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lavendersage · 3 years

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i saw that post from the girl who's girlfriend isn't quite ready to be out. if ur blog didnt seem to celebrate love of all kinds (and i'm not talking straight vs gay, i'm talking happy vs sad) i would have kept this to myself, but between ur response and the op's story itself, i think im going to take this chance of sharing a burden on my heart, maybe to help someone else, or just for the shot at becoming at peace with it. a couple weeks ago, when u asked for everyone to send u stories of their lovers, i wrote most of this out but didnt send it.

i (21F) am a college student (god, is this reddit?). my entire life, i have cultivated the cleanest good girl image that i could. my parents sacrificed so much for my sister and i to grow up far more comfortable then they did, so i have tried to honor them with a little golden child they could brag about. straight As, never missed school, did community service, perfect SATs. i worked tirelessly to be on-paper perfect.

one of the reasons i've worked so hard to earn Good Noodle Stars is to make up for the fact that i am terminally homosexual. i realized real early that i could literally cure cancer and the first comment on the news video will be, "okay, she cured cancer, but at least I'm not gay like she is." i could raise thousands for charity, and my aunts would still say, "our kids may not get off the couch but at least they have sex correctly." so they dont know. few people do, none outside my closest circle.

in walks Mars(21NB). Mars is an anachronism. they are both a romantic with and without a capital R. be still my Dark Academia heart.

we got very close before school broke for Covid. Mars wrote me a letter every other week, encrypted and folded so that the only way to open them was to rip a paper seam that would show if someone had tampered with it. it was intoxicating. it was the first time i felt able to communicate freely about anything. i dont know - i didnt hold back my emotions, emboldened by writing in cipher. i spent all summer waiting for those red sealed envelopes, filled with stories and poetry and honeyed nonsense, and i refused to not respond with mirrored passion.

it was all great until it set in that I was going to have to face Mars again, in person. i prayed our school would decide all students had to stay remote. of course I wanted to see Mars, i want to do much more than just see them, but i knew it would only be a matter of time between us being reunited and them asking me out.

this was a person who crafted a puzzle where the answers were flowers that were a declaration of fidelity in Victorian Flower Language. of course i ate that up with a spoon. u would have too. listen, i know all aesthetics are fads and all fads age badly, but if the cottagecore girls get to learn to sew and bake and grow, i owe dark academia for teaching me the vocabulary and actions of my most treasured relationship yet, and giving me permission to be earnest and vulnerable in this life for 10 goddamn minutes. Mars is handsome and a genius and i was not used to feeling connected to anyone. but for all that joy, i was also drowning with the thought of having to break their heart by explaining i cant date anyone AFAB.

so the semester starts. Mars asks me over for a homecooked meal since restaurants don't exist here at the end of the world. they made me a beautiful dinner with all my dietary needs in mind. just like everything else i ate it up. and i made no effort to stop them from inviting me over for food and conversation again and again and a fourth time just to make sure it really hurt.

they kissed me after the last dinner. and I kissed them back, before stopping. they apologized for moving too quickly, but i explained that they had moved at the perfect pace, just with the wrong person.

there is no nice ending to this. it's real life. Mars took it as a breakup and didnt reach out to me again. i sobbed from halloween to christmas, i swear. i'm the villain in this story.

i started this post off as a sign of solidarity to the other young lady, but now im realizing that this letter would be better read by her fearful beloved, not her. it is 4am where i live, so i apologize if this has all gotten away from me.

love is a garden u have to water yourself. ngl, my favorite part about this blog is all the posts about learning to love yourself, learning to see ur intrinsic value dispite the core facets of u that have been deemed flaws, and trust the relationship between me, myself, and i.

i started out telling myself i was writing this to help the high school kid, but i havent shared this with anyone. writing this out has helped me process a thing or two, or at least start to. i like this idea of lavendersage being a kindly cryptid who will alchemise ur heartache into calm.

i hope you dont mind if i try to make this a thing.

my story is in the shape of a love letter. its tearstained before it even hits the water. i drop it in your river and watch it float away.

y’all are breaking my heart with these stories this week 🤧i feel so sad to read them and so helpless to respond, because i know how deep that pain must run and i don’t know if there’s truly anything i could say or do to take it away. but if i can lessen it from 100 to 99, well, then i’ll have fulfilled my goal of existing on this website. at the very least, i’m glad that writing this message helped you process some things on your own, but i’m happy to share my thoughts anyway.

your mars sounds like a top tier human being. victorian flower language? i’m swooning. it’s no surprise to me that you fell for them, and they were clearly head over heels for you. folks don’t make grand gestures like that for just anyone, that’s for sure 🥺

and i’m very sad to hear about the way things ended. but, anon, i can’t help but wonder if it is indeed over, or if hope exists on the precipice of a great act of bravery performed by you--something i know from experience is much easier said than done, and something i’ve failed to do in the past, so i’m not trying to be a hypocrite here. the ball is definitely in your court, though.

also...it doesn’t sit well with me to hear you call yourself a villain. i understand why you see it that way, as it’s clear that you deeply care for this person. but for many folks...the fear of what our family will say or think or do weighs so heavily on us that it robs us of any possibility of happiness with someone who isn’t the kind of person our family wants us to end up with. i’m sure plenty of folks, myself included, can empathize with this. and i’m sure on some level, mars does too.

my love, as with all things, i hope whatever happens next works out for the best, and that you don’t let this experience darken your heart. if things change between you and mars, please feel free to drop me a note. i’ll always be here to listen 💚💚💚`

#asks #Anonymous

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sweater-daddiesdumbdork · 4 years

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i just watched this video of chris drunk during an interview and omg he is the cutest bean ever😍 so here comes another request, chris is out, drinking with friends and he calls you because he is clingy with you more so when drunk and he is just spilling everything, how much he loves you and the whole wedding vows and promises and then he comes home but doesn’t recognize you and he is like ‘no, i don’t wike you, i have a girlfriend’😂 i know very specific but omg i’m so in love with him💕

Babes, he is the Sweetest cutest drunk man ever, if its the video where he goes on about how hes not a tap dancer, but lets lay claim to that fame, cause why the hell not. XD haha. I loved trying to picture what he would do. And absolutely he would get so gushy for his girl, needing to tell her how much he loved her. Awww. Love this one, thank you so much!

“God I need a break”

Chris’s arm slung over his eyes as he tipped his head back, taking a deep chest raising breath. You glanced up from your seat across the room, watching him from over your book. A frown playing on your lips at the sight of him being so tensed and stressed out. Everything about him right now was taunt and rigid. And with a sigh he moved back into a sit, leaning over his documents spread on the coffee table. Setting your book aside, you grabbed your phone and headed into the kitchen, pulling up a group chat with all of Chris’s closest friends.

‘Hey what you guys all doing tonight?’ You chewed your lip a bit waiting. They were rather quick though, sending you a quick fire replies.

‘Nothing!’

‘Staying home on the couch watching trash tv’

‘Suggestions?’

‘Whats up Buttercup?’ Last one came from Scott, he started giving you teasing nicknames simply cause you were practically his sister in law at this point.

‘Chris desperately needs a night out with all of you, and wont ask for it himself. Help him (and me) out?’

You peeked back out of the room, to see Dodger huffing at Chris with a ball in his mouth, shoving into his lap. Chris absently with a flick of the wrist tossed it across the room. The fact he wouldnt even look up, but the crease deepened in his forehead as his eyes scanned the words, rubbing his chin let you know he needed this. He kept up like that, his beard you adored so much was gonna be rubbed off. Come on guys, you thought. It was then you heard the ping, and it popped up on your screen.

‘Say no more, we will take care of it’

They were the best. Seconds later Chris’s phone started buzzing, rattling across the coffee table, jarring him at the noise. It was persistent, as he reached to grasp it, going through the ‘Buddy, Julios, 8 pm tonight!’ messages, Scott sending a private one later ‘Picking you up tonight’ Leaving it so Chris didnt have to worry about driving.

“Y/N, the guys want to go out tonight... “ He pushed off the sofa and went in search of you, finding you standing at the kitchen counter, selecting an apple out of the fruit bowl and start slicing it up. “Hmm, whats that Chris?” You ask while coring your fruit, asting as if you didnt know what he was gonna ask.

“Guys want to go out tonight, you want to come? They are apparently not taking im to busy as an answer. Scotts driving.”

You act surprised, and give a shake of the head. “No, Im gonna stay home tonight. Working on a work project, and I want to finish it up.” You gather your fruit in a bowl and come around to reach him. “But I will leave the porch light on for you Handsome.” You lean up as if to kiss him and when he went to meet you, you stuff an apple in his mouth, grinning as you pluck up another piece and snip of the tip of it.

“Just dont forget your keys cause I will be sleeping.” You smirk, after swallowing, moving to go around him. He wasnt about to let you get away though, catching you around your hips and pulling you in close, using his beard to tickle your neck. “Oh I know you had something to do with this Baby!”

