#and I behaved so childishly and toxic myself because I never felt fulfilled

[mrs-han]

Hello, my lovelies!!

Thank you all so much for your submissions and interactions — it is so wonderful to be back in the company of truly wonderful people!!

I’ve been gifted with an abundance of happiness and strength that I simply needed to boast about it. Just a little! >w<

I’ll absolutely get back to your creative requests right after this! 🥹

V’s newly adopted daughter brought about a profoundly positive change in him, one both you and Jumin encouraged wholeheartedly. Jumin seemed giddier and far more optimistic now that his best friend was talking with him and inviting him over regularly.

And you felt a magnetic pull from Jumin as he expressed a playful and childlike side of himself, a side he didn’t show very often. Reason one billion, seven hundred and ninety-nine of why you loved your Jumin Han.

You played with a vivacious Lucy on the floor, bouncing your little doll against the floor of a Victorian dollhouse gifted to her by none other than her rich uncle. “The Prince is waiting for us! We must hurry!”

“I’m getting dressed!” Lucy opened an elegant dresser stuffed with little pieces of crocheted clothes done by your dear husband. “Oh, what shall I wear!”

Jumin’s chuckle distracted you. You spun to look at him; he raised his teacup towards you and continued speaking to V while still staring at you.

“Auntie, your turn to talk!!”

“Oh, uh —” you bounced your doll animatedly. “Put on the dress you bought last week!”

Lucy reached into the dollhouse; a loud crash suddenly alerted everyone in the room.

“Sweetheart?!” V sped towards his daughter, pulling her into his arms and searching her body for injuries. “Are you hurt? Sweetheart, look at me. Are you hurt?”

Lucy’s lower lip wobbled and tears flowed from her large blue eyes within seconds. “I… I broke the floor…”

After checking you over for any injuries, Jumin angrily reached for his phone. “This is completely unacceptable. I’m calling the manufacturer right now.”

“N-No,” Lucy stammered, wiping her tears with her tiny hands. “It’s my fault… I pushed… I pushed on it, and… p-please don’t be mad…”

You crawled to her, crooking a finger and lifting her chin. “Sweetie, accidents happen…! There could have been rot in the wood, so that’s why it needed to be knocked down! You performed a major service, you see!”

Lucy sniffed, unconvinced.

“Tell you what. Let’s give that room a brand new makeover!”

“C… Can we do that?” Lucy’s eyes pleaded with you.

“We’re gonna do our very best! It isn’t gonna be perfect, but it will be the best room by far because we recreated it!”

And you stuck to your word. Refusing pre-made models from your husband, you created miniature floorboards and light fixtures… after receiving a few minor shocks. Lucy carved furniture, painted her own art over the droll wallpaper, and knit a few new clothes with her Uncle Jumin.

And V helped dress each doll with their very own handmade dress. Or shirt. Or sweater.

After two weeks of working, the room was complete. It certainly contrasted the rest of the Victorian vibe, with its vibrant colors and bulky furniture, but none of you cared. Especially Lucy.

She tugged your sleeve, a proud sparkle in her eyes. “Auntie, auntie! Now that we’re finished, we can play in it!”

You smiled gently, running your fingers through her sandy brown hair. Jumin stepped in, shaking his head and producing a fairly stern tone. “Lucille, dove. Your aunt needs to rest.

“Aw… okay!!” Lucy spun towards her father, tugging his arm eagerly while begging for a yes to her question.

“Thank you,” you whispered, resting your weary head on Jumin’s chest. “My fingers are battered and my back is sore.”

Strong and capable arms holding you up, Jumin swayed slightly with you. “You know better than any of us how time consuming and rewarding construction is.”

You realized what he was talking about — how the walls and windows of your inner sanctum had been bashed in, leaving glass and dirt and other extremities everywhere.

It took you a grueling amount of time — weeks, months, years — making repairs and throwing out those who didn’t contribute to your greater good.

Including Jumin.

Your eyes flickered — Jumin lightly kissed your forehead. “You‘ve grown so much, my love. But if you start self-sabotaging by spending more time in someone else’s domain, then I’m afraid I’ll have to take necessary action.”

