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#and im supposed to go to work tomorrow but if i feel like this still theres no way i can do a 9 hour shift
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Thank You
Pairing: Uchiha Itachi x f!Reader
Summary: Going blind and coughing up blood, Itachi had to seek some kind of medical aid, if only to prolong the inevitable. It helped that some random farming village's secondary clinician was so understanding and willing to provide that aid - but now, after a year of visits and spinning a Parnassian lie, he's started to care for the clincian, against his better judgement.
W/c: 2.7k
Warnings: meh, fluff, just Itachi going blind and trying to be nice (also him negating to tell our girl that he isn't just some wayward poet)
Notes: totally totally totally inspired by this post by @weeny-mcbitch !! also, was supposed to be a drabble that I stayed up all night to write instead, so lmk if y'all want a part 2, im teeming with ideas rn (also, im working on my requests, i swear to god, this is kinda like a warm up for one of then - whoever sent in that itachi and shisui one ily youre a genius) anyway lmk if this sucks
Masterlist💿
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He was such a kind man, there wasn't a thing in the world you wouldn't have done for him, for free. Just his thanks and the small, reluctant smiles he would give you were payment enough.
"I don't want your money, Itachi," you giggled as you reshelved an assortment of herbs. "When have I ever made you pay for my silly, little pills?"
"They're not silly, and you should."
Looking over to him and his holey cloak, you just asked with a grin, "When are you going to let me fix up that ratty cloak of yours, anyway?"
"I'm practically stealing from you as is," he grimaced, holding up the bottle of pills you had just pressed.
Itachi stared at the exam room wall in front of him with wide, unmoving eyes for a moment longer before letting them trail to you. Smiling at him softly, you returned a jar of Goldenseal essence to your wall. His stare made you nervous - it was as if he were looking straight through you, despite an effort. You shelved the final jar and put your hands up, one in front of the other, aimed at Itachi.
"What are you doing?"
"How many fingers am I holding up with the hand closer to you?"
"Why are you doing this?" He asked with a sigh, looking back to the wooden wall in front of him. Dropping your hands, you moved to sit beside Itachi on the bench of your family's exam room.
Your father was your village's clinician, trained by his father and his father before him. He had been training you thusly to carry on the title, which allowed you the facility to care for the wandering ninja before you, whenever he came along. It wasn't terribly often that Itachi would visit, but you always made sure to be thorough in your examination when he would.
"Last time you were here, I noticed you were having some issues with your depth perception. This time, your pupils aren't properly dilating with the light," you told him softly. Itachi just turned his head down to look at the floor instead. Sighing, you put your hand on his shoulder, squeezing lightly as you said, "I'm not an optometrist by any stretch, but my cousin is. If you're still here tomorrow afternoon, I can get you an appointment."
"I won't be."
His voice was firm, but had such an feeling of regret attached to it. You frowned, letting his shoulder go. He was an adult, and a wanderer, no less. There wasn't a thing in the world you could do to force Itachi to do anything.
The air in the room had gotten much too thick for your liking. So you smiled, bumping your shoulder against his as you stood again, remarking, "I suppose the life of a travelling poet doesn't allow time for optometry then."
"No, it doesn't..." Itachi trailed off.
You just chuckled lightly, collecting your notes on the wanderer that were strewn across your father's desk. Your desk. The practitioner's desk. A life of poetry and meandering seemed so nice in comparison to your boring life. Though, Itachi never meandered. He never seemed to have the time. You'd think a man of his lifestyle would have all the time in the world.
"Will you ever share one of your poems with me?" You asked, lining your year's worth of papers up before sliding them into your bag.
"What?"
Scared out of your skin, you jumped away from Itachi, who was suddenly standing beside you. He took a step back, extending his arms to you. Itachi's face filled with worry as his cloudy, black eyes jumped around your entire body.
"I'm sorry," he said quickly. "I didn't mean to frighten you, I should have made more noise. I'm so s-"
"It's alright," you murmured, taken by the slight parting of his lips and furrow of his brow. You just stared at his face, heart corralling itself, as a different Itachi stood before you. One you hadn't seen before. Inhaling deeply, you bit down on your lip, murmuring, "As an aside... you smell amazing."
