#and I feel no communion or comraderie with cishet men. despite longing to emulate aspects of their performances

[saintlesbian]

hm. having a mini gender crisis in the middle of my shift again

#pentababbles #good LORD is this getting annoying #got hit by a sudden dysphoria attack while talking to a girl and had to ask myself: #am I a trans guy or just really really butch?? #like I feel. othered. from cishet women with my alternate lifestyle in spite of both sharing space with them AND being attracted to them #even though I know they see me as one of them so immediately I am Not a Threat despite not performing femininity very well #and I feel no communion or comraderie with cishet men. despite longing to emulate aspects of their performances #I don’t really wanna be seen as a ‘man’ but I don’t wanna be seen as a woman either #to women I want to be seen as an object of attraction. to my friends I want to be seen as masc. to men I want to be seen as a threat #and these things don’t all automatically line up with being a man… #I think I would be more comfortable with femininity if I was at least allowed to be masculine first. #like. I NEED to go shopping in the men’s section so so bad #I’d really like to start taking t. on a low dose #just for a little while then stop once I achieve certain permanent changes I want (low voice + bottom growth) #I wanna get back into exercising to trim some fat #specifically the fat in more feminine areas. I really want that Britney Griner type chest #I’ve also contemplated the name ‘Abraham’ for my irls to call me when I feel less femme #kinda like my butch bartender oc Quincy except I’m. not that muscular and not a she/her #although I’d probably be more comfortable with she/her if I wasn’t forced into femininity so often #I think at the end of the day though. I’m not a trans guy just a weird dyke #bc I like feminine labels specifically in a lesbian manner: I’m okay with being called girlfriend or wife but not with daughter or sister #I’m dykegender. does all that make sense