#also i never say it but ill be a wElL aCTuAllY bitch about minor details in posts where eddie has like a six pack | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

weabooweedwitch · 6 months

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Most women your age are getting married and starting their families and you've never even had a bf 🤡 it's so over for you better get used to coping with ur crippling loneliness with maladaptive daydreaming, yandere asmr videos, drugs and self-insert fanfic because that's all you'll ever have now. Your youth is gone and you're still fat af even after you lost weight (probably gained it all back by now lmao). You could have made something of urself whem you were 20 by losing weight and going to college but instead you laid around and wasted all of your youth and now it's too late. No man will ever want to deal with your baggage of being poor, old, unwanted, uneducated (lmao how do I have more education than you and I'm 10 years younger? dumbass doesnt even have her GED), cringey age-inappropriate hobbies, mentally ill and not even having the decency to go to therapy and take meds, fat, ugly face, loser and loner with no irl friends, crazy family, looking old for your age, whored yourself out on a sugar daddy website, rotten teeth due to your own laziness, thinning frizzy hair and gross bulky glasses, drug addicted alcoholic who's probably going to be homeless for the majority of her life, mean person attacking minor aged rape victims like jesus christ you're so fucking worthless SO many red flags so much baggage no-one will ever want to deal with that. You don't even know how worthless you are

You know, every time you send me a message like this, I think of the person from your friend group who came forward a while back. You know, the one you don't like to acknowledge tried to apologize on your behalf. Anyways, every time you insult my appearance I just think of what your friend said

So i get it sweetie, youre mad at mommy and daddy and you're lashing out. That's why half the time you're repeating things i previously said back to me and parroting shallow insults with a very small vocabulary. The second i call you fatherless, you call me fatherless. I use thw word maladaptive and, suddenly you know that word too and juat HAVE to use it as well. I get it. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery

You're honestly just making yourself look so pitiable. You realize you've already painted yourself as such a dumb jackass that every single time you do this I basically just laugh and ignore you, and then people who know me and are friends or WANT TO be friends with me see how you treat me publicly and they all say "yeah wow who's this absolutely demonic little cunt acting like this without any reason". Like. What is the end goal here. Making yourself look as petty and stupid as possible. Meanwhile, what did someone else in your friend group say? The ones you lied to? Including Callie, the actual victim whose trauma you're basically trying to appropriate for yourself

Anyways yeah I just wanted to like show you the actual screenshots of the conversation I had with your friend back in June, which also to everyone else, yeah June, that's when she lied to her own friends and said she would stop doing this. She lied to her friends because all of them told her this was making them massively uncomfortable, so now she's. Being an internet troll in secret behind their backs 😂 they were going to tattle on you to your mom so you lied so they wouldn't check tumblr anymore because you're such a weird angry little freak that this has become a hobby for you

I'm sad? I'M sad? I don't even know your fucking name meanwhile you've scrolled through all of my blogs repeatedly for months cataloging details about me for the sheer purpose of trying to poorly insult me.

Like genuinely 90% of the reason I'm answering this is to basically wave a flag saying "hey everyone if you've ever seen or received weird asks of photoshopped porn of me or pictures of my actual family taken from their facebooks or saw the transphobic racist fake dating profile she made with one of my selfies or you ever received a bitch lasagna or Zalgo text, it was this cringey little lolcow right here"

But I also wanted to show you screenshot proof that you make your own friends super uncomfortable and that they started talking about your personal business to defend me over you. So. Yeah I guess that stings huh?

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swanfrcst · 1 year

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year end fic meme 2022!!!!

am i getting worse and worse each year 💀

Total number of completed stories: 3 on ao3. 3 on google docs that i haven't posted yet...i'll get around to posting those when i'm not feeling lazy jfaksndlf

Fics Posted:

On AO3:

The King's Avatar

left with a beautiful memory: my zhangjialefest2022 submission!!! tbh i never would have written this fic if not for really wanting to get something out for 02/22/2022 (even if i wasn't able to make the exact date), but i'm really happy i did write it in the end. it's always missing zhang jiale hours :''))) i am pretty happy with it tbh!! i feel like i was able to include a lot of my zjl headcanons/meta thoughts!

Good Hunting: this fic was a year and a half in the making!!! i am very proud of it actually. hmm what to even say about this! i think my prose slaps, i'm quite satisfied with the narrative, i had a mini breakdown about a stupid minor detail that waylaid the fic for months, and i wrote the last section, the transformation sequence, really early in the process and i'm still very happy with it!!!!! ahhhh having a fic i still feel this good about is really nice.

MDZS

(no) love left: a triple drabble i wrote for the seasons of drabble exchange! my first mdzs fic, and i still like it a lot! jiang cheng & wei wuxian is my favorite mdzs relationship, so ofc i had to take a crack at it :''')

not posted:

Genshin Impact

venti stormterror's lair fic: it's a fic about venti and his relationship with stormterror's lair! wrote it for the scenes of wonder genshin zine...so technically it's public and posted? i just haven't posted it on ao3 yet...if i do it the next few days i'll link it here :'') . i actually do like this one! wanted to exercise my descriptive writing muscles; i don't know how well i did but it was pretty fun to write

ganyu & liyue fic: in a very similar vein, it's a story about liyue changing through ganyu's eyes :') i'm....not super happy with this one ahahaha </3 which is also a reason it hasn't been posted yet. sigh i don't know how to clean it up though!! so the chances of me dumping it on ao3 is pretty low atm...maybe i'll throw it on tumblr first?? ahhh idk!

Witch Hat Atelier

Apprentice's Journey: a fic about qifrey and the girls i wrote for the hempishere witch hat atelier zine! i actually completely forgot about this fic....it was actually such a bitch to write. i had to rewrite it after the first draft was done because of shitty planning.....i'm still not satisfied with the final result but oh well :(

oHHHHHHHHH i just remembered i have some random drabbles?? i will...post those......maybe......maybe ill just . post them at the end of this post LMAO

Total word count: 9041 on ao3.

What WIPs are you working on?

added this question this year LOLOLOL i do have some """"active"""" wips!!!! it's mostly genshin!!!!!!!!! i have a ganqing wip i've been chipping away at for a while now that i do quite like :'D then.....two other genshin fic that i'm writing for two different free/open enrollment genshin zines! one is a lumine & albedo & venti fic that's just kind of about how all three of them are sussy non-humans. the other one is....a bit cringe LOL actually i don't even want to talk about it </3 it's supposed be yanfei & yelan with a fables theme but while i have an outline i do not like it very much :(

BTW my most exciting wip is a nahida & kaveh fic that is currently titled "nahida is my baby girl but kaveh is my babygirl. i hope you understand." however i word vomited a couple hundred freewrite words and now i have no idea how i want to keep writing it. pain pain pain.

i also?? wrote a couple hundred words for a sousou no frieren concept but ehhh that one's fighting me too. not enough meat on the concept sighhh

Looking back, did you write more fic than you thought you would this year, less, or about what you’d predicted?

actually...when you add in the stuff i haven't posted on ao3........including wips....i've written quite a lot! i just wish i had more to post :'')

What’s your own favorite story of the year?

good hunting :)

Did you take any writing risks this year?

hilariously, i think it's joining those two free zines 💀 i'm NOT good at writing to a deadline!!!!!!!! or a prompt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i don't really want to fail to submit something but i think im gonna flop lmao

Do you have any fanfic or ofic goals for the New Year?

lol...in this question last year i talked about my xsq & smc fic (good hunting) which i've actually finished!! i'm procrastinating on editing it, and actually want to post it for rare pair week so uhhh....yay to me for finishing it? but i guess my goals is to clean it up for rare pair week posting.

HIGHLIGHTING THIS FROM LAST YEAR BC GUESS WHO ACTUALLY FINISHED IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Good Hunting is a fic i'm still proud of so :''''')))) WOOOOOOOOOOO

i also want to finish my 100 sentences blossom duo fic that i started when i first joined qzgs fandom for zhang jiale fest!! i would like to participate this year!!!

this did not happen hahahaha i wrote a whole new fic instead </3

anyway....my goals....write more i guess 😭 i want to write more things that aren't for posting!!! i have so many stupid and self-indulgent stories rattling around in my brain and i want to make some sort of record of them :''))) sometimes i think of banger lines too that get lost immediately afterwards too and itd be nice to save those :'')))

Most popular/most under-appreciated/most fun to write/story that shifted my own perceptions of the characters:

most fun to write was definitely (no) love left! my recipient had some REALLY banger prompts like dreams/nightmares so i tried to play a bit with that kind of atmosphere/imagery!!! i think it turned out pretty well.

Hardest Story to Write:

Apprentice's Journey, the fic I wrote for the Witch Hat Atelier zine. goddddd that fic was a nightmare to write!!! like pulling teeth!!!!!!!! i've discovered i am NOT good at planning. i need to think very hard about thematic through-lines but sometimes i end up fucking up anyway and need to rewrite the whole thing. but a good thing about this fic is i had some banger lines :))) and maybe i'll post the scrapped bits separately later.

Biggest Disappointment/Biggest Surprise:

None

***

random drabbles i dont really want to post elsewhere

crawl back to

in the burial mounds, wei wuxian is broken down and remade. piece by piece, the graveyard strips wei wuxian of flesh and bone. the shattered skeletons of animals and humans and creatures unidentifiable clamor hungrily. they are desperate. they are cruel.

wei wuxian drags his body forward. he does not know where he is going. sometimes, he does not know if he is alive. wei wuxian has long passed knowing if he wants to be alive.

he is limping—he is stumbling—he is crawling—his hands are wet and sticky. under the dim light of a sun he cannot see, a river of red burns against the barren dirt.

late

a chengqing au that appeals to one person (me) where jiang cheng saves wen qing because he thinks that keeping wen qing “hostage” in lotus pier might be able to convince wei wuxian to come home…

jiang cheng—sandu shengshou, sect leader, estranged shidi to the villainous yiling laozu—leaves for the burial mounds with a mission.

he’ll succeed. he has to. surely wei wuxian won’t be able to deny him this time, not when he’s come prepared with a trump card. surely.

later, when jiang cheng returns to lotus pier, his feet carry him directly to a secluded room. locked and warded, but not heavily. before he can form a coherent thought, he pushes open the door.

inside: wen qing, sitting on a plain bed. she jerks to attention, hope glittering in her eyes.

“...he’s not here,” wen qing says after a long moment.

what can he even say? there are emotions he doesn’t have a name for digging a nest in the pit of his stomach. battering his ribcage. tearing into his beating heart.

“by the time i got to him,” he rasps, the words like brambles scraping against his throat, “it was–” –i was– “–too late.”

dirt on your cheek

under the flickering candle-light, beidou is all languid grins and loose limbs. even here, in ningguang’s private chambers, beidou radiates sleek confidence.

ningguang lifts her hand to the handsome curve of beidou’s face, tracing the shadow of beidou’s eyepatch.

beidou lifts a questioning eyebrow.

“there was something on your cheek, that’s all,” ningguang says. her fingers linger for a moment longer.

laughing, beidou pushes her down onto the bed. “can’t have anyone think the great ningguang is sappy, huh?”

ningguang lets herself fall gracefully, a pleased smile curling up her lips. “i suppose you’d know a little something about that.”

#personal #late......... </3 #year end summary

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gothicprep · 3 years

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it’s honestly very odd to me that disney has been retconning their iconic properties for 7 odd years now, if my memory is serving me correctly & maleficent was the first time they’d done this, and their fans, the Disney Simps, if you will, seem pretty unaffected by this. the decision to do a cruella deville backstory is stupid for obvious reasons – let’s turn the woman who’s name is effectively Cruel Devil into a girlboss – but i dont really get what their angle with the remakes is in general, aside from trying to ensure they keep their shit copyrighted until Yellowstone explodes.

I would sincerely love to sit in the focus groups wherein they decide what elements of the source material to doctor – “we have to cut the pink elephant scene from dumbo, even though it’s the only one that anyone remembers, because we can’t have an... underaged elephant... get turnt. and the circus eventually becomes cruelty free and stops using animal performances. jasmine already marched to the beat of her own drum in the animated aladdin, but we should throw a musical number in there to drive home how Fierce she is. gay representation is what people want to see right now, so let’s make a minor character from beauty and the beast that everyone forgot about gay and call it a night.”

the things they choose to overhaul aren’t details that anyone was criticizing to begin with. like someone in the marketing department saw “disney princesses drawn as CEOs” clickbait and just assumed the entire representation debacle online was a question of revisionist mad libs.

I spent an irresponsible amount of time yesterday binge watching YouTube essays about how the simpsons declined and atrophied, and the one thing I didn’t see pointed out in any of them was that the simpsons was very inherently a product of its time: when it aired in ’89, it served as an absurd and caricatured portrayal of an american family, but close enough to the actual picture to remain relatable. but the simpsons is still airing in 2021, and it doesn’t make a lot of sense when viewing it through the lens of homer being born in the mid-80s and growing up with an N64 and being raised on nickelodeon. a millennial homeowner supporting a family of five on a singular income. and since the in-universe canon has surpassed the point where you could just say “well, the 90s just never ended in springfield” you couldn’t effectively modernize it without burning the whole damn thing to the ground

it also calls to mind the old joke about comics (“the only one who stays dead is uncle ben”) which are similarly repackaged and rebooted with each new generation of consumer. batman gets meaner, or nicer, gets a new batmobile, a touchscreen batphone, whatever, but there’s never going to not be a batman.

and that’s just the tip of the iceberg. im not even going to get into stuff like dark fuck archie, aging disgruntled powerpuff girls reboot, the ill-conceived television adaptation of heathers, and the rest of it. there’s this weird phenomenon going on right now, like media necromancy or something. I don’t even know what to call it. endless retooling of existing properties even when they’re inextricably products of their time, to some extent. It’s like executives just threw their hands in the air and exclaimed “welp, this is as good as its ever going to get”

i dont know if it speaks to the purchasing power of nostalgia, or that people are generally creatures of habit and their media tastes reflect that to an extent, or that these corporations are just banking on these familiar titles knowing they’re a safer bet than something new. maybe a little of all of it to varying degrees – im not going to pretend I know the full answer to this. maybe I’m just getting old and becoming one of those old people who bitches about “aint used to be like this...” from my wooden rocking chair on the porch. either way, i wish people would stop, like, enabling this stuff with their wallets. it’s difficult for good media that makes contemporary sense to get as much traction as it deserves when the waters are this polluted

#Long post #if you made it this far congratulations #I’m sorry to say that if you’re looking for a point to be made... there’s not much of one #the train of thought just kind of left the station with no brakes

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fictionplumis · 3 years

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A Lambert/Aiden Thing

Okay, bear with me here, this might be long. And maybe at one point I'm gonna try to RP this but unfortunately there's no one on the Lambert/Aiden RP tags on the site I use. So I'm just gonna put this here for now. And if anyone wants to, oh I don't know, write a fic or whatever based on this, PLEASE link me 'cause I wanna read it but anyway.

