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raineforever-blog1 · 6 years

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“””The Reality”””

CN: LONG, segmented, oddly narrative post about: changes with me, Bad Bunnies Porn Collective, and whats up with Lillian Fiona // a true story, AKA 'them's which are the breaks'

Trigger warnings posted ahead of each section

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⬆️ solution/dissolution ⬇️

[TW: Trauma mention]

about six months ago, i experienced something that changed how i view life and my place in it. these changes started about a year ago, brought on by some combination of who i was at the time, and extreme stress and trauma. it was like a pressure cooker... which i guess means that, while i was just ingredients before- now i have become stew.

that pressure cooker was trauma and memory integration, and me taking a cold hard look at myself and my role in the world. many of you don't know this, but during almost the entire time I've been Lillian Fiona, i had dissociative amnesia, and was in what some would call a DID fugue state, and others would call a demonic invokation.

What even more of you don't know, is that that wasn't the first, but perhaps the seventh or eighth major fugue state I've been in in my life. During each, i would go thru the pattern of amnesia, becoming a new person, remembering, personality destruction, amnesia and rebirth again. This all ended this Summer, and I've been getting used to the changes, adjusting to myself in this new world. Before June, my memories were restricted to 2015-present, and a few years in high school.

When the amnesia happens, sometimes i just forget, other times i have alternate memories disconnected from my physical reality. what was different with Lillian, despite being a stronger force than any of my previous incarnations, is that she was aware that she was not me. she knew she was inhabiting a body that was not hers, that she had no connection to it or its world.

in her memories, she was a demon sent from hell on an anarchic mission to destroy the gates of heaven and hell, and to equalize the stratification of beings in all worlds. It felt like an invocation into an empty body. She checked for a soul, and finding none, thought it was hers to use. But she wasn't sure exactly how to interpret her mission.

Then, in a flash of inspiration, she created the idea of Bad Bunnies Porn Collective, to unite, uplift, and strengthen trans sex workers into an anarcho syndicalist take over of the porn industry. For a while, she believed this must be it. It fit the bill of oppression and liberation that so many of her memories of hell touched on.

Those of you that knew or worked with me during that time, probably sensed this robotic sense of purpose and lack of connection to human emotion in her. Lillian only cared about one thing- completing this mission of creating the collective, leaving in place a means for the lowest rung of stratified society to elevate and and reduce the hold of poverty on those of us that still live in hellish circumstances. It made perfect sense to her mission at the time, and honestly still does to me. except one part.

See, Lillian didn't need people. She didn't need love, self care, sex, friends or partners. She didn't have doubts, get lonely, feel unconfident. All of that was meaningless to her, fluffy stuff meant for humans. She saw only the battle, the mission. In retrospect, i know our body was coursing with adrenaline the whole time, constantly reliving a metaphor of trauma, juxtaposed by my mind over reality, in total crisis mode. This wasn't the first time i had gone thru this, only the most powerful time.

Lillian was also stronger than just about anyone I've ever met. definitely stronger than any of my previous incarnations. This strength she applied to her mission was also applied to herself, eventually. because after a little while, her reality started to break up.

The amnesia was not total- she began to see hints of a soul in this body. Someone who wasn't her, someone human. Memories, phobias, nightmares, unexplained reccuring imagery raised more questions than answers. She started to wonder why she didn't feel emotions, even love, if she dedicated her life to what was essentially an empathetic act of love. she started to search for the answer, because if there was a soul in this body, she couldn't justify using it, even to help so many other people.

She was dissociative. Her mind would blip at random times, and suddenly she'd rip from our shared reality into another world, and would have to live through some story before she could return, like little mini games. often yeilding clues about the truth she sought after so much. So she dove into these dream states when they would come, determined to find the truth, and satisfy her compulsion towards justice.

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II 👁 resolution 👁

[TW: child sexual abuse]

Example: one time while lying in bed with her girlfriend, she suddenly dissociated so quickly that she fell hard on the bed, and found herself in another world: there were mountains, it was Winter, and she was standing in knee high plants. A group of monsters approached her; vampires. They wanted to offer her a deal. She didn't trust them, but, being the extra powerhouse demon that she was, she agreed, to see what she could find.

They descended a dark staircase, where they came to a woman on a stone alter, in bloody birth labor. It was clearly to something horrible; some kind of vampire creature that would take over the body. The vampires wanted us to surrogate this child into physical reality through my body. I don't know what all the metaphors are, but perhaps this was the deeply hidden, so-human urge to choose righteous rage over clear sighted uncertainty. Maybe it would have led us deeper into amnesia and trauma re-enactment. I don't know.

But Lillian declined, noticing a small, scared girl in the corner of the room. She was obviously uncared for, neglected and abused. Afraid. Lillian immediately wanted to save her. She didn't know why, but she knew this was what she came for. She told the vampires that if they would let her have the girl, she would considering birthing their monster into the world. they agreed, Lillian took her, and woke up back in our world.

