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divinefireangel · 3 years

Note

au: vampire Hwiyoung x human reader, lovers?

Finally doing this.... ✧⁺⸜(●˙▾˙●)⸝⁺✧ʸᵃʸ

Ok tbh I think I went wayyy to overboard with it but I love vampires and SF9 so eh. Also I have no clue what's going on in here 💀💀💀💀💀. Sorry if it isn't exactly what you wanted op 🥺. I tried *pouts*.

Warnings: Fluff mostly. Vampirey stuff. Sex stuff 👀. Blood drinking. Angst? Death. Sickness. Puking. Like 2 lines. Ahh very long 😂. Should've probably written it as a fic but oh well 🤷🏾‍♀️. I think this also is kind if like a soulmate au. Lmk if I need to add more.

So cocky.

That's all I'm seeing 😂

He's the kind to have any human or vamp do anything for him, with him, etc, etc.

A fairly famous vampire, amongst all of the ones who exist

Loves travelling the world

Meeting new people

Trying new things like food, kinks, new blood types too.

Lives for the thrill of almost getting caught

Flashes his red eyes when he wants to peak someone's curiosity in him

He's all mysterious and that's just so infuriating to not want to get to know him

But he doesn't let anyone get close

He knows it's not right to turn someone into a vampire

He'd never do that

Also he took a vow with his first and last love, to be each other's only forever

But alas, first loves never last

And neither did his

The vow however, lasted longer than the life of his first love

It was to never fall in love with a human again

For he was the one who had completely drained his first love, of their blood, to complete his transition

The realization of what he'd done hit him too late

So the vow was kind of an untold tension hanging in the air, that just grew with every passing second as Hwiyoung drained his lover's blood

He masks his sorrow, with cockiness

But all of his resolve wavered when he saw you

Just laughing, minding your own business

Talking with your friends in the cafe

Your hair flowing with the wind

Laugh echoing it's way to his heart

For once, in his long long life, he didn't just want someone, he longed for them.

After centuries of sad loneliness, he saw you

He heard your heart beat steadily as you spoke with much enthusiasm

Intriguing everyone around you

Not that you noticed

He felt like shedding a tear, his heart hurting the longer he looked at you

But he just couldn't look away from your sweet smile & bright eyes

The next few days pass by him looking at you from afar

Now you weren't one to not notice and do nothing if some random creep followed you everyday

So naturally you confront him by cornering him

He honestly didn't think you had it in you to trap him

Something about being so close to you, even when you are interrogating him just makes him want you to be his even more

That's when he sees you, like actually sees you

Your angry yet curious eyes, the lovely tint on your parted lips, your tongue in between your teeth, and so much more

Never thought this would happen, but he's speechless

So bound by your beauty he isn't even able to defend himself and his actions

When you're about to leave, he grabs your elbow and exchanges your positions

Cornering you and towering you as he introduces himself

The way he is so close to makes you breath hitch and heart beat faster, blood pulsing through you at a greater speed

He knows he's peaked your interest in him

He knows that you're conflicted

He knows that he will be too, sooner than expected

He will try not to showcase his vampire abilities

But how long can he go for you know?

What will happen when he gets a scratch and it heals soon? You'll think it's a little suspicious

What will happen if you get hurt and bleed? Will he be able to just tend to your wound without letting his strength get in the way?

So many questions

So many doubts

But they fade to nothing, when he looks at you

When he looks at you, he sees the most perfect human

Compassionate, caring, kind, sweet, absolutely adorable

He almost feels human too, when he's around you

And just to feel normal again, he starts to spend all his time around you

Roaming with you, circling around you like a buzzed bee does with a flower

And that's when you start your courtship

With him doing so many things with you

Helping you with your work/studies

Taking you on multiple dates

So many getaways

Getting you so much jewelry

Matching Jewelry!!!! 🥺

Falling in love with you

Regular movie nights in

Falling in love

Moving into an apartment together

Falling in love

Doing all your domestic things like cooking, laundry, grocery shopping, getting a goddamn job, and what not

Falling in love

Discussions about adopting a pet together

Oh and falling in love.

Yup.

You have a totally lovesick vampire head over heels completely in love with you with his cold dead heart

When the realization that he hath fallen hits him, he couldn't help but cry

Because he knows that you love him too

He knows that you'd want him to propose to you soon

He knows that eventually you're gonna wanna start a family with him

Even if you don't, which is okay, he knows that you are gonna die in a few decades

What will he do when he can't avoid the inevitable question you'll ask him about not aging

About not getting sick like ever

About having so much money

About having so much knowledge and minute details about historical events which just slip out his mouth from time to time

But

What he doesn't know is that you were already suspecting something was up

You don't know when you started to notice the subtle things he did, things that no one in your time does

The way he talks so casually with everyone

His peculiar usage of words at times

How he doesn't have a single wrinkle on his surely flawless face

How he never grows a grey hair

How his skin is so pale and cold to touch

But his tongue is always so pink

How his eyes look a different colours at random moments

Your first instinct, was of course, you were being delusional.

But then you thought about your life since you met him

How everything was going so good, too good for a human and human relationship

Pain.

That's what you felt when you started to see everything

And not just emotional pain, physical too

You could feel your heart breaking

You didn't know why

Was it because you've given your heart to someone you don't even know what species is?

Or because you've wasted the best time of your life on someone who won't be with you till the end?

You're not stupid, of course you confront him

Even if it meant you'd go from being someone he loves to someone he might hate

When the question flies out of your mouth

He just looks at you with pity

Was it for you or him, he doesn't know

Swallowing, his Adam's Apple bobs in his throat

He'll gently grasp you hands

Making you sit on a chair and he'd come clean

Yes

That simple

Because he can erase your memory if you threaten him 💀

He, for the first time, has no clue how you'd react

Chewing on your finger you look at him

Saying okay

Cause you love him

And him being a vampire doesn't change the fact that he is a good person

Well was or whatever, it's complicated

He just falls on the ground

Crying and thanking you 🥺

Hugging him you realize that you're crying too

The next day is like you're both reborn

Nothing actually changed much lol

He quits his job and you quit yours

And you both just travel the world

Go to different places, new places

Find secluded spaces to fuck, just for the adrenaline

Oh yes sex with vamp Hwiyoung!!!

Uses his strength to mark you.

Uses his powers to multiply the feeling of your high

Uses his speed to fuck you senseless

Of course he goes raw, not like you can get anything from him 💀

He has good control on his hunger for blood

So he won't actually hurt you if he bites you too hard till blood comes

Everything is going, perfect, to say the least

Until you catch a bad stomach bug

You get sick till your guts come out

He hates hates hates it so much

That you're so vulnerable to such things

And that he isn't

That he can't do anything about it even when you reassure him it's okay

He hates knowing that someday you may leave him

When you do get better, he feels so relieved

You know what's coming

So you thought about it a lot

To be honest, you've been thinking about it since he confirmed your doubts about him being a vampire

He is so shocked when you say yes to him

When he asks if you want to, only and only if you do, he's ready to make you a vampire too

The idea of you also becoming a vamp just sounds perfect to him

Cause then it'd mean you'd never get sick or get hurt or die

So you can be together forever and ever 🥺

#sf9 #sf9 hwiyoung #sf9 headcanons #sf9 fluff #sf9 au #sf9 supernatural au #vampire!sf9 #sf9 vampire au #vampire!hwiyoung #kim youngkyun #hwiyoung #hwiyoung x reader #hwiyoung vampire au

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kaepop-trash · 3 years

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I hope this doesn't come across as weird (and if it does, please tell me to go outside and be a normal healthy human being) and I hope I can express myself properly so here goes.

