#anybody irl always just says ‘well other people did x/it was your decision to y/etc

[cannot-copia]

just applied for the job i had during college and honestly it feels bad man

everyone I know is actually accomplishing things with their life, buying property, getting promotions, getting their masters etc

fuck, even my cousin who is several years younger than me and has very little to no college (aka doesn’t have student loan debt) just got a management position at a fortune 100 company and is now making more than 60k

And where am I now?

Couldn’t do my job at the big company I was supposed to work at, where I had insurance and got paid enough to actually pay for things

all I do now is feeding horses and basically just putting them in different places 4 hours a day 6 days a week for less than what I made ever since I started working and living off that and what’s left of what I had accumulated in my 401k at my old job (that im gonna have to pay thousands of taxes on for taking it out too early im sure) and therefore fucking myself over for the future- everyone always says start young well I did and I’m too fucking useless to function without wanting to remove my skin apparently so I fucked that up

And yeah it was just an online application so I don’t know how likely it is they’ll even respond and hire me again but I feel like I am going backwards

I did what everybody always insisted I had to do

i went to college

i got a “real” (office) job

i got more than 25k student loan debt I have not been able to make even a dent in

and what do i have to show for it? even worse mental illness? A piece of paper that said i went to college? Crippling fear of answering a phone? an extreme hate for the way I look now?

and now im (at least attempting) to go back to where I was before all that bc that’s the only place i can think of will hire me, to a job I did not enjoy whatsoever, where I am going to have to explain to the high schoolers that would be working closing shift that I will have to do after the morning job like yeah i left here 3 years ago for a competitive job that paid twice as much at one of the (apparently voted) best employers in the city that everyone wants to work for but I threw it all away bc im a useless fucking idiot and now I’m back here working fast food watching all these people who will go to school and get the jobs they want and not fuck it up and actually be successful and move on with their lives

it just,,, it doesn’t feel good

i feel like I’ll never get anywhere so what’s even the point

#and I know you’re probably thinking oh well you have horses you must have plenty of money etc #thing is i work at the place i keep them i do not pay regular price or I would not afford them at all #I’ve only ended up with as many as i have bc at my old #job i made just enough to not be negative every month #and now I can’t get rid of them because I am afraid to talk to people and ended up very attached to one we got with the intention to sell #after a few months #and the other we have had for 10 years now but she would need to be consigned somewhere to get what she’s worth #which requires /talking to people/ #so while I previously could just about afford them I can’t now unless something majorly changes #once i run out of what’s left of my 401k i will not have the money to pay for them #yes i know buying ghost tickets with that was an idiotic thing to do but it temporarily made me happy #which is also another reason i want to try to avoid getting rid of the horses if at all possible #sounds stupid but at this point without them there would really be no point in being here #they’re the only reason I talk to anybody at all these days and they are capable of making me happy #im sorry i feel like i have been complaining on here a lot more frequently lately and i don’t think anybody wants to see shit like this on #their dash but i don’t really have anywhere else to say things #anybody irl always just says ‘well other people did x/it was your decision to y/etc #the shitty insurance I have now does not cover anxiety/depression things I have not been taking any and I have a feeling it is not helping #delete later