Closing his mouth, Itachi blinked slowly as his expression morphed into that of confusion, then to a slight... well, you didn't know. He just seemed caught off guard, though pleasantly so. Itachi's brow relaxed slightly, and you were blessed with his small smile. The right corner of his mouth lifted just slightly higher as his eyes roamed your face, and Itachi leaned forward unconsciously. You smiled back, collecting the straps of your bag as you maintained your gaze on Itachi.
After a long while, Itachi rubbed the back of his neck, turning his eyes to the ground. "What do I smell like?"
"I dunno," you chuckled, pulling your bag over your shoulder and walking up beside Itachi. You leaned closer to him and took a long breath, deep and thoughtful. Humming, you mumbled, "Like a very foggy forest, I suppose."
"Ugh, that's terribly musky," Itachi complained with a kind of joke in his tone that was foreign to your ear. You smiled as Itachi turned his head to look at you, his minty breath washing over you as he asked hesitantly, "And you... like that?"
"I do, indeed," you confirmed with a nod. "Though, I can smell a distinct lack of mullein on you. Make sure you're steaming those pills properly."
"I do," he replied almost indignantly.
You chuckled as you asked, "With the towel over your head, and all?"
Itachi's nose twitched, nodding, "As embarrassing and time consuming as it is, yes."
"What colours come up after?"
"Black, and blood."
"Are you coughing while over the pot?"
Itachi's face scrunched up at your question. "No, ew, why would I-"
"Don't cough into the pot, take your head out for a second," you laughed, shaking your head. Walking to the exam room door, you flicked off the lights, allowing the moonlight from the window to illuminate the room. "You shouldn't suppress your coughs, that will only make you cough harder when you give in."
You opened the door and turned back to the beautiful, black haired poet. He stood by the desk, nodding silently and softly. Itachi's large eyes reflected the shine of the moon so wonderfully, it was like you could see the individual beams as they touched the different shades of his dark irises. 
Eh, what the Hell. "Care to walk me home, or does the Poet's Life not allow time for that either?"
Elegant as a dancer, Itachi swiveled on his heel and came to you with his small smile returned to his full lips. His cloak swished as he walked toward you, his footsteps no louder than those of the smallest mouse in the largest church. Voice as rich as your grandmother's chocolate cake, Itachi hummed,
"I can make the time, if only for you."
"Oh, stop, now you're just flirting with me," you grinned as the black haired man followed you out of the primary exam room.
"And if I am?"
"Well," you grinned with a blush, locking the door. "Then I would smile, kiss you, and say thank you."
"Then I'm awaiting your kiss."
"You're awfully bold this evening, Itachi," you giggled, hooking your arm into his as you began to walk down the short hallway of exam rooms.
He smiled, looking straight forward as he walked with you, putting his other hand over yours. Just his presence was so calming, but it was like contact with him put your soul in a trance. Nothing bothered your mind, nothing nagged - everything felt peaceful, or at least tentatively so. The two of you swept into the waiting room and you both turned back to lock the door to the hallway.
"Do you have a boyfriend? A husband?"
"Cripes, Itachi, how old do you think I am? A husband?" You exclaimed with a laugh.
"You said you were nineteen a few months ago," Itachi said with a gentle voice. "A young woman like you... you should have a husband... someone to love you."
"Lots of people love me," you replied, mocking his earlier indignance, pulling Itachi through the dark waiting room.
"That's not what I meant," he sighed, pursing his lips. You frowned a bit, recognizing he thought you were upset. Itachi's hand stiffened over yours, as if he was worried you would let go. Drawing a deep breath, he clarified slowly, "I meant... I'm sorry, I just- you're so... it's unbelievable that no one has... you must decline a thousand proposals a day, is what I mean."
"Awfully poetic wording," you remarked jokingly.
Opening the front door of the clinic, you and Itachi squeezed through together while you chewed on your lip. The night air was crisp, wrapping you in a ticklish blanket, which had you you tighten your grip around Itachi's bicep. The muscle rippled beneath your fingers as Itachi pulled you a step closer to him while you locked the final door.
"My dad takes care of that for me," you admitted, drawing him down the steps of your family's clinic and onto the dirt road. "He needs me at the clinic, and in the garden, and at home - one day, he'll decide we need a next generation to continue the clinic, but I've still got a few more years."
Looking over, you remarked the frown that had settled onto Itachi's lips. Still staring ahead, Itachi looked genuinely upset by your words, almost troubled.
"I wish... I'm sorry," he simply said.
