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a-cai-jpg · 4 years

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frailty, thy name is woman! (HAH)

So the other day, I was ambushed by a group of tiny puppies.

I was in the park, breathing some fresh air and sunshine for the first time in a long, long time. I sat on a grassy hill--notebook just recently closed and resting in my lap--staring blankly at the amphitheater beneath me and suddenly, I hear barking to my right and felt something nudge my thigh.

Not gonna lie, I almost screamed and whacked the puppy in the face.

They were three beagles(?), bounding around the hill because, according to their owners who respectfully stood 6 feet away from me, they hadn't left the house in a week.

(same.)

Anyways, before they came to say hi, I was listening to a sad, acoustic playlist and writing down notes about women.

(it's not weird if u don't make it weird)

That morning, I had woken up thinking about women's issues.

Sexism is not exactly the social issue I'm most preoccupied by. It's prominent in every aspect of life, but because I've been fortunate enough to be sheltered from most of it, the sexism I experience is very subtle and difficult to pinpoint. I grew up in a primarily female household with a lot of strong personalities, and only recently did I begin to take note of the almost indiscernible power dynamic between the men and the women.

So, most of my life, I've just been kind of cruising along, with this vaguely gender-less persona that only started to shift some time in university.

A friend once asked, "How do you know that you're a woman?"

I think this was during the same time I was taking a philosophy course about theories of sexual differences, and so all my thoughts were kind of meta and hypothetical. My initial thought was, uh what do you mean like of course I know I'm a woman that's what I've checked on all the forms. But then I thought about it and I was like. Bruh.

Bruh.

The reply I gave her, I feel like, was unsatisfactory and very personal. I didn't want to fall back onto gender norms, because that was so obviously a cop-out. Furthermore, I feel like I didn't experience a lot of the stereotypical "what it means to be a woman." AND, the definition of "adult human being" was too inadequate.

So, how do I know that I'm a woman?

At the time, I gave her a pretty sloppy answer about internalized misogyny, and I'm not going to pretend I have a better answer now, but I think I've broken it down to two main points.

Number one: I know I'm a woman because I'm constantly in competition with other women. I view women as my primary competitors. Very rarely do I see masculine-presenting individuals as competition, even though technically, all of us are competing for resources, prestige, or whatever it is we seek. Sure, you can play a probability game and say it's all statistics, but I think there's an aspect of misogyny as well.

Number two, I know I'm a woman because I feel anger and indignation on behalf of other women, internalizing it as a personal offense, even when I myself have not undergone the same struggle.

It's the same criteria I think of when I ask myself how I know I'm Asian American. But, in the racial aspect, there's a third criteria, which is the reflexive self. I feel that other people see me as Asian American, and therefore, I am Asian American. For some bizarre reason, I didn't experience the same reflexive self when I thought about my gender.

I think it was this lack of a reflexive self and vaguely gender-less upbringing that pushed me to declare, very loudly, in the middle of a science classroom in highschool that, "I am not a feminist."

(I could self-psychoanalyze and come up with a million reasons why my upbringing was gender-less. It could have to do with the fact that my primary caretakers were women, so there was no other for me to reference, and thereby, no juxtaposition between women and men. It could have to do with early, internalized misogyny that caused me to push away things that identified me specifically as a "girl." It could also be that I'm incredibly not self-aware.)

(I stand by the statement that contrast is necessary for identification, though.)

Anyways.

I remember when I said those words, my best friend looked at me with exasperation and a classmate looked at me with disgust. For good reason.

At the time, the word "feminist," to me, had a lot of negative connotations. I equated it with the "feminazi." I didn't buy into sexist ideals, but neither did I understand the angry, seemingly unnecessary reversal of gender roles that "feminazis" were proclaiming.

And my friend patiently explained to me that no, you don't have to be a feminazi to be a feminist.

But see, even that in itself is anti-feminist, isn't it?

We were, again, drawing lines for what it means to be an acceptable woman--an acceptable feminist--and what it means to be an unacceptable woman.

