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smellyfootboy · 3 years

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SMELLY ENCOUNTERS WITH ETHAN PT 2

So it had been a few months after my last encounter with Ethan where he basically made me his foot bitch. I had moven on and taken It for what it was. A one night fantasy come true because he was drunk. I still jerk off frequently thinking about that night. The whole thing still feels like a dream.

I hadn't really seen him much since then and I hoped It wasn't because he would feel awkward after what had happened. Honestly I question if he had even remembered with his intoxication.

But that day, he texted me out of nowhere:

ETHAN: Hey man. Wassup.

ME: not much hbu?

ETHAN: It's been a while... what are you up to?

ME: just playing PS5... I was able to snag the last one at target.

ETHAN: The fuck dude... and you weren't going to ask me to come play? I wanna try it out to see if it worth it before I get one.

ME: I mean, you are welcome to join me. Sleepover video game party? Haha

ETHAN: Fuck ya! I'll be over in about an hour.

I got butterflies in my stomach. Video game sleepover???? Was he gonna make me his bitch again? I was getting hard just thinking about it. I quickly picked up my apartment a bit. I was tempted to pick up some booze to hopefully recreate the last time but decided against it. It would look too desperate.

Some time past and Ethan arrived. He looked as hot as ever. I noticed myself acting a little nervous around him. I looked down at his shoes and they were a pretty beat up pair of Globes. Different from the converse he wore last time. He typically always wore skate shoes.

"Hey man how you been? I brought some snacks. " Ethan said as he brought them over to the counter.

"Cool thanks! Yeah I don't think we've seen each other since um... new years ?" I said awkwardly.

"Ha. New years that was a fun night... so show me this ps 5 you lucky bastard." Ethan said.

Fun night. Ugh. I just want to talk about it. And make it happen again.

We went to the couch and I handed him a controller. We played for a good hour.

"This is pretty sweet. I think i might have to get one." Ethan said.

"Yeah ... so what did you do all day?" I asked

"A lot of running around. Went and worked out a bit at the gym. Got pretty sweaty. And then came here" Ethan said.

"Not even a shower first? Is that what that smell is " I asked.

"Bitch you know you love it." Ethan said as he shoved my head into his armpit which was definaly strong. I resisted and pulled away.

We went back to playing games for a bit and somehow I ended up sitting on the floor leaning against the front of the couch while Ethan was still on the couch. At some point we switched from video games to watching a movie and I feel asleep on the floor.

I woke up to Ethan whispering my name.

"Guess he's sleeping. Fair game." I heard him say under his breath. His big shoes were hovering inches above my face. His feet had to be size 11 at least. He then removed both of his shoes and looked down at me. I shut my eyes quick to pretend I was still sleeping. The smell hit me like a ton of bricks. When I heard Ethan lean back I opened my eyes again. His big smelly feet right above my face. Not only that but this time the red, white, and black socks he was wearing had a bunch of holes in them like they were years old. The smell seemed almost stronger than the last time I had an experience with him. It was so overpowering. He lowered his feet a little more so my nose was right in his toes. His big toe poked out of one of the holes which I honestly found pretty hot. I couldn't belive this was happening again. How long should i pretend to be sleeping? I didn't want to move. I continued sniffing them trying not to inhale too deeply so he'd know I was awake. He suddenly took his big exposed toe and pried it in between my lips. I could feel it rubbing my teeth. And while he did this, his other foot remained hugging my nose. I heard him unzip his pants. I had no idea what he was planning.

"You awake yet?" Ethan asked. I didnt know what to do. But I guess it was time. I pretended to wake up.

"Huh wha..." I pulled his toe out of my mouth

"What are you doing! Ew not again" I yelled pretending I hated it.

"Excuse me! Did I say you could do that?" Ethan said sternly. He slapped my face with his stinky foot and I layed back down.

"Remember when we were young? At sleepovers, anyone that falls asleep first would get hazed." Ethan said. He was determined to make me his bitch again. Who was I to stand in his way? He reached down and pulled his socks off and leaned back again. His big rank feet centimeters from my face.

"After my work out, and wearing these socks for a couple days, I could use a good cleaning. Stick your tongue out" Ethan demanded. I obliged. What immediately followed was Ethans big foot sliding across my tongue. I could taste the workout and the days old socks with every lick. Ethan kept doing this and then started on the toes, sliding my tongue between each one. I could feel the sock lint on my tongue. After what seemed like forever, Ethan switched to the other foot and it was the whole process all over again. My tongue was so dry and so smelly.

After about 20 minutes of vigorous torture to my tongue Ethan took his feet off of me.

"Good boy. Now re-lubricate that tongue." He said. I pulled my tongue back in my mouth and all I could taste was Ethans feet. Once I gained enough saliva, I swallowed and could feel the dirt and grime go all the way down. It took me a minute to catch my breath. I started to get back up.

"Nope." Ethan said as he pushed me forcefully back to the ground.

I was confused... his feet were clean, what was coming next?

Suddenly I could see Ethan's huge balls coming down from above me. He layed them over my nose and they smelled phenomenal. Like they had been excessively sweating all day long.

"Tongue out" he said. Once again I obliged.

His huge nuts started to slide across my tongue. I could feel the stubble on his balls, but they were mostly smooth. He was stroking his large uncut cock while he did this. This was way further than we got the last time we hung out. Ethan suddenly used his hands and stuffed his huge nuts into my mouth. I had to open very wide for them. I could barely breathe. His balls were gagging me and his sweaty taint was over my nose. As he would jerk off I could feel his precum dripping down my chin. I was so turned on.

"Yeah clean off those balls good like you did my feet." Ethan said.

I could feel Ethan reaching climax as I swirled my tongue around his balls. I watched him reach over and grab one of his stinky holey socks, and put it over his cock. I watched him cum in ecstacy while my mouth was stuffed with nuts. He pulled his cum filled sock off his dick and pulled his balls out of my mouth and sat back up on the couch.

"Whew. So yeah. You can expect that when you fall asleep first. " Ethan said laughing. He went back to playing video games and I didn't even know what to do. I started to get up and I was about to grab the other controller to play with him and he grabbed my hand.

"Nah you aren't done yet." He said. He took his cum filled stinky cock and stuffed it in my mouth.

"Chew on that for a while and tell me when it's clean." Ethan said.

So i watched Ethan play video games over the next half hour while sucking on this cum filled filthy sock. This was probably the best night of my life, even better than the first time. I couldnt wait to see what would happen next time we hung out.

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mochismilesbrighterthansun · 5 years

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Poisoned

Chapter 2

Pairing: Kim Taehyung x reader

Warnings: This story in general deals with dark themes but more into the story. Smut. Choking, dark smut. Degrading names, rough dirty smut.

Word Count: 4,499

Genre: Smut, Angst

Summary: You always knew what you wanted, you had it all planned out. But on a vacation to visit your parents you met the new tattoo artist in town and you couldn’t stay away from him.

A/N: This story will deal with darker themes. I suck I’ve been meaning to update but I hadn’t had the time. I promise not to wait so long to update again.

You couldn’t sleep after that, your mind kept revolving around one little fact. You basically agreed to sleep with the guy and he flat out rejected you. How were you supposed to face him in the morning? You hugged the covers to your chest thought about leaving.

So you waited until you heard no sounds, then you got up and walked past a sleeping Tae. You went downstairs and exited making sure to semi lock the door before leaving. It was almost dawn and it was freezing. By the time you made it to Jungkook’s the sun was already up.

It wasn’t until you knocked and a disheveled Jungkook answered the door that you realized he didn’t sleep looking for you.

“Where the fuck were you?!” He asked frantically looking you over.

“I’m sorry there was a storm and I was hiding out in one of the shops downtown.” you explained not completely lying.

“Whose clothes are those?” Jungkook eyed you suspiciously.

“It’s just some sweats Jungkook. Sorry I didn’t mean to worry you.”

