#and i KNOW ive ranted about this before but IT GENUINELY TRAUMATISED ME

[theythemmer]

for years my friends have tried to get me back into minecraft and idk how to explain to them that after tosoth the game will never be the same . it’s been A DECADE and this fic still rules over my brain

#and don’t even TALK about snow angels around me i’ll cry blood and vomit tears #that fic gave me SO many trust issues i hve TO THIS DAY #and i KNOW ive ranted about this before but IT GENUINELY TRAUMATISED ME #but i was at one of the lowest points of my life and decided fuck it. i’m gonna read a long fic. i’m usually a max 25k person but i was like #nah let’s get invested in this one. good ol erisol human au. what could go wrong #oh dear reader it turns out that there was something that could go wrong #because at tht time i was an avid ff net user and there are no warnings there #especially not for major character death. #so i’m so invested in this fic #got a few chapters left. and then i start a chapter i swear ive read before in a one shot #and i’m over the MOON bc i know how this ends. they get engaged! so i’m SO fkn happy #and then. all alone in the snow of their front yard. eridans heart gives out. and he’s gone. #as a very traumatised teen who was dependant on happy endings to make me feel like life was worth living #i have never felt heartbreak and betrayal like that. only other thing that ever made me feel that much was my really messy breakup w da loml #i didnt sleep for a week. i was constantly sobbing and breaking down at school #reading about sollux going through their minecraft world and i just #yeah. #haven’t been able to make pancakes since too. used to be the thing i was best at #since then pancakes minecraft and snow angels are forever tainted #absolutely INCREDIBLE fic but i do Not do MCD or sad endings #and i was like being horrifically abused going thru hormonal conversion therapy to ‘fix’ my nonexistent sex drive #whilst dealing with r/pe accusations simultaneously . as a fkn 16 year old baby trans gay ace #so i was going thru it and when i tell you my ENTIRE mental state was depending on the dopamine i got from fan fictions w endings that #gave me hope my story wasn’t gonna end there. for them to struggle for so long to find true happiness within eachother #to them being torn apart by the cruel hand of death #bro i was inconsolable for so long . i still am and im almost 26 LMFAO #know it seems so silly to be so worked up over this but i can’t articulate how much my undiagnosed autistic bpd cptsd ridden self depended #on these fics to emotionally regulate #OBV THIS IS NOTHING AGAINST THE AUTHOR OR THE FIC I WAS JUST YOUNG AND TRAUMATISED AND COPING UNHEALTHILY #but i will never be able to play minecraft happily ever again