#and like. they're entirely allowed to have their opinion im just. brain is convinced everyone hates me now for no fucking reason.

[trans-estinien]

Sometimes I feel like doing this with my brain

#its 12 am and i should probably sleep instead of rambling but #man. its rough having your fav blorbo be a fucking terrible person #cause on one hand you have the villain woobifiers and people who just completely ignore major aspects of a character for a fucking ship #and on the other hand you have people who hate you for enjoying a character. and thinking said character is interesting #and yeah yeah i know not everyone will like me and i should just ignore it and keep on doing what i enjoy but. ugh. #and im also constantly worried that ill fuck up and become a villain woobifier myself #and im also constantly worried that when im writing my cannon blorbos ill fuck up and write something super ooc and people will get mad. #i think fandom was a mistake #but i also wouldn'tve met the besties without fandom so? you know. everything's got two sides #this is such a stupid thing to get all upset over but. #unfortunately i am a horrible man enjoyer this has been consistent my entire life. #and people usually dislike people who like your typical tumblr sexyman type character. which is fair most fans are insufferable #veils if you read this far this isnt abt you it's abt someone else. dont want to like start shit so i wont say names #but i saw. a vauge post from someone i thought was cool and i just. i knew it was directed towards the tags i left on their post #and i felt bad so now im having big anxiety over it. its really stupid i know #i am just going to retreat to my corner and hope to creation that im left alone. im just playing dress up with the blorbos #and like. they're entirely allowed to have their opinion im just. brain is convinced everyone hates me now for no fucking reason. #i gotta. work on this but idk how. therapy fucking failed cause i forgot about it 💀 #but. i should sleep. its past 9pm so my brain is not to be trusted. #ok fuck it ill just say it i feel guilty that Emet-Selch is not only my favorite character but also my comfort character. #im not going to stop liking him because that wouldn't be fun. plus others opinions dont really matter i can like whatever characters i want

[the-maggot-muncher]

rant time: disability and ableism

(don't worry there's a hopeful happy part at the end)

being disabled is a weird experience, just like in general. I have a disability that's more hidden than others, but it's still very real. i also have a mental disorder lol.

I hear ableist things all the time, even said directly to me. It's mostly from my grandma because we work together, yet it's still so awkward. Shes very judgmental and misinformed, and she's said harsh things to me about my own disability. Our boss is hiring two(2) new people for building, and they are both autistic, she thinks they shouldn't be allowed around power tools. if they had self/movement control issues then they likely wouldn't be going out of their way to do the job they're being hired for. It strange how utterly misinformed that she, and one of my coworkers who agreed, is. Her words are hurtful, and while she lived in another time, she still can't accept the change. And she has so much internalized ableism because she's growing older and medically disabled. It's so bad that she ends up hurting and pushing herself to prove that she's "stronger" or something, everyone knows she's strong, but she sees disability as so bad that she dreads it and hurts herself.

My own mother told me I wasn't disabled. She corrected herself and fully supports my disabilities, but for my own mother to doubt my issues just because I didn't fit a stereotype hurt.

There's also my aunt, a proud cancer survivor, who shamed me once for complaining about my disability. She told me I was being dramatic and that she wasn't bothered as a 50yr old woman who fought cancer, the activity we were doing was causing strain to my hips (i have hip dysplasia) and it was causing no strain on her whatsoever.

her partner is even worse, she grew up with tough love, so she gave me tough love. I have issues with social interaction and cues, shes made me cry a lot and refuses to change her language and style around me, knowing it hurts me. Our aunts take us on vcation every year, so we were having a conversation, somehow on the toipic of adhd. My aunts partner said something incredibly abelist(and also supporting child abuse) and i corrected her and told her that adhd is not something that can be BEAT out of children, it something in their brain. She decided to be the "bigger person" and say, infront of everyone, that I was a "bitch", im way too judgmental ad corrective, and that "thats the reason no one likes you". Safe to say i did shed a few tears. Yes, i correct people who are being abelist. However i also misinterpret social cues and "moods" and thought it was an actual conversation, i though as someone who was apart of the conversation was alowed to voice an opinion, didnt know that being anti-ableism and anti-abuse is bitchy. and i hav eproblems making friends because of my disability, and i also genuinely believe everyone hates me sometimes, because of my disability. the worst thing is that no one stood up for me, they just let her say terrible things to me. Thats how its always been, even when people see an injustice or something rude they just ignored it. It was a froup of 7, including my brother. And no one said anything reasssuring to me, she never apologized.