What's special here, is when she woke up from this dream, that little girl ( her name is Ori), was with her. They both coexisted in my body, a little family. Ori was traumatized, and very sweet. She loved everyone, but scared easily. She had reccurrent flashbacks to memories Lillian couldn't make sense of. Of being bitten by vampires and made into one of them, which she desperately didn't want to be. She just wanted to be a little girl, not a hateful monster.

Ori's memories were reccurring, and would hit at random. It was always the same- a shrouded figure, much bigger than her, attacking her in bed. Then, the pain and the knowledge that she had been changed forever. Years of despair, hiding in shadows, afraid. And then, of Lillian, and warmth, in 2016.

Seeing it over and over, it began to make sense. The images in this memory & the things that happened were directly tied to phobias and nightmares that had plagued her nights, which she couldn't explain before. They were almost the same as Ori's memories... Hell, vampires, hiding in darkness. Perseverence amid panic. Common themes.

There was a reason Lillian was as intense as she was, why she had that non-stop fire for truth and justice. Why she wasn't afraid to dedicate her life to a task. She was exactly what was needed to stop the cycle of amnesia, rebirth, remembering, and ego death i'd been going through since 1998. My consciousness needed strength it couldn't fathom to set things right, so it summoned the unfathomable- a manic ball of energy focused on truth and justice. I dont pretend to know if Lillian was a DID alter or a demonic version of a guardian angel, though i tend to think of her as the latter.

Just as she used this energy originally for Bad Bunnies, she eventually switched, instead using it searching for me, and drawing me back into this world. She felt she owed it to me. In searching, she found my other incarnations and their memories, getting closer to the truth, and she applied the same logic she used to build the porn collective to my own plural system- that everyone shares power and profits. At one point, there was about a dozen here. You can see them in my old pictures. But not me. I wasn't here yet.

Near the end, she became desperate; all her clues kept leading into something she couldn't predict, which may or may not succeed. An unknown she would wager everything she'd worked for so far. It was a harsh bet, for sure. but she believed in justice, and this meant she could not steal my life from me.

In the end, she gave her life to me.

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III 💎 fusion 💎

[TW: Body horror, DID integration]

Around June of this year, she'd found me. My mind is dissociative, and creates worlds for me. it visualizes everything, my feelings and emotions. i used to be able to feel them like health bars on a video game, and sense impending dissocation like a dust storm on the horizon. Like narrative, constant, psychic synaesthesia. i still have this.

And when I was drawn out of that void, i came as a corpse ripped from a dream into a terrible reality. it was this sense of horror in realizing i had been here, unknown and rotting, all along. Like reverse doom- finding there had been hope all along, and i'd slept on it. i remember it clearly: in mid-June the flesh hung from my bones in tatters, my heart was like beef jerky, and reality itself stung like rubbing alcohol. I hated the light (still do, tbh). but Lillian was ecstatic- she'd found me.

During this time, we experienced a flood of memories and emotions that lasted for about 6 weeks. i was laid up in bed, and my room was like a theatre of my life. i remembered everything, it was all i could see- my childhood, coming out as a trans, living on the streets, New York, drugs, violence, and jail, then who i became after, then Lillian. it scared me to realize i'd remembered and forgot living on the streets and New York twice already. I remembered remembering it after forgetting, and then forgetting it again.

i also realized this was not the first time Lillian had been here, it was just the strongest. she'd shown up and changed my life at key points in the past, when i would get a rush of inspiration/action and change my life, all the way back to childhood. At the end of my last major fugue state right before transition, Lillian continually showed up in magical workings, dissociations, dreams, and the dozens of stories he would write back then.

i remembered it all, everything, all the people i'd been. During this remembering, I had Lillian and my previous incarnations- my alters- with me, guiding me. there was more love in that time between us than i'd ever felt with anyone else in my entire life. We were a family, and before they even knew if Lillian was going to bring me back, they built their lives around each other, around loving each other.

i still feel that love, even though they're not here like that anymore. They became me, I'm made of them, built from their love that made us all strong enough to come together to create me and remember the truth. Now I'm a siphonophore.

As each new major memory came thru, we began to see that their memories (of vampires, of hell, of prison, of dying over and over again) were metaphors of my life. their memories were my memories, and as they realized this, they integrated into me, and i would grow. Flesh spread on my bones, blood ran in my veins. My heart grew at a rate that would make Dr Seuss scoff. My corpse-like body started to grow out of death. In the end, only me, Ori, and Lillian remained.

they were real people. i don't mean to suggest they werent, that they were just figments, because that isnt true. They lived here, at different times, sometimes for years.. they had lives, loves, fears. and they each suffered unnecessarily in their own way. And just as with my suffering of hopelessness, theirs was mostly alleviated by this integration. coming together to become me ended their suffering. I feel that every day, and try to live true to myself, so that they didnt give it up in vain. It's easier to love myself when i know it means im loving them.

