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astermath · 11 months

Text

unexpected guest *ੈ✩‧

pairing: steve harrington x fem!reader

summary: steve isn’t too pleased when you come home with a stray kitten. money is tight, you’re both working full time, and he was never too fond of cats to begin with. somehow, you manage to convince him to keep it anyways.

word count: 1.7K

tags: established relationship, steve and reader are living together in Indianapolis, normal sized font below the cut!

notes: been a little unmotivated recently but nothing motivates me like imagining steve harrington holding a cute animal tbh. he always struck me as a dog type, but I feel like he’d enjoy cats too. thanks to @inkluvs for helping me decide on a title and rambling with me <3

let me know if you’d like to be added to the tag list for further steve harrington related content! requests are open!

The pitter patter of heavy rain made for an eerie symphony outside the apartment you shared with Steve. The air is foggy, humid, and it usually wouldn't make him feel this unsettled. No, in fact, he quite likes the rain. When he's inside at least, cuddled up with you on the couch to inevitably watch whatever you wanted on the TV.

But the apartment is empty, at an hour when it normally shouldn't be. Steve's eyes find the faint red glow of the oven's clock; you should have been home an hour ago. Worry settles in his stomach at the thought of all the reasons you could possibly be late. Maybe you were stuck somewhere, kidnapped, or worse.

His socked feet tread along your hardwood floor, pacing with his lip caught under his teeth. Steve knows you’re a capable woman who can handle herself, but you’re never late. He knows you’re always getting home as fast as you can, having missed him and your lovely apartment all day.

He's already reaching for the phone to call you when he hears the familiar jingle of your keys behind the door. A feeling of intense relief washes over him when you open the door and he's met with your beautiful appearance. Wet, messy, and disheveled, but beautiful.

He wastes no time, strong arms winding around you as soon as your coat is off, face buried in your soaked hair.

You chuckle, awkwardly shuffling one of your arms from in between the embrace to rub over his back.

"You're late." He mumbles into the crown of your head, before pressing a kiss into it.

"I know, I'm sorry, I just got really held up at work."

Steve frowns at your excuse. Your boss is really nice, and you're usually never back late. Plus, it's a Tuesday, the café you work at couldn't have been that busy, right?

That's when he notices your other hand, clutching a bag filled with what at first glance seems like random stuff and a blanket.

"Whatcha got there, hm?" He pulls away slightly, head tilting to motion to your mystery bag.

"Oh, nothing," you try your best at a convincing smile, "just some leftovers from work." You swallow, and when you meet your boyfriend's eyes he's giving you that look. It's the same one he gives you when you ate the last bit of ice cream, or when you try to get out of running errands. You suck at lying, you're both well aware of that.

The silence is broken when a soft, squeaky noise erupts from the bag. Your feeble attempt at covering it up with a forced cough is apparently not enough, because Steve is now reaching for the bag, wanting to see for himself what you'd brought in with you.

"N-No, Steve!" You pull your arm away, careful not to shuffle the bag around too much. Whatever was inside was probably fragile, he thought. "It's a, uhm... It's a-- a surprise!" You try to sneak past him to head to your bedroom, but he stops you by wrapping his arms around your waist from behind.

"Honey," he leans his head down so his lips are close to your ear. If you weren't so focused on covering up what was in the bag, you were sure your knees would have buckled at the sound of his sultry voice, "you're gonna tell me what's in the bag, alright?"

Your shoulders drop slightly, a defeated sigh emitting from you as you turn around. "Will you promise not to get mad?"

"Sugar..." His brows furrow, already worried about what's it going to be.

"I'm serious," you look up at him with puppy eyes, "promise?"

He sighs, running a hand through his hair. He could never deny you anything when you were looking at him like that. "Fine, promise. Just-- Just show me, alright?"

You crouch down, taking off the blanket that was pretty much drenched from the rain to reveal a box. You're really careful, hands a little shaky, and Steve's curiosity grows by the second.

Finally, you open up the box. He has to squint for a moment, not sure what he's seeing exactly, so he crouches down across you to have a better look.

In the corner of the box is a tiny lump of black fur, mewling surprisingly loud for its small size. Its blue eyes are almost entirely overtaken by the size of its pupils, and it's shaking a little from what he can only assume to be the cold.

"Baby, where did you--"

"Side of the road." You reached out to run a single finger under the kitten's chin, and it wobbles a little from the contact. It couldn't be more than a few weeks old. "It was all alone, sopping wet and shivering." You sniffle, and Steve's heart nearly shatters at the sight of you tearing up over it.

"It probably wouldn't have survived if I didn't do anything," a stray tear rolls down your cheek, "so I took it to the vet for an emergency checkup, got some wet cat food, and-- I don't know, I just... Look at it, Stevie."

The small feline stares at him, not scared, just curious as to who this large creature in front of it is. Steve frowns, resisting the urge to pet it before he starts to grow an actual attachment to it.

"Honey, you know we can't keep it..."

"Why not?" You sound hurt, but you know all the reasons why. First of all, Steve doesn't even like cats. He's always been a dog person, wanting to live out his six children fantasy with a golden retriever as a pet one day. Second of all, money is tight. You both work your asses off trying to save up for a better place someday, an actual house, and a pet can bring a lot of unforeseen costs with it. Yet something in you remains hopeful. That something is also aware of the effect you have on your boyfriend, and how convincing you can be.

He gives you a thin lipped smile in an attempt to comfort you, but you're not meeting his eyes. You're too focused on the little blessing in front of you, that you've already secretly named; Olive.

Steve tries to lean in and hug you, but suddenly, the kitten jumps out of the box and onto his lap. He feels its little baby claws go straight through the fabric of his sweatpants, wincing slightly at the feeling as he attempts to capture the little rascal in his hands. To no avail, as little Olive keeps climbing up his lap and onto his sweatshirt. It's surprisingly fast, for how tiny it is.

"H-Hey, come on now, this is my favorite sweater! You're puttin' holes in it you little demon!" Steve seems a little frazzled, not sure how to delicately handle an animal this small. It seems so tiny and fragile, yet it’s jumping around like it’s Spider-man or something.

You watch as your boyfriend continuously tries to remove the kitten from clawing at his sweater, and though you’re trying to be serious about convincing him and all that, it’s kind of hard when you’re looking at just about the cutest thing you’ve ever seen. You’re already so weak for the sight of Steve by himself, let alone accompanied by an adorable little cat.

Eventually he gets a hold of Olive, holding her up with his hands as it tries to gnaw at his fingers. “Oh you’re totally staying in air jail now young lady.” He glances over at you. “She’s a girl cat right?”

You nod, and he can tell you’re holding back your laugh.

“What?”

You snort. “Nothing, just— for someone who doesn’t want a cat, you already seem pretty attached.”

“Wha— I— Ow!” he winces when Olive starts digging her sharp little fangs into his thumb. He doesn’t let go of her though, still holding her up with a gentle grip. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, I’m just— disciplining her for the next person to get her.”

“Mhm, totally.” You grin, reaching out to pet the little black lump of fur he’s holding. She seems to respond much calmer to your touch. “Maybe… You wouldn’t be opposed to the idea of fostering her then?” You look up with those same puppy eyes again, and Steve thinks this is probably the deadliest combo he’s ever witnessed. Not only does he have to deal with your pleading gaze, but it’s now accompanied by the cutest little animal too. He’s only human, after all.

He sighs, carefully setting Olive back down into her box. He just looks at her for a second, surprised at how full of life she is. He always thought cats were lazy and indifferent to their surroundings, but this little one was practically bouncing off the walls.

“No—“ he starts.

“But Stevie!”

“Uh uh uh!” he holds up a finger, halting your sounds of protest. “You didn’t let me finish, sugar.”

You huff, rolling your eyes.

“I was gonna say, no,” he reaches out a single finger to scratch under Olive’s chin, “because I have a feeling we’re just going to keep her anyways.” His eyes return to yours, and he can see the hopeful glint in your expression. “You really like her, don’t you?”

You nod, smiling warmly. “Do you?”

“Well,” he wiggles finger, watching how she tries to play with it, “maybe she’s growing on me a little.”

“You love her.” You grin.

“Well, what can I say, I got a lot of love to give.” He reaches out his arm to pull you close, wrapping around your shoulder and planting a kiss on your head. You both just sit there on the floor for a while, playing with your newfound pet until she gets all tuckered out.

“You know,” you speak softly, not wanting to wake her up, “I’m really glad you agreed to keep her.”

Steve smiles, eyes still watching Olive sleep so peacefully. The contrast to her previous hyper activeness is stark. “Yeah? Why’s that?”

“Well,” You leaned your head against his shoulder. “I have a feeling she’s going to fit in here well. Like a little family.”

His heart swells with warmth at the word ‘family’. You know that means a lot to him, and in a way, he agrees. It’s a great first step to building something more akin to a home.

“And… Maybe I already got her chipped and registered at the vet before I got here.”

He rolls his eyes. “Of course you did.”

“Love you.” you chuckle, knowing he’s going to forgive you for your impulsiveness either way.

He kisses your head once more. “Love you too.”

tag list <3

@palmtreesx3

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monstersinthecosmos · 1 year

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Do you have any advice/tips for writers with ADHD? I have ADHD and dyslexia on top of it and I've recently started writing fanfic. I love it but it takes so long for me to actually order my thoughts into something readable and find the right words to put down. I get distracted easily. I usually need to get in the mood of the fic I'm writing to have a decent flow but it's rare that I can do it. I just feel distressed cause I have so many ideas but I'm so slow at writing it takes me months to write a 5k oneshot.

Hello!!!!!!!! Yes I have some advice, I would love to share what helps me! I do want to acknowledge that what works for me might not work for you, but something that I find like mega super-duper important as an ADHD life hack is to be honest with yourself and start learning what works for you and how to find tools that work with your specific life. Like, for example, I heavily rely on routine to function AT ALL, but I know that I have to come up with a NEW routine every few months because when they become too familiar they get boring and stop working. And it took me a long time to learn it was okay to just like, leave an ineffective routine in the past and come up with a new one instead of beating myself up because it wasn’t working anymore.

(Please keep in mind that I’m in the US and I don’t have insurance so I’m like learning all this shit cold brew, white knuckling it on my own where like maybe this is extremely pedestrian advice that a mental health professional could’ve just told me years ago and saved me the time LOL)

And re: Dyslexia! I am not dyslexic so I’m not qualified to give you advice about this; if anyone wants to pop in and share please do! The one thing I know that can help is picking fonts that work for you!!!!!!!!!! Using a screen reader can also help when you’re reading to proof read so that you can hear typos or wonky sentences that your eyes miss. (I do this for all my fics and it’s so helpful!) Also if you’re in a frenzy to jot ideas down in your notes to start organizing yourself it might help to use voice to text!

This is gonna be long, I apologize LMAO. Easy for me to scream and shout because I have ADHD but perhaps not easy to read if the reader has ADHD SORRY SORRY, take it a piece at a time if you must. But I’m gonna break this into two main parts, the ADHD Life Advice Stuff and the ACTUAL WRITING STUFF.

ADHD Life Advice Stuff:

I mentioned a couple things in my last post about how I approach writers block & burnout and I think tbh I approach this from an ADHD perspective, as well, particularly the burnout part. I don’t wanna repeat too much of that but basically for me, I think it’s just extremely essential to be honest with yourself, know your limits, and build your life AROUND the ADHD. You really can take any ADHD life advice and apply it to writing. I’ve done it a lot with house cleaning advice!

I’m a slow writer, too! And it’s taken a ton of practice to get to a place where I write longer fics. But like, five years ago I don’t think it would’ve been realistic for me to sit down and crank out a huge fic, I just didn’t have the skill and practice and confidence and patience yet.

This is not a race, it’s not a contest. Patience can be frustrating but getting to where you want to be might be a slow process and take practice, and if you sit down to write and think you’re gonna crank out 50k fic on your first try it’s probably not realistic, and if you push yourself and fuck it up, it’s only going to wind up being discouraging and unmotivating in the end. Imo it’s better to be gentle with yourself until you feel confident and have the hang of it; set smaller goals and be realistic about where you’re at NOW. It doesn’t mean that you will ALWAYS be at that level, it just means you have to walk before you can run.

I would say this also goes towards having a million ideas; THIS IS ME, I HAVE IDEAS ALL DAY ALL THE TIME, but I realistically know that I do not have the time to write all of them. Sometimes I write them down in my notes app so I don’t forget, but it doesn’t mean I’ll commit to writing a whole fic. Again, you have to be realistic about the time you have and the level you can write at. Prioritize ideas that really inspire you and make you excited.

In my last post too I mentioned that a lot of times my “writing advice” is more like, COPING WITH ADHD advice and tbh I think they’re inextricable. My life was a COMPLETE disaster before I found out I had ADHD because I was constantly forcing myself to try to live like other people, to some “normal” standard, and it’s just not how my brain works. It’s important to set up your life FOR your ADHD and just make things easier for yourself. And a lot of that is very personal and individual, so when I say be realistic and be kind to yourself, YOU know you more than I do. You will know if turning your wordcount goal into a game is more motivating than not stressing about your wordcount. You know if writing in a noisy Starbucks is more motivating than writing in your cozy silent home. I think sometimes you have to just try stuff on and see if it fits and create a routine that helps you, and sometimes the routine is gonna wear off and you come up with a new one. And it’s frustrating as fuck when you haven’t figured out what works yet. It’s a fucking process!!!!!!!!!!!! But there’s something to be said for being kind to yourself and saying “It’s okay, this doesn’t work for my brain, we can try something new tomorrow” instead of “This sucks and I’ll never be good at it and I can’t do the thing everyone else can do.”

So I’ll share some like actual technical tools now but I always feel like it’s important to talk about the ADHDness of it FIRST, like. This is you, it’s how you are. Find ways to make it work for you and don’t force yourself to use random normies’ routines if they aren’t built for people like us. Personally when I started being kinder to myself and making accommodations and cherrypicking random bits & pieces of advice that I thought I could manage, I became a lot more productive and had a lot more fun writing!!!!!!! This is like putting the oxygen mask on yourself before your child.

Actual Writing Stuff:

OUTLINES.

I feel like ADHDers don’t want to hear this LMAO. And it took me a suuuuuuuuuuuuper long time to figure out a method of outlining that worked for me. I was against it at first because it made me feel way too constricted and I thought I wouldn’t be able to be creative if I was sticking to one.

People talk about planners and pantsers with writing and I started thinking of my outlines as a TOMATO CAGE. (I found out this is also called tentpole method LMAO but I’m still calling it my tomato cage.) But picture that you have enough of a framework to have some structure and keep the story moving forward, but the plant will grow however it wants to and you can arrange the limbs accordingly.

I talked about how I outline a while back in this entry too so I don’t want to repeat too much, but basically I try to think about like what’s the structure and pacing of the story and build from there. For example, my longest fic on AO3 is called Tonight the Stars Revolt! and I started it by listing out 14 kinks/sex acts and arranging them in order of escalation. So that was my outline.

