#also I'm not a cis girl but I didn't feel like overcomplicating my point

[letstartdiggingpod]

I've been editing episode 6 recently, which is our first episode on amatonormativity, and I've had a lot of thoughts about some stuff we talk about. And while the episode is mostly about our experience being on the asexual and aromantic spectrum, there's one bit I keep thinking about.

At some point (this may not stay in the episode), Meghana mentions how they always say "I wish someone had a crush on me", which ignores the very real people who did when they were younger, and I agreed with that sentiment, but upon reflection, the disconnect for me is that people who had a crush on me very clearly didn't have a crush on me, but the idea of me.

From what I understand, crushes usually work as the following: you meet someone and start to like them, and when you get a crush on them, you want to know them better and start dating them. Sometimes the result of this is you find out the person sucks and you no longer like them anymore. The desired result is that you'll get to know them better, becomes closer to them, and find yourself loving them. Ideally, getting to know someone better results in your like of them becoming a stronger like of them and a mutual like and/or love.

And that has never happened to me! Of course, I understand that I might just be extremely unluckily, but everyone who has had a crush on me that later got to know me better has always regretted it, backtracking on liking me because they actually don't like me as I actually am. To be clear, I don't blame them. I have never wanted to date anyone seriously, so it sucks, for them, that they get to know me and then realize I am probably never going to date them, but it is curious to me that the result of them finding that out is "I will never talk to you again" rather than "we can stay friends and keep our fairly close friendship".

This is particularly about the guys who had crushes on me in middle school (which, sidenote, a lot of them only had crushes on me cause I was the only girl who spoke to them -- I had a lot of male friends in middle school, and many of these male friends rarely actually spoke to girls other than me). In middle school, I would frequently hid large chunks of myself from all my friends (including my close friends! all my queer friends from middle school came out to me years before I would come out to them, if I ever did, even though I realized I was queer around the same time as them), because I was afraid of the consequences of actually confronting my real self and realizing who I was to other people and who I actually am are almost two distinct entities. So obviously, and to no real fault of their own, when these guys had crushes on me, it was very much the idea of me they had a crush on, and they -- very pointedly, in some cases -- expressed an interest to get to know me, got to actually know a more real version of me, and then decided I wasn't worth liking anymore. This happened to me multiple times!

I never liked any of these people back, so it wasn't particularly painful in that regard, but I do think for the longest time, my desire for someone to have a crush on me (despite the fact several people had) comes from that disconnect: it was super clear that the person they had a crush on was not me, but some ideal of me that would be the perfect girl and girlfriend I could be if I was more malleable. And the idea of me is malleable, so I'm not as outspoken or angry or independent or intelligent or stubborn or whatever. They can have a crush on an ideal of me that isn't annoying to be with, that doesn't actively challenge them on their misogyny.

The weirdest part about this all is that I still have plenty of male friends, some of whom are from middle school, and none of these male friends had any trouble befriending the real me or anything. I have good friendships with these guys, who didn't have a crush on me and who were more receptive to who I genuinely was, when I did feel like opening up. And I value all their friendships! But there comes a point where I did start to question maybe friendship is all I'm worth, because the people who actually care about me don't want to date me, and the people who want to date me don't actually care about me. That is some idea to internalize, and it's even more complicated with living in an amatonormative society and being someone who experiences a near zero romantic attraction.

#phoebe.md #episode 6 #aromantic #asexual #crushes #repeating the disclaimer that Meghana and I are not the same person #and thus none of this reflects what they think #also I'm not a cis girl but I didn't feel like overcomplicating my point #with my overly complicated gender identity and experience