#also the twist tries to justify her dad's abuse of her like 'well obviously she's not REALLY his kid'

[my-thoughts-and-junk]

Anyway I think the twist being the main character was what they despised all along fucks actually

#random thoughts #specifically in sci fi #what does 'robots don't deserve rights because they aren't human' become when you discover you yourself are a robot #not specifically this trope but i was thinking about the 'the little girl was a robot this whole time' twist in dbh and how it sucked #which is mainly because the whole relationship between the girl and her robot guardian was so heartfelt #was BECAUSE the girl was human and the robot was a robot #a child choosing her wires and bolts nanny over her flesh and blood dad because only one of them was family to her #also the twist tries to justify her dad's abuse of her like 'well obviously she's not REALLY his kid' #'you have to think about what he's going through' yeah shut up #also the twist doesn't really work when robots are already basically identical to humans #you could take any character in that game and go 'they were secretly a robot' and yeah sure ig #there's nothing DISPROVING it #now fallout 4. is also bad but let me think about the fallout 4 in my brain 4 a sec #i love the idea of a synth main character who doesn't know she's a synth #especially if she's bffs with valentine like. the contrast #between flesh and blood and nuts and bolts #also the idea of ss being nick's main advocate for his personhood BEFORE realizing she's also a synth #nick 🤝 nora: is this trauma mine or does it belong to me version 1.0 #nora replaying that memory of when her husband got shot like 'was that when i was me or did that memory belong to the original nora' #'or was it even a memory at all??? was it planted by the institute???' #and like there is no way of confirming you're a synth except post mortem #so she just has to like connect all the dots herself with no actual physical confirmation of what she believes is true #the institute was destroyed. any paperwork documenting who she actually is is lost to time immemorial. #and shaun isn't above making synths of. i almost said dead people #god shaun is really dead isn't he. that little boy is a ghost. #anyway back to the original topic #best twist is when there's a visible distinction between humans and robots AND it's known in the narrative #that more sophisticated forms of bots are being tested but not yet produced on a global scale #also if the main character either lacks empathy for robots or whose relationship with a robot character isn't built on the idea of #'look at us transcending social norms by being a human and a robot and being friends'

[loudsuitlover]

Doctor Harry X. Corto

A/N: This is just for those who care about The Golden Girls’ story too :) Thank you to everyone who reads and for the feedback. I really appreciate it! 

J hangs the towel I let him on the line I set on my balcony. I set it myself because there’s something so comforting and relaxing for me about watching clothes hanging from the line. I think it reminds me of my Nana because she always seems to have something on the line. That’s crazy, really, because there was just my Nana and my Papa so it’s technically impossible that they had washing every day but that’s what I remember. It’s just costumbrist and I like it.

With his short blond hair still wet he takes a seat in front of Coco and me. He told us both the story between sobs and fits of crying on the way home. The bastard of David had dumped him forty minutes away by car from Grad because Jason told him he had gotten an acceptance letter from a hospital in New York. It’s for an internship in the summer, two months in New York learning Medicine. And the bastard, instead of being happy and proud, threw him out of the car. I’ve tried to keep it together and not tell him I’ve planned nine different ways of killing David and get away with it. He probably doesn’t need to hear that now. His green eyes are still bloodshot from all the crying but his breathing is back to normal. The warm shower did him good. He smiles when his eyes finally set on us.

“Thank you, guys, really. I don’t know what would have been of me without you girls.”

“Marie would have gone pick you up.” I tell him.

He smiles and nods but the smile doesn’t reach his eyes.

“How are you feeling?” Coco asks.

Jason gives her a look before he sighs and shrugs.

“Embarrassed.” He confesses. “And silly and humiliated.”

“What are you going to do now?”

“I’m going to break up with him, obviously.” He raises his eyebrows at my question. “I mean I’m not even sure we’re still together. I should have told him about the internship sooner.”

“What?” I can’t believe him. “That has nothing- absolutely nothing to do with what he did. What he did was wrong and he’s sick. I mean, even if you had told him something wrong, which you didn’t, but even if you had told him- I don’t know that you had cheated on him- it doesn’t justify that he fucking dumped you in the middle of the highway, J!”

“I know. I’m not saying that.”

“You’re justifying him! Again!”

“I’m not!” He yells.

I know Coco is uncomfortable by the way she’s sunk down on her chair but I don’t care. Jason needs to hear this.

“Yes, you are! You keep trying to turn him into this guy he’s not!”

“You don’t know him, Indie!”

“That’s right! He doesn’t let us! He keeps trying to take you away from us! I mean what kind of boyfriend doesn’t try to get involved into his partner’s life! He’s never even tried to talk to me.”

“Well he knows you have an opinion.”

“Of course I have an opinion! He’s a violent abuser!”

“He suffered a lot when he was a child! Do you know what it’s like to be abandoned by your dad? No, you don’t!” He cuts me off when I’m about to talk. “And he’s good, he just has a bad temper and anger issues but he’s trying to get better, okay?”

“Is he? Is he even going to therapy?”

“He doesn’t believe in therapy…”

I chuckle a mad laugh of crazy woman.

“That’s what they all say, J. Abusers justify their abuse with a dark past and they made you feel sorry for them so they can still hurt you over and over. He’s manipulating you, can’t you see it? You have to take that idea of your mind that you’re going to fix him because you won’t! He needs help, professional help, and you can’t give him that. I’ll tell you more, you’re perpetuating his toxic behaviour by allowing it.”

“That’s rich coming from you. You’re just projecting Javier on him, but David is not Javier, Indie.”

“Yes, he is! And I know because you’re doing all the things I used to do! Don’t you remember? You told me to break up with him a thousand times and I didn’t because I loved him and I also thought he was good deep down because he could be sweet too but that was only him being manipulative too… And I thought he would change for me too, that he loved me… But… It’s not your responsibility to try to help someone who keeps hurting you. Moreover, you can’t even do it. This is dangerous for you and for him.”

“Don’t even try to pretend like you care about him.”

“Of course I don’t. I care about you. And I’m not happy with what happened to you today, Jason” I start seeing him blurry until I can’t see him anymore and so I wipe my tears away with my hands. “But you need to break up with him, he’s no good for you or for anyone and he needs to get his shit together. What he did to you today was sick, J. You cannot forgive that.”

I feel his arms wrapping around me before I take my hands away from my eyes. And he rests his chin on top of my head like he had done so many times before. JJ’s always been there for me. He was there when Dylan died and he was there during his funeral and during all the months that follow that seemed to be my own slow, never-ending funeral; and then he was there for me every time Javier would do something twisted and when I left him too. I wrap my smaller arms around his broad back and rest my ear against where his heart is, feeling that old familiar heartbeat.

“I love you, Indie.”

“I love you too.”

“Aww.”

Jason laughs and tilts his neck to see a teary Coco. My sister is so emotional all the time, just like my Mum. I feel his chest rumbling when he laughs.

“Get in here, Coconut.”

She smashes her face against mine and from the corner of my eye I can see her smiling with her eyes closed. She loves a hug, too.

We hear my Mum’s laughter before we hear our friends coming. She walked with them towards my wing.

“Baby, the girls are here.” She says on the door. “Coco and I are going out but order something for dinner for you guys.”

It’s not strange for me that my mum speaks English to me. Usually we speak Spanish but she always says she remembers how she felt when her English wasn’t that good and she would hear my dad’s family speak English and laugh but wouldn’t understand much. She says she doesn’t want our friends to feel like that. 

“What time is it?”

I haven’t checked my phone all day.

“It’s 4 pm, honey.” She smiles. “Are you high?”

I roll my eyes at her and she giggles. She knows I’m not. Coco kisses Jason’s cheek before she gives a quick hug to Ollie and Marie and follow my mum outside.

“Hasta luego, Blue.” 

“Bye, doofus.” My sister grins as she leaves.

Despite being twenty years old, sometimes she acts like she’s twelve.  Marie and Ollie fight like a married couple about who locked the door when they went out before Ollie deploys an army of candy and junk food on the table. Jason looks at them amused.

“We brought the break up kit.” Olivia smiles.

“Because we’re breaking up with David Dick, aren’t we?”

My eyes widen at Marie and Olivia kicks her feet “discreetly”. Marie’s lips part and her eyes widen in horror of her realization too.

“Is that how you guys call him?” Jason tries to keep a straight face but the three of us see his hidden smile.

“You did say he had a big dick.” Ollie shrugs.

“And he’s a dick.” Marie adds.

Jason finally bursts out laughing. And the three of us join him before Olivia motions for us to hug him and the three of us surround him like he was an oak tree and we were trying to get positive energy.

Then the four of us sit on the table and eat chocolates and lollies without even realizing Jason and I haven’t even had lunch. Jason tells Ollie and Marie the full story and the two of them tell him David’s such a jerk and that not him neither anyone deserves that kind of treatment.

“Anyway what happened last night with Mario?” Jason asks Ollie.

I tilt my neck slowly so I’m facing my friend and she avoids my eyes looking down at the liquorice she’s eating. The last time we talked Mario was Mario who? and had clumsy hands. I suck my lips inside my mouth trying to hide my smile.

“So?”

“We didn’t have sex.” Ollie blushes.

“What?” The three of us ask in unison.

“It didn’t go well?” Jason asks.

“Wait, I need some context!”

“Right, you weren’t there.” Jason’s eyes widen.

“Mario came with Harry. Apparently they were together in O’Clock so when Harry said he was going Mario asked if he was going to see you and he said yes because apparently Harry’s got verbosity” Marie tells me and I chuckle. He really does sometimes. “And so he tagged alone in case you were with Ollie. Isn’t that romantic?” Marie looks at me like the heart eyed emoji and I smirk.

“But you were talking to that guy.” I interrupt.

“Well, we stopped talking.” She shrugs. “I don’t know what’s going on with your lips, Indie.” She points out all my hidden smiles. “But yeah then he came, we were drinking we danced, we kissed and I went home with him.”

Maybe he really does have clumsy hands and that’s why they didn’t have sex but then why is she leading him on?

“It didn’t go well after you left?”

“It was perfect.”

“Then?”

“It didn’t happen.” She shrugs.

There’s something going on with Mario for Ollie to act this way. I’ll ask Harry. Mario and Harry are friends and Harry’s nosy beyond believe. He’ll tell me.

“And you?” I ask Marie.

“What about me?”

“The redhead.” I smile.

“He burped.” She pouts as her eyebrows frown like Emile Clarke’s. 

We all burst into laughter but she keeps pouting despite her growing smile.

“And you can’t judge me because you dumped Álvaro for no reason and he was so cute.”

“And Spanish.” Olivia adds.

Jason celebrates Álvaro’s nationality too and I roll my eyes. I don’t care that he’s Spanish. I mean I like meeting Spanish people because they remind me of my mum’s heritage and I can speak Spanish to them but there’s nothing else you know about a person if you know they’re Spanish. I mean you know where they were born. That’s it. Then for what is worth, every person is their own person.

“But you left with Harry, didn’t you?” Olivia’s eyes widen.

“Wait were you with Harry when I called in the morning?”

I nod.

“Shit, dude, I’m sorry! I didn’t know. I thought you guys had cut things off.”

“Yes, but a leopard never changes its spots.” Olivia shrugs.

I roll my eyes. My eyes set on Marie and I can read her disapproving expression.

“He offered to drive to get you in the morning.” I defend him. “And he…” 

I was about to tell them about how he showered me with compliments but I decide that should stay between us. I don’t have to prove anything about him to Marie or to anyone else for that matter. 

“That was sweet of him.”

Thinking about Harry makes me think I haven’t checked my phone all day. Maybe I should call him? Let him know everything’s fine? But what am I thinking? That he’s going to be waiting for me to tell him about my adventures with The Golden Girls? I blush at the idea.

“You’re not falling for Harry, are you?”

“What?” I frown. “No! Of course not! He’s such an idiot!”

