#and that was the coolest sounding chess move involving knights so

[lostmykeysie]

do u have any other future fic plans??

i do!!!!!!!!! i have somehow already got another longfic planned that i am itching to start writing because despite being a slow writer apparently writing two back to back wasn't enough for me!!!!!!!

it's gonna be (drum roll):

modern magical AU

remus and dorcas POV

wolfstar and dorlene, strangers/enemies to lovers

voldemort is the evil big bad as usual, with the death eaters and horcruxes and whatever etc etc

but the marauders era is actually the second wizarding war, not the first like in canon

after the first wizarding war and voldemort was defeated (not by harry obvs. he's not in this. no kids. fuck them kids) the order became the ministry's secret service kinda. like their elite fight squad or whatever? so the order is a known organisation but its members are still anonymous

picture sirius and james in sexy SWAT outfits with mysterious masks or whatever. i'm talking TIGHT AS HELL trousers. hella cheeked up

so the order are the ministry's elite fight peeps or whatever and then there's voldemort and the death eaters obvs but there's ALSO this vigilante group which is run by REDACTED, who dorcas and remus work for. it's this anonymous group and no one - not the order or the ministry or the death eaters - can tell who they are, who runs it, what their mission is, and whose side they're on etc

remus and dorcas are both orphaned werewolves and didn't go to hogwarts

obviously reggie is there!!!!!!!!!! he's remus's bestie OBVIOUSLY!!!! regus for life!!!!!!!!

think lots of undercover missions and outfits that hide people's identities and confusingly sexual violent encounters and a bit of a MYSTERY babes xxxxxx

#someone asked me a q #lovely wonderful anon #i am writing #i am actually too excited for this because i haven't finished TML and i keep planning when i should be writing it #i think its gonna be called #two knights defence #which is a chess move #i had to google that #dont ask me what that fucking means alright #but basically there's a chess theme to the vigilante group basically #and remus and dorcas are the knights #that's their code name #and that was the coolest sounding chess move involving knights so #anyway

[urcadelimabean]

Unpleasant emotions under the cut. Medical stuff, mental health

It still takes about 30 seconds of talking about the idea of getting back on the mats and training again before I start crying. And I cried already yesterday. I try not to think a lot about it which I know isn't healthy. It brings back everything. I wonder if people, even friends, didn't take seriously how badly this injury affected me in college because on some level it still isn't "cool" to care about things this deeply, especially not a sport. Maybe they expected me to just move on. I'm not stupid, I know there is at least a possibility of never being able to do brazilian jiu jitsu, judo or MMA again and only being able to do boxing if I could even bring myself to. But wow, people really didn't understand the earth shattering thing they were suggesting when they pointed out maybe I will never recover. It hurts to even consider it, and I have many times at this point. I didn't just love training, I was in love with it. Just completely completely in love. This isn't just bad because injuries suck and pain sucks. Of course I had found other hobbies in the years I've been rehabilitating my knee but nothing has come close to replacing actually getting on the mats and wrestling. And I still break down imagining what it would be like for this fucking injury to be over once and for all. I can't even express myself. A friend pointed out I didn't just go from being not very active to being bedridden and injured, I went from low-key having super powers and being extremely extremely way over the top active to being bedridden and injured and in pain, followed by having to relearn walking etc. Imagining being back there again, before all that when I could train freely, is just imagining all the happiness I know I'd feel and it's the weirdest and worst feeling because it's so so so happy and I'm so so so sad. "Happy" "sad" - why aren't words more helpful. I just can’t express it.

I'm going to be stretching my stupid fucking leg more and trying to see if the pain lessens. I literally can't stop trying. I feel like I have absolutely no control over not just whether or not I get better but also no control over my own desires like....it's been five years now, five!!!!! Years of my life!!!! Korra recovered from leg paralysis faster. And the idea of getting back on the mats for real still makes me want to go charging out my front door screaming bloody murder (this is a good, happy thing) with absolutely no caution.

That sport was everything in the world to me. I dont even acknowledge that very often. I was never ever ever dedicated to it I was addicted. Fun doesn't even begin to describe it and I was GOOD. And it was even more fun because I was good and because it was a challenge but I got just as much out as I put in. And I was getting better and better and better and never wanted to stop. I literally wanted to fight since I was a small child. Seriously, I wanted to be a knight or a pirate when I grew up, which is obviously hilarious in retrospect. When I started mixed martial arts it was a dream come true. It's as much a mental game as it is physical- that's why they call jiu jitsu "human chess." You're always adapting to your opponent and anticipating and strategizing. It's seriously the coolest sport in the world. And I barely think about it anymore if I can help it. I can’t even tell my cool stories of victory anymore because I can’t remember them well. I’ve forgotten what things are called and the specifics of how to do them.

Like........does it even matter why my knee has had so many problems? Was it not having actual painkillers after surgery that gave me nerve damage? Maybe the stiffness is worse because of small infections which I've heard have been the cause that made lots of other people's knee rehabilitation much worse. Would I even care if I found out now? Probably not. at all. I just dont want to be involved with this anymore. I am so deeply bored with these stupid fucking problems and I just do not care.

I didn't just go from being active to being inactive,I went from functioning so well in school to having trouble focusing and thinking clearly, having trouble sleeping, having trouble with homework, forgetting things, having intrusive thoughts, developing anxiety, having nightmares, not caring about previous interests, worsening self confidence, self harming thoughts, nightmares about suicide, huge problems seeing blood including period blood, randomly becoming rapidly afraid, hopelessness, dissociation, feeling angry all the time, having brain fog, not being able to cope with other problems as well in other parts of my life, flashbacks, financial stress, not feeling like I knew who I was, oh yeah also physical pain in many many degrees lol. How wild is it to realize I've been mentally shying away from some things so hard I thought about my scars as simply "long skin deep cuts" as opposed to what they really were post hospital: unanesthetized bone-deep stab wounds stapled closed over cut up tendon and screw and bolts. And nice of my doctors to gaslight me about it as well and push the idea that I just couldn't handle moderate pain. So nice of them to give me hydrocodone which no longer alleviated my DEBILITATING PERIOD CRAMPS so what will it do for stab wounds, I really don’t know. Also I should never have been prescribed hydrocodone for my period but how was I to know that that the time

To add insult to literal injury lolol, creepiness from men went up at about a 200% increase as soon as I was injured. This was the first time I really had to deal with men who are disgusting, obviously aside from my father.

I just look back at all these years. Of all the stupid injuries that other people have no problem recovering from, an ACL tear doing this is just actually INSANELY stupid I almost want to laugh. But that sounds like blaming myself and I'm so not going there because I know this wasn't my fault. I literally worked my ass off especially the first year (or worked my ass back on? I had so much atrophy after surgery from the swelling that my butt was asymmetrical lmao)

I just don't feel like I can work that hard anymore, I'm operating at less than half power but I'm still trying. The one positive, ha, thing I can say about having less energy to keep trying is that if there was a time for pushing myself it was at the beginning when i had to build most of the muscle back and I guess I mostly did that. I shifted to a softer approach and gentle but more frequent stretching instead of strength exercises and developing some more fine motor control I still don't have and trying to develop a more forgiving attitude towards my body. But I need to stretch even more and more frequently and focus on that over strength. I wonder if some of the pain is still related to muscle weakness but 🤷 I have a thigh muscle.

Anyway...'carry on' is what im going to do I guess. I'm just whatever word means existentially rapidly cycling from furiously angry to depressed to manically motivated to hopeless to numb and then back. I just miss it. I usually never let myself think about that. I loved it.

#personal stuff #do not reblog