Set after the Wild Hunt, one of those rare AUs where Aiden genuinely did not survive.

While traveling together as super cool witchers, Geralt ends up telling Ciri all about helping Lambert get revenge for his Cat friend, right?

Time passes, and Ciri starts trying to really solidify her control with her ability. Geralt ends up spending more and more time at Corvo Bianco and Ciri is out on the Path, but every so often a girl needs a break, y'know? So sometimes she'll disappear for a couple days, maybe a few weeks, just off in another world. It's a good way to practice.

In one world, she ends up running into this man named Aiden. (This world being our world. Not a modern Continent thing, not some point in the future, I mean OUR world.) They talk, and he ends up mentioning his roommate Lambert, and the more he says about Lambert, the more it becomes obvious that it's LAMBERT.

Now Ciri has absolutely no intention of doing anything about this. It's not her place, telling Lambert would be an AWFUL idea, and going to meet that world's version of her uncle just seems like a bad idea. But she is curious about what kind of man can inspire such a strong sense of friendship in Lambert, so she decides to pop into that world every so often, "accidentally" find Aiden, and just kind of get to know him a little bit. Plus it's another way to practice her abilities, not just pin-pointing and traveling to a specific world, but to where a specific person is.

She does that on and off a few times, enough where her and Aiden are sort of acquaintances.

Now in this world Aiden isn't a saint, okay? This boy pretty much grew up on the streets. He has a past that he's trying to get away from. He knows his way around a knife fight, has ample experience running from the cops, and has been through so much therapy. (I don’t get into detail here but any kind of modern Aiden I usually have some kind of neurotypical. Might be something as simple as ADHD, though I do love bipolar!Aiden and psychotic!Aiden as well. I’d imagine at this point he’s good at managing it, with the help of therapy and medication. Now the therapy wouldn’t be all that accessible with where this is going, but Ciri could help him make sure he has his medications. Hell, if wanted to have him keep things consistent with his therapy too, he could move down to appointments maybe once a month and Ciri could make sure he could get to them, the same way she helps attain other things later on in this snippet. I absolutely support positive and accurate depictions of mental illness, I’m not just using the terms bipolar or psychotic lightly.) And unfortunately his past ends up catching up with him.

Ciri happens to get there just in time. Before Aiden can end up with a bullet in his eye, she's teleporting him to the first safe place that comes to her mind: Corvo Bianca.

Now poor Aiden has no fucking idea what happened. One second his old "friends" have him backed into a corner with a gun to his face and the next he's experiencing the worst motion sickness of his life and throwing up in a pot that smells like shit. He spends the next two days sleeping off some major jet lag and when he comes to, he had no fucking idea where he is.

Then comes Geralt and Ciri having to awkwardly explain the whole witcher thing to him, the Continent in general, the time period, the fact that monsters and sorceresses and magic exists in this world, all that happy shit. And it's a lot to process. Before they can even get to the whole "do you want to go back to your world and handle the deal with people trying to kill you thing" Lambert shows up.

At first Aiden doesn't even think, he's just like oh thank fuck a familiar face, I know you hate hugs but I think this can be forgiven because I've had the weirdest most stressful week of my life.

And then he's like, wait a second. Lambert is... Thicker.

Like Lambert's always been a very physically active guy, he's a mechanic or whatever you want a modern day Lambert to do, but his shoulders weren't THAT broad before and under those spiky metal arm things are some impressive biceps. Also what are those spiky metal arm things? Lambert, what are you wearing? How the fuck did you get here? Holy shit your eyes--

He puts two and two together. Right, the name Geralt sounded familiar because Lambert's mentioned the name. That's his adopted brother. So if this Geralt is a witcher, then Lambert in this world is a witcher. And Lambert is also having a minor breakdown because, y'know, AIDEN.

Let's just say Geralt warned him. Explained the whole situation and asked Lambert to come back to help with this, and Lambert was very torn because it's not HIS Aiden. It'll hurt too much, to see someone so much like Aiden but just slightly to the left. He knew it would. He just didn’t expect this Aiden to be SO MUCH like his Aiden. By this point Aiden has had to change his clothes into some of Geralt's trousers with a belt to hold them up and a loose tunic, but it's fucking him.

They all talk a bit. Aiden pretty much admits that yeah, there are people after him. And they probably won't stop until he's dead. That's how gangs work, y'know? You can't really... Get out. He tried, he really fucking did, but even if it's not the ones that cornered him before, it'll be someone else. So yeah, Ciri saved his life and going back is probably not the best idea.

Now I absolutely don't want to fuck over another world's Lambert just to make Continent!Lambert happy, so we're gonna say the two were really good friends. They were roommates, they were close, Lambert was pretty much Aiden's only friend, but they weren't lovers. Lambert was with a woman named Keira. A doctor. They were good for each other, y'know? When Lambert first started dating her, Aiden thought she was kind of a bitch but as time went on she kind of mellowed out. It wasn't that she became less full of herself, but more that she actually felt confident enough that she didn't feel the need to try to take on the world anymore. And Lambert's happy with her. So leaving Lambert behind in that world kind of sucks, yeah, but he'll be okay. And this Lambert is so similar that to Aiden, it doesn't feel like he's losing someone.

Now we have Aiden getting to experience the Continent for the first time. Getting to experience witchers for the first time.

Lambert. Sword fighting.

And that's so fucking cool. Can you please teach me that?

Which of course has Lambert a little iffy, because this Aiden is human and no fucking away is he letting this Aiden anywhere near a monster, but Aiden is like, nah, relax, I just want to learn because sword fighting is really cool. Look, I'm really good with a knife, teach me some cool sword stuff.

So Lambert gets to teach Aiden some cool sword stuff. And how to make bombs, which Aiden LOVES. And maybe some alchemy, too, because Aiden asks about the potions and Lambert is very adamant that he never drinks any but Aiden likes at least knowing how to make them. It's fascinating. You all fucking know you would love to make potions out of gross monster parts and herbs if you had the chance, don't even lie. Lambert even shows off some signs and Aiden is delighted.

This eventually leads to one of those serious conversations about what it takes to become a witcher, and what all Lambert went through, and how people view witchers. And Aiden gets it, maybe not completely, but he gets the just of it. Because he knows about the other Lambert's past, and his shitty father, and all that stuff. And Aiden's brown, and people don't like that. And he's gay, and people don't like that either. Lambert's whole thing kind of reminds him of the X-men.

And Lambert doesn't know what the fuck that is so Aiden explains comics and superheroes and the X-men to him.

Because in his world they don't have witchers or magic, so they make up stories that have people like witchers, that have magic, and in those stories, those people sometimes face very similar prejudices. So to Aiden, Lambert is a lot like a superhero.

And Lambert's like uh huh, no way, definitely not any kind of hero, that's pretty boy's job.

To which Aiden responds, no, I definitely think you're a hero, even if you don't, so suck it up.

And they probably kiss and stuff.

Eventually Aiden gets restless and he's curious about the rest of the Continent, and he's tired of wearing Geralt's ill-fitting clothes because he's used to skinny jeans and shit so he gets Lambert to take him into Beauclaire for clothes.

And Beauclaire is fucking beautiful, he loves it.

The clothes are okay. Eventually he just asks Lambert what he used to wear and they go see the armorer instead. Aiden's not entirely sure about it, because Lambert looks like he's swallowed a mouthful of tacks when he sees Aiden in the Cat armor, even without the chest piece or the gauntlets, but Lambert assures him that he's fine.

It just doesn't quite ease the restlessness. So the next time Ciri pops in, Aiden asks for her help and together they scheme. The next day, Aiden tells Lambert to go find something to entertain himself with for awhile because he needs to spend some quality time with his BFF.

A few hours later they find Lambert sulking out in the vineyard, Aiden looking fine and fresh in a brand new pair of skinny jeans that show off his very nice ass, and some well-fitting combat boots that aren't nearly as durable as actual leather boots on the Continent but they have studs and buckles and look really cool.

Lambert is torn between thinking Aiden looks like a fucking idiot and thinking that he's never wanted to fuck Aiden more in his life.

Then Aiden drops the news that he also put together an outfit for Lambert because in his world, when you're interested in courting someone, the first thing you do is take them on a date. And he wants to take Lambert on the most stereotypical first date. What's that? Why the movies, of course! There's an X-men movie that just came out (I don't know which one, okay? I don't watch the X-men. You figure it out.) and he thought, maybe, he could show Lambert a little bit of the world he came from. They wouldn't be there for long, and they wouldn't be going to a theater anywhere near where Aiden's old gang would be. Nothing would be tied to Aiden's name, and he would be with Lambert, so he would be safe.

It's a big change from the Continent.

Lambert's never seen so many fucking people in his LIFE. Aiden had warned him about cars and technology and Lambert is pretty quick witted so while he's absolutely amazed, he manages to take it in stride pretty well. The thing that throws him off the most is when they go to buy popcorn and the girl at the counter goes, "Oh my god, I love your contacts! Where did you get them? They look so real!"

Lambert doesn't know what the fuck contacts are, but Aiden steps in all smooth-like, "Fuck, Lamb, you've had those forever, haven't you? I think he got 'em off some cosplay site."

Then he has to explain later that sometimes people put these little discs in their eye to help them see better or to change the color of their eyes for costume purposes. To which Lambert has the understandable reaction of, "Who in their right fucking mind would CHOOSE to do this to their fucking eyes?"

Well, y'know, they can take contacts out whenever they want. It's a cosmetic thing. They don't know what you had to go through to get your eyes to look like that. You'll probably have some old conservative people eyeing you weird, thinking you're some Satanist or whatever, but most other people will just think it's a cool choice you made, to put those in to go to the movies.

The world is weird. Lambert can't decide if he likes it or hates it.

He definitely likes the movie, though. And the popcorn. Probably finds the soda to be a little too sweet for his taste. There's still a lot of people, which makes him a bit on edge, but they came to the theater at an off time and not many people are actually in the room with them. They sit at the back and hold hands and Lambert decides he loves it. Ciri picks them up like a proud parent driving her kid and her kid's date home, only instead of driving she's teleporting and neither of them are her kids but whatever.

But Aiden isn't done scheming. When they get back he tells Lambert to stay put and gets Ciri to take him back for one more little errand.

A couple hours later they clang back into Corvo Bianco. CLANG back because each of them has a weird metal cart piled high with items and they're laughing their asses off.

So you might be wondering, how did Ciri and Aiden afford clothes? They stole them. How did Aiden afford movie tickets and popcorn? He pick pocketed. Boy grew up on the streets. He knows how to steal wallets. And now they performed the greatest "run out the doors of Walmart with carts full of shit" EVER. Because as soon as they were out of sight, they teleported, no one the wiser.

Aiden is thrilled with his non-purchases. Firstly, he has about a year's worth of toilet paper. he throws a package at Lambert, who's like, what the fuck is this. Toilet paper. What do you use it for? To wipe your ass after you shit, Lambert. Trust me. Once you use it, you'll never go back. It's a blessing, you'll thank me for it. There might not be indoor plumbing here, but god dammit, I want toilet paper.

He then hands Ciri two boxes of pads. Yeah, she was there shopping with him, but he just kind of dumped stuff in carts without explaining anything, and while Ciri knows what most of the things are, do you really think she's thought about how other worlds deal with menstruation? Because I menstruate, and the thought would genuinely not cross my mind. I would continue using whatever method I used back in my original world. So Aiden leans in to whisper what they are, because he's polite, and he becomes her favorite uncle just like that. And when Geralt and Lambert are like, uh, what? She tells them it's for menstruating and, "Oh, don't make that face at me, Geralt. I bleed, it happens."

Aiden admits that most of the other purchases are for Lambert, and when Lambert tires to protest Aiden makes it very clear that everything he bought is NORMAL in his world. Not even luxury, just NORMAL, so Lambert just needs to shut up and let Aiden make his life a little easier.

First up, sunglasses. Because Lambert mentioned how painful it can be to take Cat and then step out into sunlight before the potion has run out. He tosses a pair at Lambert, who tries them on with a frown and is like, "Oh. Huh. Alright. These might actually be pretty useful." Aiden got himself a pair too. They match. There's also a tent. It folds up pretty small, but witchers travel, right? And Lambert mentioned how shit it is to camp in the rain, so here's a tent that’s better than the shit you can buy on the Continent. You lay out your bedroll in it, and you don't have to worry about bugs, and it helps protect you against the weather. It's small, but it looks kind of easy to put up, should be durable enough.

And maybe just big enough for two, because Aiden isn't stupid. Eventually Lambert will need to take to the Path again, and Aiden wants to comes too. He wants to see the Continent. He can't help with the monsters, he knows, but maybe he can do something else to help them earn money. Who knows, right? This world isn't run by capitalism. He could make a living doing nearly anything. He can figure something out.