“Not just me, your parents have been calling me non stop. They said you ran away and they assumed you’d be here. I mean same I thought the same you know?, courtesy and all.”

He eyed you suspiciously. He knew you were hiding something but didn’t want to push you too much.

“I have my clothes. Can we just dry them?” you began moving inside his home.

This you were familiar with. His home, his parents gone already running the super stores in town. Your head kept going back to Tae and you couldn’t help the humiliation that overflowed within you. But you would make it a point to avoid him at all costs. And it wasn’t like it would be that hard I mean you barely saw the guy.

That day you spent it with Jungkook hiding from everyone in his bedroom watching movies all day. The day was pretty gloomy outside either way. You decided to go back home the next day, but you asked Jungkook for a ride instead.

“Are you ever gonna tell me what really happened or is that to remain a mystery?” he asked while driving.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” you replied looking out the window.

“Whatever you say. Just remember I am your best friend and I do think I know you pretty well.” he probed before ignoring you completely.

Your parents decided to ignore you throughout the day. Even during dinner silence prevailed, while you looked between both of them you realized you were at your breaking point. This was pointless. They would never let it go, or you for that matter.

So on the fourth day of their silent treatment you decided to start packing. You stared at your suitcase for what seemed like hours before you placed it on your bed and began slowly packing your clothes.

“Is this a joke?” Jungkook’s angry voice filtered through the silence. His voice rose even more after you stayed silent and continued shoving clothing into the suitcase. “Y/N, Is this a fucking joke?” he pulled on your wrists to face you and realized you were crying.

“I can’t do this. You said they supported you while you needed them. Why can’t they do the same for me?, if they love me why won’t they want what makes me happy?” you asked brokenly.

Jungkook sighed and wrapped his arms around you.

“I guess they think that by trying to make you do what they want it will make everything better for you. That eventually you’ll be happy.”

“They don’t understand and I can’t be here and feel like I am not.”

“Why don’t we both talk to them?” Jungkook suggested.

You shook your head. “I’ll talk to them.”

Jungkook went outside and waited for you to talk to your parents. You sat down at the living room where they sat.

“I have something to say.” you announced.

Only your mom turned to look at you.

“If you guys mean it and think that what I am doing is wasting my time. I am leaving right now. My bags are packed. But if you want to make an effort for our relationship to be better we can do it, I’ll stay until it’s better. I love you guys.”

“Honey we want you to stay. We only want what is best for you.”

“I know that mom, but I know what I want and what will make me happy.”

At that your dad turned.

“Whatever makes you happy should make us happy.” he mumbled. “That’s what Jungkook said before leaving.” he turned back to the television. “We want you to stay.” you were about to object but he continued, “For however long you can. And then I’ll drive you to the airport.”

He didn’t move, too stubborn to show even the lightest affection towards you. You rose from your seat and hugged him tightly before kissing his cheek and doing the same to your mom. You rushed outside finding Jungkook by his truck. He saw your smile and rolled his eyes. But you still hugged him.

“Thank you.” you mumbled.

“No problem.” he mumbled against your hair. “Now let’s go celebrate.”

You both made your way to the club; the only source of entertainment in this small town. As you entered you couldn’t help but to feel wary, searching for the dark brown eyes that had haunted your memories for the last couple of days.

But as you entered you didn’t see him anywhere. Finally you gave up and went to sit at your usual stool with Jungkook. You stayed there for a couple of hours and then Jungkook walked you home. Your mind was still thinking about him when you felt a shiver run through you. You stopped and turned expecting to find someone behind you.

“You okay?” Jungkook asked stopping to watch you.

“Yeah I just could have sworn ….” you trailed off, “let’s just get home yeah?” You smiled at Jungkook and continued to walk towards your house.

As soon as you arrived you realized something was wrong, there was a small brown suitcase at the entrance. You took your coat off and hanged it looking around for either one of your parents.

“Mom? Dad?” You called into the house.

Your mom appeared by the doorway to the kitchen.

“Sorry sweetie we didn’t hear you come in.” She wiped her hands in a cloth.

“It’s okay I just got here.” You pointed to the suitcase. “What is that for?”

“Oh your dad received a call earlier. Thomas his friend from the city said his wife unfortunately passed away, so we are going to go to the funeral. We weren’t sure if you’d want to go.” Your mom explained.

“Oh I’m sorry, well I didn’t really know them” you stared at the suitcase. “When do you guys leave?”

“Tomorrow early in the morning, we should be back in a day or two. Will you be okay on your own?” She played with the small necklace around her neck, despite you living on your own she still felt nervous about leaving you by yourself.

“Oh yeah, I’ll call Jungkook. I’ll be fine mom go.”

She approached you and hugged you tightly against her.

“Okay, Dinner is almost ready.” she turned and walked back into the kitchen.

Dinner was something comfortable now. Conversation didn’t flow as easily as you wanted but they still asked questions about your life in college. And you answered them fully and eager for more questions. You liked them being interested in that other part of your life that was very important as well.

After dinner you went to your bedroom and closed the blinds, you began pulling your pijama out from your drawer when you felt a hand wrap against your mouth. The hand muffled the scream that tore out from your chest.

“Sshhh it’s just me.” Tae whispered against your ear.

His body was flush against your back as he held you tightly against him.

“I’m going to move my hand now, don’t scream yeah?”

You nodded quickly. He removed his hand and stepped away from you. You were confused and angered as you turned to face him.

“What the fuck is your problem why did you sneak into my bedroom?” You whispered harshly.

“You left, why did you leave?”

Your face scrunched up at that, “huh?”

“You left before I woke up why?” he tried again.

“What do you mean? How did you even know this was my bedroom??”

“I watched you move your curtains.”

“Oh God is that supposed to make it less creepy or more creepy?” Your voice was coming out in angry whispers.

“Will you just answer my fucking question?”

You sighed. “What?”

“Why did you leave? Last night?” he tried again.

“I didn’t I mean I stayed till the rain passed.” You eyed him then, “Why does it even matter it’s not like you wanted me there.” You turned away your cheeks burning in shame.

“Why cause I didn’t fuck you silly?” He was already at your back and you jumped at his deep voice against your ear.

You turned not moving away from him.

“I don’t know what you are talking about.” You tried to sound bored but your heart was beating faster by the second.

He backed you against the wall.

“Last night. When you asked me to help you sleep princess.” His arms caged you against the wall.

“My brain was all wobbly I don’t remember.” You lied.

“How about now?, do you want me to help you sleep?”

You looked up at him at that, your mouth turning dry at his words.

“I bet you do, I bet you’re wet just thinking about the things I’d do to you.”

You were breathing hard, you squeezed your legs together at the shot of arousal that shot through you.

“Would you like to know?” He asked, his breath fanned your face. Slowly you nodded not being able to talk out loud. “Oh you have no idea, first I’d make you beg for me. And you would, you would be desperate for me to touch you. Just like you are now.” You made no move to deny his comment.

The tips of his fingers played with the waistband of your jeans. Your breathing came out shallow. You made no move to stop him as he began unbuttoning your jeans. You said nothing as you leaned completely against the wall. His eyes didn’t leave yours as his hand dipped inside your jeans and began touching you through your underwear. You left out a shaky sigh at the contact.

Tae growled as his fingers began massaging your folds through your underwear. “So fucking wet like I knew you would be.” You grabbed onto his shoulders as his pace quickened. He buried his face on your neck, “I wonder if you taste as sweet as I imagine.” You moaned at that, “would you like that? Would you like it for me to get on my knees right now and eat you up?” He growled against your skin.

Before you could nod or make any affirmative indication there was a soft knock on your door. It was soft but you heard it nonetheless. You jumped and pulled Tae’s hand from your pants as you made your way to your door in shaky legs. You turned off the light.

“I’m getting dressed!” You yelled through the door.

“I just wanted to say goodnight and we’ll see you soon sweetie. In case we don’t see you in the morning.” Your mom's voice filtered through the door.