Chapter 1 – Jerking off in front of each other

Chatper 2 – Jerking EACH OTHER off

Chapter 3 – Oral

Etc!

That’s how the story started, that’s all I knew, but it gave me a roadmap to work with. So you can start an outline as vague and broad as you need to, and as you approach each chapter you can start adding more detail. You can also leave yourself notes as you have ideas, like as an idea strikes you, go ahead and park it in the outline where you think it might fit. This is so helpful if you're trying to build motifs or foreshadowing so that you can be sure to plant all those seeds earlier in the story.

And again, like I said with being flexible about routines and accommodations, it’s okay to rearrange your outline! It’s not the end all be all, it’s your story! I’m constantly tinkering with the outlines as the story evolves.

But for example, say you know chapter 3 is about oral, when it’s time to write chapter 3 you can then start thinking about what scenes you might want to include, like

Chapter opens with them fooling around in a closet

They get called away to do a mission

Mission is very scary! Action! Danger!

Blowjob when they get back!

And then you add to it EVEN MORE as you approach each scene. Like, when it’s time to write the actual scene about the mission you can break it down even more

Open with the team strategizing how to escape

They get separated

There’s a fire

I also like to choreograph all my smut scenes LOL so like when it’s time to write the blowjob it’ll be like

He grabs at Shiro’s waistband

Gets on his knees

Shiro is telling him he doesn’t have to

He does it ANYWAY

Shiro tries to pull out to not come in his mouth!!

So that way when it’s time to actually WRITE! I just have to look at the next point. Like, instead of climbing the mountain that is a WHOLE FIC every time I try to sit down, I can check the outline and go “Today I just have to write about the fire.”

It breaks the story into manageable pieces!! And if your attention span is such that you can’t focus for a LONG time at once, that’s perfect! And if you’re someone who can like get into the zone and need to be really tuned in to get there, it works for that too! You’re just leaving yourself a trail of breadcrumbs to follow so that you always remember what’s the next part you need to write.

I also prefer to write full screen so that I’m not distracted (I use Scrivener which has a full screen and you can customize the colors so I have full screen & dark mode!) and I keep all my notes in the bottom of the document, so I always to make it that I can SEE the next point at the bottom of the screen so I’m always sort of typing towards it. (Scriv also has typewriter mode which is awesome for this, where the line you’re typing on is always centered!)

SPRINTS.

This goes both towards the “small manageable pieces” concept but also towards the “set a time of day to write” concept. But if you have any friends who also write and would want to write WITH YOU to stay accountable, it’s fun to text them and you can both start the clock and write without distraction and then compare at the end. (I’m gonna come back to this in a sec re: wordcount games.) But having someone to spend that time with you really helps.

There’s a Discord bot called Sprinto that you can use to have it in your chat but you can run it on your own too if you want to have a log. I use this a lot! I also sometimes have “sprint time” with my friend who ISNT writing, like she’ll do her dishes while I work on my fic. LOL. It’s just about having someone to be accountable with.

PRODUCTIVITY APPS.

Speaking of sprints, for me personally I try to be like DISTRACTION FREE while the clock is on, and on days where my attention span is particularly garbage I have some apps that lock me out of distracting websites/apps. On my phone I have Forest App, I THINK IT’S A DOLLAR? But very cool and cute. It plants a lil tree and if you leave the app the tree dies and you feel bad. So I’ll put that on when I’m writing so that I don’t pick up my phone and start fucking around.

I also use StayFocusd on my laptop for Chrome. This puts a daily timer on how much you allow yourself to use certain websites and then locks you out. I tend to write at the end of the day so I’ve usually used all my fuck around time by then.

WORDCOUNT GAMES.

Personally for me, I don’t like to agonize over my wordcounts because I worry I fall into “quantity over quality” mindset. I just have my lil challenge to write 100 words a day, but other than that I don’t worry about it. But if that’s motivating to you, you can make it a race or a challenge. Even doing sprints you can see if you can write more than your friend. I think Scriv lets you set a word goal for a session so you can watch the words count DOWN as you’re typing.

I just know for me I have to turn everything into a fucking game to make it interesting LOL so I would encourage creating wordcount games if that will work for you.

TIME OF DAY.

I tend to write at night because I have too much to do in the morning before work, but I like to write in the morning on weekends when I have the day off. Figure out which time of day works best for you!!!!!!!!

Writing in the morning can be awesome because your mind isn’t smushed down by the decisions fatigue of a whole day. Writing at night can be awesome because it’s dark and quiet and time to be cozy. Maybe you’re most alert after lunch, idk man! Figure that out and work with it.

ATMOSPHERE.

When I write at night I like to fucking, put the appropriate music on, turn all the lights off, get my purple fairy lights going, light incense, have a snack, etc. This is gonna be different for everyone. I also live alone so I have the luxury of controlling the environment the best I can. But create a space for yourself if you can, something that works for you. If you get distracted easily try noise cancelling headphones, if you get overstimulated by something try to remove yourself from it. Wear comfy clothes if you need to, etc. Make it easy on yourself so that you can show up and be present with your writing.

I also wanna mention if you can’t write with music on, try ambient sounds. I know there’s a bunch on YouTube and some other writing sites but you can like, listen to ambient café noise, or traffic, or the woods! It can be really immersive!!!!!!!!!

TRY DIFFERENT LOCATIONS.

It can be helpful to write in a different location, if you’re able to. (This is not easy if you’re writing on a desktop but!!! If you’re able to move around sometimes it helps.) If you’re stuck in one space try to change the lighting, or hang up a new picture, get a plant, whatever you wanna do to make your desk feel different.

I do most of my writing at my desk, but I also have my WRITING CHAIR that I sit in sometimes, and when I’m really stuck sometimes I write on the couch, or on my bed! This is the same as if you go write in public. When I used to work on ships I’d go out in port and write in the woods, or in libraries, or in cafes. Inside the ship I’d try writing in my room, in my office, in the crew bar.

I think people call this “change your environment writing” like I’ve seen articles about it and everything. But it’s the theory that being in a different space sort of unlocks different parts of your brain, stimulates you differently, etc.

OF COURSE, if you are too distracted where you NEED to be in the same old boring space, don’t do this!!!!!!!!!! But it’s worth a shot. This is my main trick when I’m STUCK on fics and it usually works. :D

and finally THINKING ABOUT WRITING IS WRITING.

I set aside an hour a day to write, and sometimes it's 53 minutes of zoning out to music and tinkering with the outline, and 7 minutes of writing LOL. It's not a failure or a waste of your time if you sit down to write and the process isn't JUST writing and isn't JUST words coming out of your head. I think there's a lot more to writing than the words coming out of your head. Spending time with the ideas internally and letting them grow is so important and like, I think if it makes you more in love with your story or more confident about the story you're trying to tell, the words will follow!!!!!! Make a playlist or a mood board or some shit, too. Invest in that time because it'll help you stay inspired. (At least, it does for me. :D ) I know there's a balance here on like, at some point you DO have to actually write the words, but I don't think it's bad to invest in your inspiration as part of the process.

Anyway I know this was a lot, but it was really tough for me to figure out what worked for me so I just wanted to share as much as I could think of at the moment. I’d rather overshare if it can help you!!!!!!!!!

As always, take or leave it as needed, modify it to your own needs, do your best!!!!!!!!!!!

Writing fanfic above all else is supposed to be FUN and if it takes you months to write 5k that is FINE. What’s the rush, what’s the race! Be patient with yourself and go at your own pace!

#adhd writing advice #writing advice

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tootyfruities · 2 years

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answering earlier than expected bc of a random burst of energy? couldn’t be me 🤭 nah but i actually feel kinda sad™️ rn and u make me feel better so here i am 🤞but OMGKEJFJWBFHE WHERE DO I EVEN BEGINNNNN

youcore fr bc you’re so smart and cool bae ugh your mind is everything OMGMGMGMM you got me wanting to jump through the screen to gently hold shin but also gently hold you bc KDNSJDDKDN the storyline fits so well and like,,,, suits him if that makes sense???? i’m absolutely HERE for this letter writing arc and im so fuckin excited you have no idea <3 <3 <3 (might inspire to make more playlists too, just for u <3) even despite all this, I can still feel his dorky and soft self and I JUST

there’s this cute comic from @/loweater of toshi using asl w bakugou and eri and if i can find it i’ll tag you :) OH and his dad being his therapist and all the other details about his family wE LOVE TO SEE IT 🗣🗣🗣 (this moreso relates back to the blog which we’re gonna get into- but i remember you writing abt his (3?)pet cats so just a little idea there for u :>)

last thing darling!! please please please don’t feel pressured to reopen that blog or talk to me constantly. getting a little more personal in 3, 2, 1~ for the longest time when u took your hiatus, i felt so bad and guilty bc I thought I was the reason and I took so much of your time and energy and I admit and apologize for being way more emotionally dependent than I should’ve been. things have changed now and im doing a lot better! i love and care for u vv much so pls don’t beat yourself up over it ok <3

wait no sorry THIS is the last thing I swear 😭 i was actually gonna msg u a couple days ago bc i actually had a dream abt the voicemail thing- long story short,,,,, i think i called shin back the next day, we said hello and i unexpectedly (to him anyway) asked him a question abt his new pet fish…??? OK before u think i’m crazy;;; i think it was smth that he had rambled abt in the voicemail and i was asking abt it just to talk and exist freely before getting into the Other Much Needed To Be Discussed Topics.

okay i went like way overboard im sorry 💀 ily forever my darling mwah <3

I NEVER GOT THE NOTIFICATION FOR THIS IM SO SAD :(

UHM 1) i hope you're ok w me answering this publicly w the more personal info shared, if not lemme know and i will, idk delete this post? that being said! between my own terrible unmotivation and personal issues, plus yes maybe a little bit with the emotional dependence, it just felt hard to keep up with the blog. but you were never, ever ever ever, a Big Bad in my life, never. overwhelming sometimes, yeah(BUT I LOVE YOU SO MUCH FOR IT YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW, OUR FLAWS MAKE OUR RELATIONSHIP STRONGER). but when i made the decision to close the blog it was not "riri makes things hard :(" it was, "things are hard and i gotta focus on myself :(". i appreciate and abs accept your apology though you are so cool and i am so so happy knowing that you're doing better <3

a bit of an extension on that;; i'm still deciding whether i wanna reopen the blog tbh. i've got a couple wips on there that i meant to finish but never did, plus small storylines i wanted to pursue thru shin's blogs that i can't exactly emulate thru I Am An Author Writing a Thing when it should be This Is A Guy Writing Stuff On His Tumblr Blog. plus publicly posting my writing is so rewarding to me :}

2) PLEASE DO JUMP THRU THE SCREEN and gently hold me n shin - woahoah we would both love that methinks. grrrr. i love you so much riri. no amount of poetic words can convey how much i love and adore you TRULY. you are a light in my life, i am happy and ready to have room in my life for you again :) <3

3) YOU DREAMED ABT IT AJFNNE. shin getting a fish... that would def clash with his, yes, 3 kitty cats. but also a calm pet that doesn't require love and affection? holy crap i shoulda considered it, that'd be way fitting for them,,, if not for the fact that fish are Slimy and shin likes Fluffy. in an alternate world where cats hadn't already stolen their heart, i can easily imagine shin getting into fish and maybe even lizards. he's got the range~

idk if i'm exactly gonna write what was said in the voicemail cos i wanted to leave that up to your interpretation, and tbh i'm GLAD for that cos your interpretation is great. muahaha

ilyilyily going to check out the mecore link now muah <3

#riri tag omg

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rommahh · 3 years

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Love On Tour…Actually

{Im sorry for how late this was. I went to the show Friday and honestly, it was the best day of my life. I had a little PCD which made me super unmotivated but I’m back. I love you all, R}

You woke up a little grumpy, you won’t lie. You didn’t like waking up alone especially on a show day. It made you uncomfortable to be left to your own devices without any structure or schedule. You understood that Harry was a busy man but it would’ve been nice to receive some text so you could plan your day accordingly.

Sitting on the couch in the lounge of your hotel room, you chowed down on leftover pasta while watching Netflix on your iPad. You had yet to receive a text from Harry even though you had texted him hours ago when you woke up. It was hard to tell if he was ignoring you out of anger or if he was simply just lost in track. Either way you felt dejected.

On the other hand, Harry hadn’t even noticed that he iced you. He was busy running around Nashville trying to get things ready for tonight’s show. He bought you a new dress and shoes, and got the ring fitted. It was hard to figure out your ring size but he end up measuring your finger when you were passed out asleep in bed last night. When you slept, you slept and he knew that would be the perfect time to measure your finger.

Harry was so busy that morning, that by the end of his errands he realized he didn’t even have time to go back to the hotel before rehearsals. He was sporting a small cough and his vocal chords felt overworked but that’s all apart of tour.

Pulling his phone out of his back pocket as he walked into the arena, he dialed your number quickly. He had people trying to talk to him but he paid them no mind.

“Oh? Would you look who’s here?” Harry’s head shot up to the sound of your voice. There you sat on his dressing room couch, arms crossed over one another as you glared at him. Your gaze burned through him and he could just tell he was in trouble.

“Hello lovie.” Harry rasped.

“Harry you sound like shit but here you are up and about running around. You should’ve slept in this morning.” Scolding as you stand up to walk in front of him. Harry could feel the anger radiate off of you but you hid it well. He melted into your hands that cupped his warm cheeks.

“I had a lot of errands to run and I didn’t want to wake you. Also it’s just a sore throat from singing and traveling- comes with being on tour.” He mumbles dropping his head into your neck. You caress the hairs on the back on his neck and massage the tense muscles.

“You’ve got to think about yourself more, Harry. You have a show to put on but you can’t put on your best show if you’re not at your best. I am not happy with you at all.” Even though your words were scolding him, you held him your arms in the most soothing way. That’s what Harry loved about you, you cared for him like no one else could (aside from his mom). You could tell him off with your harshest words but he’d always feel your love from miles away.

“You’re right love, sorry for not keeping in touch today.” You hum in acknowledgement. You both pulled away from each other when his driver walked in with Harry’s abundance of bags. “Thank you, sir.”

“What all did you buy?” You ask walking towards the bags. Harry’s arm shot out in front of you making you stop. You looked up at him in shock. “Fine be secretive.”

You huffed before making your way back to the couch. Harry rolled his eyes at you, making way to his shopping bags. Plucking the bag from Nordstrom he plopped it down on the table in front of you.

“I just didn’t want you snooping at some other stuff. I bought you this, for tonight.” He sat down beside you, thighs touching leaving no room between you two.

“Im not trying to be mean. Just a little peeved that you left this morning without telling me. You also have a cold and I wanna take care of you since you won’t do it.” A hand rubs his forehead luring his eyes shut.

“Sorry baby, I thank you for caring so much.” He whispers sleepily.

“Im always gonna care for my bubs.” Kissing him on the lips, your turn your attention to the bag. The small grey bag had light tissue paper covering the product within the bag. The tissue falls to the floor as you dig into the bag. A silky champagne dress, folded neatly to decrease wrinkles, sits in the bag. The dress was soft and you knew it was loose enough to give you the room to dance. Soft snores escaped the boy beside you- the exhaustion evident on his face.