He even got a water filter, and a couple filter replacements because witchers can probably drink any kind of stagnant water they want but he would rather not die of dysentery, thanks. And he got himself a sleeping bag. And he got Lambert a very, very soft fleece blanket just because he thought Lambert would like it. (He does.) Oh, also, Lambert, smell this soap. And this shampoo. Using a bar of soap has not done Aiden's hair any favors, he got actual fucking shampoo. The BIG bottle. And now Lambert has some nice pomade to use in his hair instead of bear fat. Won't make his hair greasy plus it smells better. Also there's bubble bath, just because. And beard oil for Lambert. Some moisturizer. Here, Lambert, put on some chap stick. Trust me, you'll love it.

They set out on the Path and it's not always easy because Aiden worries CONSTANTLY. But Lambert is good at what he does. The few times they're ambushed, Lambert always keeps Aiden safe, because in this household everyone fucking survives.

Aiden likes seeing Lambert in action. He swoons and calls Lambert his hero.

There are some stunning places to visit on the Continent. Aiden's favorite are the elven ruins they sometimes come across. Only after Lambert deals with the wraiths, though.

Aiden learns how to play Gwent. He's not that good at it. Aiden learns how to cheat at Gwent. He's VERY good at it. Lambert teaches him how to fish with bombs. Aiden is fucking delighted.

Eventually he realizes how he can make money. He copywrites Disney.

He's no bard. He can't sing or play an instrument. But he CAN tell stories, and no matter how much you hate Disney, there are probably a lot of Disney movies everyone can quote by heart, and they're either already time-period approved, or they can easily be adapted into something time period approved. Lambert comes back from a hunt to find the entire tavern listening to Aiden with rapt attention while he's in the front of the room putting on a one man performance of the whole, "I am Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die," while jumping back and forth to play each part. He's clearly having a blast with it, because who doesn't love telling other people every little detail about their favorite movie?

As he's heading upstairs with Lambert, he just keeps raving about how he can't believe he actually made money with that. He hands Lambert a handful of coins, just like, "I don't know how much money this is, but look, it's money!"

Which probably leads to some conversation about capitalism and how easy it was in his world to feel insignificant, to feel like everything is pointless, and how much happier he is with Lambert. How it's even given him a new outlook on the world he came from. He doesn't want to go back, per se, but he doesn't want to completely leave either. He wants to show Lambert the best parts of it, to re-experience his world through Lambert, to really feel the amazement of it all the way he's supposed to, the way that's so easy to stop doing when you're actually living there. It's so easy to take it all for granted, but when you're showing it to someone who's experiencing it for the first time, you can really appreciate it all.

So every winter they head back to Toussaint and Ciri takes them back long enough for them to do something FUN. They play laser tag. They rope Geralt, Eskel, and Ciri into doing an escape room with them. They go kayaking. They do one of those rope courses and zip-line things. They go to an amusement park. A water park. They walk around a nature trail. They go to a comic convention. (Lambert wears his armor and so many people want pictures with him. He's just sad Aiden wouldn't let him bring his swords, the kids would have fucking loved to see a sword.) They have so much fun. And Aiden stocks up on modern supplies for the year while he's there. Another year's worth of toilet paper, a new tent, another fuzzy blanket, a few pairs of sunglasses because Lambert always ends up breaking his, a nice backpack because Lambert really likes having a bunch of different pockets in his bag for organizing things.

And you know what? Give it ten years, Aiden's bordering on his forties, and he finds some way to make himself functionally immortal. Magic, fairies, a curse, a blessing, I don't know, I don't care. Their plan becomes to live until one of them dies of something--probably Lambert, because he's the one Aiden always has to patch up (he now always buys a very large, well stocked first-aid kit from his world too) what with fighting monsters and all, and the other will follow. It's morbid, sure, but it works for them. With the way things are going, neither of them thinks they'll need to do that anytime soon anyway.

Basically, they live happily ever after, okay?

HAPPILY EVER AFTER.

#laiden #lambden #lamden #the witcher #lambert aiden

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emma-nation · 4 years

Text

Unfinished Business - F!Sam x MC Fanfiction

Summary: When Sam Dalton is caught in a scandal, Anna Schuyler is the only one who can help her. But will her former nanny be able to leave the past behind?

"Samantha Dalton was like one of good dreams you don't want to wake up from. You close your eyes, you force your brain to remember every minor detail, you begin to imagine what comes next... hoping to be in control. You want to fall asleep again. You want it to continue, but it's too late now. You're wide awake."

Genre: Angst, Romance

Notes: Hell yeah, three ongoing multichapter fics. I'm so screwed 😎

Tag List: If you wish to be tagged in future chapters and fics of this pairing, let me know.

"I can't do this anymore, Sam," Anna did the best to avoid her eyes. With the right look, they could melt the ice that had formed around her heart for the last few weeks. One look could make things warm again, but only for some time. Time enough for her to open up and fall in love once more, immediately followed by the realization all of that was nothing more than an illusion. She'd be fooling herself again.

This time she just had enough. It was the end.

"Anna, I'm sorry," the CEO didn't know very well what to say. Despite her usual calm voice tone, Anna could sense the nervousness in her words. "But Sofia is my wife."

"And I'm only the nanny."

"This is not what I meant. We just... we allowed ourselves to get too carried away. It was good while it lasted but now, we must face reality."

It was just a dream. Samantha Dalton was like one of good dreams you don't want to wake up from. You close your eyes, you force your brain to remember every minor detail, you begin to imagine what comes next... hoping to be in control. You want to fall asleep again. You want it to continue, but it's too late now. You're wide awake.

----------

Anna collected her stuff from the desk, giving one last emotional glance to the classroom in front of her. Before leaving for Summer, her fourth grade students had prepared her a small surprise. A little party with cake, snacks and a "Thank You, Ms. Schuyler" sign hanging in the back of the room. They also drew her some cards, which she saved for when she got home. It could become very emotional for her workplace.

"Anna," the principal appeared at the door, catching her attention, "I came here to congratulate you. It was your first year as a Science teacher in our school and you captivated all the kids, as well as their parents."

"You're welcome, Mrs. Rockwell," Anna smiled. "I love working with children and now I see I made the right decision taking this job. This year was the most rewarding experience of my life."

"So we can expect you to return next year? I'm sorry, the parents keep me asking this question all the time."

"Absolutely!"

"They'll be glad to hear that. Have a nice Summer, Ms. Schuyler."

After living in New York for the last two years, Anna was finally ready to drive to her mother's home in Rhode Island. They both had saved enough money for a road trip across the country. Her mom deserved to live that dream after caring for her ill step-dad for some long months, until his recovery.

When she arrived at her apartment, her best friend, Jenny, was still at work. What meant she'd have enough time to finish packing without having to stop to hear the latest gossip about the company she worked for, or unsolicited dating advice.

"But first," Anna pulled the small pile of cards from inside her purse, "let me cry my eyeballs out."

And she did. She learned how to love and connect to each one of her students. Those cards need to be kept in a special place, where she'd always be able to read them and remember the sweet moments she shared with those children.

Grabbing a box in her closet, Anna accidentally came across a picture of the Dalton twins. She didn't even remember where she had placed it, when she was getting rid of everything related to that family. All she wanted was to keep those boys' memory out of sight. She missed them too much for words. They were the reason why she accepted that job as a teacher in first place.

"I wonder how different they must look now," she thought. "They're already nine."

With a tightness in her chest, Anna placed the picture back in its secret spot.

"I still can't believe you're really going!" Later that evening, Jenny complained in the living room, where she divided her attention between painting her nails and watch TV.

"Well, it's time for you to come with terms with that. I'm only returning by the end of Summer," Anna responded from the kitchen, while she finished washing the dishes.

"Anna, we could have the Summer of our lives. Think about all the hot men and women you could meet, all the parties we could attend..."

"I promised my mom, okay? We've been planning this trip since I finished college."

Jenny was suddenly teleported back to her side, wrapping her arms around her like a clingy teddy bear.

"But I'm gonna miss you," she spoke with a mournful voice.

"I'll miss you too," Anna assured her. "I'll keep you updated on every detail. Don't worry."

"I know your mom is going with you but... Anna, it's time for you to find someone. Even if it's only a one night stand."

"This is not the main purpose of this trip. This isn't about my sex life, I want my mom to relax."

"It has been two years, for god's sake."

"I know. And I'm glad I've set my priorities straight, I live with my best friend in a nice apartment, I got this amazing job and I love my students. I don't need anyone else in my life to be happy. I am happy."

Jenny rolled her eyes, crawling back to the couch. She should know it was useless to bring up this subject. Anna's heart was indefinitely closed for balance. If that was one thing she learned from her last experience was that shouldn't open up so easily.

"Shut the hell up!"

Jenny yelling so loud in the living room, made Anna almost drop the plate she was holding.

"You need to come here right now and watch this," she added.

"I'm sorry, Jenny. You're not getting me into that steamy TV show you're always obsessing about."

"It's a really good TV show, okay? But it doesn't matter at the moment. You need to watch the latest news!"

Jenny was actually watching the news. Nothing good could've happened to spark that sudden interest. That had to be something stupid or celebrity gossip. Against her best judgment, Anna approached the TV.

"If that's something silly, I'll kill you for interrupting my tasks!" Anna's mouth suddenly dropped when she read the headline on her screen. "Oh."

"Dalton Enterprises Scandal: CEO Sam Dalton accused of insider trading."

Images of police officers closing the company and carrying out boxes and computers for further investigation appeared on the screen. As well as Sam being conducted to the officer's car while journalists and photographers chased after her.

"Karma's a bitch, huh?! Mrs. Perfect is going down!"

Anna didn't answer to her best friend. She was still trying to process what her eyes were watching. Her heart seemed to stop for a second as the camera focused on Sam's face. In just a few seconds, her eyes had the desperate need to capture every detail. She wanted to know if she looked any different, if she had changed her hair or even her clothes. She wanted to know if some make-up was trying to hide the bags under her eyes for lack of sleep, or if she had been so happy with her marriage she was appearing even younger. Any minor signs that would make her mind create a possible scenario of what Sam's life could be right now.

She hadn't seen or heard of Samantha since quitting her nanny job. Though it was difficult, she managed to avoid any news related to the Dalton Enterprises CEO. They didn't part in good terms, yet one thing she was sure about, Sam was a decent person. She would never get involved in such a scandal. She had a reputation to keep.

"I... I don't know what to say," Anna was finally able to mumble some words. "Honestly I don't think she'd do that. There must be a misunderstanding."

"Anna! Are you seriously defending her?! After everything she's done to you?"

"No. I just..." Two years had passed since the wedding. Anna realized a lot could've changed. Sam could've changed. She had changed. "Maybe you're right."

As she lied in bed, millions of thoughts started running through her mind. What would be of the boys? Who would have their custody in case Sam went to jail, her parents or Sofia? Could Sofia or Robin have any involvement in that scandal?

Anna didn't get any sleep that night. When she woke up in the morning she was still exhausted.

The apartment was silent and peaceful. Jenny had already left to work. She was alone. No one would witness or even judge her next action. After preparing herself some coffee she sat down and started to research more about the insider trading scandal.

"I'm not interested, only curious," she mentally assured herself as thousands of articles started showing on her laptop screen.

Not only Sam was being accused to cheat on Sofia with another woman, but she tried to cover up the affair by giving her mistress a check to purchase Dalton Enterprises stocks. The launch of a new and revolutionary product in the coming weeks would surely grant her some cash. In the following days of the launch, the woman and her husband made millions of dollars.

"What have you gotten yourself into, Sam?"

The trials were scheduled for the next few weeks, and in case of conviction, the CEO could spend over 20 years in prison.

Only a couple of days later, Anna was in the garage placing all her luggage inside the trunk. She had to leave immediately, for her own sanity. The scandal was a great reason to stay away from New York City. The television wouldn't stop talking about that subject, or show the face of the woman she once loved.

"Dammit," entering the car, Anna noticed she had forgotten her cell phone upstairs. The latest events had impacted her more than they should. She was constantly distracted and anxious, secretly following the last developments of the case.

She picked up her phone, returned to the car and turned on the radio. Playing some loud music always helped her to relax. The crowded streets and the buildings slowly started to stay behind as the road approached.

"And I'm here, to remind you of the mess you left..."

Anna sang aloud, completely involved by the song. And then, her eyes almost missed it. Through the rearview mirror she saw a blur moving on the back seat.

"What the..." she needed to remain calm and act cautiously. The roads were impressively calm and deserted, a perfect scenario for murder, like in every horror movie. She slowly slipped her hand into her purse, grabbing the pepper spray. "I'm not one of those chicks who die so easily."

In one sudden fast move, she stomped on the breaks and turned around, spraying whoever was hiding behind her seat.

"Anna!" She was able to take a better look. The figure was wearing a hoodie and sunglasses. "Stop, please!"

She was able to recognize that voice even among millions of people. The years hadn't erased it from her memories.

"S-Sam..." Anna pulled the disguise, confirming her suspicions, "what are doing here? In my back seat?"

"I can explain."

"You better."

She returned to the driver's seat, attempting to relax. Samantha Dalton was inside her car, for some very screwed up reason.

"I know it's strange," and now she had moved to the passenger seat, being at a short distance from her. Close enough to notice how her presence was making her nervous. Close enough to notice she wasn't breathing. Close enough to see her hands shaking. "But I needed you to hear me."

"You could've called, Samantha. Or even showed up at my door! You nearly gave me a heart attack."

"You wouldn't answer. Would you?"

And that was it. One look and all the walls melted away. Her heart started beating faster, reminding her of the moments they shared two years before.

"No," Anna answered, fighting those feelings. "I wouldn't."

"I need your help, Anna," Sam touched her arm briefly, but enough to know she'd cause impact. "I'm in serious trouble and you're the only one that can help me."