I'm in a rather lonely period of my adult life, and for the most part I'm content. but on those days when life feels a little heavy or draining, I really look forward to reading and re-reading your writing, and it comforts me somewhat. and it gives me a little hope. like maybe someday I could make good, close friends like the ones you've described, or maybe someday I'll meet someone as interesting and dreamy as the idols you've described. or maybe someday I'll be able to adopt some of these fierce characteristics your y/ns have.

don't get me wrong, I hope this doesn't come across like I'm delusional because I don't like believe your depictions of idols are the ultimate truth (although it would be nice if they were as lovely as you wrote them) but more like they're characters in a beloved novel who just happen to resemble the face of a certain idol sometimes (does this make sense I feel like I'm rambling).

I'm sorry but this is just a very long-winded way of me wanting to thank you for sharing your gifts with us, for letting my imagination keep my hopes up, and for making me feel a little less alone. I'll build myself back up and be whole again someday, but I won't ever forget how your writing allowed me to dream of a future with better people and better experiences, and not having to settle for just anything that comes my way because maybe life can actually be that good sometimes.

First of all, this is not weird. What you describe is a very healthy way to process your feelings and thoughts because you're doing it in your own time and allowing yourself the space to feel what you want to feel. There's something to be said about how healing is a personal process and as such how you heal is up to you. No one can or should take that away from you.

Never EVER apologise for how you feel, even if it feels a little silly in hindsight. The moment you are feeling something, you feel it's absolute impact and that it good enough for it to count.

I am so genuinely glad that you see my depictions of idols the way you do because that is exactly how I intend to write them. I am merely an outsider looking in and to me they are no more than a vague base-personality and a face to base a character on. I write for myself, because it's something I believe I'm good at and something I want to cultivate and hone as a skill. Using an idol is just a way for me to have a face in my mind and just a conjecture of "How would so-and-so act in this position." I do intent to write the fics I do as a stand in for novellas, it's how I've tricked all of you into reading them haven't I? You came here for the idol, and got some healing out of it. 💀

On the same note, it's not delusional to want those things. That's why I write in a certain way. I'm someone who is a staunch believer in "everything has a purpose" and I write in the same way. I always remember that real people will read what I write and if they can take away something from it other than the sheer enjoyment of reading then I'm truly at the peak of my aim with this blog.

I have always been hell-bent on writing my self inserts in a certain way because, to me, it's important that people can read and be like "Yes a character like this can exist too." I want there to be a space for a certain kind of "Y/N" that I thought I haven't seen enough of.

It sounds silly, but art has impact and I want mine to have a certain one. I want people to know that they can have agency in their own lives, or that someone you love can and should treat you how you want. I want you to know that you can wait for a good thing if you want and that you can walk away from things if you choose. I also write characters that aren't afraid to be contradictions, to be complicated and maybe even a little problematic because I think, as people, we are all capable of those things at some point while still being valid as people. Nobody is perfect in my stories. My characters are written so that their lives don't just happen to them but instead, they make their own lives— good or bad. And I write it that way because I want people to know that it can happen. That it should happen.

Obviously not everything in life works how we want, but the point is that we make our own decisions.

I focus so heavily on writing strong friendships because I don't want to write a character that exists in isolation (unless it's specifically written to critique that isolation). I want people to know that there are things in life that are more important than finding and searching for a partner. But I also want you to know that those things can exist in tandem. Everybody has different situations, desires and dreams. I just want there to be a space where above all, people aren't afraid to go for those very things.

The sheer fact that you believe that you yourself will one day build your own being back up shows that you know what matters in life.

I sincerely hope that one day you find what you're looking for. I don't know about love, but good friends are a life long gift and I'm sure if you put yourself out there it will come. Friendship can be so pure and exist without any burdens. But even if you don't always have that, remember that the single greatest thing you will always have without fail is yourself. So I really hope that you can be your own friend, your own lover. That you can give yourself the things you like in my characters.

Till you get there, if reading what I write helps you then that is my privilege. Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your growth and don't hesitate to drop in anytime (here or in a private message if you don't want to share it so openly). I literally write these stories for you, why on earth would it be weird to me if you keep them so close to your heart? I believe that's my accomplishment as not just a writer but a human being if I have managed to touch your life in such a way.

My characters are yours to have the moment I click on that post button. Take them and do what you must to make your life a little better.

Of course fiction is aspirational, but it's also inspirational. If it helps you, that's absolutely valid. It's what I want, please don't apologise for giving me the single greatest gift any writer can ever want.

#I teared up a little writing this #I hope your doing okay #And I have a feeling that after you go through the process #you will be okay

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sineala · 4 years

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I was going through an 2009 era livejournal post where it was mentioned that most of Tony's relationship were 'sexual form of self-flagellation'. With that out I love Whitney/Tony in a relationship, is there any way you can see that working out?

Oh, man, anon. This makes me regret that I have not yet posted the story that was going to be my Cap-IM RBB last year, because I literally have a 150,000-word answer to this question in the form of fanfiction. The short answer to this question is: no.

(The longer answer: HELL NO.)

If you want me to get more complicated than that, I will say that, in all fairness, there is an era of canon in which I could have seen Whitney/Tony actually working out. But that eventually ended, and for me there's a point of no return after which any chance of this being a good, healthy, or lasting relationship becomes impossible. And since then, Whitney's grasp on reality has gradually declined to the point where I don't think that she's currently mentally capable of seeing Tony as anything other than someone who could be a personal possession of hers, a thing, an object, a prize, rather than as a living human being with his own agency. (Basically, Marvel seems to have taken a look at her and thought, "Wow, she's crazy," and it's... kept getting worse. And worse.)

Let me now provide a brief summary of the Whitney/Tony relationship, because I went and read at least fifty issues so I could write the story that none of you have read yet. Anyway. This got long enough that I think I will use a Read More.

So Whitney first appears in comics way way back in Tales of Suspense v1 #97, and continues appearing in early Iron Man v1, where she meets Tony for the first time, but also has a bunch of feelings for Jasper Sitwell. (Note to MCU fans: Sitwell is not secretly Hydra. He is a big nerd, though.)

The Whitney/Tony relationship really kicks off in Iron Man v1 #17-19, one of my personal favorite arcs, in which a LMD Tony builds attempts to become Iron Man (this is always a good plot) and Whitney kidnaps Tony because she initially thinks he's the LMD, and she's working with Midas, who wants to use the LMD to infiltrate SI. It's great.

By this point Whitney has incurred her Tragic Facial Scars and has her mask, but Tony doesn't care about the scars and, as we see in #19, is clearly interested in her anyway. He's very sweet.

She appears a few times after that, basically leaves him for Sitwell, and then comes back in a big way in Iron Man v1 #91, posing as Krissy Longfellow, his new secretary. Whom he asks out, yes. Eventually Tony finds out who she is, and by Iron Man v1 #104 or thereabouts, they are definitely in love, Tony takes her to a house he grew up in, and also Whitney reveals that she knows that Tony is Iron Man. Which she is fine with.