“Okay mom have a safe trip.” you locked the door and turned to find Tae grabbing a pig from your bed. When he noticed you staring he smirked, and threw the plushie down. “You need to leave.” You said pointing at him.

“That’s not what you were saying a couple of minutes ago.” He plopped down on your bed.

“Listen I’m sorry for leaving like that but you can’t be in here my parents are down the hall.” You crossed your arms across your chest.

He rose from the bed then walking towards you in short strikes across your bedroom finally reaching you. His whole presence was intimidating as he looked down on you with dark eyes.

“Come to my place tomorrow.” He demanded. It wasn’t a question.

“What?”

He rolled his eyes. “I said fucking come over tomorrow.”

“This is a very unconventional way of asking someone out.”

“No princess this isn’t a date, just to finish what we started. I want to fuck you dirty, the kind that doesn’t wash off.” He reached for your hand and placed it over his clothed dick. It was hard, and the bulge was big. Your eyes widened at the contact. “Fuck, what I wouldn’t do to have those pretty lips wrapped around my cock right now.” Your eyes shot up to meet his. He walked away from your touch towards your window. “If you wanna fuck you know where to find me.” He called out before slipping out the window.

The next couple of days you spent them in a foul mood. First of all Tae had left you horny, and all you could think about was his fingers on you. His hands on you, and that clouded everything else. You went to the bar on two occasions looking to get at least a glance of him. But he was nowhere to be seen.

So on the fourth day Jungkook finally snapped.

“What the fuck is up your ass?” he complained harshly.

You turned away from him, “I don’t know what you are talking about.”

“Fucking bullshit, you’ve been acting like a fucking stick is up your ass so fucking explain or calm the fuck down.”

“I’m just….” you trailed off.

“Just????” He prodded.

Your cheeks burned in shame.

“Just horny” you mumbled.

“Huh I didn’t hear you?” Jungkook asked getting closer.

“Horny! Okay? I’m fucking horny get off my ass!” You yelled out in frustration.

A couple of persons turned to look at you but you hurried down the hall pushing the grocery cart. Jungkook trailed closely behind you.

“Fuck, shit my bad. I didn’t know.” he tried scratching the back of his neck awkwardly.

“Look sorry alright? It’s just been a while.”

“Um your hand?”

“Can we just change topics please?” You begged in shame.

“Of course. When are your parents coming back? It was supposed to be a short trip?”

“Uh yea they called me earlier, they told me they were gonna take a few more days.” You pushed the cart further down the aisle with Jungkook right behind you.

“Do you not own a vibrator or-?”

You stopped abruptly causing him to crash against your back.

“Jungkook we are done talking about this, let’s go pay so I can go home and burn in shame.”

Jungkook chuckled walking with you to the register, he drove you home but only dropped you off leaving you alone to fix the groceries by yourself.

You had thought about going to Tae but you couldn’t bring yourself to do that. He plainly stated all he wanted was sex, and by this point you were so horny any doubts were beginning to fade. Maybe just one time to get him out of your head. One time to know what sex with him felt like. You knew Jungkook would not come back for today, it was already late.

You thought about just going ang giving into this lust you felt. You sighed and decided to go take a warm shower and go to bed. After you showered you went into your room looking for a brush for your hair. You shivered as you felt a breeze.

You frowned as you went to close the window, you didn’t remember leaving it open. You closed it fully and pulled on the curtain. As you turned you saw someone laying down on your bed. You jumped in fear but it soon dissipated as you recognized him.

“Tae you gotta stop sneaking through my window and knock on the front door like a civilized fucking person would.” You complained ignoring him and walking into the bathroom.

“And miss that cute face you make when you are terrified come on now.” He leaned against the door frame with his arms crossed.

He played with the lip piercing on his lip and you wished it was you playing with it. He smirked through the mirror.

“I thought I told you to come see me.” His gaze turned dark.

“Uh yeah, but where is the fun in doing whatever you ask me to do.” you said before starting to brush your teeth.

“Oh you will princess. You will start doing exactly as I say.”

You rinsed and walked past Tae into your room. Your heart was pounding in your chest as you began to prepare for bed.

“Is there something you needed?” You stared impatiently, feigning boredom but that only made his smile widen.

“Why are you acting like you don’t want me to fuck you, we both know you have been drooling for my cock ever since you touched it.”

That did it. The shred of pride left vanished and all you wanted in that moment was for him to take you however he wanted. He must have noticed a change on your face because his smirk returned. He went to sit on the chair by your desk and widened his legs. You took that as and invitation and on wobbly legs you began walking towards him only to have him lift his hand to stop you.

“First you are gonna be a good girl and sit on the bed.”

You frowned but did as he said.

“Open your legs, show me that pussy.”

You blushed, and when you hesitated he groaned.

“Do what I’m telling you or else I’m leaving.” He threatened.

You slowly parted your legs, you shivered as you felt the breeze against your bare pussy.

“Touch yourself for me.”

“What?” Your face showed your surprise, you had never done anything like that in front of anyone before. Your legs sealed shut and you rose from the bed clenching the towel against your body.

You saw Tae rolling his eyes and eyeing you.

He tapped his thigh.

“Come sit here princess.”

You looked around your room awkwardly and then back to him.

“I won’t do anything you aren’t comfortable with.” He tried again.

You walked to him slowly and sat awkwardly on his lap. He began rubbing your thighs slowly, he grabbed your hips and positioned you to sit in between his legs. He kept rubbing your thighs and slowly his fingers inched to where you wanted him. The rings on his fingers felt cold against your skin.

His fingers reached your pussy and began sliding his finger across your slit. He groaned at the contact.

“You’re so fucking wet like I knew you would be princess,”

You rested your head against his shoulder as you let out a soft moan.

“That’s it princess let go,” he mumbled against your neck.

You began moving your hips chasing his fingers.

He chuckled lowly, “what do you need princess?, tell me what you want.”

“Your fingers Tae please.” You moaned out.

“I like hearing you beg, do it again.” He demanded stilling your movements with his other hand.

“Please, please finger me I need it so bad Tae please.”

“I like how pretty you sound begging. But wouldn’t you rather my cock?”

You moaned at that and nodded quickly.

“You need to earn my cock though baby.” He mumbled sucking on the skin on your shoulder.

“Pleasee.” You tried again because you needed his fingers anything.

“I said you need to earn my cock.” He said more forceful.

“How?” You groaned.

“You know how.”

Oh, you did in that moment. You knew he wanted you to blow him. And right then you didn’t care.

“Okay.” You said.

He stopped all of his movements and allowed you to get on your knees in between his legs. He leaned against the cushioned chair and placed his arms against the arm rest.

He caressed your face then. “Are you gonna be a good slut and suck my cock?” His words shot arousal straight to your center. You nodded. “Take me out then.”

You unbuckled his belt and began undoing his jeans. You reached for his dick and when you grasped it your eyes widened. It was so much bigger than you anticipated, long and thick and that was not gonna fit your mouth.

“I wanna see you choking on my cock like a good slut yeah? I’m gonna fuck your mouth and I won’t stop till I want.”

You looked up at him and didn’t respond because yeah you were so turned on you wanted all of that. So you allowed him to wrap his long fingers on your hair and lead you to his already hard dick. You opened your mouth as wide as you could. He began pushing you slowly down his length. He let out a growl as your mouth wrapped around his tip and he had to stop the urge to thrust into your warm wet mouth.

“Fuck yeah just like that fuck your mouth feels so fucking good…… come on take a little more for daddy you can do it.” He encouraged pushing you further down. Your eyes began to water as he pushed you further down his length. Once you gagged he pulled you off saliva dripping from your lips. “Do that one more time and I’ll fuck you. Choke on my cock for a little longer and I’ll give you what you want.” He led you once again but faster, this time not stopping when you gagged or as years began streaming down your face. He groaned loudly and pulled you off his dick. “Fuck I was about to cum down your throat.” He looked down on you with lust filled eyes. “Hands and knees on the edge of your bed.”

