#and also my own lil hairy belly

[honeymaki]

There’s just something about a hairy belly, lil happy trail, soft or round or flat or whatever, in a lil crop top specially mmmmmm hairy bellies

#saw a happy trail nd melted #sor cute #and also my own lil hairy belly #mmmmm #🌱.chats #and do u know who has the best hairy belly? beidou #and shenhe !!

[theirmajesty2139]

ik ur already working on my other request but can i get frank manera sexual alphabet hcs please 👉👈

Frank Manera sexy headcannon alphabet

A = Aftercare (What they’re like after sex)

He’ll take a nap then suggest the two of you go get some breakfast. if you fall asleep first he will wrap you up in blankets and keep you warm. Will smother you in kisses and praise.

B = Body part (Their favourite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

He loves your stomach, especially if you’ve got a lil bit of tummy fat. He thinks you’re adorable and wants to kiss your belly rolls.

C = Cum (Anything to do with cum basically… I’m a disgusting person)

He wants you to cum on his face and in his mouth. He loves the way his partner tastes. He likes to pull out before he cums and finish all over their hole so he can use it as lube and fuck it back into them while he’s still hard.

D = Dirty Secret (Pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

One time he tried using one of his more phallic looking healing crystals as a sex toy and immediately regretted it. It got stuck and one hospital visit later he had a funny story to tell his friends.

E = Experience (How experienced are they? Do they know what they’re doing?)

Back in his prime he had many orgies. Things get pretty heated at peace rallies. He’s still nervous when he gets with a new partner so probably appears like he has no idea what he’s doing.

F = Favourite Position (This goes without saying. Will probably include a visual)

69, obviously. Oral sex is his favourite thing. It’s his favourite because when he makes you feel good you moan around his dick and it really turns him on.

G = Goofy (Are they more serious in the moment, or are they humorous, etc)

If he’s trying to be dominant he will get the giggles. He cannot take himself seriously enough to dirty talk without laughing.

H = Hair (How well groomed are they, does the carpet match the drapes, etc.)

Very hairy and thick like his beard. His pubic hair is a jungle. He hasn’t shaved once in his life and he doesn’t plan to start which means his armpits are hairy too. He can’t grow chest hair.

I = Intimacy (How are they during the moment, romantic aspect…)

Very romantic. He loves to compliment you and tell you that he loves you. He will kiss your forehead all the time because he knows it makes you smile.

J = Jack Off (Masturbation headcanon)

He thinks about you, completely naked and covered in honey. He wants to lick every inch of your body. He thinks watching you eat is hot so definitely took a candid video to watch when he’s alone and horny.

K = Kink (One or more of their kinks)

Food kink, obviously. Flavoured lube and condoms turn him on. Likes to bite and suck at your skin. Blood play 10/10.

L = Location (Favourite places to do the do)

Really wants to fuck on the kitchen floor. Likes the idea of you giving him head while he cooks you breakfast. Also likes having sex in a tent in the middle of nowhere.

M = Motivation (What turns them on, gets them going)

Promise him that if he makes you cum you’ll make him breakfast. He will suddenly develop sexual superpowers. If you grab his butt he'll get hard. He also has nipple piercings that he loves being played with.

N = NO (Something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

Will not call his partner degrading names and is very turned off by any impact play because he’s sensitive. not into cuckolding or age play.

O = Oral (Preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc)

Loves it. 10/10 would recommend. Likes to give just as much or more than he likes to receive.

P = Pace (Are they fats and rough? Slow and sensual? etc.)

Slow and sensual. He wants to touch and savour every part of your body. He’s also very gentle and soft.

Q = Quickie (Their opinions on quickies rather than proper sex, how often, etc.)

Only likes the idea if you’re in a public space and need to be fast otherwise he wants to take his time.

R = Risk (Are they game to experiment, do they take risks, etc.)

Not really, he worries too much about your safety and will overthink any situation. He always wants to know you’re being safe.

S = Stamina (How many rounds can they go for, how long do they last…)

He lasts a long time but once he’s done it takes a while for him to get going again. He’s very easily worn out.

T = Toy (Do they own toys? Do they use them? On a partner or themselves?)

He prefers to use everyday items from around the house so every time he looks at that object he will have a fun memory.

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)

Not at all. He’s too nice. If you ask for something he will do his absolute best to make sure you have it, he loves you. He doesn’t have a sadistic bone in his body.

V = Volume (How loud they are, what sounds they make)

He is super vocal, he loves to make noise and let everyone know exactly what you two are up to.

W = Wild Card (Get a random headcanon for the character of your choice)

His favourite song to have sex to is yummy by Justin Bieber. It just fits. When you tell him that you actually hate that song... everyone does he will settle for something jazzy.

X = X-Ray (Let’s see what’s going on in those pants, picture or words)

He’s short but kinda thick. It’s dirty because he never has a bath. That’s all I have to say.

Y = Yearning (How high is their sex drive?)

Only high if yours is. He loves it when you initiate sex because it makes him feel wanted. His sex drive rockets up if you get a period... I wonder why? 🤔

Z = ZZZ (… how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

Mot immediately, he spends a few minutes awake in a soft, dreamy state before falling asleep, that’s when he’ll tell you he loves you.

#outlast #red barrels #outlast meme #outlast whistleblower #frank manera #the cook #headcanon

[keelywolfe]

FIC: Any Other Tuesday (ch4, baon)

Summary:   It started the same as any other Tuesday

Tags: Spicyhoney, Original Undertale Characters, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, Angst, Prejudice Against Monsters, Violence, Injury, Homophobia, Off-Screen Minor Character Death 

part of the ‘by any other name’ series.

Notes: Well, here we are, the concluding chapter, where we get some answers, a lot more questions, tie up some loose ends, and make some new ones. This chapter has a reference to past homophobia, so please be warned. There is also off-screen character death but definitely not of a major player, not even of a minor one. 

Chapter One

Chapter Two

Chapter Three

Read it on AO3

or

Read it here!

~~*~~

Waking up seemed more difficult than usual, but Jeff tried anyway, prying open his sticky eyes to see an unfamiliar room. It took him a moment to collect his hazy thoughts enough to realize he was in a hospital bed, rails up on either side of him and an IV taped to one arm.