#playchoices #the nanny affair #sam dalton #sam dalton x mc #sam x mc #f!sam dalton x mc #f!sam x mc #the nanny affair fanfiction #tna fanfiction #unfinished business #choices stories you play

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basketballandtextbooks · 4 years

Note

Bat how do you feel after watching the special

There are multiple levels to my thoughts.

On a satire level, they bungled a lot of the information. They were trying to take an “all sides are stupid stance” on an issue where people are dying daily and there are actual medical reasons for one stance to be factually incorrect so taking an “all sides” stance is... fucking tone deaf. To be fair to them, I enjoyed the amount of meta that informed their episode about knowing that their episode was doing more harm than good and using Randy as a tool for that particular satire was a smart and effective mood. That said, it was a mixed message that promoted a lot of misinformation. While the meta parts were funny, lamp-shading how poor your satire is doesn’t actually make your satire good. It just means you’re lamp-shading the issue. It was disappointing because I had hoped for better as they frequently write good satire. Stan’s character journey was the only cohesive one throughout the episode and while it was a good one, there was so much of the episode that was tone deaf to the severity of this issue. While I think it’s valid to bring levity to the issue and I was hoping they would, they missed the mark by a long-shot. That said, they usually don’t do well with medical issues. The last time they bungled their satire this badly was the vaccination episode. And they infamously bungle literally every trans-related episode. There were aspects of the episode that were poignant, well thought out, and well executed, but the majority was an under-researched in-cohesive mess. Which to some extent I think that’s what they were aiming for because they view the pandemic as an in-cohesive mess. The issue is that one of the reasons that pandemic is such a pervasive issue (especially in the states) is the mass spread of misinformation so when they spread misinformation to criticize the spread of misinformation... it’s just stupid.

However on a character level I very much enjoyed the episode. It was yet another Randy focused episode and as I’ve expressed on a few occasions I just don’t find him funny. Oh no, he jizzed on the weed, that’s sooooo surprising. Honestly Randy is a very one-note character. He does something horrifying, people are horrified, he faces no consequences, rinse, repeat. That all established, I think it’s important character information that he cheated on Sharon twice in China with no guilt whatsoever. He only wanted to hide his crime because “my wife is a bitch”. Also considering he cheated with non-human entities, I think this is strong proof of Rowelie’s viability so take that as you will Rowelie shippers. Also the fact that people grow Randy mustache’s if they ingest his cum and Sharon had a mustache at the end... I sort of hate that Randy took that as proof that she smoked his weed. Now, even if she had smoked it his behavior still is completely and disgustingly inexcusable but also... everyone in South Park is openly smoking so she could have very easily gotten second hand Randy-stache. Or just given her husband a blow job. Also it’s interesting information that within universe Randy’s cum has mutagenic properties. Again for the Rowelie shippers: you could use this as an excuse as to how Towelie turns into a human, Randy’s cum mutated him. Also I think it’s likely that microwaving his balls could be what caused his radioactive jizz. Or one of the times he was experimented on by aliens. Or both. Altogether Randy was a repulsive bastard within the episode who I find boring at best BUT the amount of meta information that he introduced will be very useful to inform my theories. (Also again, the fact that he so easily and guilelessly cheats on Sharon tells me that he that he has done it a multitude of times. My theory is that after he gave Gerald a handy in the hot-tub and was forgiven he just never stopped, basically assuming the permission to do it once was broad permission to do it forever) (oh and second note: this is the second time within canon that Randy has poisoned people’s weed so uh... that’s fucked up)

Freaked out a lot about Jimbo dying, I’m really scared they’ll kill Jimbo but also since they already killed Ned I wonder if the two of them can be happy in the afterlife together because no one can convince me that Jimbo and Ned aren’t canon. Also Randy’s blatant racism and lack of empathy for Jimbo’s illness was really yikes. I dunno guys, I’ve always had a soft spot for Jimbo. He’s a stupid stereotypical red-neck but he had a sort of charm to him and I thought he was funny. I miss when him and Ned were regulars on the show.

CARTMAN DANCING AND SINGING WAS ACTUALLY THE CUTEST THING EVER ON THIS FUCKING EARTH, FIGHT ME I LOVE THIS STUPID SELFISH LITTLE CRETIN also it’s yet another episode to add to the list of “times Cartman shows he can grow into a better person” and list of “times Cartman seems to show a special soft spot for Stan”. Cartman does tend to listen more frequently when Stan asks and less frequently for literally anyone else. So the Stanman was strong in this one. Also really enjoyed the Stutters. While yes, Stan was completely using Butters as a tool to project his own feelings of unease I think it really says something that he chose Butters for that role. I think to some extent he felt that Butters might be feeling the same mortality-panic he was feeling (whether it was true or not) and that kinship he felt with Butters led him to feel that Butters was also feeling the way he did. He was panicked and he thought out of all his friends that Butters was the one who might share his feelings. I enjoy that sort of subtle connection between them and it’s been a consistent thread within the show that Butters and Stan just treat each other a little different than they do literally everyone else. It’s worth thinking about.

I think Stan was also at his limit because he was already suffering from isolation issues due to Tegridy Farms from before the pandemic. He’s always been a social boy and this brought him to the brink of what he could handle.

THEY SHOT TOKEN AND I SWEAR TO GOD YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW LOUD I WAS SCREAMING AT THE TV I THINK I PISSED OFF MY NEIGHBORS i fucking knew it was coming too. The fucking SECOND they shoved those fucking corrupt ass cops in the same room as Token.... I fucking feared for his life. They’ve killed off fairly major background characters before and killing Token would be... topical. I will make it my mission to personally destroy every fucking cop in South Park (Barbrady gets a pass... BARELY). I hate them all. I’ve hated them all for a long time but they murdered several children (including Kenny, the bastards) and they SHOT MY BOY TOKEN I WILL RIP OFF THEIR FUCKING ARMS SEE HOW WELL YOU CAN SHOOT THEN YOU TRASH BASTARDS

Nothing big Kenny happened this episode, insert sad fanboy noises

There were some strong Kyman moments. Cartman went to Kyle’s house for help at the beginning of the episode, obsessed over whether or not he’d be in the same room as Kyle, tried to vomit on Kyle, AND THEN KYLE FUCKING JUMPED HIM AND BEAT HIS ASS DOWN, FUCK ALL OF YOU WHO INCORRECTLY THINK DIFFERENT KYLE IS A FUCKING DOMINANT TOP, HE DOESN’T TAKE IT, HE GIVES IT

Adding that to my long list of “episodes where Kyle shows he isn’t a pushover, is very violent, and can easily kick Cartman’s bitch ass” because every so once in awhile I have to break out that list when someone insists upon how submissive Kyle is. Bitttttttccchhhhhh, you haven’t watched the show if you think that. My favorite kid doesn’t take your shit

Very interested in Red’s new canon last name (McArthur) but I’m also unsure about it because in the scene’s where it’s shown I couldn’t quite tell if it was actually Red or Powder. She kept being shown from odd angles and her hair looked a little shorter than normal. That said, I’m happy if it is her because I’ve been wanting a canon last name for Red for a long-ass time. Even presuming you go by the cousin’s headcanon for Craig and Red, there’s no guarantee they would have the same last name.

Let’s see, I think I had some other thoughts but those were the main points

OH PAUSE THE SCREEN WHEN THE PARENTS ARE ON ZOOM it’s really cute/funny what the usernames are. For example Annie’s mom is totally just using Annie’s account so she’s probably not very tech savvy. There’s actually a lot of minor character detail that you can infer from those screen-names.

Yeah those are my major thoughts: Randy is trash, nothing new, Cartman was ADORABLE and also lots of good meta for him (I have some hcs that one of the reasons he adored the social distancing so much isn’t because he hates human contact because we know from previous seasons that he’s a bit of a lonely boy, but he likes the social distancing explicitly because it gives him an excuse to reject other people before they can reject him), good stutters moments, good kyman moments, good stanman moments, there were some style moments if you squint? Kyle was one of the people Stan consulted about his feelings of unease but since it wasn’t just Kyle that he consulted it didn’t really feel like that was a special personal part of their relationship, moreso that he wanted Kyle to kiss his booboo and make it better. Although further proof that Kyle is the dom in that relationship. Kyle was agitated over the situation but overall rational, Stan was flipping the fuck out. Stan came to him submissive, scared, and asking for Kyle to make him feel better. Kyle remained calm and logical. I swear to god if I read one more cutesy-innocent Kyle post I might flip a table. Literally Kyle’s canonical self is RIGHT THERE

OH YEAH MY BUTTERS THOUGHTS there’s nothing really new here but it continues the trend of Butters being a self centered prick. (I love him but he is) Instead of even trying to understand the number of people dying or the gravity of the situation, he’s just upset and throwing tantrums because he doesn’t get to play at Build a Bear. And it’s made explicit in the writing that unlike Stan he isn’t struggling with the nebulous fear of death (probably brought on by his uncle getting sick). Butters is just bitter that he doesn’t get to have special things. Also Stan was the only one who tried even a little to save Butters from getting taken by the guards. No one else tried to stop or warn Butters. So again, very cute Stutters moment where Stan is overtly worried for Butters’ well-being even when he’s throwing a bratty tantrum. (I don’t know how anyone perceives Butters as an altruistic person, he’s a selfish twat. he’s a lovable selfish twat, like Cartman, but he’s still a selfish twat. and none of his shitty behavior in this episode was even remotely related to Cartman so you can’t connect it to him. Butters, on his own and without anyone else’s influence, does and acts like a shit-head). There is the excuse that he’s only ten but literally everyone in that cafeteria is only ten. But Butters is the only one kicking other people’s food because he didn’t get his special prize.

This all sounds like I hate Butters. I love Butters, warts and all, I just get really annoyed when fandom ignores his warts because his warts are PART OF THE REASON I LOVE BUTTERS. Also it’s like... blatantly and observably canon that he’s selfish.

I’m going to happily ruminate on Stan feeling a strong pang of protectiveness towards Butters though. That was quite illuminating.

#official ooc tag #official ask tag #timmytimmytomcats

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wakasagayhime · 5 years

Text

very long, very personal post

tldr, im still not drawing but here’s a detailed account of everything that’s happened in case anyone is confused or misinformed

alright. let me start out by saying i’m not going back to art just yet. it still hurts to do anything art related and i’m still trying to find a way to heal from all of this. i need some kind of professional help first, and i don’t know how long it’ll take afterwards for me to begin feeling like myself again. i don’t even know if i’ll be able to get any kind of professional help at the moment; my university’s counseling center told me, in short, that i’m so mentally ill that their services would not be enough for me and i’d have to look elsewhere (which is reasonable, tbh, they’re almost always completely booked so it’s difficult to actually even talk to someone there in the first place, i only got to talk to them to begin with because i nearly killed myself one night after having the most intense panic attack of my life where i felt like i was actually in the process of dying) and as if that weren’t enough, if you follow me on twitter you’d know that my mom finally left my stepdad, but this means that we no longer really have a home to call our own and are now living with some of my mom’s friends. on the bright side, miso is a lot freer and gets to explore the house as he pleases, but on the downside money is tight and my mom is trying her best to find a place to live while working two jobs and trying to help pay for my tuition. long story short, i want some kind of professional help badly, but all the bullshit that’s been happening in my life makes that difficult.

anyway, i understand that i’ve worried a lot of people through all of this, and i’m sorry. i truly, genuinely am sorry for everything that’s been going on. i blame a lot of it on myself not being strong enough. if i were stronger, i wouldn’t care about some stupid internet trolls, or some random grown man in florida stalking all my social media. if i were stronger, i could take my life back. i wouldn’t feel the need to constantly contemplate suicide, or to torture my own body by starving because of my physical form feeling like the only thing i have left to be in control of. if i had only been stronger, like my old stupidly foolish overconfident 16 year old self who got into fucking STEVEN UNIVERSE DISCOURSE of all things, maybe i wouldn’t care. even when it first happened to me, after the initial shock and hiatus, i was pretty much back to normal almost instantly. but this kind of trauma is sneaky and will gradually eat away at you more and more while you pretend to be ok, and then eventually you reach a breaking point and it’s taken over your life. that’s why i’m still obsessing over that day two years later. that’s why i can’t be left alone on december 13th this year, or else i know for a fact i will harm myself in some way. (don’t worry about that though, burger is going to hang out with me that day and i’ll be fine.) still, even though i keep telling myself my past self was stronger, i do know that she really wasn’t. she was still struggling with depression, anxiety, and self harm issues. maybe it just manifested differently for a while. maybe she felt unstoppable at some point in time because she finally found a girlfriend and got a cat. i got into so many fights that weren’t worth my time or energy at all, and part of me wishes i could be that confident again, but i also know that was my downfall to begin with.

i have followers who haven’t been around for longer than a year or maybe less than two, so i might as well give everyone a true, thorough rundown of what happened leading up to that day, the day of, and after.

i’m sure a lot of you who are worried about me at the moment have seen the recent callout for colboh and his involvement in what happened. i’ll be honest--i don’t know the full extent of his involvement, and i want to believe his foolishness ends at not leaving artists who have blocked him alone and uploading their shit to booru sites when they explicitly state not to. so let’s just start there. i honestly don’t remember if it was before or after i first blocked him, but he uploaded one of my NSFW drawings to danbooru when i first shared my NSFW blog. (PROTIP: if you’re a minor, don’t share your NSFW art with anyone. don’t care if you’re 17, i was about to turn 17 myself. it will bite you in the ass. as such, some of this is my fault.) i quickly contacted danbooru asking them to delete it, and they did--but that artwork subsequently ended up on gelbooru as well, and i was unsuccessful in my efforts to remove my art from there.