You rushed to comply, you heard slow steps behind you and the sound of his belt being pulled off. He ripped the towel from your body and caressed your ass with one hand.

“Do you trust me?” His voice was even deeper and it made you shiver.

“Yes.” You mumbled.

He leaned over you and placed the belt around your throat, you flinched and tried to move away.

“No baby wait, I’m not gonna hurt you.” He whispered against your ear.

You stopped moving as he placed a finger against your throat and tightened the belt not completely choking you. He pulled on the belt and you realized then it was like a leash. He was treating you like his animal and you didn’t know why but that just turned you on even more.

“I’m gonna fuck you now.” He warned aa his length dipped along your pussy collecting your juices. “Do you want it?” He asked teasing your clit with his tip.

“Yeeees pleasee” you moaned out.

“How bad do you want it slut?” His pace was torturously slow.

“Fuck soo much I need your cock so bad Tae, please just fuck me.” You begged.

“I don’t know if you really want it you didn’t come to my place like a good slut would.” He stopped his movements and pulled on the belt.

“Fuck I’ll come everyday for your cock please, please give me your cock.” You didn’t even know what you were saying all you knew was you wanted him to fuck you.

“Yeah? You’ll come get fucked everyday?” He began squeezing your ass with one hand as he pulled on the belt.

“Yes please.”

“Just for me right?”

“Yes Tae just for you please I’ll do anything.”

“I’ll hold you to that.” He growled, then you felt the tip against your entrance. He began pushing slowly, the burn replaced by pleasure almost immediately. “You’re so fucking tight.” He groaned as he continued to push. And in a final push he seethed himself all the way. You moaned loudly and when you tried burying your face against the sheets he pulled on the belt harder. “I don’t think so, all those sweet moans belong to me, this belongs to me now get me?” When you didn’t respond he pulled on the belt.

“Yes fuck yes it’s yours Tae.” You almost screamed.

You couldn’t see the smirk he had at that moment. But almost instantly he began a brutal pace, you felt as if you were gonna cum almost instantly. And he felt your walls tightening around his dick.

“Do not cum unless I tell you to, be a good slut and hold on for me.” He said pounding into you as hard as he could. The headboard began slamming against the wall at the brutal pace he was going and you were pretty sure your moans could be heard outside but you couldn’t bring yourself to care. “You are such a good bitch for me holding on, this tight cunt feels so good around my cock fuck.” He growled.

“I need to cum Tae please.” You said hoarsely.

“No.” Was all he said before spanking your ass. You moaned louder at that. “Fuck you like that?” He did it again eliciting another moan for him. “Fuck you’re perfect, I’m gonna fuck you so good little whore.” He pulled on the belt and you were almost kneeling on the bed completely standing up. He reached for your clit and began rubbing in fast circles. You whimpered at that. “Fucking cum around my cock right now.” He wasn’t asking he was demanding, and you did in a silent scream. Your orgasm was so intense you fell forward on your hands. He let go of the belt and grabbed your hips as he began an even more brutal pace pulling your hips to meet his. You began feeling yourself nearing another orgasm. “Where do I cum?”

“Inside my pussy, fill me up with your cum.” You groaned feeling yourself about to cum again.

He reached for your clit again. “Fucking cum, squeeze my cock again.” He demanded, he felt your walls tightening around him once again and he came almost instantly, you felt his cum inside and all you could do was whimper.

You never felt his weight on top of you. So you turned to see him using your towel to clean his dick. You looked at him curiously.

He looked at you when he felt you staring. “Fuck princess you look so good all fucked out with my cum seeping out from your cunt.” He tucked himself in and chuckled when he saw you shivering. “You like dirty talk?” He questioned. All you did was nod. “Good to know,” he turned and walked to your door. “I’ll call.” He said before opening the door and leaving.

A/N: thanks so much for reading!

#Taehyung smut #kim taehyung smut #bts smut #BTS fanfic #smut #angst #Jungkook #Tae smut #Bangtan Boys #Hoseok #Taehyung x reader #tattoo artist au #tae #bts scenarios #taehyung fanfic #BTS imagines

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tumblunni · 7 years

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Okay, kinda TMI talk here about period problems and Bunni Being Worried And Dysphoric, blablabla I’m just having a huge stupid panic moment right now cos I read some internet medical articles and LIKE USUAL I’m being all ‘oh god i probably have the worst case scenario disease on the list, I’m gonna fuckin die’ even though I literally have never been right about that even ONCE when I’ve done it. Still, it sucks having a stupid anxiety disorder cos you can just feel your body throwing you into panic attack mode even as you are rationally saying to yourself that this worrying thing has a 0% chance of happening. Its impossible to just choose to not be afraid of something... *sigh*... SO YEAH ANYWAY UMM Don’t want to worry anyone, I’m totally gonna be fine and I’m just being irrational mess about something that’s probably gonna be a super easy solution once I see the doctor. I’ll just book an appointment tomorrow or later this week, no biggie. And I’ll write all this stuff down so I can avoid freaking out and crying over how embarassing Vagina Health is when you’re trying to ask your cis male doctor about it and you’re a trans person who just wants to stab themself whenever they think about this goddamn Wrong Organ. like seriously, the biggest comfort I am using right now to come down from this panic attack is ‘hey, if it IS a big horrible cancer tumour, then at least it means they cant stop me from getting a hysterectomy now!’ :P so umm anyway that was probably too TMI already but I’ll put the more TMI stuff under the cut

OKAY! SO! I’ve suffered from REALLY HORRIBLY BAD periods for like.. ever They usually had an issue of being way too short but also WAY TOO POWERFUL. I’d have just a one day absolute burning pain blast where I would literally be unable to walk. LITERALLY BE UNABLE TO WALK! Like, I COULD NOT STAND that my dad was just telling me ‘;you’re lying, you’re exaggerating, its just cramps’ when the pain WASNT EVEN THE GODDAMN CRAMPS. I got fucking stabbing pain in my lower back for no damn reason, was inexplicably constipated and throwing up, got a huge hot-and-cold-flushes fever, complete muscle weakness in my legs which made them fucking shut down, and like.. LABOR SYMPTOMS. Its this weird horrible downward pressure pain in my pelvis and I was just a goddamn kid so i was like.. ‘i cant even tell if this is part of the constipation’, i would be spending five hours on the toilet desperately trying to shit out a shit that didn’t exist, as my body spasmed itself to death forcibly ejecting out way more blood than I ever thought I even had. I It took me so long to find out that that wasnt normal for a period?? That this didnt happen to everyone???? And cos its SO GROSS AND EMBARASSING to talk about these particular symptoms, I didnt tell anyone. Even when i finally was able to get some pain medication from the doctor, I just mentioned the abnormal amount of bleeding and pain, not the weird ‘wtf my bowels just stopped working as if my ovaries are constantly punching them for 24 hours’ part. Seriously just fuckin.. so degrading and disgusting.