You pull the dress out of the bag and walk over to where his outfit of the night hung. The dress was hung beside his to be steamed for later. Turning around, you smile at the sight of your curled up boyfriend. Your heart hurt knowing that in a few minutes he would have to go rehearse.

Harry sleepily went through rehearsals sitting in a chair the whole time. He knew his stage cues and performance, he only had one more thing to rehearse but it required for you to not be in the room. He gave one look to Jeff to signal him to get you out. Jeff made up some excuse saying that he needed help with some social media post for the show.

Before the show, there was a catered dinner from some local restaurant. Harry ate a light meal of fresh vegetables and a sweet iced tea which has grown on him having lived in the states for some years. You ate grilled chicken and fries enjoying the free food. The two of you ate alone in his dressing room- wanting a moment of piece before the crazy.

“How are you feeling?” You ask Harry. He shrugs, he was more nervous than anything but you wouldn’t understand why if he had told that to you. He felt floaty. Tonight would be a game changer, a step in a whole new direction. This is something he’s wanted to do for years now but it’s finally happening, and he’s scared.

"Im ok, a little tired but what else is new. I can't wait to sleep all night and cuddle with you." He grabs your hand from across the table. you squeeze it, frowning at his revelation.

"I don't like that you're so tired." You worry, his hand squeezes yours in reassurance.

“Im ok, it’s all apart if the job.” He looks down to your bare ring finger, thumb brushing over the empty spot. Your nails were done in your favorite way, some funky pattern you found from Pinterest all painted on short coffin nails.

“I love you Harry and I’m so proud of you. I know that these years put us both in a bad place mentally but I’m happy of where we are now.” Harry could almost tear up to your words. They settled into his mind, resonating. He was making the perfect decision and you solidified that ideal.

2014

Harry didn’t know how they did it. A show every night, a new state everyday, a new country every few months- he was burnt out. He was tired of shared tour buses and the lack of autonomy. Last nights LA show was amazing, the crowd was amazing, the energy was amazing- so why did he feel so horrid?

He walked around in The Grove, security guards walking in front and behind him. He wanted a peaceful day alone but here they were. Fans watched suspiciously trying to decipher if it was Harry or not. His hat and sunglasses were obviously not the disguise he thought they would be.

As the whispers got louder, his heart started to flurry more. Panic seeped into his veins as he looked for an escape. Bolting in the Barnes and Nobles- security guards close behind- Harry asked for the employees to close shop just for a moment. Harry only needed a moment to get a car near by to escape to. Feeling overwhelmed, Harry hid.

In between the historical fiction and romance aisle is where he sat. Head between his knees, trying to catch his breathe.

“Are you ok?” A voice asked from above him. His head whipped up in shock. Standing there was you, three books clutched between your arms. Adjusting your dress you dropped down to the floor in front of him.

“I-im fine, tired but fine.” He replied. He looked different than he did the night before, you thought. Last night, he was energetic and full of life and now, now you saw a boy whose exhaustion overpowered him.

“You here for any books?” You were just trying to change the subject, something you did with yourself when you had panic attacks.

“Oh no, I don’t-“ he stuttered shaking his head. You smiled at him before pulling a book from your stack. The fault In Our Stars, your new favorite.

“I love this book, one of my favorites. Heard a movie is coming out too so that’s fun.” You joke. Harry’s relaxed slightly, you nestled closer to him. Opening the book, you began reading, your gentle voice calming Harry.

At the start of chapter four, an interruption pulled you both away. Harry’s security guard told Harry that a car was waiting and the perimeter of the store was clear. Harry nodded telling the guard to give him five more minutes.

“I guess this is it.” You mumble closing your book. Harry nods but makes no move to leave. Something clicks in him as he looks at your face again.

“You were at the concert last night, meet and greet?” He muses.

“Yeah, One Direction is my favorite band. My friend bought our vip tickets for my birthday. Best night ever.” You say quietly, scared that he might think that you’re some obsessed fan.

“Oh, well I’m glad you enjoyed the show….so why didn’t you freak out today or- or expose where I was?”

“You’re a human being, just like me. You get nervous, frustrated, and sad just like me. You get panic attacks just like. Who am I to treat you differently?” Your words did so much for Harry. “Now don’t get me wrong, you’re my favorite in the band, but I don’t idolize you nor do I wish to be in your position cause I know it must be hard.”

“It is. Hard, I mean, really really hard. I love my job but I’m tired.” The silence you two shared burned a connection between you two. “This may be weird but could I have your number? I like talking to you and I wanna hear more of this book.”

Placing your hand made bookmark in the book, you closed in and gently placed it on Harry’s lap. “Have it. I have one at home and if you still want to talk about it- I’ll give you my number.”

Harry stills as the book sits in his lap. “I want to talk to you about the book.”

After exchanging numbers, Harry was urged by you to go. Walking side by side to the door, you were separated by his security.

“Harry, don’t let this keep hurting you. Find the joy and grasp on to it.”

You turned out to be his joy. Calls every night after shows and different books being read together, you both gravitated towards each other. Everyday was a new day to grow closer together. He invited you to more concerts, paying for every ticket because he just needed to be with you.

The show was going beautifully. Harry looked amazing in stage in all white and most fans were captivated by your outfit too. It worried you to see Harry so exhausted on stage but you knew he would stick it through like he always does. Proud was an understatement in your eyes. Harry made you more than proud.

You stood in the back of the watermelon pit at the end of the aisle where his stage stopped a few feet away. Jeff stood beside you like he normally did but he was acting suspicious. You two never stood on the side of Harry’s exit but this is where Jeff said you’d get the best view tonight.

Harry sang his final ‘we’ll be alright’ before doing his stage stroll and bows, but instead of finishing in the middle of the stage- he went down stage to the place he normally exits to at the end of the night. You watched in confusion, along with the crowd, as he walked down the steps to you. The crowd erupted in screams as the lights focused on where you were standing.

“What are you doing?” You asked with large eyes of shock. You felt your heart stop in your chest. The crowd getting louder by the moment. Harry walked closer to you, one hand digging into his pocket while his eyes focused on your face. You couldn’t place what was happening but you’re eyes welled with even more tears nonetheless. Jeff was to the side with a huge smile and his phone out to capture the moment.

“Y/N, my love, my light, the best thing that has happened to me,” he didn’t have his mic on so the crowd couldn’t hear him but you could hear him perfectly. As if you two were the only ones in the large arena, you could only see Harry. “From the moment I met you in the bookstore, I knew you were meant to be in my life. Somehow you took me from my darkest place and guided me to my lightest.

I know our lives have been hard but we’ve always found a way to be alright. I want that for the rest of my life. I want you to be by my side for the rest of my life, so will you please, my love, marry me?”

You gave him no time to answer as you yanked him up by his arm. You wept as you exclaimed loud yeses, yeses that could be heard by a few fans who screamed in excitement igniting the rest of the crowd to scream. Harry picked you up in his arms, throwing one arm out to wave at the crowd before bounding backstage.

“Oh my god Harry!” You exclaimed as he set you down. He only had a few minutes to talk so you kept it quick. You pulled his face down to your kissing his lips. This kiss pulled you both deeper into each other.

He pulled away making you whine. “I gotta go back but I promise you’ll get it all tonight. I can’t believe you said yes. I love you so much.”

Harry’s energy multiplied by 100 going back on stage. He even went as far as to explain what watermelon sugar was about. Remembering when the song was made, it made your legs clench together- a pulse overwhelming your lower regions.

Looking down at your hand, you could feel yourself tear up again at the ring he bought you. It fit perfectly in your hand, you remember him measuring your hand that night even though he thought you were asleep. The thought of your future made your heart swell. A future with new music, a wedding, a nice house, and babies made your heart swell. This was something you couldn’t wait for.

Harry found his joy in you but he never knew about the joy he was to your dark life.

#harry styles love on tour #harry styles x y/n #harry styles smut #harry styles imagine #harry styles fic #harry styles one shot #harry x reader #harry styles x reader #harry styles love on tour nashville

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intomymindspace · 4 years

Text

Video Games ✰ Tendou Satori

Video Games covered by The Young Professionals

tendou satori x gn reader

Through the Summer and the Fall // Haikyuu!! Songfic Series

a/n: hi everyone, I'm sorry for a posting a week late! I’ve been really unmotivated as of late for personal stuff but also because I'm lowkey still a little bummed that my Bokuto fic (definitely totally am not plugging it rn - totally do not click the link, ahaha 🥺) didn’t do as well as I hoped it would. But no matter! Here is the Tendou insert, as promised! It’s not the best, and I definitely have a bit of writers block and am behind schedule. I wish I could write his character and for him better considering how much I love him. Next will up be flattykawa 😌 and I will be posting it hopefully soon to help make up for last week’s missed post. I've also changed up this blog and have given it hopefully a better look - there is a new theme on desktop!

Warnings: part 3 spoilers for jojo’s bizarre adventure that include character death, my bb tori being insecure about him and his body but I love him and his flat a$$ so much, and as always, we clown on flattykawa in this household but all in good favor

It was a rainy day, and Tendou was quiet and content as he sat on your bed, reading the new Weekly Shonen Jump magazine that he had just been mailed. He had let Ushijima read it earlier - but as always, he only read the advertisements. You sat beside him on the floor, his long legs dangled off the edge of your bed, his foot brushing your arm every now and then. You were playing the new otome game you had bought a week ago on your console. On days like this, the two of you often fell into comfortable silences when hanging out with each other - and today was no different. There was nothing to do other than school work and go to practice - but even then, it wasn’t necessary for the third years to attend anymore. Not since they lost in the finals against Karasuno.

He was pulled away from the panel he was reading when he heard you gasp - his crimson eyes flitting to your monitor to see what had happened.

“What happened?” You turned around to look up at him, an excited look on your face.

“Murasame Jinnosuke confessed his love for me! I didn’t expect it to happen so fast into the game.” He looked back at the screen to see a handsome samurai on your screen. Snickering, Tendou ruffled your hair.

“Good job, now just see if you can get a real guy to confess his undying love for you.” Squinting at him, you slapped his leg playfully.

“You’re supposed to be nice to me, Tori-kun.”

“When am I not?”

Ever since you had taken the place of Shiratorizawa’s volleyball club manager two years ago as a first year, you quickly bonded with the strange amalgamation of players. It had been a running gag between the third year players to find out what type of guys you liked. You could always be found on your phone during breaks playing otome games - and that was the beginning of the years of playful torment from your fellow classmates.

It wasn’t that you weren’t attractive or that you didn’t gain attention - every Valentines Day you always received several confessions and chocolates, but you always rejected them as kindly as possible. For someone who played as many otome games as you did, they were surprised to say the least when you had always declined the advances of many classmates, saying that they just weren’t your type with a kind smile on your face.

It was Tendou’s turn to squint as he turned his attention back to your screen as you continued to play through the game. He scoffed at some of the things the fictional samurai said to you - what was so special about him anyways?

This is my idea of fun

Playing video games

Tendou shut his manga volume, and he noticed your curious eyes looking at the cover. Smirking playfully at you, he poked your forehead.

“Suddenly interested in pirates?” You sat back, rolling your eyes.

“Maybe. Who’s the character on the front?” He stared down at the covered, humming.

“Shanks. Say, I never thought you were one to go for a tough-looking guy.” He held a mischievous grin on his lips.

“Ha! Sure. Keep thinking that, Tendou.” He feigned a gasp.

“You used my last name too? With no honorific? No nickname? The rudeness! I’m so hurt!” You couldn’t help but egg your friend along.

“Hmm, maybe I should start watching One Piece if he’s in it…” But before Tendou could clap back, Yamagata slid into the seat next to you, a teasing smile on his lips.

“Ah, so that’s your type, huh? Tough-looking guys with scars?” You rolled your eyes at the libero. “I’m pretty tough too, aren’t I?”

“As if.” But it didn’t stop them from the teasing.

So what if you maybe did prefer more muscular guys? Tendou didn’t understand why the thought hurt his feelings so much. He may not have the bulging muscles, but he was just as strong. He sighed to himself, watching you from across the table as you shoved Yamagata playfully. Why would you want to like someone like himself anyways?

It's you, it's you, it's all for you

Everything I do

Tendou entered your dorm room unannounced as he always did - but this time he was surprised to see you in tears as you huddled in your blanket, staring at the tv. The first thing you usually did was banter with him about his bad habit of not knocking, but all he could do is stand shocked in your doorway.

Instantly, his gleeful eyes turned blood red. Shutting your door behind him, he quickly made his way over to you, his eyebrows furrowed, a scowl on his lips.

“Who do I have to beat up?” A million thoughts were running through his head - were you made fun of? Did someone reject you? Did you receive a bad score on an exam? He wrapped his arms around you the second your tear-filled eyes looked up at him.

“Who did it? Who hurt your feelings?” His genuine care and questions only made you cry harder into his chest.

“Dio.” You said, but it was too muffled for him to hear. Pulling back, he gave you a quizzical look. You pointed at the scene that was unfolding on your tv.

“Dio killed Kakyoin.” Tendou immediately smacked a hand to his face. His eyes flickered to the screen to see a tall, muscular character slumped against a water tower, a hole in his torso with text on the screen saying “Kakyoin Noriaki has died.” He couldn't help but laugh.

“You want me to beat up the mighty and powerful vampire lord and stand user, Dio Brando? For killing the guy who licks cherries weird?”

Slapping his arm, you pouted at him through your ugly tears. “Don’t make fun of me! I really liked him.” Tendou kept on snickering as he rubbed your back.

“I know, I’m sorry. But it’s just too funny to just not tease you.”

As ridiculous as it sounded, Tendou wondered if you would ever cry for him the way you cried for Kakyoin. He smiled to himself as he stared down at your face that was still buried in his chest - he hoped you wouldn’t notice how fast his heart was beating at the notion of you coming to him for comfort.

Maybe your type was animated men.

I tell you all the time

Heaven is a place on earth with you

Tendou put his jump comic down and just watched your gameplay - he was too distracted by his thoughts of you to focus on the new chapter of My Hero Academia.

He couldn’t help but pine over you. You had been so open and kind to him from the first time you met him - he remembered that day with ease. You had looked so confident walking into the volleyball gym, introducing yourself to the players as their new manager.

He was genuinely surprised that you weren’t turned away by his quirks - and he was thankful that above all, you treated him just like you treated everyone else.

It seemed so easy for you to become friends with the other first years at the time. You found commonalities with each of them, and you even managed to break Ushijima out of his shell by the time you all first went to nationals. Tendou remembered the hours upon hours that the two of you spent together - whether it was hanging out in the dorm watching animes, giving him tips and encouragement on the court during timeouts, or quality conversations on long bus rides to and from games. If you had never joined as manager, Tendou would’ve never guessed that the two of you would become as close friends as you were now. And he had always been a good guesser.

As he stared at you, controller in your hand, he remembered why he realized he liked you so much - it wasn’t because you shared a strong love for manga and anime. Okay, well, maybe it was, but it wasn’t the commonality. It was because you understood and even empathized with escaping through these fictional stories.