"Not your fault, poet," you shrugged, rubbing small circles into his bicep. "I'm content. I've got a job, a small nation's worth of friends, and the attention of the most handsome ninja in the world."
"Who?" Itachi snapped, head swiveling so quickly you could hear a small crunch of cartilidge.
With a chuckle, you shook his arm. "Don't tell me you're losing your sharpness along with your eyesight." Itachi quirked his eyebrow at you, squinting as he did. You snickered, "You, Itachi, are the most handsome ninja- no, human - and you're gorgeous. Drop-dead gorgeous."
"Now you're just flirting with me."
"I am, but I'm also telling the honest truth," you replied, feeling like your heart was going to beat out of your chest at any second.
Looking forward, you could make out the lights of your house in the distance. You turned your head up, hearing the crickets' chirps and the soft breaths Itachi took. The stars above where abundant in the black canvas of the sky, the white and yellow specks flickered in every corner, as far as the eye could see. Right in the center of the sky, directly above the two of you, a big, bright, full moon shone, bathing your little village in silver glow. Everything seemed so perfect, so picturesque - as if the whole world was as calm as you. Perhaps it was, if only while you walked with Itachi.
"Do you know any of the constellations?" Itachi asked you gently, only a few paces from your house.
"Not a one, you?"
"I could draw you a map of the sky, if you wanted me to."
You looked over casually as Itachi raised his eyes to the sky. He began squinting and widening his eyes, pupils stagnant and his eyes dry. Despite the obvious troubles, Itachi raised his hand from yours and pointed. Your eyes followed up his arm, his index finger drawing a strange figure eight in the Northern sky as he mumbled,
"There... do you see a really bright star and a kind of fish shape?"
Matching his squint, you looked where he pointed. Itachi's finger was a ways off the brightest star in that direction, but you assumed that was the star he meant.
"I see the bright one, I think, but the fish is a bit tough."
"Well, the star is called Vega, and the constellation is Lyra," he told you, bringing his hand back to rest atop yours on his bicep. Itachi squeezed your hand to his muscle and he continued, "It's a lyre, like the one Orpheus played."
"Who's Orpheus? And who's the liar?"
"A lyre is a harp of sorts, but Orpheus' is a very long story, sweetheart," Itachi chuckled lowly as the two of you approached your house.
With a shrug, you pulled him to the stairs to your door and sat on the second step, letting go of his arm.
"I've got the time for a story."
Smiling, Itachi sat next to you and began, "Then forget Orpheus for a second while I tell you about Jason."
Over the hours of the night, Itachi divulged the epic legends of Jason and his Argonauts, shifting to Orpheus and Eurydice after. You listened with rapt attention, clinging to every word as he gesticulated wildly. Itachi painted such vivid imagery with his tongue that you had no doubt he was a poet. Of course people would pay to listen to his voice, to be taken into a world of his creation.
As he recited the tales, you asked him questions. Silly, little questions, you thought, but they derailed him greatly, sending him on tangents about different translations and different versions of the same myth.
"He has to turn around."
"But he can't, you just said that was the rule."
"What would you do, if your love refused to look at you?" Itachi asked, eyes locked with yours.
You shrugged and yawned, "I dunno, you're always staring at me."
"Okay, then think," he chuckled. "I'm in front of you, and you can only see the back of my head, as we walk out of Hell."
"Sounds alright."
"We're in Hell though, sweetheart," Itachi reminded you with a smug smile. "The ground is alive, only to trip you - demons are swarming and taunting us - we're surrounded by danger. And I don't look back... I don't check if you're still with me, or if you're alright."
"Oh, I get it, I get it," you hummed with a nod. "But still, we would be fine, as soon as we're safe on Earth."
"Eurydice didn't think so." Itachi tore his eyes away from yours, looking to the sky as it lightened. "In the one version where Orpheus doesn't turn, Eurydice turned back. She returned to Hell, not wanting to live if Orpheus didn't care enough to check on her."
"That's terribly sad, Itachi."
He looked back to you, smiling softly despite your words. "I'm sorry, sweetheart. I don't mean to sadden you."
"I'm not sad." You yawned again, leaning on Itachi's shoulder. "Not sad at all."
"I should let you go in, get some sleep while you still can."
"Next time you come, you should stay with me," you suggested, almost ignoring his attempt to leave. "You could stay for a few days even, get some proper writing in. The village isn't awe-inspiring, but we've got a few nice streams and valleys."