And i was a fuckin 13 year old kid, this just abruptly started in my second year of having a period, and my dad was a sick fucker who ‘didnt believe in doctors’ and didnt believe i was telling the truth about my symptoms. So I had to live FROM 13 TO 17 without EVEN KNOWING THAT ASPIRIN AND IBUPROFEN EXISTED! i was going through all of this without even the basic pain medication most people have for normal periods! Once monthly I would BEG GOD TO LET ME DIE Seriously i would spend THE WHOLE 24 HOURS screaming in horrible pain on the floor that gradually got worse until I finally couldnt move my legs and passed out from exhaustion. And all i could do was hope that I’d get weaker each month and pass out faster, cos seriously being able to sleep through it was THE BIGGEST BLESSING EVER like DEAR GOD like ONCE I was able to get to sleep during the point where it was milder pain and then when I woke up it was already over and AAAAAAHHHHH I got to go a full two months without feeling that death madness again and seriously fuckin.. how the fuck could my dad look at this small child screaming and vomiting and sweating like I was in the sahara and gushing blood from every oriface cos i fuckin VOMITED SO HARD I VOMITED BLOOD and somehow still think I was just ‘making it up’

god one of my worst memories was how I had this huge horrible period death attack in the middle of school and my poor teacher was trying to comfort me and trying to call my dad to pick me up, and he just Did Not Give A Shit so the teacher tried to drive me home himself and just.. god I was so happy even as I was dying just cos I got to meet ONE PERSON who had sympathy for me and even actually said ‘hey you should see a doctor’. And all i gave him in return was throwing up in a trash bin for an hour in the back of his car, and then he had to meet my awful father and have a door slammed in his face. And then as soon as he got me inside the house dad just hit me and screamed at me for ‘embarassing him’ and ‘ditching school’ and man the only good side effect of being Fucking Dead On The Floor Already is that I did not feel a thing of it and barely even managed to hear a word he said. I think he just gave up cos seriously i wasnt even fuckin moving, i guess the fun goes out of beating your kid when they’re too fuckin stoned on their own vomit fumes to even be able to cry anymore. Oh and my other Even More Worse memory was when I missed the chance to see Howl’s Moving Castle cos of this shit. I saw like the first twenty minutes of it before my period hit while I was in the middle of the theater and then i had to spend three hours crying and puking and bleeding and laying on the floor in a pool of my own vomit in a cinema bathroom while my dad screamed at me as if i was purposely faking just to embarass him. Like seriously dude?? BASIC LOGIC, PLEASE! he was CONSTANTLY accusing me of doing really horrible manipulative things all the time, as some sort of twisted excuse to hit me and pretend i was an evil fucker causing every problem in his life so he didnt have to feel guilty about doing it. And it NEVER MADE ANY GODDAMN SENSE! Even if i WAS an evil monster, what would that evil monster’s MOTIVE be? Why would i constantly do these evil things that serve no purpose except to get myself half killed by my dad? Why would I ruin a cinema trip that I asked to go to, to see a movie I waited all year to see??? And the most vivid disgusting part of it all was when he walked in and saw me like that and I LITERALLY ASKED TO DIE, and he LITERALLY LAUGHED. I begged him to call a doctor, he laughed and said I was exaggerating. I begged him to call an AMBULANCE, he laughed harder. I told him to his face that I wanted to kill myself just to make the pain stop, and he acted as if it was the funniest thing he ever heard, turned around and left and watched another movie. The poor cinema staff were left taking care of me while he ignored me, he wouldnt even take me home, he was just like... waiting til he finally got bored enough to do it. His biggest concern was ‘eww you made me walk into the girls’s bathroom’... I’m never gonna be able to stop remembering that, I’m never gonna be able to deny how absolutely certain I was that I’d rather end my life right there than live this nightmare for another month and another month for like fuckin 30 or 50 years. God I wanted to kill myself A LOT when i was with my dad, but this one was the worst cos for all I knew I’d be stuck with this pain forever even if I managed to escape him. I was so fucking ignorant! I didnt even know there was easy to acquire pain medication you could buy in any supermarket across the world! I mean, I still have the problem of my period being more severe than expected and all, but the meds at least made it NON SUICIDAL LEVELS OF PAIN. And god I once wanted to kill myself as a young child because I didnt know those existed. And I didnt know that transgender people existed or that there were words to put to my other feelings of disgust about having a period. I may still be depressed in a lot of ways, but I’m living a way better life now!

So umm yeah anyway my current worry today is because my period hasn’t ended for like 2 or 3 months now. I can’t even pinpoint the exact time it happened, cos it started with just light spotting and my period coming a few days late every month for like a year? and then it would last longer, and sometimes I’d get a small bit of bleeding suddenly starting up five days later and ending within a few hours. I sorta didnt think much of any of these symptoms and i cant nail down exactly when it just increased so much that it became this noticeably constant. And its REALLY weird for me, cos also all this stuff came along with my period not hurting as much?? And now for the last month i haven’t felt any pain at all, so I cant even tell which part of all this bleeding was the actual period. And I’m bleeding way less than usual, its just... constant. Its not even enough to be a big problem so I didnt wanna tell anyone and be a bother, its not like I’m losing blood enough to get light headed, its just annoying having so many pairs of underwear ruined and feeling more dysphoric 24/7. And it makes me pretty anxious cos I didnt know what was causing this and whether it was a symptom of some bigger problem- like, it doesnt hurt but maybe its a sign i have fuckin death doom cancer or something and its suddenly gonna start hurting any second now???

So yeah, today I finally stopped being anxious and decided I’m gonna call a doctor next week, and did some internet research to see if this is serious enough to really call the doctor. And cos I’m dumb I panicked thinking of the worst case scenario, but also doing that research kinda cheered me up cos now at least I know an explanation for why the symptoms seemingly got worse on random days, and like.. this isnt an impossible thing. Cos seriously, yeah, raised in a household with No Doctors Ever. i dont know very much about medical health, when this first started happening i freaked out cos i had NEVER HEARD of bleeding outside the regular monthly cycle and from all I knew it was PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE and I’m PROBABLY DYING xD But no, apparantly spotting and mistimed periods and going one or two weeks of constant bleeding are all completely natural variances that just happen, and you dont even need to call a doctor for that. I just need to call a doctor cos its been happening a bit more often than that, they say up to a month is a normal amount. And apparantly the vast, VAST majority of conditions that cause constant period are not remotely life threatening, the worst possible scenario is becoming infertile or just.. having to continue experiencing mildly annoying bleeding a lot. Apparantly a lot of people choose to not have an operation cos they don’t wanna lose the ability to have children, but fuck I’ve been hoping to lose that thing FOREVER, jesus christ! damn docs won’t let you have a hysterectomy ‘without reason’, like seriously why is ‘i dont want to have children’ not a reason?? and why is ‘i have never had sex and never will have sex’ not a reason and also why is ‘i’m nonbinary transgender and would like this surgery even though i don’t want genital surgery’ not an option seriously MAN PLEASE can I at least go on hormones doc. seriously everyone is being all ‘well treating your ptsd and depression is a bigger priority right now’ and i mean ITS NOT LIKE THERE’S A REAL DEADLINE FOR WHEN THAT’S GONNA END and DYSPHORIA KINDA DOESNT MAKE IT ANY EASIER gahhhh god i really REALLY hope they let me have a hysterectomy i am gonna be SO DISSAPPOINTED now if it turns out this ovary failure is not the particular sort of ovary failure that requires removal of ovaries. plz kill them. pliz mr docter. they haf plagued my lyfe 4 too longe. XD god, sorry, like I said I’m just really dysphoric talking about Vagina Health Stuff so i’m getting a bit irrational and ranty. Its just like that ‘please can i skip the middle man and get to the end of the transition already’ feeling. I know it would be stupid to not listen to my doctor’s advice on the subject. Tho I do kinda feel like everyone is just patronizing me and doenst think that nonbinary really exists, i’m still trying to get my support worker to stop calling me a girl... MAN IM GOING OFFTOPIC TO A WHOLE OTHER ANXIETY HERE

Anyway! Researching into possible causes of it! It’s entirely possible i may have Adenomyosis, which would ironically mean I have an excess of estrogen in my system and am like.. Too Female To Female. I’m gonna fuckin cry if its this, that’s like the biggest fuckin sign that your sex doesn’t have to align with your gender! or lol maybe god is trying to compensate, i just imagine its like throwing too much sugar into a cake to try and make up for it tasting like shit. sorry dude, woman machine broke. BUT I don’t seem to have like a huge amount of symptoms for that one, aside from just the excess bleeding outside of my cycle. So I’m leaning more towards the ones that also include back pain and uhh.. gross bowel issues of embarassingness. It might be that I was always showing preemptive signs of one of these conditions!

