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newhologram · 7 years

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2016 diary of a spoonie

Rereading my diary from 2016 for some perspective (not ready to open my 2015 one, I know it’s going to be even more difficult). Remembering some mental places I've been and that I made it through them and I’m still here.

Here are some parts I'm okay with sharing, hopefully it will help someone realize they are not alone and that as difficult as things get, there is so much more to life than being sick even if we have to deal with it often in isolation.

It’s also good to keep in mind that when we have illnesses that affect our brain/mood, it can drastically warp our perception of the world, our lives, and ourselves. That’s why I started trying to keep a diary, to record these moments when I’m not myself, when my illnesses make me think things that aren’t true, makes me have horrible tunnel vision, and then be able to look back on them when I’m not in that mental state and try to get an understanding of it.

(warning for suicide mentions in some excerpts because Mr. Brain can be kinda bananas sometimes, it’s pretty heavy and a lot of it is me scribbling when dissociating pretty badly so I say some weird things)

This is also probably a cautionary tale to NOT BE LIKE ME, I’m a bad spoonie. I can’t believe I forced myself to have such a full schedule, no wonder my body broke down by December.

1.5.16 8:49 PM: Everything in my life is so turbulent. Why? I feel like someone cut and pasted me here.

1.19.16 2:51 AM: I barely slept. Puked a little, dry heaved a lot, sweated so much. Cried my eyes out in the shower.

I have to leave for work in 2 hours. I hope it's not a long day.

I don't know where this mood swing came from. I feel so weak. I was just crying and crying because I can't stand myself. I can't stand being me. I feel so alone and lost. I feel so stupid.

3:18 AM: Dry heaved again. I'm shivering and I feel horrible. Why does this happen to me? I thought I was done with this. I feel like I'm shriveling up.

What's going to happen to me?

1.20.16 10:56 AM: Yesterday was rough. First depressive mood swing of this year. I suddenly felt like no one would ever love me. That I’m just an immature slob. A burden. A loser. Dirty.

I don’t even have a best friend. I’m not close with anyone. I can’t organize my room or my life. I just sort of work, play games, and sleep. I’m so lonely. I’m stressed and overwhelmed. I don’t have anyone to talk to. I live in a fantasy world but really I’m just alone here in my room.

I feel so pathetic. I feel so stupid. Who could ever love me?

1.26.16 4:59 PM: Wow! Worked 7am-3:18pm. Didn’t see Miss Piggy. Again!

But since I got out so early I was able to run and errand, do yoga, aerobics, read, and stuff.

Now is definitely meditation time but I’m worried I will fall asleep. Too tired to bathe/eat.

Going to open my heart chakra! Yay!

1.31.16 5:57 PM: Holy stress. Still no word about the shoot. Aaand there was some asshole.

Gotta let it go. They don’t dictate my day. I do. Only me. I am in charge. No one else.

2.3.16 10:48 PM: No spoons for laundry or putting clothes up. I desperately need to do that. My room is overflowing with clothes.

BAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(drawing of a newlamb)

たりないよ　(it’s not enough!)

2.5.16 10:54 PM: I feel so strange. Like I’m a thousand lifetimes apart from New. I don’t know who that person is.

I guess it’s okay not to know.

Right?

2.14.16 1:15 AM: よふかししてるの (I’m stayin’ up late)

Um... too much mental energy. Body is done and tired but my mind all よ～～～～～～～～～～！

Kinda woozy today. But I got FFX-2 running so I’ve been doing that. Maybe too much.

2.21.16 10:30 PM: Oops, 4 days of not writing in here.

I didn’t work Thursday. Friday I went to Hollywood w/ ______. We saw Frozen, she gave me my presents, we had tea and a chicken burger at Chado tea room and we goofed around doing touristy things. Had so much fun, I really missed her.

I was so tired I fell asleep at 8pm. I woke up at 3am but I was having so much fun sleeping that I just went back to sleep until 8am.

2.24.16 8:22 PM: I was having an okay day. I was doing okay. Right now I want to not exist. Two auditions tomorrow. What am I gonna do?

I wish I was never born.

I don’t feel much. Now would be a good time to do it. But I don’t want to hurt my dad.

Wish I had someone to talk to.

I’m so done. So done. So alone.

If I died a lot of people would be really sad but it wouldn’t change much.

I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to be me. I hate who I am. I hate me. I’m too stupid to work retail. I can’t do math. I can’t edit, I was too stupid for editing school. My body can’t work or I get sick.

