#also fuck the us and all the shit surrounding people trying to block trans healthcare im so fucking sick of feeling like a criminal

[coypurat]

#i hate when it hits me that im on borrowed time #like im dicking around with a part time job when my mom wants me to move out and the only reason she hasnt kicked me out #is bc im dragging my feet on getting into a morticians school #i dont fucking want to work full time i dont want to spend 40+ hours a week in some job that i fucking hate #im so fucking scared of locking myself into a job that im not going to enjoy #like i feel like such a whiny kid rn complaining about working a full time job when everyone else does but like #the thought of it makes me sick to my stomach #i skipped my meds last night and woke up like man i have got to be sad about everything ever!!!! #also fuck the us and all the shit surrounding people trying to block trans healthcare im so fucking sick of feeling like a criminal

[horce-divorce]

I am extremely suspicious and tired of people calling Plume predatory... I've never even used it but yall repeatedly choosing the word "predatory" to describe a service that's run entirely by trans and queer doctors and staff, FOR trans and queer patients, and who's entire mission is to make HRT more widely available to anyone... that doesn't sound like a fucking trrf dogwhistle to you?????? Big red fucking flag

Likewise, a LOT of the criticism of how they're "preying" on you is outright lies that are super easily debunked by fucking googling a little bit!!!

I have more to say about this but for now:

I actually don't give a fuck if you use Plume and if you don't need to bc you live in a place with doctors then fucking bully for you, that's fantastic!!! I hope the whole world gets like that in my lifetime! But this ain't actually even about plume, it's about how fucking easily misinformation spreads- ESPECIALLY ABOUT TRANS PEOPLE- because no one uses critical thinking.

I am saying it's NO goddamn coincidence that the notes on Plume ads are a free goddamn block list of terves and yet everyone treats those people like they're spreading valuable information that We Should All Know, which they are not.

I am not talking about a company and it's ads, I'm talking about the dire lack of access for trans healthcare that exists in my country and region, I am talking about the spread of misinformation, I'm talking about how fucking EASY it is to find yourself quietly surrounded by extremists who are feeding you less and less subtle bullshit over time, because it starts with something "innocuous" that "doesn't matter" like criticizing a service you haven't personally had need for. congratulations on just waltzing over the doctor tree and finding trans inclusive Healthcare on your first try, that must be amazing for you!!!!! A VAST MAJORITY of us cannot be so fucking lucky!!!

I mean think about how many transmasc people ourselves found that we'd been internalizing awful messages about "why would you want to be an oppressor?" Even if we weren't ever actually IN radfem circles many of us remained tormented by this for decades. Think about how many terves will infiltrate queer spaces and say shit like "what about trans women?! You're taking the focus off of them!" Just to stir shit, and well meaning allies buy it every time, because that doesn't sound like something a terf would say, right? Would a terf care if trans people are the ones being preyed on?? Well... they would if they are lying about it and are, in fact, actually calling trans people predatory with this statement (trans doctors offering a service for trans people who have no doctor access to help you trans your gender. Is "predatory "!? Noted!)

Also, I VERY MUCH DOUBT it's a coincidence that in over a decade and more than 60,000 posts, plenty of which have been bad and wrong, but I NEVER got anon hate until I asked "what's wrong with Plume? Why are we hating?" And not only could no one give me an answer, I started getting belligerent anons who are indignant and very pressed that I didn't immediately absorb the "plume sucks lol" mantra lmfao

It really may not matter in the grand scheme of things if one company gets bad reviews,* but what other shit are you spreading around from terves that ""doesn't matter"" that slipped right under your fucking nose??? think about it!!!!! Ask questions!!!!!!! If you don't nobody else fucking will!!!!!!!

And if you wanna criticize an company, trans led or not, by all means don't fucking let me stop you, I'm here for it!! but maybe think twice before using words like "predatory" in conjunction w certain types of people? and maybe ask yourself who usually uses words like that to describe trans people and trans healthcare and what that language accomplishes????????

