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theloniuswomb-blog · 7 years

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Spiderman: Homecoming Can Suck My Fucking Dick.

Holy Shit. Where do I even start with this film? I wanted to like it a lot. I was intrigued by the casting of Tom Holland as Spider Man. He came off well in the Marvel Civil War movie, I remember thinking to myself; “Hey! His part was funny! Just the right amount of awkward, slash, comical that I instantly recognize as Spider Man. Awesome!” Now, I usually have doubts about any superhero adaption since the hit to miss ratio is all over the place, but this I thought could work quite nicely. I saw the trailer, and like the little whore that I am, it got me wet. Wet hot with sexual anticipation. The CGI looked impressive. The action sequences looked crisp and innovative, the tone of the shots were dark and brooding. I expected drama, emotion and a plot-line that, although may not be the most original, could perhaps come through with some good acting and a tight script; with some inspired direction thrown in for good measure. This was the package I was creating for myself in my brain. My golden goose's egg. And, much like Verruca Salt, I made a big song and dance about it to everyone, throwing glitter and sheets of colored plastic all over the room. But also like Verruca Salt, I also got hit with the trap door. A trap door that golden eggs get shat down, and so do we, right along with em; to burn for all eternity while Gene Wilder laughs at our scorched bodies. First off, let's start with the tone of the movie. It doesn't have one. It has no idea what kind of movie it wants to be. It's got this light hearted vibe when Spidey is around that feels completely alien to the murky goings on of the Vulture. You get scenes where Peter Parker is walking through the school, drooling over hot girls in the most forced and gormless way. (SPOILER: Most of the film is of Tom Holland looking gormless at everyone around him.) Juxtaposed with Michael Keaton straight up killing people in the most nonchalant way possible. It's kind of infuriating, it was like there were two movies going on in tandem and neither of them had any particular relevance to the other. I must say, Michael Keaton gave a fairly decent performance, but he could have been used so much better. I saw Birdman recently (something I couldn't ignore as a massive, quite probably intended irony of Keaton's career) and I was impressed. I had problems with that film too (But I'll leave that for another review) but overall the acting was really fucking solid. Like I say, I was impressed. But obviously, good acting doesn't matter anymore for films like this. I honestly thought the newer incarnations of Batman would have taught a lesson to the makers of these kinds of movies. But obviously not. Let's get to Peter. Peter is the most insufferable character ever. He's meant to be very smart, yet doesn't use his brain once. Not only does he not use his brain to problem solve, but he doesn't use it for introspection at all. The amount of times he puts other people's lives at risk in this movie is astounding. If this feature of the plot was used as a tool to move Peter's character forward as he matures into a new and exciting world, I can forgive this whole problem. In fact, that's kind of what I wanted to see. Progression. But it never comes. Spider Man sees bad guys robbing the bank. He attacks, not even stopping when he realizes they have incredibly powerful weapons. He carries on and ends up blowing up a deli over the street of a man that earlier in the movie is established, that he knows. Not once does he show any remorse for this horrible incident. He ruined a man's career, livelihood, and potentially could have killed him if he happened to live above the shop.

In another instance, Parker sees bad guys driving; he attacks them on the highway where loads of other people could die from all the high tech weapons going off at high speeds. He knew the types of weapons they had but did it anyway. He could have followed them to their destination, found out where the base was, who was involved in the organization and work out a plan. He could even find out the buyers if he cased them for a few weeks. But this thought never crosses Peters mind. It's just attack all problems in the face until they die. I mean fuck, this is a whiz kid of physics and science, some of the most logical shit ever. Yet he can't even think up a simple fucking plan to take on his enemies? Honestly, it's so hard to relate to Peter in this movie. You'd have to be some kind of autistic sociopath in order to find him tolerable. After a while Tony Stark comes along. Fuck me, Robert Downey Jr. couldn't give one flying fuck about this movie. And it showed like hell. His whole character in the film was just him playing himself not caring in various tropical places. I honestly believe Tony Stark represented how little of a fuck the writers and director cared about this film. He was a direct mouthpiece for the writers of the movie to say “fuck you” to the audience. Honestly, every time Parker fucked up, Tony would say “Oi, Parker, stop fuckin around!” but never explains why. He never says “Hey, you could have killed people back there! Are you insane?” instead he half asses his reasons and when Parker questions him on it he just says “because I said so.” Like fuck, you'd think after the first time Spidey fucks up, that's the time to sit down and talk. Jesus Christ should you even wait for a first-time-fuck-up in this scenario? Tony Stark, one of the smartest men alive, waits for Spidey to fuck up three times, THREE TIMES, with the third seeing spider man nearly sinking a whole ship of people due to his negligence. Hundreds would have died. It's incredible.

