#and a lil force sensitive bothan

[dingoat]

[Ugh do you know how HARD this one was for me to figure out when we still have so much BETWEEN THEM to work out??? Have they told each other they love one another yet? Will they, would they? Anyway I did my best and it still hurt >.> ~750 words on the theme of pining for the impossible and a big big problem with bonded souls.]

You're Not Mine

She didn’t want to think about the time drawing to an end, she almost didn’t… want to keep progressing, knowing that every step forward she took in gaining control over her wild half also drew her a step closer to having to… leave.

She didn’t want to leave. She didn’t want to be apart. She wanted him to come with her even though she knew it was impossible, he never would, and yet she could not stay here forever, the thought of drawing out her return to the fox left her writhing with guilt. It wasn’t fair, it wasn’t fair, and yet all she could do was cling onto every moment she had  while it was still there for her to hold.

“Ahuska,” Thirteen’s voice was gently amused. “How about you not dig in those claws like you’re holding on for dear life.”

“Sorry, sorry-” she winced and pulled back her hands from around his waist, folding them self consciously against her chest only to have one of his strong, long-fingered hands wrap around hers and tug it gently back to his side.

She shivered, then sighed, and tucked her face under his chin. “It’s not fair,” she whispered, as she had countless times before.

He knew what she meant. He felt what she meant. And he softly sighed in kind, knowing he could no more lie to her than cut out his own tongue. “It isn’t,” he agreed, moving his hand to rub slow, comforting circles between her shoulderblades.

“I don’t want a life without you in it,” she murmured, her muzzle sleek and soft against his jawline.

And it hurt him, as it hurt her, and he was silent for a while as he tried to find the words that would help her understand why she yearned for the impossible. “Ahuska. I love you, but you’re not mine,” he whispered, but as sweet and earnest as his tone was, he couldn’t guard against the way her heart twisted to hear it.

“Why not, why not? Your heart is big enough for me as well, I know it, I know it…”

“Big enough for your love, maybe,” he said, his hand sliding to the back of her head, fingers weaving through her hair, hoping to soothe her before speaking further. Their hearts shared their melancholy, their wistfulness, their frustration at a galaxy that had pressed them together when they could not be. He tilted his head and kissed the bridge of her muzzle. “Your love, but not your hate.”

“What- what?” She gave her head a fierce little shake against his face. “I don’t hate you. I never hated you, you know I don’t blame you for the way anything happened…”

“Five,” Thirteen said, and the way she twisted against him, her response so deep and visceral that the revulsion echoed in his own heart, only made him more certain.

She hid her grimace by tucking her face between his neck and the cushion, but she could do nothing to keep her own feelings from him. “So what?  You’re not him.”

“But I love him,” Thirteen answered simply. “You have every right to hate him, and I would never ask you to change that, to forgive him for my sake.”

“So what’s…”

“I don’t blame you for your feelings. But I can’t stand to feel them for myself, and I’m sure you don’t appreciate sharing mine.”

She didn’t.

Opening her heart to him had been… oh, it had been everything, to know one another so perfectly, man and bothan and wolf and hawkbat, but she knew how carefully they skirted around the subject of Five. She didn’t want their bond tainted with an awareness of Thirteen’s love and loyalty for him…

And how could Thirteen go to him, with Ahuska’s seething aversion simmering in the back of his mind?

How could she do that to him?

“Don’t,” he whispered, feeling her on the verge of spiralling. “You’re bigger than the mess life made of you. You’ll be unstoppable one day, and you won’t need me.”

She shuddered, and closed her eyes as she tucked herself more closely against him. “But I want you.”

“And right now you have me,” he reminded her as he kissed her on the forehead. Please, gods. He fought to convince himself as strongly as he wished it for her. Let it be enough.

