#and it breaks my heart to see people interpret it as being about pointless cruelty

[luxlightly]

It always upsets me so much when I see interpretations/illustrations of the two headed calf poem that show a living calf being torn away from its mother and killed to sell to a museum and framing the poem as being "humanity kills beautiful things for being different".

Two headed cows almost never survive more than a few hours after their birth. The farmer finds the *body* the next day. The calf was destined to die, and that's a tragedy, but for the time it was alive, it had a beautiful and unique experience.

It's not a poem about the cruelty of man. It's a poem about the beauty of life in an indifferent universe. It's about purpose and beauty being able to exist even in an existence doomed to come to an end, as all our lives are. It's not a poem about how a calf dies, but how, even for only a brief moment, it was alive.

And, for that moment, because of that life, however fleeting, the sky had twice as many stars.

#i get choked up about that poem #and it breaks my heart to see people interpret it as being about pointless cruelty #instead of a celebration of the beauty of existence

[steveyockey]

so what r ur thoughts on dean seeing cas as not-human how does that fit into his Feelings about cas? did they work to bury them or was it like oh well this is obvs not gonna go anywhere he’s a talking dog. was he self aware in the trap? did self awareness and understanding slam into him post-15x18?

oh this is gonna be a long one 

not to be too by-the-book on this, but to start with your last question, I’m absolutely on board with jensen’s post 15.18 explanation (which I will link here) that, even in the moments leading up to the confession, dean still conceptualized of cas as a celestial being who thinks in a way that “might not be comprehensible by a human heart or by a human brain.”

in my interpretation of his response, he was trying to counteract the narrative he had seen on social media (he admitted to doing a little investigation into how people were reacting) that dean was unresponsive on account of his rejection of cas/“holding back a slur.” I think it’s actually a really genius move that he completely reoriented the conversation away from sexuality to clarify what he as the character was thinking in this moment — it wasn’t oh my god a person I perceive as a man is confessing his love to me, another man, in a way that’s unquestionably not heterosexual but instead this creature I have built up in my mind as too vast and powerful for pitiful human emotions is telling me the thing I never knew I wanted to hear most in the world and this articulation should be impossible for his being, especially considering I am not worthy of this level of attention from a cosmic entity. which I think is also reflective of his general understanding of cas at all times, not necessarily at the forefront of his mind but part of the landscape of awareness, which, as I stated previously, dean deals with by diminishing cas. he’s a baby in a trench coat, a little nerdy dude with wings, and of course, kind of like a talking dog. because if you can’t come to terms with something vast, you might need to pretend it’s actually quite small. and when the vast thing seems to willingly live in your house, you need to reason with that in a way that makes it something involuntary, like animal devotion. and if this vast thing also is the object of your affection and makes you feel protective in the way that you know death herself would make you watch him die because that would be more painful to you that the loss of your own life, you might talk about him in a way that dismisses his agency.

I think it’s important to clarify that I don’t think dean lacks all awareness of cas’s feelings for him before 15.18. I mean, they have a child together. they watch movies together, they drink beers together, they are in a lot of ways already living in ambiguous bachelor paradise. repression isn’t a single action but an endless cycle of questioning/hoping/fearing/cordoning/etc. it’s not a question of whether dean represses his feelings for cas or if he understands his feelings to be pointless since they can never be consummated, he’s dealing with both of those tracks simultaneously. there’s even an additional track where he entertains that cas does have feelings for him but thinks their current relationship is the best it’s ever gonna get due to 1. internalized homo/biphobia (which functions as both an internal and external deterrent, internal in that being gay/bi does not comport with dean’s allowed reading of self and external in that to embrace a relationship with a man would be to willingly expose both of them to additional cruelty), 2. the idea that, even if cas has feelings for dean, they are of such a fundamentally different substance it would disservice both of them to try to make it work, and 3. his ingrained belief that love is a weakness which will be taken advantage of.

obviously a lot of this logic is completely annihilated by the confession; cas names love as a strength and classifies his feelings as deeply human. it’s not so much that his words unbury what dean had buried but that they decimate the narrative he bought into that clarifying the feelings of either party would ruin their relationship. I think the sexuality conundrum also dissolves at this point, just on account of dean having a willing object of affection. it’s not about loving men, it’s about loving cas.