One other that it could possibly be is Endometriesis which is a really fuckin cool sounding word but impossible to spell, lol. Apparantly its this TERRIFYING CONCEPT where your uterus is like.. a tumour in your gut. For whatever reason there’s uterine tissue growing in your intestines, stomach or other butt related tubes. I dont wanna read more about it cos its already making me terrified and anxious, so I dont even know HOW exactly that works. I mean is it like there’s a big ol hole stabbing through your organs connecting two unconnected things together?? Cos if so, I cant understand why its saying that its an easy operation and a never fatal condition! So I’m assuming maybe its more like everything is still separate but like.. the composure of the cells in your intestines is wrong? There’s like a tiny vestigal lump of uterine lining tissue in your stomach lining instead? i guess maybe they’re somehow vaguely related, so like.. if the human body begins from stem cells that can grow into any other cell to make a full human, it would seem entirely plausable that rather similar organs or skin thingies could accidentally form all vice versa. i guess thats also the reason for mutations like people growing an extra finger? I had a friend who had two extra fingers at birth, actually! I felt really sad when she told me about it, it was like years after we met that she felt comfortable enough to tell me about where her hand scars came from. i just remember i felt SO CONFUSED why she’d even think that like.. she had to be super certain i was a good person who wouldnt make fun of her. Why on earth would you mock someone for something like that?? How many other people must have treated her like shit if she feels this ashamed of her own hands?? And I felt really sad that she had them amputated too, I just find it a bit disturbing and surreal that there’s this societal thing of giving extensive surgery to very young children to ‘correct’ something that’s completely harmless just because it ‘looks wrong’. i’ve read stories about stuff like a child having like a split arm, an extra arm attatched at the elbow. And that particular operation to ‘correct’ it literally made the kid lose all ability to use both arms, just so they could have one ‘normal’ looking nonfunctional one. Thats messed up! Its EVEN WORSE that this happens the most commonly with intersex conditions, its invasive GENITAL surgery on newborn infants and even assigning them a random gender based on whichever form of genitals was easiest to ‘recreate’ with plastic surgery. These poor kids dont even get to know about what happened to them until they grow up and uncover this horrifying pandora’s box of medical files...

Oh, and speaking of intersex conditions, another possibility is that I might have PCOS, which is like being intersex in hormones but not outer genetalia. But I’m not sure about it cos I don’t have a lot of the more visible symptoms of it, aside from adult acne and ‘weight gain' which is.. well im pretty damn sure I gained this weight the normal way instead XD It also says that unusual hair growth might be a symptom, but it doesnt seem I have it in any of the places that’re common for the disease. I’ve had a weird thing of suddenly gaining light spots of hair on my belly and neck in the past few years. Its weird cos it really is just spots for the neck, its only growing in the right side in a little circle. i dunno what’s up with that! It sucks cos I really would like to be able to grow proper facial hair, I’m only able to do a very spotty mustache that just makes me look even more like a woman I think. i just look like an ugly woman, I feel like everyone can instantly tell I’m DFAB and they’re just laughing at me for this one failed attempt to look masculine. Also it fuckin sucks being overweight cos binders don’t work as well! They’ve gotta be wider to fit around a bigger body of course, but that means its hard to find the right size that’re be tight where it counts withough being tight on the shoulders. I think my current one is too baggy, I can’t stand even looking like a normal dude of my weight level, i cant stand even having regular fat guy ‘moobs’. I WANNA DESTROY THEM ENTIRELY!! Also, incidentally, I’m kinda terrified the most of being diagnosed with PCOS just cos it’d make my dysphoria worse. It’d kinda make me worry that maybe my identity is invalid and I only feel this way cos I have this hormone problem, and I’d probably refuse to take any treatment just in case it somehow cures my transness :P

The one that currently seems most likely is ‘uterine fibroids’. Apparantly its a non cancerous form of tumour that’s so small that its not remotely damaging, and surgery is very easy and non scary. The problem is just that you have so many of these small things slowly stacking up over the years, and being hard to spot until its already gotten bad. Plus even a small thing can be very painful when its in a very sensitive organ. I’m thinking its probably this cos they mention specifically lower back pain and constipation/other bowel problems. The endometrisis one would also explain the constipation during periods, but this one has a wider range of very specific symptoms that all seem to match.

Anyway, writing this up has helped distract me so I can calm down a little and wrap my head around all this. I just hope I can have enough courage to talk to the doctor about it and hopefully find out what it actually is. Oh, and a random tip I learned! Eating too much sugar increases menstrual bleeding! That was what was confusing me about my symptoms seeming to worsen out of nowhere on random days. I was super worried!! I guess the change is just more noticeable than it would be on my regular period, cos this one is lasting so long. I tested this out today by chugging one of the super grand milkshakes from that cool midnight milkshake takeaway shop, and I started getting the big ol scary clotty giant bleed within two hours. Waited a while til it stopped, drank another sugary drink, happened again! Definate correlation! I’m kinda relieved cos this definately proves it’s a period related problem, I’m not bleeding from like an exploded organ or something. This is definately specifically the ol menstrual blood, and I dont have some horrifying sudden septic wound in my vag out of nowhere. Tho seriously i dunno why I was worrying that cos its not like I’ve ever had sex, where would a wound even come from?? I guess I was just going nuts back when I was all uneducated and assumed it was Literally Impossible to have a period that lasts too long. Mannnn talking about this is SO GROSS I’m like cringing into the ninth dimension just from saying the word vag... Anyway now I’m actually feeling a bit lightheaded from the Even More So Than Before heavy bleeding, it probably wasnt a smart idea to test out the sugar thing twice in one day. Now I’m bleeding as much as I usually do on my regular period, which is probably not good cos I’ve already been losing a small amount of blood everyday. Apparantly carrots have a vitamin that helps decrease menstrual bleeding, but its late evening now and all the supermarkets are shut :P SOMEONE BEAM CARROTS INTO MY HOME, AAAAA lol i just need to calm down and get out of this panic attack, its probably just this in combination with the blood loss thats giving me lightheadedness. and then it makes me worry even more about the blood loss and enter an eternal death spiral of anxiety yet again... GAHH I HATE YOU DYSPHORIA DAY I WILL TALK TO THE DOCTOR AND SO HELP ME GOD I REALLY WISH THIS LEADS TO A HYSTERECTOMY seriously lol every time I’m doubting if I’m ‘really trans enough’ i should look back on this conversation where i’m wishing my uterus disease is the worst possible option just so i can get rid of the damn uterus.. ANYWAY BUNNI IS GONNA GO TRY AND CALM DOWN NOW COS I CANT CALL THE DOCTOR TIL TOMORROW ANYWAY

#gahhhh anxiety #anxiety and gross embarassing medical problems #and dysphoria #and apparantly carrots #carrots somehow control your uterus #al these years and ive never known to eat more carrots on the monthly time...

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sunshineonamission-blog · 5 years

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January 30th Wednesday 1:38AM

So basically Tuesday

Do i even remember this morning

This morning I woke up and I was just so. Tired. So tired. Like hard to move in a literal way.

It was either this morning or yesterday - I think yesterday but when I went to open my blinds to let the light in it was like blue. Maybe that was Monday. Anyway.

Last night I slept in the dark with the door completely closed and the kitchen light off. I guess there was nothing scary to me about the dark anymore.

This morning I took a painful shower and I got dressed in my lined mom jeans that I’ve been avoiding and my grey turtleneck, and my denim jacket. I knew I’d sweat through the turtleneck. I was in denial. I packed a bag. I made some tea. I put my last lara bar in my pocket. I walked to Ryder.

Meeting with Jesse at 8:45. Was amazing.

I blabbed and he actually made sense of it.

So. Sounds like you like to make shit.

Yeah.

If you wanna do the new york thing and pound the pavement for a while you can. If you want to stay in boston... you can.

“I’m not fuckin corporate Northeastern. I want what’s best for you”

“You have permission to act. To be a theatre artist.”

“I give you permission to not know what you’re doing right now.”

- Summer. Berkshire Theatre Co. or Shakespeare & Co. or work and make money and “make a bunch of shit. get your friends. --> his best man runs Shakes, he used to run Berkshire: “it’s... grueling. if you wanna kinda pay your dues and train...”