A throb of pain started up warningly in his side when he tried to sit up and Jeff sagged back against the pillows, swallowing hard. Oh, right. Those guys, the blood—

There was no sign of any blood now. His hands were scrubbed pink and clean and his clothes were replaced with a hospital gown. A faint snore caught his attention and that was when he finally noticed the chair pulled up next to the bed. No rickety plastic one but a regular armchair, and Stretch was curled up in it, asleep, a tangle of a blanket partially covering him and legs dangling over the arm. His bony feet were hanging over the untidy pile of his shoes, a different colored sock on each one.

That must’ve made for a rough night, trying to sleep in that little chair. Stretch was a good foot and a half taller than him, Edge only slightly less so. Antwan didn’t tower over him quite as much, but Jeff was definitely the shortest in their group.

Their group.

A quick glance around the room told him that it was only the two of them and a pang of concern overshadowed any discomfort from his gut. Jeff groaned as he struggled to sit up and Stretch’s eye sockets opened instantly.

“hey, kid,” he said, groggily. Stretch stood up, pushing his hands at the small of his back as he straightened his spine with a groan. “the chairs here could definitely use a built-in futon or something.”

“I bet,” Jeff said. His voice sounded raspy, his throat painfully dry. “I think I’m supposed to tell you that you look like shit, but honestly, you kinda always look like that.”

“you can’t be too bad if you’ve got jokes,” Stretch said dryly, then more seriously. “how are you feeling?”

“Thirsty.” There was a styrofoam cup with a bendy straw sitting on a swinging tray attached to the bed, and Jeff reached for it, almost fumbling the cup. Stretch caught it before it could spill all over the sheets and held it while he drank gratefully from the straw. The water was cool and refreshing, and Jeff didn’t think it had ever tasted so good.

“Thanks,” Jeff said, after he’d had his fill, sinking back into the pillows.

"no problem. don't feel too bad, klutz, you're still on the good drugs.” Stretch set the cup back down and stuck his hands in his pockets. “welp, from your expression, you’ve got a shitton questions, so let me see if i can sum up before you fall back asleep. you're in the monster side of the hospital. it's technically a part of the embassy, so even though it’s supposed to be family only, they let me in, and it keeps the police out.”

“Where are Edge and Antwan?” That was his most pressing question, because they had to be together. If they were hurt, he was sure Stretch would have told him that first, but he…he needed to know.

Stretch poked absently at a tray sitting on the table next to the water. It held what looked like breakfast; a box of cereal, some fruit, a carton of orange juice. “still talking to the police, down at the embassy. they’ll be by later.”

He tried to offer Jeff an orange and he shook his head, refusing to be distracted. “Are they in trouble?”

“nah,” Stretch’s smile was careless, almost deliberately so, “edge might’ve been a smidge overzealous putting those shits down,” He held up a hand, thumb and forefinger a bare inch apart, “lil’ bit. but it’s hard to argue it wasn’t deserved when you were laying there doing your best impression of a pincushion. things got a little hairy, but it’s all good now.”

Somehow, Jeff didn’t think that was the entire story. Once, in a moment of rare confidence, Edge mentioned that Stretch, and his own brother, either lied terribly or very, very well. It made it impossible to know for sure which was which, and a bad lie could be a disguise for a better one, partial lies strung together into a necklace of half-truths.

Whatever the actual truth was, he’d have to wait and try to get it out of Edge. He was straightforward, at least. Edge would either tell you or refuse, not bothering with any nuances in between.

The ache in his belly was rising like a dull throb. Jeff set a hand gingerly over it, feeling the heavy padding of bandages, and remembered warmth, eerie green light. “You healed me.”

“yeah.” There was no attempt to dismiss that, at least, nothing but an honest answer.

“I didn’t know Monsters could heal Humans like that.”

“no humans do,” Stretch fiddled with the blanket, picking little lint balls from it and flicking them away. “we didn’t want them to know. asgore is lots of things, but he’s not stupid, and we were afraid of what might happen if the humans in charge got wind of what we can do. hence, the healing shit sans and i were working on. yeah, it takes magic to make it, but a manufactured product puts monsters out of the direct equation. or it would’ve, if it worked.” He coughed a little, his eye lights skittering around the room. “anyway, that’s one of the reasons i couldn’t heal you all the way. couldn’t really explain away that much blood and no one hurt. not like they were going to buy that dracula fumbled a snack or something. i took care of the worst of it, i think. i don’t have a liver or spleen but i’m pretty sure you like having ‘em around.”

Jesus. It left him cold, thinking of what Stretch had risked, healing him. If anyone saw or guessed— “I won’t tell anyone, I swear.”

Stretch finally looked at him, surprised, like it hadn’t even occurred to him to ask a promise of it. “of course you won’t. so, they’re gonna keep you a few days, the doc said, make sure everything is on the up and up before they cut you loose.”

“Sounds fun.”

“eh, i’ll keep you company. gotta say, it’s kinda nice to be on this side of the hospital bed. trust me, i know what it’s like. we’ll get you netflix and everything in here.” Stretch hesitated, then added, slowly, “edge thought we should wait to let you decide whether or not to call your parents, but he didn't say why.”

He didn't ask, but his expression was gentle, inviting confidence. He’d never judge Jeff if he didn’t tell him, but somehow, he thought he could this time, even if it hurt to say. Today seemed like a day for confessions, may as well lance the wound.

"My parents kicked me out when I was fifteen," Jeff said, tiredly. "When I told them I was gay. I ended up stayed with one of my teachers until I graduated if you can believe it. I don't have any other family, so...anyway, she helped. She was so great and—" His voice broke, old pain rising up, joining the ache in his belly, but this one was a wound that had never really healed.

His parents he was mostly over; sometimes his mom called to check in these days, but whatever maternal instinct that wouldn’t allow her to cut him loose wasn’t enough for her to welcome him back, either. Their stilted phone calls were more relief when they were over than anything else. But Mrs. Stinson. Julia, she’d told him to call her with a laugh, she wasn’t a teacher in her own house. He could still remember her hugs and the light, floral scent of her perfume, comforting him in those dark first days when he couldn’t believe his parents had…he’d never dreamed that—

A hand settled over his, bony, inhuman, Monster, and Jeff gripped it desperately.

“what happened to her?” Stretch asked quietly.