Itachi took a deep breath, then leaned his head against yours gently. The two of you sat on your step, simply breathing together as the sky shifted from a navy blue to a darling lilac. Slowly, the stars that Itachi seemed to know so much about faded into the distance, leaving you only a twinkle in your mind to mark their presence. Birds stirred awake, the hatchlings cheeping desperately for breakfast from their diligent parents. The birds awoke the cicadas, who started their droning early, before the sun even began to rear it's stunning halo over the horizon.
The silence that you and the wandering poet had constructed began to seep away as the farmers began their morning duties. Machinery whirred to life, and farmhands slowly started stumbling from their houses, on their ways to their contracts.
No louder than a whisper, Itachi mumbled, "I need to go."
"Why? A limerick on the tip of your tongue?"
"You could say that," he smiled, lifting his head off of yours slowly. Once you raised your head from his shoulder, Itachi stood and extended his hand to you. You took it gratefully, and Itachi added, "I'll come back soon."
"I hope," you replied honestly, squeezing his hand. Itachi's Obsidian eyes flickered around your face, his pupils dilating wide. You grinned, "I'll work on some eyedrops for you - I can't restore muscle, but I can help qualm the dryness."
"You don't have to do that."
"I want to."
"Okay," Itachi whispered.
Carefully, he brought his free hand to your face, tracing your cheekbone with his thumb as his fingers pressed against your jaw.
When you leaned against him, Itachi let go of your hand, in favour of cupping your face on either side. You rested your palms around his thick, bare, scarred forearms, as the tattered sleeves of his cloak had fallen to his elbows. For a minute, you and Itachi stood in the quiet of the morning as his fingers gently roamed around your face. They brushed down your nose, feeling each dip in your jaw and temples, gently squeezing the flesh of your cheek. Everywhere he touched, a trail of tingling fire was left, making your heart bounce around in your chest. Itachi's small smile grew on his face, deepening from a simple smirk to a full-blown beam.
Blinking a few times, Itachi said, a decibel louder, "You are... very, very pretty, Y/n."
You smiled, leaning forward to the balls of your feet. Lingering for only a second, you pressed a kiss to Itachi's cheek. His face bloomed quite the rosy red, as you said,
"Thank you."
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toxooz · 2 months
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been binging tf outa Avatar the last airbender bc ive been puking my EVERLOVIN guts out since yesterday and hear me out
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ouchhq · 6 months
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>:(
#i need to vent a little im sorry pls ignore this if u are bothered by my thoughts#SH tw !!!!!!#this morning i was supposed to have my weekly therapy session but i had to cancel bc my mom got covid and obviously stayed home from work#and i do online therapy and i didnt feel comfortable doing it with my mom around but i really needed to do it tbh#and then my professor replied to my email with all of the things ive been working on since august and didnt say anything about the material#he just asked to call me on the phone tomorrow and i started to spiral…. like Spiral with a capital s#even now thinking about it my stomach sinks bc i have this feeling that his feedback is going to be negative and i just know my#barely existent self esteem is going to break and idk what im gonna do with myself then#this afternoon while i was spiraling all i wanted to do was /hurt/ myself. i kept thinking that i wasnt good enough and i had done a#horrible job.. so bad that he couldnt even tell me by email but needed to do it on the phone and i felt like throwing up and i couldnt get#/​that/ thought out of my head and i could only cry#and all of this not even actually knowing what my professors feed back is going to be because this is just all in my head#but i was talking to my school friends and they were like oh its gonna be fine even if he doesnt like it u can still put the project in ur#portfolio hes not even our professor anymore and so on#and i kept saying that i knew that but i just could not handle that sort of feedback and rejection mentally#i was telling them that i knew i would crumble if i got real negative feedback and i was terrified of that and they just couldnt get it and#idk it made me feel really lonely#im a bit calmer now but i feel so depressed#i am really anticipating something that will hurt really bad
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grabbing the ichi plush by the neck and death gripping it like 'good things are to come its all going to be ok good things are to come' like its a lucky amulet
