#also fierce joy…. ahhh I’m gonna be thinking about that all day!!! | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

mommymadnez · 5 years

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Ladies and gentlemen… I may have gone missing for awhile… However I am alive. There were times I did not think I was going to remain that way but I am still here. Was I losing my mind? Maybe just a little. Even had a couple surgeries. Which you would think would have allowed me the downtime to write but I think I was scared to put myself out there since I was going through a lot. In the midst of all that was going on my computer was becoming ancient, like 2009 ancient. Don’t get me wrong, my Mac is incredible but trying to type a small paragraph was taking an eternity. And sure, I could do it from my phone, a lot of my blogs start in my notes app. But sometimes I just like the feel of really typing, ya know? And it helps keep you sharp.

Plus I’m good at it. And I think sometimes my mind and my fingertips create an orchestra of thoughts, sounds, and rhythm all on their own. So now I sound crazy so let’s just say it’s therapeutic. So when my computer started getting wonky and my life got crazier, taking care of me and doing what I needed or wanted to do for myself kind of stopped mattering. So the blog, my photography, art, just about all my creative outlets took a back seat. BUT NOW…. My tools are working and I am thrilled with them. So now I have no excuses. (aside from working and raising 3 kids)

Usually my blogs are about my kids and my parenting struggles and breakthroughs but I think today its gonna be about me. We lose ourself in parenting, being a spouse, working, and all the other hats we are required to wear, I swear. I worry so much about putting all of everyone else’s needs before my own that I have truly lost sight of myself and who I am and what I NEED. But I think as moms we are all guilty of this from time to time. The thing that really has hit a nerve with me is that I was someone before I was a wife and mother. I know I may not have been the greatest version of myself but my needs came first back then. I wasn’t defined by who my children are and who I married. I was just me. Wild, spastic, living out in space some where, me. Unapologetically me.

Back in the day going out with my friends, we would pretty much have fun no matter where we went or what we did because we were all so wild and full of life and hope. I may have leaned a little on the annoying, loud and wild side. So it blows my mind to think back on all those teenage and early 20 days and then look now to my lack of socialization with the outside world and my anxiety riddled life as of late. Do not get me wrong, working from home is AHHH-mazing and I wouldn’t change it for the world. But whether I work with people in a virtual office or a physical one I do not believe it is the cure for bringing the old vibrant me back. So I definitely would not change that aspect of my life. Especially since I already struggle being a “people person.” Dealing with the public everyday in physical form would probably have me ripping my hair out. Plus you can’t really put people on hold in real life.

I always viewed my self as very plain Jane-ish. So a lot of what I felt I lacked physically I would try to make up for by being comedic relief… Or, someone who could take you for a ride in my Blue Beast making you forget all your problems by jammin to some gangster rap cruising through town… maybe we’d head a half hour outta town if we were feeling rebellious. Probably just ended up at Walmart since we we minors. But hey, we got to go off the grid. We didn’t have cell phones to constantly keep us connected to everyone we know. Our parents couldn’t pull us up on the GPS. It felt free. Life felt full of joy and hope for the future. Even the bad days didn’t last very long because we were young. Our minds and hearts (and our skin) could bounce back a whole lot faster. I love my life as a mother do not get me wrong but every once in awhile I miss those carefree days. I miss only worrying about keeping myself alive.

I took care of me, numero uno. My future, my goals those were all things that mattered so much and were suppose to shape who I was to become as a grown adult. It was about what would make me find my happiness. My hopes and dreams of my young adult days did not pan out quite as expected. I had an idea of what my life would look like and I never imagined it would turn out the way it did. It is more than I ever could have imagined a life to be. I didn’t know unconditional love until I had children. And as painful as that love can be sometimes I would never give up experiencing this current life.

You learn to embrace those changes you didn’t see coming. That broken road that led you in a path you couldn’t in your wildest dreams have imagined. You accept those changes knowing that God had a purpose and a hand in all of this.

I see now I was not meant to be the Audrey Hepburn look alike I wanted to be. Guess I just don’t have the legs… I would never be as tall or thin or fancy! But that’s the life I thought I wanted. Ah! Breakfast at Tiffanys. I wanted a life in the big city. Fast, crazy times, studio apartments, cocktail parties, fancy dresses. And I wouldn’t have dared to own a yard. I can not mow worth a crap… So I got married! Ha!!! That’s just jokes, I married him because I can’t open pickle jars by myself. 2Liters can be tricky too! 😉

ANYWAYS! those of you who know me know I am by no means a successful artist living a fancy lifestyle. I moved back to my small home town. I’m a mom of three wild children who works at home and rarely gets dressed. My getting dressed requires my “goin out” yoga pants. They usually pair nicely with a sweater boots combo… But don’t let the nice looking sweater fool you. All my sweaters have some form of stains living on them somewhere. Probably throw up. So yeah definitely envisioned a different lifestyle.