#me #*i would argue that this is different BECAUSE it is a trans and queer led organization #if Plume bombs that sets a precedent bc it was the first of its kind #maybe this is why i dont see anyone attacking Folx even tho it costs fucking the same #its like 10$ less #bc guess what #its AMERICAN healthcare that is fucking predatory. all of it #you will not be receiving any medical services for ANY thing in america that has not been priced to fucking extort you #and thats NOT unique to Plume and quite frankly compared to most of ny medical bills???? theyre fucking not that bad #anyway i do have a longer post about this but rn im out of weed and yall are pissing me off so. #also its not a coincidence that the ppl i see spreading this misinformation #are either clearly terves. or #are 21 and under and without fail have a carrd. #which im sure could be analyzed in a meaningful way #a lot of those kids mean well but very uncritically just repeat radfem/nazi shit bc they Dont Know #and i get it like How Am I Supposed To Know Everything Online. youre not #youre supposed to look at the context and cues and ask your own questions #and if youre just uncritically listing everything that can be used against you in your bio #because someone told you once that it helps? #then it makes sense that youd be roped into other manipulative activities under the guise of Activism and Helping #please ask fucking questions #a lot of ppl seem to Not Know What To Think about Plume #ok so what do you want to know. google that. look up their pricing. their competitors. #look uo reviews from ppl who have actually used it (lots on reddit!) #look up how few trans inclusive doctors there actually fucking are in any given area #dont just wait for a specific blogger or a google search to tell you what to think!!!! #'who am i supposed to listen to!' you bitch! you have gut feelings! use them!!!

[headfullofstories]

Truly Monstrous Luck - part 2

I wake up in a new room, and the first thing I notice is that my binder is off. Fuck. I bolt upright and bring my arms up to cover my chest. Oh no, oh no no no no no. If someone had to take it off of me, then… someone saw my body. I throw up a little bit in my mouth at the thought.

I look around the room I'm in. I'm on a cot, and… oh god, there're my tits. I curl my knees up to block them from sight, and continue to survey my surroundings. The room as a few more cots scattered about, most of them empty. There's a desk at the end of the room, currently occupied by a girl who looks a little older than me, skin the color of volcanic glass - a sort of deep blackish purple, covered in white freckles that look like stars. Her lavender hair is tied up into a bun, and she's wearing a denim jacket. Fuck, she's pretty.

She looks up at me suddenly, corneas jet black and irises a startling silver. If I was still alive I’d probably have a ridiculous blush all across my face right now.

“Oh good, you’re awake.” She lets out a sigh of relief. “Yvonne was freaking out when you collapsed, thought she pushed you too hard with that walk, which was… kind of the case, but c’mon dude, you had to know this was gonna happen if you kept this thing on.” She holds up my ratty old Underworks binder, stretched and worn from years of constant use. I’m not quite sure the last time I took that thing off, whether it was last night or the day before, but my ribs are sore as hell now.

“There’s a recommended maximum time to wear these for a reason, y’know.” She sighs, dropping it onto the desk and picking up a walkie talkie. “Yvonne?” She asks into the radio, “your kid’s awake.”

A few moments later Yvonne runs through the doorway at the far side of the room near the desk, looks around the room for a moment and sees me.

“Oh thank god.” She sighs, walking up to me. “Camilla said it was probably nothing to worry about, but… I didn’t wanna cause you more grief today.”

“You gonna adopt every single fledgling you find, Yvonne?” The girl at the desk grumbles, looking down at her phone. “That’s… five now, right? Over the past 15 years? You should introduce New Kid to the others.”

“Well, none of my other 4 have left, which is a lot more than can be said for a lot of people here.” Yvonne reasons, before turning back to me. “I’m sorry that we had to take the binder off, Victor, but you’re not supposed to sleep with it on. Or do strenuous activity, which is on me, but you really should follow the doctor’s recommendations on these things.”

“I know, but… it’s… too much, sometimes, not to wear it.” I reply cautiously, doing my best to use the right words. “I get sensory overload really easily, and looking at my body makes it… a lot worse, most of the time. Being on T has helped with a lot of the visual dysphoria, but until I get surgery I’m gonna risk it with the long hours.”

The girl at the desk grumbles something under her breath, then picks up her walkie talkie again and mutters something into the speaker. Yvonne looks saddened by this and mutters something about the healthcare system in this country, but doesn’t object outright. After a few minutes Arthur walks into the room, exchanges a few brief words with the girl at the desk, then walks over to me and stands next to where Yvonne is sitting. He sighs and squeezes his eyes shut for a moment.