of course the trap is essential to this moment, but I would say it’s actually most significant not for what it says about how dean interprets cas’s feelings but how dean views his own feelings. dean’s prayer is really the first time the entire show he’s held himself accountable for his supposedly righteous anger. he’s deliberately breaking his own rules to never give voice to the meaning of their relationship and also to never give voice to his failings in a way that isn’t self-serving. he’s acknowledging their bond while acknowledging he has responsibility over the harm he does even when this harm is something that he’s been taught to tacitly accept as the price of the ticket — because he’s harmed cas (something that shouldn’t even be possible in his reading of cas as foreign). and he’s only speaking this aloud because the relationship is fractured and he thinks cas could be dead and the one thing dean understands without question is life without cas is not worth living. I do think the prayer mutually deepens the understanding both characters have of their relationship, but it isn’t enough on its own to shake for dean the idea that cas feels in a different way, albeit one significant enough to make him decenter the rage he has long viewed as core to his being. if the prayer is a decentering process, the confession is a recentering process. cas, previously assumed as unfeeling, and dean, previously assumed to only act in anger, both become characters motivated first and foremost by love.

#this is an ask i got after last night's 'cas is kind of like a talking dog' breakdown #anon #spn #ziz watches spn #one day i will learn to stop talking #i honestly don't even know if i answered the question here #everyone who thought we weren't going to tumblr university today - surprise!

[bytheangell]

Take the Power Back

(Read on AO3) (SPOILER WARNING: This is a sneak peek continuation to the Maia scene released yesterday!) 

“You can’t just kick him out.” Maia hopes her words will catch on to whatever sliver of basic human decency she knows Russell has left somewhere deep, deep down.

“Watch me.”

Clearly she’s mistaken.

“We don’t need more fear right now. You can’t just terrorize everyone into agreeing with you!” She needs him to listen to reason but it’s clearly too high of an expectation for Russell.

“I can,” he points out. “But I don’t need to: I’m the Alpha, and you have to listen to me whether I scare you or not, little girl.”

Maia knows that it isn’t entirely cruelty fueling Russell’s words. He might act tough and infallible but she can sense exactly how much of it is an act to keep people too afraid to challenge him when he speaks. Even before he was Alpha it was a tactic he used frequently - get the majority of the pack behind him and Luke would feel the pressure to keep Russell happy enough to not start trouble.

But Maia isn’t stupid: now that he has what he wants, he’s afraid of losing it. He’s afraid of fucking up. He’s afraid of making the wrong call, and rightfully so, because he’s doing it right now.

Instead of rising to the bait of his taunting words, Maia keeps her mouth shut. She’s not about to play his game. Without saying another word to him or any of the other wolves she makes her way straight for the door that Bat just disappeared through.

“Don’t think I won’t kick you out with him!” Russell sneers at her back. “Luke isn’t around to protect you anymore. No more special treatment, Maia!”

She’s thankful he can’t see the frown on her face at the threat with her back turned to him. He’s not wrong - she spoke her mind plenty with Luke as the Alpha, because she knew he had her back when she was justified. Now it looks like intelligent debate and conversation are out the window in this new regime.  

She isn’t sure what she expects to see when she gets outside. Maybe a part of her hopes that Bat is already out of sight, resolutely determined to follow his gut and go to work, consequences be damned. She isn’t surprised, however, to see him pacing just a few feet away from the building.

“I’m going back inside,” Bat says before the door fully closes behind her. “I can’t do this.”

“Yes you can. He’s wrong to try and keep you indoors - we’re a pack, not his prisoners. He can’t do this.” Her arms cross over her chest as she shakes her head.

“He can. He is. And I can’t just walk away from the pack�� I need you.” His eyes are pleading, tone helpless, and Maia’s struck by how vulnerable he looks. She isn’t sure if he’s speaking about needing the pack or needing her specifically; she supposes, right now, that in his mind they’re one in the same.

“...but I really need this job, too.” He continues, right back to pacing.  “And if I don’t show up they’re going to fire me, no questions asked.”

Maia sighs. “You aren’t going to lose me, alright? Even if he does something, I’m not going to abandon you. You have my word.”

“I’m not strong enough to be on my own, Maia. Even with you… I appreciate your help, really, I do. But I need the pack.”