Then they kiss very dramatically, and it is the most unintentionally-hilarious kiss I have ever seen, because neither of them take off their masks:

I like to yell CLANK CLANK whenever I read this.

By the next issue, #105, they are very seriously together:

They are together for about ten more issues, and this is the era of canon where I think it honestly could have worked out for them. Sure, Tony is contemplating abandoning being Iron Man and an Avenger, so he'd have to come around on that, but this is when they were at their healthiest, generally speaking. They were in love. They were happy. They were happy right up until #116, when Count Nefaria (Whitney's father) died, and she blamed Tony for her father's death and left him:

So I think that was pretty much it for their shot at having a stable, healthy relationship. Because after that Whitney basically... is evil. And I think there could be, as you say, an element of "sexual self-flagellation" in there, because Tony does still care for her as a person, although I don't see that he's necessarily interested in a romantic relationship with her again. He just wants her to be good again. He wants to help her be the good person he thinks she can be, but after this point she pretty much starts to lose her grip on reality, and I don't think she's capable of being that person.

Every subsequent appearance of Whitney in volume 1 was later retconned as being a clone (because comics gonna comics), but every time she shows up in it it's basically to seek revenge for the death of her father (who of course comes back to life, but that's comics for you) and also to get Tony back, because no one else could possibly love him as much as she does. She tries to kidnap Bethany Cabe. She works with Obadiah Stane against Tony. She tries to bodyswap herself into Bethany to get close to Tony. You get the idea. These are not the actions of a particularly stable person.

But one of the more agonizing things about Whitney -- at least, one of the things that I assume is most agonizing to Tony -- is that she could have been good. Maybe she can't be now, but at one point the capacity existed in her, and we know that because one of her clones, Masque, is in fact a very good person. Toward the end of volume 1, Masque actually ends up joining the Avengers. And I would think it's very hard for Tony to know about Masque and not think that Whitney could have been her, that there's some way he could have helped Whitney become that person, if only he'd known how, whether or not that is actually possible for him to do. (Hint: it's not.) I think he blames himself for not being able to save her. Maybe that's more of the same self-flagellation.

Meanwhile, Whitney does things like lock herself in a bunker in Nevada with a bunch of her clones, which does not strike me as a great move, sanity-wise. In The Nefaria Protocols in v3 (Avengers v3 #32-34, Thunderbolts v1 #43-44), she teams up with the Avengers to fight her father, but she's not sure whether she can trust them at first.

Avengers v3 #33 is actually really sympathetic toward her; the whole thing is narrated from her POV:

Eventually she ends up attempting to betray the Avengers and get them all killed, and she is stopped only when Masque shows up and sacrifices herself to prevent her doing so, at which point Whitney decides maybe she should save the Avengers after all before leaving. I think this is probably the nicest that canon has been to her in years, and she still nearly murders all the Avengers in the process.

After that she has a few other appearances, the most salient of which is probably World's Most Wanted (Invincible Iron Man v1 #8-19), in which, as we all know, she kidnaps Tony and is generally obsessed with him. Here in Invincible Iron Man v1 #16, Tony is in the middle of having his brain deleted and yet he still remembers that Whitney is not the best person, and she would really like to run away together with him because she apparently thinks that's a thing that's going to happen:

She shows up again in Bendis' run and as far as I can remember she's portrayed pretty similarly there. She's trying to steal magical artifacts. She and Tony meet up. She tries to kill him. The usual. There's a nice splash page in Invincible Iron Man v2 #2:

Her most recent relevant appearance is actually, if you can believe it, a few months ago, in Doctor Strange: Surgeon Supreme #5 and #6. Someone has been stealing magical weapons from Strange and selling them on the black market and -- surprise surprise -- it's Whitney.

(I was actually very surprised, yes. She is, uh, not typically one of Strange's villains.)

Whitney, you see, wants to be loved:

So she's selling all these weapons because, yes, she wants to be loved. By Tony.

What the hell, Whitney? How exactly is that going to work?

Anyway, Strange needs to neutralize the magical weapons, and to do that he needs to enter Whitney's mind to find the code that will do that, and, well, this is what the inside of Whitney's mind is like:

Her mind is one hundred percent made up of her obsession with Tony. This is it. This is her brain. She is a mess. She is out of touch with reality.

And you'll never guess what the code is. Or maybe you will.

She thinks that she's in love with Tony. And she thinks that this is what love is. And she is very clearly not okay.

Because Strange is a doctor and is determined to try to help people, he offers her a new mask that will heal her:

Whitney declines:

She runs away. And that's the last we have seen of her.

So, yeah. Based on all of this, I am of the opinion that Whitney/Tony cannot possibly work out at this point in canon, because -- although she still believes she loves him -- she is very obviously no longer mentally capable of understanding what love actually is, and she's not looking to change that. We have literally seen inside her mind, so we can in fact know what she thinks. She just wants to possess Tony. And that's not going to be good for anyone.

Would she have been better than this if she'd stayed with Tony instead of leaving him when her father died? Maybe. We can't know. A lot of her instability seems to revolve around her inability to possess Tony, and, well... she would have had Tony, so maybe that wouldn't have happened. Or maybe she would have become consumed by possessing him even more. There's no way to know. And given that she's capable of this kind of break with reality, it's also possible that if it hadn't been Tony, it might have been something else entirely as a focus for her delusional thinking, and at any rate she's clearly not interested in receiving the psychological help that she definitely needs.

Man, do I love reading about her, though. And someday I swear I will post this 150,000-word fic about why they should never, ever, ever get back together.

#Anonymous #replies

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stahlop · 4 years

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Once Upon a Time 2x20 “The Evil Queen” Review

Reviews 1x01 1x02 1x03 1x04 1x05 1x06 1x07 1x08 1x09 1x10 1x11 1x12 1x13 1x14 1x15 1x16 1x17 1x18 1x19 1x20 1x21 1x22 2x01 2x02 2x03 2x04 2x05 2x06 2x07 2x08 2x09 2x10 2x11 2x12 2x13 2x14 2x15 2x16 2x17 2x18 2x19

Well, Hook is back, and he pulled one over on Regina, so that was a highlight of this episode. I liked the flashback much better than Storybrooke because Greg and Tamara suck. Like can someone tell me how Tamara managed to get Hook into a moving van? Was he still unconscious hours later and did no one notice her dragging around a guy who looked like a pirate around (because there’s no way she could have carried him)? We’ve lost the bean fields thanks to Regina, and we saw a really weird zombie Maleficent.

Summary: In the Enchanted Forest the Evil Queen wants to see what the villagers really think of her so she magically changes her appearance and ends up rescued by Snow White. In Storybrooke, Tamara and Greg recruit Hook to help them with their plan, while Regina recruits him to help her get the fail-safe. Emma doesn’t trust Tamara and drags Henry into her plan to find out what she’s really up to.