I don’t know how I’ll be able to support myself. I can’t rely on my dream. It might not come true. I’ll be 30 in 4 years—will I still be living here, relying on my dad? I’m a joke. I’m not a real adult or person.

My cats would be sad if I died. Would they understand? I don’t want to hurt them either but I don’t know how much longer I can hold on.

I’m not okay right now but I have no one. I’m all alone.

A few tears came out.

That’s all I have.

2.25.16 1:12 PM: I’m so sad right now. The pain is already bad. I don’t have money for more edibles. I had to cancel one audition because I was too sick. Too depressed. Too much anxiety.

I went to Sprouts and very nearly had a freak out. I tried to meditate. I can’t focus on editing. I feel trapped. I feel like the walls are caving in.

How am I gonna get out of this one? I’ve done it before. Time is crawling.

Bad pain spreading. Bad thoughts. bad urges. I need distractions but the problem is that I’m too depressed to actually focus on anything fun.

I can barely cry. It’s like a blockage.

FUUUUUCK!!!

(lots of scribbles)

2.26.16 12:05 PM: Much better today. Body is tired but I’m not depressed. Nope! Had a shoyuu tamago. Mm! It’s still really early but I think it’s time for a meditation nap.

3.2.16 10:03 PM: It’s March wtf... okay.

3.11.16 1:46 PM: I soar. I am worthy. My dreams will come true.

3.13.16 2:51 PM: It’s Nikki’s birthday.

I feel like all I do is edit, play games, RP, watch cartoons... :(

Even though I love that stuff, it doesn’t make me money. It makes me happy, so happy, but. Where am I going in my life?

I just feel so fragile I’m worried that if one day, my family snaps at me and says how they hate having to support me, that I won’t be able to take it. That I’ll run away, or worse. I’ve had some suicidal ideations lately. I feel like my family hates me. I know it’s silly but. Maybe at the very least they resent me.

:( I wish I wasn’t like this.

3.21.16 1:42 PM, Monday: It’s so hard not to feel like he [my dad] hates me. I keep having horrible dreams about fighting with him or other family like my sister. :(

Things will work out. Things will pay off.

Lots of pain right now. I have so much to do always. Always trying, always in pain, never have money.

Caught int he swirl.

I am something and someone.

3.28.16 1:19 PM: If I get that job it’s going to be really difficult to balance with bg work but what choice do I have? I can’t afford my bills right now.

(written out weekly schedule with a drawing of Bill crying and saying, “you can do it”)

I can do this. I can make it happen.

4.4.16 8:37 AM: Bad morning anxiety again. I kept waking up with my heart pounding. Dry-heaved a bit at 7am.

So much going on in my head. Wish I could stop it.

4.29.16 8:45 PM: Ugh!! MOOD DOWN, CAN’T FOCUS!! SAD!!

5.29.16 12:25 PM: Wow. Really been in la la land. Mood crazy. My period came 11 days late and I am 900% sure I felt a cyst pop.

I haven’t been meditating... I really need to get back into it so I won’t fall apart. also I lost out on 3 bookings, ugh. :( It’s just a dry spell. It will get better.

I just want to cry in bed. A lot.

6.13.16 8:52 PM: Whoops. I have no memory of actually writing that last post.

Still having a hard time with this summer depression... Trying to hang in there.

I had 2 insane customers stress me out the past 2 shifts. Shoots are still only about 1/week...

I’ve been keeping busy despite my health though. Been editing and stuff a lot, though rest breaks get me down.

BUT SO. I moved my room around. Don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.

(drawing of my room before and after)

So much nicer. I think I’ve been sleeping better. And now there’s not all this junk space under my bed or to the side. Love it!

Well so... Friday I had a bad audition. It sucked so hard. Had to cry, tried to prepare, couldn’t cry... fuck.

Whatever. Life goes on. My confidence has sucked lately.

Sigh (drawing of New in lamb hat with eyes full of tears)

There was a bad shooting. Worst in US history, at a gay club in Florida. 49 dead. The whole world is crying. I feel numb.

6.14.16 11:45 PM: I love my dad more than anyone in the whole universe. He has done so much for me and other people. He deserves the best love. He deserves to be happy.

I’m so sick of women hurting him like this. He tries so hard to make things work.

I hope he’ll be okay.

I just want him to know how special he is.

6.28.16 1:11 PM: Colonoscopy and upper endoscopy in an hour. Period started. Depressed.

Keep making mistakes at my part-time job. Worried. Stressed.

Tuesday now, been eating nothing but jello since Saturday.

Just feeling really down about my situation. My health, work, school, friends. Everything.