You are laughing and squealing, denying your guilt as you try to escape. “No way! It wasnt--- CHRIS!” he was relentless though and chased you into the livingroom once you broke free, already he was starting to relax more.

That night, you did as you promised and left the porch light on, making sure the door was locked and headed into the bathroom to brush your teeth. Your phone sat nearby, and right in the middle of you scrubbing for those pearly whites, Chris’s ring tone popped up, the phone lighting up the picture of the three of you. Picking it up, you had to chuckle at the message.

‘Baby, I miss you so much. What are you doing? Do you miss me yet.(sad face sad face heart)’

You typed out ‘Brushing my teeth and heading to bed. Sounds like your having a good time. (wink)’

It wasnt even seconds before you got another one, this time it was ‘But do you MISS me?’ Yea he was tipsy, he always got a bit needy once he had some liquor in him.

‘Yes, course I do. Sleeping all alone is tough without you to cuddle up with.’ You knew that would make him smile. Snapping off the light, you go into the bedroom and turn down the bed, setting about doing the rest of your nightly routine when it pings again. This time there is a video, which you move to sit up against the headboard, hitting play.

It starts out all wonky, like Chris didnt have the camera still, and then it turns to him, at an odd angle, he must not be holding it high enough, and hes shouting over the music. “Y/N, I couldnt type anymore, the keys are to small.” he lifts it higher and you can see the others in the background, goofing off and shouting at him to return to the party, he waves them off and steps away further, away from the music, so you can hear him properly now. “I just wanted to tell you how much I fucking love you. Oh so much baby.” He rubs his face quickly, you can tell what hes saying is important to him, something that hes kept for a while, but finally had to get it out. Whenever he gets emotional, he rubs and touches his face. “I just need you always in my life, and I know you will tell me not to be silly, but listen. I love you so much, I just need to tell you. When we get married, im writing my own vows, your worth so much baby, I cant wait to make you all mine. I still need to go buy that ring though. How do I open up reminders?” His finger slammed down on the phone and its here he accidentally hit send, making you laugh hard enough that tears start streaming down your face.

It was no hidden fact that Chris wanted to tie the knot, he had mentioned it several times, so you couldnt wait to show this to him to see that flush rise up his cheeks and him shrugging as if he confessed some big secret. “Dont pay attention to that, I have to do it right!” Little did he know that you didnt even need the ring. If he just asked, you would in a heartbeat agree. But as he said, he wanted to do it right, and you were fine with waiting for him to be ready.

You send a message to Scott. ‘Please bring Chris home safe, hes so liquored!’ Which Scott just sent back a laughing emoji, clearly amused with his brother. It went quiet, and you pull the blankets up, falling asleep shortly after.

It was a couple hours later when you heard Dodger shuffle out of the bedroom and give a soft bark. Chris must be home, you thought as you rolled to get up, and wearing nothing but his oversized tee, you pad out to see where he was. Ahh, the kitchen. On the counter was several bags of what looked like taco bell, and he was rummaging for something. You lean in the doorway and say his name “Chris, honey, what are you looking for?”

From in the fridge he remarks “more cheese, I need more cheese” Between his legs, Dodger also has his head stuck in the fridge, the two of them quite the pair. You open a cupboard and take out some nacho cheese, unscrewing the top for Chris. In this state of mind, you didnt want him to try for himself. “Here Handsome, I got you a jar.” He turned suddenly, half tripping over Dodger as he went for the bag of tacos, and dumping out a pile of food. “Your the best... “ drizzling cheese all over his taco and taking a big bite, he gave what could only be described as a dirty moan, his eyes rolling back. “This is the best, besides Y/N’s tacos. I miss my baby”

“Im right here” You state, but he ignores you, going back to his taco. While hes eating, you go back to lock the door, pick up his shoes, and leave the rest of his chaos for the morning.

Getting back, you see hes left behind his meal, and with a roll of your eyes you pick that up to. He would make it up to you tomorrow. You would be sure of it. Heading towards the bedroom, you saw him collapsed on the bed, groaning. You bite your lip to keep from laughing, going to set on your side of the bed. “Chris, do you want to get undressed?”

His eyes slanted open as he looked up at you, and he groaned, turning away. “Go away, wheres Y/N?”

Well this was a first for you, your hand touches Chris’s back. “Baby, its me.”

He shifted once more to turn on his side facing away from you, muttering “I dont wike it, Stop, go away, your not Y/N”

“Chris?” You move to lean over him, your hand braced on his shoulder for leverage to glance over his half sleeping form, and he half slapped at your hand touching him, grumbling into his pillow. “Stop, I dont wike it. Wheres Y/N?” It wasnt often Chris resorted back to placing his W’s in place of the L’s.

You pull back and study him a moment, getting your phone and texting Scott.

‘How much did you guys give Chris?’

‘Oh honey, that boy is out of commission when I dropped him off at home. He should be passed out by now.’

No shit Scott, you think. Setting your phone aside. Chris has shifted again, to his back, and gives a smile seeing you and sighing. “Y/N is so beautiful, I cant wait till we have all the babies. Little Y/N all over the place.”

You pat his chest and lay down next to him. “Yes sir, all the babies, and Chris can change all the dirty diapers, and car pool them back and forth to soccer camp.”

He loped an arm around you and cuddled you in close to him, humming. “Yup. Tell Y/N that when she comes home that I miss her.”

“Oh of course, she will be very happy to see your home safe.”

That made him smile and he buried his face in your hair. Within minutes he started snoring softly, and you moved his arm from over your chest to settle at your waist. Finally you to drift off for the night.

The next morning came to you waking up first, bleary eyed, Chris came into focus, having moved during the night. Now he was on his back, head tipped back into the pillows, and mouth wide open. You were pretty tempted to take a picture, but before you could move, he slung an arm around you and twisted to his side, muttering against your shoulder.

“What Handsome?”

“I want... to die. Ugh” He lifted his head enough to rub the sleep out of his eyes and rubbed his chin against your neck, resettling himself against you. “How bad was I?”

Your hand comes up to card your fingers through his hair, light and gentle, he started humming softly at the soothing feeling.

“Well... You insisted on eating tacos, left a whirlwind of stuff in our livingroom, and you didnt remember who I was.” That shot his head up, in confusion.

“What?”

“Yea, you were convinced I was another woman and everytime I tried to like touch you to make sure you were okay, You brush me off and demand to know where I was.” You giggled softly at the memory, and he dropped his head groaning.

“Shit baby Im so sorry if I was an ass.”

“No no, you werent. It was more like you just wanted to see me, and you werent gonna accept another woman. It was kind of cute. You kept saying I dont wike it whenever i touched you. Oh and you um... sent me a video.”

He grumbled against your shoulder. “Course I did... I dont even want to know what was on it.”

You bring your hand to slide down the back of his neck, to his shoulders and rub along his upper back. “Well, it was all good stuff Chris. It was about how much you missed me, and loved me, then there was talks about a wedding ring.” Again he groaned against you, lifting his head up.

“Listen Y/N, when I said all that... “ He started and you cupped your hand over his mouth.

“Stop Babes, you were drunk. You really dont have to say anything. It was a cute video, and thats all I took it for.”

His eyes flashed in a touch of relief, another less sure woman might have been hurt at her mans relief, but you knew better. Chris was a man who ‘wanted to do it right’. You tilted your head up and nuzzled your nose against his. “How about you jump in the shower, and I will go make us a hangover cure?”

“And whats that?”

“Why more alcohol of course.”

He seemed to ponder a bit on your offer, and rolled to sit up, stretching. “Your on baby. Can you stay in my shirt though?” His blue eyes darkened in desire. “Cause your so fucken sexy in my clothes and I have plans for us later.”

You move to get off the bed, cupping his face once you stand and kiss his lips playfully. “Of course” As you turn to leave, his hand snaps playfully across your bare ass, and you smirk leaving the room.

Party is just getting started now.

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guyinlovewitheremika · 7 years

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Dude serious question here : how are you still single ? Judging from your blog you seem so cute and friendly and an overrall fun person to be around. I for one would have loved to get to know you irl. But well keep up your amazing blog, I wish you the best in life

Aww anon that’s really sweet of you haha. Hope you have an amazing life too.

I used this opportunity for a little bit of self-analysis, which I’m keeping under-read since it’s not the main content of this blog. Quite frankly it failed and I don’t recommend reading.

THERE IS NO POINT TO THIS POST. I started writing with a huge plan, it didnt work out and now only half the thing is here, and by itself, it makes no bloody sense. I still wanna keep it here simply for myself, but anyone reading this rn will probs only get an incomplete and thusly inaccurate picture of what I’m trying to paint.