“Necessary action?”

“Break their door and carry you home, of course.” His brows shot up. “Or perhaps throw a rock at a window?”

“You shouldn’t damage property, Jumin.”

“I can if your host begins boarding you in.”

“No, I mean, you shouldn’t because I’ll have already bulldozed my way out.”

Your retort assuaged Jumin’s hardening gaze. “Haah… so it is true. From the ashes rises the Phoenix.”

Lifting you into his arms, you sank into Jumin’s embrace with ease, closing your eyes and pressing near. “I’m a hell of a Phoenix, too.”

Jumin chuckled gently. “Yes. You are.”

#mystic messenger #jumin han #mein schatz #jumin x reader #jumin x mc #ya’ll. #I put myself through SO MUCH HELL? 😂 #seeking approval from people who never approved themselves #always asking ‘what can I do’ ‘what can I do’ #always looking to serve them before serving myself #and I behaved so childishly and toxic myself because I never felt fulfilled #but damn was I doing it all wrong. #When I banished negative energies — when I realized that I needed to show myself the kindness I wasn’t shown #everything changed. #unfortunately Jumin was embedded into those painful experiences #but I stripped him of the ideologies others engrained into him #So many GOOD things are happening to me now #All of that work and all of those tears meant something. i didn’t waste any time like I thought I did when I hit the anger process of grief. #I’ve attracted or been attracted to souls who vibe high and who mean well. #i take shit from no one. #i can defend myself and my honor without a tremble in my voice. #my freedom and peace mean more than your feelings. #I’m genuinely Happy. #and I’m gonna bask in my blessings now because I DESERVE to. #on that note ~! #i have a date tonight >w< #SoundCloud #Spotify

[lecherouswritings]

Earlier on this blog I did a large, basic outline of Rat’s plot with MANY details and interactions redacted for the sake of making something easy to read and not a blatant script. The structures of the writings I post here are more for my memory’s sake and not actual prose or even thought-provoking? It’s so I can keep track of where I was in the story comparing where I am now. The stories change up a lot, as do the characters, but some have been around for so long that the changes they make are minor. I thought it might be kind of fun to “go off” on some stuff I want to touch on in Rat’s plot. I get a lot of this stuff is masturbatory self-fulfiling stuff and I don’t expect anyone to give it a read so don’t feel any pressure haha. It’s always done for myself, but I appreciate anyone who takes the time regardless.