“Hey kid, what are your thoughts on top surgery?” He asks, sounding a little fed up. “Because what happened today can’t happen again, and if you fuck up your ribs there’s only so much vampiric healing can fix, and you’re gonna have a bitch of an afterlife.”

My vision goes double for a moment as I try to process what I just heard. “T-top surgery?”

“We have contacts at this practice out on Long Island, some people who are… specially equipped to handle people like us.” He elaborates, “We’ll cover all of the medical expenses, so you won’t have to worry about selling your fucking soul to the american healthcare system.”

Against my better judgement, I start sobbing. Arthur looks confused and Yvonne looks worried.

“Hey kid, you good?” Arthur inquires cautiously.

“I'm really sorry,” I manage to blubber out between hiccups, “but… th-that’s the closest thing to good news I’ve had in m-m-months.”

He nods. “I had bad luck when I was your age, too. Broke a rib wearing ace bandages when i was 19, couldn't bind for a year and damn near killed myself. In a fucked up way, dying was the best thing to happen to me.”

I look up at him, wipe my tears out of my eyes, and calm down a little. “You-you’re trans?”

He flashes a demonic looking smile, all teeth and a bit of pride, and lifts up his shirt to flash twin scars sprawling across his chest.

"Came out at the Stonewall Riots when I was 18 years old." He explains, still smiling wide and wild. “Year and a half before I was turned; when that happened I was a little younger than you, I think.”

I look at him in awe. “I’ve never met a trans person that was so much older than me.”

“For real?” He snorts, crossing his arms. “I should introduce you to Liz, then. 600 years old, turned when she was 14, didn't start transitioning until she was 87. I think she came over here on a Spanish Galleon, I'm pretty sure she originally made landfall in Guatemala..."

"Art, I know you're trying to focus, but you keep getting off topic." The girl at the desk yells over.

"Thank you Camilla, I realize that." He growls at the girl. Oh, so she's the Camilla person Yvonne mentioned. "Shit, did I forget to take my adderall again?”

I suddenly realize I don’t know where my backpack is. Oh fuck no, that thing has everything I own in it - my T, my journal, my charger, my spare clothes…

"Where's my backpack?" I ask Yvonne, panicked. I can feel my leg start involuntarily bouncing. “I need it, it has everything I have in it…”

Yvonne leans down and reaches under the cot I’m on and pulls out my ratty jansport, setting it down on my lap. I cling to it for dear life. It’s too late to stop the shaking, but at least it’s not gonna get any worse.

I see Yvonne go to rest her hand on my shoulder, but Arthur grabs her wrist and mutters something in her ear. My vision goes out of focus again as I try to calm myself down.

After a few minutes the shaking stops and I look up at the two now even more worried adults in front of me.

"Sorry…" I mutter, looking at my feet. "I… I need to know where this thing is or I… lose it, a little. It's really stupid, I don't know why it happens, it's super overreactive… my teachers all thought I just wanted attention in school."

“They…” Arthur starts, then hisses something unintelligible before looking at me in the eyes. The eye contact makes me a little nervous, but I do my best to hold it. “You’re not looking for attention if you have big emotions. That’s bullshit.”

I look down at my hands now, pulling at my joints and popping my knuckles. “My parents always said I’m broken and my brother thinks it’s something I can manage. I love my brother, but it’s… hard to get him to understand.”

He nods a little, then looks over at Camilla. “Can you check when Boris is open next?” He shouts over, to which Camilla gives a thumbs up. He turns his attention back to me, and shoots me a quick finger gun. “You need a new bus card, right? And you were going to your brother’s house when you got attacked, did you call him when you were heading over?”

I shake my head. “He was at work when I was heading over, and I have a key to his apartment so I was just gonna head over and wait for him.”

“Do you feel comfortable staying here for the night?”

"I think… that'll be better than going to my brother's house. I’m not sure if I can deal with the subway yet…”

He nods, mutters something to Yvonne, then heads out. Yvonne stretches out her hand, a silent invitation to get up and follow her. I take it after a moment of consideration, suddenly overwhelmingly nervous about my entire situation. What if these people are bad? What if they want to use me? I consider running, but after a moment I start thinking logically again. At the very least, Yvonne and Arthur are good. That’s enough for right now.

