#again i reiterate i know im the worst person to be talking on this topic but i just couldnt fucking believe it when i read it

[popsicle-stick]

trying to formulate a way to word this better, and aware of the shaky ground i'm on saying this as a british person. but i am still thinking about that poll that was like 'vote for the worst european country' and of course england won by a mile (france should have been head to head imo. sorry to french mutuals) but my head is still reeling from the Large number of people in the comments who were shocked and surprised that anyone could possibly vote for spain or the netherlands and were wondering what they could have Possibly Done Wrong. speechless

#the historical illiteracy of this site is genuinely gobsmacking #britain deserves to get its shit ripped but i think if people really believed what they said beyond the memes #we would perhaps be in a better place. or at least have a marginally better understanding of western european colonialism. #again i reiterate i know im the worst person to be talking on this topic but i just couldnt fucking believe it when i read it #this is to say nothing bad about the people themselves of spain and the netherlands at all!!! #i mean as i said i'm from britain. what can i say lol. #there's also a weird paternal fetishising of celtic nations on this site that i've noticed that ignores their complex history but #that is Enough from me on this topic!!!!!!

[booksandpaperss]

some ramble-y thoughts on men's social isolation and women's safety bc this has been on my mind for a bit

I do think it's really sad how men end up feeling so isolated bc of various social expectations as well as people being cruel, but as a fem presenting person I have to say that you can't just expect women and anyone who is fem presenting to just "start being nicer". ive seen a few posts on Tumblr essentially stating that but I have to reiterate it is about safety. I literally cannot afford to stop looking at men with caution and assumed violence until I get to know them really well bc if I stop that could genuinely cost me me life. its true that most men I see probably are not predators and im sure it hurts to be perceived that way, but I have no way of being able to tell who is and isn't going to harm me. I have to assume the worst because it is the only way I can stay safe.

it sucks, it really does, for all parties involved. I have so much sympathy for the men who are genuinely kind and would never hurt me that feel isolated, it isn't fair, and I myself certainly don't enjoy the *necessary* fear that the random guy im passing on the street could see me and decide to hurt me, but this is the reality of the world. there is no easy solution, but what certainly isn't a solution is expecting women to start being kinder to men they dont know because once again: that could genuinely cost someone their life.

The best solution right now I think is to continue to try to deconstruct misogyny and gender roles, and that takes time, patience, and understanding.

I have also seen the notion on here that men feeling isolated socially is misandry, but the reality is that misandry is simply not real on a systemic scale. men feeling isolated is a direct result of the patriarchy and a side affect of misogyny. a lot of things on this website that are perceived as misandry are either not real problems or they are but they're just the impacts of misogyny and the gender roles that come with it.

But it is very surreal to be walking alone at night, clutching my pepper spray and glaring whenever a man I don't know is near me, making sure to stay next to the street and make it obvious I know exactly where I'm going and still feeling the fear that it might not be enough and something horrible could happen to me anyway, only come back to Tumblr and see people saying misandry is just as prevalent as misogyny and women need to start considering how it feels for men to be looked at like they're predators. Touch grass seems like an applicable statement here.

oh and obligatory piss on the poor tumblr disclaimer: I know I am using binary terms so before any of you get on your high horse about it, I myself am non binary. I am not actually a woman, but I certainly look like one and therefore deal with misogyny. I fully understand that trans men and genderqueers of all kinds as well as even feminine cis men also fear for their life on the street so dont even think abt getting on my ass about that. oh and if any of you try to call this a terf post consider yourself blocked with a recommendation to get a refresh on what terf actually means instead of just throwing around the term when you see any post trying to talk about misogyny :D

final disclaimer bc I wanna cover all my bases due to Tumblr reading comprehension: im aware topics like this are very nuanced with lots of layers, please dont act like im obligated to cover all that in a random Tumblr post of all things, I cannot possibly cover everything nor am I obligated to. I simply wanted to remind ppl that actual lives are at risk and fem presenting people constantly and regularly fear for their life bc I feel like that gets left out a lot in conversations like this on here. <3

#elli's random thoughts #women's safety #mens mental health #feminism #no idea what else to tag this so im just gonna throw it into the void #plus I do not want this to end up getting around to actual terf blogs ugh

[bandomslayed]