“Cancer happened. My junior year at college. She didn’t tell me for a long time, didn’t want me to worry.” A fine sentiment, but it’d given him no time to prepare himself when she’d died. One day she’d been there, supporting him, the foundation holding him up and the next, he’d been on his own again, adrift. “And ever since then, I’ve been…I don’t know. A little lost. All my friends from college graduated and moved on and I’m still here and—I know you don’t believe it, but I was so, so happy when you wanted to be friends, I…I haven’t had that for such a long time.”

He could taste salt and this time it was tears. There was a box of tissue on the side table and Stretch snagged it, plunking it on the bed so Jeff could grab a few, wiping his face dry, as much as he could with tears still trickling.

He didn’t care. Stretch needed a tissue or two of his own, wiping at his cheek bones, "yeah. me, too. maybe not ever.” Stretch let out another sigh, his bony fingers flexing in Jeff’s grip. “but this wouldn’t have happened if you weren’t friends with me.”

That made Jeff laugh weakly through his tears. “It must be because you’re a scientist.”

“what?”

“You guys love being technically right. Yeah, I wouldn’t have gotten hurt, but that doesn’t make it your fault.”

Stretch only hummed thoughtfully. There was no telling if he believed Jeff or not.

He squeezed Stretch’s hand; his grip was weaker than he would have liked and he was starting to want to go back to sleep, but he needed to say a few things yet, “If they'd attacked you, they would have killed you."

There was no question of that, Jeff knew. Low HP, Antwan had told him on that first visit, five on a good day. One good swipe of a knife and Stretch would have been gone, dust, and as terrible as it had been, as terrifying, the blood and the fear lingering in the back of his mind, it was easier to accept when he thought of the alternative; Stretch in the lead, trying to sneak a cigarette, and maybe he would have noticed them, noticed the knife. Maybe not.

"they almost killed you,” Stretch took a deep breath, let it out in a shaky rush, “let's not dwell on the almosts and could be's, yeah? bet edge and antwan will do enough for both of us.”

Antwan, the shock on his face when he was kneeling on the ground next to him, the fear, his bloody hands holding his jacket, pushing it down on the wounds. Fuck, he wanted to see him, touch him, make sure he was okay. Jeff tamped down that urge as best he could. They would come when they could and that would have to be enough.

He wasn’t exactly in much condition to storm out and find him.

Nope, now he was here, in the hospital, and with that thought came another cold realization. Fuck, but this was going to be a fortune in debt, a replacement for the student loans he’d gotten rid of. And they would fucking know it, Stretch and Edge, no, no, not this time. “Listen, I need you to not pay my medical bills.”

Stretch only looked startled, without a hint of guilt, but yeah, liar, liar. “what? andy—”

“I mean it,” Jeff said firmly. “You guys already do too much for me. It’s one thing when it’s bus fares and Chinese food but this is too much. I’ll take care of it.” Surely he could set up a payment plan of some sort, hospitals wanted their money but they’d take what they could get.

Since he hadn’t been able to persuade Jeff to try anything from the breakfast tray, Stretch seemed to have decided it was fair game, peeling the orange and munching on the segments. “pretty nice speech, but we weren’t gonna pay your medical bills. since you’re listed as an embassy employee, they get to cover it all under your health care plan.”

What? Jeff sat up too fast, had to sink back into the pillows with a grimace as his side protested vigorously. “I…what? How am I listed as an Embassy employee?”

Stretch only grinned smugly, licking juice from his fingertips. “did you ever take a good look at that permanent badge edge gave you?”

“Past seeing the picture is terrible, no.” It was in his wallet even now, but Jeff never really looked at it, only handed it to the guards at New New Home whenever he was stopping by.

“welp, spoiler alert, you’re listed as an official liaison between humans and monsterkind. pretty sure edge has been trying to discreetly slip you a job for weeks now, but i’ll let him bring that up to you.”

“But…Edge has me listed as an employee?” Jeff sputtered. “He can’t…he’ll get into trouble!”

“why would he get into trouble?”

"He will!” Jeff scowled as Stretch flopped back into his chair and for once, his visible amusement was not damn well funny. “Look, I don’t want him to stick his neck out for me and cause problems for himself at work.”

Stretch propped an elbow on the chair arm, resting his chin in his palm as he asked with polite interest, “do you even know what edge does?"

"Yes!" Jeff said defensively. "He showed me a lot of it once when we were having lunch together."

"uh huh, i bet he did." Stretch blinked once, slowly, and his amusement was shining in his eye lights. "kid, uh, no one is going to be yelling at edge for what he put on your swipe card. or for anything, really. edge is the senior director of operations, he lowkey runs the embassy from behind the scenes."

"What?" Dumbly, the word falling free, because yeah, Edge really had shown him some stuff, spreadsheets and documents, calmly explaining what he did every day, but Jeff hadn’t suspected that.

Stretch shrugged. "that bit ain’t official, but everyone knows it. edge doesn't want to be in the spotlight, so he does everything from the background, all kinds of shit. He handles pr, the legal teams, sets up meetings with heads of state. all of it goes directly through him. embassy would fall apart without him, no one is going to even question handing over a benefits package. come to think of it, there's probably only a couple people over his head who could question it.”

"Like…like who?" Jeff asked weakly.

“well, there's asgore, of course,” Stretch snagged a handful of grapes, popping one into his mouth. “probably janice. if they'd fall apart without him, he falls apart without her. okay, that’s enough, you’re hurting, and you need to go back to sleep.” Stretch wiped his hands carelessly on a napkin and stood, walking over to the IV to fiddle with something.

“Wait.” Jeff caught his hands, stilling him. “Those guys, the ones that…what happened to them?”

“they got out with their souls intact,” Stretch said sourly. “they’re in jail far as I know.”

That sounded weirdly ominous and gave him another question. “Are you sure Humans even have souls?”

That seemed to take Stretch aback. “um, yeah. i’ve seen them.”

“How?”

“monsters can summon souls," Stretch said, a little impatiently. "it’s a thing, c'mon, kid--”

Today was fraught with information and as much as his side was aching, Jeff couldn’t help asking, “Can you summon mine?”