Because he is. Sometimes. When he guesses things about me assuming I’m a posh bitch or when he tells me I have many flaws or when he pulls away for no better reason after confusing me with affection. Plus, he’s said it himself; it’s just sex.

“If only you felt something for him…” Marie adds.

Her words shock me.

“What?”

“Well if you were dating maybe the rest of doctors wouldn’t look down on you as bad as they will when they know about you two.”

“They won’t know.”

“They will too.”

“Does Harry burp, Indie?” Jason changes the topic, God bless him, and the three of us chuckle.

“Not in front of me, no.”

“But anyway I didn’t know about this redhead, Marie.” Jason wiggles his eyebrows but she just rolls her eyes.

“There’s nothing to know, Jason.” She sighs and rests her chin on her hand. “I need love, not burps.”

“You need to stop thinking your prince will arrive on a white horse and fuck some guy so you’ll forget about it.” Olivia tells her.

I laugh at her cheekiness.

“What Olivia’s trying to say” I correct “is that being single is also fun. You don’t need to have a boyfriend, Marie; but maybe your obsession with finding love is overshadowing it?”

Maria shakes her head.

“No, it’s not that. I know I don’t need a man but I just… I want to be in love, you know? And I want someone to love me. I’m tired of being alone…”

I give her a sympathetic smile.

“Don’t lose hope, Marie Anne” Olivia wraps an arm around her shoulders and rest her cheek on top of her head “it’ll come.”

“Love?”

She looks up at Olivia, confused that our less romantic friend says that. To be honest, I’m confused too.

“No, sillyhead, mind-blowing sex.” The three of us laugh. “Like the one Indie has with Harry.”

I chuckle and roll my eyes. She’s such an idiot. I don’t know why I’m laughing.

“Did you know he’s from Bellamond?” I tell them.

The three of them look at me with wide eyes and I tell them the little I know about him. Jason hands me my phone over.

“Talking about the devil…” He smirks.

I’ve never replied faster to a text. 

Harry: How’s your friend?

Indie: A lot better, thank you.

“Look at that smile!” Jason teases and I swat him away playfully.

Indie: Thanks for asking.

Harry: No problem 😊 And you? How are you?

Indie: I’m good thanks

Harry: My blunt Indie

Indie: I’m not yours.

Harry: haha you’re so curt is even funny

Indie: I’m sorry I didn’t text you back before. I’ve been with my friends all day.

Harry: No problem.

Harry: What are you doing now?

Indie: We’re just hanging at my house

Harry: Would you like to have a drink?

Indie: All of us?

Harry: I mean it’s you I want to see but they can come too

“Aw, he’s adorable!”

When I lift my head from my phone, I see my three friends are behind me reading my texts. I blush and bring my phone to my chest covering the screen.

“Guys, you’re the worst!”

Jason stands up and walks towards my room. He comes back with his shoes on his hands.

“Tell him we’re coming and ask him for the location.”

“Yay!” Marie throws her head back. “Indie, do you have lipstick?”

“But you bite your lips a lot and stain your teeth!” Olivia reminds her.

“But what if Harry has a cute friend? Or what if the waiter is cute?”

Jason rolls his eyes and Olivia and Marie disappear on my bathroom in the search for my lipsticks.

“Are you sure you want to go?” I ask him.

“Damn right.” Jason smiles. “It’d only do me good.” He shrugs. “Plus we can’t leave your man like that.”

“Harry’s not my man.”

“Whatever.” He chuckles.

Indie: Where are you?

Harry: Cahoot

The pub is dark like the ones Jason likes and there’s quite a lot of people inside but it’s not suffocating. I spot Harry straight away. He’s leaning his elbow on the bar and is talking to Mario who gives us his back. I look at Ollie and find her talking to Marie and doing a scan of the bar, surely looking for possible prince charming for the brunette.

I wonder how I’m going to greet Harry. Should I give him a hug? Or a kiss? Or shake hands? His grin widens when he sees me as I reach him in the bar.

“Hello, Indie.”

I smile back. Okay so no hug, no kiss, no handshake.

“Hi there, Indie!” Mario seems happier to see me than Harry himself.

“Hi, Mario. How are you?”

“I’m good, good.” He smiles. “How are you?”

“I’m good too. Are you guys alone?”

Jason greets them both and so do Marie and Ollie. I notice the way Mario’s hand rests on Ollie’s lower back as he presses a kiss on her cheek but my friend looks away.

“No.” Mario shakes his head. “We’re on that table there. There’s a bunch of people from the hospital. You might know some of them.”

My eyes widen as I look at Harry. He knows I don’t want people to know we’re sleeping together in Uni but he just shakes his head and frowns as if dismissing Mario’s words. The Golden Girls order our drinks before we join them on the booths they have taken on a corner of the pub.

Harry’s got an empty spot beside him and I wonder whether he did that on purpose or whether it just was there because after his greeting I doubt he even wants to sit down next to me. I also notice, even from afar, the beautiful blonde sitting next to him. She’s everything I’m not. She’s thin, like, extremely thin actually, and her skin is paler than mine. She’s blonde but her hairstyle reminds me of my own, she has long opened bangs that skim her cheekbones just like me and her face is just perfect. Yeah, that’s the way to describe her, perfect. Her lips are full and pink and her nose is small and delicate and her eyes are olive green.

Olivia motions to Marie for her to sit down next to Mario so she doesn’t have to but Marie refuses to and even though I don’t agree with whatever the hell it is she’s doing with him, I take that seat before they give a scene- and so I don’t have to sit down next to Harry too. I see him frown from the corner of my eye.

“Hello, I’m Rose.” She’s nice too.

“I’m Indie.” I tell her.

“Indie?” Her green eyes widen. “Where does it come from?”

“It’s… It’s a colour.” My face contorts in embarrassment. “My name’s Indigo Blue. And it’s my mum’s favourite colour. She’s a painter.”

“Wow!” Rose smiles. “That’s so cool.”

From the corner of my eye I see Harry smiling next to her. Olivia sat down next to Harry eventually but he isn’t paying any attention to her and he must be the first man to ever do that. Instead, his eyes are on me the entirety of the night.

We all talk about music and Mario seems interested in Extremoduro. I tell him about them and about my favourite Spanish artists and he asks me stuff and even gets his phone out to type down the songs I tell him. See? He’s such a nice guy. I widen my eyes at Olivia and point at him every time he says something cute but she just gives me warning looks and cuts the air in front of her throat threatening to kill me.

Marie wants to dance and she takes Ollie with her who’s dying to get out of the table anyway. Jason’s been chatting to another two guys about God knows what and Harry’s been mostly quiet even though as nosy as he is I suspect he’s been eavesdropping every conversation on the table. Rose’s chatted to him some too but she’s also been talking to another girl who’s sitting in front of me. I think her name is Cris.

My eyes meet Harry’s but I quickly look away and turn to Mario yet his brown eyes are set on Olivia as she dances. I look at my friends too before I give him a sympathetic smile.

“Olivia is…” I start.

“Incredible.” He cuts me off.

I smile. Yeah, that too. But I wasn’t going to say that.

“Where did you go when you guys had dinner?”

That seems like a good way to start coming around it. I normally wouldn’t be so meddling but alcohol removes my inhibitions like autumn takes the leaves of a tree. I rest my elbow on the table and then my cheek on my hand so I stop taking glances at Harry from the corner of my eye.

“We went to this Indian restaurant she suggested...” His brown eyes narrow as he thinks about the name. 

My blood freezes on my veins.

“The Siddharta?” I fear.

“Yeah!” He smiles. “That’s the one.”

“Oh.”

“You know it too?” He chuckles. “She seems to go there so much even the waiter knew her.”

“Jack?” I can’t believe her.

“Yes.” He looks at me as if we were very strange people. “You guys love Indian food, don’t you?”

“Yes, we do.” I try to hide how angry I am. “I’m gonna order another drink, you want one?”

“I’m fine, thank you. Do you want me to go with you?”

Stop being such a good guy! Olivia’s gonna hear me.

“No, that’s fine. Thanks.” I give him a smile.

I need another drink. Especially because I need to calm down before I yell at Olivia. I don’t know why it bothers me so much that he’s using Mario like that. Well, yes I know; because that’s not what you do to people and I don’t want my friends to be terrible people. My frown feels heavy as I wait for my Bulldog gin and tonic.

“That was an interesting seat choice.”

Harry’s voice makes my belly flip. I swallow at his proximity.

“Your greeting choice was also interesting.”

I shut my eyes internally but on the outside I just look away from him. Why am I such a bigmouth when I drink? When I look back at him, he’s grinning. He presses his body against mine and corners me against the bar.

“Did my girl want a especial greeting?”

“I’m not your girl.” I frown.

“Then why do you want a special greeting?” He’s still grinning.

“Because… Well, because, you said you wanted to see me so…”

“So?” I want to slap that stupid grin out of his face.

“So I was expecting…” I bring my hand to my forehead but mostly to protect my face from his because I’m desperate to kiss him. “Actually, I don’t know what I was expecting.”

“Well” He tacks a strand of hair behind my ear “I, on the other hand, can tell you I was expecting you to sit next to me.”

“You seemed busy.” I look away again.

What am I doing? I can’t be jealous. Wait, am I jealous? What the hell am I doing? I need to get out of here.

“I gotta go.”

But his fingers lift my chin and his lips press against mine. I drink from his mouth contently and my breath catches on my throat when I feel his tongue parting my lips. His hands snake around my waist and he pulls my body to him as we kiss and my hands find the back of his neck.

“Hello, baby.” He smiles against my lips.

He’s intoxicating.

“Hello.”

“You said you didn’t want people from the hospital to know.” He shrugs. “That’s why I didn’t kiss you.”

“No, yeah, you’re right. I am just drunk.”

I don’t know why I said that. I don’t mean that. I wanted that kiss and I would kiss him again, drunk or not. But I don’t want things between us to get… complicated.

“As lovely as usual.”

“I need to talk to Olivia.”

“Fine.”

He moves aside so I can walk away from him and towards my friends, already angry and anxious. When I reach them, they’re both dancing to some lame background song and of course they’re the centre of attention of a group of guys.

“Olivia” I grab her elbow and push her even farther away from Harry’s friends “why did you go to The Siddharta with Mario?”

Her pink cheeks confirm my suspicion. From the corner of my eyes, I can see Marie’s lips parting as she stares at Olivia too. I let her talk even though I know the answer. 

“It’s a good restaurant.”

“You don’t like Indian food.”

“I thought he might like it..”

“You went there to get Jack jealous?” She swallows and looks away from me. “Olivia! It’s been a year!”

“I saw him the other night.” She explains. “I… He was with her and they went to my dad’s jeweller’s. He did that on purpose.”

“And you played his game?”

“What did you want me to do, Indie? I just wanted to get back to him! And I was going to go out with Mario anyway. The only thing that changed was the place.” She shrugs.

“Is that why you keep leading him on? You said he had clumsy hands and that you didn’t like him and you went home with him last night. Do you just want him there so you can get your ex jealous?”

“Indie, this is none of your business.” She looks away from me but her lips are set on a thin line.

“Well someone has to tell you you’re acting like a bitch.”

“What? I’ve had enough, Indigo. Go fuck yourself or better be the canned vagina you are these days.”

Her words freeze me to the spot and I feel a hurricane unleashing on my chest until it reaches my throat. I can’t believe she just said that. She’s been doing this fuck-and-leave thing for a year now and not even once I’ve judged her and now she throws this at my face? Is that what she really thinks of me? Is that what Harry thinks too? Is that even what I am?

I walk away before she sees me crying, I won’t give her the satisfaction and I don’t stop walking until I’ve turn the corner. I left my jacket inside and it’s rather cold now but I’ll text Marie to grab it for me. 