Opening: The Evil Queen’s castle

Character Observations:

Evil Queen/Regina:

If you were on the fence about whether the Evil Queen was evil before, then this pretty much solidifies it. She kills an entire village just because they won’t tell her where Snow White is. AN ENTIRE VILLAGE! Who does that and still thinks they are beloved by their people? Before she kills the village she tries to play the victim again by telling them Snow killed her father, but of course they don’t buy that and that’s how they all end up dead. The Evil Queen is very delusional. She talks to Rumplestiltskin, not understanding why the villagers won’t take a reward for information about Snow White. She feels that since she is the queen they must love her. Um, that’s not how it works. Seriously, you hated your mother and now you’re acting just like her; why would you think that would mean your kingdom would automatically love you when you treat them like shit? The Evil Queen actually tells Rumplestiltskin she’s not evil, that they only call her evil because Snow calls her that. I think the slaughtered villagers would disagree there. Once again, Regina doesn’t know how to take any responsibility for her own actions. It’s always someone else’s fault. Anyway, the Evil Queen decides that if she kills Snow that the people will then love her, since Snow won’t be around anymore (what the hell is that logic, they’ll probably love her more). The Evil Queen wants to learn Cora’s shape shifting spell to find Snow as a peasant. Rumplestiltskin tells her that it took Cora months to learn that spell, but he can transform her, but she’ll be without her magic until she transforms back. He changes her to look like a peasant with a different face. Of course, the first thing the Evil Queen sees in the village is someone using a life-sized doll of her to throw darts at her heart for a prize. The Evil Queen is appalled that no one is standing up for her. The villagers say that Snow White should be their queen, even though the Evil Queen points out that she’s a bandit and a murderer. You can see the villagers nodding their heads no in disagreement with her. They decide to burn the doll of the Evil Queen and she tries to stop them, but that’s when her guard comes and tries to arrest her for treason (for burning the likeness of the queen). She tries to tell them she’s the queen in disguise, but she has no magic to prove it (even though she knows their names and other things about them), so they arrest her and decide to cut off her head in the town square. Luckily, Snow shoots some arrows and fights the guards and saves her, but not before she gets cut by a sword and then faints after the whole thing. The Evil Queen wakes up to Snow taking care of her. She says her name is Wilma and that her family works in the mills. She’s shocked when Snow tells her she knows how to kill livestock, but she covers it by saying that she was a princess. The Evil Queen is confused as to why Snow is helping her when she’s essentially being hunted and she’s a stranger. Snow tells the story of the Evil Queen saving her when she was a child (without mentioning who it was), and how that changed her as a person because she saw the goodness in this person who saved her. The Evil Queen actually starts crying when Snow talks about how there can be a genuine, selfless connection between strangers. Snow most likely thinks she’s crying because of the pain (she’s dressing her wound), but the Evil Queen is shocked that Snow thought so highly of her as a child. Maybe she even feels a little guilty? The Evil Queen wonders what happened to the stranger, most likely expecting to hear that it was the Evil Queen, but Snow just tells her she’s gone but she hopes she comes back someday. The Evil Queen is visibly moved by this statement. After two days the Evil Queen is healed enough for them to leave. Snow gives her a sword just in case and the Evil Queen is conflicted about whether to go through with her plan to kill Snow with the sword after the kindness she’s shown her. She asks Snow if she would kill the Evil Queen if she were in front of her right now. Snow says some things that makes the Evil Queen realize that Snow knows her pretty well, even if she won’t admit those things even to herself, and eventually Snow says that she wouldn’t kill the Evil Queen. The Evil Queen doesn’t think anyone can be that good, but Snow’s opinion differs from that. The Evil Queen realizes that Snow still thinks there is good in her. Snow tells her that she’s seen it and that she could be that person again. The Evil Queen is really thinking about what Snow has said and maybe she could change. She asks if Snow would forgive the Evil Queen and be a family with her if the Evil Queen changed. You can see young Regina in her face; the hope and innocence on her face of possibly having a relationship with Snow where they don’t hate each other. Snow says she would, but puts it in the realm of having a feather bed, things that won’t be happening. The Evil Queen, sincerely, tells Snow that sometimes people can surprise you, and Snow is surprised by the village of dead people that she comes upon that the Evil Queen had killed during her earlier tantrum. The Evil Queen tries to comfort Snow, telling her it’s not her fault, and Snow realizes that. She also realizes that she wouldn’t forgive the Evil Queen. She’s gone too far. The Evil Queen’s face when she realizes that she’s lost Snow’s faith is heartbreaking. Lana Parilla does a great job in this scene. She brings up the story from before, about the Evil Queen saving her life, but Snow never mentioned who it was. The Evil Queen tries to back track by saying she read between the lines, but Snow knows something is up and points an arrow at her. The Evil Queen tells her there is good in her, but Snow doesn’t believe her, so she immediately tries to conjure a fireball, which of course doesn’t work. She calls for Rumplestiltskin, to no avail, realizes that the sword will do her no good, and runs off. The Evil Queen limps into Rumplestiltskin’s castle and he pretends not to know her. He finally tells her he did tell her to call him when her little adventure was done, but he never said he’d answer. The Evil Queen is frustrated. She demands Rumplestiltskin change her back, but he wants her to not only admit he was right, but what he was right about (the kingdom never loving her). She looks absolutely devastated about that. Rumplestiltskin wants to know what she’s going to now, and she gets her normal evil grin on her face and tells him she’s going to punish them. So glad to see she learned a lesson throughout this. Rumplestiltskin changes her back, and she finally acknowledges herself as the Evil Queen.

Meanwhile, Regina is disguising herself as a fisherman down at the docks to eavesdrop on David and Mary Margaret’s conversation about giving Regina a choice when they return to the EF. Either she comes back with them and lives the rest of her life in Rumplestiltskin’s old jail cell or stays behind in SB. Well, she can’t have that (and go check out what she says in the blooper reel, because it’s hilarious). She goes to Henry and lays out her plans to him (she tells him they’ve been hiding the beans, she has a fail-safe that will destroy SB, and they’ll escape to the EF while everyone else dies). She does the blame thing where she says Mary Margaret, David, and Emma made her the Evil Queen (no, trying to kill them all with your mother made you the Evil Queen again). She says only Henry sees the good in her, and that going to the EF is her chance for a fresh start and to be a hero. Henry is horrified that she wants to kill everyone just so they can be together. She thinks if they don’t have anyone around Henry will truly be hers and she’ll be a hero. What in the what? How in her twisted mind does this make any sense. First of all, Henry is not an object. He doesn’t belong to anyone. Secondly, how does destroying SB and killing everyone make her a hero? Henry tells her she’ll be a villain if she kills everyone. And Regina, of course, blames everyone else for keeping them apart (again, you tried to kill them). He tells her he could never love anyone that did that and why would she tell him her dastardly plan anyway? Regina shows her hand by telling him she has no one else to talk to. Henry swears he will stop her, but Regina erases his memory of the talk so he can’t; once again proving that Regina is a villain because she thinks of no one but herself. Back in her office, Regina is admiring the bean plant she now has in her office, lit very nicely in a terrarium, when Hook comes to pay her a visit. He explains about Greg and Tamara’s plans and how they want him to betray her, but he’d rather skip that and just work with her and Cora. Regina gets sad when she tells him Cora is dead. He plays on her emotions about Cora to convince her to work with him so he can help her with his revenge. She shows him the beans and he again compares her to Cora, so she wants him to help her get the fail safe, if she can trust him. She has him at total destruction of SB because that will include Gold, so he’s in. They go down the elevator in the library to underneath SB. Hook tells Regina that getting revenge will leave her empty, and that it’s an end, not a beginning. She reminds him that she will have Henry after it’s all said and done. Regina notices the magic cuff on Hook’s arm as Cora’s and wants it. Hook tries to keep it for himself, but eventually lets Regina take it. She seems very happy to have a small trinket of Cora’s, even though she has all of her stuff in her vault still. Or maybe it’s just because she’s planning on leading Hook to his doom. They are in the caverns under SB and Regina says the fail safe had to be well hidden and well guarded. Hook doesn’t understand who is guarding it, until Regina pushes him down a cliff as a distraction. While he fights zombie Maleficent, she goes to Snow’s glass coffin and gets a jewel needed for the fail safe. Regina comes back up the elevator and is surprised to see Hook up there, as a) the elevator needs someone else to bring it up if you’re not using magic, and b) zombie Maleficent was supposed to kill him. Regina looks really confused as he explains how he almost stopped his plan when she told him about killing everyone, taking Henry, and moving on. She’s even more confused about ‘his plan’, as she thought she was the one in charge. Hook brings in Greg and Tamara and now Regina’s just angry that Hook was stupid enough to fall in league with two amateurs, until she tries to produce a fireball and it doesn’t work. Greg tells her that won’t work anymore, and Regina finally has the good sense to look scared. She figures out it’s the cuff blocking her magic and blames Hook for giving it to her, and he reminds her she rather insisted that he give it to her. Regina mocks Greg for using magic against her, but he’s quick to tell her it’s science, not magic. Regina reiterates that she doesn’t know where Greg’s father is, but he doesn’t believe her. He also tells her he has another mission, and when Regina asks what it is, Greg is smart and doesn’t monologue about it. Instead, he has Tamara bag her.