I’m not saying you should focus more on racism, I’m just saying that that’s something that the community as a whole needs to focus on and try to repair, I’m sure they all already know that people don’t like their ships. If that’s an issue, then groups can have a strict age limit. Easy solve. The other things are things that can be taught and learned but with hostility all that’s going to happen is a deeper divide. You said you wanted to argue with people about the things you don’t like that they do in this community. I’m paraphrasing, but why not instead want to educate them. No one will ever react well to feeling like they’re being ridiculed or patronized. People worth spending your time on are the ones you can talk to without it being a shitshow. We’re having a dialogue. I’ve felt this entire time like everything I say, someone is going to search for one thing to deliberately misinterpret or magnify unnecessarily when, if there’s something that they have an issue with, it could be a perfect opportunity to educate me instead of people being hostile. I’m college educated and can think critically, I’m moderately well spoken, I’m open to instructive criticisms and discussing things that aren’t agreed upon so I’m just sort of confused by the fact that what I’m saying is being picked apart by other anons and to a degree, you. You all want to change my mind about age gaps, despite me being with someone older irl and feeling safe and genuinely valued for the first time in a relationship in my life so why do you think that calling my dead grandpa names, redirecting the conversation and then kinda mocking me when I attempt to understand wholly and agree with some of the things you’re saying? That’s not going to convince me or anyone else. It just makes people feel defensive. Reiterating here that I’m not saying YOU specifically need to talk about racism more, and I’m not trying to diminish your experience or anything like that In just saying that those topics (discrimination of any kind, abuse of any kind) in the community are things we should be discussing instead of ships we think aren’t comfortable. I feel uncomfortable with relationships in real life and in rp all the time but that isn’t up to me to say it’s wrong or bad. It’s no ones right to tell any two consenting adults that what they’re doing is wrong. But it is a human right to tell someone when they’re being insensitive, and that’s a flaw in the community that people can be educated on and learn to handle with more sensitivity and knowledge but we’re never going to reach that point if we’re all just hostile and cruel to one another. Also reiterating that I’m not using personal examples to get cred, I just like examples because I think using them shows where I’m coming from so that any person who wants to have a dialogue can have a frame of reference for why my opinions are what they are on any topic. If I’m wrong, or insensitive, or just kinda dumb I want to know that but simply telling me I’m wrong or insensitive or dumb doesn’t teach me how not to me. And this doesn’t just mean me, I mean the whole community. It will never improve if we all just talk about the things we don’t like and give no feasible solutions.

alright i see what you want so let me switch to my white pleaser voice and deliver since you're so keen on being patronizing and in the same breath, acting like me taking what you say "the wrong way" is the problem. in bullet points so next time u come back to keep going at it u can pinpoint exactly what it is i misconstrued because u will do it anyway.

you're asking the community as a whole to care more about racism but you're talking to me who's leading the conversation in the first place. i understand you didn't imply i specifically should care more about it, but you're still using racism to discredit my point of view on age gap relationships being an important topic to discuss as well, and watering it down to just me not liking people's plots when that is not the message.

nobody is telling anyone how to live their lives. im bringing awareness to the fact that this culture is not okay. it's dangerous to our young. it NEEDS to be uncomfortable to you (you, plural) to invite to this so called critical thinking.

im not saying your partner doesn't have a right to be loving or grandpa and grandma had abuse masked as a good relationship. im saying, since it needs to be spelled out with no room for misinterpretation; the culture behind someone 10+ years older finding it completely okay to pursue someone that much younger — especially when we're talking 18 - 30 age range — needs to be looked at more closely. it's not safe in general. do exceptions exist? absolutely, but the whole two consenting adults point is a terrible one to make when at 18, you're considered that when you're still essentially just a child.

a strict age limit, which most groups adopt now, does little to actually prevent age gap relationships within roleplays. moreso, uneven power dynamics within plots being glamorized. my boss is not over 5 years older than me, but he is my boss. kpop boybands don't have age gaps of 10+ years in groups, usually, but there is a leader most times acting like a father figure, not to mention korean culture is heavy on emphasizing age-related hierarchical order, so a literal still wet behind the ears child establishing a romantic connection with someone who is not their equal? dangerous.

now let's halt. i already told you, i don't give a shit about respectability politics. it is not my job to be nice and educate anyone. and i don't mean just on this blog... most of you whites have come to assume and expect, even, that poc will be subservient, docile, and always willing to switch and nicely explain to you why the very core of the way you think about the world because you grew up sheltered w/e is not the whole picture for everyone. the worst part? most of them do. most of them do put their thinking caps on and write these novel worthy, intelligent, respectful, calculated think pieces only for the white in question to turn around and still deem it aggressive, etc. i don't do that. that is labor that most of you do not deserve.