Why is there a negative connotation to the term "feminazi"? Why is there a negative connotation to the term "feminist"? Isn't the term "feminazi" in itself misogynistic?

I think it has to do with the fact that the general culture is uncomfortable with women stepping beyond what their gender roles have prescribed them. The culture has moved in a direction where it is acceptable and almost expected for women to be feminists, but being a "feminazi" is still frowned up.

This might seem very obvious to some, but I actually haven't thought about the term "feminazi" in a long while. So, to make sure I actually knew what a "feminazi" was, I pulled up the Wikipedia article. Here are a few words used to describe a feminazi:

a committed feminist or a strong-willed woman

radical feminists

see as many abortions as possible

militants

quest for power

belief that men aren't necessary

well-intentioned but misguided people who call themselves feminists

the term came to be widely used for feminism as a whole

marginalize any feminist as a hardline, uncompromising manhater

hate men

dogmatic, inflexible, and intolerant

an extremist, power-hungry minority

I've never met anyone who fits that description, though [Limbaugh] lavishes it on me among many others

bossy, hating men and femininity

hyper-vigilant to perceived sexism

vindictive

puritanical

The term was apparently, popularized by a dude named Rush Limbaugh, and I'll be damned if I let a man determine what kind of feminist I am.

Maybe I am biased because a militant women's group seeking to overpower the patriarchy sounds pretty lit and like good material for a new Netflix show, but like.

Tell me again why it's not okay to be a feminazi.

(my primary reactions to the list above are: "i wonder why," "sounds ok to me lol," and "who the fuck are you to say")

ANYWAYS.

"Feminazis," according to Mr. Limbaugh (who even is this guy) is an unacceptable way to be a feminist.

He is a man governing what it means to be a feminist (again, who the fuck are you), but let's be real, there are many women out there who draw similar lines, maybe for others, maybe for themselves. The popular "Am I not a good feminist if I __________" questions in themselves are anti-feminist. Once again, it is a show of how women are policing themselves and each other.

I'm not big on philosophy because I can't understand most of it, but Foucault made the assertion that policing and discipline in a modern society lies with the self, or an invisible, anonymous power embedded in society.

(Ok, I'm going to be honest, I didn't want to read through 30 pages of feminist theory and I barely understood the four pages that I did read, so if I'm wrong, don't hate me.)

In other words, men and women become the gender police for themselves. Even as women gain more rights and freedom, they continue to police themselves in a new way, like asking themselves what it means to be a good feminist.

(Bartky introduces the argument that there needs to be an upheaval of social norms to end the policing.)

(And okay, so, the more I read Bartky's Foucault, Femininity, and Patriarchal Power, the more excited I get, so I'm gOiNg To StOp mYsElf hERe.)

I ask myself this question often too.

Am I not a good feminist if I express vague disapproval at someone who switches boyfriends every other day?

Am I not a good feminist if I am grateful for men opening doors for me or offering to grab my suitcase for me on the plane? (I'm 5'2 okay, I have to stand on the seat sometimes, it's embarrassing.)

See, I appreciate chivalry and I don't think chivalry is dead because what does that even mean, but I also recognize that chivalry isn't the same thing as gender equality or liberation for women (or dare I say, liberation of gender?). But, gender equality doesn't mean that women and men do all of the same things and are assumed to be able to do all of the same things. Because we, as humans, have varying abilities, don't we?

The question of what the fuck is gender equality plagued me for an entire semester and bothers me even now but I just kind of stomp on it and make it go away. The easy answer to it, for me, is a fair division of labor agreed upon by both parties, ensuring there is no abuse of power within the relationship.

But that statement in itself is problematic because it introduces a possibility of stasis, of complacency that might revert to a new abuse of power.

(It's also not one that every feminist agrees on.)

But let's return to the question of what it means to be a woman.