Also, my friend who knows exactly what my disability is, who is a complete asshole to me. when she gets mad or just bored shell completely shut down and ghost me irl. so much so to the point I've started crying multiple times and begged her to stop, she knows being ignored triggers my anxiety. she also likes to take things I care about (ie; my ceramics project for SCHOOL and my entire phone) and pretends to throw/drop them just to freak me out. She constantly tells me she hates me and gets pissed at me when she finds out that I was genuinely convinced she did. she speaks in very vague ways and refuses to elaborate, despite me not understanding social cues and asking for her to elaborate.

hatred is everywhere in this world, however, there are some safe places I've found.

I have a sole confidant, the one person who completely understands me, and listens. He respects me and assures me that he cares. He is also neurodivergent, so he somewhat understands, and even when he doesn't, he still treats we with respect.

When I started treatment for my anxiety I started talking more, my family was so proud of me, they praised me for opening up at family gatherings and they included me more. It was like I finally felt their love.

there are some good people in the world, people who care and love unconditionally.

#rant/vent #disability #neurodivergent #i actually started crying while writing the section at the very end cause its so sweet to remember #why did i write this #abelism #rant time #maggot

[literaphobe]

hi michelle! so want to start saying that i identify as bi and honestly, I would LOVE it if jake was bi. I think it'd be great. But i'm also okay if he's not, bc how cool is it that they're allowing a man to break down traditional gender norms/roles! i think one of the greatest parts of loving a show like b99 is that it lets us escape the 'real world' for twenty minutes every week. and that means something different for every person watching the show. 1

SO while i believe you are entitled to your own opinions, and you can share them on your blog bc it's yours, i don't think its fair to invite people to share their opinions but shut down anyone who feels differently than you. for example, you said to someone who said they didn't care if jake was bi that you hope they 'get well soon'. also, you posted saying that if bi people didnt want jake to be bi then they're wrong. im sorry but thats really hurtful. you dont get to decide how people think 2

just bc someone feels differently than you doesnt make their feelings less valid, ESPECIALLY someone who identifies as lgbt+. you run a popular blog and it makes me sad to think people might feel their opinions are less valid or wrong bc they see it here. again, im not saying you cant have opinions or post them. but maybe just think about how your words can affect others. also saying this off anon bc i respect you and am open to having a conversation. Thanks for reading, hope u have a good day

hi. thank you for ur mannerly tone and for having the courage to go off-anon.

mlm/bi representation will always be more important than ‘straight man comfortable with his sexuality’. while i am not saying that straight men in media shouldn’t be portrayed as comfortable in their sexualities, the stance that it’s okay to take away representation from people in the lgbt community as long as we have Good Hets is harmful, and it gives people in the tv/movie industries a cop out. they don’t have to give us more lgbt characters! straight characters who Know What’s Up are good enough to make them seem woke and avoid criticism! and whether you’re comfortable with this happening as an lgbt has nothing to do with it. we have to hold the media accountable, we can’t just settle for less. whether you want to watch b99 uncritically or not is entirely up to you. i get that it’s exhausting to analyze the media content you consume! i more than understand just wanting to escape and not ask for more! it’s tiring! it’s draining! it’s disappointing, it hurts so much and it gets so so lonely. but we can’t just let the world stagnate. progress needs to be made constantly, and shows can’t be made to feel like they can just do one or two good things and not be expected to do anything else! i’m not asking you to fight for this, i just want the acknowledgement that this is the right thing to do