I’ve never been punched on the throat but I reckon this is how it must feel like. It’s hard to breathe and I feel betrayed, beaten and dirty. I walk home. My tears keep rolling freely down my cheeks while my mind goes into a frenzy. 

Jason’s words resound in my mind “you’re not falling for Harry, are you?” No, of course, I’m not. We have nothing in common, other than Medicine, but that’s in no way reason enough and he’s nothing like what I... I’m not looking for that. Now or ever. 

And then it hits me why it bothered me to see him with that Rose girl. It wasn’t jealousy, it was just the fact that I’m not ready to be a canned vagine. I mean I thought I didn’t care at all that he would be with other girls and I don’t think I do but for him to be with other women and for me to see that are two different things. The fact that he called me and told me to come over even if he didn’t event plan on kissing me, then why the hell did he call me if he was with other girl? 

The thought that he might have wanted a threesome with Rose and me flahes through my mind like a falling star. He’s clearly into sex in a way I might not be ready for. He probably has done it before too and maybe that’s what he wants from me now. 

My head aches too and I feel it dull and full and suddenly I feel so tired and cold and I just want to cover my head with my blanket and cry myself to sleep. 

That’s what I do.

#Harry Styles #harry styles fanfic #harry styles fanfiction #harry styles fiction #harry styels fic #harry styles au #harry styles alternative universe #harry styles imagine #harry styles imagines #harry styles writing #harry styles love #harry styles love story #harry styles stories #harry styles fluff #harry styles angst #harry styles smut #harry styles fans #harry styles news #harry styles daily #harry styles lovers #harry styles lover #harry styles new #harry styles reader #harry styles one shot #harry styles blurb #harry styles prompt #hs #hsnews #harries

[sweetredcherryblossomtree]

Snowsnowsnow. An incredibly long overdue post/maybe essay that I’m going to try and not delete. 

Snow, thank you for giving me three days off because I am absolutely calling out of work tomorrow.

My mind has been everywhere. It’s been giving me a headache. For a while, I was having doubts about what I’ve been planning. Mostly just intrusive thoughts but also I can overthink. But after a few conversations with loving people, my mind is more at ease now. What I’m doing is selfish but I deserve it. It is fine. It is alright. It is human to want things and to go for them. I have to keep reminding myself that I am allowed to do things that will make me happy and that are good for me. 

Things don’t last forever. Relationships with other people don’t last forever. But I am with myself forever. I’m lucky in comparison to so many people. I have depression but at the same time, I have a great relationship with myself. I am happy with who I am and who I want to be. I rarely think awful things about myself. I know I’m not stupid. I can be ignorant but I’m pretty good with cutting myself slack as long as I educate myself after. The only thing I’m upset with myself for is how badly my social anxiety affects me. 

The semester before I graduated high school, I experienced more freedom than what I had been used to. My dad wasn’t home as much so he couldn’t keep control of what we did. I think my mom took pity on me because I had been so depressed and heartbroken.  I had really great friends and my mom let me spend a lot of time with them. it was probably the best thing that could have been done for me. I remember New Years, I was allowed to spend the night at a friend’s! I was never allowed to sleep over anywhere but my mom trusted the parents. Everyone was “roasting” each other for their personality flaws. Not in a mean way or anything. I begged them to tell me what my flaw was and after some consideration, one of them just said

“You’re too nice.”

“...That’s it?”

“Yeah, you are just really nice.” And everyone nodded in agreement.

And that moment resonates with me. 

*****I want to preface this with: I am not a nice person. I am not a mean person. I am a person.

I have lots of flaws. Being nice is a performance I have to go through to ensure I can somewhat survive socially. If I have ever said anything that generally is not “nice” to you, if I ever revealed a judgmental thought that I had (there are plenty), if I ever had an attitude with you and didn’t try to hide it, etc., then congratulations. I absolutely trust you and see you as a close friend. 

Nice can be used to describe me but it isn’t who I am as a person because I think plenty of not nice things. I do and say very not nice things sometimes. I am working on it, because I want to be a better person but just know that in general, I’m just a person who is nice to avoid conflict.******

Even though I have really bad social anxiety, it’s pretty hard to tell if you see me at work. Every day, I’m complimented on how nice I am. How I’m the nicest person they’ve encountered that day. I have customers who adore me and it’s made the experience so much easier than when I first started last year. A few weeks ago, a lady came in and after helping her out, she told me that I have such a peaceful and calm presence. She said she felt at such ease with me and that was rare for her to feel and to never change. I’m not going to lie, that made me feel really great about myself and it still does. 

Up until recently, I hadn’t understood why it was so bad to be so nice. I can’t help being nice. It’s not like it’s some switch I can turn on and off. I think it’s part of my social anxiety. If I’m nice, people can’t hate me and that has been programmed into me since I was a child. My niceness has worked in my favor  except in cases of men and that is where an issue has started to develop. 

I could handle the weird and creepy boys in high school and college. I could be nice to them but as long as I kept my distance, I was always fine. I was fortunate that the ones who did try to get closer to me stopped after I made very obvious hints. I’m ashamed to admit it, but I ghosted a lot of guys in college after realizing I wanted nothing to do with them. Like the guy who kept a newt under his dorm bed, poked her with a plastic fork, and then kept saying how much I looked like Lilo from Lilo and Stitch (a movie he was obsessed with). 

But I’m having an issue with adult men. Men who have stalked me at work. Men who took my trust and tried to twist it. Men that my coworkers recognize and when they see them coming into the store, I’m the first one alerted so that I can go into the stockroom until given the all clear. This isn’t an every day thing fortunately, but it’s bothersome nonetheless. 

A little over a month ago, I was groped on the sales floor by an older man who was a regular customer of mine. I was too in shock to really say or do anything at the time. It was too busy, his daughter and granddaughter were there. I wasn’t even sure if it had really happened. 

He asked for a hug and because I am “nice”, I reluctantly gave one to him. It was a half hug because that’s all I’m comfortable with when it comes to most people. As he let go of me, his hands slipped downward and I felt him..cupping me. It was a very quick moment, I wasn’t sure what had happened at first, just that I felt very weird and uncomfortable. After I checked him out, he slid a ten dollar bill to me and walked away quickly before I could even say anything. 

I haven’t seen him since, and I’m very okay with that. But every weekend when I’m working alone, I’m scared. I’m scared that he’ll come back when it’s busy and I’m on the floor alone. I’m scared that the other man who has a violent criminal record will come and demand to know why I blocked his number. I’m scared of the man who likes to hold my hand for too long when asking for a handshake as he looks me up and down. 

Before this incident, the only people who have ever touched my body without my consent were boyfriends. I don’t even know the name of the man who touched me. All I know is that he is a veteran and likes to buy gifts for his daughter and her kids. I didn’t think I’d be too affected by it and I guess in a way, I’m not. But it obviously does affect me if I still continue to think about it. 

I know it’s more than just me being “too nice.” It’s about how men easily prey on women like me who are nice, especially when it’s our job to be nice. Like, I’m at work. I can’t leave the situation or cause a huge commotion. I could, but they would know where to find me again. 

And this goes for all the shitty relationships I let myself go through. That deserves a post all on its own. It’s taken me years to come to this conclusion, but every single relationship that I had in high school was very unhealthy and at least one was touching the line of being abusive. I spent most of my high school years being emotionally manipulated by three different guys. I don’t think they even realized what they were doing at the time but I’m still affected by it years later.  

Do you know what is worse? I think that is a common experience for tons of teenage girls. I didn’t realize that I was being manipulated. I didn’t know any better. I thought these relationships were the real deal and would last forever but I had to do everything I could to keep them around or something must have been wrong with me. 

There are so many times with one particular ex, where I’d go home and try not to cry about what had happened because I didn’t want to say no. I wanted him to be pleased with me and to not leave me again. This relationship absolutely fucked with me and the sense of control I wish I knew I had over my own body. It’s been over six years. I can still remember the physical pain I was put through because he was so fucking rough and never took a moment to consider what I was going through. I’m not even talking about actual intercourse. We never had sex. But I was too afraid to let him know I was in pain because I didn’t want to be broken up with, again. He had me do so many things that I never ever wanted to do and still hate doing to this very day. And that doesn’t even begin with how badly he emotionally manipulated me. He messed with my feelings and emotions well into my first year of college because I was stupid enough to follow him there.  And we weren’t even dating anymore. His friendship alone fucked with me as well. 

College was so different though. In such a good way. Imagine my surprise when for the first time ever, I was asked “Is this okay?” and “Is this fine?” or “Are you okay with doing this?”

Blew my fucking mind. 

The people I’ve dated after high school are in general just better people. People who have for the most part, respected my opinion, my body, and boundaries. 

I’m still flawed though. I still struggle a lot with full consent and active vocalization. I let so much slide. However, it’s been building up in me and every time something happens, I get a little bit angrier on the inside. Angry at myself for letting it happen. Angry at the person for not understanding why I’m upset though it’s my fault because I still can’t get around to saying it so how would they know why I’m upset? And it absolutely is no where near as bad as it was in high school. Not even close. But that doesn’t give me a reason to justify it.I want it to stop completely and if I can’t get it to stop in this relationship then I swear to myself that in my next relationship that I WILL DO BETTER. For myself. Gone will be the days where I just let things go because it’s “no big deal.” 

I think I’m just venting about all of this because today I did say “No.” And I said it very sternly and it was obvious that I was highly annoyed. BUT I WASN’T TAKEN SERIOUSLY. At least not until I had to shove his hands away from me because I was so angry. If you hear someone say no to anything that you are doing, you should absolutely stop. Even if it isn’t sexual. Even if you are just teasing or messing with someone. You better fucking stop. And maybe it’s because I never let my no’s stand their ground in the past, maybe it’s because I usually just let so much go, but now, I’m a different person and I am so done with unwanted touching. 

But I am so mad that my NO wasn’t taken seriously. I am so mad that he didn’t stop until I had to resort to something physical. I am so mad that this has become a problem and has been a problem that I’ve ignored until now. 

Is my boyfriend a bad person? No. He is not. 

Does my boyfriend ask for consent for most things like sex? Yes, absolutely.

But it seems like my body has an open invitation for being groped lately, and I’m finally fed up with it. 

[vitos-ordination-song]

over the years I’ve tried writing journals and I’ve tried writing down memories and I usually fail at both. journaling because I feel pressure to write regularly and have ended up throwing out my journal in embarrassment, and memories because I always end up trying to write everything, from the beginning. I always feel like I’m distoring things and leaving things out. however I’d really like to have some kind of journal/place I write down memories for future reference so I’m starting that on here, just for whenever I feel like it, and tagging so I can find it in the future.

rn I want to tell the story of how I ended up in the mental hospital because I’ve been thinking about it. there’s a lot of lead up and a lot of stuff that happened afterwards so it’s gonna be a long story. for this part I’m just going to cover the build up. 

once I turned around 16, things started to calm down in my family. my brother started going to college--he was still living at home but he started to act a bit less toxic. my family was always worse with all six of us feeding each other’s shittiness so one person improving/leaving usually made things better. my mom was starting to chill out around that time as well, probably a combination of her working on herself, going through menopause, and having less stress on her because her kids were getting old enough to take care of themselves. I think I started to make better grades after 10th grade too, so I wasn’t getting abused for that as much. 

as a result, things were nowhere near as bad when I was 16-18 as they were from like, 14-16. bad things still happened, occasionally REALLY bad things, but less frequently and generally with less severity than before. so I started to think, maybe things are okay. maybe everything can just be normal. 

my sister was the biggest cause of conflict during this time. when she’d been younger, the whole family had routinely bullied her and she had severe trauma from before we adopted her, but she wasn’t a troublemaker like the rest of us. she barely got punished. she struggled in school but no one expected her to make good grades. she wasn’t that difficult to parent, if I remember correctly. 

but around the time she hit puberty, things started to change. I think for a lot of people, trauma comes back up at that time. she was getting angry about how our parents treated her, especially making her do chores, which the rest of us barely resisted. she started to get violent. she was always angry. my mom has called the cops on her at least three times, as far as I know. 