Emma/Henry: Emma runs into Tamara at Granny’s, literally runs into her, with the intention of looking through all the stuff she dropped. She notices a paper with everyone’s names and alter egos on it. She asks Tamara how she’s doing with all she’s learned. Tamara says she’s okay and that Emma should understand that it’s a lot to take in. Emma insists she had Henry to help and Tamara says she has Neal to help her. Emma, as subtle as a hammer, brings up what it would mean for Henry or Neal if people were to find out about SB. Tamara assures her she’ll keep the secret, but Emma detects that she’s lying. Emma has figured out that Tamara is the ‘She’ August was warning them about, but Mary Margaret doesn’t think so. She has an excuse for everything Emma brings up, including knowing that Tamara lied to her. Mary Margaret points out that her superpower doesn’t work when she’s emotional and Emma is offended that Mary Margaret thinks she’s jealous of Tamara because she’s with Neal (well, maybe if you told her what he did to you she wouldn’t think you were jealous!). Mary Margaret pulls out the Henry card, that if Emma accuses Tamara of something, that Henry will see it as a way for his parents to get back together with Tamara out of the picture. Henry has overheard the whole conversation (that’s what happens when you live in a loft and the only doors are to the outside and the bathrooms). Emma recruits him to help, but looks pretty guilty about it. They go on a stakeout to watch for Neal and Tamara leaving Granny’s (it’s raining out, why would they leave?). They try to come up with code names but Henry doesn’t like any of the ones Emma comes up with. Henry talks about how he thought they’d be in the EF doing EF type stuff and Emma asks if he wants to go there if there was a way. Henry figures out pretty quickly that there’s a way back, despite Emma telling him there isn’t (she’s a terrible liar), he figures out Anton brought beans with him. Henry thinks he, Emma, and Neal should all get a castle together when they go to the EF. Emma starts sputtering over that scenario, but Neal and Tamara exit Granny’s so they have to duck. Emma is breaking into Neal and Tamara’s room and Henry is subtly trying to get his parents back together already. Emma straight up tells him that she is not getting back together with Neal. Henry thinks that under the right romantic conditions it could happen. Emma reminds him that she is not after Tamara because of Neal, she has suspicions outside of her dating Neal. She finally gets the door open and makes Henry the lookout and tells him to just hit the door if he sees someone. Emma starts searching and comes across a creaky floorboard just as Neal comes back up. Henry does his best, but he’s clueless when it comes to hitting the door. Neal taught Emma that move so he knows she’s broken in. Emma first tries to lie, but then tells him her theory that Tamara is who killed August. Neal isn’t buying it. Emma tells him that Tamara lied to her, but Neal says he never believed in that. She finally brings out that she saw Tamara’s list, but Neal apparently helped her make that list so she could know who the townspeople were better. Emma swears she’s not jealous. She tells Neal about the loose floorboard and promises to drop it if there’s nothing there. And nothing is there. Neal comments that he knows Tamara being there must be hard, but Emma isn’t playing into it. She takes Henry and leaves. Henry and Emma are lamenting over ice cream at the loft. Henry tells Emma he believes her about Tamara. Emma’s glad because she knows she’s right, even if she couldn’t prove it. Henry says when they do prove it, they can all go back to the EF. Emma still doesn’t seem too happy about that idea.

Snow White/Mary Margaret: Snow rescues a shape shifted Evil Queen from the royal guards when they try to execute her. She’s a pretty good swordswoman and archer. She has brought the Evil Queen to a lean-to that she is living in to help her heal after she was injured during her rescue. She basically talks to the Evil Queen about how she thinks the Evil Queen could be good again. She has seen good in her and she would forgive her if the Evil Queen asked for it. Snow would even be willing to have her as family again, but she never believes it will happen. You can see, though, that Snow would really like to have her stepmother back, as she’s the woman who raised her after her mother died. But then they come across the village the Evil Queen had slaughtered. This must be the first time people have died because they helped Snow, because she blames herself. The Evil Queen tells her it’s not her fault. Snow knows that and doesn’t think she’ll ever be able to forgive her now, because there can’t be any good left in her if she could do something like that. She now believes that there never was any good in the Evil Queen. Then the Evil Queen messes up, and Snow figures out that Wilma is the Evil Queen in disguise. She holds her captive with an arrow, but she still can’t kill her and when the Evil Queen runs off, Snow lets her go.

Mary Margaret still feels bad for Regina. When she and David are discussing going back to the EF, she feels guilty about leaving her behind, but David says they can’t bring her. Mary Margaret says that Henry won’t like it because Regina is still his mother. David begins to say that every time Mary Margaret gives her another chance, and Mary Margaret finishes it with Regina slips. No, she doesn’t slip, she doesn’t even take the chance. David wouldn’t even give her a chance when she did try to change in SB. No wonder she went to Cora’s side when no one believed in her. This is the one time I feel others are at fault for Regina’s backslide. At the loft Emma is trying to convince Mary Margaret about Tamara being bad news. Mary Margaret is in complete mother mode, trying to make sure Emma doesn’t tell Henry about her theory and also pointing out that Emma’s superpower doesn’t work when she’s emotional. Honestly, I’m a bit mad that Mary Margaret doesn’t believe her. Emma has given no indication that she has any feelings towards Neal, and she tells Mary Margaret as much. Mary Margaret just turns it into Henry thinking that if Tamara is out of the picture then his parents can get back together. Which, she’s not wrong, but at the same time, give Emma a little credit in explaining that’s not going to happen to her own son. Also, why is Mary Margaret treating Emma like she’s a teenager who is telling her about the gossip at her school. Because that is exactly what this scene reminded me of. At the end of the episode, Mary Margaret, David, and Leroy discover the bean fields have been burned down. Mary Margaret doesn’t know who would do this. Seriously? You can’t think of anyone who could discover the beans by magic and destroy them?