I grab my binder from Camilla on the way out, her silver eyes piercing my very soul, a silent warning to bind properly. I put the binder in my backpack, and throw the bag over my shoulder.

Yvonne guides me through ancient looking halls, lined with candelabras fitted with dim mercury light bulbs. I pull out my phone to check the time - 1:34PM. Shit, the day’s still only halfway done. I try to read Yvonne’s expression as we walk, but all I see is worry. No indication of where we might be going or what Arthur was whispering to her about.

Some people look at us as we walk by - some stare for a moment, but mostly they just glance briefly then look away. I keep as close as I can to Yvonne, and eventually we stop in front of a big pair of wooden doors.

“This is the common room,” she explains, gesturing towards the doors. “It has the best wifi in the building, it also has public computers, some books, board games… the works. I’ll leave you here, but feel free to explore around. There are signs at most of the intersecting hallways, so it’s not too hard to get lost around here, but most people will be willing to give you directions if you get turned around. You good with that, Victor?”

I give her a thumbs up, and hang outside of the common room until she disappears down the hallway. I debate going inside for a moment, but decide against it. There’s probably people in there, and people means social interaction. It means people seeing me without my binder on. I subconsciously start hitting the heels of my hands together as I debate what to do from here before deciding to head further down the hallway, away from where Yvonne and I came from. I cross my arms in an attempt to hide my chest, which is a little counterintuitive since it's probably just drawing more attention to that area.

I walk around for a few minutes without really seeing anybody, and after a little while I start to zone out, looking at the ironwork on the candelabras instead of where I’m walking, when I bump into someone. I yelp and jump back out of instinct, and the other person falls to the ground.

“I-I’m sorry!” I squeak as I start to fiddle with my backpack straps. “I didn’t see you!”

The person I knocked down, a boy with black hair and dark brown eyes, growls at me as he stands back up, “Who the fuck are you?”

“Um, m-m-my name’s Victor.” I respond, on the verge of tears.

“Alright, Victor, what the fuck are you? What are you doing here?” As soon as he’s fully upright he starts examining every detail of my face, and I realize that my mouth is still slightly open, so I slap a hand over it to cover my fangs.

“Oh, you’re a vamp.” He grumbles. “Were you one of those assholes who sells their blood to rogues, one of em went too far, threw you out?”

Suddenly I’m crying again. Three times in one day, what the hell? I start scratching my arms to try and counteract it. I try my best to look even smaller.

“Wh- oh fuck, don’t cry! I… fuck, I’m such a dumbass!” He hits his head a couple times. “Look, I’m really sorry, I have really bad impulse control issues, that was just the first thing that came to mind. Uh…”

It takes all of my willpower, but I manage to stop crying, only thing now the stimming is worse. I start hitting the heels of my hands together and tapping my left foot uncontrollably. “Um… thanks for the apology. Most of the time when I start crying I just get yelled at even worse.”

He looks at me, mild horror on his face, which I’m not quite sure if it’s from what he said earlier or what I said just now. “That’s fucked up.” He mutters, then he outstretches his hand. “I’m Adrian. Again, so sorry about what I said, I do not know what came over me. You’ve probably had a really rough day, huh?”

I take his hand after a brief moment of hesitation. His grip is really strong, I think normally I would be a little hurt by it but now it just feels like a very firm grip… wait, can I still be anemic if I'm a vampire?

"Um, yeah." I laugh a little, slightly intimidated by this guy. I'm automatically a little scared of anyone who makes me cry, but… I don't know. "It was kind of a shitty day before, but then with the… getting jumped and everything, and my life kind of being over, it's just been a whole lot worse."

"God, I'm an asshole." He says, a forced grin plastered to his face. "I completely understand if you never want to interact with me again."

"I'll think on that." I respond as I bring my arms back across my chest and start to focus on the wall right next to his head. "Uh, nice to meet you? Kind of?"

"Um, likewise." He responds as he shoves his hands in his pockets and walks off quickly. That was... weird.

#original story #spooky monsters n shit #this is maybe the most self indulgent thing ive ever written i have no goals in mind for this guy but im havin a good time