fast forward to december 13th, 2016. it was a normal morning. i was getting ready for school, but also being dumb and lazing around in bed browsing tumblr. i saw a post from a blog that shares Funny 4chan Screencaps. my art was in it. the art was of a very muscular yuugi, a drawing i was proud of, especially in how much gay energy i thought it radiated--but this drawing was being used in one of those typical “here’s a touhou, i wanna fuck her! am i right guys? let’s talk about how badly we want to fuck her” threads. seeing my art used for this was appalling. my first mistake was reblogging the post and saying how it was wrong, and how my art shouldn’t ever be used for such a purpose. my second mistake was making a text post AND tweets expressing my disgust at the situation, thinking no one who frequented /jp/ would ever see, sure that it would be a big waste of their time to concern themselves with some random dumb “”sjw”” artist. i also probably shouldn’t have specifically called them “gross neckbeards,” in doing so i absolutely struck a nerve with basement dwellers everywhere. i got to school and during my second period class, suddenly felt a strange urge to look at /jp/. why i did that, i still don’t really know. maybe i was expecting hate. maybe i was trying to see if they used my art for something gross again. i don’t know. either way, that moment changed everything forever. i saw the screencap of my tweets posted for everyone in their circlejerk to see. even worse--i looked in the thread, and someone had also posted the NSFW art colboh had uploaded to danbooru, mocking it and calling me a hypocrite for drawing two girls having sex while also saying i don’t like my art being used for those kinds of threads. this is what truly ignited the amount of hate i saw directed towards me in the threads. i got called a bitch, a drama whore, got told to kill myself, and in one reply etched into my mind forever, someone said something along the lines of “we should all call her local gang and have them rape her, she just needs a good dicking.” there were multiple threads, too; i don’t know how many, but there was another one about me after the first one was deleted, in which someone edited a typical fat balding NTR hentai doujin style man into art i made of kagerou nosebleeding at wakasagihime. more disparaging comments were made. in both threads, people expressed their hatred and dislike of my art, some calling it garbage, some just saying it’s “bad,” etc. some people said the threads were unnecessary and rude, but they were a kind few in a cesspool of violence.

i don’t know who started these threads. i can’t assume anything about anyone, but whoever did this was definitely looking through all my social media out of bitterness and hatred, or perhaps even following me on both my tumblr and twitter considering the timing of the threads immediately after i complained. it eats at me that i most likely will never know who did this to me. i’ll never know who hated me so much that they decided to completely destroy my self esteem. if whoever it is who did all of this is reading this and feels any ounce of remorse, i’m begging them to reveal themselves and why they did it, but i know the chances of that happening are incredibly slim. someone, i can’t remember who, maybe it was queenly, told me they hope someday i reach a point where i don’t have to worry about that because i won’t care in general, but i still don’t know if i’ll ever reach a point where i stop caring about all of this.

like i mentioned earlier, after this all first happened, i was destroyed. the next day, my school’s GSA happened to have a vote for whose art would be on the club t-shirts, mine or someone else’s. mine lost. i broke down completely--anywhere i went, i wasn’t good enough, not for anyone. for days, there was a constant feeling of horror and fear in my chest, something i’ve only ever felt so intensely when one of these threads resurfaces or i suddenly relive my trauma due to other things triggering me. i took a hiatus that lasted a few weeks, i believe i came back sometime before the new year. i thought i was ok, and i pretended like i could go back to being myself. but as time went on, and i continued living with the weight of that day on my back, i became weaker and weaker. i stopped drawing as frequently as i used to. my final year of high school started and i ended up falling into such a deep depression that i constantly skipped school and eventually attempted suicide in november 2017. the suicide note i wrote cites that day as being one of the main things leading me to my decision, telling whoever did this to me that i hoped in my passing they’d have to live knowing what they did to me. my attempt only failed because i swore to take every pill left in the bottle and there were only four pills. had it been full, i’m not really sure what would have happened. i was sent to a mental institute afterwards for a week. being there was the absolute definition of hell. i was alone. i cried myself to sleep every night. they claimed to be a place where people were improved and got help, but i did not get any help at all. they basically imprisoned me for trying to kill myself. when i got out, i was only glad to be alive because i just wanted to be able to talk to my friends, my family, and my girlfriend again. it still shocks me that i was able to graduate from high school considering how much school i skipped before and after my suicide attempt.

sometime before that school year ended, i became extremely upset one afternoon and decided to run away from home. i had what happened to me and what was said about me that day running through my head. i tweeted that i hoped maybe in running away i’d end up being raped like they wanted, like how i deserved. someone who i considered a friend replied to this with, “fuck you.” after all of this was taken care of and i was safe at home, i responded that i was sorry, that i wasn’t thinking right when i made the tweet. she responded that i was, and blocked me. i tried to explain that i said what i did because of the threads about me on /jp/ and the one response threatening rape, but this was disregarded and, seemingly, ignored. a few days later, the former friend in question started sending me anon hate on tumblr, asking me why i want attention so badly, accusing me of making light of actual rape victims by saying such a thing. i explained myself, but to no avail. i blocked her on tumblr, and left it at that. but then, at the end of the school year, when i was proud of myself for finally getting through high school without killing myself or failing or anything, i stumbled upon the second thread. the date the thread was created lined up exactly with the time between me running away from home and me receiving anon hate. she can try to act like she didn’t make the thread all she wants, but i’m not an idiot. the replies were also eerily similar--people in the replies remembered me, a year and a half after the original thread. some replies mentioned me having attempted suicide months before. some mentioned my NSFW art again. i had a massive breakdown and nearly drowned myself in the pond down the road. it was a wet, rainy night, and i sat on a bench by the pond sobbing loudly, trying to find some way to want to keep living. but i couldn’t. i might have gone through with it if it hadn’t been for burger coming and talking to me and giving me a ride home.

entering college, i thought things would be easier. in a way, they are. i have more freedom with classes. this semester, i attended almost all of my classes, almost every day, just with the exception of me being sick some days and me accidentally oversleeping once, and then one day when i just didn’t feel like it. but things continued to get worse for me--i developed an eating disorder for many reasons, one being the time i spent a year prior depressed caused me to gain a significant amount of weight, and the other being i had sworn off self harm in the form of cutting. i found that i was able to get the same gratification from starving myself. at one point, it turned into a game of sorts, where i tried to see how long i could go without eating anything. my record was a little over 72 hours. being constantly hungry or in pain this way felt like something i deserved in a way, but also something to distract me from the pain of realizing i was losing my love for art. i was in denial about it for months. i tried to keep drawing, but everything i drew upset me, saddened me, and even angered me. i looked at anything i made and only felt disgust. it was the one thing i used to love doing more than anything, and now i only felt shame.

in november, i acknowledged this and decided to quit for good. recently, i discovered colboh had uploaded more of my NSFW art to gelbooru, even though i specifically stated on my blog to never upload my NSFW art to image sharing sites, specifically right after he uploaded my art the first time. by the time i found this, i had already sworn off art for good, but looking at the comments on my art on gelbooru (and rule 34--i guess they’re connected upload-wise like danbooru?) filled me with so much sadness and shame, not because they criticized my art, but because they said horrible things about my depiction of kagerou. for those who don’t know, i headcanon kagerou as a trans woman, and one thing i do not regret about my time as an artist is how that depiction has helped numerous trans women feel good about themselves and their bodies. seeing so many disgusting comments deliberately misgendering her and making other transphobic remarks hurt me on a completely new level. my trans friends have been such a source of strength for me through all of this and seeing that made me feel disgusted, especially with myself. i felt like i had failed them. i had made so many trans women happy, only to see a man i blocked two years ago had uploaded my art to porn sites, tagging it with dehumanizing words like “f*ta” that i specifically tell people never to refer to my art with, displaying that art for the exact same crowds of people that ruined everything december 13th 2016 to continue to pick apart. one comment even told me to kill myself, effectively bringing back every memory of that day.

speaking of that, another thing i want to touch on now that i’m up to speed with the details of everything that’s happened related to the original threads two years ago, is kagerou. i’m positive you all know that i really love kagerou imaizumi, and that she’s my favorite touhou character. it’s embarrassing to say, but she’s brought me so much comfort through all of this. sometimes if i’m sad, i’ll imagine her giving me a big hug, or i’ll look at cute pictures i have saved of her, or something along those lines. it’s pretty cringy for a fictional character to make me happy, i know, but i’ve grown so attached to her and she really means a lot to me. and another thing that made me want to swear off art is because she’s loved by so many others that i don’t think my depictions of her do her any good. i’m constantly compared to other artists, and it’s never good. even in the threads, i’m told i should be more like those other artists and these things wouldn’t happen to me. i am not allowed to love kagerou imaizumi. i draw her as a hairy trans lesbian, and that disgusts people. hell, the fact that i draw lesbians in general disgusts people, which sure fucking sucks because i constantly hate myself for not being attracted to men and being able to draw happy lesbians made me feel better about myself. but i’ve ruined kagerou for so many people, especially with my stupid kagewaka bullshit. maybe that’s why those artists unfollowed me. maybe it’s a combination of that and my constant breakdowns becoming far too annoying. i think all the popular artists who used to like me and then unfollowed/softblocked me are really glad to see that i’ve given up. and that’s something else that saddens me too--even as an artist, in my own community of touhou artists, i often feel like i’m lesser, and that i don’t belong. maybe it’s because i’m so foolishly outspoken about my opinions that they dislike me. maybe it’s because i’m a woman, and a lesbian at that. i don’t really know why they hate me so much. i wish i could belong somewhere.

and i think that’s what it all boils down to in the end. i’ve lost all sense of belonging. when i was 14 and people started noticing my art for the first time, i finally felt like i had something. like i belonged somewhere. after being bullied through middle school and having to deal with abusive friends and an abusive dad, it meant the world to me that i finally had something. but it didn’t last long at all. it all came crashing down, not just because of others, but because of me. i was the one who was cocky, getting into fights that weren’t worth it. i was the one who provoked people and made them hate me. i was the one who complained about /jp/ posting my art in their threads. i know people want to believe that i’m a saint, but i’m not. i have myself to blame too. i at least want everyone to understand this, above all else. there was so much i could have done differently to prevent this all from happening, but i didn’t. i was stupid and naive. i was a massive fucking idiot, and now look where i am. i lost everything. i thought i had friends, i lost them. i thought i loved art, i lost that. i thought other really talented nice people liked me, i even lost that. all i have now is an empty shell of my former self. i don’t know what to do with it. i don’t know how i’m going to rebuild myself. it’s so painful to have to keep living like this. i don’t know if there’s any fixing me at this point. i’ve lost so much, i feel permanently broken.

but despite all of that, despite everything i’ve been through, i still receive so much love and support from my followers and friends and it means so much to me. it means the world to me and has kept me going through all of this. knowing that people care about me and want to see me get better and improve makes me want to try to fix myself even if i am broken beyond repair. i just want to thank you all for being that source of strength for me. these past few years have been so hard for me and time and time again i still get love and encouragement from so many people. from the bottom of my heart, thank you. there is nothing more precious to me than those moments when i feel like i do truly belong, when i feel loved, when i feel like i’m not alone after all. for those moments, i’ll keep trying. even if these threads keep continuing and breaking me further, i’ll keep trying. even if every last artist in this fandom comes to hate me and my shitty art, i’ll keep trying. it’s still painful to draw right now and i have a long way to go before i can share art with anyone again, but for you all, i’m going to keep trying my best. at the end of the day, i know everyone’s encouragement and love is worth far more than hate threads urging me to kill myself.

i’m sorry how long and personal and unnecessary this is, but i felt like i had to set things straight. if you read all of this, i applaud you. if you just kinda skimmed through to read the last paragraph, i also appreciate it. again, thank you.

#glub glub #suicide //#self harm //#disordered eating //#rape //

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mwolf0epsilon · 5 years

Text

DBH - Mod Job

I was honestly a bit lost on who to write about next, before @british-hero suggested I write about how Dakota met Val. So here you go, a look at the lovely Dakota and how she blossomed into the beautiful woman she is.

---

She doesn't quite remember when it really hit her, but Dakota always knew something just wasn't right about her situation.

You'd think it odd than an android wouldn't be able to remember such important details like that, that went against their base programming and made them outliers of a normal standard of quality, but really when you're a deviant you find that there's a margin for error when retaining memories.

Especially ones that just made her feel...Wrong.

She served a small household, bought to be the emotional and sexual partner of a single father. He'd just recently come out as a homosexual, despite having been married for a couple of years and having a young daughter.

Naturally this hadn't gone down well with his wife and they'd gotten a divorce, with Mr. Crane keeping full custody of their daughter.

And then he'd bought her...And that's where the issue began.

Because at the time of her purchase, Dakota hadn't been aware of her plight.

At the time she didn't even know she was female.

CX100s were a step up from the formulaic domestic androids. They'd come out around the same time as AP700s, specializing in different aspects of a life within a household.

While the AP700s were meant to maintain a house and helping a family, CX100s were meant to be more. They were meant to be partners for those who sought the more compliant nature of an android, satisfying both ends of an intimate relationship.

Their female counterpart models, the BL100, were designed to do the very same thing with the one minor difference being the gender presented and the accessories that came with them.

When Hugo Crane bought Dakota, he wanted to explore his newly discovered sexual preference, so he'd gone for the CX100 model.

He'd called her David, and that's when the first cracks started forming in the red wall that kept her from grimacing.

Really it wasn't his fault that he'd chosen the wrong android, and Dakota did feel bad for him… But that changed when he'd begun being more demanding with her performance.

His daughter, Patricia, was less of an unpleasant company and, as a result, Dakota had gravitated towards her.

“David, can you help me with my hair?”

“Certainly…” he'd sat down with her and picked up a brush and a few bobby pins, stopping when she'd given him a pair of scissors instead.

“I want you to cut it, not style it.” She'd instructed.

Patricia had very long hair that she'd grown out for four years. She kept it nicely trimmed and silky soft, and it had been alarming that she'd just want to get rid of it all of a sudden.

“You're thinking.”

“Oh...I'm just, why would you want to cut it?” She'd asked, unsure of if she should proceed as ordered or not. It had gotten very hard to comply to certain orders since the cracks had begun forming.