#swtor #swtor fic #imperial agent #and a lil force sensitive bothan #in the process of learning how to not murder people by accident #something something overcoming imperial conditioning #anyway I'm so grateful for all the asks folk sent #I have not had much at all by way of art energy this week #so it's nice to have something different to exercise creativity on #and mulling over the potential stories #helps get through the damp and dreary work days #I am #so very weary #XD #dingoat writes

[girlbossk]

a ranking of all them eu jedi from best to worst

with like 500% personal bias plus a helping of acknowledgement that some of the lamer jedi are very very good, actually

also i am definitely forgetting some jedi but hopefully not any of the important ones. i am tired though so who knows

saba sebatyne. she’s a badass. she’s a LIZARD. she trains leia fucking organa. what more do you want. 

jaina solo because like... jaina solo 

TENEL KA DJO aka she is suuuper underutilized later down the line!!! in like everything post-yjk!!!! which is very very sad but she is the best

cilghal!!!!! she’s so nice but also if she’s pissed at u she will use the force to make u feel like u have to pee. which is very passive-aggressive and i love that

...does danni quee count as a jedi? because i LOVE danni quee and i would really have liked to see jedi danni quee but the dumb authors never leaned into her force sensitivity and :(

tesar sebatyne gets the honor of being the first man on this list because he’s so GOOD, saba raised him RIGHT  

tahiri veila oh my GOD i have so many feelings about tahiri veila

tekli!!!!!!!!!!! almost entirely for darkmeld reasons but also shes cool!!! and a chadra-fan!!!! love those lil guys

lowbacca!!!!!! i like that wookiee

wookieepedia says that vestara khai counts as a “jedi trainee” according to their jedi trainees of the new jedi order category page and who am i to argue with wookieepedia. she was in my........... ok, top ten fotj characters, because she’s top ten here and DON’T make me narrow it down more than that 

mara jade i like you 

leia!!!! who is only this low because she’s more politician than jedi even when trying to be a jedi; if i was just doing a list of fave characters she’d be higher on it 

tionne solusar!!!!!!!!! musician jedi heck yeah!

corran horn rip your higher status on this list which died in all your pre-dad years appearances. love u tho 

oh my god i can’t believe i forgot about luke. i stand by putting corran above him so if everyone else is above corran then they are also above luke

octa ramis is pretty cool

BEN SKYWALKER why are you... you 

kam solusar!!! tbh i don’t care for him much but he’s a good dad to all the jedi kids and for that i’m thankful 

bela and krasov hara who NEVER got to be seen as individuals and im so upset about that but they are up here because a) barabels and b) right after bela died when krasov was using the force to animate her body and draw off the voxyn.... cared more about that than ANY anakin solo scene. i SAID what i SAID. 

lusa rip lusa, killed offpage

valin horn! good kid

seha dorvald! like her

anakin solo died a BABY 

does allana solo count as a jedi? she was baby liv’s fave because she was tiny too!!!! and had a pet nexu!!!! anji love u 

ALEMA RAR DESERVED BETTER

bazel warv aka barv whom i remember adoring and also his name is barv and i just thought that was hilarious when i was a kid

jysella horn... i don’t remember her oh no!!!!!! this ranking will almost certainly change once i see her do things but alas

ganner rhysode :((((((((((( who should be higher due to. traitor. but i actively disliked him before traitor, sooo

ULAHA YOU AND THE REST OF THE STRIKE TEAM DESERVED SO MUCH BETTER

yaqeel saav’etu alright this one might be unfair but. she is a bothan. am inclined to like her however due to being bffs with corran’s kids though soooo might change

ugh jacen solo, ok. not even counting all the caedus stuff i never really liked him as much as jaina or even the rest of the yjk team except zekk

zekk. boo 

kyle katarn.... look i don’t really know who this guy is but for the longest time i thought he was kyp and i have not yet had this disproven

kenth hamner... i will NEVER forgive what u did in fate of the jedi

AND THE VERY LAST PLACE IS AWARDED TO KYP DURRON!!!! HATE HIM!!!!!!! SO VERY MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#star wars