Okay, so here’s the thing. I started writing this huge thing with a clearly mapped out thought process in mind, it had structure and whatnot. Unfortunately an event I even described in my analysis, a change of my mental state, prohibited me from finishing my writing---this is thus very incomplete, lacking many arguments and most importantly an actual conclusion. I doubt I’ll ever reconnect to this particular text anyway, but I still felt like sharing it as I considered it to be a very accurate depiction my head up until the point where I got lost. So even though it’s totally lackluster and incomplete, I’m still sharing it here because I feel like I owe it to myself. Anyway. After this follows the introduction I had originally written. Since I posted this for myself, the chance of me answering asks, replies or messages about this is very little, partially for reasons explained below. AnYwAY

Le forum ofdeath and sucks balls what the fuck

You'reprobably just a lovely anon who wanted to say something nice and cheer me up,and believe me, it's appreciated^^ This extended response shouldn't be takenpersonal by you in any way at all, I simply saw an opportunity for me to writethings down I've been meaning to write down for a long time. Thing is, there'sabout a 0% chance of me talking to over people what's really going on in myhead unless I'm prompted to do so--unless there're huge indicators of therebeing legitimate interest in my psyche, I aint talking, and even then, the chancesremain slim. Granted, your message wasn't really a direct inquiry or whateverbut I've had this shit in my system so long that it's more than sufficient forme to let lose. Warning: basically everything below (and even above) are mypersonal observations of myself, and most likely don't make a ton of sense foranyone who isn't, well, me. "Translating" all of this into anythingcomprehensible outside of my head is gonna be tricky enough, but I still feellike doing it. The purpose of this text is ultimately for self-analysis; uponwriting things down it can clarify or explain certain thoughts, and that'sreally waht I'm after. I don't want to shove my own analysis of my mentalsituation down my followers throats, I'm writing and posting this only for myselfto be affected by the process of doing so; thusly, once more, this will potentiallybarely make any sense for anyone, but it's not supposed to for anyone exceptme, so in essence, don't read too much into this post.

Long assintroduction

Damn

Anyway, let'sget started, and back to the original question, how are you still single.

BecauseBOI, there's a plethora of reasons, mostly tied to my relationship with myselfand my surroundings, and that's what I wanna talk about here.

First ofall, yeah. Guy does seem like a fun, sweet person to have around here, doesn'the? You're not the first person to tell me that, and I'm not saying that tofeed on my ego or whatever, but because this perception of Guy isn't unique. Iget nice and lovely anons, Barely and hate towards me as a person despite arather rapidly growing follower count, I've even made a ton of onlinefriendships over the span of months, and those folks generally don't seem tohate Guy either, for similar reasons. That's all good and fun, and ofc Iappreciate people who're sympathetic towards me, but that's because here ontumblr and over on discord, I'm Guy. The dude who absolutely loooves snk, whoknows a lot about the series, who tries to help people out and is pretty wankfree (that's an over-the-top, stereotyped description simply for the sake ofgetting the general point across).

The problemis that "Guy" is a periodic, temporary and very much incompleterepresentation of my identity. Now of course, the following dialogue can quicklyfall into the "edgy-teenager-YouKnowMyNameButNotMyStory" trope whichtypically disqualifies any rationality accompanied by the claims, but for thesake of argument, I'd like to give my analytical skills more credit than a 21stcentury stereotype. The basic point I'm trying to make here is this: the"real", "complete" version of myself has more to it thanjust the blogger you know as "Guy", and that's simply because myonline presence is very filtered. Whenever I'm posting on my blog or talking tomy friends on discord, I'm being Guy. My mental state, my thought process, andmy emotional balance is that of SnK loving Guy. The thing is, whenever there'sa change in my mental state, a variation, one that differs from who we know as"Guy", Guy shuts down, and so does my activity. I'm not blogging24/7, I'm not being constantly Guy. And I'm not chatting 24/7 either, myfriends may confirm this: I often stop talking in the middle of conversations,stop responding, reduce or cease my current activity all together. Occasionallythat's caused by irl disturbances, but for the most part, the issue lies in avariation within my mental state, one that disrupts my situation of being Guy,causing a discrepancy between my activity and my thought process concerning myactivity. In simpler (and seriously overblown) terms, I temporarily stop beingthe person I just was (this being Guy), and swap to a different mental state, onethat differs from being Guy.

This allprobably sounds ludicrous and absolutely over the top, and I apologize for that.It's not as if I have "multiple personalities" in my head, orschizophrenia, or whatever. These varying mental states I'm describing aren'ttotally different people, but...different facades of myself, if that makes anysense. It probably doesn't, so let meprovide you with a possibly explanative analogy, to visualize everything. Letssay you're playing and RPG, and you have your core character. You level him up,gain experience, skills, and whatnot. That's default form of your character,lacking equipment and whatnot. However, in order to adapt to the constantlychanging environments and opponents you face, you need equipment, and the onlyoptions you have are various, predetermined armor and weapon sets. There's adifferent, unique type for every situation-one for each environment and eachenemy. The only problem is this: they come with a predetermined set of statsand skills. Parts of the sets cannot be exchanged with one another, and youcan't use multiple ones either. What's worse is that, despite the varyinglevels of skills you may have obtained on your core character, these arepartially or even entirely overwritten when donning one of the sets--you can'tverify or even use these stats and skills of your core character, as they'relocked away by whatever set you use. Only in down times, when in your hideout,all by yourself, can you take off the sets and access your stats andskills--only then does the experience you obtained when using the sets actuallyappear, only then can you observe your core character as a whole. That's moreor less what my head looks like, from my POV. Granted, this by no means is atotally accurate representation--it's flawed, it ignores certain other aspects,doesn't universally apply to me either, and ultimately, has no proof. However,I feel like this is the closest approximate description I can offer at themoment, and ultimately just am example to allow for some visualization--not auniversal truth or affirmation.

But let'stake a closer look at these equipment sets, or mental states, as I like to callthem. One of my favorite movies over the past years was the sci-fi flicArrival--Denis Villeneuve's thought provoking tale about extraterrestrialcreatures showing up on our planet and humanities attempt to interact with them.One of it's major elements was the use of language, and one theme in particularfascinated me: the theory that speaking in another language can potentiallymodify, or even rewire your brain and thought process. It's something Icouldn't agree more with. I fluently speak three languages, and, given myliving and educational situation, typically switch between all three of themmultiple times a day. I don't want to assume anyone's thoughts or feelings, butI'm certain I'm not the only one who has different relationships with thelanguages they speak, and who feel different depending on the used language.It's a pretty natural thing. Another thing we can probably all agree on is that,depending with whom we're interacting, or under which exterior circumstances(such as location), our precise way to express ourselves may sometimes vary--youmay act in a certain way with one person in a certain place, and act verydifferently with another person in a different place. Well, of course I can'tclaim that to be a universal truth for every person on the planet, but I'vecertainly heard other people describe it before, and I've felt it from otherstoo. It's there, sometimes, to a certain extent. Maybe it's totally natural, aneveryday feeling for everyone involved, and maybe I'm just too weak to be ableto counteract the consequences, but who knows. My primary issue stems from the fact that, I'm taking this varyingcircumstances and their consequences to a ridiculous level. Depending on mylanguage, my location, the time of day and the people I'm with, my expressionof myself, my (from an exterior POV observable) personality, if you want to, isborderline subject to change. "Guy" in many ways I can't mentallygrasp at the moment is fundamentally different from the person you mayencounter under specific, different circumstances.

Now ofcourse, this probably is something felt by other people alone, I'm not somehowspecial by feeling that way, probably just too weak to deal with it. But onething I can say with absolute certainty is that the consequences of thevariations has an effect on my surrounding. An example in my family: due to hisjob, my father is rarely at home, and I'm typically left with my mother, withwhom I have a rather close and positive relationship with. On the days myfather is there however, our relationship changes, my general mood is affected,and my expression of myself heavily changes. Once again, I'm sure I'm notunique in that way, I'm sure it's a normal, human concept, it just seems toaffect me really much. This isn't just limited to important, deep relationshipslike me and my parents, but its present in really every situation. Example, Imay desire to spend time with my friends at school when there, but back home,in a different mental state, that desire disappears entirely. I often don'treply to messages for weeks, and rarely ever initiate communication by myself,which can be totally different in another mental state. See, and that's one ofthe primary issues. My relationships with pretty much everyone are heavilymodified and affected by the changes in my mental state based on circumstancesand whatnot. If we follow that logic, any intimate or romantic relationshipwould be affected too. And that's one of the cruxes here: I couldn't possiblyentertain one particular mental state throughout the entirety of anoverarching, important relationship with someone. There would be instances inwhich my mental state would vary, and I would in turn be severely affected thischange, but this non-given, non-evident relationship with a significant otherwouldn't just...stop existing, wouldn't temporarily be on hold until I've returnedto a mental state appropriate of said relationship. You can't put it on hold,you can't neglect all of that while waiting for your brain to return to anadequate state. There's continuity and effort and ultimately something enduringwithin a relationship, but that's incredibly hard to entertain if the facade ofoneself is subject to constant modification. Though that in itself is somethingI would already consider rather problematic, it's far from the end. Rememberwhen I described the situation in my head? The idea of a certain core character,unaffected by the armor sets? Let's take a closer look at that.