I wasn’t a perfect sister by any imagination. I know I joined in the family’s abuse of her--I even remember physically attacking her with a broom handle, which I twisted to be a form of “discipline.” I was always very confused over what was happening, though. I remember when I reached the age of around 12, I started to question the way the whole family would attack her, whether treating her as a nusance or insulting her intelligence. and I had a very strong sense that the way my parents treated me and my siblings was wrong. I was always paying attention to power dynamics in the family and knew when my parents were mistreating her--I didn’t buy their justifications. 

things had been pretty calm for a while after I graduated high school, though. before I turned 18, I have a vivid memory of mom getting mad at me and scaring the shit out of me, threatening to kick me out. but that summer was mostly calm. people were getting along. except my sister. she had a freak out at her birthday dinner--she was mad that mom refused to get her presents as a punishment and also had an anxiety attack about being in public at a restaurant, which of course my mom went after her for. 

but still, I was thinking, okay. this can all go away. I’m about to leave for college, I’m moving over 50 miles away. I still couldn’t hold on to a clear picture of my family--when things were bad, I was angry and hateful, when things were good, I thought the problem was me. I didn’t know what was real, but since things were generally good, it was all going under the surface again. 

two weeks before I left for college, something huge happened. my sister was mad at my parents, who were sitting in the living room discussing her like she didn’t exist. she got out a big knife. she went and stood at the entrance to the living room, an eerie smile on her face. I went downstairs at this point. later I would realize how to deal with her when she got like that--you have to defuse her. she’s not serious. if you laugh it off she’ll stop. but at the time I didn’t know what to do. I hoped my parents would ignore her or she’d give up before they noticed she was there--she stood there for five minutes before they noticed.

I only heard what happened and had to learn about it afterwards. my parents saw my sister; my mom grabbed a belt and my dad started to push her into the kitchen. my sister threatened to kill them and then she threatened to kill herself, turning the knife to her arm. my dad violently grabbed the arm and shoved her against the desk. my mom started to beat her with the belt. my sister got away, and my mom called the cops on her. 

I didn’t know what had happened. all I heard was screaming. my brothers had heard as well and had come out of their rooms and did see it. they were screaming too. 

my sister had run outside and I followed after her. I know my parents came out and my mom told me to come back, but I screamed something at her--not sure what, but something approximating fuck you. at this point I didn’t know what my sister had done with the knife, which later my parents used to justify everything. I was made to feel foolish for my reaction and I’m still kinda unpacking that. 

my sister was in hysterics when I found her. I don’t really remember what she said but she was repeating herself. she was so scared. she sobbed into my chest and I held her as a bunch of cop cars pulled up to our house. 

nothing happened to my sister because she hadn’t done any violence, my parents had. CPS was called and visited sometime in the next few days. my sister is a pathological liar though so it went nowhere. at the time I felt a weird sense like, maybe they’ll finally be held accountable and maybe someone will save us from this situation. every time that didn’t happen it felt more like the problem was in my head. 

but something amazing was about to happen--I was about to get away. for the first time in my life, I wasn’t living with my family. my first semester of college was strange. I felt fine. I wasn’t upset, I was productive. I wasn’t like how I was in high school. again it felt like maybe everything would just go away. but I could process on my own. I could think my thoughts about my family without being around them, and that had always been the hardest part, to think about all the bad things when we were just hanging out watching a movie or eating dinner. 

thinking back now I was in a kinda stasis. I wasn’t ready to process trauma yet except through a medium. over the summer I’d gotten obsessed with Harry Potter and ended up reading tons of stories about abuse and him getting removed from his abusive environment. it was a marked shift from the kind of thing I’d been reading before, which had been a lot of abuse romance. but everything that had happened to me felt kind of distant. 

being away was good though. I could think from my own point of view instead of being forced to see things the way my family did. and that huge incident with my sister, with CPS getting called, had brought things up. it was making it harder to go, everything’s fine with this family. I was angry on some level. I wasn’t going to let it go. I remember having a very invalidating phone call with my brother where he went after me for criticizing our parents, acting like I was melodramatic, and that’s always affected me, but I was also annoyed. and I could just end the call and go back to my own thoughts without their influence being so intrusive. 

then Thanksgiving rolled around. home for a week. and I was acutely paying attention to how my mom treated my sister. she never liked me challenging her parenting and had always gone after me for it, but I was tired of it and reaching a point where I was more sure of myself after having been away from her. I was angry. I think I wanted a fight on some level, but I wasn’t ready for it. 

my mom started to attack my sister for watching porn. my sister was stuck in the kitchen, my mom wouldn’t let her leave. it went on for at least 45 minutes, and I remember because I was watching the time. I was just sitting there listening. I knew how bad this was because similar things had happened to all my siblings as we sexually developed and it fucked with our heads. obviously porn and teens watching porn is not an easy subject, but the way my mom approached it was all about shaming. 

eventually my mom said a couple things that set me off. she said that Jesus was watching my sister as she watched porn and he was disappointed in her, and then she said something awful. she said that women in porn are victims of sexual abuse, like my sister, so by watching it she was betraying them. I couldn’t take it anymore so I started to counter what mom said. she got extremely mad, saying stuff like “how DARE you question my parenting IN MY OWN HOME???”

we got into a super bad fight and eventually I ran off to my room. we didn’t talk for the next few days and awkwardly “made up” before I left--basically we talked to each other. our family never resolves anything so all the tension was just left under the surface.

that tension would return at Christmas break when I challenged her parenting a couple times over how she treated my sister. I don’t even remember what it was about at this point, but it started to build up. I spent almost a week refusing to leave my room. 

honestly during this time and Thanksgiving break I was just miserable. I was angry but I was also scared and confused and conflicted. having my mom mad at me has always been one of the worst feelings in the world. it made me want to be dead. I was avoiding her and not leaving my room because the way she’d look at me would make me feel like dirt. the things she’d do--leave the room when I entered it, act like I wasn’t in the room at other times, slam things, move in a clipped, tense way--made me feel like she hated me more than anything in the world. 

I stayed in my room for her birthday celebration. I remember my brother coming down and calling me a coward for it. my dad texted me to get me to come upstairs. but I didn’t. 

I know my other brother was more sympathetic to me than he’d been on the phone earlier that semester. he would take me out in the car and we’d talk about how horrible our parents were for hours. that was comforting and it was feeding my anger. 

my memories for this section of time are confused. I know at some point my mom came down in my room to “talk.” she had this attitude that she wanted to listen and make things right, but she was defensive to the point of offensiveness. the anger was barely concealed. 

this break was the only time I’ve tried to really confront her about her behavior. earlier this year I confronted my dad but when she got home, that was all over because she was the same way. my dad just listened when I talked to him but apparently he’s totally rejected everything I said so that was a waste of time as well.

during that first conversation, I started bringing up past behavior. there’s about three things that happened that I remember. firstly I brought up a real, substantial instance of abuse, but it was a singular case, so she could deny it. I have a vivid memory of being in the car with the whole family going to get Sheridans--I can even tell you the exact location where it was in Atlanta. the family was tense because my brother was a permit driver and it was his first time driving the whole family. I must have been about 13 in that case. my dad was in the passenger seat, and me and my other brother were in the buckets. normally my mom would be in the front but she was in the back with my sister. 

we were supposed to keep quiet because my brother was driving. I remember I got yelled at for talking twice, but my mom was whispering to my sister too. so I said one more thing to my other brother and my mom kicked me in the face. she was wearing heavy shoes, possibly high heels, and it really hurt. I remember it was on the way back and I didn’t even feel like eating my ice cream. everyone else got out of the car when we got home and I just stayed in crying. what really struck me was that my mom just kept talking to my sister like nothing happened and no one acknowledged it.

but years later, my mom denied it. I was making it up. I was lying or crazy. (my parents do this with any isolated instance of abuse.)

next I tried something more recent that had happened multiple times to multiple siblings. my mom would do this thing where she’d get in your face, screaming at you, and shove you into a wall. she’d put her fingers around your throat and squeeze. she’s always had long nails so she’d dig them into your throat. I remember her doing this to me once but to my brother multiple times. even at 15 he was way taller than her, this big black boy, and there he was sobbing being abused by this grown white woman.

my mom rejected this first because I said she choked us. that wasn’t choking, she said. I said FINE, but it’s still wrong. she said that’s just the way she parents--her kids need to be afraid of her. 

next I said that she would make us feel like garbage with her words. I brought up times when she told me that I would never succeed in life and basically implied I was unlovable. she just looked at me like she was shocked and betrayed and said I had “unrealistic expectations for relationships” and expected her to be a perfect mother. 

so that conversation went nowhere. later on me and my brother brought things up to her and dad, and they just listened. I don’t know how this affected their thinking but I’ll try to describe what I think happened later on. 

things were at a stalemate of sorts. we were kind of acting normal but my mom started to build her defenses. I know she was bad mouthing me to the rest of the family, a smear campaign. she’s good at them. I remember ending up going out with the ostensibly supportive brother and he told me maybe I was just lying or crazy. I had no one on my side. 

then something really bad happened. my sister has always been back and forth due to splitting, so sometimes she wants to bad mouth our parents and sometimes she doesn’t. I did my own attempt at controlling the narrative when we were home alone. my sister was mad about having to sweep I think, so I started unloading all my anger and she unloaded as well. and we didn’t realize my mom had gotten home and was listening silently downstairs. 

shit really hit the fan after that. we were back to not being on speaking terms. my mom really doubled down on telling everyone I was the bad one, I was the problem. my whole family wasn’t talking to me. eventually my sister was on my mom’s side and she was in a gloating mood. she told me mom said I was working for the devil to destroy our family, along with other things. to this day I’m not sure how much of it was true (my mom denies she said that), but I knew she was acting like I was ruining the family and it was a last straw for me. I was done.

I really really wanted to commit suicide. I’d been suicidal for years and I’d stopped myself by telling myself I couldn’t because of my family. well clearly my family didn’t need or want me. it was a spiteful thing for sure, but I was having a full on mental break down. my first thought was pills but my sister saw me getting them out. I felt childish and silly and just went outside. 

my brother found out I was having a breakdown and took me to Stake and Shake, but we never got any food. he was hearing I was suicidal and said I needed to go to a mental hospital. I didn’t know what to think. he’d been years ago and it hadn’t seemed to do him any good, but I just wanted to get away.

I went to the hospital with my mom and brother. when I got there I knew I wanted to leave. I could feel they were going to lock me up. I could feel the way I was seen as the crazy one, the one with the problem, not the people in the room with me. I couldn’t say anything about my situation because my mom was right there. the intake person was distant and professional. I started to sob. I said I don’t want to go, I don’t want to go, I don’t want to go, over and over again. people were taken aback. now I was really seen as crazy. 

I couldn’t stop crying. “I don’t like being told what to do!” I said through gritted teeth, crying having turned angry. my mom said she knew. 

eventually everyone’s “good intentions” for crazy little me pressured me into signing a consent form. I was taken down the hall sobbing hysterically. I was strip searched and on my period which was one of the most terrifying and humiliating experiences of my entire life. then I was put on suicide watch and sat in the corner of the hospital common area, sobbing, too scared to look up at the other patients. 

#journal

[cherricreates]

Day Nine: Family Portrait

First time making a gif using Gimp! Really happy on how this turned out. Everything will be explained, if you want to read an essay. (This ended up being a vent to be honest lol).

But yes, this is my ‘family portrait’. 

TL;DR: I basically spill everything about my relationships with my family (which was shitty), what happened the night I moved out, the next day, and what is happening now.