the implication that there are feasible solutions for these problems that don't require for people to literally rework their entire mindset is naive at best. what am i supposed to do? be like nooo don't be racist, racism is bad BECAUSE it hurts people. i think all of you are old enough to know that by now. you definitely have enough internet exposure to know that, even if you grew up in all white sundown town america.

i explain my points. i actually explain my points more than the average person, yet here we are still saying im not doing enough to educate those around me as if it was my responsibility to change the way people think with sugar spice and everything nice so they feel their hand is held and it's safe to make a mistake that will consequently hurt other people as many times as they need to make it to finally grasp the reality of it and be able to just... not do that in the future. when no. no. when you hurt me, im allowed to react emotionally, not intellectually. when im angry and upset and still explaining why, its YOUR job to swallow it down and listen to what im saying, because YOU hurt me. i don't owe you civility (again; you, plural). i especially don't owe you civility when ive given you nothing but in the past and the end result is still me being an aggro freak who doesn't care for your precious feelings.

you're also assuming things. for example, assuming that im mocking you specifically when i really have not done that. if im going to mock you, im going to reply to your anon and say "okay stupid", then yeah, im mocking you. otherwise? don't assume im directing anything at you.

we're having a dialogue and this whole time all you've done is tell me to stop talking. your messages have all, in essence, said, if people want to date other people who have a shitton of years on them, that is not a problem and you look prettier talking about something else. yes, that's also paraphrased. you didn't say that, of course, but why are we still here if not because you feel personally scrutinized over the reaction to the life examples that you willingly provided?

nobody is trying to change YOUR mind, you're just not willing to consider that your age gap relationships that have been beautiful and loving and safe coexist within a culture that is wicked. a person who's 10+ older than me, 24, has no business seeing me as a potential partner. it's not appropriate. yet if they do, and i also see them as a potential partner, there's nothing inherently evil about that specific instance. it is the circumstances (past), that lead to this kind of thinking in the first place what im asking everyone to analize and understand. and it does matter. it matters as much as racism, abuse, ooc mistreatment of rp partners. again, issues do not queue and wait for something to end so they can begin anew. every conversation i choose to have i consider worth having. you're free to stay out if you don't deem it important.

you're exhausting me thinking by turning my inbox into ap debate we're achieving grand things sooo hope this helps 🖤

[hotcocosharing]

Second Chance Part 17 (IM RP)

Shunichiro Tachibana 

With her lips ghosting against mine, I want nothing more than to feel her lips on mine again but I am not longer sick or drunk or simply run out of excuses for the rabbit hole we are digging ourselves into. “Are you sure?” I whisper to see Midi rolling her eyes and shuts me up by connecting our tongues.

Moments ago, we’re still bickering our unsolved differences and now, she’s sitting in my lap, straddling my hips and kissing me passionately. Her soaked shirt pressing against mine along with a new spot of moist begins to form between her thighs.

My heart couldn’t beat any louder with my ex girlfriend draining the life out of me, the person who I have not seen or heard for three years, who has showed me the best and worst kind of love, who manages to rip my heart out as I demand for a straight answer and invades my soul instead.

How wonderful this feels, to finally have her in my arms again- this is what I want, isn’t it? This would lead us back on track, wouldn’t it? Back to where we left off or to start over? Is this it, our ultimate solution?

Feeling Midi’s hands wandering from my chest to the back of my neck with her fingers tugging on my hair as my hands pull her closer by the waist and grab her bottom firmly, earning a soft moan against my mouth and grinding further down on me. I gasp and reluctantly break away from our heated kiss while her busy hands crawl underneath my shirt slyly and soon feel her cool palms have now reached my stomach. The invisible flame inside me gets worse and I am close to losing it, close to.

The horrid flashback of her slamming the door at me, the image of her blaming me for leaving her all alone during weekends, vacation or any other important dates that I would always missed out on; I stop her left hand that’s about to unbuckle my belt, looking into her lustful but confusing eyes and I know, I couldn’t risk to hurting her, not again.

Her messy wet hair, her red lips plump and swollen from our make out session, and her face is just as flushed as mine. Caressing her cheek in hopes to calm her a little or intentionally triggering the opposite as my fingers trace down her jeans, unzipping and pulling down just enough for me to slide into her lace undergarment.

