said she couldn’t understand where he was hiding, as it wasn’t as if he was particularly small. It didn’t really occur to me that the ‘big/weird’ bump would actually cause me any real problems.

If I was described as ‘star’ in labour, then I can only be described as an epic failure in postpartum recovery. Everything had gone so well, there had to be something to bite me on the ass.

I think I previously mentioned I was seen by two community midwives the day after I came home from hospital. One was clearly more experienced than the other. While she saw to Cailean, her colleague checked me. When she felt my stomach, she frowned and went to get her colleague. Her colleague felt my stomach and gave a nod - “yes you can feel all the way down to the intestine and bowel. Were you told about muscle separation?” I explained yes but only at 36 weeks. “I'll drop in a tubi grip for you to wear during the day until your 6 week check.” I asked do I have to see physio? “No this should be fine until you see your GP but if you do, they’ll refer you.” Okay then.

I had been experiencing back pain which is no doubt caused by the lack of abdominal muscles to support my lower back. As I have described, I have a diastasis recti which is where the abdominal muscles have separated due to pregnancy. The abs are the only muscles designed specifically to separate, in order to accommodate a baby and the uterus during pregnancy, The human body is amazing and I don’t think you fully appreciate how amazing until you’ve been pregnant and given birth. However, sometimes the muscles don’t return to normal after pregnancy and leave a gap. The gap is measured in fingers - how many fingers are there between the left and right side post birth. It’s also measured in depth.

As you can probably guess, mine is massive. It wasn’t measured accurately until I saw physio and did a 121 Pilates session. I could tell it wasn’t great when I was in the bath - I could put my hand on my tummy and it just keep going and going down as I pressed. It seemed to have a life of its own in the water but hearing from the midwife that it was all the way to my intestine was rather shocking. I knew I couldn’t do anything until I saw my doctor at my 6 week check and hoped they could tell me more.

Just for anyone who has high expectations for the 6 week GP check - being the only check you get specifically for you and not your baby - don’t. My GP didn’t have a clue why I was there. I was allocated the standard 10 minute appointment everyone gets, and I had to tell her what I wanted checked. When I said I wanted referred to a pelvic health physio, she seemed to not know how to do this. She said ‘I suppose I'll just write a letter?’ You really do experience the best care during pregnancy and labour and immediately after birth. After that it’s all downhill from there!!

I didn’t want to any exercise at all until I had seen a physio. Lots of people offered advice and exercises they did to reduce the gap etc, but I wasn’t prepared to do anything until I was seen by a professional, as I wanted to exercise safely. I had hoped to see my physio in July (3 months after I gave birth), but had to wait until the end of the month. I had booked a 121 Pilates session and was told some things that were safe to do. It’s all relative, but that instructor assessed me at 5 fingers, telling me it was likely to be 6-9 months minimum to get back to normal. It would be a long process but I would probably benefit from joining a class with the owner who was post-natally trained.

I saw my physio shortly after. Her assessment was even more grim. My gap was 7.5 FINGERS WIDE and not just that, very deep. She could get her hand pressing down past her knuckles into my stomach. She measured it from the top to the bottom where my uterus would have been. She even brought another issue to my attention - I had an umbilical hernia and my belly button would now stick out until I had it fixed. I felt like I could cry. Yet another issue that was rearing it’s ugly head now I had given birth. Oh and the likelihood would be I would need surgery, but a General Surgeon would probably only agree to do it after I had finished having children. It might go down as my stomach did, but might not. Fabulous!

She said given how bad it was, this recovery would be at least 9 months - 1 year to try and get the gap closed as much as possible, as there was no guarantee it would go back completely. She asked was I not seen on the postnatal ward, and why was I not referred by my midwives. I explained it wasn’t even really picked up until weeks before I gave birth and then I was given a tubi grip. She was disgusted. It sounded like I had been royally shafted, judging by her comments. I should have been seen at the hospital, and at the very least, I should have been referred by my community midwives and not had to wait until my GP check. A tubi grip (unsurprisingly) had done very little if nothing at all for me and she was appalled. I told her how I thought I had a strong core, considered myself a fit person and had no idea why this had happened. She told me that despite how bad the separation was, she could tell I had strong obliques (the muscles on the side of your abdomen) and despite how strong I felt my core was, it could happen anyway. She asked me what I did at the gym and what I wanted to get back to. I explained I regularly did HIIT and cardiovascular classes and exercises. I think given the way I had fallen through the net, and my clear fitness prior to my diastasis, she immediately told me she would see me the following week but would give me exercises to do in the meantime. It was almost like she wanted to get me started as quickly as she could to get me back to recovering. I was to do the exercises 4 times a week, then also go to my Pilates class.