Rumplestiltskin: He’s not making the Evil Queen feel any better about what she’s been doing. He points out everything she’s been doing to make her kingdom not like her, but the Evil Queen is not having it. He also points out that they’ll never love her, but she doesn’t believe that either. She thinks she can make them once Snow is dead. She also decides she’s going to have to find Snow herself. Rumplestiltskin points out that it won’t be easy in her outfit (since it’s obvious she’s the queen), and that gives her the idea to shape shift. Rumplestiltskin tells her it would take too long to learn the spell, but he can change her himself. His price is for her to cut off trade from King George’s kingdom, which we all know is because he needs George bankrupt for the future to get the ball rolling on the curse and Snow and Charming to meet. The way his mind works is just so dazzling sometimes. It’s like a chess board and he has to move all the pieces and anticipate what his opponent is going to do to get everything in place. Rumplestiltskin warns The Evil Queen that she might not like what she hears while strolling about, but she doesn’t care. Rumplestiltskin does not come the three times The Evil Queen calls on him to save her. She eventually travels to his castle and he jokes about not knowing her and that he already has a promising maid. He says he told her she could call, but he never said he’d answer. The Evil Queen wants him to change her back but he wants her to not only tell her he was right, but what he was right about (the kingdom never loving her). His manipulation of The Evil Queen would be so magnificent if you didn’t know what it would bring in the future, and the fact that he’s doing it all for his own gains. When the Evil Queen tells Rumplestiltskin she will punish them all, he just giggles.

Hook: He is back and is completely sated by the fact that he finally got rid of Gold. Unfortunately, Greg and Tamara show him that his crocodile is, in fact, still alive, so they offer him a job. They offer to help him kill off Gold if he helps them. They tell him they can kill magical creatures. Hook wants to know the price for taking the job. They want him to help him find Greg’s father. He seems angry that they want him to help with something so mundane, but they tell him it’s Regina who took him, and he looks like he’s going to at least think about it. He goes to see Regina and tells her about Greg and Tamara’s plans and how they want him to betray her. He wants to just form an alliance with her and skip the betrayal part. Regina doesn’t know if she can trust him. He tells her he took up with her mother for a reason and damn if him talking about forming an alliance between the three of them doesn’t sound like he’s aiming for a threeway with all of them. Anyway, Regina informs Hook that Cora is dead, and he actually looks upset, but most likely he’s thinking he’ll have to change his plans since we know he’s going to betray her. Or maybe he just feels slightly more guilty about setting her up for betrayal. He gets all solemn and tells her that all Cora wanted was for her to win, so he’ll help her with her revenge, and Regina is still reeling over her mother’s death so she buys this. She buys it so much that she shows him the magic bean plant. He calls it an escape plan and evokes Cora again by saying how much she’d have loved that and how she wanted to take her back to the EF and start over. Regina says she’s going to do that with Henry and Hook can help her escape from the total destruction of Storybrooke. Hook is ecstatic to learn that the total destruction means Gold will also be killed, so he’s all in. They go to the elevator and he thinks Regina needs him to lower her down, but she has magic, so she’s going to need him for something else. They get to the bottom and Hook goes on about how their need for revenge has left them lonely and that it will be their end, not their beginning. Regina disagrees since she has Henry. Hook moves his arm to let her lead the way and Regina notices the beanstalk cuff on his wrist. And how she manages to notice a black leather cuff on a pirate who is wearing all black is beyond me. But she does and she wants it back. He tries to make it seem like he has some claim to it as he and Cora were friends, but Regina wants it so he gives it to her. Hook comments on the precarious place she has hidden the fail safe (underneath Storybrooke), but Regina says she needed it to be well hidden and well guarded. Hook is more concerned about who’s guarding it, and decides that he needs to look over the side of the precarious ledge they’re standing on. Regina simply answers a friend and then tells him she’s the reason why this mission is a two-man job, she needs him to be the distraction. And then she pushes him over the ledge. I’m seriously questioning how Hook managed to live for so long when he puts his back to another villain so easily. And down Hook goes, most likely breaking those ribs of his again. Definitely making his limp much more worse. Maleficent reconstitutes herself into a zombie of sorts, and Hook’s beginning to think he may not make it out. But then he gets his cocky swagger back, recognizing that it’s Maleficent. She comes after him a few times and he does manage to get her with his hook, but she just goes back together due to Regina’s enchantment. And this time she comes back even bigger. Hook looks a little scared again. Regina comes out of the elevator and is surprised to see Hook there looking all sexy (okay, maybe that was just me). He does comment on his good looks, saying he’s startling, some would say striking, and I agree. Regina’s shocked because he shouldn’t have been able to survive zombie Maleficent, but Hook says he excels at surviving. He almost believed everything she said to him about a fresh, clean start, and he keeps moving closer and closer to her and his eyes are just so blue! Regina is starting to get a little twitchy, especially when Hook says he almost put a stop to his plan, which confuses the hell out of Regina because she thought she was the one in control. He confirms it was ‘their’ plan (Greg and Tamara’s), and that they saved him from whatever Maleficent was. He introduces Greg and Tamara and tells her they have a way against magic. Regina is looking at Hook like he’s the stupidest person in the world until she tries to use magic and can’t. Regina figures out that the cuff Hook gave her is blocking her magic somehow. Hook reminds her that she rather insisted that he give it to her. He tells her that Greg and Tamara rigged it with something that blocks her magic and that it’s rather impressive. Hook just sits back and watches as Greg and Tamara take her down.

Questions:

Why are Mary Margaret and David hanging out on the dock in the rain in what I’m assuming is still winter? Are they on a date?

How can Snow see with that hood over her eyes?

How (and why) did Snow drag Wilma to her lean-to to help her heal?

Exactly how does Regina think Henry will react to her killing everyone? She’s already seen his reaction from just telling him. What does she think will change when she actually executes her plan?

Why doesn’t Regina have her bean plant somewhere a little safer than her office, like say in her mansion? She doesn’t even cover it up when someone comes in.

Why does Tamara’s list look like a cast list for a show? Why didn’t she just put the name with a dash or a backslash?

How does Neal know who everyone in town is to help Tamara make her list? He didn’t grow up with any of those people. Did he ask Emma? His father?

How does Hook know what an elevator is? I know he trapped Belle in there in The Outsider, but did he know what it was? Did he learn from Tamara bringing him down from Neal’s apartment?

Exactly how is Hook supposed to distract zombie Maleficent if he’s dead? That was a pretty far drop and if he wasn’t a magical fairy tale character, he’d be dead.

Is there humidity down in the caverns? Regina goes in with straight hair with barely a curl and comes back with a nice flip hairdo.

Observations:

The glass still hasn’t been fixed in the clock tower from when Cora threw Johanna threw it in The Queen is Dead.

When Hook is looking at Gold and Lacey, it’s still the same night as their date from Lacey, unless Lacey only owns one dress.

If you have someone else perform a shape shifting spell on you, you lose your magic ability.