He knew what it was like to want to escape - to want to find paradise away from everyday life. On the court, Tendou could sneak into the small slice of heaven that he visited when he played volleyball. Off the court, he wanted nothing more than to have you safe in his arms as the two of you escaped into the world of whatever show you had chosen to binge that day.

To him, you were just as heavenly as the defeated looks on his opponents’ faces that he craved to see - maybe even more.

Tell me all the things you want to do

I heard that you like the bad girls, honey, is that true?

You squealed excitedly as you waved the game in front of Semi’s face after practice had ended.

“Semi-semi! Look what just came in the mail!” He pushed your hand out of his face, scoffing.

“I can’t see it if you’re rubbing in my face like that, idiot.” The setter had a smile on his face nonetheless, making you laugh as he took a look at the game. His eyes widened.

“No way, Castlevania Judgement?!?!” You nodded proudly, smiling at Tendou and Ushijima as they walked over to see what the commotion was about. The middle blocker gawked at the game you held in your hands - the third years had been talking about the release of it for at least a few months now.

“You jealous? If you want, we can play after dinner.” Semi quickly nodded, and you looked at Tendou and Ushijima for their answers.

“What, when have I ever said no to wanting to play video games with you?” To his reply, the captain simply nodded.

“Thank you for your invite. I am happy to attend as well.”

Tendou and Ushijima sat on the edge of your bed as you and Semi sat in front of your tv, switching the controller after every chapter of the game. Ushijima had no interest in actually playing the game - and Tendou knew he would get a chance to play with you later. Semi was more excited for the game than he was anyways.

You couldn’t contain your excitement as you gushed over one of the main characters, Simon Belmont. From the looks of it, he was a powerful fighter - and Tendou sighed once again - he was super muscular and tough-looking too. You were too invested in the gameplay with Semi, that you weren’t paying attention to the conversation Tendou sparked with Ushijima.

“I don’t get what’s so special about him anyways.” The redhead had a pout on his face, his arms crossed. Ushijima was very aware of the middle blocker’s crush on you - his friend often coming to the captain for his advice. While Ushijima had almost no experience and knowledge at all in terms of dating, he was always observant of the people around him, and was very blunt.

“Tendou-kun, if you like them so much, it would just be better to ask. It is pointless to be jealous over every fictional character they like.” He couldn’t help but gawk at the monotonous tone and the serious look on his captain’s face.

“I’ll raise you a better one. It’s pointless to ask because their standards seem to be so high anyways.” Ushijima couldn’t help but stare at his friend.

“And why should that stop you? They’re not real.” Tendou sighed, exacerbated.

“I get it, I get it! I know they’re not just going to pop out from the screen or anything.”

“But?”

“But that doesn’t mean those aren’t their same standards to people they prefer in real life,” Tendou admitted, and Ushijima knew he hit the reason why. Tendou may be tall, but he was lean and lanky. The muscle he had was nowhere near that of any of the fictional guys you crushed on. What could you possibly want from someone way weaker - someone like him?

“They are not the type of person to go completely for the way someone’s body appears. If that were the case, they should’ve confessed their attraction to either myself or Yamagata by now, based on your logic. Besides, they told me they liked you.” Tendou couldn't help but roll his eyes, placing a hand over his heart.

“Wakatoshi-kun, you wound me. Of course they like me - they wouldn’t be my friend if they didn’t. Couldn't you at least sugar coat your advice sometimes?”

It's better than I ever even knew

They say that the world was built for two

Before the prefectural qualifiers in the fall, Shiratorizawa managed to snag a practice match with none other than Aoba Johsai. While there was clear tension throughout the entire time, the teams kept interactions outside the court lines as light-hearted as possible. Seijoh managed to snag victory during the first match, but Shiratorizawa hit back just as hard, winning the second match.

The boys were currently loading their bags into the bus as you supervised them, reminding them to triple check that they had everything. You were almost caught by surprise when a volleyball rolled towards you, hitting the back of your foot gently.

“Sumimasen.” You heard from several meters behind you, making you turn around. It was the Great King himself, Oikawa Tooru, that was slowly jogging towards you - it almost seemed like he was doing it in slow motion. Your fellow teammates heard the setter, their eyes sneakily following him as he got closer to you. They couldn't help but snicker at their so-called sworn enemy - it was obvious by the way that his aura sparkled around him and the smoulder on his face that he had rolled the ball your way to get your attention.

“I’m so sorry, could you get that for me?” You nodded, a polite smile on your face. The great Oikawa was definitely handsome, to say the least - and Tendou couldn't help the childish frown that filled his features. As you picked up the ball and handed it back to the setter, he flashed you a heart-stopping, pearly white smile.

“Thank you,” he said, taking the ball from you, brushing your fingers in the process. “You are the manager for Shiratorizawa, right? I didn’t catch your name earlier.” Oikawa ran a hand through his silky hair as you gave him your name.

“Wow,” he flashed you another smile, “such a beautiful name for someone just as gorgeous.” Semi couldn’t help but let a snort out at Oikawa’s compliment.

“Thank you.” You took the complement in stride, deciding it would be nice to say something back. “You played great today, Oikawa-san.” He laughed jovially.

“Thank you, you’re very kind. And cute. Would you be interested in catching boba with me sometime? I know a cute place that has good milk tea and milk bread.” Tendou rolled his eyes at Oikawa’s words. It probably was his plan all along - to try to bewitch the manager of Shiratorizawa. When Tendou saw a smile grow on your face, he couldn’t help but feel defeated. Were you actually going to say yes to him?

“I’m very flattered Oikawa-san. But I’m sorry, I must decline your offer.” Oikawa’s eyes widened in surprise. The Great King? Being rejected? “You’re not really my type.” You turned around, making your way onto the bus, leaving Oikawa with his jaw on the ground, the ace on Seijoh’s team as well as your teammates laughing their asses off at the scene that had just unfolded in front of their very eyes.

“That’s what you get, Crappykawa! You should’ve gone to Shiratorizawa!”

“Iwa-chan, that's not funny! I feel like my heart has been broken into thousands of pieces!”

“Well, if they’re gonna hit it, they better hit it til it breaks!”

“Pfft, I’m actually not surprised they didn’t say yes to him.” Semi commented, placing his duffle bag into the storage compartment. Tendou’s head quirked at the statement.

“Why’s that?” Reon asked, storing his things as well, making Semi and Yamagata snicker.

“Did you see how flat his ass was? I’m 100% sure their type is thicker guys. Like their ace, or something.” The three of them burst into laughter, Tendou only slightly laughing along as well. Ushijima only grunted in disagreement as he shut the compartment’s door.

“I believe their type is actually redheads.” All of the third years looked at their captain with wide eyes and dead silence - before laughing even harder. Semi slapped Ushijima’s bicep lightly, bending over. Tendou’s eyes widened - Ushijima was not the type to joke around, right?

“I didn’t think you actually knew how to crack jokes, Ushijima-kun!” The olive-haired man only looked down at his fellow third years in confusion.

“I am not joking. I simply just decided to ask them earlier, and I am only relaying the answer they gave me.” They couldn’t help but bend over, Yamagata even wiping tears from all the laughing.

“Stop! Your bluntness is only making it worse!” By the way the rest of his teammates reacted, Tendou believed Ushijima really must have been joking - in his own way. He had just picked a hair color different from Oikawa’s, right?

“Good one, Wakatoshi-kun.” Tendou let out a chuckle, giving his friend a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes.

Only worth living if somebody is loving you

And baby, now you do

Tendou’s eyes widened as he relieved all the memories. Was Ushijima actually serious? He had never asked his friend about it - but perhaps it was because he was too scared to actually know the truth. Quickly, Tendou pulled out his phone and googled each of the characters - Shanks, Kakyoin, and Simon. The samurai was still on your screen, and he flipped through the tabs on his internet browser, trying to find the similarities.

Obviously, they were all built rather strong - but Tendou couldn’t get what Ushijima said out of his head. They were all redheads, after all. Why hadn’t he noticed this before? He looked back at you, your attention still on the otome game. Should he ask you? Would it be weird? Tendou thought about texting Ushijima, but he quickly decided not to. He already knew what his friend would say. Right after he called your name gently, you set down the controller and turned to look up at him.

“What’s up, Tori-kun?” He had never felt this nervous before - it wasn’t even like he was going to confess to you or anything either.

“Uh - what’s your type? Like, in guys? I promise I won’t tease you this time, I just want to know.” Surprisingly, you smirked at him. What were you thinking?

“You gonna brag to Eita and Yato that you finally found out after all these years?” The apparent blush on Tendou’s cheeks only spread further.

“What? No, I wouldn’t do that… Unless I had to,” he said, trying his best to come off as his usual teasing self. This only made you snicker at him.

“I’m surprised you guys haven’t beat it out of Toshi-kun yet. I already told him a few months ago.” Tendou’s eyes widened at what you said.

“Huh?” You rolled your eyes at him.

“Yeah.” He couldn’t believe how casual you were about it. You were always so hellbent on keeping it from them - but perhaps it was because they made such a big deal out of it in the first place. Tendou didn’t exactly know how to respond to you - he was still trying to process the realization. So he had guessed wrong this whole time?

After sitting in silence for a couple of seconds, you gave him a playful smile. “Redheads,” you said, turning around and picking up your controller. Ushijima’s words echoed with yours in his brain.

Besides, they told me they liked you. Tendou let out a choked noise.

“I’ve made a mistake!”

You burst out laughing at Tendou’s exclamation. Setting your controller down once more, you stood up and turned, leaning your elbows against your bed. “You guys really are that oblivious, huh? Even Toshi-kun saw that I liked you. He went so far as to ask me about it too.” You propped up your head with your hand, staring at him. Getting past his initial shock, Tendou settled back down.

“How shallow of you,” he teased, leaning his head closer to yours. “I can’t believe the only reason why you like me is because my hair is red, yanno?” In return, you inched your face up closer to his as if you were challenging him.

“I know,” you said smugly, your eyes flickering down to his lips, “I’m such an awful friend. I’ll only break your heart once I replace you with another redhead.” He smirked as he noticed where your eyes had glanced. Tendou may have been oblivious, but he wasn’t called the Guess Monster for nothing.

“I’m guessing that you want to kiss me right now, hmm?” He asked quietly, dangerously moving closer to you - your faces now only mere inches apart. A blush crept onto both of your cheeks. You answered back, your voice nearly a whisper.

“Why don’t you find out for yourself, Guess Monster?”

Immediately, Tendou closed the distance between the two of you. Your lips were warm and soft, making him wish he had at least put on chapstick earlier. His heart was beating so hard inside of his chest that he was afraid you’d hear it, but you said nothing as the two of you pulled away. Saying nothing, he only smiled as he traced his fingers up your neck, cupping your jaw. Pulling you into a deeper kiss, he sighed contentedly as he felt your hands trail up his torso.

Kissing you felt like paradise.

As always, thank you so much for reading!! please like, reblog, and follow 🥺

~ Crystal

through the summer and the fall masterlist

blog masterlist

buy me a ko-fi! (but only if you want to and can)

BONUS

The following day, Tendou met you at your door to walk with you to lunch. With your hand in his, the two of you took your sweet time making your way to the cafeteria to meet up with the other third years. Today, Coach Washijo had asked for them to play a practice match against the Miyagi first years he was holding a training camp for. You decided to tag along since you had nothing planned to do for the weekend.

As you talked about a weird dream you had, Tendou couldn’t help but gaze adoringly at you - he couldn’t believe that you liked him, or that you were actually dating him now even if it had only been about twelve hours. The two of you waited in the lunch line, his chin resting on top of your head as he held both of your hands from behind you - it felt so natural to touch you. He could tell that people were staring - but none of it mattered when all he needed was the sound of your excited voice and the blatant look of love in your eyes.

Stepping away from your back slightly, he moved forward to gently place a kiss on your cheek - and that's when he heard the yells. The both of you turned to find your fellow third and second years staring at the two of you with wide eyes and mouths catching flies. Goshiki accompanied the team as well, his face beat red. Ushijima was behind the flustered first year, a rare half-smile on his face.

“Afternoon guys!” You had said it so casually as you leaned back into Tendou’s arms, allowing him to place a cheeky kiss on your temple - making Semi gag and Yamagata nearly tear up.

“I did tell you all that they preferred redheads.”

#tendou x reader #Tendou Satori x reader #tendou imagine #Tendou Satori imagine #tendou reader insert #Tendou Satori reader insert #haikyuu imagines #haikyuu reader insert #through the summer and the fall #intomymindspace #tendo x reader #tendo satori x reader

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fredweesleyismyslut · 4 years

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Mon Lapin - Jungkook x reader

A/N: Okay, this kind of sucks because half way through I got unmotivated and stopped writing, not because I didn’t like it but because my speech class was giving me so much anxiety and now and I’m just like as long as I don’t fail we’re good. Anyways, this is based on a dream I had about a year ago where I was older than Jungkook in my dream and I went with them to film Bon Voyage(season 3 right?) and then there was some very explicit stuff happening in the car that I decided not to write too much into. Also, in this fic the reader isn’t older than him because I forgot but i would love to write another one where the reader is older because I’m younger than him but for some reason it was the cutest thing hearing him say “Noona” in my dream but in real life that shit would be real weird because I’m at least a good 4 years younger than him. Enjoy!!

You looked over to your side, as your boyfriend, Jeon Jungkook, was filming a Vlive. Sitting on the hotel bed in the corner you sat silently scrolling through your phone, giggling at your boyfriend’s actions, as he answered fan questions. You weren’t hiding because the fans didn’t know about you, you two had publicly announced your relationship a year ago, and the fans responded surprisingly well. The fans who hadn’t responded well basically had witch hunts on their heads as the other ARMYs went after them saying that Jungkook was allowed to date as well, especially since he truly loved you. He had shared your love story as the relationship announcement, you two had met about three years ago when he was taking pictures on a trip with the boys as part of their tour until you accidentally appeared in his camera frame. He noticed you and as he puts it, “immediately heard bells ringing”, so he went over but in his nervous state had tripped and instead pushed you along with him, spraining your ankle in the process. Now you like to hold it over his head, as a joke of course, when he starts to act like a brat saying, “Remember that time you made me sprain my ankle…”, but you also liked to tell people that he literally made you fall for him. Now, as he answered a question your ears perked at the sound of your name, “Is y/n coming with us to our next Bon Voyage?”, he glanced in your direction, “Why don’t you guys ask her she’s already in the room...babe?” He walked towards your phone in hand, “Are you coming with us to the trip?” “I don’t know...I would love to, I love hanging out with you and the boys...but it’s BIgHit’s decision at the end of the day.” you responded, as he pecked your cheek, lips spreading across his cheeks and his chest swelling in pride as he responded, “Ahhhhh….see Bang PD you heard her and the fans right? Please let her come with ussss!” The chat flooded as fans started demanding for you to be allowed to come since you two never really got to go on many trips together as a couple due to the boys being busy, and others flooded with statements saying how cute you two were. “Guys guys I know my jagi is cute but you can’t have her...I’m taking her out of the frame now only I can see her like this.” Chuckling you punched his shoulder as he went back to the desk area of the room.