Amazed and aroused at how turn on she is, this would make it easier and much quicker. Without further guidance, I find her heated core and massage over the nub, adding more digits as her moans get louder till a satisfying cry of joy escapes her lips with mumbling of my name while her body shuddering as my fingers pulls in and out through her blissful high.

By the time she glances back up at me, my phone vibrates right on time and startle Midi to climb back onto her seat next to mine. She looks a little wrecked with sweat dripping down her forehead and her hair sticking to her face, a wide grin spread across her loving face which I know is not going to last as I step out of the vehicle and open the trunk.

Holding an umbrella before I grab her bags and open her side of the door, “Here, I’ve called Uber for you. Car service is going to take forever, why don’t you head home first?”

The sound of pouring rain helps hiding the gasp of surprise or disgust Midori has made as I escort her to the car like a gentleman and wave goodbye like nothing’s ever happened. Nothing happens, I keep reminding myself as I return to my seat and wait for my own rescue to arrive.

Midori Katayani 

Hot – that’s the only word in my entire range of vocabulary that I want to use to explain how I’m feeling right now; hot with an insecure dash of bother as I wish and plead silently to myself with a humble groan that Shunichiro’s hands were somehow still on me. They made me feel as if I was home.

It is a small sigh that escapes from my lips as I clamber into the passenger seat and wriggle around with the intention of dancing back into my jeans. When I head that an uber’s been called for me, I don’t even bother to ask or wonder – he’s cut tonight short for whatever reason but I’m sure that I’ll learn his reason as to why eventually. Whether it’s another argument or simply small talk over coffee one day we still need to sort out our differences.

Our night together – even though it’s already morning ends here with a gentleman styled gesture I hadn’t had the pleasure in experiencing for a while as I’m escorted to the car that’s here to collect me and without a real goodnight or goodbye or a ‘we’ll talk soon’,it’s just a wave that I can baely see I’m already been wizzed off to my apartment. My head is in a right mess of confusion but I’m not ready to sort it out yet.

To say that I’m on cloud nine for the rest of the day would be a total understatement – the air seems fresher, food suddenly tasted better and I’m hyper aware of all the little things that are happening around me. There’s a rosy blush on my cheeks and a smile across my lips that it seems everybody notices and in hushed whispers that they think only they can hear – wonder.

My mother is the first to ask me of why I’m in a good mood when she stops by my apartment to get an opinion on the new range of clothing she’s been working on for the upcoming Tokyo Fashion week. I’m sipping on camomile tea with the intention of remaining quiet until she says something which ignites my curiosity.

“Have you told him that you’re in love with him or that you still just ‘want him’?”

Swallowing hard, I’m frustrated to learn that I’ve lost my voice and can’t reiterate a response and she continues talking.

“Your father and I were like that while we were separating – ‘I want you’, ‘I need you’, ‘I don’t want anyone else to have you’ – I never told him that I was still in love with him because I was afraid he just wouldn’t have the time to reciprocate because of how little we saw one another and because of how much we were constantly working.”

Gulping down a mouthful of tea, I cringe in my seat with how familiar this all sounds to me. I can sense a cold sweat sweeping across me and curse beneath my breath as I’m not ready yet to let go over this hot, bothered, him still on me feeling. Stupidly – naively, without thinking, I open my mouth and let my mother know exactly what it is that I’ve been thinking.

“He doesn’t want to get married.”

I can feel my grip tighten around the tea cup which if I’m not careful with is going to shatter under the pressure of my fingertips.

“And that bothers you?”

My mothers voice doesn’t show any emotion – it never has whenever our topics of conversation involve Shun as she constantly reminds me she doesn’t want to get involved but of course, is already ready and willing to give her unbiased – or at least in her terms; opinion. Does it bother me? Yes. Why? Because even while we were together it was just something that I had hoped for yet never mentioned. A next level display of commitment that I’m not sure when or how I’d just wanted, craved and expected since I was a little girl. When all my friends started to become engaged around me I was more than thrilled to be happy for them. Soon enough, even comedicly so I quickly earned the title of ‘always the bridesmaid never the bride’. Engagement parties turned into weddings turned into baby showers turned into families and I’d be lying to myself if I said I wasn’t the tiniest bit jealous.

