#also I have a WHOLE ADDITIONAL RAMBLE ABOUT HOW MY TRANSNESS AFFRCTS MY SENSE OF TIME

[natugood]

I never realized how much of a positive impact it would have on me mentally and emotionally, but I am so happy I got top surgery. Yes, I do still feel sad and miss my breasts, because they were a part of me that I grew into and learned to love. But I feel so SO much more myself without them.

I get to exist without the constant, subtle pain, the reminder that my body isn’t mine for some reason, even though I know that it is, or at least that it should be. It’s like before I was existing as myself but through a warped mirror, seeing a reflection or version of myself which I knew to be true, but also which I felt disconnected from. Like I was inhabiting an alien clone of my real self. It didn’t feel wrong because I had never known another existence, I had never seen or experienced another version of myself, I couldn’t imagine another version of myself.

I didn’t let myself imagine another version of myself, because I was afraid that the joy I would experience at seeing myself as I wanted would torment me and make my life agony. I wanted to survive, I didn’t want to live in pain. But I knew I felt wrong. I looked wrong. I was wrong. But I was wasn’t wrong, I was just me. I was trying so, so hard to learn to love me. And I still love that version of myself. My breasts were a part of me, a part of my body, and even though I never wanted them there, I accepted them, because what else was I supposed to do? I wanted to love myself, and they were a part of me, so I tried. I tried so hard, but as time went on, even though they felt more and more right, they also felt more and more wrong.

I think a part of me always knew that they were temporary, that they were visitors on my body, a necessary but unwanted part of my form. When I had my surgery, I wanted to take time beforehand to say goodbye. They were a part of me. I loved them. I was going to miss them, even if I knew I would be happier without them. They meant the world to me, even if I wanted them to go away forever. They were a part of me, a part of me that made me, me. I was sleepy that day though, and I was more anxious and uncertain about the events to come than I was about whether I would have time to take a private moment to myself, to get to say goodbye. For once, I was living in the moment. The anesthesia hit much faster than I expected too; I thought I’d have a few more minutes with them, but before I knew it, I was waking up. They were gone. I didn’t get to say goodbye to them. In our last moments together, I didn’t think about them at all.

When I woke up, my body felt strange, and pained, and lacking. As the days went by, I felt the same numbers that I had felt before, though in some ways it was exacerbated by the post surgery dressings. But beneath the numbness, it felt good. So good. It took me awhile to really register that goodness, to even register they were gone.

So much of the time they existed I tried to ignore them. Your chest isn’t the focal point of your existence anyways, so I didn’t think about it a lot, or at least I tried not to. But with them gone, it felt like a part of me had been released. The constant pain, the fear, the awareness of their existence - vanished. The surgery was not the beginning of the process. It was slow, and had been ongoing over since I got my first binder, eight years before. I’d compressed them, tried to live without them, tried to forget their existence for so so long. It felt fake that I could finally relieve myself of that burden.

And now, there I was. In my own body, but insufficient another alien body. Trying to reacquaint myself with myself, the myself who I’d know but never gotten to see, the myself who I had become. As time has gone on, I have felt no regret. I don’t see my body through a warped perspective anymore. I just see myself for who I am. I am finally myself. I get to be happy now. I am free.

#Idk what prompted this I am just rambling here but like. man #also I have a WHOLE ADDITIONAL RAMBLE ABOUT HOW MY TRANSNESS AFFRCTS MY SENSE OF TIME #ANS HOW TIME EFFECTS MY SENSE OF SELF #cause I can Remeber how I used to look and who I used to be. but no one else can. and new people don’t know. #but it’s WEIRD cause that’s true with everyone!!! not just trans ppl!!! it’s just that gender is *supposed* to be absolute and concrete. #so it feels like a secret that my past experiences don’t match the assumeptions ppl have about my past experiences #ya know? #anwyays. #I am. drunk. #googoogajoob #trans pride #trans masc #top surgery