#snap chats#i didnt even pre order the ichi plush but spiritually i did. good luck charm.#anyway rant time look away from here. Im At My Limit <- i say this every week#I DONT EVEN KNOW WHATS WRONG <- lying. my moms home#i just feel terrible again. i feel so awful i gave myself a headache from being upset#do you know how upset you have to be to give yourself a headache just sitting and thinking#that happened when i was taking a spanish test once but i think i was just so stupid my brain actually started to hurt trying to think#i also remember being sad as hell that day tho so....... maybe it was both#everyday it feels like im sad thats so fucked up and theres nothing i can do about it#ALSO IT'S RAINING AGAIN rain never promises anything good unless you're a plant#im working but i should have this done in. idk a few hours#and then its the weekend right.... there's no limitations for sadness though brother doesn't run on a schedule#unless we're talking about seasonal depression but we know what i mean#ew im supposed to go to that con tomorrow i dont even know if i want to go anymore#i just don't want to do anything anymore ig is the vibe#idk i have a journal to whine bout all this in ╮(╯-╰)╭ squeezing ichi plush is a mood tho so im still posting#maybe if i play a lil y7 ill remember theres good things to wake up for..#also i gave myself another headache OWOWOWOW STOP when will it end#wait let me be sad again because my dad said we'd hang out today or tomorrow#but i just know that's not happening and now im even more sad WEHHH no one loves me etc etc die#sometimes you just need a melodramatic teenager moment i think we're all due that right like once a month#ok i have to stop my head really hurts ☠️☠️☠️
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pinkseas · 5 months
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my manager is WAY too fucking nice to me im gonna explode
#emeto tw#emeto cw#in tags ->#i started having a panic attack at work earlier but i didnt really get the chance to go in back and chill for a bit so it just got worse#like REALLY fucking bad worse than ive had in . at least years maybe Ever. i have not thrown up in over a decade now but#i started fucking dry heaving behind the register i REALLY thought i was going to be sick it was a close thing#i couldnt even call my coworker up i just had to fucking dip and pray she realized i was gone (she did thank fuck)#and then i was shaking really bad really freaking out still fucking dry heaving in the back of the store and it was just.#easily one of the worst experiences ive had in a LONG time like december will not leave me alone <- covid then appendicitis and now this WH#and my manager hadnt been in the store at the time but she came in thru the back and saw me and i was like hey haha funny story#and she was so concerned and told me to stay in back as long as i needed and that i could go home if i wanted to etc etc#ended up bringing my bag back for me and bringing me water and she checked in on me every 5-10 mins until my parents finally got there#she was rly nice and rly understanding and then the coworker i abandoned who is also kind of my manager. also came back#and SHE was ALSO super fucking sweet about it really concerned didnt want me to feel bad abt it (i feel so fucking bad abt it)#i did end up having to go home early bc. dear god. and i texted my manager just now asking if i could leave a bit earlier tomorrow#bc im supposed to have another 8 hour shift but i didnt even make it to 4 hours today and im rly nervy abt it happening again#and she straight up was like 'are you sure? i was genuinely planning on covering your shift myself' SHE DOESNT EVEN WORK UP FRONT#SHE'D BE GOING BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN THE REGISTER AND KITCHEN AND SHE'D BE THERE FOR AT LEAST OVER 12 HOURS#like okay. okay. when i texted my parents abt it dad told me 'its probably just nerves. try to push through it'#but my manager and coworkers r gonna be the sweetest kindest most understanding people about it. okay. sure. okay.#surely u see why i am exploding WHY ARE THEY SO NICE?????????? i feel so fucking guilty GOD#alyalyoxenfree
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chronic-invisibility · 8 months
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Ya boy got not 1 but 2 friday the 13th tattoos today!
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orcelito · 1 year
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Is going hiking with my family a cat death sentence?
I went hiking a week before Sammy died. I went hiking two weeks ago.
On the 28th, symptoms suddenly hit. 29th spent in hope. 30th they're dead
Sure are some mirrors for my boys haha
Ha
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opens-up-4-nobody · 1 year
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...