i didn’t exactly... invite anyone to say anything. i truly am just sending my thoughts out into the void. and yes, i am aware that my words reach a wider audience because i have a larger than average follower count. of course i know my words can affect others. that’s what i’m trying to do. aside from getting thoughts out my brain, i want to promote a less passive line of thinking. i want lgbt folk to want better for themselves. unfortunately, because words and actions have responses, people will climb into my inbox and start conversations that i inevitably have to take part in (sometimes i don’t though. it really depends on where my head’s at that day. having to discuss this repeatedly is draining). most of the time, i’m just making a statement

i don’t particularly enjoy “shutting down people who feel differently from me”. usually, if i’ve done that, i really am tired because i’ve likely discussed and explained numerous times whatever it is the person who got shut down said to me. i might also come off as mean-spirited or perhaps aggressive if i know some anon is just trying to pick a fight/spew hate at me. if you don’t understand where i’m coming from/don’t believe why having an opposing stance is harmful (this might vary depending on the issue), i am (given i have energy that day) more than willing to elaborate on whatever it is i say here. if i say stuff like ‘get well soon!’ it is a tired response to something i have already covered in depth and i am making some semblance of a joke to deflect/put a lid on the stuff i really want to say (likely because i have already said it) 

i never said that bi people who didn’t want jake to be bi were wrong. i was trying to get them to think deeper and explore why they don’t want that. being lgbt sometimes means that we allow and normalize a lot of unfair treatment. we think that we have it good enough so we decide not to ask for more, to settle. and i will never blame any lgbt for falling victim to this line of thought. we were brought up to think this way, we were conditioned to think this way. acceptance does not equal inclusion, and sadly many of us are so grateful for the acceptance that we do not bother to even think about having inclusion. or, better inclusion, for that matter. of course, it is definitely not up to me to decide how anyone thinks. i’m just trying to convince you! very desperately. but if you don’t agree no matter what i say then what can i do? it’s your life. it doesn’t affect me much in the grand scheme of things. i’m not going to hate you for disagreeing. i’m not going to sic the dogs on you. am i going to be kind of annoyed if someone walks into my inbox, turns on anon, and hurls insults at me? yes, that’s hurtful, and it’s kind of funny sometimes depending on how dumb you sound, but it’s mostly tiring and a lot of pain. so like... read, if u don’t like it, move on, if your well-being is drastically affected from reading the things i say, i’ll tag it so you can blacklist 

the sad thing is, being a member of the lgbt community doesn’t automatically make your opinions on lgbt issues valid/unproblematic. internalized homophobia exists. things i described in the point above can lead to this. just because a bi person says ‘im bi! and i don’t care/don’t think bi jake is important!’ doesn’t mean that suddenly, there is no need for him to be canonically bi, that we aren’t being queerbaited/pandered to by the show. do i think that the show is intentionally/heinously queerbaiting us? not exactly. but lack of awareness and lacking understanding on why bi-coding jake w no intention to make it canon is just as harmful bc it produces the same result (in jake’s case)

once again, i don’t intend for people to feel “less valid/wrong” when they read what i have to say on this blog. self-reflection is important. sometimes, people have opinions that are wrong! including myself! which is why more often than not i think deeply into the things people say to me here and consider whether my opinion holds up. you don’t have to feel bad for being wrong. we are all constantly wrong on stuff. everyone, at some point, has had a bad take/the wrong take on something. if you hold yourself up to this standard that you must always be right or you are suddenly a horrible person/must feel bad and demoralized, i suggest that you change your approach to issues such as this. i hate to say this but it is not my job to make sure everyone is 100% cool and chill about everything i do and say here. some things need to be said. some things need to be acknowledged. i’m sorry if any of you have been hurt/upset by anything i’ve ever posted but after a certain point... that is your issue and not mine 

#ask #ncrit #sorry for the long post #thank you once again for being respectful #i hope this wasn't too harsh #i hope you have a nice day too :) #arnie-santiago