Later that week, after the Vlive you got a phone call from one of the BigHit staff members asking if you could come in. “Ummm..yes I could totally come in. I can come in during my lunch break is that fine?” The lady on the phone answered yes as she wished you a good day until then. During your lunch break you told your friend, Eunji, where you were going, “Ohhhhh...so you’re gonna go meet the boys over having lunch with me? You traitorrrr I never took you to be that girl.” she said dramatically throwing her hands across her head. Laughing you slapped her hand, “Stop that! You know it’s not like that...we can get coffee later? You had something you wanted to tell me right?” she nodded as she gave you a side hug before leaving to go get her lunch. Arriving at the building you signed in, most of the staff members knew you by face already so it wasn’t necessary, however, there were some new staff who didn’t know you by face. “Ms. y/l/n?” A lady questioned as she came up, dressed business, she was so pretty she looked like the type of teacher every student would’ve had a crush on in high school. She took you to the meeting room where the boys were already sat, “Hey y/n!” came a chorus of shouts as you entered, the boys waving wildly at you, you waved back softly as you took the empty chair between Jungkook and Yoongi. “Hey, jagi. It’s been a while since you came here.” Jungkook mentioned as his hand slid to yours under the table, giving a soft squeeze. Squeezing his hand back you smiled, “Are we in trouble or something?” you asked under your breath, as you looked around, suddenly Yoongi leaned over, “You guys aren’t in trouble...you will be if he keeps squeezing your thigh like that though.” You stiffened at the feeling of Jungkook squeezing your thigh his hand creeping upwards, swatting his hand softly you replied, “If I get in trouble because of you I’m gonna lock myself up at Eunji’s house.” Jungkook made a soft whining sound as his hand left your thigh, passing a grin with Yoongi, you laughed at Hoseok’s joke that you heard across the room. As the room quieted down the staff members looked over at you, their gaze seemingly burning holes through your chest, “Maybe you are in trouble…” Yoongi muttered, chuckling sightly, punching his arm silently you gazed back, throat feeling as dry as the Sahara desert. “Y/n you know how we’re starting filming for Bon Voyage in two weeks?” you nodded, throat too dry to reply, “Well, after your Vlive with Jungkook we put into consideration that maybe you could come along...if you want to of course?” Your heart seemed to propel in your chest, “I’d love to...when are we starting the filming exactly so I can put in my notice?” “We’ll be starting at the end of the month...and of course we also invited the other member’s girlfriends as well if they want to come so that you wouldn’t be alone.” You nodded, the other members who had girlfriends were, Taehyung, Jimin, and Jin so far. You loved their girlfriends though, Eunji, Minji, and Piper who was from the US and spoke English with you a lot, they were the girlfriends of the members in that order. After the week ended you and the girls went straight to the arranged place while the boys had to find the place they were staying in Malta. Later that night, the staff had arranged for you and Jungkook to go out on a date. First, it was dinner then a walk around the place as you held hands. It was quite awkward, the feeling of the cameras following you everywhere, during your private moment. You were used to people taking pictures but being on camera for more than thirty minutes was starting to cause anxiety to bubble in your stomach. Jungkook seemed to notice your shoulders tensing as he mused, out loud, “Ahhhh maybe we should go for a romantic drive…” Nodding, he took your hand and pulled you to the car, the staff had already set a camera in the car but with people not being behind them, it was less nerve-wracking. “You’re doing great y/n. I know it’s pretty scary being on camera for so long and trying to act natural as if they’re not there, especially since you’re not used to it.” “Thanks...I’m sorry I know this is supposed to be for your show and I really don’t want to ruin it or seem ungrateful but…” Jungkook leaned over and cut off your rambling, “I’ve been wanting to spend alone time with you all night anyways…” he said, giving you a look that basically said don’t worry or I’ll smack you to death with kisses. He looked over, “You should get some sleep while you can.” his voice emphasizing on the “while you can” part. Giggling softly you leaned away and closed your eyes. “Hey, jagi. Babe.” you heard a voice say, shaking you softly. Groaning you opened your eyes, “Mmmmm what?” “We’re back…” you heard him shuffling around and reaching over you and heard a clicking noise, opening your eyes you realized he was unclicking your seat belt. “I really want to spend time with you.” he whined slightly, but still holding back as to how you were still groggy from sleep. His hands were sitting on your waist, clearly showing that if you really wanted to go to sleep he’d let you and not push you into anything since you had been working your ass off at work. Smirking you replied coquettishly, “I don’t know I was really looking forward to that cake Eunji bought.” His eyes creased slightly as he smiled, “Baby it’s been so long since I’ve seen you.” His hand sneaked lower, before stopping as he noticed you tense up looking at the camera, “It’s off. I turned it off once you went to sleep.” he replied, the other hand lifting your chin to look at him. His lips clamped over yours as his hands traced just below your breasts, heart fluttering as his fingers brushed your waist. His tongue slowly crept to your lips, deepening the kiss. Suddenly a knocked sounded above your head from the window as Jungkook lowered it, “Hey if you’re done making out lovebirds, we were waiting for you two to get back to start our party.” Jungkook’s cheeks flushed as he looked up at Namjoon, tips of his ears pinkening. “Okay, hyung, we’ll be there in a second.” Cheeks flushed from the kissing and the embarrassment of being caught you both quickly checked yourselves in the mirror before getting out to follow Namjoon. The others were still up, talking amicably as music flowed quietly in the background. Eunji noticed the two of you and winked at the slightly disheveled look you both still clearly sported even after trying to look less messy. She walked up, “Can I borrow y/n for a second?” Jungkook nodded, kissing your forehead before walking over to talk to Jimin and Taehyung. “Remember how I said I wanted to tell you something?” she asked, voice lowering to the point you could barely hear her. Nodding you looked her over, “Everything okay?” She nodded, “I think so…? Well, I’m going to get straight to the point...I’m uhhh pregnant.” she said, looking at you, her eyes clearly showed how scared she was. Looking at her you smiled softly as you hugged her, “is this a good thing or a bad thing, and does Taehyung know?” you questioned, running your fingers through her hair. She nodded, “I told him just before the trip and he was jumping from excitement.” Her smile radiated onto you, “That’s great! But why do you sound nervous then?” you questioned, afraid of probing into too personal of a matter. Her hands shook as she sheepishly smiled, “I-well Taehyung and I were wondering if you would like to be the godmother.” You were pretty sure your jaw dropped stupidly as you looked at her, “Uhhhh…” “of course you don’t have to, it's just that…” You cut her off, “It’s just...I was surprised not that I don’t want to. I would love to be the godmother.” you smiled, hugging her tightly. Jungkook and Taehyung came over, breaking the moment, “You guys are just ignoring your boyfriends huh?” Taehyung asked as he gave Eunji pouty eyes and Jungkook added whining, “I’ve been wanting to spend time with you all nightttt. You see y/n at work all the time Eunji, let me have her.” Eunji laughed as she said, “Yeah yeah Jungkook but I can’t help that y/n just really loves my eyes and oh my great ass.” She stuck her tongue out playfully as Jungkook stuck his tongue out too, “Yeah well I have a great ass too and startling eyes.” He pouted at you, “Right jagi?” Laughing you squeezed his cheeks, “Yes bunny you do have the best eyes...I can’t speak for the ass though Eunji’s is pretty great.” you joked as you linked your arm with his and pecked his lips, short but sincere. “I love you though even if your ass is mediocre.” “I love you too y/n even if your gaming is mediocre.” “You wanna test that theory bunny?” you asked, punching his arm. Needless to say, the two of you stayed up all night...playing games obviously hahaha...right?

#bts #bts x reader #bts x reader fluff #jeon jungkook #jeon jungkook x reader #jungkook #jungkook x reader #kim namjoon #kim taehyung #taehyung #x reader #bts fluff #bts jungkook #bts x reader smut #x reader fluff #golden maknae #bts reactions #bts imagines #bts namjoon

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sarahw-world · 4 years

Text

Hi anon! (And everyone else!)

I’m sorry I haven’t been around lately; I just logged in after having been away for a while, and I see that I’ve got a few messages asking me if I’m okay.

Basically, I had a little health scare a few months ago, and I sort of forced myself to disconnect from a lot of stuff, including social media, because my issues left me really zapped for a while, and I couldn’t handle any kind of stress at the time. It turned out to be nothing serious, fortunately, but by the time I recovered, I realized that I was enjoying my break more than I expected.

The truth is, when I posted my last Vegebul story, I truly believed it would be my last. I’d been unusually unmotivated to keep writing for a while, and I’d also been seriously considering to just quit both the fandom and writing altogether. I feel like my health issues happened at the “right” time, if you know what I mean, and they forced me to take a step back and reconsider a lot of things.

My experience in the fandom has mostly been a positive one, and I’ve really enjoyed writing and sharing my silly stories with you guys, but I also wonder if maybe I was feeling a little burnt out after having been so active in the fandom for so long. I don’t know, even now I can’t fully identify my feelings at the time, all I knew is that my heart just wasn’t in it anymore, and I needed to disconnect for a bit.

A really nice person sent me a few private messages in one of my fanfiction accounts a few months ago, telling me that she missed me working on one of my old unfinished fics; I’ve also seen that some people have posted some comments and reviews in my old story, asking me to please continue, and I’m truly shocked to see that some of you still remember and support that fic, even after having been on hiatus for so long.

These past couple of weeks, I’ve been feeling the desire to write again, so I’ve decided to give writing and the fandom another shot. I don’t know how active I’ll be around here these days, since I literally feel like I’m slowly “testing the waters” after having been away for so long, but I feel like I may have recovered some of the old excitement I felt when I first joined the fandom, ultimately, I’ll just have to see how I feel.

Anyway, sorry about my personal rant, I don’t usually discuss personal issues in my blog, but since a few people seemed to be concerned, I thought I’d let you guys know how I’ve been doing lately.

Thanks so much for the support some of you have given to my writing, and I apologize if anyone was worried about me leaving like that. To be honest, I didn’t think anyone would miss me much around here, so I’m a bit surprised about these messages.

I hope you’ve all been doing great, and that the new year has great things in store for you guys.

Much love!

#personal

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wrinkledparchment · 5 years

Note

for the asks: saturday, september, october, november, and yesterday? :'))

Thank you so much Sadie! Sorry I didn’t get to this quicker but I need a rest :)

Saturday - What gets you excited whilst writing?

There’s quite a bit! I’m really unmotivated when it comes to writing and I get distracted real easily, but the thing is,,, I love sharing it. Writing genuinely warms my heart, I love doing it, and seeing everyone like it, reblog it, or tell me how much they like it really encourages me to do more.

The other thing is,,, I genuinely love seeing the completed product. I love reading it over and over again and then being able to look back at it like “Damn, that was me who wrote that?”

September - Share a comment or review which still warms your heart?

As a relatively small writer in this community, I don’t really get a lot of love. However, when I do, it is absolutely heartwarming. I mean heartwarming. Probably the fic that gets the most love to this date is Blood and Petals, which is the oldest fic I’ve ever written for DBH. I still get shoutouts from people saying they liked it, saying it was one of the most memorable fics in the DBH fandom this year.

Just a weird thought of mine about the whole situation... I don’t get it. I’m all about self-love especially for things I create, but I’ve written so much better. I’m thinking of re-writing it just because, I love the idea, I love the picture it paints in my head but I could’ve been so much more evocative, you know?

October - Name the darkest or angstiest fic you have written and/or posted?

I don’t have a lot of dark or angsty fics for Connor, and if Kat is the RA9 of Connor angst, I’m the RA9 of Connor fluff. I write so much fluff, so much, Sadie. It’s honestly quite unfortunate.

I’m sure if you’ve been paying attention to my feed you’ll see that I have a lot about ‘fall from grace;’ the WIP I’m currently working on. That is probably the angstiest but also simultaneously fluff. If you’re talking any fandom, though, Blood on My Hands is a fic I wrote a bit ago from the IT fandom. It’s pretty freaking sad.

November - Do you have any rituals or requirements for getting in the mood for writing?

I absolutely do! I’m a maladaptive dreamer, a disorder in which you feel compelled to constantly daydream and it ends up ruining your life and stuff. I could make another post about it, and I probably will. It’s essentially so intense, so immersive that you can lose yourself in your fantasy for hours.

This disorder used to ruin my life, and I’m still picking up the pieces, but ever since I was put on antidepressants, it’s been much better (but that’s a story for a different day).

However, I’ve always been one to flip my weaknesses on the head and show them who’s boss. I’ll probably post something about how I managed to do this in the MADD community on tumblr later, since I think this is such a cool story that people need to hear, but I use my immersive daydreaming as a tool to become a better writer.

I use my immersive daydreams as a way to picture settings, to figure out dialogue, and to truly bring to life my vision for what I want each story to be. I only started doing this recently but it’s worked amazingly well. It was a really hard process but I’d be more than happy to share it if anyone is interested!

Yesterday - Favourite way to write angst?

Like I said, RA9 of Connor fluff. However, I find that a perfect way to write angst is to do it in the dark. Environment plays such a huge role in writing and I find that I write my angstiest things in the cold, at night. I’ll have just finished crying my eyes out or screaming into a pillow, and I envision a scenario.

Once I have what’s happening down, I almost dip my toes back into what made me angry or sad. Not enough to cause a mental breakdown, but just enough for me to channel my emotions into writing dialogue. I save detailed writing for after I’m sane and my hands aren’t shaking, but I still tend to have an idea for everything that’s happening.

However, I’m somehow a very emotionally mature person. I matured way too quickly and went through several situations where someone else’s life was in my hands, and in which I had to remain stable so they had something to fall back on. I know a lot of people out there don’t have this kind of tolerance, which is absolutely fine, and so in their case, I advise them not to do this. It could seriously damage your well-being.

This has been a rollercoaster, oh my god. But thank you for the asks, my dear!

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opepin · 7 years

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oct/nov: week one

30: hm, i don’t know how i woke up at 9 / 10 am today... i got only 5 hours of sleep and i felt kind of awake the entire day. i felt a bit off but was pretty productive. kevin and i woke up at around the same time and he made breakfast and went to work. i didn’t eat but just went on the computer and started working on timesheet stuff. then i got on a call with phil. in the background, i did laundry and wrote down personal things i needed to do for the rest of the week. it was a pretty chill day. i just prepped for tomorrow’s session with phil and got on stand up. i folded laundry and then washed the blankets as well. i was going to take a nap but then i didn’t feel like sleeping when i got into bed. i actually got hungry and ate the last of the leftover fries from mindy’s fat cat order. lol. then kevin came back from work and i did about 50-60 minutes of random ab and cardio workouts in the apartment. i just didn’t feel like walking over to the studio and stuff. i was mentally tired.

i went to shower and kevin made beef stroganoff <3 omg, it was sooo good. he did use sour cream though... next time, we’ll look for a dairy alternative. i think maybe all of the dairy / junk food is catching up to me. my stomach feels pretty acidic and i feel fat and blubbery. we watched two episodes of yakitate! japan and then kevin washed the dishes and gamed. i stayed up a bit to watch youtube videos and a bit of anime. i got really tired though and just went to bed. lol i make it sound like i went to sleep super early. i slept at like 12 am or something though.