She also measured my stomach. 90 cm circumference, even 3 months after giving birth. That hurt. I always had in my head that I would be one of the people who sprung back to my original size post-pregnancy. I hadn’t put on any weight other than my bump and although it was massive, I genuinely was all bump and nothing else. People I saw who put on loads of weight were literally in their jeans pre-pregnancy a couple of weeks later. I have no idea if this is coincidence or not, or whether this plays any part in it, but I've found anyone I know that has a C-section seems to be back to their pre-pregnancy size quicker. It may be pure coincidence of the people I've met, but that’s just my experience. As they say though, every pregnancy is different, so even with the same mum, two pregnancies might be entirely different.

The following week when I saw my physio, she measured me again and I had already gone down 2 cm in tummy size to 88 cm. She said the gap was still as bad, but that wasn’t unusual given it had just been 1 week. She said the tension even from standing appeared better. She gave me a few more exercises and I was up to 6 exercises within a week. When I saw her next, I measured 86.5cm and the gap was slowly starting to close. It’s still massive across the middle, but dropped to 3.5 fingers at the top, 3 at the bottom, and was still measuring 4.5 in the middle. This is just going to be it now for the foreseeable future - physio every few weeks and exercises and Pilates every week.

Sometimes it’s too much to do physio and Pilates in the same day but that’s unfortunately when all my appointments fall due to my physio’s hours, coupled with the only Pilates class that had any space. Pilates has been great. The instructor is so knowledgeable, and has taken the time to really know my treatment from the physio so she can modify my exercises in class accordingly. It is frustrating however. I did boxing training, body combat, functional, circuits etc previously at the gym. I could do full press-ups, planks, sit ups, the lot. Now in Pilates, any time I hear the word ‘plank’ or ‘engage your core’ I sit still until I get my own exercise. Don’t get me wrong, I have to engage my core, but I can’t overdo it because essentially there is no core there.

I’ve been asked if it hurts. Generally, it doesn’t. However, there are times, like with any muscle worked, I can be easily fatigued, or I can get cramps after working hard. I can’t lift anything too heavy. (Try telling that to my growing baby!!) When I engage my core, I have to draw in as much as I can but cannot do anything to the point where I lose the connection. I once tried to do table top into toe taps. Basically I was lying on my back with my legs above me. I was to drop one leg so it was almost 90 degrees and stop. I misunderstood and did alternate toe taps. I’ve never seen so much panic in my usually very chilled Pilates instructor. I clearly wasn't meant to do that!! That’s how frustrating it is. I can’t even do alternate toe taps!!!! When older women (well into their 60s) are doing planks, and I'm told to do hand hovering, I struggle mentally with that. I hope it’s not forever, but I'm impatient to get back to it.

I have just had my most recent physio appointment and I'll be honest, I've been in a bit of dark cloud. This was the biggest gap between appointments since I'd started physio - 4 weeks. I was determined to break the 1.5cm deadlock. I hadn’t managed to make any of the Pilates classes but to make up for it, I had done my exercises 5 times each week. For some reason before my appointment, I felt nervous. I had to take a few minutes in the car before I went in to tell myself to chill the hell out. When I went in, my physio did her usual measurements of my actual stomach. 0.5 cm. WHAT?!?! I couldn’t understand it. She then got me on the bed to measure the gap. No change. WTF?!?!? I felt like I'd been punched in the stomach. I was gobsmacked and said I didn't understand how this could happen. This just didn’t make sense. I asked her the question that has been weighing heavy on my mind since I started. Would l ever get better, or was there a chance I could stay like this? When she confirmed my worst fear I felt like I'd been hit by a sledgehammer. That wasn’t what I wanted, nor hoped to hear. She looked at me and told me to blurt out what I was thinking. I just sat with my head in my hands refusing to believe that this could be happening. I asked if there is any chance that the delay in being seen had contributed - she thought it probably had. I swore inwardly. I had been royally screwed over by the very people who I couldn’t praise highly enough during my labour and birth (not those specific midwives - this is completely nothing to do with them). She asked me to go through again who checked me the following day. I told her bitterly how it had all been about breastfeeding and then I was seen by student midwife (!) who only checked to see that my uterus had contracted before I was discharged. I asked (though I already knew the answer) - could I see a PT who was postnatally trained? She shook her head. Could I use a stronger theraband with more resistance? She shook her head. Could I do anything other than the exercises? She shook her head. I could have cried. She asked me if I planned to continue with Pilates and I said yes. She agreed it would be beneficial, but at this point, how beneficial we don’t know.