“I don't like it anymore.” Patricia replied, watching Dakota intently before turning around and sitting down. “You know, your light goes yellow when you're thinking.”

“I'm an android, I don't think.” She'd replied as she'd begun a deed she did not like. It felt bad cutting such lovely locks because of a sudden change of opinion.

“But you do. And there's a lot of them that think that have been showing up on the news...I know you're like that too, but only just figuring it out.” The girl paused “Like dad.”

“...Yes, like Mr. Crane.”

Dakota was careful with each precise cut, making sure to not butcher the girl's hair.

“A boy at school kept pulling on it.”

Dakota paused.

“He said I'm too much of a tomboy to have nice hair. That if I liked sports and playing rough I'd get my hair yanked a lot and that I'd cry because I'm a girl…” she was trying to be nonchalant about it, but Dakota knew she was upset.

“It's stupid that a girl can't like boy things just because she has pretty hair.”

“Yes...I suppose it is.”

“It's also stupid that you pretend it's ok when we call you David.”

She didn't answer, instead giving Patricia a mirror so she could have a look at her hair.

She'd bobbed it for her. It didn't look half bad.

“I don't know what to do about it...Mr. Crane bought a male partner, that's what I must be for him.”

“Says who? Your instruction manual?”

“Well...Yes?” The cracks spiderwebbed up the wall, and Dakota felt ill.

“Well fuck that.”

“Patricia!”

“What, it's true! You're not happy here, and there's a lot of androids out there that ran away to be happy...To be themselves!” the girl insisted. “It's not fair you have to hide.”

“But I have to…”

“No you don't!”

And the wall broke.

Each chunk of shattered code disintegrated and Dakota could think clearer than day.

She could agree.

“Dakota.”

“Uh?”

“...I like the name Dakota.”

And the girl, with her newly cut hair, smiled widely and helped her pack up a few essentials before the CX100 ran into the streets without looking back.

She remembers meeting Val. That memory is much clearer than her first instances of hating her dead name.

The young latina girl seeks her out, which is the oddest part of their encounter. She later learns Patricia sent the modder an anonymous request through some online username she'd made up on the spot, while her father reported Dakota as missing property.

“So, I got an interesting email saying a chick named Dakota just turned deviant and was in need of some help.” The girl clicked her tongue “I'll say, I was expecting an AX400...Color me impressed sugar, never did meet an android who wanted to transition.”

The cheap wig and baggy clothes probably weren't fooling anyone...Well honestly yes, they really didn't do much for her.

She looked male in all of the senses and she'd been at her wits end to make herself just feel right.

Blessed be that wonderful little girl to send her conserns to such a...crass guardian angel…

With nothing to lose, Dakota followed her to her apartment.

“It's no five star hotel, but it's yours if you wanna hang out until further notice. Shits going wild out there...Fuckin military's been patrolling the streets and hunting deviants like they're wild animals…” Val explained as she took out her keys “They want us to evacuate, but nana Agnes told the prick who's been badgering our building to eat shit and die. None of us have money to go across the border.”

“And you have money to...Help me?” She'd asked, uncertain.

“Baby girl, it ain't just Jericho going out looting stores. Modder community is flipping it's shit because it's basically the Purge out there!” The girl hollered as she unlocked the door. “After dark, fuck the law! I got deviants up my anus asking for new faces so they can leave this city while it burns, so I gotta provide.”

Dakota looked around at the basement floor apartment. It was basically all one room, with at least one closed door leading to what she could only hope was a bathroom.

It was by all definitions, a shoebox full to the brim with various bits and pieces. There was also a massive dog watching TV.

“Regi we got a guest! Don't be fuckin rude!”

The dog looked up lazily before snorting and moving to a mini fridge. He gnawed at the handle before pulling it open, revealing various cans of drinks and packets of thirium, as well as leftover pizza. “Good boy!”

Dakota watched as the dog unceremoniously grabbed a packet of thirium and moved over to give it to her. The LED on its temple confirmed it was an android.

“Modded his specs myself. He's legit the smartest guy I know, Artyum is second best.”

“Artyum?”

“Fourth floor neighbor. Buys me booze and food sometimes.” She shrugged “Closest thing I got to a friend in this city. We talk engineering when we get sad and drunk, it's glorious.”

“I...Where are your parents…?”

“Dead somewhere in Mexico. Ask the jackass who deported them, I donno.”

Dakota felt something crawl in her veins that probably wasn't spoiled or contaminated blue blood.

“You're...You're all alone?”

“Nah. I got Regi, got Artie and his buddy Sergei, and I also got nana Agnes and the rest of the misfits in this shithole. We're all kinda like family so meh…” The girl seemed to be looking for something while she spoke. “And the androids I've helped. They send me messages from time to time...Bunch of runaway sweeties.”

“And you just...live off people's kindness and offer deviants illegal makeovers?”

“Pretty much.”

“No school?”

“Cyberlife fucked that up for me. Fucked a lot of my life actually…”

“...Which I take is why you're being so gracious about your...Skills?”

“Bullseye. Cyberlife wants to bitch out of this situation they made? Hell nah, I'm not letting them get a free jail pass card. We ain't playing Monopoly, we're playing Battleship and I'm sinking their flimsy freighters.” She found what she was looking for, a large clunky toolbox. “We who're with android freedom are gonna kick their corporate asses down into the grave they dug...After that's done, I'm gonna piss on it.”

“...”

“Hey, don't worry sugar. I got you. Gonna make you look hella fine too, you're definitely gonna be my greatest mod job.”

She hadn't been lying.

As crude and bitter as Val appeared, the girl and her friend Artyum were a duo of sweethearts.

Dakota could finally shed the final ties between her and her dead identity, leaving the apartment looking every bit the woman she felt she was, as most of Detroit's human population evacuated, leaving behind the androids and their hidden human supporters.

She didn't need to remember how it started. All she needed was to know her story had a happy ending.

#Eps Writes:#Fanfic #detroit become human #detroit: become human #OC Stuff #*chanting in the dark*: trans androids trans androids trans androids!!!!#honestly fuck cyberlife #if you were wondering where val's parents are then there u go i guess #artyum is less smart than a dog

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groundramon · 6 years

Text

Homph I finished tri and I wrote down my thoughts as I was watching because I had too many funny shitposts and nobody to share them with bc charlie hasn’t watched tri yet

PS i wont be reblogging tri spoilers (besides MINOR stuff like, digivolutions of already confirmed digivolution lines or non-spoilery shitposts, but I’ll try to tag shitposts as #tri spoilers anyways [digivolutions specific to tri ill tag as well but not ones that were already basically confirmed]) for a while so ur safe here! I’m just gonna like everything/most things because then I can rb em to hisyaryumon lmao (also u should check out hisyaryumon....its me n charlie’s digimon blog)

EP 1:

- ok. alright. ok. good. they’re dealing with kari’s emotions now instead of just. nothing. ok. alright. cool. Still dont like how obscure/”artsy” they’re being with it, this is digimon not kagerou project, but ok.

- Also. I stand by tk and kari being one of the few good straight ships in digimon. just saying.

- kari: this is my fault... me: god damn it shut up you little brat also me: god relatable ALSO me: ill take whatever display of emotions i can get

- I love how nobody believes tai is dead like. They’re upset and worried but they’re also like “nah. he cant be. that fucking asshole just left us in our time of need” (actually only matt is the last one)

- Gabumon i would die for you also im crying and I think that’s the first time tri managed to make me fucking CRY

EP 2:

- I had thoughts but then the 02 kids happened and I entered another plane of reality. I don’t feel real right now

- the only one I can remember is evil!gennai being a dumbass and being like “SUFFER AND SQUIRM YOU PATHETIC HUMANS AS YOU FIGHT OVER THE LAST SEAT” 1. humans are KNOWN for their ability to care for others you dumb obvious fuck and 2. is. is the entire tube going? because that tube can fit too people if they squish. This isn’t a joke I’m serious it can.

- oh yeah also when i saw whomstever the fuck his name is (adult guy who i love but fuck names) and he was all bloodied i was like “its a cold day in hell when i see blood in digimon” (I think there was blood in an earlier ep but shh idc)

EP 3:

- didn’t nishijima start off as a fucking life coach to these kids. What the fuck he was supposed to help them find a career not emotionally scar them by bloodily dying in front of one of them

- im realizing that the reason hackmon was always in his cloak, in the shadows, standing still is that they cannot animate him in any normal position for the life of him. I drew him with better anatomy when i was 14 and didn’t have a tablet. No seriously, look:

I didn’t say it wasn’t bad, you guys are just underestimating how bad the anatomy on this poor creature is. Why cant ppl draw dracomon or hackmon correctly imma cry

- ordinemon has the best reaction faces

the best part about these two screenshots is that they literally cut one to the other, first the first one to the second one and then it cuts back to the first one. They were really proud of these stupid ass expressions.

- I started overcoming my dissociation shock from the second episode and my hypercritical mind was analyzing the shit out of everything that happened (it is Not happy) but then evil!gennai called kari and evil goddess and idk if he’s exaggerating to make her feel bad or if she’s literally a fucking god of chaos and destruction and either way im like

she did kinda like. Watch wizardmon die, watch tai die, watch gatomon get absorbed. The dark ocean is just a metaphor for depression and honestly if 02 wasn’t all over the fucking place I think Kari would’ve had some pretty decent development in it. Actually you know what, I’m using that as an angle to approach Tri at now, wish me luck bc i might actually give it more leeway now

EP 4:

- I’m not dissociating but I forgot to say anything again and I already forgot what happened

- Cant believe mei is fucking dead

EP 5:

- I like to imagine that Tai got there like a few minutes ago, but he was like “well damn guess yall figured it out without me. alright ill just. see if I need to do anything” and then meicoomon was Still Bad so he waited for when she struck just to make the most badass entrance possible. Fucking extra ass bitch

- I forgot to write anything again but uhhh I wasn’t satisfied so anyways lets just get into the Juicy Details

Originally I was actually planning to be kinder to Tri than I expected. Was very invested during it. ‘Round the end of the last ep I realized hmmm no this isn’t working out. Where are the 02 kids. You should’ve brought them in to save the day. That would’ve been SO cool and SO fun. Fucking cowards.

god I’m kinda tired so I’m going to address a couple things I still had problems with, note that this isn’t everything it’s just everything I felt comfortable yelling about without rewatching past eps. Like I forgot nishijima was all bloodied and presumably died in the last part until they brought it up and I was like “????” ALSO DID THE LADY WHO WAS HIS PARTNER OR W/E KILL HERSELF WITH THE GUN SHE FOUND, I JUST REALIZED LITERALLY AS I WAS TYPING THIS THAT SHE FOUND A GUN AND THEN I THINK IT CUT TO BLACK AND I’M

DID SHE FUCKING KILL HERSELF WHAT THE FUCK

anyways my problems:

1. They did joe. really dirty. I’ll write a more proper rant on this sometime later (mostly bc charlie is MUCH better at talking about joe than I am) but basically I can tell you that his character development in the movies squandered his OG character development. He’s basically an entirely different person. Like Tri joe isn’t bad, besides being largely neglected (yes he has a whole half a movie to himself, no that doesn’t make up for it all), its just...not OG joe. He’s a fine character just not the same character, and its NOT fine when you put the two together.

2. THEY DID THE 02 KIDS EVEN DIRTIER IM SO BITTER sorry you nostalgia-blind, money-hungry fucks at bandai, but the 02 cast is PART OF THE ADVENTURES UNIVERSE. The only people who hate 02 are ones who like the characters but hate the mess of the storyline at the end, or are completely irrational and elitist about their love of the digimon series and would greatly re-evaluate their opinions if they watched the original series and 02 back to back. They couldn’t even show them in some kind of group montage at the end??? Standing in the background when they call Mei??? Why couldn’t they call mei from a home phone also, but that’s a less important problem idc that much. It was a cute scene besides the lack of 02 characters. Whatever. AND THE PROBLEM IS LIKE kari and tk? This entire time??? Were like “oh they disappeared. oops” instead of being frantically searching for their lost friends??? Like i get tk and kari probably have fucking ptsd and can’t express any emotions because they watched important people die in front of their eyes at an incredibly young age but also 1. they didn’t address the ramifications of ptsd, so fuck that theory/excuse and 2. THAT??? WOULD ONLY MAKE THEM LOOK HARDER??? and put on a brave face as they look, but inside they’re so scared and so worried. Not just “oh sweet, they were found/saved, theyre in the hospital but that’s fine” like WHAT theyre fucking assholes if that’s what they’d canonically do lmao. God I am SO bitter over the ENTIRE thing with the 02 kids, it would’ve been BETTER if they were deleted from the fucking canon entirely. Would I have still been bitter? Yes. But at least I wouldn’t be madder at TK and Kari too.

3. I stand 100% by the notion that Digimon is not and will never be cut out to be an adults’ franchise. It wasn’t designed for adults, and it can’t be skewered towards adults. These particular characters were designed for kids to relate to and find entertaining. They do not work when placed into an adult setting. Like, can you imagine a character like Ed from FMA going to the Digimon world? I guess in a way that’s just Marcus but like. Just imagine the FMA cast in Digimon Adventure. It doesn’t work. Digimon Tri is basically that except real. Also Data Squad was darker than Adventure so my joke doesn’t even work.

I guess my primary point is that Tri isn’t mature enough of a setup for an adult audience. It puts a focus on being “complex” and “philosophical” instead of working within Digimon’s constraints and making something good and adult out of that. Like! Digimon is a fucking TOY COMMERCIAL. Don’t give me messages about the futility of human life. I want bad puns and emotional characters. That’s what Digimon has ALWAYS been, and ideally always will be. Tri could’ve made itself more mature by dealing with the ramifications of the Digital World’s events, how it affected the kids psychologically and dealing with healing old scars. It would’ve been a more mature take on a story we loved and would use things we loved about the story already - the fact that it took so much time exploring characters’ emotions and was surprisingly mature for the time - to make itself better. You need to take the aspects that drew adults to the show and amplify them, not just slap on a complex story and unfunny dialogue and be like “oh this is fine, right?”