I’m not comfortable with my family at all. 

here was a twisted hierarchy that went from my mom, my dad and my sister’s son, my two other siblings, and all the way at the bottom is me. If you guys read day 7, you would know how my mom is abusive and emotionally demanding and such. Well, she also manipulates everyone to side against her and to not giving me a chance to explain myself. In the end, she’s always right and I’m just trash. She treated me like this to the point I wished I was adopted so I can justify WHY she was treating me like this. My dad is a different story. He’s a cool and awesome dude. The problem I have with him is how he constantly works and is never home. Due to this, I am always home alone, or with my mom. I can’t really blame him; he’s a workaholic like that. However, he knew the relationship between my mom and I is strained. Yet, he won’t protect me. He protects her obviously, but when I get my “punishment”, he is never present. He flat out ignores what’s happening. My big bro and sis are the “pawns” so to speak. My brother is more distant about this situation, and my sister is too busy with her own child.

 After I moved into my boyfriend’s place, that same night, my dad came and asked why I was there. I explained the situation to him with my boyfriend and his mother in the background. However, my mom came out of the car and went over to us. She started acting like a mother. Hugging me and saying how worried she is. However, the more she acted like this, the more scared I got. I never felt so scared for my life before this event. I kept thinking, “Oh no, what is she going to do to me?” You see, whenever she acts like this in public, that means I’m going to get beat. Hard. Slaps and punches everywhere, with “stupid”, “witch”, “retard”, and, my favorite, “You are not my child” scattered profusely. She then tells me not to cry since I’m simply overreacting. Worse thing is, my dad would just be outside the area letting this all happen. I am a 19 year old. This happened to me for 13 years. Now where were my sister and brother during this? They were in the Philippines, cause they didn’t have their papers to come here yet. Anyway, back to the story. My boyfriend brought my mom away from me while my father and I talked and then they went home. THE NEXT DAY WAS WORSE! MY DAD CAME TO MY HIGH SCHOOL TO BRING ME ‘HOME’. My boyfriend held my hand the entire time cause I was VISIBLY PANICKING. We told my counselor everything, my bf’s mom came in to talk some sense into my dad, the police were involved. It was not fun. My dad brought me and my boyfriend to their house, my mom and I “talked” and I left. Later that day was the art festival my school held. I was part of the senior exhibit, now the AP Art exhibit. After the emotional roller coaster i went through, I was tired and worried how I looked since I cried earlier that day. I was enjoying the feedback I got from my artwork and having fun, but then they came. I told them to look around and see the artwork. What I didn’t ask for was for my mom to go behind my table where I was and started guilt tripping me. (I remember this moment so vividly my anxiety started to act up while typing this omg). I kept trying to tell her to leave me alone but in a nicer way, but she kept talking. The people going to my table gave me compliments but they were overshadowed by my mom’s presence. My boyfriend had to come to the rescue (again!), told my mom to leave “politely” (aka sarcastic as ever!) and sat somewhat next to me for the rest of the night. I couldn’t force myself to enjoy after that. I still took compliments and talked to people, but not with the same enthusiasm as before (which was good since my awesome buddies came over before this happened, and they would instantly be worried which I don’t want. If any of them are reading this, sorry for not telling you right away, but I get worried when you get worried about me, you know? Plus I feel like I’m burdening you with my problems, and I know I don’t want that).

Now my dad is being annoying and trying to ‘repair’ a family that is never going to fixed. We tried to go to a psychologist last May, who was very shady no less, and at the end of day 2, cause my mom met up with him without my knowledge until I went, he told me I should take anti-anxiety medication so I can deal with them. He also said that it was all in my head, and that I was blowing everything out of proportion. (The funny thing about this guy’s “solution” was that my boyfriend and I were in psychology classes. So we BOTH know how BS this guy was. Even my BF’s mother knew how stupid the “solution” was. Hell, I told one of our friends this recently, and even he thought it was stupid!)  I was actually willing to keep going to this shady S.O.B but my parents never told me the next appointment. Even my guidance counselor during my senior year was surprised at the lack of trying on their part. I have so MANY stories about this situation, but this post is getting way too long. 

Thanks for listening to this ramble vent thing.

#my art #personal #vent #vent art #30 day #30 day challenge #challenge #sketch #doodle #gif #long post #really long post #long vent

[ecotone99]

[RF] a letter

Hello. My name is Aaron, and I have been contemplating suicide for the past year.

Today is a Saturday evening, and I’m writing this little letter of my own story. I don’t know if it’s simply for myself, to help cope with the pain, or for whoever may find it later, somewhere on this old and dusty table. Perhaps I just have too much anger and sadness for the world. I’m hoping this little letter will validate my feelings. If not all of them, then at least some will be gone. Maybe after rereading it to myself over and over again, it will make me feel less bitter about it. I don’t really know. All I know is that it started about five years ago.

I always hated my stepmother, for various reasons. While she may seem like a reasonable lady at first glance, unfortunately, it’s not true. First things first, she is religious. To be honest, this wouldn’t have been much of a problem for me, if she wasn’t head over heels crazy with it. Maybe it was just me being a teenager, but sometimes I had this feeling in the back of my head that she actually put her Christianity in front of her own family. That she put it in front of me. It hurt. Other than this, she was also just an overall awful woman who’s borderline abusive and hated literally everyone in the family. I don’t even know why dad married her. She justified her hatred that we kids thought she was the evil stepmother anyways, so she might as well be one. In fact, I did indeed feel bad for hating her at some point. I just wanted dad to be happy. I don’t feel this way anymore.

I was in my senior year in high school when this new girl was moved into our class from a completely different school for whatever reasons. I don’t even remember anymore. Of course, at first, everyone thought that she was mentally challenged because she always had this eerie vibe around her. Like a mystic aura of a witch or something. They thought so because our school provided students with disabilities much more help than any others did in the region nearby. Even I, myself, used to think this way in the beginning too. It didn’t take too much time to change my opinion though. Her name was Nicole.

The poor girl was a misfit in our class from the very beginning. Most likely because our class wasn’t really a welcoming one. But she tried. From what I remember, she was socially inept, dressed quite weirdly, and always kept to herself. Unlike other girls, she didn’t seem to follow any of the latest trends related to clothes and didn’t wear any makeup whatsoever. That probably was the reason why she didn’t have much luck among girls. Whenever she tried to reach out to someone or tried to make friends, she appeared unsettling. It didn’t look like she knew what she was doing. Something inside me just kept telling me, that I and her would get along perfectly fine. And I was right.

One day, I got myself together and came up to her after class, when everyone was already packing up to leave and referred to some funny joke she made in the Spanish class. The poor girl thought I was trying to mock her or something, and began crying and apologizing for it. Obviously I didn’t expect such an outcome and quickly explained that I actually found the joke hilarious. When she calmed down, I offered to have lunch together, to get to know each other better. Luckily, she agreed. I found out that she didn’t have any friends at all, and that she was looking to make some. I wanted to be her friend. Long story short, we quickly befriended each other.

By the end of senior year, I and Nicole were already dating. To be completely honest I did not expect such a turn of events. Nor did I expect to end up becoming friends with her in the first place. I guess I just got lucky, or like some people say ‘did the right thing, at the right place in the right time’. Either way, I was genuinely happy with her, and so was she. Eventually, we went to college in the same city, and as college moved, our relationship just kept getting stronger and stronger. Since we were in the same city, both of us saved up some money, and we bought an apartment together. It was far from fancy. Just one more or less spacious living room, that was also our bedroom and kitchen, and a tiny bathroom on the left side. I don’t think two college students could afford more. But it was our home, and we cherished it.

Gradually we began talking about our post-college plans. I was looking forward to tackling the engineering and programming sphere, while Nicole was more interested in medicine. Slowly it became apparent that as things were going, we might get married. At the time, just the thought of it warmed my heart. It felt so serene when I was imagining our future family. It was like one of those Hollywood movies, with this perfect couple, that has no problems at all, except misfortunes began flowing onto us like a damn curse.

Nicole started getting sick. It happened suddenly, and quickly. She began having frequent chest pains, and occasional instances of uncontrollable coughing. The first time it happened she just ducked down and laid onto the floor of our apartment, as she continued coughing and wheezing, struggling to breathe. I panicked and didn’t know what to do, but thankfully, it kinda went away on its own. Not for long though, as such “instances” became regular. Eventually, I grew worried about her situation, and we decided to go to the doctor. It turned out that she had lung cancer.

They took her to the hospital, where in some unfortunate twist of events we found out that she also has had a brain tumour that went unnoticed for the past years. The doctors said we were lucky to find out about the issue with her lungs quick enough, as it was in its early stage, and the chances to cure it were moderately high. On the other hand, the tumour was a completely different story. All the doctors we went to waved their hands in despair, claiming that there was nothing they could really do at this point. It was a very dangerous situation.

As days went on, every single one of them felt so important. Together like this, we learned a lot of things. One of them was how to not take our health, and life in general for granted, as in mere seconds, all of it could crush down into small pieces. Together we felt so strong. We felt like we could overcome any obstacle that life threw at us. We truly were inseparable. Eventually, I decided to call my dad to tell him about what’s happening. Unlike my mother, he was very supportive of me. He was a nice person in general, and I always appreciated his advice, but even with his warm support, I was still devastated. At times it felt like a nightmare, that lasted forever, and I couldn’t wake up from it. The situation kept getting worse as thoughts of suicide began to cross Nicole’s mind. It hurt her to look in the mirror. She kept losing hair and weight. Although, to anyone else she might have looked like an ugly, bald walking skeleton, to me it was still the old beautiful Nicole. I even managed to get another job so I could afford her medication. It was expensive, but the hope of a happy ending never left me.

This was where I began realising that I was running out of time to ask her to marry me. Because I was so busy with work to afford the bills, I was hurting my own relationship with her. I knew that I didn’t have much time on my hands and that I needed to act fast. In the end, I decided to ask her, so we could still marry one another like a normal couple, despite her situation getting worse and worse. I guess I tried to ignore the inevitable. Only now I am starting to realise that I wasn’t working for her. I was working for me, burying myself in work so I could distract my pathetic excuse of a human from my problems. So I could cope with everything.

I called my dad to let him know about my intentions. His tone seemed genuinely excited. I guess any parent would get happy and giddy about their child finally making a family. I let him know that he’s welcome to come if he wants, but my stepmother is not. He claimed he understood and hung up. The old man didn’t seem particularly happy about it, but I didn’t think much of it. I had a lot more important things to take care of.

The next day, I and Nicole were coming home from the hospital. As we were walking closer to the building, I noticed a figure drawing nearby the front door. Tapping its foot, obviously pissed, and looking around, waiting for someone. I didn’t realise it was none other than my stepmother until I approached her. She said that we needed to talk about what I told my father the other day. I responded briefly that we don’t and tried to walk away from her. As I was stepping forward she shouted in my back that I cannot marry Nicole. For one thing that she’s going to die, and for the second – she’s choosing medicine over prayer, which is against our family’s religion.

My body went cold with rage. My vision blurred. I had not proposed Nicole yet, but I was going to. I wanted to surprise her with it. Instead, she found out from my shouting stepmother. Nicole heard it. She heard that I was forbidden to marry her and that she is going to die. I don’t know what came over me. I still regret my reaction to this day. I can’t really blame anyone but myself for it. I suppose I was too mad to judge the situation. Without thinking much, I punched that woman in the face. She fell to the ground. I didn’t even check if she was alright. I took Nicole and walked into the building without looking back.

After I made sure they didn’t follow us back inside, I realized the whole marriage thing was out in the open. Nicole and I discussed it, and she said she really wants to get married before she dies. The three words in her response. ‘before she dies’. They hurt to listen to.