31: i am just flubber and blubber right now. i did a hiit workout in the morning, but i don’t know if i pushed myself enough. maybe my body is tired from lack of sleep? after my workout, i showered and made my smoothie before heading out to work. i got to work later than expected thanks to the weird time gap after the 8:55 am train. i got to work and did some tidying up and prepping for the last training session with this customer! :) i got on the call at 11 am and then ate lunch in john and cole’s office lol. they had already eaten their lunch so i just hung around and talked with them a bit before going back to my office for stand up. dave and joe didn’t come in so i had the office all to myself. after stand up, i worked on a few things but also focused on figuring out the best health plan for me. with the help of john and the trusty internet, i found a health plan analysis graphing tool and it made my choice a bit easier. i ended my day doing some quick surveys and then left at around 4:30 pm with cole. we headed to cha time and beard papa’s again and then walked to south station. kevin was already waiting for me and we shared the mango smoothie he wanted. i said goodbye to cole on the platform -- he was frazzled because he missed his train :(

the train was packed and i was separated from kevin. :( lolol but we walked back home together with him looking like a crazy head. his hair was all over the place LOL. he said he was a mad scientist for halloween... kevin went climbing a couple days ago so he asked for a massage and i massaged his arms and back. i’m glad he’s feeling better :) then kevin played some dota while i watched some anime. we stopped to eat leftovers for dinner and watched an episode of yakitate! japan before playing trine 2. the last levels made me crazy. kevin had to pause the game so i could breathe and not get super mad at him LOL. co-op games really test your patience with people :P we finished trine 2!!! the ending was pretty crappy tbh. my head hurt a bit so we didn’t play the DLC and kevin went to game on his computer while i stretched and finished up an episode of the ‘classroom of the elite’ anime i was watching. i stayed up until around 1 am and then went to sleep.

01: i feel really tired and unmotivated to work out. i think the feelings about my weight gain have caught up to me T__T i did get myself out of bed and into the yoga studio to do my morning arm workout. then i did some hip exercises before going back to the apartment, waking up kevin, showering, and making my morning smoothie. kevin made himself a breakfast sandwich and then headed to work. phil sent me a list of things to do and i got started on that right away. then i took a break and ate lunch while watching anime. then i hopped on a call and then got onto stand up right after. i started thinking about christmas presents and stuff. the thought of getting an advent calendar is consuming me, but i don’t really need / really want a specific one. i worked on my to do list during stand up and then continued until the work day was over. it is now the start of my 4-day weekend! woot! :)

i went back to the yoga studio and did more arms and some back. i tried to do less weight today and better form. after the work out, i felt like i didn’t push myself hard enough (the next day i was pretty sore though). kevin came back earlier than i expected but i finished up my work out and headed back to the apartment. he was cooking chimichurri chicken and rice today so i showered and made my protein smoothie. i think i just chilled and waited for dinner. i forget if kevin cooked right away or if he took a break before cooking, but i think i got hungry ahah. the wait was worth it though! i love this recipe (not as much as the beef stroganoff)! it was creamy and garlicky, but it could have been a bit more creamy somehow. we watched two episodes of yakitate! japan and then kevin went to game and i went to watch my anime. i caught up with all the ones i’ve been watching and continued watching ‘the classroom of the elite.’ i went to sleep after. i think my favorite hobby is watching tv or shows right now. i mean, i could do something more productive but i think my mind needs a break from reality right now.

i’ve been trying to embrace instagram again, but i still have some pretty negative thoughts when it comes to how people present themselves and the influence of social media on my generation and the generations after us. i just feel like so many teenagers and utilizing this as a way to get famous quick kind of deal. at first, i was really hyped about getting back on instagram and making a big move to increase my followers and stuff, but just looking at what my friends like (lol kinda stalkerish but i’m also just curious) i notice that there must be a million accounts with a ton of followers but that doesn’t mean they are successful or actually putting their true selves out there. i think that’s the biggest thing for me. i don’t want to ever post something that i don’t identify with and on social media and instagram, i don’t know what’s real lol. i’m the type of person to idealize people, situations, etc. so when i go on instagram and see all the highlights of peoples’ lives, i always need to remind myself that these are photos they choose to share with the world and it’s not the whole picture. i can get lost on instagram and feel real shitty about my life after scrolling a ton. but again, that’s just me and i need to remember that if i really wanted to change my life, i can at anytime. i just to be motivated and break through those obstacles. mmm, sorry... that was a tangent ahah.

02: sleeping in feels so nice, especially on a weekday when you’re supposed to be working :P this is day two out of six of my pto at home for the rest of the year~ kevin made me a breakfast sandwich and we ate breakfast together. then he was off to work. he was supposed to come back early to get a haircut but he left later than usual lol. i started my day finishing up ‘the classroom of elite’ anime. it was interesting... i might wait for season 2 but i’m not sure. the beginning was pretty slow but i feel like everything is going to speed up. then i started watching ‘knight’s & magic.’ the beginning of this anime is a bit rushed but there isn’t much of a real plot... i was super excited about the robots and magic though, haha. i ate lunch while watching and then stopped to try to install this laundry weighing stuff from a survey i signed up for. i realized their plug didn’t fit my washing machine’s plug and had to contact them. i put that aside and then got straight to cleaning the apartment.

i put on my ‘watch later’ youtube playlist on the tv and then thoroughly cleaned and vacuumed the kitchen. then i vacuumed the rest of the apartment and cleaned the entire bathroom. it took longer than i expected. i also didn’t expect to vacuum but there were so many crumbs on the kitchen floor T_T right after cleaning, i hit the fitness center at around 3:30 pm. i was scared away by a person in there (i was hoping no one would be there because it was the middle of the work day) but then i went in and did legs for more than an hour. i didn’t expect to do legs for more than an hour but my rest periods between sets was longer than usual. i used a 50 lb weight to do my sumo squats and deadlifts and i was about to die in the beginning of my workout. i’m still having a lot of trouble with bulgarian split lunges :/ i can’t balance well on my flat feet and my hips hurt a bit when doing them. maybe i’ll do them with less weight next time. my first workout took around 45 minutes, but i was supposed to do it in 30 minutes (was trying to fit two 30 minute leg sessions as i usually do on a regular weekday. i do 30 minutes in the morning and 30 minutes in the evening). so i pushed myself and did an extra 30 minutes on top of that. i did half with some weights and half mat work.

when i got back to the apartment, kevin reminded me that i volunteered to cook. this was a slow cooker recipe so i decided to wait out on my protein shake and showering. i made the sauce and when i took out the chicken thighs from the fridge, they were still frozen D:< it is my biggest pet peeve when i have to cook and my protein is frozen. so i left that out to thaw while i prepped the cabbage and carrots for slaw. i decided to work with them after i made myself my smoothie. my fingers hurt from pulling them apart, but i got the skin off of them and seasoned them and into the slow cooker with the sauce. at first, it didn’t look like they were cooking but they were (thankfully). kevin got back home and we played a steam game together. i forgot what it is called, but it enjoyed this one. we saved our progress after an hour of playing and then he went to run. i showered and then lazed around the apartment. we finished making dinner after kevin showered and the chicken was cooked. i shredded the chicken while kevin made the seasoning for the slaw and toasted buns. we made pulled chicken burgers with slaw for dinner. kevin loves this type of food but i don’t LOL. most of the time when i cook i don’t like what i make. the vinegar taste subsided with the bun so it wasn’t bad.

after dinner, kevin cleaned up and then he gamed. i continued watching my anime and almost fell asleep watching it. i got myself up to brush my teeth and hop into bed. i tried staying up watching youtube videos and then i almost fell asleep again so i just turned everything off and slept at 1 am. lol even on my days off, i can’t sleep too late xP

03: i feel like my eye bags get worse when i sleep in. they are pretty low and dark right now and i’m not sure why. hmm. well, i got up and then made myself a smoothie while kevin ate his breakfast. then he went off to work and i started day three of my pto at home this year ;D i finished watching ‘knight’s & magic’ in the morning; this anime was great and lighthearted. then i decided to watch ‘kimi no todoke’ because i wanted something sappy. then i spent some time packing up the laundry survey materials because i can no longer be a part of it :( the stupid plug is too big. sigh. i had to put in a service request to get someone to push the dryer plug back in because i didn’t have enough strength. lol, i felt super weak after the guy came in and took like 5 seconds to get it back in. ><’ i should have waited for kevin... around 3 pm or so, i went to the yoga studio and did a hiit cardio routine with a step :O it was intense! then i prepped for dinner and made myself a smoothie before showering. kevin got back and wanted to go running but i was hungry so we made dinner before he went for a run. we made shakshuka today and it was delicious!

after eating and digesting a bit, (lol actually, kevin was still in the apartment), i watched the latest episode of ‘jane the virgin’ and stretched. kevin was listening in as he was on his computer doing stuff hahaha. then kevin finally left and i finished stretching. the rest of the night consisted of complete relaxation. i think kevin and i played hammerwatch together for a bit and i watched ‘kimi no todoke’ for the rest of the night until like 3:30 am LMAO. the anime is so cute and addicting. my heart skips a beat when love scenes happen O_O” lol i feel like a haggard old lady.

04: i stayed in bed with kevin instead of working out lol. i really should have worked out before our massage but i wasn’t feeling it. i ended up doing 20 minutes or so of hip hop cardio later on in the day though. anyway, we slept in and then rushed to eat some scallion pancake with egg for breakfast and then left for our appointment at 1:15 pm. we got in and i had one of the best massages ever. my masseuse used the hot stones to religned or stretch out my muscles along my spine. it felt so good! i also got walked on today because i asked for a leg and back focused massage. i came out of the massage knowing that i was going to be super sore the next day. i felt like jello lol. we walked over to oh my tea and i got a hot honey oolong tea with boba and kevin got a large mango smoothie with boba. we shared an egg puff of course! we got back to the apartment and we were going to meal plan but i got so distracted by all the stuff on food52. omg, everything is so beautiful on there. i was also shopping at aerie too lol.

flo and john took the train from south station to our apartment and we went and got them. we gave them a quick apartment tour and then they both showered and got ready for the wedding they were attending. kevin and i finished meal prepping and then we sent them off to their wedding LOL. we felt like parents sending off their children. at this time, we both didn’t feel like going grocery shopping lol. i think kevin went and gamed and i watched videos and watched ‘kimi no todoke’ lol. i really didn’t feel like going outside but kevin wanted to get grocery shopping out of the way, so we did. we went to ikea first to return some items and also to get dinner. we were hoping to be in and out real quick because it was already 7 pm and everything closes at 9 pm. we went to the return area and there was a 20 person wait... so we got a ticket and then waited in line to get dinner. i got the salmon and kevin got the swedish meatballs and chocolate cake. after we found a seat, i left with kevin’s credit card and the stuff to return it. sooo ikea’s layout makes it so that you have to go around the store to get to the check out... i ended up doing that only to end up at the checkout area where there were a ton of lines. i would look super suspicious if i tried going through one of the closed lanes or passing others in line.

so i found this lady putting away stuff at the end of the registers and asked her if i could pass. she said that she didn’t know if i had stolen those and that i should have returned my stuff when i got in ikea. i told her i have the receipt and showed it to her. she didn’t care. she just shrugged and said she wouldn’t let me pass. OMG wtf lady?! so i called kevin clearly frustrated and then i walked all the way back to him. i was really upset. what a rude lady. so then kevin took a stab at it. he took the elevators down thinking it would lead him to the front, but nope, he also had to walk around LOL. good thing he basically finished his food. i wasn’t going to finish my food but i did and i also ate some of the chocolate cake because i was furious. kevin went up to a cashier (person wasn’t busy) and showed them the receipt and they let him through. good thing there were only 3 people waiting now. i had lost our position in line (physically. i lost the ticket in my frustration) but they passed our number already. so we got to return everything, kevin came back, we finished eating, and we dipped. omg, i hate ikea now. i don’t want to go there for a while -____-”

by this time, it was 8:30 pm. all thanks to the lady, we couldn’t finish our grocery run. ugh. we stopped by bj’s, got our stuff, and went back home. i was still agitated so i did hip hop cardio in the apartment to blow off some steam. ajfbsjkdfbsjfsd. then i played helldivers with kevin for part of the night. lol, i’m getting better at the gamee (: i showered at around 12 am and then stayed up watching anime while kevin gamed. flo and john didn’t come back until 3 am? well, it was 2 am minus daylight savings time haha. we let them in and then went to sleep right away. it was about 3:30 am or something when we slept.

05: flo and john woke up early for the time that they slept at. kevin and i got up at around 10:30 am and brushed and made breakfast. i made my smoothie for myself while kevin cooked up a scallion pancake, dumplings, and soup dumplings for him, john, and flo. after i finished drinking my smoothie, i made my orders on aerie and they went through! yay! then i joined the group as we talked about random stuff. then they told us about their trip to iceland and where to go. we planned on going to fat cat for lunch so we drove there and kevin parked further than i thought he would so i was freezing in the thin hoodie that i wore. there was also a 30 minute wait so we ordered to eat in the car. lol, i wish we could have gotten seated :( the receptionist wasn’t very nice either. while we waited for our order, i casually said ‘oh my tea is the best boba i’ve ever had. lol, after that, flo and john were like, ‘we must go!’ so we walked over and they got a strawberry mango smoothie with boba and kevin and i shared a lychee green tea boba. flo said it was the best boba / smoothie she has had in the united states :OOOO woot! we walked back to the car and then drove over to fat cat to pick up the food.

we ate in the car and i’m so happy they liked the food! we ordered lobster mac, calamari, and a seafood red sauce pasta. mmm. they ate as kevin drove to south station. there was a bit of traffic but the HOV lane came through and we dropped them off at the bus terminal with minutes to spare (: it was great having them over! we drove back home and then rested for a bit. i think kevin and i are a bit burnt out when it comes to hosting people. ever since late september or so, we’ve been non-stop hosting or doing stuff on weekends. we went grocery shopping and then i did laundry. i was feeling akfjnskjdfs. my stomach hurt physically -- i think it was all the food i ate from last week and this one. x__x; while the laundry went, i watched a few episodes of ‘kimi no todoke’ and then when i put everything in the dryer, i did cardio kickboxing in the apartment with no weights. i was feeling really tired and sore but didn’t feel like skipping my workout. i took it pretty easy though and didn’t do much jumping.

kevin made us korean rice cake soup for dinner so we could heal from all the eating out. :P we watched yakitate! japan and then cleaned up. kevin went to shower and game and then i continued watching my anime lol. i finished folding laundry and etc too. i finished the first season of ‘kimi no todoke’ and my heart has burst so many times. this anime is so cute! lol. i slept at 1 am because kevin and i make the bed together and i didn’t want to interrupt his game ahha. i ko’d once i put away my phone. zzzz. hopefully, i won’t be sore tomorrow.