I wrote that contrast is necessary for identification, but I fear the statement implies that women are defined in opposition to men, which is false. Like, non-men = women. And, since gender is a spectrum, that obviously is not true. But, since gender is a spectrum, is it necessary for us to identify ourselves?

At the end of my notes, I scribbled a series of questions.

Why does it matter to me what gender people are?

Why does it matter to me what gender I am?

Is there a correlation between sexuality and gender? Especially since we are all on a spectrum for both? Are we socialized to choose? Is this or is this not evolutionarily favorable?

(I see now that the flaw in me writing blog posts is that I can't actually have a conversation about this and that's frustrating.)

(Also, I recognize that I live in an immense amount of privilege to be asking these questions and not, I don't know, fearing for my life.)

I briefly entertained the idea that women are essentially the oppressed party in the larger narrative of gender. But there are two problems with this statement. One, women are definitely not the only oppressed party. Two, everyone ultimately suffers when there is an accepted narrative.

But, the undeniable fact is that there is a common reality that people who identify as women live. It has nothing to do with anatomy, organs, chromosomes, hormone levels, brain structure, or sexuality. It is an experience that is placed upon us by the patriarchal society, regardless of whether or not we recognize it, based on how we present ourselves.

This is how the reflexive self began to develop, in Calc B, freshman year of college.

I try to talk about gender as removed from sex as possible, because I get terribly confused when I talk about them in conjunction with each other, but also because I do think there is a difference between the feminine experience and the female experience.��I just don’t really understand it.

I wrote in my notes somewhere: Gender is a spectrum. You are your own individual, gender be damned.

I don't proclaim myself an expert on this matter. These are words that chased their own tails in my mind as I tried to understand how to function in an infuriating society that constantly made me angry.

The other day, I saw a Facebook post from a stranger who was talking about how their boyfriend didn't believe women were being oppressed because even though women get paid less, men pay for dates. And this led me to think about the wage disparity and how people always tell me, well, no, it doesn't exist. It's the woman's fault for not asking for a higher wage.

And I’m just kind of like, ???

A student of mine came to me one morning, a little disappointed and a little annoyed, because he had been shut down by a fellow classmate when he made a comment about the wage gap not being an actual thing.

(the thing about talking to students is that it's a lot easier to forgive ignorance and to actually have a conversation without getting angry.)

He said that he wished the classmate, a girl, wouldn't just be all angry about it and call him dumb.

I didn't know how to respond to that then, aside from agreeing that it is necessary to have actual dialogue around important issues and asking a few questions so he could critically think about gender issues in the U.S.

But, I thought about it the morning before I got ambushed by the dogs, and I wish I asked him to think about why people get so angry talking about these matters.

I think the reason why it's so difficult to have these conversations is because--

God, imagine the privilege of not having to have these conversations and not feeling angry and humiliated because you are pulling out this vulnerable bit of you that's been attacked by Society and trying to make someone who is implicitly attacking you understand.

That's not a comfortable feeling, and adults can't even manage it so how is a teenager expected to?

The same feeling rises within myself when I talk about race and when I talk about gender. Some of it is internalized racism and misogyny, but a whole lot of it is not wanting to be vulnerable, and that in itself is a little fucked up (and maybe, misogynistic?).

See, when I feel very strongly about a matter, I expect strong, rigorous, academic debate. I want to break down the logic in every sentence and refute facts and opinions with Better Facts and Opinions, complete with citations, and I don’t want to fall back on anecdotes even though I end up resorting to it anyways.

(I am also the annoying person who would do the Hamilton thing and be like i have the honor to be your obedient servant, A DOT CAI.)

But, so often, we don't have the luxury to do that. And also, very often, we are utterly consumed by the larger narrative that facts end up not meaning very much to us.

We are all part of an accepted narrative, and that, along with the social norms that come with it, is the enemy.

Men are not the enemy in feminism, which is why men need to calm the fuck down and get behind the feminist movement. Men are also suffering from this accepted narrative and gender policing that lauds toxic masculinity.