My physio is now trying to get me an ultrasound to accurately measure the gap. During the appointment she said it might be the case there is significant herniation preventing the muscles from coming back together. I certainly have an umbilical hernia, but she now considers there might be even worse underlying issues. She also thinks I might need to consider surgery to fix the gap. That is major abdominal surgery which has a longer recovery time than a Cesarean section (12 weeks I believe). The key thing is I can’t have it done until I ‘finish’ having children. We haven’t confided in many people when we want to have more kids but she is one person I've told based on the fact it could impact her treatment. She is adamant this won’t happen again, because she will see me antenatally, and I'll likely be in a tuba-grip from 12 weeks of pregnancy onwards. I will continue doing exercises, antenatal pilates, and likely be taped. Postnatally, immediately after birth, I'd be seen at the hospital by her or her colleague and then treated again. However, despite all of that, there is chance the gap could be even bigger this time, depending on how much we can reduce it now.

She told me there is a band I could wear but it may not do anything at this late stage. I’ll be honest I'm still in shock. This all just happened yesterday. I didn’t cry in the appointment but got back to the car and just sobbed. How could my beautiful baby boy have caused such a major physical problem? He wasn’t massive, he wasn’t ever really in a bad enough position, there was only one of him. My physio thinks being slim, I have narrow hips so Cailean being 7lbs 10oz was big for me. I told her I don’t want to look pregnant when I'm not pregnant. Short of making a sign to hang around my neck, I'm sick of the comments, I'm sick of the looks people don’t think I see them give me when I walk past, as their eyes flick to my stomach. She too has been in my position but she doesn’t look pregnant. She pointed out it’s clear I've always been slim so it looks more obvious on me.

She basically told me, she has no idea if the treatment I get will work, and if it does, progress will be very slow, but we’re going to carry on. I’m just finding it very hard to feel positive or even have the motivation if it stops working. My appointment yesterday turned out to be more therapy than physical therapy. Due to the comments recently, I've had quite a bad few weeks. She suggested apart from the referral, she thinks I should see someone about it. I told her I knew there was a team for birth trauma. Basically, if you have a traumatic birth, you can speak to the consultants/midwives that looked after you to get clarification, closure and to talk through what happened to try and process things. I asked my physio if there was such a team that might be able to help me. My birth couldn't have gone better if I had planned it - but the physical impact that has since been missed is without doubt starting to impact on my mental and physical well-being. She pointed me in the direction of Patient Relations initially. I don’t particularly want to complain about the midwifery team but at the same time, I don’t want it to happen again, and I don’t want it to happen to anyone else. I’ve already had a confirmation email to say this has been passed to a Patient Relations Officer. I’m hoping to discuss my postnatal care with this person and find out what can be done so I don’t go through this again next time.

Separately, I've been having issues with my episiotomy scar. I think there is scar tissue causing me sharp pain and have been referred to Gynaecology. I have been told, they may laser it off or even fashion me another episiotomy and then stitch me again. Fantastic!

I don’t want anyone to think I'm ungrateful. Cailean is 100% worth everything that has happened to me. I know there are worse things than what I'm going through - I've been through worse things in my life. It’s just that this is soul destroying for me at the minute and after everything I've already been through, I don’t think anyone would blame me for feeling the way I do. At this point in time, I cannot be gracious to those women who just jump back to their previous size. People complain about stretch marks, or excess skin or their new body shape. I’m sorry but I would kill for that right now. I look pregnant AND I’M NOT!!!

This has all happened within the last 48 hours. If my ‘recovery’ has shown me anything - when it rains, it definitely pours...

#newmum #firsttimemum #postpartum #postpartumrecovery #diastasisrecti #postpartumbody

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