- Fall. As many studio classes as possible. Acting 2.

- Playwriting, Directing, movement at some point, voice& speech, viewpoints

- He said I could get into movement right now. Ugh. Yesterday was the last day to drop a class without “withdrew” on transcript.

- If I wanna do a BFA program and just grind it out and wear black every day and be in a conservatory setting I can- probably not gonna be this year. That’s okay.

- MFA is an option. Maybe not recommended unless you have a trust fund or a strong desire to teach

- “Your makeup as a human being seems right. To be an actor. You have a seriousness but also a goofiness. You need both.”

“For the sake of your health, just maybe breathe...”

“You have time.”

“I know a lotta actors who direct. My wife does. I know directors who act sometimes.”

It’s weird right. You’re here for theatre and surrounded by like. STEM majors. They’re robots.

Keep the conversation going when I need to.

Advice for acting & life: don’t wait for someone to teach you. don’t wait to be instructed. If the opportunity arises to learn and do, do something.

Kick ass in acting tomorrow.

“you’re okay. You’re in the right place. in terms of like. mindset”

I was really just beaming walking outta there. I was excited. I changed into the acid wash jeans and too tight flowery converse and acadia sweatshirt and made my way to curry while i scarfed down the lara bar

Had like 15 minutes so I sat and researched summer programs a little. Obviously he said berkshire was grueling sooo that’s where I wanna go. - must do more research and maybe a second more soul searching and then just start prepping

Okay shop for 4 hours. Climbed scaffolding. Super grateful Julia Chase a normal human being was there. Mätthew’s nice and it’s fine. I hate Jenny. Jeanie. Whatever her name is. And that other kid whose name I don’t remember but he has an absurdly low voice and a beard and he’s tall and he’s stupid. I apologize for the strong language. Ultimately I don’t hate them I just like can hardly stand being around them because they’re just so cringey and rude and like the combo makes me want to go off. It makes me wanna be like yo. Jennie. I know. And stop holding the screw while you drill. That’s why you keep bleeding. But we got a lot done and especially when it was just me julia and matthew i really did like save the day with my ideas several times. fun! draining though and hadnt eaten in like a while besides the lara bar

Home. Was gonna research summer while eating my ubereats smoothie bowl because Jugos closed at 5 and it was like 3 and i wanted to sit and eat and research. No thank u Bgood u are a heartbreak at the moment.

Accidentally didnt put in my address for ubereats. What was in there was Park Plaza. Mhm. Ow. I called to fix my mistake but it was already on the way. 3 miles away. via bike. Angry ubereats biker.

I went to atm at MARINO and got money out, crying, came back, waited. Called mom weeping. He got here. He was biking away. What? I said hey excuse me he said “it dropped. It fuckin dropped. Im sorry okay you wont get charged it dropped.” I made him take $10 and apologized for the mistake and he said he was sorry for freakin out, sorry for making me cry. He made me think of Maddie Dinsmore. SO, MUCH. He said you’re a female I’m sorry I hate making girls cry and I said oh no trust me you didnt. I said the address I sent it to by accident was just a place I was at with my boyfriend like a month ago and we just broke up and I never order ubereats but i was really hungry so it made me cry.

And he said youre obviously hungry and you didnt even get your food and offered to go get me something from nearer by. He said he was moving to california on friday. I gave him the $10 and said no no that’s fine but good luck in California.

I don’t know why I felt the need to overshare to this stranger. I think it was two things. One was that I saw someone who felt very badly and who’d just biked 3 miles and who wasnt getting paid for it. I am a decent liar sometimes. When it seems like the right thing to do. Or at least I have been. But I’m so fuckin done with that. Not a bone in my body had the capacity in that moment to say oh no it’s not you I totally just bombed a test I literally just didn’t have it in me. But I didn’t want this person to have any guilt or sadness from today. So I just told the truth. Because yeah he was mad and it made me cry but ultimately it wouldn’t have if not for the circumstances. Because the circumstances made me feel stupid and like essentially I started feeling well enough to eat and okay enough not to be scared to eat or to at least be brave enough to leap that hurdle and the universe said fuck you. You should be hurting. And you tried to eat and this is what happens. I don’t believe that to be true. It’s just how it felt in the moment.

And I’m also just so heartbroken and it couldnt hurt to tell this person that I’ll never see again, who could judge me if he wanted but whose judgment would ultimately have no bearing on my life

Back inside. Back in bed. Talked to mom.

Made eggs.

Ew.

Felt super anxious

In bed totally checking daniel’s snap map and thinking he was auditioning.

I’m so glad he’s auditioning.

I wonder if he knew that he could’ve auditioned last week.

I texted him when he was out and asked. He did. I’m glad.

We talked for a while. I said more than usual. I dont put the screenshots of texts here because we don’t need to torture ourselves.

I told him I just wanted him to be happy. He asked if id gone to any parties which blew me away because of course not.

I told him about miss you like hell

I told him about my ubereats experience

I told him I was scared

I asked if it had to be til we were 25 to come back around

I said I wanna take it back

He said he was gonna marry me

He asked if I was okay

He knows.

He told the boys it’s only me he’s dating ever

I miss him like hell

My heart doesnt beat the same without you

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in)

Ryder. Piano and singing and writing a song. Curry. HW with mia, my creative dna

Library w max ben maddie riana

ava had stopped at max’s lobby cause she was scared of a sketchy van so when i left i walked with max to ava so that we could walk home together.

Ava thinks she gets it but she doesn’t. I appreciate it but she doesn’t.

I’m in bed. This is a no teeth no face wash night but it’s okay because no makeup today

I’m very tired and it’s 2:16 now and time to go to sleep

Goodnight

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perfectionistincrisis · 7 years

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Day 56 - 62

This has been a hard one. So you know how Ramadan is the month you fast and al and your supposed to strengthen your spirituality and all. Well Ramadan went well Alhamdulillah but it is more like all these things happened to me this one week more compared to during Ramadan.

So I started walking on the treadmill. I planned on 2 hours a day but ended up doing one hour everyday. Well when i decided on 2hrs it was what i ‘preferred’. 1hr, duh, is the ‘minimum’ and more than 2 hours is highly appreciable but im still proud i could at least do the bare minimum this week yay! well proud is exaggeration tbh, im just not panicking and depressed because I maintained the bare minimum but im not like ‘happy’ or impressed cause I dont see any progress. But then again, the way i define ‘progress’ is kind of too high standard as always so yeah I am kind of harsh on myself ‘as always’ again so maybe I am kinda doing okay i guess. well but bottom line, im not really ‘impressed’.

Aha ok so theres that. then um oh! me catching cold after coming from Makkah, Well in the beginning i was sooooo tired for a day or two like i couldnt function at all. But then yeah all the classic symptoms started to arise. coughing, sneezing, throat irritation, blocked nose, runny nose, greenish sputum, difficulty breathing. Oh God, you name it! so I have been on medication for a week now and I have to continue for another 1 week. And its just not going away yet. like its there, constant! except for just last night when my throat wasnt itching much and luckily i could sleep like a babyyyyyyyyy for a change after a week. Oh so this whole week I used to go to bed around 12 to 1 or at 2 latest! Now whether I could fall asleep is a different story. Well most of the nights I did try to fall asleep like till fajr and i could like sleep for an hour or 2 max and then I would just wake up from coughing so much. and then Id just lie down till fajr and then get up and pray and then go to bed. 2 of the mornings I worked out after fajr and then took a shower and then slept around 7 in the morning.

during the day, well i wake up always keeping in mind that I should not miss zuhr so lol that mean i kinda wake up usually around 2pm or even later sometimes. Since im talking about the entire week, this is like what i did majority of the days. Some days i woke up earlier though. but maybe thats like a day or 2 out of 7. So its so hot during the day, like you dont even need to ‘move’ and youll already be sweating! I totally hate it and I have never been that tired of any weather ugh. Like I totally love winter now. not cause idk its fun or something but like i hate summer so muchhhhhhh that yeah i can basically go like i love winter