I'm not saying there's a right way to be a feminist, but I strongly believe there's a wrong way to be a feminist. I think being a feminist means you support gender equality, regardless of what gender someone identifies as. I think being a feminist means you want everyone to embrace their true selves. I think being a feminist means you stand with every individual, and so I think being a feminist should be the default for a human being.

But if a person identifies as a feminist and draws rules and regulations for how to be one, then that is anti-feminist.

(Come at me, feminist philosophers, I'm very zen and I'm willing to listen to you tell me about how society needs to see an utter deconstruction of feminism and masculinity.)

Be you, my friend. Be you and let other people be themselves. It's not like they're hurting you by being trans or gay or bi.

Like jeez, why is that so hard.

(stop hating on Irene 'cause she's a feminist, she's fucking beautiful and i will fight you.)

I don't know, I love women. They are inspiring and beautiful, and the term "woman," as much as I've broken it down, actually matters because society has forced it to matter. And weirdly enough, as difficult as it is for me to truly identify with woman at times, I like being one and I'm proud to be a feminist.

But it's also a little scary to be a woman. There are the general things a woman has to worry about, like walking around at night or traveling alone or going to a bar alone or doing anything alone to be completely honest. But there are also the other concerns, like what does a family dynamic look like with my personality and my ideals? How do I navigate a patriarchal society in terms of work and relationships? Which values do I give up to make sure I can actually go somewhere? When do I tell a friend to shut the fuck up because he’s mansplaining? How do I respond to defensiveness without getting defensive myself? How do I ensure that my daughter lives in a safer, more equitable world? How do I ensure that my son doesn't turn out to be a misogynist? Like? Help?

(sos i drank too my caffeine and now my hands are shaking)

Feminist theory, crudely put, falls into two categories (fuck i’m literally dragging things out of my ass, i don’t actually know if this is true lol), with one firmly asserting that a feminist revolution is rejecting the societal definition of femininity and the other embracing femininity.

(idk if there are only two camps, but these two perspectives definitely exist in feminist theory ok)

I definitely fall in the latter, because I can’t wrap my head around the rejection of femininity. Like, is that not misogynistic? Camosy’s Behind the Abortion Wars uses a similar argument to proclaim abortion as inherently sexist. It strips females of what has traditionally given them power, rendering them...males. Or some version of a male.

(i’m sold on camosy’s argument. don’t misunderstand, i’m definitely pro-choice, but i have thoughts.)

See, all of this is very complicated. Sometimes I see quotes about feminist theory and it’s so intellectually exhilarating that I just have to file it away and think about it on a day where I’m wired on caffeine. But even on those days, I feel like my brain falls short on trying to understand this very meta gender theory thing.

So, obviously, I don’t hope to convince you to believe in my ideal, because I don’t know what I’m talking about. But, if you have read this far, I leave you with the same thing I said a number of paragraphs back.

BE YOU AND LET OTHER PEOPLE BE THEMSELVES.

Recognize when you are causing harm, explicitly or not.

Recognize when other people are causing harm, explicitly or not, and engage them in conversation.

(these are actually goals and guidelines for me because i have no backbone and generally just fume in silence.)

(between me brainstorming this and me actually writing this, a number of different things have come to my attention)

(one of them is the erasure of non-masculine stories in history) (and yes that's obvious, but i also watched a bunch of TedEd videos about women so it's just very salient in my mind right now)

(another is the nth room south korea scandal, and i don't even know where to begin with that)

(Disclaimer: I don’t actually know what I’m talking about but I welcome counterarguments. I also realize putting a disclaimer at the end is really dumb, but I don’t want to interrupt my non-existent narrative flow. I feel like my take on gender is too simple and not nuanced enough, but honestly, I just don’t really get gender at times? So I really shouldn’t be talking about gender theory. Yet. Here we are.)

I LOVE WOMEN.