There’s a fear in his eyes that breaks Maia’s heart. He’s so much stronger than he realizes but she has to admit that he has a point - they’re all better off with a pack in general, but he’s still so new to all of this. He needs an entire system of support, not just her.  

“Alright, so we’ll talk to him. I can get him to listen to me.” She hopes the words sound more confident than she feels about them because it sure didn’t sound like Russell was going to listen to her a minute ago, but she has to try. If not for her sake, then for Bat’s.

Bat attempts a half-smile but he’s shaking his head. “It’s pointless. You haven’t been here, he’s only gotten worse…” he looks down suddenly, unable to hold her gaze. Maia’s stomach sinks as she wonders just how bad things were in the time she was away.  “And even if he does listen this time, what happens the next time you aren’t here? I can’t always expect you to fight my battles for me.”

He’s being as nice as he can about it, but the implication is clear. She left him. She left all of them. Bat’s words sting but they aren’t unjustified: what happens the next time. Not if she leaves again, but when, like it’s an expectation now. She can take care of herself so why shouldn’t she come and go as she pleases?

One look at Bat, already resigning himself to losing his job for the sake of pleasing the whims of an entitled Alpha, and she has her answer.

Bat needs the guidance and solidarity of a pack… but not the sort that Russell is providing. That isn’t the example she wants any new wolf to learn from. It certainly isn’t the sort of attitude she wants the other pack members to start adapting, either. She was lucky to have Luke to take her in and guide her. To be her family. Because that’s what a pack is: a pack is a family, and it needs to be nurturing. It needs to let people grow, challenging them to be the best versions of themselves.  

Not whatever this is turning into.

Maia isn’t sure when she realizes the direction her train of thought is going. Its gradual, something that dawns on her slowly over the course of their conversation rather than a sudden moment of revelation.

It isn’t enough to keep saying that Russel is wrong, that his leadership is questionable and his mentality harmful. Saying it doesn’t fix the problem.

In fact, nothing is going to fix the problem so long as he’s Alpha.

She hates it, but with Luke gone she can’t just sit back any longer. She might be young but she’s smart, and she’s tough, and most importantly her heart is in the right place.  

“Don’t worry. I’m going to make sure you don’t have to choose between looking out for yourself and staying in the pack. In fact, I’m going to make sure none of us have to put up with his holier-than-thou attitude ever again.”

“You’re not going to do anything stupid, are you? Don’t, not on my account.” Bat’s gaze darts to the door behind Maia like he’s half-expecting Russell to come bursting out at any moment.

“Stupid may be up to interpretation,” Maia admits. “But it isn’t just for you. It’s for me, too, and all the condescending bullshit I have to put up with. It’s for every wolf in there he’s scared into submission; everyone who’s afraid to have an opinion of their own with Luke gone.” She sighs. “I don’t know why I thought I could run from this.”

“Maia, you’re not going to--” Bat starts, but the flash of fire behind her eyes stops his words dead. This isn’t up for discussion, her mind is made up.

“I have to. Someone has to put him in his place.” She holds her head a little higher, her back a little straighter, jaw set. “I don’t plan on leaving again, so if I’m here to stay it’s going to be on my terms.”

Ever since she came back to the city everything is different: with the Shadowhunters, with the pack, with Simon. She’s been trying to figure out where she fits again in the wake of everything that changed without her, feeling more than a little unsteady in her own world. For a little while she felt like she was spiraling and she hated the uncertainty that followed her every moment until now. This is the first thing that settles within her and it makes sense.

This is where she belongs, and it’s time for her to make it somewhere everyone can feel like they belong, too.

This is where she starts taking back control of her life.

Maia turns to go back inside, pausing just long enough to call over her shoulder, “Go to work, Bat. You’ll have a place to come back to when your shift is over.”

“I’m holding you to that,” he says, trying not to betray the fear he feels for her. Maia nods once in reply and reaches for the door, disappearing inside with grim determination.

She doesn’t plan on letting him down again.

#maia roberts #bat velasquez #shadowhunters #shfanficnexus #sh spoilers #sh 3x13 #my first sneak peek fic of 3B (not counting the breakfast scene we got ages ago) eyyyyyy! #also trying my hand at a little more Maia so *fingers crossed* #elle writes a few deadbeat lines