Shun having a love affair with his job that he doesn’t want to give up on I could live with, but I wasn’t prepared to just be a convenience of company for him, I at least had convinced myself back then and was ready to convince myself again now that I was worth more. 34 and single – just let that sink in Midori; you’re 34, single and for whether it was the right or the wrong reason just hooked up with your ex under very in-classy circumstances this morning and it was the greatest feeling ever.

“Bottling up whatever you’re feeling isn’t going to help sweetie. You need to talk to him.”

There she goes – trying to give her unbiased opinion on the subject. Do I need to talk to him? Yes. About this? Well no – but there’s so much more I feel we still need to discuss. My mind sets itself into overdrive and for the next three days I’m second guessing and trying to break down and explain every single part of our relationship to that fateful, walking out and not wanting to look back day.

Waking up in a cold sweat a little after 4am; that last fight we had on the night I decide to leave is the reason I’ve been having trouble sleeping. It’s a nightmare that just keeps playing over and over and over again every time I shut my eyes and rest my head. We need to talk – I should call him.

Reaching over to the bedside table I grab my phone and half blinded by the light punch his number in. I’m so tired that I can’t quite tell if he’s picked up or it’s hit voice mail or maybe an answering machine but I blurt out the first thing I’m thinking.

“I’m still in love with you….I’m coming over - see you in a bit. ”

#good parts #irresistible mistakes shunichiro #irresistible mistakes rp #Irresistible mistakes #irresitible mistakes #irresistible mistakes role play #shunichiro tachibana #shunichiro x oc #IM Shunichiro #voltage rp #voltage role play

[weedeyedhoney]

a post about my crush. i need to let my feelings out somewhere.

i hung out with my crush two nights ago and not to sound like a 2010 taylor swift song, but it was a fairytale. but like, my kind of fairytale. i can’t even explain to you how relaxed i felt the whole time i was with him. when i like someone, just being around them makes me feel at ease. there’s no awkward silences, or uncomfortable body language. that’s how i usually determine who i want to be around, and who i’d rather stay away from. he doesn’t make me feel weird around him, and i don’t overthink. i’m literally..... just..... living in the moment. there. is. no. other. place. i’d. rather. be. i love that feeling. i love carrying alone with a clear mind and carefree attitude. i love not worrying about the next move, and enjoying what’s right in front of me. that’s how he makes me feel!!!!! two days later, and i still don’t want the night to end. i can’t wait until i see him again.

he’s so funny. his humor is cute. and dorky. and i kid you not, i was probably wearing this goofy ass smile the whole time. i remember being so nervous about meeting up with him. i mean, i went alone. i didn’t want him to think “wow this bitxh really has no friends.” i was worried that i’d get there and he’d already be gone. it was supposed to be a casual meet up, i mean WE’RE FRIENDS, but the virgo in me always has to overthink the worst case scenario. but i arrived at the bar, with the big upstairs room that looks over the horrendous view of dirty 6th. it’s funny how we lose our minds in such a dreadful place. it’s even funnier how that doesn’t bother me at all as long as he’s around. the bar wasn’t as crowded as a saturday night. the room was kinda empty, and the floor seemed like it stretched for miles. i walked starting at the ground, and glanced up every few seconds trying to spot him. in the midst of getting caught up in my own thoughts, i notice two feet planted right in front of me. i look up and see him...... my crush!!! it was like a movie. deadass. it was like we were the only two people in the room. he gives me a hug, and looks happy to see me. every negative thought in my mind vanishes. “hey there you are” he says. “we’re actually about to leave, but come on, you can hang with us.” bet. i’m up for it, i’m up for anything. we find his friend, his best friend, and we head out. we go to his bar across the street. his friend, who is a dj, finds interest in the dj playing that night and goes up to talk to him, leaving my crush and i alone. just like any other modern day romance, he buys me a beer and we stare at each other awkwardly (but like, cute awkward) and small talk until we get bored of the place and leave. the three of us continue to bar hop around. the whole time my crush was being the life of the party (cancer nodded). we people watched from the upstairs at this one club, and started throwing straws at people becuase we’re immature, but geez. i was laughing the whole time. everything felt lighthearted. he’s so..... cool.