The book Regina uses to erase Henry’s memory is Cora’s spell book.

The bean pod has 3 beans in it.

Hook has a limp. This is because Colin O’Donoghue had broken his leg (and why he’d been absent the past few episodes).

Tamara’s list has the following people on it: Mary Margaret/Snow White, David/Prince Charming, Regina/Queen, Mr. Gold/Rumplestiltskin, Archie/Jiminy Cricket, Mother Superior/Blue Fairy, Marco/Gepetto.

Snow’s hair looks fabulous for living in the woods. Even better than when she’s living in the castle again with Charming.

I find it hard to believe that Regina would recognize a leather cuff that Cora wore, or that Cora would even own a leather cuff when she was technically royalty.

Hook knows Maleficent from the EF.

Just a few days ago Emma and Henry finally made up and she’s already lying to him about not being able to go to the EF.

Greg and Whale should get together with all their science talk.

Timeline Issues:

The Enchanted Forest portion takes place about three years before the curse based on Rumplestiltskin’s comments about his new maid (when Belle started), and wanting the Evil Queen to stop giving financial aid to King George’s kingdom (so that he would have to ask Midas’s kingdom for help eventually).

Once Upon a Time First:

Hook stating that he’s a survivor.

So, Regina is still blaming everyone else for her failures. She has not learned anything! It’s so frustrating. Hook is as sexy as ever. And that’s all I have to say about that. But seriously, watch Hook’s facial expressions in every scene, they are fantastic! There is no way to get home now that the beans are gone, but I still feel like we’ll be using the beans somehow. Guess we’ll just have to wait and see. Only two episodes left for this season!

Please leave comments and reblog! Let me know if you’d like to be tagged in future reviews.

@searchingwardrobes @thisonesatellite @justbecauseyoubelievesomething @laschatzi @profdanglaisstuff @mariakov81 @lfh1226-linda

#once upon a time #once upon a time review #once upon a time rewatch #once upon a time 2x20 #once upon a time the evil queen

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vafanapoliputtana · 6 years

Text

June 26 2017

Its almost 4am and there are so many things left unsaid that I wish you knew. So many "if", "what could've been" and "what should've been" But I've reached the point that I need to stop wishing and you need to start listening. So many times have I tried to pick on your mysterious mind, observing you from afar and watching your life pass on a daily basis. It grew from a simple admiration to obsessing and over analyzing ever word you utter, trying to find meaning to your every action. I watched you, observed and loved you from a distance like a little kid watching her favorite movie wishing that I was part of your world too. But like anything else, I need to stop wishing. The cycle of insecurities, threatening oppositions and false assumptions caused by my indecisive, dark mind has weathered us along with time. The distance has never felt more farther than its actual physicality. Our weary minds has taken toll on both the happiness that we once enjoyed, slowly losing hope on the possibility that we'll see each other again.

You never talked much; as much I tried to provoke you. Like the moon, you kept yourself distant; stern and aloof with one side of you hidden. I guess that's why I was so attracted to you; I saw an older shadow of myself. But like anything else, I eluded myself into thinking that maybe, just maybe, if I took myself to take the risk of finally letting my guard down and stop denying what I felt for you, i'd get you to do the same too. But I didn't. It was a failed attempt that I shouldn't have taken. Now find myself caught in the illusions of my expectations: concealing the real nature of reality. I was never fond of words nor actions. (You should've noticed that whenever I'm aloof with you sometimes.) Beneath the flirtatious jokes was a part of me that wanted you. You believed that actions speak louder than words; but you have to understand that I won't believe your words nor your actions until both can work simultaneously because words can be misinterpreted and are be full of lies as well as actions can be faked. Blame it on my history if you can; it's the only explanation I can provide for this defense mechanism that has served as my second skin. In the long run, never have I heard the things that I wish I would hear you say. It wasn't your fault. I'm sorry for putting the blame on you for my expectations and the the fact that I don't trust my instincts. Nothing haunts me more at night than not knowing or believing if you love me; because a part of me feel like you do.

I don't blame you if you want to leave; but you need to understand that it's hurting me bad. Every wound feels fresh even though I said I've developed a thick skin to pain. If only you knew how much I try to look for reasons to come back; if only you know how much I'm beating myself EVERY.FUCKING.DAY for failing you. If only you knew how much I try to fight my thoughts of knowing this can never work. The only thing making me hold on is because I believe. I believe in us. But my pathetic self isn't worth the fight. I'm a nobody with nothing to offer you but a crazy little mind that causes havoc out of the blue and a pure heart. I never meant to do you wrong; or hurt you. I don't think I'm ever capable of doing so no matter how much It hurts. My intentions are genuine and far from what this bad world has caused you. I see myself in you; who thinks that with every healed wound comes a thicker skin and a reminder of what was once a source of pain. But in reality, a scar is a scar; a reminder and a mark from the past. In reality, it's very rare that we get bruised on the same spot twice. Point taken: don't be afraid of getting hurt. You cant wear an armor forever. The bruise may be the same but how you got it and from where is different. It always is.

I learned this from you. From the time we first knew each other, little did you know I admired you for this. You were my favorite peculiar thing to observe, carefully taking mental notes of your visions of reality. You added the reality to the dream I clouded myself in. You were my personal black hole as well as my moon. As much as I tried to let go, you always pulled me back with that little hope in me that you're different from the rest. That got me expecting; Expecting that one day you realize that you need me too and see you coming for me rather than waiting.

I know that this idea will never happen. I know that the only day I'll see you again will depend on me... But that's not even the case anymore.

That's the thing that hurts me the most; my very own kryptonite. I'm incapable of dependency. I hate the fact that I cant change this to make us any better; i hate the fact that you'll never go through the lengths of what I'm willing to do if I can. Compromise and sacrifices are not part of our little dictionary, but it's something we beed to accept and do to make things function.

Don't think I'm not putting enough effort. All my effort has been placed and right now I'm just waiting for the chips to fall where they may. Time is unforgiving and stern. Time has always been a unbending contradiction. I'm done trying to mend things, i'm done trying to shake things up. The chips are on your hands now.

I don't want you to expect as much as I'm expecting from you. As much as I'd love beat the crap out of you right now for being a bitch: i still don't want to hurt you as much and you're hurting me. Just to make you feel the pain of how it hurts to expect that someday maybe you'll turn out of the blue, uninvited. Do you know how much it hurts waking up to empty mornings wishing you were here? or spacing out of nowhere in the middle of daydreaming a bunch of "what ifs".. and How it hurts knowing that someone else wants you and once had you. Knowing that this person is out there to give you want I cant. I can never turn my back against you like the others did. I wouldn't be me if it wasn't for you. As scary as it sounds, you've left your mark by shaping a part of me to see things from a different perspective of how i used to see the world. You calmed me down but at the same time caused a chaos to the things i try to keep in order: my mind and feelings.

there's an intangible string of what ifs, what could've been and should've been at this point and neither of us wanted to face the mess. What ifs, what should've beens and what could've been fuzzed by "why nots'" "what should be" and "what could be."

I still believe in that, but do you?