So, Iron Man finally gives some punishment after this. He takes away Parkers new shiny Stark Spidey Suit, to which Parker says “I'm nothing without that suit!” to which Stark replies; “if you're nothing without this suit, you don't deserve it.” or something to that effect. Instead of Peter having a moment of clarity and saying “fuck, people nearly died, I nearly died. Maybe I need to switch up my game and show Iron Man I'm more mature than this. Show I can use some strategy and grow into this role I'm destined to have and finally use my genius brain to devise a plan.” Nope. That's wishful thinking partner and you can get shot around here for that kinda talk. Instead what we get is Parker learning nothing, and him creating some kind of device that allows him to go out and fuck up even faster and directly than before. They use some kind of tracker map to find the Vulture, who is breaking into an airplane full of Stark weapons. An Iron Suit included. Now, what the actual fuck? I don't know if the Vulture knows this, but Iron Man can remotely control his suits. If one were stolen, you can bet your bottom dollar he'd activate it and cane your operation into next week. But the Vulture MUST have known that, since he remotely controlled his own mechanical wings to try and kill Parker earlier in the movie. So what in the actual fuck is this man doing? He's inviting Iron Man into his lair. Willingly. It's the most stupid thing ever. It also gives so little motivation for Parker to do anything about the situation. Once he realizes it's Stark tech, he should have left. Because Parker also knows Iron Man remotely controls his suits, there's a whole scene that points this out near the beginning of the film for fuck's sake. The Vulture would have been a goner immediately upon the knowledge of the hijacking. It's easily the most retarded part of the film. So Spidey decides to go all-in despite knowing Iron Man could easily kill this guy remotely and nearly ends up causing this plane to crash all over the city, no doubt killing thousands of people. In fact, an engine falls out while they're fighting on the plane's wings. Parker shows no regard for that at all. No remorse for the people that no doubt were killed by the falling debris. Fortunately, Spidey manages to use his webs to bend the out-of-control plane wing and steer them to safety. (Well, he crashes the plane into a sandbank.) He takes down the Vulture and leaves him tangled at the scene old school Spidey style, with a note to boot. Wow. How amazing. And he did it all without his shiny suit! He overcame so many obstacles and shortcomings, we really went on a journey there with old Petey boy there. Oh wait, that was the film I was daydreaming about while I was being shat on by this movie. Upon Stark learning of this situation, he instantly has Spider Man brought to the new headquarters of the Avengers, where he was about to announce Spider Man as a new, key member, along with an even better shiny suit. Like, what? Seriously? This kid needs a dressing down, not a new three piece. But it doesn't come. All we get is Parker declining the offer, you get a mild sense that he realizes that he's in over his head, and maybe this is all a bit much for him. But it's not really expressed very well. It all feels so odd and disjointed. I mean here we have Iron Man, the guy who cared about people dying from collateral damage in Civil War; who hunted down the Winter Soldier because he was a danger to the public, (who also for some reason killed Tony's parents,) caused a rift with the current most powerful heroes and his teammates, as he also wanted them to register their identities to an official data base to help reign them in and hold them accountable. Yet for some reason Tony couldn't give the time of day to say “Hey kid, tone it down you're getting crazy out there.” I'll stop ragging on the film soon, but before I do, I want to mention the love interest. This was one of the most wooden romances I've ever seen. No chemistry. She was called Lizzy. It turns out Mary Jane is the other sarcastic girl who makes the closest things to jokes in the movie. Which I liked, but they didn't do nearly enough with. Again, there was an opportunity for him to grow with this character, have his attention turned to MJ, have him realize this Lizzy girl was a bit vacuous and boring, while this other girl was interesting and fun. But again it didn't happen. Instead, Lizzy moves away because of plot reasons that I won't give away, and MJ is merely hinted at as the new romance for the next film. Which is fucking boring. Honestly, it's so dull. I hated all the romance scenes. I wanted to like them, I mean shit, the girl was so hot. They even get an ass shot of her in her bikini. I was like “wow these are meant to be 15-year-old kids, what are they thinking? Isn’t this inappropriate for a kids movie?” (They are not 15-year-old kids, just to clarify. But for the plot, they were). They could have used this screen time to have Peter reflecting on his Uncle Ben, or bonding with his Aunty. Who, in my opinion, should have been told about the Spider Man thing. I think her knowing earlier in the film would have been a good dynamic to use. He should have told her right away after his first fuck up. I know it might deviate from traditional Spider Man lore, but as a film, it would've been a much more interesting watch. Aunt May is such a central figure to the Spider Man universe, as is the Uncle Ben storyline, but neither are given any sort of focus. Overall this film is garbage. In true Warski style, it was Garbage. Full on trash. I hated Guardians of the Galaxy less, and that's saying something. That is really saying something. Because that movie was awful. For Spider Man I have to say: the overall plot was good, but there were so many missed opportunities that it became more like a midlife crisis by the end. The choices to make for this story seemed so obvious, it was almost like they were purposefully not taking the logical steps in the narrative in order to make this movie as painful as possible. (Because the razor wire they'd jammed way up in your ass, to the tune of £13.50 for 3D, just wasn't quite painful enough.) Fuck this movie, nobody should see it, I hope it fucking bombs in the box office. Which it won't because, like the little whores that we are, we're all just gonna fan-boy for Spidey like we always do. I honestly regret spending money on this. Don't even buy the DVD, it's not worth it.

Before I go I need to mention something else; humor. Peter was not funny. He had moments of fun, sure. But he was not funny. Peter Parker is witty. He is known for wit, not fun. Again, this could have been used as a plot device to show his coping mechanism for dealing with such raw shit all the time. He exudes wit and comedy in the face of danger, then behind closed doors doubts himself. Like fuck, is a 15-16 year old really meant to be doing this shit? Getting involved in weapon trafficking and the criminal world after his Uncle Ben being shot and killed? As an aside, thank god they didn't make us re-live Uncle Ben's death. I was glad they kept that as a past event that we didn't need to see. One of the few good touches of the film. You could say it was like wiping just a bit of shit off your arse with your finger. There's not quite as much shit there anymore, but now it's on your finger, so. There you go. So, what's my ultra biased and not subjective at all, star rating for this film? 1.5 out of 5. Some action was good, the 3D sucked, the acting sucked, the writing sucked, the CGI was good, Michael Keaton was good, everyone else didn't give a shit and ultimately it showed. Don't see this film. Boycott it harder than Isreal.

#spider man #spider-man: homecoming #dog shit

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