“well, fuck, you chose a hell of a time to get over your problem asking questions. you’re pretty banged up, kid, i—" Whatever Stretch saw in Jeff’s expression gave him a pause and he stopped with a sigh, “yeah, okay. just…real quick.” He gave the door a wary glance, then settled a hand over Jeff’s chest. “this shouldn’t hurt. tell me if it does.”

His fingers curled inward, almost like he was grabbing something. There was the strangest tugging sensation as if he had a hook caught painlessly in his spine, making his back arch until—

Light coalesced in Stretch’s hand, hovering above the bones and Jeff stared, distantly amazed.

His soul.

Illuminated a pale green, it looked like an actual heart, the same as on a Valentine card. Sort of. It was hard to look at, the edges undefined, wavering between the childish outline and something undefinable, and the light came somehow from within it. “Oh.”

“yeah, you have a nice one,” Stretch didn’t touch it, only let it hover over his outstretched hand. “monster souls are silver, if you don’t have lv, but human souls have a color that matches your dominant trait.”

“What’s my—“

“compassion,” Stretch interrupted softly. “okay, that’s enough.” He let his hand drop and the soul faded, disappeared like it was sliding right through his shirtfront. “don’t try that with just anyone on the street, it’s kinda a big thing.”

“Oh.” He was suddenly terribly sleepy and wondered if it was from pulling out his soul or if Stretch had managed to hit the painkiller pump on his IV when he wasn’t looking. “You seen Edge’s soul?”

“that’s a more complicated question than you think.”

He’d heard that Edge had LV, knew what it was. His mouth seemed to be willing to go on asking questions on its own, uncaring if it was rude or prying. “Has Edge killed someone?”

“yes.” Stretch offered no excuse, no explanation.

“More than one person?”

A long, slow sigh. “yeah, but that’s really his story to tell.”

“He was a soldier.”

“yeah,” Stretch agreed, quietly. “he was.”

Jeff didn’t know why he asked, couldn’t stop it from spilling out, “Have you killed anyone?”

“one person,” So terribly soft, barely audible, “but i killed them a lot. now go to sleep or i’m gonna put your lights out myself.”

“Stretch?” It was getting hard to think, his consonants softened, slurring out.

“what now?” Stretch asked in exasperated amusement.

“I'm glad you're my friend.”

“thanks, andy.” Warmth settled over Jeff, another blanket? He couldn’t tell. “me, too. i’ll be here when you wake up again, kid.”

“Mmkay.” Sleep was too hard to resist anymore, and his questions faded, lost, as he drifted. His last thought was to hope Antwan and Edge would get here soon and then even that faint worry faded, lost in the darkness.

-finis-

#spicyhoney #papcest #keelywolfe #underfell #underswap #underfell papyrus #underswap papyrus #by any other name

[checkyesifulikeme]

this is just me being emo over my boyfriend because a month or so ago we decided today’s our one year and i Love him so you don’t need to read this like at all but if you want to....b my guest! 

i never in 1 million years thought i would meet someone like dorian. NEVER. never never never. listen. the ~year or so before we met was my first time being single and feeling completely okay. feeling happier than i’d ever felt before just exploring my interests and making new friends and doing new things, i’ll always cherish that time because i really feel like that’s when i began to know me as i am today. i always felt so detached from who i was growing up. i never made many friends, throughout middle school i was almost completely alone save for my online friends who i love with my whole heart and am still friends with almost a decade later like.........what. but anyways i was so alone and feverishly rejected every aspect of myself that i felt made me so alone. i was too quiet, too shy, too anxious, too sad, too ugly, too hairy, not smart enough, not funny enough. i’ve criticized myself like this from as early as i can remember. on my 5th birthday i walked away from the little area in the park we’d cleared for my party and played alone by my favorite tree, probably pretending to be a jungle cat or something like that. only within the past couple of years did i realize that all of these things ‘hindering’ me are not actually hindering me at all. the only thing hindering me is my repetitive thoughts of “don’t be like this. you are *insert negative thing here* because you are like this. be like them. be like anything Other. just stop doing what You are doing.” and for a very long time i didn’t realize how damaging this was. i always looked up to my father as a child, like he could do no wrong to me i loved him so very much. but he used to be colder than he is now (he’s softened a bit w age/being w a pisces woman for 10+ years) so he had a very deadpan sense of humor and sometimes made remarks that dug deeper than i think he knew into my soft skin. my dad was never abusive, moreso just disconnected in a way many men are, i think. insensitive is a good word. and i’ve always been hypersensitive yet longed so deeply to be exactly like my father. calloused, but funny. able to pick up and play any instrument i wanted to. good at math. all of that! he built his own bass guitar. i think some of my intense obsession with self critique stems from that idealization of a semi-callous man from a very young age. i’ve always been deeply sensitive and easily bruised but i pretend not to be. i downplay my pain. i downplay my scars. i laugh while i tell stories of being blind-sided by my best friend all while i have a symbol of our friendship inked into the back of my arm (no i don’t regret it). i sat alone with the thought of my mother going to prison. i downplayed my pain. my ex cracked a joke about being my “new mom.” i went home and cried for hours.