Ok so the week kinda started with me being kind of tired mentally. parents were in the middle of a huge argument so yeah the whole atmosphere in the house was kinda blue and then I started eating so less and then starting with the treadmill and all and well it was just a bit tough to move from a phase to another. I wasnt having negative vibes and all but i just wished for more from life. I mean sometimes it is kind of too much to take. I get all the stuff about life not supposed to be perfect and how it is just temporary and how we should not get attached to worldly things. Yes all of that is cool and i get it but then when you are actually experiencing those ‘downs’ in life, youre obviously not going to be ‘okay’ with it and ofcourse youll wish things were better or youd just feel mentally drained out - despite knowing the entire “concept” of life -

So yeah thats the phase I was in for a few days and then after a lot of thinking how I suddenly got out of the phase was when I was thinking about how every single person is subjected to life is a completely different way. Like you can never compare. You might think your life is horrible and so much shit has happened to you and everything and maybe someone else who never had to face anything similiar to the ‘shit’ you went through. Well maybe they had to experience something else. Something you are too blessed to even be aware of. What I am trying to say is how sometimes we wish for things is life and other people have it, that what you want. Or maybe they dont have what you want, but then in general it seems like there life seems ‘happier’ than yours. Well I dont really think it is true anymore. I kind of think everyone goes through almost an equal share of good and bad. and how do we define what is ‘good’ and what is ‘bad’? Well we just cant tbh. Because what might seem good to me and I would wish for could be something someone has and feels cursed with. I mean its all about perceptions. So someone maybe suffering in their own way but you are not just seeing it. Basically the point is,

We should always be thankful, be patient and keep breathing. We should be aware of how our life is not going to be a compilation of scenes you get to watch in movies or be picture perfect. And we also need to protect ourselves from getting attached to anything or anyone so much! We need to be okay with letting go of things or people if we ever have to! And we also need to know that every single person out there ~ Everyone’s life is perfectly imperfect. Yes, of course I cant really disagree to how some people might seem to have better lives but then again, all the hardships you go through, you are being tested and you are being rewarded for them so at the end of the day it all balances off.

So I was kind of really bored with life in general and also my days were boring too. Well theyre still pretty much boring but like i was also bored of life. Then I started thinking of certain people who are having more boring lives than mine, and who dont even have the blessings I am gifted with. And everything started to just get more acceptable. And then I started thinking of my brother. I mean its so cool he is going to move to Canada in like less than 2 months inshaAllah and all. I am really happy for him and wish nothing but the best of the best for him and all but but but.. I mean just think of it. At first I was thinking of my some of the people Ik who arent really in a pretty place maybe because of financial reasons. Then there were people that came to my mind who arent in a pretty place because of just family reasons. And then ones who are just simply having to work a bit harder and so theyre not at a pretty place. Some who are away from friends, family because of life. So yeah. then I started thinking of my brother. I mean he is going to move soon and he will be living in a dorm and I mean he will be in Canada in one of the top 5 universities in the country and he has a scholarship. MashAllah that all sounds so great. Something Id want too but but but. then i started thinking of life in general. I mean he will be living on his own. He doesnt have to cook though, he has subscribed to a meal plan so he doesnt have to worry about preparing his food. but like living alone in his dorm room. I mean coming home every day to his room. Well cool thing though he wont be sharing a room with anyone and he will have his own toilet and stuff but then again, i mean he will be alone. Im not saying that an alternate scenario could be one where hed come home to his family and woah everyone would be partying and laughing and smiling and all. I mean even when he is at home right now he is like always in front of his computer busy with his own stuff and all but like idk Id still prefer coming home and having some other humans who are family. Atleast once in a while you know. or maybe its just me. but then still, i mean uni and studies are stressful enough, id just want to see people i love around! And yeah that is one of the main reasons why I didnt finally decide to study abroad right after high school!

So yeah then I started realizing that there are so many ways I already am blessed. Even on every one of my ‘boring’ days, there are blessings i am encountering which many people arent getting even on their normal days. Yeah that kind of cheered me up!

So this week, more like this month or like the entire 2 months will be about my bro lol. I mean theres a lot of shopping to do. like clothes, toilet stuff, laundry stuff, bed, pillow, shoe, laptop, tootpaste, mug, spoon and what not. literally everything. I mean its actually fun. Like you go to a shop and literally anything you touch, is something in the shopping list for him!! i mean normally somethings are like just too basic, youd never in years touch them in a shop cause like you have it, its there!!! but for him, have to get everything since he will start from scratch!

Ok so now about myself! Well like i said, the week started pretty rough because of the whole change in phase. parents fighting, me not eating much considering how food is one of the means by which i look for comfort, and then life just being boring in general and then how getting on the treadmill is such a pain in the ass in the first place and not to mention the extremely hot temperature these days and then you dont really see any difference. I mean duh. DUHHHHH howd i even be thinking to see any difference? I mean i KNOWWW its too soon for any difference but like all these staying patient emotionally, mentally about so many different aspects in life..It all can get pretty heavy sometimes!!!! Oh and then its like i really really really love myself. Like a LOT LOT. now like i said, once you already love someone, I mean, well, to fall in love ofcourse the person needs to have good qualities most of the time but then like once you already love someone, you love them despite their imperfections. Well, thats how you love ‘another person’. but when you love yourself. Forget qualities!!! you love yourself regardless lol! Where I am getting with this is!!! I mean right now, i really am not AT ALL happy with my body, like not. at . ALL. Infact I have never been this unhappy about my body ever in my life. And also I kind of feel really dumb. Like wow, Alhamdulillah whatever I did in my exams and all, i am thankful for that but like as a person in general. I really dont feel smart enough plus I literally dont remember anything i studied. like i actually wonder how tf did are they just not there in my head anymore. Like i definitely did study them or else i wouldnt pass my exams so now where the hellllll did all that go awaaayyyyy whatttttttttt

yeah so 4th year basically you need to know your shit. like you actually need to know what they taught you in the last 3 years. like youre actually be walking with doctors and interacting with them one on one. its not going to be like the last 3 years where like it doesnt really matter whether you are alive or dead, asleep or awake. like you just make sure you have your name signed. so theres the attendance part covered. and you make sure you finish every lecture and to do that you have time till before you enter the “exam code” on your laptop and start the exam!!!! You see, now! you actually need to know shit, you actually need to go see patients with the doctors and even without the doctors, you need to go to patients, and take history from them which TADAAA will be in arabic. oh wow!! So yeah if you dont know arabic you need a friend/ translator! yeah and then you need to tell your history to your doctor in english thank god lol :p but like yeah, and you ll be in small groups of 6 - 10 with a doctor and like he might bring up a disease he wants to discuss and SURE af it wont be something they found out about 2 minutes ago. ofcourse it will be something we are expected to have covered in the last 3 years or uni and you cant just go like. OH I never heard about it!!!! Idk what it is!!! Ok lol i guess im freaking out now.

Anyways so what i was saying. yeah so not happy with my body, plus i think im really dumb and then its just TOO DAMN HOT i cant do anything, I CANT EVEN MOVE. so yeah its pretty disturbing! Also not to mention how not eating much is so hard Ughh!

Ok so i have been typing for over an hour now. I kind of think I covered everything I wanted to blog about for the whole week but like Im not sure and I dont want to read all what i wrote right now cause its already so boring cause its like always in my head anywaysssss and yeah thats one nice thing about blogging. Ahh. like once i hit the ‘post’ button and then woah!!! all these thoughts just turn into feather in my head!!!!! hahaahh!!

But i still do read what i write again everytime, prolly at the end of the day to make sure nothing is ‘misunderstood or sounds completely opposite of what I actually wanted to say and all. blablaaa. So yeah if somethings mssing, ill fill it up

okay enough blabbering. Tataa!!!!!! :)

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