Rat goes through several personality changes. When I had originally wrote out this plot, before tumblr, Rat was kind of this idol that people took with them, and his presence where ever they took him was disruptive, like a bad omen. Almost like he’s hibernating the whole plot until one day he breaks free from his cocoon and is the Devil. I examined it and heard other people’s ideas and felt that wasn’t really good enough. I wanted Rat to be more involved. In fact, my characters are very interactive with me on a daily basis, and I want to be able to share the voices that interact with me. It has to go through me and I’m not the best converting tool, but I’m giving it my best shot so bear with me. I thought that maybe Rat would have severe abandonment issues what with not having parents and using his friends as a family, and I wanted to avoid the word family and use the word Pack, not just for the wolf reference, but to definitely not reference the Manson Family which is a very real thing that happened and don’t want to be disrespectful to victims and such. I did model a lot of what Rat and his pack do after The Manson Family movie that Jim Van Bebber did, that was a huge, huge inspiration for me, but again, didn’t want to completely take from a real event, even if the movie was amazingly executed. All that being said, I think Rat does fine on his own and doesn’t have any fear of abandonment. He alters how he behaves and talks around certain pack members, and has a general authoritative role when they’re all together. Mixing and matching his personality based on who he’s interacting with is an important thing to keep in mind whenever I get around to the comic. I’d say he’s most genuine around Peter because Peter doesn’t believe in most of the shit that’s happening, whereas most of the pack members are fooled ( they’re impressionable 20 somethings, basically kids. ) I think also, Rat, having been bullied by other kids and adults due to his differences ( He has wolf teeth, deformed arms and legs, socially repugnant ) found a sort of underdog hero in The Devil from when he would attend church. God, who was so loving and good, never stepped in whenever Rat needed Him, so this lead to a stream of thinking that maybe he was rooting for the wrong side. But then, Satan did nothing either. That left option 3: BECOME Satan! Why not? What’s stopping him? We’re taught to be whoever we want to, so why not that? Rat doesn’t have a good concept of ( or maybe he doesn’t care to ) what’s doable and what isn’t in the frame of reality. It should also be noted that since he didn’t have much of a childhood, it’s also a big big reason why he acts so childish and childishly cruel and silly. It’s his way of expressing a part of his life he didn’t get to have much of, aside from with Amy and Kyle. Rat also has a problem processing real empathy. He’s good with faking it, playing a role if it gets him what he wants, but actually feeling sorry for someone isn’t something he’s capable of feeling once he gets older. As a kid, sure, he’s still very tender and has some good intentions left in him, but toxic masculinity sets in the older he gets, the ego and all it’s clowny ridiculousness, and how everything imaginable is a plaything for him. Again, why not? Morals? He doesn’t really care. To quote his faceclaim, “I can’t believe in the things that don’t believe in me” which I attribute heavily to his character. There are certain principals he’ll abide by, but that doesn’t make him good by any respect. He may not abide by rape, but he’s certainly an advocate for murder. OH but, he does legitimately care for his select Pack members, but it diminishes over time and becomes fake, but the readers aren’t too sure when that is, when he’s faking it and when he’s being legitimate. Why does Rat advocate for murder? What makes someone think it’s alright to take the lives away from others? So one huge thing about my stories is they’re all linked to an Old God named Hito. The chain of command in this story goes Hito - Rat - The Pack. When they worship Rat, it translates to Hito, so they’re all participating in a limited faction of Hitoism, and they’re aware of Hito and what they’re doing and what for, just not the limited part. Hito does have smaller factions that branch off, like Acolyte’s Endaiyanism which is like a masculine version of Hito but still Hito, and the opposition is Larionism but I’m not going to get into what that’s all about. What’s important is Hito and her role in this. Also super important detail as to why I almost never touch on Hito in recent art and things: Hito is never to be seen by mortals. Only glimpses and verbally but never seeing her. You have to be in the correct dimension to see her and living or mortal beings are NOT ALLOWED THERE. There’s no oxygen there so there’s no way anyone could just walk through a portal and be OK there. You can go there in dreams but Hito will not be in a visible form, you can feel it but not see her. You could’ve seen her when she was alive on Earth but she’s also not human ( her pronouns are preferred since she appears female and her cult is very female orientated but technically I don’t think Hito has a gender. ) Hito has a sort of wishmaster role in the comic where she can make people’s desires and wants become reality, so long as they’re willing to pay a life-long loan for it -- the loan being murdering people in