then shit started to get rocky. we arrived at what would be the last bar of the night. as soon as we arrived, his friend decides to leave. i panic. this would mean my crush and i would be alone!!!!!!! fuck. his friend leaves and we sit there on this picnic table until i break the silence by saying “we should take a shot! your birthday shot!” he agrees, but also, a little distracted. “i think i’m going to talk to her.” i turn around and see this white girl sititng at the end of the table. “oh....” i start, “uhhh well okay” i stand there, a little awkward. i’m really sure what to do. i’m not about to get a shot for someone who is just going to leave me there alone. he turns around to smile at the girl, and she gives him this awkward smile back. i see her make eye contact to this guy in line buying drinks. ah ha! this girl’s already taken. do i tell my crush? well, i try, but he chooses to be a guy and not listen. hm. “i think i’m gonna go to the bathroom first.” i tell him. then i leave and let him realize on his own.

while in the bathroom, i begin to reevaluate this whole situation. 1. i know that i like him. 2. but he thinks we’re just here as friends. 3. jealously in an ugly look on me. 4. if what i think is true then that girl is out there with that other guy and he’s sititng alone by himself. i pull up my boss ass bitxh pants (even tho i was wearing a dress), and go back out there. listen. im a virgo. a mutuable sign. whatever fate decided for me, i was just going to have to deal with it. i walk back out and sure enough, he standing alone that THAT GIRL IS WITH THAT GUY!!! i let out a sigh. i knew it. i either had two options. 1. to walk back to him and act petty, distant, and uninterested bc what the fuck. or 2. pretend nothing happened and i wasn’t bothered, and be his friend. i chose the latter. i went up to the bar, made sure he didn’t see me, and asked the bartender to order me two of the sweetest shots. i knew my crush wasn’t a big fan of straight shots, which is why it would be a good idea to give him something sweet, that would drown out the taste. i got the shots, paid, and literally danced my way back to him. nelly’s “hot in here” was blasting on the speakers. he turned around to see me, and fuck, got this big smile on his face. “here you go!!! i got the two most sweetest shots!! they should be good.” i don’t know what came over me, but after that incident, i started being more talkative and open and less shy. it was a great idea on my part. earlier in the night he mentioned how he wanted to get high, so i asked him, “how long do you want to stay here?” and he responded, “i’m ready to leave when you are.” and i said “let’s go get high!!” and we ran off. from then on the vibe was different. i have it separated into two parts: before the white girl, and after the white girl. it was as if the beginning of the night was the opening act, not really sure how the night would go so we were both playing it safe. but after we left the last bar, everything felt more personal. we were actually having real conversations and joking like we hung out everyday. it reminded me of the first night we met. everything was so fast paced, but time was still going slow enough for us to wallow in every second. there was this rush!!! this burning energy that wasn’t going out anytime soon. there was literally not a dull moment. out energies bounced off each other, quick. and there was passion. i swear.

we arrived to his car that was parked at his best friend’s place. we got in his car and he quickly realized that the weed was left in his friends place. we waited for his friend to get home and went inside to get the highest of highs!!!!! “this is my friend _____’s place. as you can see..... i don’t bring just any random girl up here. consider yourself lucky ;)” asjsljsl!!!! i want to pull all my hair out. we sit down and this bitxh pulls out the weed and off we go. i notice that he has a cancer lighter..... ummmm my kink??? he points over to his friend’s dj set and his friend begins free styling while my crush and i start falling in love *ahem* i mean, talking in the background. i feel like this was one of the most crucial nights of the night. i’m kind of glad we weren’t alone because being around him and his friend, in a setting where he’s probably very comfortable, caused me to get to know a side of him i hadn’t seen before. he’s very talkative, very smart, and very opinionated, but not in a rude way (cancer nodded, again). i think what attracts me the most to him is that he seems pretty normal, like, real. he doesn’t try to be anybody that he’s not. what you see is really what you get and i like what i see. we started talking about school. he asked me what my major was, 4 months after knowing me. how hot is that?? my worst question ever is “what is your major?” i told him i didn’t know. instead of saying “well what do you like to do?” (which is my second worst question), or making me feel like a dumbfuck for not knowing, he said “hmm. well you’re really good at reading people. i can tell. and you also seem like you’re really good at talking to people too. maybe a therapist? i don’t know. i’m not telling you that that’s what you should be, but it’s always an option. i nod in agreement , and he continues, “but you’re smart, and i know you’ll figure it out.” what a perfect answer. what a perfect response. i proceed to ask him about his school life, and he gets a little stiff. kind of the way i do when people ask me. “uhhh well, i was supposed to graduate next semester, but i don’t think that’s going to happen. i have a lot of stuff going on, and i might have to be a part time student.” but that’s okay. you finished when you finish. i reassure him and then he reassures the both of us, and the next topic of the conversations appears.