All thesevarious mental states, these predetermined armor sets, caused by the varyingcircumstances I find myself in throughout life, have one thing in common: blockingout the "core character", the one that acquires the skills andexperience obtained through the life in armor, the one that has a sort ofoverseeing access to all of these obtained life experiences. That is what Iconsider to be the "purest" version of myself. The one thingunaffected by circumstances, the one at the center off all these various mentalstates. I can only be in this unaffected state when not in relation to anythingin my exterior: not being constrained to convey thoughts verbally through theuse of a certain language, not being actively in relation to another person,and being in a neutral place, unaffected by anything, such as my room.Basically, if I'm in an entirely neutral situation, not affected by anythingexterior whatsoever, my mind goes into a neutral state too. This neutral stateallows me one particular thing: introspection. Self-analysis, if you want to.Only in the neutral state can I fully reflect on my experiences and my life asa whole, only then can I attempt to understand my progression in life, myemotions, my mental situation. In fact, at this very moment, I find myself inthis neutral state--only now am I actually able to reflect on what's going onin my head, and the fact that I'm able to write it down cohesively is an enormousfeat in itself. However, this distinction between my neutral state, the"core character", and the various mental states, the "armorsets", comes with a plethora of issues, the first one being this verydiscrepancy. As explained earlier, the "sets" override the"core", and I mean that in a literal way. All my reflections, all mythoughts and questions, all my arguments, failures and progressions, areblocked out when I'm in one of these sets. For example, if I'm talking to mytherapist, it's downright impossible for me to communicate all these thoughtsobtained through introspection, simply because they're blocked out, they're notavailable anymore. They slip out from memory, I can barely grasp them at all,it feels like walking through horribly thicc mist; and even in the event that Istill can formulate some of my thoughts, I can't properly convey them. In fact,even if I write them down and try to read them out, it feels more like readingsomeone else's thesis: my brain doesn't connect to the material at all, itdoesn't understand, it can't back it up: in that situation, they're not my ownthoughts at all, but someone else's, and no matter how much I search my mindfor answers of clues, the only thing I can find is a bleak, empty void, leavingme feeling dumbfounded, with an empty head. Literally. When I later return tomy neutral state, everything returns to me, but quite frankly, that's notuseful, since I still lack the means to communicate it in a manner thatconvinces both me and party B.

Unfortunatelythe issues don't stop there. If we go by the assumption that this neutral, coreversion of myself is what you may call "the real me", I would kind ofbe in a pretty shit situation, because, quite frankly, being this neutralversion of myself is not fun at all. Maybe its related to ingrained pessimism,but all introspection, all reflection and thoughts, always go in a prettynegative way. Never once have I thought about myself in depth and arrived at anactual positive outcome: every answer is negative and spells out inevitabledoom one way or another. There's always a depressing note to everything, infact, there is a seriously ingrained tendency leading towards what may be aform of depression in all my thoughts, but I'll get into that later. The bigbad issue is that ultimately, this neutral state of mine, as well as everypossible variable mental state, lacks one primordial thing necessary to thehuman existence: life. I'm descending towards a melodramatic presentation oncemore, forgive me. It's a hunch towards excess. But here's the thing. Theneutral state is exclusively based around introspection, it can't do anythingbut reflect, and reflect in a pretty negative manner if I might add. There'snothing else to it. The "sets" are technically set in what we wouldcall life, they're all in relation with something, but inherently lack thecommon thing that is myself; they're mere facades, they're fakes, they'reincomplete, they're not ME. Here's thething. Perhaps it was a result of all the issues mentioned above, or perhaps itcaused the issues above and originate from a certain event in my pastirrelevant for now, but one thing is certain: I'm heavily emotionally distancedfrom my own life. I barely ever feel any real, active emotions out of anythingin life, everything is distanced, bleak, unilateral. Any real, strong emotion,be it joy, hatred, sadness or whatever else you may think of, is something Ibarely ever feel these days. Even events that have an incredibly strong effecton my life struggle to bring forth an emotional reaction. Everythingstays...bleak. Unaffected. There's often a sort of distant negativity, abackground feeling of sorts, and there are occasions of limited joy or whatnotthat last a few moments, but it takes absolutely nothing whatsoever to returnto an empty or even highkey depressed state--ultimately, the sensation of"being alive" has become incredibly elusive to me over the last 8years, now nothing more than a mere distant memory. That's just how things are,and I can't deal with it.

Granted, Imay possibly be overdoing it rn. Been writing for a long time, need to makesure I don't start getting affected just yet. Ultimately, all these thingsheavily block the way for a meaningful relationship with another person. Notonly would they have to deal with the fact that the person they know seems toundergo mental changes on a continuous basis which can't be any good, their s.o.would go through constant mood changes, would often be emotionally distant fromthem for seemingly no reason whatsoever, wouldn't be able to even entertain a relationshipon a deeper level. Whatever it would be, it couldn't even be called a proper relationshipfrom my point of view. I wouldn't be able to be myself, and that's pretty mucha death sentence for anything meaningful that's supposed to last for a bit,right?

(sidenote:I feel as if I may have just exited the neutral state and am no longer able toentertain my introspection. My thoughts are literally disappearing from my mindand my memory of everything I've said so far and what I meant to say afterwardsis getting foggier by the minute. It's absolutely ridiculous and horriblyannoying, but at the very least it proves my points to myself, that's worthsomething).

After this point, I continued writing, but quickly realized I lost all connection, I had indeed gone through a change in mental state, leaving behind my introspection. Thus, this is largely incomplete, with many threads not tied together, and many arguments lacking entirely. My analysis went much deeper than what we see here, but unfortunately I don’t seem to be able to pick it up for now. What a shame. I had thought I had finally figured out some serious progress. But in a way, it’s also fitting. This major failure is evidence that the points made are very real and not my imagination. Too bad it prevented me from going further, but that’s all I can do for now.

This is more or less the conclusion I meant to reach, but since half the arguments and reasoning are missing, it doesn’t make sense and feels like an asspull for the sake of attentionwhoring. It’s not, and I can assure you there is legitimate reasoning behind this, I just can’t access it rn: To add more finality to the actual question that I tried to properly explain here but clearly turned out incapable of doing so, I have rather convoluted but justified mental and psychological issues for being single. These aren’t by choice, these aren’t because I enjoy being lonely, in fact I’ve desired the opposite since I was a child, but for various reasons I cannot fully explain yet, it wouldn’t be good at all for neither me nor my partner, not with the way I am right now (and this current failure is proof of that). Instead, I’ll keep sitting on my ass, waiting for a miracle that will never happen, with mental and and physical issues getting worse and worse as a consequence. But in its own way, that’s desirable for me; which is based on another issue, rooted even deeper in my psychology, one that is probably the source of all my issues. But I can’t talk about that yet.

Other than that, there’s practical issues too. I’ll be leaving the continent this summer. I have very little positive memories about the last 8 years, the 2nd chapter of my life, but I don’t want to start getting attached to this life just as it is about to end. That would be the worst possible way to leave, and I need a clean cut at all costs. So yeah, no SO for me.

#dont read this #personal #reference #guy's introspection #this basically took me the entire day but like 75% is missing don't read this.#Anonymous

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jade-basicity · 7 years

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Review for Game of Trolls

Today, we live in a Philippines torn between the horrors of its past and the fear for its present. With the dawn of issues such as th EJK and the resurfacing talk of Martial Law during the Marcos regime, for the modern youth, it’s not that easy to put these problems into perspective. We were born at a time before we could remember it, but were born in its aftermath. The Philippine Educational Theater Association, with their production “Game of Trolls”, sought to do just that.

“Game of Trolls” revolves around the life of Hector (TJ Valderrama), a modern milennial working for Bimbam (Vince Lim) the son of an Apo loyalist. There, he earns money by fighting against SJWs like his friend-zoned flatmate Constance (Galang Fernandez) by means of hacking, covering up Martial Law, and alternative facts under the pseudonym HecklerBelter on different sites. He also holds an angsty grudge against his mother, Nanay Terre (Galang Fernandez) who, ironically, also happens to be a former Human Rights activist during the Marcos Regime. After attempting to bury the casualties of the Martial Law under the “Cloud” (a software that masks information), he gets visits from ghosts of Martial Law past that open his eyes to the tragedy of Martial Law, and the falsities of his beliefs, in game shows and moving musical numbers.