Hitotian ritual. Rat, at a young age, wanted to encompass the concept of the Devil as he viewed him, and Hito would make that happen, so long as he killed so many people in a quota per night. The pack idea worked out because he’s able to meet that quota through his followers, so it keeps Hito satisfied and Rat on the path to physical and spiritual transformation. People never did Rat any favors, so why be peaceful when he can get what he wants by killing them? They don’t mean anything to him, He can’t relate to them, or be bothered to. He’s also a very keyed-in person, despite his lack of empathy. Rat’s the kind of person you can really get along with. He’ll know what to say to make you laugh or delight you, but he can also pull at your strings, find what makes you tick, and rile you up if he wants to. With Hito in his corner, it diminishes his fear, so Rat is very bold, in your face, and often times throwing himself and others into reckless danger for an idea he has. Or because he just wants to. Again, he tailors his personality based on his current company. He’s like a parasite who loves to worm into people for the sole purpose of his gain and nothing else. All charitable things he does for his pack members is to earn their trust. Ryan doesn’t trust Rat from the start, but is blindly following for his own gain. Rat’s aware of the mistrust and the disbelief, the Judas of the group, and knows that changing Ryan’s mind is out of the question. Ryan’s flawed by his own humanness, so Rat knows that he’ll get what’s coming to him. Based on the way Ryan and Amy interact, and knowing their history, it doesn’t take Rat a long time to deduce that Ryan took advantage of Amy as a minor when she was in a desperate phase in her life, and Ryan being older and knowing better, he’s earned Rat’s complete ire, but he keeps Ryan around because he’s a good tool; good at killing, huge and bulky, intimidating, bold and out there. Personally, however, he can’t stand the guy. He’s got a lot of normie qualities about him that Rat finds deplorable and unnecessary, but his feelings are slightly hypocritical as Rat indulges in the same behaviors as Ryan sometimes, but mostly as an act. Whoever needs to see it. I also realize, personally, that Rat and I talk about his views and reasons on things and I get 100% honesty in his responses, but the problem is that I feel it translates easier through verbal communication than written. Writing down facts and feelings on Rat are really difficult. It’s as if it doesn’t translate well, and since I don’t have any immediate questions I’m not sure what to really start or end with with Rat. Not to mention, Rat isn’t a singular age throughout the comic; he ages from 7 years old to 60s/70 years old so depending on what age the question’s aimed at will the answer vary, just like an actual person, so I try and make up general things to talk about that don’t change that much, like his stance on rapists and murdering. How about I do bullet point type of things, maybe that’ll help. Children: Hates them! Rat adopts a pecking-order mentality with children being the lowest, adults being slightly higher, and the elderly taking a backpedal back to one, but he feels more justified in messing with an old person than a child. Sometimes he’ll antagonize or enlist a child, like to help him steal something, or to incite a ruckus, but Rat hates children to the point of not wanting to kill them. He’ll usually send Ryan or Peter to kill them since they don’t have a problem with it. Amy doesn’t mind either but her, Jessica, and Kyle prefer not to. Food: Rat’s favorite foods are: Fruit gushers, milk chocolate, Baby Ruths, crunchy candy cigarettes, caramel apples, big giant lollipops, novelty candy like ringpops or baby bottles, anything with chewy caramel or rainbow designs on it. Actual food he’ll eat except he hates vegetables. Meat, cheese, but toss him an onion or asparagus and he’ll hit you. Rat’s spent most of his life living out of dumpsters and eating people’s throwaways, which is why he’s usually emaciated. He’ll sooner offer his Pack food than himself. ( Favorite drinks are chocolate and strawberry milk. ) Drugs: He’ll do it all but his favorite is acid and tequila. He’s dabbled with heroin and enjoyed that feeling, cocaine, but nothing beats the trip he gets on acid, or the punch of gold tequila. TV: His favorite shows are Care Bears, Wacky Races, anything Hanna Barbera or Looney Tunes related. Scooby Doo he loves, as well as stuff like Hair Bear Bunch and shows that were popular in his time, but mostly the children shows. Intelligence: Rat’s actually very well-read and street-smart! He’s book smart in various areas because he spent a lot of time in the library growing up since it was Not in his horrible home or on the streets, which is where his extensive reading of Satan happened. Rat loves to play dumb, a quality him and Jessica ( and occasionally Peter ) share. Maths not so much. Rat interpreted the bible’s Genesis story as a cautionary tale against learning so he made it a personal goal to learn as much as he could about everything around him. Rat’s mostly well-read on events concerning America, only after his arc does he make himself internationally known and learn about them, but Rat is um. He’s a very proud Florida-native American. Actually, in talking with him, I think he likes the image of something huge and powerful and