i don’t know. i like him because he’s not put together, and i see a lot of that in myself. i love whenever i see my own reflection in somebody else because it’s easier to resonate and empathize and it always makes me feel more comfortable. it’s an indicator that i’m about to let my walls down, no control. we went to mcdonald’s after we got high as a kite. he drove. his friend sat in the back seat. i sat in the passenger. the windows were rolled down. i felt so chill, and i cannot reiterate how comfortable i felt the whole entire time. he started asking me questions about my best friend, noting that our friendship was “so cute.” he continues to make dumb jokes. ugh god, he’s so funny. he pays for everybody’s meal (ugh cancer nodded, once again) and then drops me off. by that time it was 4 am.

im not worried or stressed about this crush anymore. i think tuesday gave me a lot more confidence than before. i think my next move is to continue hanging out with him and being friendly. i don’t want to rush something that i really want.

[julieneandcrisselesjourney-blog]

Saturday, November 18th

12:17 AM 

So I’m typing this on my phone, and well... It’s hard, and my phone’s going to die. I’ll just fix it when I get home. Anyways... Damn. I dont know, the only reason why I need to go home is because I’m wearing a t-shirt and shorts and it’s so cold... But I always come here to just clear my mind and truly think about everything, mostly about us. My mind always drifts back to our first date, here. And I still have that picture... the one of you hiding your face in my soldier, but corner of your face is a smile... I remember it so so vividly whenever I’m here. I remember talking about a lot of things, both kinda dumb and then really personal. I remember asking you to feel my hand or wrist because there was pain (obviously I did it to see if you would actually touch my hand haha). And then our leisurely stroll down the sidewalk... I remember legitimately staying there for hours and just talking. And then at the end, our cute and awkward way of hugging each other... First hugging extremely wrong, then hugging oh so extremely right... Fuck. I miss you... I’ve been here since 7 PM, and before that my parents took me out for TEG because they’ve been wanting to know how I was doing. They knew I was just straight up depressed, I mean they’ve known the whole week how sad I’ve been because I just call them for the company at night... I miss you a lot. Again, I have no problems with you going out love... I just don’t ever want to think of the feeling that I lost you to somebody else, and I already know that there are so many guys out there attracted to you, and you attracted to them and it’s just a very tough thing to think about... This topic is legitimately my kryptonite. It’s the thing that really eats me up at night, and the thing that keeps me sharp and awake... But if you truly love me, and this is really supposed to work out; whats meant to be will be. 

 I miss you, so so much. I don’t know why I’m already in the mindset that things are getting better and we’re hopefully working towards getting back together- I know that you aren’t there yet so I’m doing my hardest to just... hold my horses you know? Not get too ahead of myself when it comes to me and you... I want to give you the time and space you deserve to just live your life and/or think about whether we can give us another shot. I just miss you so much... I’ve been at Harbor Island just thinking again. You told me to go out, right? Haha, I was actually invited to a couple parties and I waited this whole week to get to the weekend, to get in SD to be with people but I cant help but just be alone... I love you. More than you can possibly understand, and I’m sorry. I could just reiterate everything that I’ve said the last two weeks, but I’m sure you understand everything I try telling you... I’m sorry for hurting you, and I know its hard for you to look past it and truly forgive me... but I just hope you know that I love you so much, and if given one more chance I’d prove to you that I would never leave. Never. No amount of fights could make me leave again (but honestly when I think about it, I dont think we’d fight too much- I feel like we’d really do our best to work everything out).... yeah. Anyways, I know youre going out tonight and I probably wont hear from you until later in the week. I need to stop smothering you. I should give you space, even if all I really wanna do is hear your voice and see your face, even if you’re sleeping... I just love you and I miss you so much. It’s so hard to just resist the urge of texting you... and not talking to you is the worst. Please come back.. I’m sorry. I just want you to be with you. More than anything in this world, I just want to tell you I love you and know you love me back. I just want to know I can hug you and kiss you as my girlfriend. But no, its okay... we arent there yet. I need to get that in my head... I need to slow down, and like you said not get my hopes up. I’m so afraid you wont come back, yet I keep putting myself out there for you because I hope and pray that you do.... Again, I love you. Stay safe please. Im gonna head home now... Goodnight my love.