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pebblezone · 1 year
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who’s up making sound effects ☝️☝️☝️
#talkingcore#realizing that the little pshooo noise I make when moving an object from one place to another can in fact be heard and perceived by others#purely on the basis I don’t hear anyone else making sound effects… you’re telling me I’m supposed to just push elevator buttons in silence??#like when you’re looking for things you don’t do like a lil choochoo chugging a long situation? okay… 👁️👁️💥💥💥💥#hot girl walk backfired I am so sleepy fuck this group project I can’t do anything til other people put info in…. I want to sleep#they pushed it off an extra 50 minutes pls let’s just get it done so I can go to sleep peacefully at like idk 8:30 (this is unrealistic)#I can sense the stress and disappointment. so sad so sad#maybe I’ll wait to post so I can have as much of my woes in one place (I am so sleepy)#this is hell I forgot we had a floor meeting at 830. the dude whose work I’m waiting on is not done. I’m feeling like the Arthur dad#tip: I am so fucking mad though the mad is really just Tired it’s due at 9 am tomorrow I do not want to be thinking about this past 10pm#it’s 8:49 maybe it’ll be good soon Please I need Slumber though also there’s Clunking going around who’s clunking#919 literally no progress this is super hell. DUDE WHERE SRE YOU GOING WE ARE ALL WAITING ON YOU AHHHHHHHHHHHH#man…………….. this is twisted. and sick :((((#THEY FINALLY FREED ME 9:37 GOD DAMN… AND THEYRE STILL NOT DONE IM JUST NOT TRAPPED ON ZOOM#this is my attack on London for Realsies we already had an extension it should’ve been due this morning. ass cheeks up for Real for real for
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this-doesnt-endd · 1 year
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I need to start doing my physical therapy exercises again
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.
#i think i might be having a nervous breakdown#i dont think there will ever be a good time to have one but this week is a very bad week for me to have one#so uh idk what im doing tbh#im not going to school tomorrow#friday? who knows#i havent been in all week#it started with me being sick and now im still sick but also feeling like complete and utter shit#i havent done half the things im supposed to do#and it should be fine in that regard because my mum told me shell email people for me to ask for extensions#but theres one thing due next week which is an official deadline which cannot be moved#and its piece of work that i can only to in school because i dont have the technology or software at home#technically im not allowed to do it at home but thats besides the point#I’m actually terrified of that deadline rn its making me feel physically sick#ive been writing a second chapter for pull on my strings recently#and thats literally the only thing thats holding me together#being able to do that and enjoy it although progress is slow is all i have rn tbh#so i dont think im gonna meet all the fic deadlines i set for myself which im totally fine with its just one of those things#ive gone to bed but i havent taken any of the medication i was supposed to#its been five days and i still dont have my prescription#(i was only first prescribed it last week so im not being affected by that its just annoying because i guess that could help me)#i havent started useing the cream the doctor gave me yet but it has only been a week#so yeah im really stressed out about everything#i didnt shower today and i barely ate anything proper until dinner#i did eat but it wasnt anything that substantial#i just feel like my life is falling apart a bit#i think i have therapy next week but im not sure#i hope i do#yall dont have to worry too much about me i guess screaming into the void helps and i like being honest with people about where im at#louie says shit#tw vent
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queenerdloser · 1 month
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i picked an apartment (NOT the church remodel one lmao) and signed my lease and i have a car now so most of what was stressing me out this month is now wrapped up, which explains why my body decided i had Done Enough and gave me a head cold to force me to rest in bed.
#liveblogging life#i got sick literally the same day i signed my lease lmao#also like. i still havent told the church remodel i'm not planning to go with them#BUT they havent really reached out to me about the lease i was supposed to sign within 48hrs?#kind of curious what will happen if i just straight up ghost them but i think i'll reach out tomorrow#theoretically i think im supposed to pay an admin fee but uh. kind of dont want to lmao#idk i've kind of second-guessed myself a couple of times bc the apt i picked is a little dingier than the church remodel one#and i keep thinking about the fucking STAIRS....#but it's definitely cheaper and it has nice big windows and so much closet space. and it just feels like it utilizes its sq footage better#also the area is definitely closer to a lot of things and just kind of easier to navigate to some essential places#only a 20m bus ride to work! how nice is that!!!#no pet rent a cheap parking rate/month... yeah i AM happy with it#i just wish i wasn't stuck with sad gray carpet and kind of outdated kitchen appliances lmao#also the countertop is so depressing... i really want to do something to it but apparently peel & stick is a bad idea for kitchens??#and i'll have to figure out what to do with the blinds... tbh i fucking hate blinds lmao#i finally found a 3d virtual tour of the exact unit i'm renting thank god bc none of hte pictures on the site were accurate#and i was having trouble visualizing the space for where to put stuff#also you can measure shit on this map thing??? super useful lmao
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featherymainffins · 2 months
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Binge-reading Dungeon Meshi because it's the only thing standing between me and suicide ngl.