So we embrace these new chapters in life. This chapter involves a whole lot more balance and a whole lot more people to feed, clothe and keep alive. When I truly think about it though, those old days of only keeping me alive were so long ago that the memories have really began to fade. My brain really only has room for so many memories at a time. I am getting more and more aware of my age and my sanity as my mind has slowly started slipping away.

I do see little pieces of the fun crazy me I use to be begin to creep out from time to time when I play with my kids. When I do things that are silly and out of character for mama they look at me strangely at first but then burst out laughing and just look at me again like, who is this woman? And what has she done with our mean mother? I have come to the realization that, this family, these people I live with, who know so much about me now, know absolutely nothing about who I was prior to their existence. I mean they know the 2019 me so well they like to mimic my laugh… and the way I brush my teeth and my hair… or the way I wrap a towel around my head! “I’m mama! Look at me!” That’s what they say when they are making fun of me. Which is usually a lot.

I try to teach them a little about who I am through music I loved. I find time to play my favorites for them. In the car, or the tub, I don’t force it, I just let them listen and absorb.

So of course my heart melted the other day as we listened to Fleetwood Mac and my daughter asked me to send her the song! She is 100% my complete mini clone… SUPER SENSITIVE! She loves to sing, dance, use her imagination and draw. She is just all around happy and in love with life and the entire world around her. She reminds me a great deal of the old me. The one I seem to have lost. The other day I watched her as she slept and couldn’t stop thinking of how I want her to always stay carefree, creative and in love with life. I don’t want the weight of the world, the stress of families and relationships, others expectations, finances, or work to steal her joy. I always remind her of how beautiful, smart and funny she is and to never believe anyone if they tell her different. I truly believe she will be okay because she is fierce and I know that she will never let anyone or anything kill that spark and the joy within her.

So that brings me full circle to how do I find my lost joy? It sure wasn’t in that last jar of peanut butter I smashed. Yes of course, I find joy that I’m live, living and breathing right now. I also embrace the joy I find in my family and lifes other random little miracles. But is there a way to bring back a carefree spirit after years of isolation, anxiety, depression and stressors? Or the candy dishes of medications that did a number on me. They were suppose to either make me happy or make me want to die. Boy that seems like a great kind of drug/illness to take such a gamble on, right? Not like we are talking about pills for, uhm, the gout. Legit Mental health medications, prrrretttty much all of them have the possibility to cause suicidal ideations. Imagine those people who are already at their breaking point finally reaching out to a doctor for help; “Suicidal? Ah yes! Try this… It may make you feel better but your body might start to get tremors, you may have blurred vision and don’t forget the risk of erectile dysfunction. Oh, and you’ll also gain 50 pounds……… or it could make you want to kill yourself… even more… The kicker is, ya never know! You must give this drug 6-8 weeks for it to take affect. So here ya go! Have fun! May want to warn your family. Here take this pamphlet with 175 side effects to look out for” Oh boy… we will not journey down this road because that is more of a novel than a blog post.

With that being said, feel free to let me know if anyone wants to hear some crazy stories about my journey into the world of mental health in America. I got plenty. Boy I can tell ya we are missing the mark as a society when addressing mental health. There I go again, I must digress… This was not the point of the blog post. It’s actually suppose to be more like, “Hey hi! I’m going try to be back and write and take pictures on a regular basis, but, ya know… I got ADHD and tend to get easily distracted.”

So for those of you who actually read this super dope awesome long post, what do you do for yourself that brings you joy? Parenting and family aside, I want to know what you do for you?

I use to run and do yoga but I recently had a couple surgeries that didn’t go as greatly as anticipated so those stress releasing activities are currently on hold. I am going to try to get back into my writing and photography. Maybe the guitar some more. I have done some drawings recently and it felt really good. So I feel like I’m kinda headed in the right direction. I have hope that I am still buried deep inside of me in this shell of a former version of myself just waiting to come out and feel confident, joyful, and just be me again. I want my kids to know I was someone before I was “mama.” and I want to feel like that someone again. I need to learn more balance and how to put my oxygen mask on first because lately I’m struggling to breath and I think everyone else may be struggling because of it.

I put on a zip up hoodie the other day that was my absolute favorite in high school. It brought back some great memories, and side note, made me pretty freakin excited it fit me just as good, if not better, than it did before. It makes me pretty nervous putting all this out there after being MIA for so long. I feel like it sounds like a pity party like “woah is me… I don’t act all fun and crazy and hyper anymore and I have no energy and I have been known to… on occasion… yell… I feel old and crotchety, blah get off my lawn!”

At the same time I needed to start somewhere and why just dip my toe in? Midaswell just type out what is on my mind. Hopefully this helps anyone else out there struggling with some of the same thoughts I’ve had lately. I want my kids to realize I’m more than just good at the way I can cut a peanut butter sandwich. Theres more behind the weary worn down personality you have known the past few years. Now let’s go find her!

Hello World It’s me, again… Ladies and gentlemen... I may have gone missing for awhile... However I am alive. There were times I did not think I was going to remain that way but I am still here.

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