Several days passed. I kept helping out Nicole with what I could and almost forgot about what happened a couple of days prior. I suppose my parents didn’t feel the same way about it. I’m told that they’re having trouble with my card in the hospital. Insufficient funds, they said. I knew that it was impossible since there were literally thousands of dollars on it the other day. That evening I went home and checked my laptop, where I found out that the money has been withdrawn, and my bank account was almost completely empty. There was no one else who could have done it, but my dad. He helped me set up the account when I was going to college. I realize he was the only one who had the authority to do this. In a fit of rage, I decided to give him a call. I let him know that I am coming to their house for the money and that I’m going to contact the authorities if he doesn’t return it. He claimed they had the rights to report my assault on my stepmother. I froze. Sweating cold, I told him that I am coming over either way, and we can discuss this matter in person. There were no real discussions, though. I yelled at them for about four hours, and he gave me my money back.

Once this whole fiasco was over I went to the bank and set up a new account that had nothing to do with him. I understood that I shouldn’t expect support from them anymore, or trust them at all, so I figured I’d cut all ties with them. It was for the better.

It was becoming more and more probable that she won’t make it much longer. I thought I shouldn’t waste any time and got an engagement ring. It wasn’t the fanciest, but I thought it was beautiful. I took her out to this old field we used to hang out in high school. We had all sorts of memories there. It was a big forest under the stars, off the main road. Whenever I was thinking of a safe place, this field was the first thing to come to mind. I proposed to her. She said yes. Holding her after that was the most beautiful moment of my life.

Everything appeared to sort itself out. Somewhat. Nicole seemed much happier, but I knew she was terrified on the inside. We both avoided talking about her illness. Ignorance is bliss. She told me how important it was to her that now if she was going to die, she’d be dying happy, with me. It hurts thinking about this, knowing how she bravely accepted her inevitable fate. Those times were the happiest I have ever seen her. Easily the best days of my life. I had no idea that the worst had yet to come

About two weeks into our marriage Nicole’s health took a turn for the worst. We started going to the hospital regularly again. I was starting to understand, that the end was near. The doctors estimated she had about a month left at best. It was the most terrifying moment of my entire life. Up until this point, there was no set-in-stone outcome. There was always an admittedly distant hope that things would turn out to be okay. All my hopes were crushed in an instant.

I dropped my courses for the semester and set it up so that I would finish it during the fall of next year. I spent every single day with Nicole. I felt so in love with her at that point, that it mentally and physically hurt to think about her death, let alone experience it. She was still holding up fine, I think, but eventually, the fear was taking over. She was beginning to get scared too. She told me she needed me to be with her when she dies. She didn’t want to be alone when it happens. She kept making me promise it over and over again. It felt soul-crushing.

Three weeks pass after the warning of the doctors. We were doing nothing special on that day. Holding each other and listening to music while watching a movie. Her health couldn’t afford more than this, but at least I knew I was there for her. I was there with her. Suddenly there’s a knock on the door. When I went to answer, it turned out to be the police. Before I can say or do anything, I already find myself arrested for assaulting my stepmother. As I get taken away, I could hear Nicole faintly shout in the distance with the most desperate tone possible. She didn’t want me to leave her. If only it was my choice.

I’m put in jail overnight, and the next day I’m let out because the charges were dropped. My dad picks me up to explain that it was some sort of an attempt to teach me a lesson. As if I cared. I told him I really needed to go home. He decides to drive me to his and my stepmother’s house instead so I can apologize in front of her. Personally. I ended up being kept there for two more hours because none of them believed my apologies were genuine enough. They tell me it isn’t over, and finally, take me back home.

I walk to the door and knock. No response. Knocked a second time, and rung the bell. No response yet again. I start getting worried and search my pockets for my spare key. It was quite ironic, in fact how I ended up with my spare key in my pockets, but no phone. I open the door with shaky hands once I find it. It felt so heavy. As soon as I step in, an awful smell hits my nose. I slowly approach the room where I and Nicole were in. The music was still playing. An eerie vibe looming over the apartment. When I enter the bedroom, I find her. Nicole was curled up, laying on the floor. Her face was caked in tears. I was still hoping she was fine. I tried tapping her back, hoping she just fell asleep and would wake up and greet me with a hug, or at least turn around, to let me know she’s still fine. No signs of life. Once I grab my phone from the other room to call an ambulance, I find that she had texted me to come home for over thirty times. When the medics arrive I’m told she is dead. Nicole was no longer with us.

All of this happened last year. I’ve been contemplating suicide ever since. I’ve been trying to avoid my family again after these events, but recently I got a call from my father, telling me he got diagnosed with prostate cancer and that he only had two more months to live. He said he wanted to patch things up before it’s too late. Currently, I’m having a lot of trouble figuring out whether or not I should do it. They never accepted any guilt. I think I’ll simply let him die knowing I want nothing to do with him. Plus, I have other important business to attend to.

Nicole must have missed me…

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[adambstingus]

6 Actors Who Tried To Teach Lessons (And Madness Ensued)

A celebrity public service announcement seems like a fine idea in theory. People love having a popular, attractive person tell them what to do — that’s how God-Emperors are made. So how can you screw that up? Well, let us count the ways …

6

Mario Tells Kids That They’ll Suffer Hell On Earth

“Captain” Lou Albano had the honor of being both a professional wrestler and Mario on The Super Mario Bros. Super Show, which to children is about as impressive as being a crimefighting dog who can magically summon ice cream. So it’s not surprising that Albano was seen as a great choice for an anti-drug PSA aimed at kids. It is surprising that they filmed the whole shebang in a closet while Albano looked like he was wasted on a whatever he was telling kids to stay away from.

Albano crams a lot of words into 19 seconds, and while it’s mostly standard PSA stuff (“Don’t be afraid to say no,” “People who want you to take drugs aren’t really your friends,” “You’ll probably stop giving a crap about what Mario says when you go to college and some cutie invites you to smoke weed with them,” etc.), there’s a last-second twist. Albano warns that if you do drugs, “you’ll go to hell before you die,” while fading into a corner of a screen and whispering the word “please” in a way that would really mess with your head if you were tripping.

Always remember, kids: According to a professional athlete who played a hero whose power comes from magical mushrooms, drugs have no benefit whatsoever and will send you to a nightmarish plane of brimstone and fire.

5

The Cast Of The Wire Wants You To Wear A Condom

Teenagers, generally speaking, are the demographic that most need education on sexual safety, both because they’re lacking in life experience and because they’re getting laid way more often than we are. So if you had to make a hip safe sex PSA in the mid-2000s, what celebrities would you work with? The stars of a teen drama? Maybe the cast of a reality show? How about the heroes of their dad’s favorite gritty police drama, The Wire?

Luckily, a whole chunk of The Wire‘s cast is here to prestige people into practicing safe sex. Unfortunately, this PSA is less of a coherent call to action than a laudanum-induced fever dream. There are no statistics or stern lectures — merely the dying hallucinations of a ’80s music video director made surreality.

Monique Richert/YouTube “Why, I’m practicing safe sex right now!”

The whole thing comes across like aliens have kidnapped humans and are trying to make a soothing simulated reality for them based only on the trivia that we like sex, award-winning television, and outdated music. Clarke Peters looks like he’s about to teach us either Tae Bo or how to use your orgasm to ascend to a higher plane of existence.

4

Here’s Jackie Chan Hanging Out With A Giant Condom

“You all know me as an action hero,” is how Jackie Chan walks into this PSA. But he wants to introduce us to another action hero: Mr. Condom, who sounds like the stuffed bear of a Victorian British child — something to keep in mind the next time you use one.

Mr. Condom and Jackie clearly have a strong and respectful master-student relationship, and Chan explains how this strong warrior prevents STDs. Meanwhile, an energetic Mr. Condom shows off his fighting moves. Because if there’s one thing you want a good condom to be, it’s flexible enough to move around wildly on its own.

Mr. Condom then launches himself into the air, spins around, and stretches himself out, in case you’ve ever wondered what it looks like when a condom has its own orgasm, before reminding us to use him when you have sex. Chan then wraps up the PSA by telling us that while he can fight visible enemies, even he needs Mr. Condom’s help in keeping HIV at bay, which can definitely be a risk when you cheat on your wife. Then Jackie and Mr. Condom embrace, and Jackie definitely doesn’t die a little inside before they punch the camera.

3

Don’t Drive Angry, Or Evander Holyfield Will Beat You To Death

If you make the wrong decision while driving, you can end a person’s life. Someone’s loved one could be snuffed out in an instant due to your carelessness. But apparently some people require a more “What’s in it for me?” incentive than that, so Evander Holyfield made a PSA about how he’ll beat the shit out of aggressive drivers.

Scene: A car pulls into traffic and cuts off another driver, who then angrily honks and forces the car over. The man gets out of his truck and reveals himself to be a redneck stereotype whose string of profanity makes it clear that he intends to beat the fuck stuffing out of his new nemesis. But then, surprise twist! The man he wants to murder is Evander Holyfield! Now who’s about to die?

The moral clearly ought to be “Avoid road rage. You never know who you might run into. But counterpoint: If you can clearly see it’s some soccer mom or a grandpa, feel free to go full King Immortan Joe on their asses.” If the only way you can think of to appeal to violent maniacs is to remind them they’ll sometimes cross paths with a professional fighter, you haven’t made a PSA against road rage, but one in favor of keeping a gun in the glove compartment.

2

Mel Gibson Doesn’t Want The Feds To Take Away Our Vitamins

Holy shit, check out this thrilling Mel Gibson movie set in the grim future of 1993!

Whose fancy house is being raided? A corrupt politician? An unscrupulous CEO?

No, they’re arresting Mel Gibson. And while it was prescient for Gibson to portray himself as being in trouble with the law, here he’s being hauled in for the simple dystopian crime of owning vitamins. “Guys, guys! It’s only vitamins!” he protests. But what he doesn’t know is that the government wants to make vitamins illegal. This video is here to warn good American citizens that their supplements are under attack. Now, you probably don’t know anyone who has been dogpiled by a SWAT team for cracking open a bottle of Flintstone’s, but in the chilling, stupid reality of Mel Gibson’s world, the answer is “It’s already happening.”

As shown in this obviously based-on-real-events footage, the fascist pig cops are unimpressed when Gibson explains to them he was only taking Vitamin C, “like in oranges.” He’ll have plenty of time to adjust his mindset during his four-month stay at a Dietary Supplement Reeducation Camp. But that future doesn’t have to be ours, the cards say, if we just call our senators.

If you’re wondering what the hell is going on, this “PSA” was funded by the Nutritional Health Alliance, a lobby group formed by the supplement industry to prevent the government from looking into what a huge scam supplements are.

Specifically, in early ’90s, the FDA wanted to crack down on supplements that made completely unsubstantiated health claims on their packaging and in ads, because if there’s one thing the Man loves to do, it’s pushing around honest, hard-working Americans by forcing them to stop buying dangerous products that hospitalize tens of thousands and might accidentally kill people. It’s unclear if Gibson actually believed in the supplement industry or was letting them supplement his income, but luckily, Gibbers was unable to terrify Americans with his vision of a vitamin-hating police state. The FDA’s new regulations went through, and Gibson found himself on the wrong side of history — a position he’s since become intimately familiar with.

1

Kid Rock And Sean Penn For Generic Unity Between Americans

It’s no secret that America is a politically divided country. And who better to bridge that bitter gap than Kid Rock and Sean Penn, two of the most beloved and kind artists in the world. Between Kid’s political savvy and Penn’s famous calmness, only these two could ever unite Americans across the political spectrum — mostly by making all of them ask “Wait … what the fuck?”

This nearly 11-minute (no, seriously) public service Sundance entry is called “Americans,” and it features one of America’s favorite (alleged) spousal abusers sitting down with one of America’s least-favorite aural abusers for a conversation that absolutely no one asked for.

We open with Penn sitting at a bar and ordering vodka, even though he already looks and sounds completely shitfaced.