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livelikebrent · 7 years

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Stop 3: Charlottesville, VA

**Please Note: I was in Charlottesville the weekend before the rally**

Standing at Brent’s wake I was touched by how many friends had traveled to say goodbye to their friend and the ones that showed up to support me. As dozens of people came through the doors they slowly turned into hundreds and dare I even say thousands? Okay, it was “just” under 2,000. That evening there were times where a million thoughts were flying through my head and at other times I was caught just starring blankly at the carpet. One of the reoccurring thoughts and things I said to some of these friends, “I’m so sorry this is the reason I’m seeing you again.” But I thought about it as I was hugging, kissing, crying and shaking hands with these people that I decided this didn’t have to be the last time I saw them. Or this didn’t have to be their last memory of Brent, his family, and myself. So I came up with Tour de Brent.

It was late on a Sunday night creeping into Monday morning where I looked up the weather in Charlottesville, Virginia for the week and upcoming weekend. It was about a 4.5 hour drive from Philadelphia. One of Brent’s college buds, Broocks, grew up and lived there now with his wife and two little boys. He came up for the wake and funeral and I was able to spend a little time with him afterwards at Rodano’s. A couple of years ago, Brent and I took a road trip to Ashville, North Carolina for another West Virginia University friend’s wedding, "Iowa John’s.” Enroute, we swung through Charlottesville to meet up with Broocks and get breakfast together. So with the weather looking pretty stellar for the entire week, I ended up reaching out to Broocks asking if he by any chance had plans for the coming weekend. The only plans Broocks and his family had for the weekend was taking the boys to the county fair. They welcomed me with open arms into their home.

I was completely fine with driving myself. I had done a lot of that the last year of my life but I remembered Brendan having his summer off. Brendan is one of Brent’s friends from home. According the Brendan, they met in September of 1989 at kindergarten. He came around to Philadelphia a lot whether Brent was in the hospital or perfectly healthy. After Brent had passed, there were many people that reached out to me daily and Brendan was one of them. He’s an athletic trainer for a high school so I figured I better take advantage of him having time off during the week (must be nice) to tag along. Without hesitation he was on board for a long weekend trip to Charlottesville and a hike through the Shenandoah National Park.

Brendan picked me up Friday afternoon and we headed south. What was originally a 4.5 hour car ride quickly turned into 6 but I didn’t mind. Broocks wasn’t getting out from work until about 10pm but we still wanted to try and catch some of the band that was playing at his work in town: Three Sheets To The Wind. Their genre? “Yacht Rock”...they’re a cover band that dress in Tommy Bahama and play various crowd pleasing covers. I mean, wouldn’t you want to catch at least on song that evening? We sure did. On the ride, we talked about everything...work, family stuff, music, Brent, what had happened and how I was. I appreciated some of the questions that Brendan asked me. Some I’ve heard half a dozen times and others no one had asked me or had acknowledged. One question he did ask me during this car ride was, “Has anyone given you any piece of advice that you have found helpful or took comfort in?” It took me a moment. I have had many people reaching out to comfort me, give (warranted and unwarranted) advice and opinions. I had a family friend write me a lovely card. She had lost her son (Let’s call him Jason* for the sake of this post) to leukemia several years back. Similar to Brent, he overcame his cancer but it came back and started to cause problems. She wrote this to me...

“...You can’t go back and say “What if?” You have to be confident with the choices you made and the love you shared. I thought I would “crash and burn” when Jason* passed, but I couldn’t because he wouldn’t want me to! Jason* gifted me reasons to go on and share his love - Our “Jason*’s Hugs” blankets and Jason*’s Camp Flip Flops share his love through us. And...he is always “just beyond my reach”! It’s your path! Fill it with the love you shared! The greatest gift - love!...”

While that piece of advice may be obvious to some of you, it’s also nice to hear it. Some things also aren’t so obvious when you are so close to what has been happening. When Brent would talk about death with me I would entertain the conversation because it was important to address. We couldn’t act oblivious to the fact that death was very much a possibility for Brent. He had concerns that he would make known to me: 1. He didn’t want to die 2. What would happen to me and where would I end up? I would tell him we would cross that bridge when we got to it and we weren’t even close. Then I told him a million times over and over again that dreadful night in the hospital, that morning he passed, everyday leading up to and throughout his funeral that I will be okay, even though I wasn’t. This brings me back to why I’m traveling. I believe that Brent would be heartbroken if he saw me laying around my apartment unmotivated, mourning and not living...or as stated earlier, “crash and burn.” Brent and I missed out on a lot when he was sick and he always felt so guilty for that. He wanted me out and about and not hold me back from anything. So that’s what I’m doing. All of this traveling to see friends again and writing about memories new and old isn’t just for me. These are my reasons “to go on” and Brent is very much a reason and he is with me on every single trip.

We rolled into Charlottesville just after 8pm and caught the last few songs of the final set at the Sprint Pavilion where Broocks is the Operations Manager. The Sprint Pavilion hosts everything from town events and cover bands to Bruce Springsteen. Broocks grabbed us a couple of beers, Starr Hill was one of the main breweries, as he was wrapping up his night and we watched the band. I asked for a Starr Hill because I remembered that Broocks and Brent traded a couple beers on our road trip...and that brewery being one of them. After the band played their final song, Brendan and I walked up and down downtown Charlottesville looking for a spot to eat. What is really neat about Charlottesville is that while restaurants and shops line the brick walkway, down the center of said walkway each restaurant has a fenced in courtyard area with outdoor seating. Literally, every restaurant. So we chose Miller’s Downtown. I had remembered Broocks mentioning Dave Matthews had some sort of involvement with the establishment.

Turns out he used to bar tend there when he was first starting out. We didn’t step a foot inside and dined al fresco. I can’t comment on the ambiance of Miller’s but we people-watched, had burgers and beers which were decent then started making our way back to the warehouse of the Sprint Pavilion. Broocks was busy setting up pong and waiting with a refrigerator full of “hospitality beers.” On the end of the downtown strip before you hit the Pavilion is the Freedom of Speech Wall which I had already had plans for later during our visit. There’s chalk and people come by and write whatever they feel like on the slated structure. When Brent and I visited a couple of years back I remember him drawing the flying WVU logo as photographed below by Broocks!

We opened the doors to the warehouse and there was Broocks amidst a group of friends chatting, laughing, and playing beer pong with music playing in the background. Broocks is such a happy guy and I feel like he brings a smile to everyone’s face as soon as you see him. He welcomed us, made sure we were introduced to everyone and got us some drinks which happened to be from Starr Hill again. Broocks and Brendan chatted, they had never met one another. When I originally asked Broocks if Brendan could visit with me for the weekend he said, “Any friend of Brent’s is a friend of mine.” Brent was always about bringing people together and I plan to continue to do that for him. I had already received the grand tour of the warehouse but Broocks showed Brendan and me around. The warehouse is honestly a man cave...but you’re at work with all of your event equipment.

Brendan and I ended up chatting for a while with a kid named Jake. He was really passionate about fly fishing, used to work at the Sprint Pavilion and attended Marshall University. I believe that is literally all we talked about. He seemed to be an honest, nice and easy-going individual. He didn’t stick around all night as he had to get up early the next day for his fly fishing camp he taught. As we were standing there next to this filing cabinet filled with stickers we started looking for a spot for Brent. There was a perfect spot on the top draw right next to a Starr Hill sticker. Jake asked about the stickers and I told him about Brent, Carve 4 Cancer and why we were in town to begin with. He was blown away and said his family has a house in the Poconos not terribly far from where Carve had been held. He immediately asked if he could have a sticker so he too could “Live Like Brent.” I gave one to him without thinking twice.

We woke up the next day to Broocks introducing Bodie to Brendan and me. Bodie is a cute blonde pup that loves playing fetch. He will literally go all day long. That’s what she said. Our next introduction was to Nolan, Jen and Broock’s 3 year old son who loves everything about cars. Then last but not least we were blessed with Jen and Nash’s presence a 3 month old who had been on his best behavior all weekend. I kid you not when I say I did not hear the child cry once. We actually knew what we would be having for breakfast that morning because Broocks had been insisting and chatting about it the night before. Bodo’s Bagels offers something called a “Deli-Egg Bagel” and it’s flipping delish. Ultimately it’s meat scraps mixed into the egg on your whatever egg and cheese sandwich. Broocks picked up breakfast from Bodo’s as the rest of us had coffee on their deck. We played fetch with Bodie while Nolan sang us a couple of songs and danced around like a wild man. Side note: Brendan was the perfect guest. Nolan and Bodie both fell in love with him and immediately all became best friends. It also helped that Brendan could speak about Cars all day long...as in the movie, Cars. After breakfast the Meade Family packed up and went to the Albemarle County Fair as Brendan and I headed towards the Blue Ridge Parkway on Skyline drive to hike through the Shenandoah National Park.

This photo is of Brent and me back in 2015. We did a similar drive but a bit longer on the Parkway and ended up hiking Humpback Rock which had an elevation of 3,080 feet. It was beautiful. I decided that this time around we would do something different and saw there were a couple of falls trails. The drive through the park was a solid 20 minutes to reach the trail base. Again, I didn’t mind...the entire drive through the Shenandoah is scenic with the trees, dozens of overlooks and winding roads. Another thing I didn’t mind was that it felt like fall that morning. It may have been just about 70 degrees if that. It was gorgeous.

We ended up on an 8 mile hike starting at the Jone’s Run and connecting to the Doyle’s River Falls loop. The water wasn’t terribly high. Before we left the house Jen mentioned that they haven’t received much rain this summer. It was completely fine and still a solid hike. We saw three falls, two of which were on the Doyle’s River trail which were 63′ and 28′ followed by the Jones Falls that was 42′. It was a long downhill hike followed by a long uphill. I may have said to Brendan at one point, “I don’t understand how this is an ‘intermediate’ trail.”...We were still very much on the downhill portion. My glutes later confirmed that it was very much an intermediate hike. The trails were shady for the most part and the weather honestly couldn’t have been better for an August hike. At one point we were on part of the Appalachian Trail which was neat. Brent had talked about wanting to hike the entire trail in one shot...I couldn’t imagine doing that. But fun fact: Broocks has hiked 150 miles of the AT (not in one shot but still v. impressive)! By the time Brendan and I hit mile 7 out of 8 on the hike I was most definitely ready for food. A deli-egg can only hold you for so long. When we finally looped back to the trail base where the car was parked we stopped to take in the scene once again but with a feeling of accomplishment this time around. We took a couple of photos before getting in the car for another scenic ride to Crozet, VA for some grub.

During the car ride down in between singing Fat Joe and Usher songs, Brendan made sure I was aware how ready his stomach was for smoked meat on this trip. I took note. Broocks had told us before we left for our hike about a place that had awesome smoked barbecue called Smoked Kitchen and Tap...how fitting. I couldn’t get a photo fast enough for the before photo. But this will have to do! We ordered hickory smoked brisket, ribs, fried chicken (with a side of maple syrup), cornbread, creamed corn with jalapeno and cole slaw. My mouth is watering again. The meat literally fell off of the bone. Smoked also has it’s own line of sauces. Carolina Firewater was hands down my favorite. I’m not a huge fan of barbecue sauce...I prefer savory. This was a vinegar based hot barbecue sauce and it ruled.

After we had our “snack” we headed back to the Meade’s to clean-up and head out to dinner with the family and then go see a show downtown with Broocks. After we cleaned up we hung out on their patio, played fetch with Bodie, I told Jen what had happened with Brent in those final 12 hours of his life and drank a couple of beers...some of which were yes, Starr Hill along with beer I had brought. Brent collected growlers. Knowing Broocks was into craft beer just like Brent I took Brent’s Crime and Punishment Brewing growler and filled it up with one of Broock’s favorite types of beer, an English brown ale called Bad Haircut. I gave it as a gift and a ‘thank you’ for not only just allowing us to stay in his home but for being a part of Brent’s life.

Broocks wanted to bring us to a place called Kardinal Hall (a cardinal - I know!) which was a German style beer hall. It was great. I will say it again...the weather was perfect. We were able to snag a seat outside so Nolan could play and we could enjoy the ambiance of the evening. We chatted WVU and Broocks explained how he knew Brent. In his own words, “It’s all a bit foggy”...I find this a common theme when you ask any of the WVU boys how they’ve met. But ultimately, Broocks met Brent through our dear friend Dan who grew up with Brent and ended up attending college together. One night Broocks went over to Dan’s apartment and ended up meeting his neighbors below him and the rest is history...or just a bit “foggy.” Speaking of how people have met, I’ve mentioned Starr Hill several times in this post and in my last post I noticed that there was a Starr Hill sticker where I placed my #LiveLikeBrent sticker at Assateague Island. Well, it turns out that Starr Hill plays quite the roll in the Meade household...and I don’t mean that because that the one beer their refrigerator was stocked with either. Jen was in Charlottesville for a work conference several years ago. She fell in love with the town and during her visit she stopped at...wait for it...Star Hill Brewery. Broocks just so happened to stop at the brewery that night and took a seat next to her. Honestly...Starr Hill should put out a “meade” to honor this couple. I feel as though their life is sponsored by Starr Hill and not just by choice.We stayed for just a couple of hours and by the time 8:30pm rolled around we packed things up so Jen and Broocks could put the kids down for bed.

P.S. Let’s all acknowledge Broocks’ shirt he chose to wear. It’s a Brent Mydland shirt that Brent made back in college with some friends. Super appropriate for this weekend!

After Brendan and Nolan were done chatting Cars, Broocks took us to the downtown mall to The Jefferson Theater to see a Charlottesville all-star Grateful Dead cover band play called Alligator. The Jefferson reopened only in 2009 but was established in 1912 as a live performance theater that played silent movies, vaudeville acts and hosted a historic list of live performers, ranging from Harry Houdini to The Three  Stooges. It’s a neat venue that reminded me a bit like The Troc in Philadelphia...but a bit nicer. When we walked in, Broocks already had tickets set aside for us. While he only asked for three tickets, his friends at the venue set aside four. Even though Broocks told them twice he didn’t need the fourth ticket they just insisted that he took it. Broocks looked at us and said “Then this one is for Brent.” We got to the show in time for their second act and they played really well! One thing I did notice is that there was a woman on stage. I mentally face palmed and thought, “Donna Jean.” As soon as she started singing, Broocks leaned over to Brendan and I vocalizing my thoughts. “Donna Jean ruined so many songs!” It was true but the woman up there did a great job. We hung out on the floor for a while and then Broocks gave us a tour. He gave one to Brent and I when we swung through town briefly but the venue was empty. So it was neat to be able to watch the band from various spots throughout the theater.

We walked around the venue and got another round of drinks. Broocks knew the bartender...well, Broocks knows everyone. I wouldn’t be surprised if he had told me he was actually the mayor of Charlottesville. They were chatting about what was planned for the following weekend downtown, the Alt-Right rally. The group had done everything properly as far as organizing their event in the downtown mall, permits, paperwork etc. But The Jefferson Theater was concerned about the safety of their patrons and how packed the mall may become. It was to the point where the venue was considering cancelling their concerts that had been booked for that weekend. I honestly don’t think anyone knew what to expect and couldn’t have imagined what actually ended up happening. All I know is that if Brent were still alive and with us on the trip he would have been beside himself knowing we had just been there. I've been sick to my stomach thinking about it as well.