I'm sorry if I sound delusional at this point. I warned you I'm a bit mental with psychotic tendencies. It's about time you understand what I really feel. If only i can make you feel what I feel to make you understand. If only you can let me in as much as I let you in even though you're more of locked diary and I'm more of an open book. I want to make you understand that even your slightest actions affect me. Maybe I don't know what Im saying; nothing is crystal clear at this point but the fact that I'm hurting. It's all pain I see and feel at this point. No song or any other piece of craft can interpret this.

I dont want to be the one choking you

If you want to leave; just go.

I'm not going to stop you.

I cant keep being selfish.

If only we can go back to the place where we began; a fresh new start. Not as strangers but at the point when we were still happy.

I need to learn how to stop expecting and as always, i'm learning it from you.

But don't shut me out. Don't burn our bridge.

Thanks for everything.

You know I love you.

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loquacious-lavender · 3 years

Text

it started as a sleep diary. ended in clarity.

A friend bluntly proposed the other day that dreams have no meaning. As someone who was raised religiously, I suppose I’ve always thought they had to. Left and right I was told about the dreams my mother would have of God, or the ones she’d have that were a bad sign, trying to tell her to change something in her life (The next town for us to live in has literally been picked before based on her dreams and what God is “telling” her). This way of thinking has made it so I never stop thinking. When I wake up I keep myself awake analyzing what I dreamt of.

This time a train, a dead wolf, and someone important to me- who was emotionally crushed because they couldn’t save it. I think I saw the same staircase in a nightmare of a basement where I wasn’t alone. Even recalling that disturbs me.

I’d normally assume that this is guilt symbolism, that I need to fix what I’m doing wrong in my life to stop feeling said guilt. But I was over the moon happy before I slept. I wasn’t feeling bad. A few times now I’ve had this experience… being happier than I thought I could ever feel, really, but waking up panicked or confused.

Are dreams nothing more than your head blending its memory bank and stirring the straw?

Some people dream fucked up things that they’d never want to happen. I’m not so certain that there IS some hidden desire, or the subconscious trying to make you aware of something.

Perhaps not always? Trauma will find you there, but other things are at random.

I’ve had a nightmare of my mother crumbling into dust in my hands, and it all being my fault because I messed with forces that weren’t Christian. Nightmares of being hunted down or watched. Nightmares of killing myself (and it being out of my control), which I still suffer from.

I recently heard from a speaker that her dreams of suicidal ideation eventually went away as she healed. It was like I took a breath after holding it for so long. I want them to dissolve, I want that too. I’m fairly stable in my waking hours… I don’t want that reminder anymore.

There’s a recurring nightmare I’ve had since I was little of a large wheel, a scene from Scooby Doo that wasn’t scary, etc. This is one I’d always enter a delusional, half-awake state due to.

I had night terrors as a child, far before I even knew of anything to be that scared of. Apparently locking myself in the washroom and screaming. I would sleep walk, would fall down stairs, would mutter strange things. Once or twice the muttered things were related to things I was worried about, crazed rambling about needing helmets when I was going to be rollerblading the next day.

I couldn’t help but think things were inexplicably linked.

Someone I talked with once had a sexual nightmare about a parent. When you hear things like this, knowing full well that’s not what they want at all, things are finally clearer.

Maybe sometimes food is eaten too close to bed or there’s hunger/dehydration and a physical disturbance turns into horrors in the dream-scape. I think most people have had a nightmare at least once about pissing yourself if you downed glass after glass of water beforehand. It could be less complex psychologically. Certainly less connected to spirituality.

I was told that if I prayed to God, He would keep me safe. He never stopped the nightmares. This isn’t to say I’m angry with God for not taking them away. There might not be God. Thinking there was… kept me paranoid about appeasing being the only way to avoid death. If I ever believed in Him again for some reason, it wouldn’t be to impress or be saved from damnation.

Kinda cool, realizing that my nightmares haven’t been too different between being a person of so-called faith and where I am now. My life is my own. It feels so good to recognize that.

I may still tend to capitalize His name out of ingrained teachings of fearful respect but he does not hold anything over me. Let it be said, he does not.

What realistically keeps me safe is rational security measures and the people I love.

With sexual touch, sometimes it’s harder to sleep. I think it has more to do with feeling physically uncomfortable if I’m focusing on it. Might just need a good shower, not a dose of sexual repression and regret.

Sexual guilt is an oddity in itself. I’ve gone through a few phases of incessantly repeating “I’m sorry” in a fit of tears after touching myself. I don’t know which reason wins out for this. Apologizing to my body for the sensory overload, or feeling grossed out about what I had to think of to feel anything, or feeling bad for thinking about someone that way when they’re not around. Then I also just miss childhood feverishly… masturbation in particular feels like a forceful throw into new territory.

Been trying to figure this out, I’m tired of doing things by habit. Tired of looking to “normal” to base my choices around. I don’t want to cry until my nose bleeds or I nearly puke anymore.

I’d thought the guilt was induced by girls, time after time being allowed to look but not touch- being an emotional support dog but claiming I wasn’t such. Truth be told, I’ve only liked one girl particularly in a sexual sense, and I don’t think I struggled much to avoid touching the others.

It USED to be parent induced guilt. I could call it by another name, religious guilt, but that wouldn’t be true. Would it? I’m up and down with this since it’s almost like I never believed personally. The one thing I had faith in was that most of my mother’s expectations or views were correct.

Hm, current sexual guilt could be disguised self hatred actually. “They wouldn’t want someone like ME thinking of them this way.” What’s so wrong with someone like me? With me? After going through a university class that talks about the Westernized therapy approach of figuring out what’s wrong with someone, as opposed to “what happened to you?” I think I’m learning things. Thanks, post-secondary.

When I wake up, I usually hallucinate. This has happened starting this year, and what’s been different? I’ve been sleeping with my bedroom light on, directly above me this time, in this house. If anything that’s messing with my head and my vision. You know when you stare into the sun for some blasted reason? Thinking- I don’t know- that this single time you won’t blind yourself and will be able to see what the sun looks like? Then there’s this sphere of pink or white or something hazey everywhere you look. My visual hallucinations tend to look like that, but with words or unrecognizable script. These aren’t prophetic- sometimes it’s a random username of jumbled letters. Hypnopompic hallucinations, perhaps.

Someday I won’t be so scared of the dark. I’ve been going downstairs with the lights off a few times. “I’m not going to let this obsessive fear get in the way of making a good cup of tea, or putting something away.” I’ve had some success.

I’ve had physical hallucinations a rare few times, someone touching my leg, and the feeling of pressure on my chest. The fingers tracing on my leg felt reminiscent of the time I got groped. I’m not sure what’s going on with the pressure, but it usually goes along with visions of myself drowning or someone trying to suffocate me. Unfortunate at times, but that’s life. Sleep paralysis is pretty common anyhow.

Sleep hygiene is a curious thing.

Learning to save the bed for sleep and little else, to do mind-occupying things outside of it. I find this difficult because my mother owns the main floor, as keeping the TV on all day is usually the only thing to keep her sane. I’ve tried sitting on my bedroom floor. A creature of habit, most days I slink back into bed. I think it’ll get easier with time. It does come with a sense of relief and comfort: easing under the covers after living a day.

And then... there’s him. Beautiful, wonderful him. Sleep comes easy. I don’t know how to write a smile as a word here. “Him” will have to do.

#late night thoughts #quarantine thoughts #sleep #reflection

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