Mitt Romney (this was made in 2012) is giving a speech on TV. Penn asks for the channel to be changed, but the justifiably scared female bartender ignores him, just in time for Romney to introduce his special musical guest. It’s Kid Rock, and for a moment, we are all Sean Penn:

Then, gasp! Old Man Rock appears in the bar! How Penn failed to notice a six-foot-tall overall-wearing Americana scarecrow right next to him is left unexplained.

But Mr. Rock, who also seems drunk, plops himself down next to Penn and starts complaining about “Obummer’s” tax policies, like a totally relatable middle American. The two start sniping at each other like YouTube commenters — Penn quotes Goebbels, while Kid Rock says “Fuckin’ suck it, commie.” They both take turns delivering incoherent tirades, although Penn seems to be winning the debate. After all, it’s hard to take Kid Rock seriously when he’s dressed like he’s on his way to play the Country Bear Jamboree.

They nearly come to blows, in a fight we could only hope they somehow both lose, until a random sassy bar patron tells them to shut up and appreciate everything America has to offer. Her passionate speech about what American citizenship means to her is somewhat undercut by the fact that she finishes by calling them “fucking pussies,” but never mind that –there’s some breaking news on the bar TV that inexplicably isn’t just on ESPN. 26 marines have been killed in Afghanistan! Cue sad music and Kid Rock failing to act!

Thankfully, those soldiers didn’t die in vain. Rock and Penn are inspired by their sacrifice to toast “to freedom” and apologize to each other — while babbling over everyone else’s respectful moment of silence. Naturally, the next step is a wacky montage! The first thing Kid Rock does is sell his car and buy a Prius, as any relatable conservative American who wants to learn more about his liberal friends could totally afford to do at the drop of a hideous hat.

Next, we get a shot of an environmental protest, Kid Rock urinating in the background, and Penn catching his urine in a bucket because … Kid Rock’s dehydrated lizard juice still counts as potable water? No time to reflect, because it’s time for Penn to trade places! Kid Rock teaches him to drink a beer instead of a girly cocktail! As the day is winding down, Penn takes Rock to a gay wedding, which, according to this movie, involves one of the men wearing a wedding dress! Are we seeing this wedding through Rock’s Republican eyes?

They then buy each other T-shirts and exchange them on the beach! Kid Rock and Sean Penn are totally about to fuck! After the pair leaves the beach to go bone down, the message of this inspirational tale appears onscreen for the benefit of the slower viewers: We’re all Americans, whether we love PETA, own guns, or are a sassy black woman. Those are the only three kinds of Americans. You too can put aside your cavalcade of liberal and conservative stereotypes and stop yelling crude insults at each other long enough to bond over some dead marines and go car shopping. Because in the end, aren’t we all just South Park jokes without the irony? Fuck yeah, Sean Penn and Kid Rock. Fuck yeah.

Mark is on Twitter and has a book.

Also check out The 6 Most Counterproductive PSAs of All Time and 7 Safety PSAs (That Were Clearly Made By Serial Killers).

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[samanthasroberts]

6 Actors Who Tried To Teach Lessons (And Madness Ensued)

A celebrity public service announcement seems like a fine idea in theory. People love having a popular, attractive person tell them what to do — that’s how God-Emperors are made. So how can you screw that up? Well, let us count the ways …

6

Mario Tells Kids That They’ll Suffer Hell On Earth

“Captain” Lou Albano had the honor of being both a professional wrestler and Mario on The Super Mario Bros. Super Show, which to children is about as impressive as being a crimefighting dog who can magically summon ice cream. So it’s not surprising that Albano was seen as a great choice for an anti-drug PSA aimed at kids. It is surprising that they filmed the whole shebang in a closet while Albano looked like he was wasted on a whatever he was telling kids to stay away from.

Albano crams a lot of words into 19 seconds, and while it’s mostly standard PSA stuff (“Don’t be afraid to say no,” “People who want you to take drugs aren’t really your friends,” “You’ll probably stop giving a crap about what Mario says when you go to college and some cutie invites you to smoke weed with them,” etc.), there’s a last-second twist. Albano warns that if you do drugs, “you’ll go to hell before you die,” while fading into a corner of a screen and whispering the word “please” in a way that would really mess with your head if you were tripping.

Always remember, kids: According to a professional athlete who played a hero whose power comes from magical mushrooms, drugs have no benefit whatsoever and will send you to a nightmarish plane of brimstone and fire.

5

The Cast Of The Wire Wants You To Wear A Condom

Teenagers, generally speaking, are the demographic that most need education on sexual safety, both because they’re lacking in life experience and because they’re getting laid way more often than we are. So if you had to make a hip safe sex PSA in the mid-2000s, what celebrities would you work with? The stars of a teen drama? Maybe the cast of a reality show? How about the heroes of their dad’s favorite gritty police drama, The Wire?

Luckily, a whole chunk of The Wire‘s cast is here to prestige people into practicing safe sex. Unfortunately, this PSA is less of a coherent call to action than a laudanum-induced fever dream. There are no statistics or stern lectures — merely the dying hallucinations of a ’80s music video director made surreality.

Monique Richert/YouTube “Why, I’m practicing safe sex right now!”

The whole thing comes across like aliens have kidnapped humans and are trying to make a soothing simulated reality for them based only on the trivia that we like sex, award-winning television, and outdated music. Clarke Peters looks like he’s about to teach us either Tae Bo or how to use your orgasm to ascend to a higher plane of existence.

4

Here’s Jackie Chan Hanging Out With A Giant Condom

“You all know me as an action hero,” is how Jackie Chan walks into this PSA. But he wants to introduce us to another action hero: Mr. Condom, who sounds like the stuffed bear of a Victorian British child — something to keep in mind the next time you use one.

Mr. Condom and Jackie clearly have a strong and respectful master-student relationship, and Chan explains how this strong warrior prevents STDs. Meanwhile, an energetic Mr. Condom shows off his fighting moves. Because if there’s one thing you want a good condom to be, it’s flexible enough to move around wildly on its own.

Mr. Condom then launches himself into the air, spins around, and stretches himself out, in case you’ve ever wondered what it looks like when a condom has its own orgasm, before reminding us to use him when you have sex. Chan then wraps up the PSA by telling us that while he can fight visible enemies, even he needs Mr. Condom’s help in keeping HIV at bay, which can definitely be a risk when you cheat on your wife. Then Jackie and Mr. Condom embrace, and Jackie definitely doesn’t die a little inside before they punch the camera.

3

Don’t Drive Angry, Or Evander Holyfield Will Beat You To Death

If you make the wrong decision while driving, you can end a person’s life. Someone’s loved one could be snuffed out in an instant due to your carelessness. But apparently some people require a more “What’s in it for me?” incentive than that, so Evander Holyfield made a PSA about how he’ll beat the shit out of aggressive drivers.

Scene: A car pulls into traffic and cuts off another driver, who then angrily honks and forces the car over. The man gets out of his truck and reveals himself to be a redneck stereotype whose string of profanity makes it clear that he intends to beat the fuck stuffing out of his new nemesis. But then, surprise twist! The man he wants to murder is Evander Holyfield! Now who’s about to die?

The moral clearly ought to be “Avoid road rage. You never know who you might run into. But counterpoint: If you can clearly see it’s some soccer mom or a grandpa, feel free to go full King Immortan Joe on their asses.” If the only way you can think of to appeal to violent maniacs is to remind them they’ll sometimes cross paths with a professional fighter, you haven’t made a PSA against road rage, but one in favor of keeping a gun in the glove compartment.

2

Mel Gibson Doesn’t Want The Feds To Take Away Our Vitamins

Holy shit, check out this thrilling Mel Gibson movie set in the grim future of 1993!

Whose fancy house is being raided? A corrupt politician? An unscrupulous CEO?

No, they’re arresting Mel Gibson. And while it was prescient for Gibson to portray himself as being in trouble with the law, here he’s being hauled in for the simple dystopian crime of owning vitamins. “Guys, guys! It’s only vitamins!” he protests. But what he doesn’t know is that the government wants to make vitamins illegal. This video is here to warn good American citizens that their supplements are under attack. Now, you probably don’t know anyone who has been dogpiled by a SWAT team for cracking open a bottle of Flintstone’s, but in the chilling, stupid reality of Mel Gibson’s world, the answer is “It’s already happening.”

As shown in this obviously based-on-real-events footage, the fascist pig cops are unimpressed when Gibson explains to them he was only taking Vitamin C, “like in oranges.” He’ll have plenty of time to adjust his mindset during his four-month stay at a Dietary Supplement Reeducation Camp. But that future doesn’t have to be ours, the cards say, if we just call our senators.

If you’re wondering what the hell is going on, this “PSA” was funded by the Nutritional Health Alliance, a lobby group formed by the supplement industry to prevent the government from looking into what a huge scam supplements are.

Specifically, in early ’90s, the FDA wanted to crack down on supplements that made completely unsubstantiated health claims on their packaging and in ads, because if there’s one thing the Man loves to do, it’s pushing around honest, hard-working Americans by forcing them to stop buying dangerous products that hospitalize tens of thousands and might accidentally kill people. It’s unclear if Gibson actually believed in the supplement industry or was letting them supplement his income, but luckily, Gibbers was unable to terrify Americans with his vision of a vitamin-hating police state. The FDA’s new regulations went through, and Gibson found himself on the wrong side of history — a position he’s since become intimately familiar with.

1

Kid Rock And Sean Penn For Generic Unity Between Americans

It’s no secret that America is a politically divided country. And who better to bridge that bitter gap than Kid Rock and Sean Penn, two of the most beloved and kind artists in the world. Between Kid’s political savvy and Penn’s famous calmness, only these two could ever unite Americans across the political spectrum — mostly by making all of them ask “Wait … what the fuck?”

This nearly 11-minute (no, seriously) public service Sundance entry is called “Americans,” and it features one of America’s favorite (alleged) spousal abusers sitting down with one of America’s least-favorite aural abusers for a conversation that absolutely no one asked for.

We open with Penn sitting at a bar and ordering vodka, even though he already looks and sounds completely shitfaced.

Mitt Romney (this was made in 2012) is giving a speech on TV. Penn asks for the channel to be changed, but the justifiably scared female bartender ignores him, just in time for Romney to introduce his special musical guest. It’s Kid Rock, and for a moment, we are all Sean Penn:

Then, gasp! Old Man Rock appears in the bar! How Penn failed to notice a six-foot-tall overall-wearing Americana scarecrow right next to him is left unexplained.

But Mr. Rock, who also seems drunk, plops himself down next to Penn and starts complaining about “Obummer’s” tax policies, like a totally relatable middle American. The two start sniping at each other like YouTube commenters — Penn quotes Goebbels, while Kid Rock says “Fuckin’ suck it, commie.” They both take turns delivering incoherent tirades, although Penn seems to be winning the debate. After all, it’s hard to take Kid Rock seriously when he’s dressed like he’s on his way to play the Country Bear Jamboree.

They nearly come to blows, in a fight we could only hope they somehow both lose, until a random sassy bar patron tells them to shut up and appreciate everything America has to offer. Her passionate speech about what American citizenship means to her is somewhat undercut by the fact that she finishes by calling them “fucking pussies,” but never mind that –there’s some breaking news on the bar TV that inexplicably isn’t just on ESPN. 26 marines have been killed in Afghanistan! Cue sad music and Kid Rock failing to act!

Thankfully, those soldiers didn’t die in vain. Rock and Penn are inspired by their sacrifice to toast “to freedom” and apologize to each other — while babbling over everyone else’s respectful moment of silence. Naturally, the next step is a wacky montage! The first thing Kid Rock does is sell his car and buy a Prius, as any relatable conservative American who wants to learn more about his liberal friends could totally afford to do at the drop of a hideous hat.