but anyways. i’m so off track i really didn’t mean for this to turn into my life story but i have always been super self reflective as i said before. but ANYWAYS. dorian and i began talking after that year or so of being alone. i went from an abusive relationship i’d been in from ages 15-17 to dating an alcoholic 4 years my senior to dating his co-worker who i secretly couldn’t stand. and then i was alone and i was happy and i felt like Me for the first time since i was 15 years old. i was done running from sitting with myself. after said year went by i decided i wanted to say fuck it and just talk to some boys i thought were cute cause i knew i had it like that and was like let’s just be a silly lil ho! but that shit is hard first of all idk why boys do That like i was exhausted from it all bitch it wasn’t even fun. but anyways one of the boys was my Now bf dorian and i thought he was the biggest fuckboy like he exhibited prime fuckboy behavior. before that we’d followed each other for like over a year on twitter and i’d curved him twice so i didn’t rly want to DM him (i thought it would look suspicious of me or something) so instead i found his insta and followed it and played the Waiting game and it worked! we started talking and basically we had like the worst compatibility ever over text imo so i wasn’t that into it but he was cute as h*ll to me so i said fuq it baby! we ended up meeting a few weeks later when i drove 2ish hours up to his city with my then best friend to go to a *** *** concert (i will not expose who this is LMAO) so we had like. 30 minutes to meet beforehand and he was highhhhhhhh off his ass when he rounded the corner of the cafe we were meeting at bitch was toasted bitch was fried out his mind i’m telling U..and the entire time he just flamed my shit. and i literally could not tell for the life of me if he liked me or if he was just saying fuck it and doing whatever. oh also i bought him baby pink nail polish as a surprise because he’d mentioned missing having pink nails but he ran out of his polish so i was like ! on the drive up and stopped at a target to find him one (pretty big move for me TBH i’m so shy about people enjoying their gifts especially a STRANGER like..). but he liked it and i was happy. then that night we were texting once i got back to my city and we teased each other a lot but then the teasing turned into making actual solid plans for him to come stay at my house for a couple of days. i was extremely nervous as you can imagine like i’m a Woman and he’s a Strange Man from another City coming to stay in my Home but my crackhead ass did it anyways and i didn’t die and this all has a happy ending so! that’s good. great even. but yes he came down and stayed the night. the next morning while we were getting breakfast and talking was when i realized oh damn i might actually,,really like him? the night before i’d just felt sorta on edge and paranoid because i have a lot of #trama and don’t trust my own judgement very well due to prior abuse so i was just extremely on guard but my walls came down a tiny tiny bit the next day. we agreed on almost everything and liked a lot of the same stuff, like every other sentence was “me too!” to the point that i thought he was fucking w me just to impress me or something/i was worried he thought i was doing the same. we drove back up to his city that night w a friend of mine to go to Another concert (lana del rey, i’ll expose this one) and i just remember having this feeling deep in my chest. not even butterflies. like when you stick a marshmallow on a branch and shove it into the flames of a campfire and the fluff bubbles and pops and drips the coal below, coating it in a sticky hot glaze. that’s how my heart felt. i listened to the shadows by peter & kerry and chanel by frank ocean and passion fruit by drake (lmfao) and felt like a marshmallow perpetually engulfed in flames. i felt so happy i could cry. i felt a little scared too but mostly happy. that’s also something i’ve read before that always stuck with me. something to do with when you meet the right person it’s not supposed to feel like an excited delirious fit of insects in your belly it’s supposed to feel calm and warm and comforting. and that’s kind of how it felt. i don’t know if that’s a 100% worldly truth because i don’t believe there is ever any one right way of Experiencing anything but i just remember thinking about that quote sometimes and being like “huh.” 

after that initial feeling of falling in love it just kept going. we saw each other for 2ish days every week from then on, until he evntually moved down here at the beginning of august. we’d only been dating for 6 months but a combination of unexpected situations just sorta pushed things along rather quickly. but i wasn’t nervous. which was strange because both of my longer term relationships got a bit rocky around discussing our futures together. i always claimed to dislike thinking too far ahead but in reality i disliked thinking about being tied to said people in said way. but with dorian i just felt joy. we stopped at ikea “just to look” on the way down and bought a vegetable knife, a cat bed for winnie and wesley,  a collapsible tunnel they never played in, 2 giant asymmetrical mauve plates, tupperware with yellow lids and lots of other miscellaneous stuff we didn’t really need nor did we have the money for.

as hard as 2018 was for me i would never reverse a second of it. not for anything in the entire world. i slowly lost all of my high school friends. i slowly lost my mind a little bit too. but he stuck with me through every bit of it. i can’t even begin to get into every wild ass thing that went down throughout the past year but we stood together through it all and that feels so fucking good. i sat on the phone before we lived together and listened to him cry because the world is too cold and i cried with him because i was freezing. he picked me up and carried me home when i ran out of the house crying so hard my head was spinning and i couldn’t see past my tears after the end of one of my longest friendships. a man stared at us from across the street and i sobbed until i couldn’t breathe. 