I hate the snarling monster inside of me. I hate who it makes me. I hate myself for yelling at my dad yesterday.

I just really don’t like myself.

What can I do?

7.1.16 1:20 PM: Shooting a chronic pain thing in my room right now.

Camera in my face.

Feeling tired but pretty good.

7.24.16 10:38 PM: There’s so much to say but it’s late, gotta take my meds, and I got a shoot.

I release pain. I release guilt. Namaste.

8.11.16 2:22 PM: Why do things have to be so hard? I’m trying my best. I really am. But it’s not enough. Will it ever be enough? Will I ever live alone, be independent, be happy?

I feel like my dad resents me. I know he loves me but I just have so much pain and guilt for existing. I know I am capable of so much more and that life has so much to offer me... it’s just so hard.

9.3.16 8:17 PM: Hooey, it’s September. 3rd week with no bookings, taking an extra day at part-time job.

Since I’ve had all these days off I have been dividing my time to get things done, rest, play games, better myself. Even just a little at a time is good.

9.11.16 11:13 PM: Finally got work. Which means I worked 5 days. Yay.

I’m still trying to improve my writing. My problem is I never really have a plan—or I get stuck at words, instead of just writing.

9.12.16 10:49 PM: Oh, hell... My agent called today, I got booked on some shoot. But it’s for tomorrow, so. I can’t since now I work Tues as well. So last week I worked SUN, TUES, WED, THU, FRI... hooly shit. No wonder I feel awful.

Of course when I tried to talk to ___ about it they made me cry. Fuck. Been depressed all fucking day. Fuck fuck fuck.

I’m okay. I have distractions. I have coping methods.... I have myself. Soon is paychecks. I’m okay.

Tomorrow is... let’s see.

7 AM wake, meditate, yoga 8 AM tea, tumblr 9 AM edit 10 AM read 11 AM rest 12 PM ?????

I can do it.

9.23.16 12:27 PM, Friday: My body is struggling to keep up w this schedule.

I worked Sun Mon Tues Wed, had yesterday off, now I have to be at a shoot in a few hours. I’ve had to seriously up my self-care game to be able to do this. Tomorrow is school and acupuncture. I’ll be wiped out.

But... money! Also I’ve been meditating a lot with amethyst and rose quartz.

(a row of crystals)

On Mon my shoot was so hard, I was having such a rough time but then I met two cool Japanese women. One is Michiko Nishiwaki, a famous stunt woman. She and the (other) Michiko seemed really impressed by me and want me to get on TV. Yay.

Okay, I feel woozy so it is time to read.

10.11.16 12:12 pm: Last week was two kinds of intense.

SUN-WED: bad depression. bad pain. bad bad bad.

TH: Doc, got dmv handicap parking placard, bloodwork, x-rays, narcotics. FRI-SAT: pain so easy, feeling happy.

SUN: pain back after good massage

Now I’m feeling depressed again.

I’m so scared for my future. I just can’t bear the thought of still being in this situation at age 30.

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.

10.20.16 12:30 PM: I booked a short film. Happy about it but feeling depressed about my health again.

It’s like a merry-go-round.

(sad crying face)

10.31.16 11:46 PM: (arrow pointing to previous entry) I don’t remember writing that. HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

Well. Tomorrow is November.

Yikes. Where was I last year around this time? Only doing bg, no vlogs to edit. No Overwatch.

What did I do during down time? How did I keep sane?

This year has brought a lot of change, but ti’s easy to see it only as the same because my career is so slow going.

Just keep swimming.

11.25.16 4:15 AM: I start my hostessing job in 5 hours. New job. 3rd job.

Idk. I’m so sad rn. Anxious. Woke up w racing heart. Pukey. I wanna cry.

I didn’t do anything wrong.

12.1.16 9:48 PM: I threw up a lot, just now recovering a week later.

Things:

New job: shift got cut Tuesday

Universe made up for it by having casting call me with work. Cult member. Very far but this should be interesting.

Doc today gave me gave more tramadol + xanax ☆ Nice.

it’s December wtf

Made a Patreon

12.12.16 10:02 PM: Energy is focused. Going to set up 2017 to be a great year.

12.16.16 3:07 PM: I intend to heal. I feel terrific. I love myself. I release guilt. The universe supports me. Today I expect that something wonderful is going to happen.

My Dharma is to guide, inspire, teach, and help.

All is perfect. All is well.

#spoonie #chronic illness #fibromyalgia #narcolepsy #invisible illnesses #personal #teku #long post #suicide mention

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