Next, we get a shot of an environmental protest, Kid Rock urinating in the background, and Penn catching his urine in a bucket because … Kid Rock’s dehydrated lizard juice still counts as potable water? No time to reflect, because it’s time for Penn to trade places! Kid Rock teaches him to drink a beer instead of a girly cocktail! As the day is winding down, Penn takes Rock to a gay wedding, which, according to this movie, involves one of the men wearing a wedding dress! Are we seeing this wedding through Rock’s Republican eyes?

They then buy each other T-shirts and exchange them on the beach! Kid Rock and Sean Penn are totally about to fuck! After the pair leaves the beach to go bone down, the message of this inspirational tale appears onscreen for the benefit of the slower viewers: We’re all Americans, whether we love PETA, own guns, or are a sassy black woman. Those are the only three kinds of Americans. You too can put aside your cavalcade of liberal and conservative stereotypes and stop yelling crude insults at each other long enough to bond over some dead marines and go car shopping. Because in the end, aren’t we all just South Park jokes without the irony? Fuck yeah, Sean Penn and Kid Rock. Fuck yeah.

Mark is on Twitter and has a book.

Also check out The 6 Most Counterproductive PSAs of All Time and 7 Safety PSAs (That Were Clearly Made By Serial Killers).

Subscribe to our YouTube channel, and check out 6 PSAs Way More F#!@ed Up Than Any Drug Addict, and other videos you won’t see on the site!

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Source: http://allofbeer.com/6-actors-who-tried-to-teach-lessons-and-madness-ensued/

from All of Beer https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2019/02/22/6-actors-who-tried-to-teach-lessons-and-madness-ensued/

[allofbeercom]

6 Actors Who Tried To Teach Lessons (And Madness Ensued)

A celebrity public service announcement seems like a fine idea in theory. People love having a popular, attractive person tell them what to do — that’s how God-Emperors are made. So how can you screw that up? Well, let us count the ways …

6

Mario Tells Kids That They’ll Suffer Hell On Earth

“Captain” Lou Albano had the honor of being both a professional wrestler and Mario on The Super Mario Bros. Super Show, which to children is about as impressive as being a crimefighting dog who can magically summon ice cream. So it’s not surprising that Albano was seen as a great choice for an anti-drug PSA aimed at kids. It is surprising that they filmed the whole shebang in a closet while Albano looked like he was wasted on a whatever he was telling kids to stay away from.

Albano crams a lot of words into 19 seconds, and while it’s mostly standard PSA stuff (“Don’t be afraid to say no,” “People who want you to take drugs aren’t really your friends,” “You’ll probably stop giving a crap about what Mario says when you go to college and some cutie invites you to smoke weed with them,” etc.), there’s a last-second twist. Albano warns that if you do drugs, “you’ll go to hell before you die,” while fading into a corner of a screen and whispering the word “please” in a way that would really mess with your head if you were tripping.

Always remember, kids: According to a professional athlete who played a hero whose power comes from magical mushrooms, drugs have no benefit whatsoever and will send you to a nightmarish plane of brimstone and fire.

5

The Cast Of The Wire Wants You To Wear A Condom

Teenagers, generally speaking, are the demographic that most need education on sexual safety, both because they’re lacking in life experience and because they’re getting laid way more often than we are. So if you had to make a hip safe sex PSA in the mid-2000s, what celebrities would you work with? The stars of a teen drama? Maybe the cast of a reality show? How about the heroes of their dad’s favorite gritty police drama, The Wire?

Luckily, a whole chunk of The Wire‘s cast is here to prestige people into practicing safe sex. Unfortunately, this PSA is less of a coherent call to action than a laudanum-induced fever dream. There are no statistics or stern lectures — merely the dying hallucinations of a ’80s music video director made surreality.

Monique Richert/YouTube “Why, I’m practicing safe sex right now!”

The whole thing comes across like aliens have kidnapped humans and are trying to make a soothing simulated reality for them based only on the trivia that we like sex, award-winning television, and outdated music. Clarke Peters looks like he’s about to teach us either Tae Bo or how to use your orgasm to ascend to a higher plane of existence.

4

Here’s Jackie Chan Hanging Out With A Giant Condom

“You all know me as an action hero,” is how Jackie Chan walks into this PSA. But he wants to introduce us to another action hero: Mr. Condom, who sounds like the stuffed bear of a Victorian British child — something to keep in mind the next time you use one.

Mr. Condom and Jackie clearly have a strong and respectful master-student relationship, and Chan explains how this strong warrior prevents STDs. Meanwhile, an energetic Mr. Condom shows off his fighting moves. Because if there’s one thing you want a good condom to be, it’s flexible enough to move around wildly on its own.

Mr. Condom then launches himself into the air, spins around, and stretches himself out, in case you’ve ever wondered what it looks like when a condom has its own orgasm, before reminding us to use him when you have sex. Chan then wraps up the PSA by telling us that while he can fight visible enemies, even he needs Mr. Condom’s help in keeping HIV at bay, which can definitely be a risk when you cheat on your wife. Then Jackie and Mr. Condom embrace, and Jackie definitely doesn’t die a little inside before they punch the camera.

3

Don’t Drive Angry, Or Evander Holyfield Will Beat You To Death

If you make the wrong decision while driving, you can end a person’s life. Someone’s loved one could be snuffed out in an instant due to your carelessness. But apparently some people require a more “What’s in it for me?” incentive than that, so Evander Holyfield made a PSA about how he’ll beat the shit out of aggressive drivers.

Scene: A car pulls into traffic and cuts off another driver, who then angrily honks and forces the car over. The man gets out of his truck and reveals himself to be a redneck stereotype whose string of profanity makes it clear that he intends to beat the fuck stuffing out of his new nemesis. But then, surprise twist! The man he wants to murder is Evander Holyfield! Now who’s about to die?

The moral clearly ought to be “Avoid road rage. You never know who you might run into. But counterpoint: If you can clearly see it’s some soccer mom or a grandpa, feel free to go full King Immortan Joe on their asses.” If the only way you can think of to appeal to violent maniacs is to remind them they’ll sometimes cross paths with a professional fighter, you haven’t made a PSA against road rage, but one in favor of keeping a gun in the glove compartment.

2

Mel Gibson Doesn’t Want The Feds To Take Away Our Vitamins

Holy shit, check out this thrilling Mel Gibson movie set in the grim future of 1993!

Whose fancy house is being raided? A corrupt politician? An unscrupulous CEO?

No, they’re arresting Mel Gibson. And while it was prescient for Gibson to portray himself as being in trouble with the law, here he’s being hauled in for the simple dystopian crime of owning vitamins. “Guys, guys! It’s only vitamins!” he protests. But what he doesn’t know is that the government wants to make vitamins illegal. This video is here to warn good American citizens that their supplements are under attack. Now, you probably don’t know anyone who has been dogpiled by a SWAT team for cracking open a bottle of Flintstone’s, but in the chilling, stupid reality of Mel Gibson’s world, the answer is “It’s already happening.”

As shown in this obviously based-on-real-events footage, the fascist pig cops are unimpressed when Gibson explains to them he was only taking Vitamin C, “like in oranges.” He’ll have plenty of time to adjust his mindset during his four-month stay at a Dietary Supplement Reeducation Camp. But that future doesn’t have to be ours, the cards say, if we just call our senators.

If you’re wondering what the hell is going on, this “PSA” was funded by the Nutritional Health Alliance, a lobby group formed by the supplement industry to prevent the government from looking into what a huge scam supplements are.

Specifically, in early ’90s, the FDA wanted to crack down on supplements that made completely unsubstantiated health claims on their packaging and in ads, because if there’s one thing the Man loves to do, it’s pushing around honest, hard-working Americans by forcing them to stop buying dangerous products that hospitalize tens of thousands and might accidentally kill people. It’s unclear if Gibson actually believed in the supplement industry or was letting them supplement his income, but luckily, Gibbers was unable to terrify Americans with his vision of a vitamin-hating police state. The FDA’s new regulations went through, and Gibson found himself on the wrong side of history — a position he’s since become intimately familiar with.

1

Kid Rock And Sean Penn For Generic Unity Between Americans

It’s no secret that America is a politically divided country. And who better to bridge that bitter gap than Kid Rock and Sean Penn, two of the most beloved and kind artists in the world. Between Kid’s political savvy and Penn’s famous calmness, only these two could ever unite Americans across the political spectrum — mostly by making all of them ask “Wait … what the fuck?”

This nearly 11-minute (no, seriously) public service Sundance entry is called “Americans,” and it features one of America’s favorite (alleged) spousal abusers sitting down with one of America’s least-favorite aural abusers for a conversation that absolutely no one asked for.

We open with Penn sitting at a bar and ordering vodka, even though he already looks and sounds completely shitfaced.

Mitt Romney (this was made in 2012) is giving a speech on TV. Penn asks for the channel to be changed, but the justifiably scared female bartender ignores him, just in time for Romney to introduce his special musical guest. It’s Kid Rock, and for a moment, we are all Sean Penn:

Then, gasp! Old Man Rock appears in the bar! How Penn failed to notice a six-foot-tall overall-wearing Americana scarecrow right next to him is left unexplained.

But Mr. Rock, who also seems drunk, plops himself down next to Penn and starts complaining about “Obummer’s” tax policies, like a totally relatable middle American. The two start sniping at each other like YouTube commenters — Penn quotes Goebbels, while Kid Rock says “Fuckin’ suck it, commie.” They both take turns delivering incoherent tirades, although Penn seems to be winning the debate. After all, it’s hard to take Kid Rock seriously when he’s dressed like he’s on his way to play the Country Bear Jamboree.

They nearly come to blows, in a fight we could only hope they somehow both lose, until a random sassy bar patron tells them to shut up and appreciate everything America has to offer. Her passionate speech about what American citizenship means to her is somewhat undercut by the fact that she finishes by calling them “fucking pussies,” but never mind that –there’s some breaking news on the bar TV that inexplicably isn’t just on ESPN. 26 marines have been killed in Afghanistan! Cue sad music and Kid Rock failing to act!

Thankfully, those soldiers didn’t die in vain. Rock and Penn are inspired by their sacrifice to toast “to freedom” and apologize to each other — while babbling over everyone else’s respectful moment of silence. Naturally, the next step is a wacky montage! The first thing Kid Rock does is sell his car and buy a Prius, as any relatable conservative American who wants to learn more about his liberal friends could totally afford to do at the drop of a hideous hat.

Next, we get a shot of an environmental protest, Kid Rock urinating in the background, and Penn catching his urine in a bucket because … Kid Rock’s dehydrated lizard juice still counts as potable water? No time to reflect, because it’s time for Penn to trade places! Kid Rock teaches him to drink a beer instead of a girly cocktail! As the day is winding down, Penn takes Rock to a gay wedding, which, according to this movie, involves one of the men wearing a wedding dress! Are we seeing this wedding through Rock’s Republican eyes?

They then buy each other T-shirts and exchange them on the beach! Kid Rock and Sean Penn are totally about to fuck! After the pair leaves the beach to go bone down, the message of this inspirational tale appears onscreen for the benefit of the slower viewers: We’re all Americans, whether we love PETA, own guns, or are a sassy black woman. Those are the only three kinds of Americans. You too can put aside your cavalcade of liberal and conservative stereotypes and stop yelling crude insults at each other long enough to bond over some dead marines and go car shopping. Because in the end, aren’t we all just South Park jokes without the irony? Fuck yeah, Sean Penn and Kid Rock. Fuck yeah.

Mark is on Twitter and has a book.

Also check out The 6 Most Counterproductive PSAs of All Time and 7 Safety PSAs (That Were Clearly Made By Serial Killers).

Subscribe to our YouTube channel, and check out 6 PSAs Way More F#!@ed Up Than Any Drug Addict, and other videos you won’t see on the site!

Follow us on Facebook, and we’ll follow you everywhere.

If we’ve ever made you laugh or think, we now have a way where you can thank and support us!

Make a contribution

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/6-actors-who-tried-to-teach-lessons-and-madness-ensued/