we’re not perfect people and sure anything could happen. we could break up tomorrow. sure. believe me i know that anything can happen. like i said earlier, i have a sizeable matching tattoo with an ex best friend who i essentially thought i’d end up buried next to. but like i said earlier, no, i don’t regret it. and i would never regret love like this. but i also don’t think i will have to. never have i met someone who wants to understand me so fully. who loves me so unconditionally. who gave me the time to open up and decipher my thoughts and feelings and didn’t get tired of it. who helped me to realize that it isn’t me not functioning like ‘every one else’ that’s the problem, it was the self hatred bred from me believing that in the first place. acceptance. he accepted me as i was and i accepted him as he was. i remember saying i felt like i needed someone like me when it came to relationships. growing up i was very drawn to “opposites attract!” and sayings like that, most likely because of my self deprecating disposition, but after the end of my second relationship i knew i was wrong. my whole life i have felt misunderstood and disconnected and alone in my head and like the butt of every joke like a punchline on loop. he was the first person to ever really take me out of that. to sit there while i cried and babbled incoherently about how i just couldn’t put the words together to express why i was upset or tell anyone where it hurts. why i was anxious. why i was mad. i remember clearly sitting with him in my old apartment while my ex roommate/best friend was at work and  crying and saying i didn’t know how to ‘say it’ and him explaining back to me everything he’d heard from me so far and his interpretation and i cried and cried and cried and i felt seen for maybe the first time in my entire life. i don’t know what’s in me to make me feel so incredibly separate, and to in turn isolate myself out of this immensely penetrating sense of isolation, but he was the first to extend a hand and actually mean it. i’ve been too many people’s empty shell of a girl to project everything they wanted to see onto. it’s easy to do that with someone who rejects themselves because what is there to lose if you’re not afraid to lose it? i wasn’t perfectly healed when we met, i will never be ‘perfectly’ healed. he was not either and i do not expect him to be. i’m only 20 so really what do i know about life at all. nothing lmao. but i know that dorian is my fucking rock. and i’m his fucking rock. and if i asked him if he wanted to move to another city tomorrow and build a house out of rocks we collected on the drive there he would say yes. and i know i’ve never felt afraid with him. i know i’ve never felt demeaned or belittled or laughed at. i know we play like teething puppies who roll around and bite at one another but are always having fun and if one of us goes too far the play immediately stops and we lick each other in apologies and forgiveness and start our play again. i know we can say ‘i’m sorry’ without the slightest bit of hesitation or resentment because what’s the point of meaningless pride in all of this. don’t we hate that shit anyways? i know i stopped off the freeway and chased a dog with you and both of our best friends at the time a mile or so down the road but he just kept running farther and farther away until we eventually gave up on catching him. i know after that we drove back to my city holding hands and listening to the playlist i made you while we drove 80 mph through the inky black desert. i know i glanced over at you mouthing all of the words to a few of the songs. this is one of my favorite memories. the beginning of our love in it’s most raw form, to me at least. i know we texted each other paragraphs and you couldn’t pay me to take me away from those conversations. i know the entanglement of my volatile emotions and pride gets in the way of things sometimes but i also know when to cut it because that shit’s stupid anyways. i know our composite chart has our moon, mercury and venus in the 7th house and that made me smile because the girl on twitter who read sza’s chart said that was a favorable aspect for marriage. i know that i don’t really believe in marriage but i wouldn’t mind celebrating our love and making the playlist for the wedding and probably getting mad over people talking over “this part!” i know that you’ve never once discouraged me or limited me. i know that we’ve been through things together that would cause most to trip and break a bone or two, at least. but not once have i questioned my love for you. i’ve said doubtful things once or twice, but please understand and believe me when i say that it was only out of habit. isolation. i push back when things hurt. it’s easy for me to leap to worst case scenario in the blink of an eye. my formative teenage years were spent with someone who yelled at me and guilt tripped me and demanded and demeaned and demanded and demeaned and when i left for the second time they didn’t demand anything from me that time. it was a couple of hours later when i got a call from my mother telling me they’d attempted suicide immediately after leaving my house. i felt as collapsible as the tunnel our cats never used. everything i was afraid of came true. i’ve lived in fear for a very long time. you’re the first person to show me there is nothing to be afraid of and to love me with no strings attached. you just wanted to understand me as much as i wanted to understand you. you made me feel wanted, but after i’d began wanting myself, too. i’m just happy we met when we did, and i hope you are too. we’re both damaged in different places but maybe the damage only allows for more love to leak out and accumulate in our bloodstreams- just in different ways than we expected. i love you dorian. and i can’t end things i just ramble and connect and ramble and connect until i stop somewhere suddenly. i just love you i love you i love you i love you i love you. i know that i saw angel numbers before we ever met and that angel number turned out to be my life path number (which i found out about a year later). 333. 333. 333. 333. i know if you add 1 to either digit of my birthday you get your birthday (17 & 28). i know we both loved my chemical romance and fetty wap when we were younger. i know your moon is my sun and your rising is my moon and in some strange way that correlates to you telling the same jokes i’m thinking but don’t always have the energy or will to say. i know that i played you a song off the playlist i made for you before i told you it was made for you and you knew it and had sampled it previously and i thought you were fucking with me because it’s not a very well known song. i know that you texted me telling me you found the song and scrapped it and rewrote and recorded it for me and named it after the color of my nails. i know that you are everything i’ve ever wanted in love but could never put into words much like everything else i’ve felt deeply in this life. i know you don’t rush me at thrift stores because you like them as much as i do. i know you and you know me and that’s all i’ve ever wanted. i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you. 

--

The Shadows / Peter & Kerry

Relax my hands on the table Uncurl my fingers to reveal superficial indentations Crescent moon shapes mark the surface of my palms It's twilight: your shadows lurking over again Your shadows lurking over again Try to hinder foolish pride From shooting out my mouth like a gust of wind And blowing out your light All I want is you to shine And I'll wait here with you until sunrise I'll wait here with you until sunrise I'll wait here with you until sunrise I'll wait here with you until sunrise I am blinded by your light Your dark shadows always lurking behind you I am blinded by your light Your dark shadows always lurking behind you And I'll wait here with you until sunrise

#m

[piercedsatyr-blog]

Body mods survey

 Currently

Do you have your ears done? Yep. 

How many times? 10

Any of them gauged? My lobes are. 

Any cartilage or targus “non-traditional” work? Tons; I have my industrial, my snug (both ears), my helix, my rook done on both ears, a forward helix (twice), my upper lobe done twice.

Did you have them done with a gun or needle? Needle

How was the pain for the ear piercings? No pain at all.

Do you have any facial piercings? Yes; I have my nose and my eyebrow (twice)

If yes, what is your favorite? My eyebrows

What about your tongue? Yep. 

Any of it painful? Nope.

Is your navel pierced? Nope.

How about nipples? Nope

Anything below the belt? I do. I have an ampallang piercing. 

Any of it painful? My ampallang hurt for awhile. It’s the most painful thing I’ve subjected myself to. 

What is your favorite piercing over all? Umm, my tongue, it’s also my nymph (my wife’s favorite)

Was anyone with you when you got them? I went with friends most of the time, except with may ampallang, I went alone.

Did they hold your hand? Nope. I”m not a wimp. 

What did your friends/family/workplace think? My mom was a bit miffed, my friends thought it was cool, and since I’m my own boss, I don’t care what others think. 

Do you really care? Nope

Future:

Would you pierce your eyebrow? I did it twice not again!

Nostril/Septum? I thought about doing my septum again, last time it became toouncomfortable. 

Lip? Not again.

Tongue? Nope

Labret/Monroe? Nope

Anything else on your face? I got enough holes for now.

Nipples? Hehe, nope.

Navel? Nah.

What about below the belt? I have one and I won’t wait again.

If yes, what would you do? None

Any other "unusual" or surface piercings you'd consider? Nope

Random Piercing questions

What do you think about ear gauging? If done right it’s fine. People have hurt theirselves, doing it incorrectly. 

What about gauging anything else? Not judging but I don’t think I’d do it.

Have you ever pierced yourself? I have not. I had my wife pierce me a few times. It’s what she does for a living. 

Have you ever pierced a friend? Nope.

How about an enemy? Haha! I wish!

What do you think about piercings on the opposite sex? I think it’s sexy.

Could a piercing make or break a relationship? It has in the past. Someone didn’t like my ampallang, and demanded that I remove it, and when I did remove it they had to keep complaining about it anyway. 

What is the hottest piercing (on opposite sex)? I like nose rings. 

What is the worst? Dimples, I don’t mind any piercings but those I don’t think I can handle being with a girl who has one. Not that I’m going to date again. I’m happy with my lil wood nymph. 