stupid being in control, so he loves playing up dumb and insensitive when he’s a big scary monster post-arc ( He appears in other character’s stories as a monster that must be stopped!!! outta control!!! ) Attention: Loves it. Can’t get enough of it. He’ll be an absolute clown or a total showman, whatever the situation calls for. Maybe give someone else a spotlight while he waits for his moment to spring to life and steal it away. Rat is the ringleader of his merry bunch and will make sure everyone knows he’s A REAL ( MORNING ) STAR!!! Abilities: Rat has a Madness-By-Proxy ability where if he lingers in a place long enough, the people inhabiting the area will go insane and hallucinate. It’s a mind-control power that he has to flex and strengthen to get better at controlling it. The older and more experienced he gets with Hitotian ritual and murders, the larger the madness waves reach. People will wake up and murder their families and then not know why they did it, or whatever horrible deed -- in a way, this is almost a “devil made me do it” excuse if you think about it. As Rat metamorphoses, his power becomes stronger, then weaker, then the strongest. His metamorphosis is over time, deforming his body and changing his genetic structure so that he can safely pass into another dimension of familiars who’ll christen him The Devil, but first he must suffer, as suffering creates a residual energy that influences Hito and other entities to pass into our realm and alter us. I’d say almost every story I write has that element in it or similar. It’s hard to get at Rat because of his lack of empathy and warm blooded attitude, so his body and mind are targeted, his two treasured things as he’s a huge egomaniac. That being said, his body becoming deformed is both a blow to his ego and a huge ( somewhat erotic ) fascination he has. His pack are more upset by it than he is most of the time. Think of Rat as an insect going through the motions, like a caterpillar. I’d say Rat’s more adjacent to an insect than a wolf, but he loves the wolf symbolism so, so much. ( He’s a furry, give him a break, and also Peter had him manifest as a wolf in his fears so Rat loved that. ) Death: Extremely fascinated with it. All of his fantasies are centered around death, be it his own death or others. Him and Amy used to play a game when they were kids called ‘wahwad’ which is a way of pronouncing Who And How Will ( they ) Die? where they’d sit and people watch and try and guess how they’ll die or how they would kill them if they could. Rat would try and see how many drugs ___ he could do before he would feel himself slipping off, and Amy would watch him and he’d do the same for her. Kind of a trust exercise. All that being said, Rat doesn’t take other’s death seriously. He thinks people’s lives are a joke, that people are just there for him to mess with and pick apart. There’s no value to other’s life in Rat’s mind, they forfeited that when he saw how nasty they can be at any given moment. Other people’s deaths aren’t on his mind. He’ll keep people around as long as is convenient for him. I wanted a scene or two of a few victims Rat doesn’t kill right away who challenge his views, but I hate that it ends disappointingly with their logic not sinking in. I also wanted an extra pack member to be witness who WAS affected by the victim’s logic and Rat realizing their change of heart and cornering them with the rest of the pack and tearing them apart, mocking their empathy. Which leads me to... Empathy: Rat had heavy empathic feelings as a young pup, but it disintegrated as he became a teenager. Seeing the world for all it’s ugliness and until a certain age, he saw people as literal pigs ( he’s aware people don’t normally look like that because of TV and magazines ) but after they start looking like people, he secretly wonders if they really do look like pigs and which one is the facade and which is really how they look. That aside, he thinks compassion and empathy are weaknesses, which is why he loves insects, because he perceives them as living organisms with no empathy, same with reptiles. He thinks it perverts people’s abilities to make decisions and hinders them, as does morality. I wonder if even the reason he has hard anti-rape sentiments is because he’s a survivor, and it pains me to think he would have a different view if he wasn’t. All in all, Rat’s supposed to be an example of how someone can turn rotten over time. Rat’s definitely not someone to look up to, but he has good qualities if that makes sense. Rat’s story is supposed to be about a person who caves under the bad shit and turns it around and makes it power, but he does it in the worst way, hurting thousands along the way. He doesn’t care about anyone, but he’ll make you think he does so you can trust him. I wanted him to be a villain you love to hate and hate to love. I want him to make sense sometimes and nonsensical the next, that maybe your views align with his from time to time. As with all my OCs, making them as human as possible, even the monstrous ones, is very important to me, and given how vocal they are in my head, I consider them like room mates so it’s hard to translate that for people who don’t have them around. So if anyone has any questions about Rat or anyone else, feel free to ask them because I’d love to try and tackle it!

#oc: rat #long post #meta stuff #rape ment cw #drug ment cw