#and how inappropriate it is for him to assign or revoke from me certain gender labels over the act of throwing string on a stick in water

[mars-ipan]

HOOO my brother just touched a nerve

#marzi speaks #he asked if i wanted to fish with him and our grandpa #i declined bc i only really like flyfishing #HE goes ‘oh alright. i don’t mean to be misogynistic [bad sign] but it’s kind of a more masculine thing anyways’ #i am immediately reminded of one of the first times i became infuriated at gender roles #my great uncle was taking a lot of cousins on a fishing trip #i asked to come with (i knew how to fish at this point- my aunts had taught me) #he said no- fishing is a man’s sport #my mother tore him a new one when she found out #so THAT memory is fresh in my mind #combined with the fact that i am now trans and have had my masculinity called into question #so i get Irritated. and go off on him about assigning arbitrary gendered attitudes to things that don’t require them #and how inappropriate it is for him to assign or revoke from me certain gender labels over the act of throwing string on a stick in water #and he pulls out my LEAST FAVORITE defense: well it’s not a big deal #‘it’s not a big deal’ is the FASTEST way to piss me off. because it’s CLEARLY a big deal to me if i’m bothering to get in your face about it #it’s so damn dismissive i hate it. #so i yell a bit more (‘you’re embarrassing me’ ‘be embarrassed i do not care’) and eventually get myself to a point where i go #‘Look. i’m setting a boundary here. don’t assign values of masculine or feminine or whatever to anything i do bc that isn’t your place’ #and he goes. ‘okay. i’ll try for you. for YOU specifically. and i’m not gonna be perfect’ #which is frustrating as HELL. every promise this motherfucker makes comes with 50 disclaimers like he’s signing a goddamn contract #so i tell him ‘quit with all the extra shit i’m not expecting perfection you’re a goddamn human being. just tell me you’ll try.’ #so he starts again and i have to cut him off after ‘i will try’ so he doesn’t put his damn foot in his damn mouth again #UGGGHHHH. GODDD #i’ll probs apologize to him about blowing up later and try to explain how he touched a nerve #but right now i am going to be frustrated #also i feel like he’s gonna start saying too much because he can never let dust settle and frustrate me all over again so is it worth it? #i dunno #but AGH. GOD