I appreciate that it was a story that needed to be told. We cannot deny the reality of historical erasure. Many people beside me, and myself included were genuinely learning new things. But, having labeled itself as a “musical for millennials”, perhaps came a little to its detriment. It pandered too heavily to its target audience, and it showed. It assumes a lot of the generation it markets itself to, and sometimes dumps information on our shoulders as if a more sparse telling that did not require an info dump would suffice.

It at times (most evident through the unappologetic and sometimes

tiring use of pop culture sound effects) uses pop culture reference so much in an attempt to be relatable and hip to its audience that it risks being contrite. But, I still appreciated the other instances where pop culture is used cleverly as a lense with which to make martial law relevant to today.

That being said, I admired the play and its respect for its subejct matter. It was made in cooperation with the National Historical Commission, and it showed in how much facts they were able to teach us (or at times, simply tell us about, which is a huge difference).

I loved the main screen and the animation they utilized! I also ALWAYS appreciate PETA’s minimalist and yet creative set designs. They also used the theater to its full usability to tell the story, I loved the moments like when Nanay was talking about her experience during the martial law, how the sound effects were cleverly used to put us in the right astmosphere.

I also loved scenes Like the rap battle and the game show. The lines in these scenes were so artfully crafted, enjoyable, and yet directly addresses the problems, in a way I wished the rest of the script had consistently done. Whenever they explicitely spelled out the message they were trying to impart when it was already obvious, i found myself taken aback.

The play at times either treats us as one of two things: Ignorant angsty youth or smart individuals able to process complex information. This lead to an incoherence when it came to how they relayed the themes and messages. As I said, at times they found it necessary to spell out the message instead of visually telling the story??

I found myself disliking the romance portion (the one specifically crafted for the apparent sensationalism that creating for MILLENNIALS apparently required) the most. ESPECIALLY THE AMBIGOUS LGBT/GENDERFLUID CHARACTER WHOSE SEXUALITY WAS ONLY EVER PLAYED FOR COMEDIC PURPOSES !!!

NO, NOT ALL LGBTQ+ CHARACTERS NEED TO BE FLAMING SJWs BUT THAT DOES NOT MAKE IT OK TO USE A CHARACTER’S SEXUALITY ONLY AS A MEANS TO STAY RELEVANT, RELATABLE AND SO YOU CAN BRAG ABOUT HAVING REPRESENTATION. WE DONT NEED MERE REPRESENTATION, WE NEED ACCURATE AND M E A N I N G F U L REPRESENTATION.

I understand that they wanted to keep us engaged and through focus groups found out that millennials responded best to romances (though I believe personally that Filipino culture could tell you this, without having to focus-group it) It is not an excuse to make a romance that I saw as trite and shoe-horned in.

There were moments where the “kilig” was completely unearned. Especially when the graohics at the back unambigously spelled their relationship out for me, that i at first wouldnt have gotten. Their romance served no actual movement to the plot, it was so background and unnecessary. I WISH they didnt have those grpahics at the back that spelled it all out for you because then we wouldve had to genuinely earn and realize for ourselves the chemistry they have.

THEY CLEARLY LIKED EACH OTHER FROM THE START so we never have any moments where the two love interests build an understanding and a genuine romantic bond with each other because FROM THE BEGINNING they were already crushing hard on one another and the only thing left was to say yes. We never got enough actual time devoted to setting up their romance BECUASE IT WAS SO BACK BURNED, IT DIDNT EVEN NEED TO BE THERE! They couldve stayed friends and it would have been almost completely the same.

For the review: Maybe something like: Some quote from the creator about millenials tas “And that’s exactly what you’ll get, so dont expect it to be much more than the romance put in for millenials’ attention spans than they intended,”

they spent way more time HECKLING EACH OTHER ONLINE than as actual friends, much less love interests !!! The plot was also quite… unclear at times? Not because they werent being explicit (THEY WERE) but beause the flow and the tonal shifts of each scene were so drastic that at times they were left feeling like two peices of completely different parts of the story.

We would go from crying to kilig to laughing in no time flat. We had no scenes where we were left to just appreciate the serene BECAUSE THERE WAS ALWAYS SOMETHING HAPPENING. Which is good for spectacle, but breathing space is something we would appreciate.

also, you cant be primarily motivated by angst and apathy. These are thibgs that usually lead one to non-action rather than TAKING A JOB AT THE ACTUAL MOST POLAR OPPOSITE THING YOUR MOTHER STOOD FOR. His motivation was to be a horrible person to his mom.

That does not make for a good and likeable character. What saved him though, were his jokes, and the humor thatvthe script peppered around him. As well as the excellent acting that hid the character flaws well.

THE VILLAIN HAD NO ACTUAL PERSONAL MOTIVATIONS. the script lacked an awareness of how motivation works in real life, so they created characters with often flimsy motivations that did things simply because the plot or situation called for it rather than because of any decision they conciously have to make.

MOST OF THOSE ACTUAL DECISIONS where made before the play even started, so this device that couldve been used to visually show character was instead poured into actual monologued lines. SHOW DONT TELL.

But ultimately, it’s something we had to see, especially for those of us with little to know knowledge on the Martial Law, it really helped but the play into perspective.

It did what it was set out to do, show Martial Law’s horrors while also being appealing to millennils. At its core, that’s what matters the most.

I remember my classmates and friends gushing about the play with fondness as we went put of the cinema. For all its flaws, it was able to imbed itself in the heart of its target audience.

It did not skirt around the issue with deep allusions and metaphors, it showed us how it was without holding back. And, in true José-Rizalian fashion, bared Martial Law out for everyone to see. And for that, I leave it a good 3.5 star rating and a hope to rewatch it again, that I may perhaps understand more and appreciate it.

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survivorathena-allstars · 6 years

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Episode #11: “I Love a Good Heist” ~ Will

It fucking worked and I want to redact everything bad I just said.

i'm none of them saying anything to me yet and I'm also me not seeing this coming when Will was all of a sudden not in favor of the telling duncan to idol plan lmaoooo gg

is no one going to message me!! i am so freaking upset right now and i kinda just want to explode but really no one is going to try to justify themselves to me, i'm a little disappointed tbh and i got to learn how to win a fucking immunity for once

AMANDA AND HER MOTHER ARE ICONS I JUST GOT MY SECOND IDOL, I DO NOT DESERVE THIS

I'm so mad right now I want to SCREAM, why the HECK did I get that many votes, something isn't adding up and I'm just so frustrated. Also who made me the glee parchment, if you're reading this TELL ME it was the only thing good about tonight I am really just SO DONE WITH ALL THESE SNAKES. I'm being so extra right now but these people make me want to throw my laptop into the road.

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Cameron told Emily to vote Duncan :) We love a snake within our alliance :) I love a good heist :)

emily is a queen again btw, I love her

i don't know why i'm so salty

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HOLY CRAP WE DID THAT! Duncan didn't play his idol and I'm literally crying. We killed one of the biggest threats in the game. And I was behind it. What. the. fuck.

fskhjf god the lady at the dining hall asked me how i was and on the outside i was like "good" but on the inside im like "playing virtual editions ofr trash reality shows on the internet with strangers I have never met has left me feeling like i want to cry bc ppl lied to me have u ever been lied to how did u get over it and also can i please have some chicken nuggets" jesus and then someone talked to me and i didnt know how to respond bc i was having an EPISODE in the dining hall it's fine this is fine ________________________________________________________________ let the ass kissing begin

I'm gonna confess tomorrow, but I have become aware.... of some shady stuff, and am now in a really good spot... or at least I think I am

OH MY GAWD NO IDOL PLAY. ARE YOU MCFUCKIN KIDDING ME!? I dont want to say that I am large in part why Duncan is @ Ponderosa right now BUT WIG WOW IS THIS THE BIGGEST MOVE IVE EVER MADE IN A GAME OR WHAT. ALSO i'm here for weasel discourse: [1/11/18, 10:48:07 PM] Dana Barry: because clearly we both bein sneaky weasels [1/11/18, 10:48:54 PM] Owen (Crossroads Host): kfashj who the bigger weasel [1/11/18, 10:49:01 PM] Dana Barry: OWEN PLEASE [1/11/18, 10:49:12 PM] Dana Barry: LETS NOT COMPARE WEASEL SIZES [1/11/18, 10:49:15 PM] Owen (Crossroads Host): OMFG [1/11/18, 11:12:14 PM] Owen (Crossroads Host): I’m gonna go eat now I’ll be back later [1/11/18, 11:31:53 PM] Dana Barry: pls eat my weasel friend ________________________________________________________________ https://vine.co/v/hWVwWE6UFqa/embed/simple Me when the people of this game give my dumb ass power and I crave more because I'm a goblin.