What do you think of dudes with naval piercings? Whatever floats their boat. It looks weird surrounded by hair but whatever. 

What do you think of nipple piercings? They’re alright, again if you’re hairy it sounds ouchie.

What is one piercing you would NEVER get? I don’t think I’d get a P.A.

What is one you like, but will never get? I don’t think there's any that I like but would never get. I get my piercings as as I will

Do you take 2nd glances at people with piercings? I have.

In a good or bad way? Good way, it’s a kudos to people’s badass mods.

tattoos

Do you have any? Yep

How many I have 6; I have my daughters names on my chest, I have a nymph on my arm (it’s symbolic of my wife) the Sith emblem on my right shoulder, and the rebel alliance on my left a koi on my leg, and my dog on my leg.

Which is the most meaningful My daughter’s names

Did you have any tattoos done while drunk Nope.

Back to piercings, any of those while under the influence of something? Nope.

Have any tattoos you absolutely hate? Nope

Do your tattoos have meaning? Some do.

Do you have plans for more tattoos in the future? Eventually. 

How many? I have 3 more I want so far. Billy wants to do one this weekend. *Billy’s my wife’s best friend*

What do you plan to get? One with my son’s name when he gets here, I’m getting a 3D moth tattoo this weekend, I want a ying-yang dragon. 

Where is your favorite place you have ever had a tattoo done? my chest, they’re awesome.

Ever done a tattoo yourself? Nope. 

On someone else? Nobody trusts me doing tattoos

Did you design any of your own tattoos? I designed my latest, the moth was my idea.

What do you think of tattoos on the opposite sex? If they’re happy, they get it done. That’s it.

How many is too many? If you’re removing an old tattoo for a new one.

Do you think girls with arm tattoos look manly? Nope.

Do you think guys with belly/lower back tattoos look girly? Haha no. Unless it’s a fairy, or something dainty, and still no.

Where would you NEVER get a tattoo? My junk.

Did any of your tattoos hurt? Nope

Would you ever get a full sleeve or anything large tattoo? Sure.

Do you take 2nd looks at people's tattoos? Sometimes.

Have you ever asked anyone what a tattoo meant? I have. It was one of my wife’s tattoos. 

Do you think there are some tattoo designs that are on too many people? While there are some fairly common tattoos, it’s what makes people happy.

Random stuff:

Would you get a mall piercing? Nope, when your wife does yours you don’t need to go to infection city to get 

Where do you buy body jewelry? Various places, the mall, my wife, the interwebs. 

Do you like needles? I don’t mind ‘em. I’m I’m not in love with needles. 

Do you like pain? Nope. I’m a wimp.

Do you prefer self-piercing or professional? ;) I like professionals.

Do you think societies views on piercings need to change? To an extent. I think people are too judgemental, but there are places that piercings don’t belong.

Have you had trouble getting a job because of a piercing/tattoo? Nope

Would you ever have someones name tattooed on you? No!!

Would you want someone to tattoo their name on you? Sorry but nope

Do you think lower back tattoos are really "tramp stamps"? Nah.

Do you think tiny tattoos are pretty lame? Nope

If you could only have one tattoo ever again, what would it be? It’d be my son’s name

What will your next tattoo be? My moth

What is the last tattoo you got? the koi

Ever go with someone else to get a tattoo? I have. I just sit around the shop sometimes watching people.

When was the last time? Last week

Ever talked someone into getting a tattoo? When I sat with my wife and Billy at work, I talked a few people into getting tattoos

Anyone ever messed up a tattoo on you? Oh god no.

Have you ever not been able to sit through a tattoo? Nope

Have you ever cried?  No.

#survey #bodymods #tattoos #piercings

[jusadode-blog]

ONE MONTH OF T (in 2 days but I set my T days for fridays to align with my pharmacy)! THE SHIT I’VE NOTICED SO FAR (nsfw warning):

Please note: I am a special case and very reactive to T. My results so far are not the usual, so don’t use this as a reference post for your own experiences but more of just things that can or will happen in your own eventually. Also, if you notice these major changes very quickly, talk with your doctor to keep an eye on your t-levels since taking the usual dosage could be life-threatening. I had to personally (entirely by my own choice to the suprise of my doctor) to delay my shift to full dosage for another month due to risks involved. If at any point you feel like T is hellish or giving you too many bad side effects, talk with your doctor and they can lower it or give you other treatments to cope with the things. This is also super fucking disorganized, so if you wanna take tidbits of this and use it in your own masterpost go fucking wild mates. Also this format is fucking ugly but <3

Okay, so first and foremost: They weren’t lying, Testosterone does raise your libido. HOWEVER: After the initial shot it’s been pretty chill for me afterwards, even as a very sexual person. If you’re sex repulsed, ,asexual, or just don’t like the feeling of being horny, you might want to talk to your doctor about options to possibly lower your libido again if the T triggers it after more than a month. 

[NSFW] Testosterone made sex EASIER for me (personally). I used to be dry as a bone pre-T and just assumed I had some issues with vaginal stuff and would probably need to be put on estrogen cream like some other dudes and pals [also, most doctors will wait before giving you estrogen cream as that can actual cause more damage if unnecessary). The very first week I started T though? The rivers were flowing, the drought was over, and sex also became a lot easier for me (Albeit still hard since I have other issues going on). Also, suddenly I was experiencing “physical” horniness again (something I hadn’t had since middleschool) without the need of “psychological” horniness first. Like, usually I had to think of sexy stuff to get my gears going but suddenly just my body is throwing open the doors and windows now before I even know I’m even turned on mentally.

Your doctor might start you out on the half-recommended dosage for transitioning, this sounds SUPER scary to binary trans guys and enbies who want results fast, but honestly? Sometimes, your body reacts more. I literally have tripple the dick length and diameter I originally had in under a month (still under an inch), my chest is already more masculine shaped and drooping, as well as my voice is trying to figure out what the fuck is going on (I can feel it being funky). In one month. If I had started on the regular dosage, I might have actually died since I’m so receptive to testosterone. 