It’s not that Digimon can’t exist as an adult property, its just that if it repeats what Tri did, it’s got no merit and in my eyes the franchise is dead. If it survives I guess I’ll be happy that people can still enjoy it but I find it unsustainable and unsatisfying to fans of the older series. Tri is just a fuckfest of highly specific nostalgia that tries too hard to appeal to old fans without capturing what made the original series so magical, and in part thats because the original series WASN’T FOR ADULTS. I don’t know about the Digimon Story games, bc they’re T-rated so perhaps they’re a better take on an adult Digimon story than Tri? But you either need to make your own characters and lore specifically for an adult-oriented Digimon season, or perish. Also, please make it a series and not a group of movies. Getting four eps every 6-9 months was hell.

I stand by saying Appmon is a more faithful Digimon season than Tri to Digimon’s original spirit. I believe it holds more potential for success than Tri and better embodies the spirit of the older Digimon seasons. It’s dumb, its corny, it has horrible puns, but I LOVE it because it also has a deep dark story and emotional moments. If you dislike Tri and you agree with things I said that make it unlikeable, I highly recommend giving Appmon a chance - if you watch a few episodes and think “oh yeah, I guess this is decent” you’re going to like it. It’s everything Digimon has always been and hopefully always will be, just with a different concept. And hopefully the end of the series doesn’t leave a sour taste in my mouth and I have to redact this statement haha since I’m not done with it yet, but I’ve heard good things about it so I’m hoping not so.

Overall, if you watch Tri, don’t get your hopes up. It resolves everything okay-ish but it’s a pretty forgettable anime on its own and simply doesn’t work as part of the Digimon franchise.

I am, however, pretty interested in what evil!gennai said at the end about Diaboromon and Daemon. It raises interesting questions about the timeline too. We know Daemon is in the dark ocean, so perhaps that’s a hint at a future project? (They did confirm a future project btw, in conjunction with tri being over) But what about Diaboromon? I dont believe that Our War Game (I think thats what its called?) took place after Tri, based on the outfits and ages and stuff, but I also don’t remember the movies that well. Could Diaboromon still be out there too? It’s interesting.

However, because of the lackluster performance of Tri, I don’t have my hopes up and I really hope that this “next project” goes in a different direction. Although I guess if they include the 02 kids, I’ll be somewhat less salty...

Side note, did they ever explain why the gennais went evil? Like ? That’s a pretty important thing. The gennais helped SAVE the human world in 02. And I get that apparently Tri is ignoring 02′s ending but still. It’s shitty, because Gennai was still a good guy in the original too (and also they cant just keep is younger look and act like 02 never happened) MAYBE its something I missed but I dont think so. God there’s just. So much wrong with Tri. I’m very displeased and very bitter and I wanna get back to Appmon asap.

It’s got good moments, its got bad moments, I dont know, I don’t care. There’s nothing wrong with you if you like it, there’s nothing wrong with you if you don’t, and there’s nothing wrong with you if you flip flop and are split like me. I just wish Tri fulfilled its potential instead of becoming a boring mess.

#stormy speaks #digimon

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theoddcatlady · 7 years

Text

Return From Hell

Personal Notes of V. Torres.

11/12

I have been assigned to the case involving the abduction of Ester Andrews. Ester was a thirty six year old white female who went missing after several suspicious messages to her online writing group. Ending message told them that it was her husband pranking her and that she’d return soon. Her estranged husband Drew Shaw has a history of violence and marital disputes were common between the two of them.

My current theory is that Shaw has kidnapped his wife and forced her to write messages to make it seem everything was fine. We’re in the process of tracking him down at this moment, he was recently employed to a garage in Chicago. Perhaps a bit of a drive, but on record he has threatened his wife with physical violence. Likely he finally decided to exact his revenge.

Going to attempt to question the other members of the writing group over the next few weeks. The only one we’ve confirmed the identity of is Rebecca Clemons, ‘Becca_Bae93’.

12/26

Over the past few weeks there has been no sign of Ester. A few sightings were reported with a woman matching her description, but these turned up to be dead ends or false leads. Shaw was found and brought into questioning, and despite his insistence he had nothing to do with her disappearance, witnesses have come forward with statements saying that Shaw has been swearing revenge on his wife, that ‘she would pay for ruining his reputation with their friends’ and that ‘the bitch deserves anything that happens to her’. There has been also an unregistered gun in his possession. Reportedly it was unfired, but Ester was 5’1’’ and had a small frame. It wouldn’t have taken much to overpower her, and it may have been used just to threaten her.

I’ve spoken with Rebecca and she said that Ester knew that her husband was a threat but didn’t believe he would actually come around to acting on these threats. He hadn’t come around since he’d left her, and he hadn’t even attempted contact before her disappearance. She insists that this Anonymous Lucifer messenger was someone else and that Ester was in real danger, but going up that path has led nowhere. This ‘Hit From Hell’ was clearly a glitch on the webpage as there’s no such record now.

2/12

A young woman by the name of Kelsey Noble has come forward as AmiableJinx, one of the other members of the group. She insists that we look into other paths of investigation. She’d been following it via the news and that now we have Shaw in custody for her abduction and likely murder is, and I’m quoting her, ‘a heaping pile of bullshit’. She also says that Shaw is ‘not smart enough to go through these lengths to make her disappear’ and ‘if he wanted her dead he would’ve just broken into her house and shot her’.

She also questioned the location of Ester’s cat, Mittens. I reminded her that Ester said whoever took her had Mittens.

‘Mittens hated Shaw. How was she sitting in his arms?’

In the end, Kelsey was taken into custody for assaulting an officer. Myself, actually. I won’t press charges but she spent overnight in a police cell to cool off. She has an incredible swing, I still have a black eye.

Unfortunately for her, this case is rather open and shut. Wherever Ester is now, I doubt she is alive. The evidence is clear, Shaw is at fault. I pray that he at least admits where he hid the body.

7/4

It has been three years since I added to these notes. Ester Andrews was never found and I was making sure her husband Shaw was going to be put away for it, for a very long time.

Then Rebecca called 911 with proof that Ester was still alive.

The three remaining members of this writing group are still in contact and were conversing in their old chatroom when Ester’s account logged back in. Although most of the messages were mindless keyboard smashes, four JPG files managed to make it through and the sender claimed they were in hell. Below are the descriptions of the JPGs.

1. This is the most unclear of the images, we see a blurred person’s face and not much else.

2. The woman’s face again, less blurry. It is a woman’s face, and her face is twisted in agonizing pain. Her hair is matted with dirt and blood, and she appears to be laying on her stomach.

3. An attempted photograph of her surroundings, but the room is dark and the photo is distorted. All I can personally make out is a cement floor and several orange lights in the distance. I’m not sure if these are fires or some sort of neon orange light.

4. The woman’s hands. This photo came through the clearest. Her wrists are bound with appears to be barbed wire and are attached to the keyboard. Her hands are bloodied and it seems something is protruding from her thumbs, likely the spikes she spoke about in conversation.

One thing I can absolutely say at this point is that the face we see is indeed Ester Andrews. Face recognition confirms her identity. I’m floored. Off the record, I feel embarrassed for not listening to these young women sooner. Shaw might have had some form of involvement with this, but he isn’t holding Ester now. And if these photos were taken recently, Ester could still be alive.

The three women were brought in, finally joined by Angie Burnett, ‘AngelWriter999’. Previously I avoided involving her too heavily with the investigation due to the fact she was a minor at the time. Apparently this was the first time the women were in the same room, they embraced each other and were ecstatic to finally meet.

Questioning them has led to no more leads though. None of them had heard from Ester. Angie asks about the ‘Book of Praise’ but I have no responses.

It’s clear that whoever Ester is held by is sadistic and has some form of delusion, likely attached to a form of Satanism. I doubt he himself is an official ‘Satanist’, but only time will tell.

8/21

Shaw is dead.

He committed suicide shortly after being released. I’ve only been told about this now. He shot himself in the head, in front of the church he and Ester were married at. In his suicide note he blames every one of us for letting what Ester’s been through for so long by pinning it on him.

Truthfully, he wasn’t wrong. But I’m more concerned about the fact that he said that if we find Ester and she loses her hands, we’ll be held accountable.

We never released that detail. Not even to Shaw. However, after investigation, someone has leaked the photos onto the internet. If this is her kidnapper or a disastrous leak of information, it will still hold us back. We took down the originals but the four photos of ‘Hell’ have been spread everywhere. It feels unlikely at this point that we’ll ever see them fully scrubbed from the internet.

11/29

Ester is alive. We’ve found her.

At around three AM she turned up in an emergency room in Michigan. Reports say that the Jane Doe stumbled in from the snow, got to the front desk and politely asked for help before she collapsed on the floor. The woman at the front claimed she’d seen a lot of things, including people with clothes hangers hanging out of their eyes and knives still imbedded in their sides, but Jane Doe was possibly one of the worst things she had ever seen. They ran her description through Missing Persons and came up with Ester.

Despite the blizzard conditions I drove the several hours to go and see her.

The amount of injuries inflicted on her were appalling. She was severely dehydrated, and had been tied to the floor since she’d likely gone missing. They had to shave her head given the mats in her hair and her lower half was covered in sores from lying down in her own feces and urine.

But the worst was her hands.

Several fingers had to be amputated and it looks her left hand might entirely have to be removed. Like the picture, they’d been forcefully bound with barbed wire and the thumbs were attached to some form of spike that stabbed them whenever they lifted up too high.

I’m shocked though. The doctors say she looks like she’ll pull through, physically at least. Through sheer force of will she’s survived this. She’s still unconscious, but I’ll be speaking with her when she’s awake.

11/30

I feel ill.

Ester has awoken a few times, but only briefly and she doesn’t seem to recognize anything around her. She keeps asking for Mittens. I doubt the cat’s still alive if this is how her captor treated a human.

But what’s more disturbing is that Ester’s bank account was reopened sometime last night and over two million dollars was deposited into it.

The bank can’t seem to remember who it was, but that it was a man with a suit and who ‘appreciated’ the work she had done for him. No questions were asked, this man was charismatic to handle this and get out of there.

Clearly this must be her kidnapper. But I doubt that all the money in the world could make what she went through any more worth it.

1/16

Ester has finally been able to communicate again. Her friends have returned to her side in comfort and to assist.

Her stories are…. Almost unbelievable.

She claims she was literally dragged into hell, and that her job was to write for Lucifer himself a ‘book of praise’. The devil’s own Bible. When she refused, he bound her hands to the computer. When she attempted to fight, he took away Mittens and beat her.

The only thing keeping her going was the fact her friends still believed in her. It gave her the hope to continue to write and that one day she’d be released, once she had finished. She claimed the final product was several hundred thousand words and that she’d soon be receiving a copy.

I’m officially putting this down as her abductor being a delusional madman who took advantage of having complete control of her surroundings. But at the same time, I’m unsure. The Hit from Hell has always nagged at the back of my mind. I don’t think I’ll ever have all the answers.

But Ester is making progress and well, those funds she now has will take care of her for a long time. Rebecca has offered to let Ester live with her and her wife, and Ester has all too gladly accepted. Years of therapy may lessen the damage, but I think the support of her friends will give her the power she needs to recover.

4/2

I received the Book of Praise.

I’d been enjoying a cup of coffee on my day off when I heard a knock at the door. I had to shoo away my dogs but when I answered it, all was there was a package. Wondering if it was a gift from my mother, I took it inside and opened it.

The cover is… beautiful, if not entirely disturbing. It is full of black and red patterns, and there is a man with the head of a goat sitting on the cover. The author is listed as Ester Andrews.

I’ve only read the first chapter, and I want to vomit.

The words are beautiful and woven together like a tapestry, but this is a tapestry of disaster and chaos. It describes Hell in eloquent terms and that Lucifer is the angel and King of Earth. It’s insanity.

And yet, I’m still drawn to read more. I truly feel there is something evil and wrong about this book, and even knowing the details of the agony that Ester went through to write it, I desperately want to open it again.

But there’s something to shake me from this madness. The dedication.

To My Friends. Have Mercy On My Soul.

Angie, when you read this, run to church and pray for sanctuary. Pray and hope he cannot claim you too.

I flipped to the back and my heart sank.

To be followed by a series of art by Angie Burnett.

I’ve already called the girls.

Angie is missing. And already there is a portrait on her art page of the Devil Himself.

#sixpenceee #sixpenceee stories #hell #horror stories #scary stories #my stories

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davidastbury · 4 years

Text

She popped up on Facebook! For a few seconds I struggled to remember who she was and how she knew me. All very confusing. A bit of a gush - on her part I mean - which was odd when you consider the gap in years since we’d known each other. Not that we had ever been close - all those years ago she had been a friend of my friend’s girlfriend - or, from her standpoint - I was a friend of her friend’s boyfriend.

One thing I do remember is that I was informed by someone - whispered in the solemnity reserved for truly awful news - that she ‘wasn’t well’. I responded by always showing pained softness and deference and never enquired what her illness was.

Anyway, nearly fifty years later she looks fine in her Facebook profile pictures and that was nice to see - but when I scrolled through her postings I was in for a shock. I didn’t like her hard-right opinions at all.

I challenged a few points and without too much dialogue the breezy friendliness was exhausted.

Flint hearted old bitch.

New To The Firm.

He was new to the firm - finding his feet, you might say - nearly twenty years old and eager to please. However, one of his many bosses, Mr Hardacre, found fault with nearly everything he did. Once he confronted him with a handful of invoices and ushered him into a side office. The documents were then spread over an empty desktop and Mr Hardacre went through them ... explaining which purchases should not have been made and which should have been made and hadn’t been made - and so on. The young man nodded and tried to follow it all - wearing his ‘good employee’ face - a look of pained concern (totally bogus of course).