So here is a song from a woman that I recently found and fell in love with:

陳粒 - 无所求必满载而归它让你受折磨觉得痛觉得渴 [life] makes you suffer, makes you hurt, makes you thirsty 觉得无路走无处躲 makes you feel like there's nowhere to go, nowhere tohide 无所求也求不得 even if you want nothing, you can't even have that 当我昏昏欲睡摇摇欲坠 but when i'm about to sleep, about to fall 却学会放下错与对是与非 i learned to put down right and wrong, yes and no 无所求必满载而归 if i want nothing, then i'll receive everything

(on a side note, i've done nothing but read a chinese, boys love light novel. i have read three chinese novels in my life, and all three were boys love. this doesn't seem right.)

(but also, my chinese literacy is basically at that of a fifth grader, if even, so i think it's fitting that i read some trash novels.)

(but this one talks about the psychology of sexuality and gender, and i'm all for genre novels spreading ideas about bEiNg YoUrSeLf.)

(GAH.)

#this is both senseless and aimless #but it's nice to just blergh sometimes #u feel?#skrrt skrrt

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thecaffeinebookwarrior · 7 years

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Hello! Quick question, do you have any resources/tips for writing hateful/mean dialogue? I'm having more trouble with this than I thought I would. Thanks :D

Hello! Off the top of my head, I can think of a few:

1. Allow conflict to escalate and then explode.

Unless one of your characters is entering the discussion raging mad about this-that-or-the-other, your dialogue will likely start somewhat placid and escalate from there.

For example:

“Um. Sandy,” said Leon, voice carefully level. “Can we talk?”

“Sure! What about, man?” said Sandy, smiling pleasantly at his friend.

“I, um. Feel silly even asking you this, but uh…” Leon chuckled awkwardly, then took a deep, steadying breath through his nostrils. “Did you…have sex with my father?”

Sandy blinked, then let out a nervous bray of laughter. “Wha-ha-hat ever gave you that idea, bro?”

Leon’s eyes widened. “You DID!”

“What? No I didn’t!”

“Yes, you did!” cried Leon, pointing a finger at him. “You only do that stupid laugh when you’re caught in a lie! You totally did! YOU BANGED MY DAD!”

Sandy opened his mouth to protest, then closed it in resignation. “Okay, look. Daniel and I were both drunk, it was a mistake…”

“OH MY GOD!” Leon clapped a hand over his mouth. “You fucking bastard. My parents are getting a divorce now!”

“Look, it isn’t my fault your dad can’t keep it in his fucking pants!” Sandy snapped. “And if your mom knew how to please a man, he wouldn’t have had to get his rocks off in me anyway.”

“Son of a BITCH!” Without thinking, Leon balled his fist and sent it flying.

Okay, never mind the subject matter. See the escalation there? Though there’s tension at the beginning of the discussion, both characters are calm, which makes it more interesting (and in a weird way, rewarding) when one finally explodes.

Even if one of your characters is entering the discussion angry, there will likely be a period in which their companion tries to placate them before they finally give in and it devolves into a proper, two-sided fight.

Let’s return to another scenario of Sandy and Leon’s personal drama to see what I mean:

“SON OF A BITCH!” roared Leon, storming into his shared dorm room. “YOU SLEPT WITH MY FUCKING DAD!”

Sandy, who had been reclined on the sofa reading a book, scrambled into an upright sitting position. “Wha-ha-hat? No I didn’t!”

“Yes you did,” Leon fumed, face tomato red. “You’re doing that stupid laugh you only do when you’re lying!”

“Look, Lee, I swear -”

“TELL ME THE FUCKING TRUTH, SANDY.”

The two stared at each other for a moment, before Sandy ducked his head sheepishly. “Okay, look, Daniel and I were drunk, it was a mistake -”

“YOU BASTARD.”

“Lee, I’m sorry-”

“YOU MOTHERFUCKING BASTARD! MY PARENTS ARE GETTING A DIVORCE NOW!”