#it at least gave me the single molecule of mental energy required to force myself to eat at least one slice of bread#because it's like the physical energy is there sure but mentally I'm like 'noooooo I don't want to eat anything i hate food#all food tastes bad and i hate life and i want to eat nothing at all and furthermore i need to lose weight so i should starve myself'#I'm thinking that it might actually make me last until I either convince the crisis center that I'm for fucking real for real#or until my appointment with the school counselor. which idk when would be because i was supposed to go on the#2nd of April but i guess there might be holidays because he called me when i was atva lecture but i couldn't take it#because i had a lecture and he hasn't called since but I'm assuming#that hell call again and that he wants to let me know that the date is impossible#but I want to like wait and see what he says. and if he goes like 'oh actually im on a long vacay now goodbye forever'#or whatever I'll just go '...slay' and ride my ass to the hospital tomorrow.#show up at the crisis centre looking exactly like the patients with chronic pain who report pain 7 while looking unphased#like 'hello i am an active danger to myself I can't get out of bed most days; i need 16 hours of sleep to function for 4 hours#my meds have stopped working I haven't eaten anything but exactly 2 pancakes and a slice of bread in the past 4 days#and i exhibit a strong refusal to change this marked by thoughts present in people affected by eating disorders. no activity#feels fun anymore and they were marked by a strong sense of anxiety a few days ago but now i just feel nothing at all.#at this point I'm not even refusing to do any of my hobbies because im increasingly afraid of failure and its#consequences while being hunted for sport by anxiety from the opposite end telling me that i need to finish 50 masterpieces#immediately or nobody will ever like me again and they'll all see me for the talentless fraud i am. at this point i just don't care.#i don't do anything because i feel sluggish and my body is heavy and I'm so so tired and I'm tired of being awake and I can't think straight#also i think i might be going into a psychotic episode again.'#they're gonna tell me to get the fuck out of their faces anyway but it's worth a try.#like idk i feel like they might kinda listen because yesterday I guess they wouldn't have but today i have stopped caring about cars#and looking both ways. which is like. not a good sign probably. also yesterday i was still somewhat able to talk to people#even though i was in a very irritated and drained out state but today I'm feeling like if anyone even fucking attempts to talk to me#or if i hear any loud fucking sound at all I'm just gonna punch myself in the head until the pain drowns out all the sound
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hecksupremechips · 4 months
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Idk how to even talk to anyone anymore when it’s just the same thing in a loop over and over
#i cant tell anyone anything or ask for help cuz lets see what happens#i get hit with a generic ‘just keep going keep looking for jobs keep going’#or i get *too honest* and then ive completely drained someone of life cuz thats really all im capable of doing anymore it seems#like it seems all i do is go on some sorta monologue about how miserable i am which is pointless cuz its not like anyone will do anything#and its just stressing people out too cuz its like lol if youre helpless and have to listen to me bitch over and over to you#its either annoying as hell to hear or its guilt inducing and we cant have that now can we#and im quite frankly tired of all these options like lol the very few people i actually like and enjoy are just fuckin#nothing anymore cuz im ruining their lives and being an awful friend#its really great how youre supposed to confide in people when youre feeling like shit but then doing so ruins everything#lol what am i supposed to do now you know? i cant talk about anything except myself and my misery#and its a never ending cycle cuz im still here in this unsafe environment and im just so fucking sick#of people telling me to just keep going and keep looking for jobs cuz god bitch thats what ive been doing#and i have nothing yet and lets say i get a job tomorrow its probably gonna pay like shit#and im too incompetent to work 40 hours so if i wanna like ease myself slightly itd take even longer to have money#and its just gonna take forever to save money enough to leave and god I need out like right now#because im just gonna go insane and im gonna kill myself if im here any longer every second im here breathing#feels like im being strangled im becoming a monster too and the worst friend of all time and terribly selfish and whiny#lol i guess ive just got this dumb fantasy where ill be saved by someone who treats me nice and they take me away#and i dont have to wait or lift a damn finger i can just. be safe. and get a hug and not fear my life#im so lazy and worthless and horrible I really do just deserve to die#but i guess i cant say that. cuz then itll make everyone too drained lol
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britneyshakespeare · 8 months
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why has working two days in a row started to do that to me again? i got out of work almost four hours ago but i cant move
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caramelmochacrow · 1 year
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wow i barely said anything. :P
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