*Something* might change in you. Literally the first week after getting my shot, I suddenly was over 80% happier, more relaxed, and almost all of my social anxiety was out the window. Rather than being afraid and skittish in public, I’m more of just uncomfortable now. Also, I went from a bottom-veering verse to a top-veering verse, as well as I’ve found it a lot easier to look at other guys and be attracted to them comfortably??? This is probably almost entirely psychology related rather than biology, but still worth mentioning. It’s not like I changed as a person btw, it’s more of it’s easier to be happier as well as it’s easier to be the person I’m supposed to be.

My chin hairs doubled but they’re not ready to breed yet :’(

My knees got hairy?? I have scar tissue over areas of my knees and so when I noticed the hair growth was now covering them I was very surprised.

[NSFW] Your cum is gonna change smell and appearance. Your piss is gonna change smell. The first while it might be a bit of a PH balance issue (don’t try to treat it without a doctors assistance since you’re in a special case), but it’s gonna change. My personal scent went from a “potatoey” natural scent to a vaguely public restroom smell in a month (which worries me greatly cause that means I’ve been to bathrooms people jerked it in). It’s gonna be a bit uncomfortable getting used to your new biological functions smell, especially if you already had issues with them, but it’s for the better.

T-Shots CAN BE PAINLESS. I’m still learning how to do injections since I didn’t actually have a nurse to help me (HAHAHAHAHA THANK GOD FOR YOUTUBE FOR FUCKING CHRISTS SAKES HAHAHAHAHA), but I’ve had 1.5 shots so far that have been pretty painless. My first two shots hurt a lot (first time I panicked and did a LOT wrong, second I still goofed a bit), but my third time was so ungodly painful during injection because I had pulled the fat too far back but upon releasing there was NO muscular pain, just injection pain. I’ve just had a completely pain-free shot using a pull technique with my shot, but PLEASE NOTE: Fat deposits is a major thing to consider in this. The more fat in the area, the more it hurts. I’ve moved slightly upwards towards the top of my leg while still following requirements for the shot to be safe, and I’ve found a sweet spot where my muscle has almost no fat there. The longer you’re on T, the more fat should move from your legs and to your stomach (with a reasonable amount left behind), but trans bears are in for a bit of hell unless they find their own thing.

Protip to keep your muscle relaxed: Lay back in your bed with a pillow propped under your ankle of the injection leg, make sure you’re breathing the entire time, and do a steady push with the 60-90 degree recommendation I see everywhere. Do it with the needle angled towards your knees (handle towards your head), and it should help hurt less. 

You get a lil bit dumber. I’mma leave this vague, but like watch your impuslivity mates. Before engaging in risky behavior, always discuss with yourself pre-event to ensure you know what you’re willing to consent to, what you’re not, as well as always know if you can’t say yes to something with confidence then it’s a no. This is mostly written in regards to drunk and spontaneous sex (Always have a basic outline of what you consent to under most circumstances), but also like if you’re gonna go smoke weed with friends and someone brings out some harder stuff. Set this based upon your own personal ethics, beliefs, comfort, etc..

You get acne where you never had it before. WHY THE FUCK IS THERE A ZIT ON MY TRECHEA??? THE WORLD WILL NEVER KNOW.

If you have the Herpes virus ( both mouth and genital), it might break out more frequently and worse for a while due to hormone changes (this will balance out). Watching your diet and avoiding trigger foods, stress (hahahaha), and using proper treatment products at the first sign of an outbreak will help prevent them from happening or being too severe. Talk with your doctor about possible medication options during breakouts, as well as preventative ones. 

Your skin is gonna be fucking whack for a while. Have you ever had dry, acne-encrusted skin? I HAVE. My face was so dry after my second shot of T yet still covered in so much acne it was the weirdest shit ever. I’ve changed around my skin routine a bit (I literally just use a acne medicine I used during my first puberty and a new skin lotion when I notice dryness).

Your appetite might change. Make sure when starting testosterone you eat reasonably healthy, and make some life choices to ensure you don’t develop heart disease. I’ve begun eating vegetables at least once a week (considering I’d go months without them and eat starches in their place, this is revolutionary), and I’m still trying to properly dedicate myself to a work out routine.

Belly? It’s gonna look a different kind of fat. Mine suddenly looks wider and generally more protruding, and for me I enjoy this since I don’t wanna be a twink. AFAB’s tend to store body fat in hips, theighs, and butts, while men tend to store it in their stomachs and around their organs (meant to be burned quickly during fight or flight, but just causes heart disease now.) A good site covering this pretty effectively is: https://www.erchonia.com/how-men-and-women-store-fat-differently/ , but please note this is a company that offers lazer surgeries related to fat removal so it’s probably at least somewhat biased.

YOUR NEEDLES AND YOUR TESTOSTERONE HAVE DIFFERENT RX CODES GIVE YOUR PHARMACY ALL OF THEM.

 Laundry detergent bottles make great sharps containers (most needles come with lids, but please do this anyways since it is a biohazard).

Sometimes, your needles will be more expensive than your Testosterone. This is why WV has a fucking HIV crisis with heroine addicts right now :/

Also btw, shop pharmacies and use apps like WellRX for coupons, one pharmacy offered me T for 60$ but the other offered me it for like 120$. Check out pharmacies like in Walmart, Target, Costco, and others to see who has the cheapest available if you don’t have insurance or have to pay copays. [You can do this with all medications including Insulin]

If you’re nonvegan/vegetarian, just eat more chicken and less red meat, it’s got more protein and less grease, and will probably save your life in the long run. 

Workout! You’re bodys gonna be fucking weird for a while, and finding a healthy way to let out your emotions is a great way to cope with the hormonal feelings you’ll get, as well as it’ll help keep your heart healthy and maybe even prep you for surgery. If you’re disabled, find out what works for you.

[NSFW[ I personally use a very weighted sex toy for lifting, and a modified NerdFitnesses’ 20 minute workout routine. https://www.nerdfitness.com/blog/beginner-body-weight-workout-burn-fat-build-muscle/

Speaking of hormonal though, it’s gonna get real fucking ugly real fucking fast for a while. You’re gonna cry, scream, pout, panic, and then (assuming you are a sexual being) jerk off. It’s a mess for a hot while, mine started my second shot but it seems to be leveling out. Now I’m on my 3rd shot so I’ll find out when it’s too late if it’s any easier lol.

and finally:

Check out David Bowie’s “Changing”, they had it in Shrek but like apparently he did a version too and I’m hardcore kinning it right now.

#talk junk