“Oh, for God’s sake-YOUR FATHER’S FUCKING GAY, LEON!” Sandy snapped, rolling his eyes. “And it’s none of my business, I know, but I really have a hard time picturing that a heterosexual woman, AND A FUCKING GAY MAN, ever had marriage of year!”

Leon’s face turned an interesting shade of purple. “Why you LITTLE…”

“He should have been able to keep it in his pants anyways,” Sandy sneered. “And if your mom knew how to please a man, he wouldn’t have needed to get his rocks off elsewhere.”

That was the last straw. Leon balled his fist and sent it flying.

I’ve been watching altogether too many reality TV shows lately, but you get the point: conflict, of any sort, escalates until it simmers down or explodes.

2. Selectively use synonyms for ‘said.’

Contrary to popular belief, said isn’t dead. However, antonyms can be great mood setters.

For creating a snappy, hateful, angry mood, try synonyms like this:

Snapped

Barked

Roared

Fumed

Argued

Taunted

Hissed

Cursed

Swore

Challenged

Seethed

Shouted

Snarled

Bellowed

Growled

Sneered

Just don’t overdo it, or you’ll end up looking like that one scene from My Immortal. Yeah, you know the one:

3. Allow for pointed jabs.

In arguments, even with loved ones, we sometimes say hurtful things with or without meaning them.

When one of your characters is angry with the other, and I mean really angry, they may not be above pointing out their insecurities in a heated moment.

This can be treated as comedic fodder in some instances (i.e. generally anything related to erectile dysfunction and feigned orgasms), but in others, it can get genuinely hurtful and heartbreaking.

Let’s say you’re dealing with two characters, one of whom has abandonment issues. Maybe the other knows this, and is generally supportive. However, in a very heated argument, they may reach for it as a weapon.

For example:

“For God’s sake, Michael, it’s one o’clock in the morning!” cried Lisa, as her drunken husband staggered in the door. “It’s your son’s seventh birthday today! Did you really think now was the best time to have a guy’s night out with your poker buddies!?”

“Not now, Lise. I wanna sleep,” Michael slurred, dumping his gym bag in the corner and staggering towards the stairs.

“NO,” snapped Lisa, grabbing his shoulder and spinning him to face her. “No, Mike. You don’t get to leave without talking about this.”

“Ugh. Why do you always gotta be like this, Lisa,” Michael groaned, temples throbbing.

“Don’t you dare try and play the victim here! Do you think my afternoon’s been easy? I had to look at his little face, and tell him his daddy loved vodka more than-”

“DAMMIT, LISA!” Michael barked suddenly. “This is why your dad left, you know that!? You just can’t help but drive men away.”

Lisa recoiled as though she’d been stung. Michael felt a sick wave of satisfaction deep in his gut that he knew he’d be ashamed of once he was sober.

“Go to hell, Mike,” whispered Lisa. Tears pricked her eyes as she turned and hurried out of the room.

Mike’s an asshole, but you get the point. Also note that this exchange follows the same pattern of escalation I mentioned earlier.

These kinds of jabs can take really any number of forms for anyone with a shared history: past instances of adultery, poor financial decisions, bad parenting, or mistakes made in adolescence can all become canon fodder in a harsh altercation. The better the people know each other, the better they’ll know their week spots.

That’s why folks who don’t know each other all that well will usually settle for jabs at one another’s parentage, sexual histories, et cetera to try to get a rise out of them.

In a very hateful dialogue, usually delivered as hate speech from a bigoted stranger, this could also involve slurs towards the person’s sexuality, race, or gender, or falling back on harmful stereotypes to try and hurt the party in question; they know that it’s a sore spot for them, and they want to hurt them as much as possible with it.

(It’s worth noting here, however, that if you are White, I would recommend against using racial slurs in your writing, just as if you’re straight you may not want to use words like “dyke” or “f*ggot” out of respect for your readers. That’s just my opinion, however, and not everyone will agree with me on this one.)

I really hope this helps, and happy writing!

#Ask the author #dialogue #angry characters #alcoholism cw #writing tips #dialogue tips

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