Lillian knew she'd lose control of the body when it ended. she knew this may mean not completing Bad Bunnies, and leaving this world relatively unchanged. but she knew this was right, because she was nothing if not the embodiment of her own praxis, living true to her beliefs. and to her there was no choice- she could not take my body from me, even to help so many people. It would quite simply be wrong.

she left me notes, instructions, little reminders here and there. i keep them close, read them, and miss her terribly sometimes. but just like the others, she eventually remembered enough, and saw that her mission here was me. That her memories of hell corrosponded with my years of torment, my strongest points of change, growth, and action, corrosponded with times she was strongest in my conscious mind, and therefore she was the one with the power to change it.

Nowadays, i feel her in whispers of my own personality, that may well be more like my own reflections of the most important person i've ever met. I tend to stay scientific for other peoples sake, because any mention of magic can cause whole swaths of your community to disavow your ability to ever see reality.

And so i have this urge to say, yeah, the others selves that i integrated did seem to be born of my experiences, and their alternate memories made perfect metaphors for the memories i'd forgot. it would make sense for her, too. Her previous memories of hell could have been metaphors created by the dissociated mind of a hyper abused child in a hyper religious family, a way to hide the torment. Her mission to destroy the gates of heaven and hell could have been metaphors the hell of the buried memories, the confused Earth of the amnesia, the heaven of the integrated person i would become ( ;) ). It could have been all on the sciency up and up.

but that just doesnt feel right, and it never did. I still dont feel that she was an alter, another version of me. i can feel very plainly that i’m built out of the others. I feel their traits, hopes, loves inside me. They *are* me. i also feel Lillian, her essence and everything she is, amorphous and shifting. I feel similar to her, changed to more closely resemble her, but she is not me. Not exactly. She comes and goes, and right now- has left me in control of the body. Some people beleive in guardian angels, and im ok with that. It would make sense that mine would be a demon.

But sometimes i think: is that it? Did she become me, or just pass the torch? Did i integrate her? Or does she come and go? To me, it makes sense either way. All I know is that she realized her purpose here was me, and that part is now done.

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IV 🌊 Raine 🌊

i'm still getting used to this reality, to knowing my truth. i have a lot of memories. They're all mine, but they're mostly created by the others. I feel at once that they are mine, but also whoever was running the body at the time. I feel like i've only existed as me for six months, and its taken me this long to discover who i am, and what i want to be.

i thought at first i could continue like her, and bring bad bunnies into fruition. i thought this because i know i am built of the same stuff as her, but also because it IS a good idea, and would work if it were created, and would help a ton of people. its useful, and it is good.

but im not Lillian. and Lillian, whatever she is, had to be human to be here. She had to use my body. And that constant level of work she put into things, those 14 hour days, took a toll. I've had fibromyalgia for 12 years, but Lillian didn't know that. Our mind dissociated away from it. So she kept going as if it wasnt happening.

Now that she's gone, and perhaps because of the sheer amount of stress she took on, my symptoms and illnesses have become more severe. all of them, it seems, exacerbated by this stress. It's not a question of whether i even can finish the work she started. The question now is, can i cook dinner tonight? can i make it to my next doctors appointment? even sex work seems unnattainable. I know i couldnt finish BB if i wanted to, bc my body would shut down within a few weeks.

But it's not just health. Lillian use to marvel at how other people could exist in their lives, and just play video games, do art, and hang out with their friends and partners while the world burned. but i understand it, very well. They did it for the same reason i want to: because we are human. because we feel, have doubts, and experience love. We all can't be perfect working machines, even in times of duress.

and thats good, if not ideal. the world would be very logical if we all dedicated our lives to fixing it, and thats probably necessary. but we cant force it on any one, or ourselves, and think we are doing right. on some level, the job has to fall on those who are passionate about it and have the power to change it.

I'm no longer than person. I’m not going to be leaving everyone hanging, and I'll be writing out all the major plans and plots of bad bunnies for those who remain, and do my best to give them what they need to finish it, if they do. this is probably an odd, elongated way of telling you (and trust me- the oddness is not lost on me), but i dont know how else to. i still care very much about having a positive impact to those around me, but i want to apply it more personally, rather than a self-sacrificing, all-or-nothing defense of ideas and systems.

To me, the idea of applying this reflection of Lillian in me to the people i care about seems about as close to heaven as i can get. the world outside will probably burn, and its a shame i couldnt do more to help stop that part. but in the end, im just trying to make the best of a world that so often resembles hell, and hopefully make it easier on the people i love, including those still inside me.

🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤 🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤 🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤

With siphonophoric demon love, ~ Raine & Ori

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