This was recorded before the vote im SORRY im a flop

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It's time to strike at Owen. He's onto us. We're making big moves left and right, and he knows that we're going to get targeted as threats soon if we're not careful. He said we have to get rid of Ruthie and Kevin, otherwise people are going to start thinking about taking them to the end. Of course, that's my plan. I think I want to sit with Ruthie and Ali/Dana at the end. Will, Emily, or Owen would surely beat me. I'm here, masterminding moves, deciding whether or not someone easy goes home, and someone is going to target me soon. My idol can only save me for one round, and I need to make sure it's a good one. Lily was a good move. Duncan was a better move. Owen could potentially be the best move. Then I know my core four is completely loyal to me and only me. This is my ideal boot list now: Owen (10th) Ashvika (9th) Kevin (8th) Zach (7th) Emily (6th) Will (5th) Dana (4th) And then a final three of Ruthie (3rd), Ali (2nd), and myself (1st!) That's all. Love you. It's time for me to go focus on winning again.

Boy I'm mad. Duncan was the one person who I could put some trust in--and even then there wasn't much--and now he's dead. Now I feel like my game's already gone through the gutter and there's no hope left. Shoutout to Ali and Cameron specifically for both telling me "Oh yeah I'm sorry for not keeping you in the loop at the first vote, I promise I'll do it this time?" Then, what did they do? Not that. I'm...mediocrely okay with Ali because like Ali's nice and a sweetheart (actually I'm kinda mad at Ali because I pm'd him asking what happened like immediately after tribal and he never responded even though he's talked multiple times in the tribe chat...wig). But Cameron??? This is the third time. We've voted together once, at the Madison tribal, even though you've told me multiple times you want to work with me. I was okay with being 'left in the dark' with the Lily vote because I wasn't actually in the dark. I feel like this was a chance for him to prove his word to me, that you do want to work with me. This was the chance to make or break my trust. And both times I've come to him before the vote and he's basically said 'oh yeah it's still this way like we said haha.' And then??? It isn't lmao. Like if you don't want to work with me, cool! I understand that the game rolls out that way! But don't come to me with fake promises then, saying you want to work with me, only to actually vote with me 3/4 times. At some point no amount of apologies will make up for your actions. I don't know if I've reached that breaking point, but it's getting close. I get that I started the merge on the wrong foot, and that I should've voted Lily instead and sticking with Ruthie was a mistake. I know I got myself into this mess but I'm just annoyed and frustrated. I've been perfectly honest with everyone about who I'm voting for each round, and I get silence and vague responses in return. If I feel mad enough tomorrow I might try going for Cameron since he has an idol. Or at least like throwing his name around and spilling that fact. But who knows who knows he has an idol though. If it works, it works. If it doesn't, I might get home which I honestly wouldn't be super upset at this point and I would get to be a bitter juror too!

I love Dana

I am an Owen stan again too, I love him. I need to confess more, because it might be big move season this round, but I also don't knowwwwwww. AHH, I hate this yikes. I just get scared by Dana/Will/Cameron as a grouping, with Zach and Ruthie is already 5, which is scary

i have realized i'm quite irrelevant in this game and basically out of the loop without duncan because all these supposed idols that everyone has keep popping up left and right. i feel like my time is coming soon

"Who do you trust the least" "Who is most likely to flip on their alliance" "Who is ruining their own game" "Who is at the bottom but doesn't know it" "Who is going to go home for being the biggest threat" "Who is going to be blindsided by their alliance" literally they wish they were as relevant as me huh ________________________________________________________________ Actually though, I am going to make sure every one of these comes true. Let's see here.... "Who do you trust the least" "Who is most likely to flip on their alliance" "Who is ruining their own game" "Who is at the bottom but doesn't know it" "Who is going to go home for being the biggest threat" "Who is going to be blindsided by their alliance" Flipping on my alliance? Easy. If they insist, that's what I'll do. I will reallllly make it clear that they were right in trusting me the least :) And! They'd better hope! They take me out! For being a "threat" because if they do NOT, I am going to make sure each and everyone one of them is GONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They better not feel comfortable for even one second bc if there's one good thing to come out of this, it's that I no longer feel comfortable at all and hopefully me playing on edge will end up better for me. I just had an hour long call with Ali and we basically like....discussed everything. I don't know if I can trust him, but I sure as hell can't trust my alliance to take me to the end, so what have I got to lose? I told him I know about his idol, which I think was a move to hopefully get him to open up to me. And he told me that the merge idol has been taken from the shore. I'm assuming Emily, Ashvika, Cameron, or Ruthie have it bc they searched there before Ali. Ashvika I straight up asked and she said no.... I have a bad feeling Cameron is sitting on two idols rn and I don't know if I can handle it. But I was like.... idk I said a lot of things to Ali and I meant them. He said he felt like he didnt have a number one, and I told him we could be there for each other. He has a spot in my final three now whether he believes it or not and I would gladly sit at the end with him at this point. But we need numbers and we need a play. It feels so soon to try to flip on will dana Cameron but like..... If we wait until next vote to idol someone out, and Ruthie/Zach are glued to them, then at final 8 it would be four on each side (assuming I can get emily and ashvika to be with ali and I, and Kevin leaves at 10 which idek if it is happening). So that makes me think like....okay so maybe a move needs to happen at 10 that puts Kevin, Emily, Ali, Ashvika and I in a majority? But it's so fricking risky bc idk if they're going to come after me or come after Kevin or Emily or....idk. It's going to be rough as hell. But I'm ready. I don't know if I'm going to win this season, but I sure am going to try my hardest to change it. ________________________________________________________________ (On the other hand I love Dana, Wil, Cameron, and Zach as people so idk I'm stressin mad rn.)

Here's my long confessional like always explaining the events of last round and then the progress for this current round. So last round was just a mess. I brought up to Dana the night of immunity results (congrats Will you freak) that Duncan is a threat. He has an immunity idol and a hideout advantage, if we don't do it at 11, he'll be free till technically final 8 without being targeted. In addition, it limits our options down the line. Dana agreed and said it wasn't bad, and ended up running to people with this idea without crediting me. Grrr. It's fine. Dana, Will, Cameron all excluded Owen in this plan and I believe think they orchestrated it themselves when in reality it was kind of my idea but they pushed it forward so it's whatever. I called Emily in panic because I didn't want to exclude her and little do I know that Cameron already informed her of the decision before I finalized mine. In the end, Duncan leaves 8-3. Post-vote, I am trying to reestablish any trust I have with Ashvika. I can sense she doesn't trust me which is completely reasonable and fine, but I am wanting to work with her. Kevin is irrelevant but I want to talk to him and form a good connection with him. Now, this vote. Cameron was my target. Will talked about how he wanted Cameron out to Dana who obviously relayed that information to me, and I think Owen was fine with doing it too. I am also trying to formulate connections with Owen despite the fact that he knows I blatantly lied about the Duncan vote and all. However, Cameron won immunity, so good job to him. This means that my target probably shifts to one of two people. First is Kevin. He's kind of an easy vote, a person who wasn't really around and is definitely the most inactive. If we need an easy tribal, it's him. Ruthie's another easy vote but right now is not her time and I genuinely love her, but I do enjoy everyone so I can't use that. I'm not sure how likely this option is. I think I could get it rolling if need be. My second is Ali. This is just because recently i've felt really distant with him. I think I can trust him, yeah, but from what I know Owen is fine with him leaving and it's like... yeah. I think Ali should go relatively soon. If the votes are on him i'm most definitely going to vote him out unless i'm frightened of an idol play. I am honestly kind of scared of the alliance consisting of Cameron/Will/Owen/Dana + Ali. It's like... they're turning on each other briefly. Cameron is rubbing people the wrong way, which I love him and all truthfully, but he is kind of aggressive with dominating votes and spearheading decisions, which I think is ending up biting him in the ass. I truly think he'll be one of the next couple of votes. Ali is like the alliance's +1 so if they can vote him out, i'm down with that too. Ashvika, Emily, Ruthie, and Kevin are kind of on the outs of that alliance (with me of course) but more distant than myself. I need to utilize those bonds to kind of renege the major alliance cause I don't feel like being cut near the end. No ma'am. So having Ali leave this vote, then Cameron next vote, followed by Kevin leaves a final 7 of Ashvika/Ruthie/Owen/Zach/Dana/Will/Emily. In this scenario it's like... it gets hard. I want to work with Emily, but there are so many people here that are such strong contenders. Owen, Dana, Will and Emily are all phenomenal players, and i'd love to consider myself amongst those people too (PARTICULARLY IN THIS GAME! NOTICE THAT I LOVE THEM ALL AND THINK THEY'RE ALL GREAT BUT IN THIS SPECIFIC GAME THAT'S MY VIEW ON STANDINGS). I don't want to be goated, which I potentially could be since i'm acting weird and dull this game, so maybe I could swap Kevin in the final seven and drop another big threat, like Ashvika or Owen. The people who I trust the most right now are Dana and Emily. I trust Owen to an extent, and I really like talking to him. Ashvika and Kevin and Ruthie are just meh, I don't trust them. Cameron is to a degree but he's sketchy. Will is just... ugh MSDGLKDSG I love him I think he's so funny but he probably hates me. Ali is trustworthy but I feel like that's relative amongst all. I really don't know who i'd like to sit against in the final three (or two but likely three). I've reached my goal of jury and 100 days so i'm content, but I want to win. I think my best chances would be against Ruthie and Kevin, but I don't know. Dana needs to go soon too. Like, maybe final 4-7 is when i'd love to see her leave because I bet everyone views me as her bitch and sure, I kind of am at the moment, but that's partially strategy. Everyone thinks i'm her +1 so to those that like her, i'm safe. They know they can use me. Then to others, i'm the weaker of the two and therefore they have no valid reason to target me unless they want to weaken her, in which case bye bye. This game is so complicated and votes are NEVER decided until last minute which is bothersome but kind of fun. I think I have a high chance of leaving at this upcoming tribal truly, or at least receiving votes, so i'm excited to see what's to come. Hopefully i'm still here but if now, it's been a great season and i'm glad I got the chance to return and hopefully make y'alls slightly proud wooh!