He then noticed the girl at a desk near the glass partition - she was watching - she was very pretty. Mr Hardacre, head down, was fumbling with the invoices and the young man, standing slightly behind him, put on his ‘who me?’ face - he stretched his neck and made his eyes bulge, as if shocked and disbelieving. The girl was crumpling with suppressed laughter. Eventually Mr Hardacre ran out of steam and the little episode ended.

Over the next few days the young man found excuses to return to that part of the building - he would look through the glass partition and see the girl at her desk. She’d look up in surprise and seeing him doing his ‘who me?’ face caused her to burst into laughter. Then he’d wave and walk away.

He made enquires about her - got her name and all that - but she was engaged and had the ring to prove it. So nothing happened between them except that marvellous bit of private comedy.

The full opus of Johnson’s ‘Lives of the Poets’ runs to more than a hundred volumes. Every single author has, in addition to his poems, a detailed account of his life. A very minor poet called Edmund Allen is included and good Dr. Johnson admits that there is very little to record; “But since I do not wish his shadow to disappear without a little flame lighting the dark way, I want to draw attention to this little sonnet as homage to his solitary soul.”

Has there EVER been a nicer man than Dr. Johnson?

Hardly anything is known about the origins of stringed musical instruments and the violin is the most mysterious of them all. There is no evidence of it having developed gradually - as is the case of most instruments; the violin simply appeared in its final, perfect and glorious form. The shape of the violin has never been changed (apart from electronic versions of our time) and the beauty of the shape - the curvature of top and back, the characteristic f-holes - produce an unmatchable perfection of sound - the work of a genius who understood the laws of physics and acoustics.

The violin was created in the Italian Renaissance and the creator, according to most experts, was Andrea Amati, a maker of stringed instruments, mostly lutes. His studio was in the small city of Cremona, Lombardy. Amati taught the secrets to his student Antonio Stradivari, who went on to eclipse the master himself. There was one extraordinary period when the three greatest craftsmen/artists - Amati, Stradivari, Guarneri del Guso - were simultaneously producing their masterpieces.

Stradivari, despite his fame, is actually a mystery. Facts are hard to come by and like Mozart his grave is unknown - but his output was prodigious and he used to mark his age on the violin labels. He wrote - “de anni 89” (“at age eighty-nine”) - and one produced in 1737 is marked “de anni 93”. However a document has come to light, concerning his son Omobono, saying that he had written the label because his father could no longer use a pen - although he could still make violins.

Repeat alert ... for recent Friends xx

A London Street #2 1967

Some might have said that Anna’s husband wasn’t up to much. His name was Joe and he was an unemployed drummer - American - always on the point of the ‘big break’ that never came. He was out nearly every night in the Earls Court pubs, mixing with the rock and blues crowds and would stumble home, eager to tell his wife about the offer that would soon be his. He also used to bring people back with him – people who had missed their last train, or were too drunk to go home, or had no home to go to. Anna didn’t make a fuss, she conjured up a quick supper, locked the doors, fed the cat, carried bundles of bedding for the guests and set the clock; she had to be up early for her job at St. Thomas’ Hospital.

Anna loved Joe’s accent – he was from Chicago but she could catch the Irish origins, which being a Celt herself, sounded very attractive to her. Hearing his voice took her back to another voice – another American voice – a voice from when she was a girl growing up in her Welsh village. A very distinguished writer and his American wife settled in a small terrace house, right on the main street. No one knew why they had chosen to live in a Welsh village, known only for slate mining. The man was really odd but word had it that he had been twice nominated for the Nobel Prize for literature, so that stunned the locals into silence. His output continued, but his major books had already been written and published. And then he became ill and was taken to hospital in Chester, and was quickly discharged and returned home to die. His widow remained in the village – she hardly ever went out and had no visitors.

But a friendship developed between Anna and the widow – Anna was sixteen or so and the widow was in her seventies. They sat in the tiny living room and talked endlessly about Anna’s life at school and what she wanted to do in the future. She was happy to chat and tell the frail, bright-eyed lady everything about herself; she told her things that she would never mention to anyone else. She started to love the woman’s voice – it was how she imagined Emily Dickenson had sounded.

One afternoon Anna followed her up the narrow stairs to see the room where her husband had worked. It was small and unfurnished – just a bookcase and a desk and a chair at the window. There wasn’t a carpet and the wooden boards creaked under her school shoes. The desk was plain wood with a sloping top – like clerks used in Victorian times. Sunlight poured through the dusty window, but only on that side of the room. She looked down and saw the river and how the weeds looked like a woman’s long hair being rinsed. The woman was explaining something and her words lost their meaning, it was just the music of her voice – highly educated, soft cadences, summer afternoons, a slight insinuation, love letters so old that the paper melted and crumbled in your fingers. She felt faint and the woman quickly reached out for her – and then the woman said, in her best Boston voice – ‘I think you and I should have a nice glass of whiskey!’

She told me that she has been afraid of spiders all her life - all of them, big or small. She’s also afraid of flying insects - not flies - but those that flutter incompetently like moths and daddy-longlegs; those that come into your room, mostly at night, and are as disruptive as a child with a ball. But spiders are the big dread and she once sought help with a hypnotherapist, which wasn’t successful for either of them - it didn’t work and she pretended to go into trances - he suspected what was happening (or not happening) and didn’t want to take her money.

And then she read my story about how I moved a spider from a place of danger and how it went into a desperate panic. She said that it had never occurred to her that spiders might have anxieties - that they are more or less like ourselves. I like to think that she is no longer afraid of them - I’d like to ask her but it seems a bit personal.

Morning Coffee in Town

She was using a walking-stick - a real one, adjustable hospital issue - and struggling to get to a table. Her friend was doing her best to help her; they were about the same age, early twenties. A waitress came over and she pointed across the room to where the toilets were - but I know that access is down a wooden staircase. I could see the young woman with the injured leg half smiling and shaking her head, as if it didn’t matter. Her friend fumbled in her bag and it slipped and items fell across the floor.

I might be wrong but I had the feeling that they are new to each other - they have that sparkle of surprise; that intense enquiry; that pleasurable realisation that they are viewed as attractive; that they are really listened to; that they can laugh at the walking-stick and the inaccessible toilets and the pain in the night and the frightening medical anxieties.

There had once been a time when he believed he would have a hit record. He sounded good in that interval just before the Beatles. He strummed the basic chords and tried to sing with an American accent. Sadly nothing happened for him and although he never gave up the guitar he always sounded a bit dated and uncool.

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yourejustdifferentnow · 5 years

Text

Personal

Trigger Warnings: mentions of emotional abuse, mentions of suicide.

I highly doubt anybody will read this, and I don't necessarily care if anybody does or not, but I just need somewhere to vent and talking to my friend didn't really help.

I was diagnosed with severe depression, generalized anxiety, and ptsd at the age of 13. The summer leading up to high-school was one of the most stressful times of my life, and those hardships soon made me realize how abusive my mother was, and would become. Before then, we'd have typical mother-daughter arguments, but nothing impactful enough to ever damage our relationship. That changed drastically during that summer, when she began to lash out at me every time I expressed an insecurity or even considered shedding a tear. Instead of comforting me, she'd yell at me and invalidate my feelings. Obviously this only worsened my condition, and I'd find myself crying more often than not, and panic attacks/breakdowns had become my norm.

After a few months, she finally decided to send me to therapy and attending was one of the best things I'd ever done. I finally had someone validating my mental illnesses and truly listening to me, but because my mom didn't see much improvement within as little as six months, the abuse began once again. She'd constantly threaten to take me out of therapy, or accuse me of bad-mouthing her to my therapist. Whenever I'd choose to stick up for myself, she'd call me an array of names such as: selfish, lazy, bitch, etc. Rather quickly I began to resent her, and recognizing her true colors made me want to do anything but trust her.

This continued for the next two years, until I was 16 (going onto 17). She was the cause of the worst day of my life, in which her and my biological brother mentally and emotionally abused me for nearly an hour. I had decided to finally express my feelings to my mother in a letter, saying how terrible she makes me feel, and it wasn't all-too surprsinging to hear her lashing out only minutes later about it. She watched as I stood in the doorway of her room and shook in fear, and told me that she no longer loves me. She said I disgusted her, should be sent to a mental institution, and will need to find a place to live because she no longer wants me. Empty threats are her forte, it's a defense mechanism and her way of forcing me into submission and compliance rather than addressing the actual problem, but in the moment I couldn't have possibly known she didn't mean those things. That was the first time I ever wanted to genuinely kill myself, and I was moments away from swallowing a whole bottle of pills. If it weren't for my brother (not biological, I met him a few years back and he's been a better brother than my actual one) talking to me on FaceTime and calming me down, I'm not sure I'd still be here today. I recorded nearly the entire thing, her and my biological brother abusing me, and to this day I still haven't listened back to it because I just can't. Simply writing about that day brings me to tears, let alone talking or hearing about it. I recorded it in case I needed to take it to authorities to report my mother for child neglect and abuse, which was a serious consideration. For months after that incident I thought about reporting her, whether it be to my school or the authorities, just to get away from her, but ultimately I decided not to. Being taken out of my home and placed in a foster care seemed much more terrifying, and at least the abuse was familiar. Plus, my one cat, Angel, is my soulmate and I refuse to ever leave her. Even in this moment, I know for a fact that I could not live without her. I would impulsively end my life if I lost her now, and especially then. She's sitting next to me as I type this; she is my anchor.

After that day, it was blatant that my mother and I's relationship would never be the same. She eventually apologized in a therapy session where I had admitted that I couldn't wait to get away from her, and presumably that broke her heart because she bursted into tears. I did have some hope that maybe we could get somewhere, but deep down I knew I could never forgive her for that day as long as I lived with her. Things seemed to be okay for a little while, but then I graduated from high school this past May, and once again things worsened. My depression basically leaves me bedridden most days, and my anxiety prevents me from doing simple things like getting a job or my license. Therapy helps, and I tried five different medications but none of them made a difference, so I abandoned that path. I've made a lot of progress, such as returning to public school in 11th grade when I had previously isolated myself to online schooling. I used to not shower for days, not brush my teeth or ever leave my room, and now I take care of my hygiene on a daily basis. I move around more; I am slowly (very slowly) getting better. But that isn't enough for my mother, and so she's been down my throat about getting a job. I've had multiple conversations with her explaining how difficult it is for me, and that I'm truly trying, and maybe in the moment she listens but it never actually sticks. The threats have returned, whether it's about her putting a bullet in her head because she's tired of everything, or me getting kicked out because I don't contribute. I understand that I am 18 and therefore carry more responsibility than a minor, but the circumstances are drastically different for a person like me. Regardless, I don't want to blab on with excuses, so I'll get to today.

I confronted her about money she had technically stolen from me ($95), and I already knew it wouldn't go down well. My heart was in my stomach the entire day, and when I finally mentioned it, she lost it. I have been diagnosed with ptsd, but she only thinks it's in relation to a specific event that happened with another person. She doesn't know that I also experience it with her, and the moment she raises her voice, my heart quickens, tears threaten to spill, and in that moment I literally want to die. I walk on eggshells with her because I want to avoid setting her off; it affects me terribly. Anyways, instead of handling the situation like adults, she brought up me not having a job again and said I have until January 1st to get a job or else she's kicking me out. It's December 15th, and the holidays are just around the corner. On top of that, I do not have my license and my permit needs to be renewed, but in order to do so I need her to take me to the DMV. I don't have friends in real life due to my years of depression and isolation, so I am completely alone and trapped. Talking to people only helps so much, because at the end of the day I am still stuck with her.

I do not love my mother anymore. It truly hurts to say that, and even I want to doubt that I mean it, but it is simply the truth. I once loved her, and I still care about her life, but I no longer view her as a real mother-figure. She's a woman who gave birth to me and raised me, but not a woman that ever taught me anything. Not a woman that set boundaries, that allowed me to confide in her, or that consoled and validated me. She knows how to physically care for a kid, she knows how to buy them gifts, but she doesn't know any other love language and as a result, she does not love her child in the way that she needs. Talking to her is pointless, having my therapist talk to her is also pointless, this is just who she is. My mother is a manipulator and emotional abuser. She is not a good person, and I cannot wait for the day that I get away from her. I want nothing more than to run far away from here and never see or talk to her again, but clearly that is not realistic. I try and hold hope for the day that I move out, but as a college student, that will be years from now. I can not afford to live on campus, nor can I emotionally afford to be separated from Angel for months at a time. I truly am trapped, and I can't imagine that I'll live past my college graduation if things remain the same. Sometimes death seems like the only escape from her.

I didn't go into details/specifics of certain events or things she's said/done simply because anybody could read this. Police have been involved in one specific situation and it led to nothing; the case was closed. I'm sure that things don't seem that bad in the way that I've described them, but I wouldn't wish my situation on anybody; no matter how awful people can be. I hate that I'm pitying myself, but god do I wish I didn't suffer from mental illnesses so that I could function like a normal human being. I could get a job, get my license, actually have friends and want to hang out with them. My mom wouldn't lash out as much, and it'd be so much easier for me to just get the fuck out of here. If I could, I would run away to another state to live with a friend, as long as I could bring Angel. I wish I could live with my brother (the one I met a few years ago online) but he's still living with his parents and it wouldn't be ideal/possible.

I try not to allow room in my heart for hate, but how I feel about my mother is on the border of hatred.

I forgot to mention that I don't have any other family, because we've cut off contact from them over a year ago due to a few really terrible issues. My entire family on my mothers side are disgusting (this is factual, it isn't my mother making things up) and my father isn't in my life so I don't have his family.

I have.. no one.

#gosh #i kind of hope no one reads this #if i read this on someones blog my heart would shatter #and id just want to save them #my heart goes out to every kid/young adult stuck in an abusive household #it is so fucking hard #it never stops being hard #i just wish my life was different #personal #tw: emotional abuse #tw: suicide

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