Okay lots to confess I wish I confessed earlier in the round so I wouldn't have so much to recount. So anyways, the Duncan vote happens, and it still makes me sad. I will never understand why he felt so betrayed by me and kinda continued to throw my name out there because I wanted to go far with him. Also I called with Emily after the vote and I already knew at this point she leaked me idol (which Emily *why*). I dont understand why everyone felt so betrayed by me, when I was trying to loop everyone in? It doesn't make any sense. Anyway, I called with her and we seem good again, and I do want to work with her moving forwards. ________________________________________________________________ I spoke with Ashvika and explained why I voted Duncan, and I think she is the person I wanna work with most now, like Id love to go far with her, because I am an Ashvika stan. Touchy Subjects was very interesting, Will guessed me for a lot of the negative game ones which suggests he doesn't have much faith in my game and I got who does everything think has an idol, blind to manipulation, who is gonna need to be apologised to, who is getting blindsided. Lots of very scary ones. So... I'm nervous. I'm also nervous becuase I called with Owen yesterday, and as normal, I said waaay too much to Owen, and while I wanna work with him going forwards, I also think he could easily say what I said to LWD and get me out. ALSO IN OTHER MC'FREAKIN NEWS: I HAVE ANOTHER IDOL. AND NOBODY IS EVER FINDING OUT. I am using the fact that everyone says I leak stuff (because I do) and "leaking" that shore 23 is empty, so that nobody thinks I have it. I wanna use the other idol soon, so nobody thinks I have one teehee

Okay the gag is Duncan and I apparently got found out or were suspected or something so congrats to them for sleuthing successfully but also according to Ali people thought Ashvika and I were close??? Which??? Isn't true??? I hardly even know her??? sjlks Anyways I love these Touchy Subjects answers they make me feel really good about myself. I basically threw the challenge because I didn't feel like I had a good chance of winning anyway, and I'm not really in the position to offend anyone lmao which is evident by the answers. Apparently people trust me the least even tho...I've told pretty much everyone who I'm voting for in the last round. On an exciting note people want to vote for me tonight! At this point just take me out of the game and catapult me into the sun. I'm ready for it. The one person I wanted out of this game won immunity so. I don't know what my plans are but accepting death seems like a good idea right now.

This jury is literally gonna be pissed at everyone so I need to start doing whatever I can to make them think we're close, that we're friends. I'll talk to Kevin about Netflix, I'll tell Ashvika she's a queen, I'll give Owen a backrub idgaf but I need to make sure Cameron looks worse than I do. None of them think Ali's done anything, and Dana...they think she's cracked too. The only person I'm okay with beating me is Dana and that's that.

Something good happening at tribal council? For once there's even a possibility. After chatting with Owen we're trying to start something. Him Ashvika and I all voted for Ruthie last round, so if we stick together that's 3, and we're hoping for at least 5. Our best bets are Emily and Ali. I have no idea if this has a shot of working tbh but I feel like tonight's all or nothing. Unfortunately we can't get Cameron. I tossed around Dana or Zach's names to Owen but like, whoever Ali and Emily (or whoever we can get) want to vote, we'll vote. I don't know how solid the majority alliance is, or who's in cahoots with who, so this is a very...fragile, could-break-at-any-moment plan. If there's any way of convincing these two, the Touchy Subjects answers show that they're not safe if they stick with that side. Time to actually talk to them though and see what's up tho ahhhh ________________________________________________________________ I told Ali Duncan said Dana said Cameron had an idol. Ali revealed that he voted for Duncan because he was telling people Ali told him about the idol. Ali then said to me "I knew he was covering for someone it must be Dana." The gag is I honestly don't know if it was actually Dana skdkdkf I remember her name in the conversation we had but like??? But if it convinces Ali then it works for now

Why did I put Owen to be blindsided by his alliancE? bc I’m his alliance And I’m gonna blindside him

So Owen voted for me not Emily hmmm Maybe he was the one that made the pretty glee voting thing What’s that paper called again? Omg yes parchment

I’m really scared for this tribal. Owen, Ali, and I have made an alliance and are talking about voting with Kevin and possibly Ashvika. I want to pull in Zach and maybe Dana, but the problem is,,,,, Owen and Ali and Kevin want to vote Dana. I want Dana to stay. I don’t know why. I think I’m just bein gay. I want Will out tbh. And I would’ve wanted Cameron if he wasn’t fucking immune but NO of course I have to be HORRIBLE at tie breakers!!! I’m really shocked by some of the things I got in touchy subjects like wtf man. You’ll enjoy voting me out? You wish you had gotten me out pre-merge? You have to apologize to me after this game? Interesting. This is one of those Touchy Subjects results that I realy wanna take notes about. Usually I don’t take them too seriously but I’m #offended. Ugh I really want to work with Zach but I’m scared of Dana and him being a duo sort of like how Lily and I were a duo I guess? Ugh. I don’t know how to like,,,,, get around that. There’s a lot to figure out about this vote. But I think we can get something going. All I know is that I’m not really feeling like voting for Kevin tonight. ;-) we’ll see what happens

I am LITERALLY a rat and I feel guilty but if this works out then it's fine. I'm fine. Everything will be fine. I need to keep people in this game around me and I'm gonna take heat for it and Cameron might idol me out but like....oh well. ________________________________________________________________ Basically the pieces came together, Emily Ali and I made a chat and we all like fkshd worked on getting Kevin and Ashvika on board. Emily thought she could play a vote negator to make it 5-4 but she cant use it yet SO instead I was like ok I'll try to get them to split the votes somehow and both Will and Dana suggested it anyways kfadsjh lmao so hopefully it's like..... 5-3-2 tonight. I wanted it to be Dana at first bc if it does somehow tie 5-5 I felt like Ruthie would flip and vote Dana but not Will, but maybe now Zach would flip and vote for Will idk probably not. Also I still love Will :'( this game will feel weird without him but he's a huge threat. So is Cameron and Dana tbh like everyone is lowkey trying to press their own agenda and I think they're getting weary of one another but....idk. I feel like I need to do this now bc it'll be me actually taking things into my own hands rather than Kevin leaving and me relying on dana or will wanting Cameron out whenever they decide. I wish Will didn't have to go and if this all blows up on me then fine but like...yeah. god. ppl are gonna be upset with me, wigs all around ! ________________________________________________________________ THE ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER IS CRYING BUT THE DEVIL ON MY SHOULDER IS LAUGHING im so ugly i cant wait for this to go wrong and then ppl laugh at me for being an idiot when they read my confessionals after ________________________________________________________________ Lowkey it seemed too easy to get will and dana to want to split the vote and now Ali has disappeared too? I feel like Ali spilled and now theyre all just gonna vote for me but if thats the case then oh well I was never gonna win without trying to get trust in people

STOP STRESSING ME THE FUCK OUT good bye dana barry .

Finally a vote where I know what’s happening and the people that control everything... don’t. I’m excited! My first blindside where I’m on the like... right end? Wow. I love taking matters into my own hands. Will made an Azores alliance and I feel HORRIBLE because I’m voting him out this round lmao. And Cameron made an alliance with Will and Cameron and I just GOD at his is going to be hard because I could be ruining some potential allies... but also... who cares? I’m making a move, y’all! If it doesn’t work out, then so be it. But I’m putting my trust into Owen, Ali, Ashvika, Kevin... people that I really didn’t expect to work with all together but I’m thankful nonetheless. I’m also thinking this group of five is good because Kevin, Ashvika, and Ali will be easier to beat in the end? I think? Idk. I’m trying to think ahead as much as I can, and weakening Cameron & Co. is the first step to that. I feel guilty but this is what I have to do to win. It’s All Stars, Emily! ALL STARS! GET UR HEAD IN THE GAME!

I made an alliance with Will and Emily. I want Will to think he's my #1. He's not. I told them we're winning. We're not. Well... they're not. me: this alliance is winning Me: knows that neither of these two can make it to the end

Kevin is voting me yikes.com. I'm getting idoled out yall and it has been fun. Ashvika and Kevin have idols and I get majority = HELP ME PLEASE AMERICA. I'm on call with ASHVIKA and she says THEY ARE VOTING OUT WILL. WHAT DO I DO PLEASE. AND APPARENTLY IF THEY DONT VOTE FOR WILL THEY ARE VOTING FOR ME. If this is all a scare tactic.... it sure is working!!!! More to come later I have 20 minutes to entirely flip this vote ladies. Mama IS staying tonight know that!

OKAY SO! I voted for Ashvika. Why? Well, two or three reasons. 1. I've voted in the majority. Every time. I can't do that. I will become a target and I want to look like I'm being bobo the fool. 2. If someone (Ashvika) plays an idol on Kevin, it burns her. Also, it protects us (Me, Ali, Dana, Will, but the latter 3 because I'm safe) in the event that someone does idol Kevin. Also, I'm so glad I won immunity. It's a bad time for me personally and this made everything easier. Thank you, survivor gods. Thank you.

kevin and ashvika couldnt keep their mouths shut and now I'm getting idoled out. it's been real xoxoxo

I'm literally about to go home, but at least if I do I was able to crack the code and see it coming first. Kinda like Margaery in GoT, she saw it coming but she was just a little too late to stop it. ________________________________________________________________ Well I mean like I called it so y'all aren't as slick as you thought, there just really wasn't anything I could do. I got outplayed by snakes who were willing to throw away the last ounces of respect I had for them, but like I would've done the same and just been more respectful about it. And if you think writing "I hope it's a tie" in your voting confessional absolves you of anything you gotta like...use your brain sorry, if you don't want someone to go home you don't vote for them - it's not that hard! But it's been a fun game and this isn't the last of me (sorry if you wanted it to be). Cast me in your games more often I'm fun!!! xoxo

Will becomes the 11th person voted out of Athena All Stars in a 5-3-2 vote, and the 3rd member of our jury. You can see Will’s preseason interview here.

#NotAllFunAndGames

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Nikes two-hour marathon project reveals technological inequities in sport

This weekend, with technological help, three runners will try to break the two-hour marathon barrier. This is a good time to ask who technology is for

This weekend in Italy three elite athletes sponsored by Nike, the athletics company, will, conditions permitting, attempt to break two hours for running a marathon, 26.2 miles. The current world record is 2:02:57, set by Dennis Kimetto of Kenya in Berlin in 2014. Shaving three minutes from the marathon record would be an incredible accomplishment. The previous drop of three minutes has taken about 16 years.

Nikes Breaking2 project is more than just a slick marketing exercise for a new running shoe. The effort will tell us something important about how fast elite human athletic performance might be improved. But the project should also force us to ask some challenging questions about human enhancement and who it is for.

Nikes formula for breaking the two hour marathon starts with three of the worlds fastest runners: Eliud Kipchoge of Kenya, Lelisa Desisa of Ethiopia and Zersenay Tadese of Eritrea. Kipchoge won Gold in the marathon in Rio last year, Desisa won the Boston Marathon in 2013 and 2015 and Tadese is the world record holder for the half marathon.

But fast runners arent enough. Nike explains that they have consulted experts in: biomechanics, coaching, design, engineering, materials development, nutrition and sports psychology and physiology. But at the core of the project is technology: After years of extensive research and development, Breaking2 will debut a system of groundbreaking innovation that has the potential to elevate every runner.

That system is a high tech new shoe, the Nike VaporFly Elite specially designed for the three runners in the project. The consumer version will be called Zoom VaporFly 4%. The 4% is in the name because the shoe is supposed to reduce the energy required to run by 4% by using a curved carbon-fiber plate embedded in the sole. Thats a big number, given that breaking two hours implies beating the current record by about 3%.

But as long as Nike is looking to technology to help elite runners run faster, why not just have the athletes strap on rollerblades and shatter the world record?

The International Association of Athletics Federations, which sets the rules for athletics events of the Olympics and other elite competitions forbids the use of mechanical aids. The IAAF also has rules governing shoe technology, and this is where the new Nike shoe leads to some interesting questions.

The IAAF explains that athletes may compete barefoot or with footwear. The purpose of shoes is to give protection and stability to the feet and a firm grip on the ground. Such shoes are not allowed to provide any unfair additional assistance beyond running barefoot.

Those of you of my generation will remember South African runner Zola Budd, who ran barefoot in the 1984 Olympic Games. Long before Budd, Abebe Bikila won Olympic Gold in the marathon in 1960 running barefoot.

A general consensus of the scientific community is that while shoes provide additional cushioning for the runner their additional mass requires more effort from the runner, thus the two factors appeared to counteract each other. In other words, running with shoes doesnt provide any advantage over running barefoot.

But the new Nike shoe was specifically designed to provide an additional assistance. If the IAAF rules simply prohibited additional assistance then the shoe would clearly be illegal in IAAF competitions. But the rule says unfair additional assistance So is the shoe unfair?

The IAAF rulebook doesnt define unfair. But the rules do allow us to define what that means. This is where things get really interesting.

The IAAF does have specific rules in place governing the use of prosthetics of the sort used by Oscar Pistorius, the so-called Blade Runner who participated in the 2012 London Olympics as well as the 2012 Paralympic Games. Prosthetics are to the Paralympian what the running shoe is to the Olympian. As Richard Hirons, one of the world experts on prosthetics for elite athletes explains: At the end of the day, its a big shoe.

When Pistorius first applied to run in the Olympics, IAAF rules said that runners using prosthetics would be allowed to compete against able-bodied athletes unless the IAAF could show that the athlete received an unfair advantage over other athletes not using prosthetics.

The IAAF had initially banned Pistorius from competing in the Olympics, but Pistorius appealed the decision and the Court of Arbitration for Sport concluded that because scientific research on Pistorius indicated that there was no evidence that the biomechanical effects of using this particular prosthetic device gives the athlete an advantage over other athletes not using the device, the disabled athlete cannot be banned to compete in international IAAF-sanctioned events alongside able-bodied Athlete.

The Court further concluded that at least some IAAF officials had determined that they did not want Mr Pistorius to be acknowledged as eligible to compete in international IAAF-sanctioned events, regardless of the results that properly conducted scientific studies might demonstrate. They didnt want an athlete running on prosthetics in the Olympics. One IAAF official explained that including Pistorius affects the purity of sport.

More recently, when another Paralympian who competes on blades sought entry into the Olympic Games, Markus Rehm, a long jumper, the IAAF decided to quietly change its rules. In 2015 the IAAF quitly changed the requirement that the it had to show an advantage provided by technology in order to ban an athlete. The rule change meant that the burden of proof was now on the athlete to show that the use of technology would not provide him with an overall competitive advantage over an athlete not using such an aid.

As with Pistorius, there was also no conclusive evidence in the case of Markus Rehm that the use of the prosthetic provided an advantage. However, because the burden of proof had shifted, requiring the athlete to prove a negative (a virtually impossible task), he was not allowed to compete in the Rio Olympics.

Thus, if we apply the same standards to Nikes fancy new shoes that the IAAF applies to prosthetic limbs, then the shoes clearly are illegal under IAAF rules. They provide an overall competitive advantage over athletes not using the shoes. That is both what they were designed to do and also what is indicated by testing by my colleagues here at the University of Colorado. Not all athletes can use the shoes, because not all are sponsored by Nike. For the shoes to be allowed, proof would have to be provided that they do not provide an advantage.

So the IAAF finds itself in an interesting situation. If the new Nike shoes are to be allowed, then the same application of the rules would suggest that athletes running on blades should also be allowed to compete. Otherwise the message being sent is that human athletic performance can be enhanced using technology worn on the ends on ones legs only if those legs have not been amputated.

Similarly, if athletes who run on blades are in fact to be excluded, then the same application of the rules would suggest that the new Nike shoes should also be banned. The issue here immediately becomes one of discrimination and treatment under the rules that depends on the length of ones legs, not the technology that one affixes to their ends.

Athletes and their sponsors are always looking to eke out every bit of additional performance that they can. Technology offers one important route to performance enhancement, sometimes so much so that it must be regulated, as occurs with many performance enhancing drugs. The new Nike shoe is just the latest innovation in trying to achieve a bit more, and Nike hopes, to sell a lot more shoes.

The new shoe also provides us an opportunity to ask some difficult questions about who technology is for and what it means to use technology fairly in sport. Certainly, applying technology to breaking the threshold of a 2 hour marathon would be quite a notable achievement. So too would be applying technology to allow amputees to compete fairly in the Olympic games. But only one of these applications represents a more humane use of technology.