After the show, Broocks took us to one of his favorite spots downtown called, Jack Brown’s. He mentioned that they were having a silent disco outside for a portion of the night and we could check it out if we wanted. As soon as he said that, I looked at him and Brendan and asked, “Have you EVER participated in a silent disco?!” The answer from both of them was no and I told them we had to go to it. So we went inside, snagged a couple of seats at the bar and drank. I thoroughly enjoyed the place...it was a dive. Bras hanging from one of the “chandeliers”, vintage beer cans lining the ceiling and a fairly extensive bottle and can selection. Mind you, I asked Broocks to take us where he would’ve brought Brent had he been in town for the night. Broocks said Brent took him once to get a hubcap burger at The White Haven Family Diner back home in Pennsylvania so Broocks wanted to take him out for a burger at Jack Brown’s. Plus, there was a great spot for a sticker to be thrown up. I’m also just noticing now another Starr Hill sticker in this photo.

After we had a couple of drinks we went outside to the silent disco. For those of you unfamiliar with this rad concept I’ll explain it! Everyone had a pair of wireless headphones that are controlled by two DJs. One DJ is “blue” and the other “green.” On the side of your headphones you have two controls: 1. Volume 2. A station switch. For the station switch you can either tune into what the blue DJ is playing or switch over to what the green DJ is playing. The DJs were located on balconies outside of the bar above everyone singing and dancing. So if the green DJ sees everyone’s headphone beginning to light up blue then he will change the song he’s playing in hopes to get everyone back over to their station. Mind you, if you don’t have the headphones on...you can’t hear the music. Randomly, I would take my headphones off and hear people singing out of tune to the same song and dancing. It was like being in a completely different world when you had your headphones on jamming out.

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Broocks and Brendan couldn’t have enjoyed themselves any more than they did. We were all singing, dancing, drinking and telling one another when a noteworthy song came on the other DJ’s channel and to switch. We were only able to catch the last hour of the disco and could’ve gone on for another hour had the DJs kept it going. Final song of the night? Queen B’s “Love on Top” ... to say the very least it was a great way to wrap up the silent disco.

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The silent disco was the highlight of the night. But I will say there was a very close second. I introduce to you: Mike Jones a.k.a. the “C-Ville Clapper.” As we were walking down the mall, Broocks pointed out a gentleman in camo with a bicycle. “You guys see that guy!? That guy is SO annoying. He’s the C-Ville Clapper.” The C-Ville Clapper stands on the soap box next to the Freedom of Speech Wall and...yes, slow claps. All. Day. Long. Broocks says it gets to the point where people working inside of the offices downtown get annoyed by the constant noise of the slow clap. Broocks approached him to find out his real name, “Well, I’m Mike Jones!” he said and shook Broocks’ hand. The three of us buzzed died laughing hearing that and looking at this guy. We walked and talked with him for a bit. Then he looked at us and asked us to follow him down the alley. We all looked at one another and said in various forms, “Nah, I’m good man.” But he told us, “I’m a bad boy, I’ll take you to the moon.” Again. Dead. Laughing.

After the disco and walk with Mike Jones we ended up at The Whiskey Jar for a night cap. Another spot that Broocks would’ve brought Brent. The name of this bar certainly described the place pretty well. The place was buzzin’ with a wedding party along with other patrons. It had bottles on bottles of all sorts of whiskeys and brown liquors that I had never even heard of before sitting pretty on shelves.

There was a little jazz band playing in the back corner behind us. Brent would’ve really liked this place. I could picture him sitting at one of the tables with a whiskey neat bobbing his head and tapping his toes to the band. We shut down the bar and grabbed a ride home. The three of us spent the next hour talking about Brent. The wake. The funeral. How terrible it all really is. Then we called it a night.

Sunday was for two things: Ace Biscuit and Barbecue and taking over a portion of the Freedom of Speech Wall. When Brent and I came down to meet up with Broocks we started with breakfast. Broocks suggested Ace and I’m so glad he did. It is absolutely delish. One of my favorite things about this place is that they have an ODB sandwich on the menu - Ol’ Dirty Biscuit. Tip: You can make any menu item “dirty” by adding sausage gravy. Plus, the fact that the name of the establishment is also my nickname made me like the joint even more.

Looking back I wish I had a photo taken of the three of us. But sometimes it’s just easier to be living in the moment. We ordered our breakfast and sat back at a picnic table anxiously waiting for our meals. I LOVE biscuits and was waiting all weekend for my Ace sausage, egg and smoked pimento cheese biscuit breakfast sandwich. I couldn’t tell you what the boys ordered because I was too focused on waiting for my own. My food didn’t stand a chance and I didn’t even think about snapping a photo. So this photo of the mural outside will have to do!

We went back inside, I bought a t-shirt (bummed they are always “sold out” of their OBD shirts) and asked permission to place a sticker on the mixer sitting up at the register. As I was doing so, a couple of the employees asked what the sticker was for. We told them the story and the last time we were there was with Brent and had to come back. They immediately cleared off a spot right on the front of the mixer for Brent so everyone could see it. The employees couldn’t have been nicer and more supportive.

After Ace we made our way back to downtown to work on the Freedom of Speech wall. We bought some chalk and chalk pens, borrowed a bucket and straight edges from Broock’s warehouse and went to town on that wall. We probably could have completed the project in less time but every so often a group or individual would stand there and ask what we were doing or who Brent was. At first Brendan and I would both stop what we were doing to chat with the group or individual...but it became so frequently asked that we ended up alternating who would tell the story. Some people said, “Oh” and then there would be others that were so extremely touched by the story and what we were doing. One women embraced my sweaty body and hugged me tight and wished me the absolute best. That meant a lot to me coming from a complete utter stranger. But then alas! We completed the hashtag in 2.5 hours! Shout out to Brendan for his first and claimed this to be his last “art installation.”

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As we made our way back to the Meade household we passed a cardinal mural on the side of a building not too far from the house. As we passed, Brendan asked if I wanted him to stop to take a photo. As I was thinking about my response and if I felt like stopping he said, “Sometimes the cardinal comes to you and sometimes you have to go to the cardinal.” He whipped his car around and told me to go stand against the wall. I’m glad he did.

When we got back to the house it was mid afternoon and Brendan and I packed up and said our ‘goodbyes’ to Jen and Broocks. Jen told us that Nolan will be very upset when he wakes up from his nap to see his friends have vanished. The kid could’ve literally laid next to Brendan talking about cars and watching car videos for hours on end. If he doesn’t end up doing something with cars when he gets older I will be astounded to say the least. As we were walking out of the house Brendan asked if I’d like to swing through Washington D.C. since it was on the way home...I figured why not? We were going to be sitting in D.C. traffic anyway. Brendan also mentioned that since Brent loved history and we could visit the World War II monument for him. I liked that idea. As we were leaving Virginia, Brendan elbowed me. I looked at him and he nodded in the direction of a truck passing us on the right. He casually said, “Look at the license plate.” I chuckled but was thinking, “You have got to be kidding me.” It said, “BBRENT.” Photographed below, Brent decided to join us for a bit on the ride to D.C..

We walked around the monuments, chatted and again just enjoyed the beautiful weather we were blessed with that weekend before heading back north to Pennsylvania. I just want to say thank you once again to Jen and Broocks for your generosity and spending a weekend with me for Brent! Thank you to Brendan for being my photographer and chauffeur for the entire weekend. I couldn’t have asked for better company.

Photo Credit: Brendan Moriarty, Broocks Meade and Jen Meade

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everyoneneedsalisteningear · 6 years

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Dear possible future counsellor/therapist,

I hate to be that kind of patient, those that did their kinda whole background reading online and come to you expecting that you confirm what they have already diagnosed for yourself and in the whole process, kind of not trust you if you tell them otherwise.

...I'm very sorry, but I am this kind of patient.

I know it is annoying, but let's face it, in this day and age, who wouldn't find and see things on the internet? We all need to start adapting our ways to deal with such patients. To get them to trust you without wholly discrediting the "homework" they did and believe in.

I would also like to bring up the prevalence of mental health issues in my generation. It is almost like a joke now amongst a ton of us, that we have no life goals, that we're just dissatisfied with life in general and it's a slob, where we're always alone and sad --- there's a whole meme culture for this called dank memes, and the amount of people that relate to this is quite a lot.

many many people in our generation are identifying as having anxiety and depression, and it is truly a whole community worth of people.

But I need to tell you this, and I want you to believe me. As much as I find these depressing jokes very funny and relatable, that isn't the reason why I'm here, and that isn't the reason why I choose to feel this way.

I wouldn't want to be here if I didn't feel like I needed to be. Feeling this way sucks. I want my old self back. I didn't choose for this to happen. The main reason why I am here, is because I feel that what I am going through seems abnormal. Emotions are supposed to be relatively rational, in a sense that if you're worried, something worth worrying about has happened/if you're sad, something sad has happened etc.

The thing is, I feel a pang of sadness that comes out of nowhere. For no particular reason whatsoever worth me feeling THIS sucky. I have a quote from myself, once when I was going through those times, that goes "can I fall sick or something so I have a legit reason to feel this shitty".

There was literally nothing going on. My life is uneventful like that. I could just be studying. I could even be hanging out with my beloved friends, who put up with so much more of my crap than they should be subjected to, I could be alone doing things I love like dancing or watching a movie or even eating, and there would be times where my chest hurts and I feel like crying. It's funny because it's not so much sadness, but like I like to describe it, I'm simply, down. Kind of like you're some heavy rock. Then obviously you don't feel like doing anything except lie on a bed and wallow in self-pity.

My baseline, I would describe it as a certain extent of self-consciousness. There is an inner monologue in my head going on most of the time, thinking through things I want to do or say. I remember once, for 2 days straight, I was functional as heck. Inner monologue me wasn't there, and I socialised well and was alone well as well. I was happy and content, and I never felt so confident with myself.

But that was awhile ago, and the muck creeped back in over time.

Inner monologue me is frustrating. When my chest hurts, it screams my motto at me (kinda the coping mechanism I found for myself over the year), which is that the lower I feel, the more I must fight it. "Fight it, resist it you idiot!", it would scream at me. At other times when my mind is racing, there's just many inner monologue mes talking over each other. Sometimes it's not just me, it's replayed conversations from my past, just coming back here and there. If it doesn't reach a peak, that's manageable. But sometimes, the talking gets faster and faster, and my heart starts to race and I get kinda panicky and I really need to find some way to break it. Usually I change my activity or find another distraction. Sleeping does not work.

But these aren't the worst things. Let me tell you about my worst fear. It used to be that I was scared I wasn't a good person at heart. That's no longer the case, after I started feeling something different.

It started with a rare, seemingly one-off episode, like my chest-hurting which is much more common now..., where I was just suddenly acutely aware that I am a person, alive in this world, and I am me.

I don't like talking about it because imagining it may make me go there, and I don't want to go there. I lose myself there. It's like I don't even know who I am anymore, and I'm just some... thing controlling this human I call "me" in this weird universe we call reality. I feel like an avatar, in a first person game, navigating my way around. Even when I talk to my friends, sometimes it's like talking to them through a screen. That is my worst fear. That I lose myself completely, that I start contemplating about things I can't put into words, when reality falls apart and seems like some sort of game. When I am detached from the world around me and everything seems muffled, and everything overwhelms me all at once. Where I feel alone and yet I don't know who I am. That is my worst fear. This may sound melodramatic, but.. sinking into oblivion like into a deep dark sea with no one around you, no sounds of life, blurry visions, no start and no end, like being trapped in some kind of weird limbo? yeah that's the stuff.

...

So, I feel like I need to pull myself out of that for awhile now and just let you know some of my counselling history. I went to the school counsellor for a couple of sessions and stopped completely. I have no intention of going back to see her, ever, because it wasn't a good fit.

Granted, I wasn't always completely honest with her but that's in a way of me just feeling weird to be so dramatic about my emotions. Like how I am usually like with friends and family, I tend to joke around alot and be very sarcastic, and I do that especially when talking about serious and sad things like that.

I suppose I wasn't taken very seriously then, because she kept reassuring me that there is nothing wrong with me, just some self-confidence issues.

Now...you must see where this is a problem. For me, at least.

I, am someone who has been writing diary entries since I was in kindergarten. I love writing whenever I had something I wanted to share. Writing was my outlet, writing is where I tell stories about my life and usually, make them sound better than they actually were, but that's just a speciality of mine. Also, and most importantly, writing made me my own counsellor.

I've been solving my own problems, insecurities and whatnot, via writing for the past like 13/14 years. I wouldn't be here, if I didn't think that there was something really wrong with me, that was abnormal, that I cannot rationalise myself out of, and that I need professional help with.

So when I've gathered all my courage to approach a mental health professional, telling them I think I may need help, telling me that nothing is wrong with me is NOT reassuring.

What does that mean? If nothing is wrong with me, that means that whatever emotions I'm feeling and whatever thoughts I'm having, that there is a reason to them. That they make sense, and it's a normal reaction to things happening in my life. But that's not the case! I feel and think these things REGARDLESS!

So how do you explain this, if there is "nothing wrong with me"??

It was really frustrating. I felt like she didn't believe me, and once, when I told her I really didn't feel like getting out of bed and doing anything at all, feeling unmotivated etc, she laughed and said, oh right, like feeling too lazy to do anything right and I was like. okay. no.

Being lazy, is a whole other issue altogether.

I'm not someone, to not do important things, and let myself fall apart, simply because of laziness. I won't let myself. Which is why I've been fighting it even more nowadays, because I gave in to it initially when I first felt it for the first few times. Back then, I thought well maybe if I really sink myself into it, I'll "use it up" and then I can move on. You know how they say, accepting the emotion instead of being in denial so you can find out what's wrong, accept it and then move on. But nooo.... I let myself sink into it, and only got out a few months later. It was horrible. That period of my life is a blur, I don't even know what was going on, I was just surviving blindly.

She did, eventually, give me a referral to some mental health organisation because I think she could tell that I was exasperated she wasn't giving me a diagnosis of some sort (my fault, sorry), but then I met another kind of frustration.

The man I talked to, basically told me that I wasn't depressed enough to have depression.

Oh, your life isn't in complete shambles? Oh, you can still get out of bed in the morning? Oh, you haven't missed a bunch of meals or ate until your stomach exploded? Oh, you still have friends? Yeah, I don't think you're depressed. You're fine.

Excuse me, perhaps I feel these ways in a milder version. I may not feel like eating, but I eat something anyway because I'm not to the point where I want to starve myself. Besides, eating is a coping mechanism for me. A great distraction. So not eating? yeah no, not gonna happen. Eating too much? I eat a lot normally, so it's not really a thing. I really can't tell the difference. But yes, now, I do see the differences abit more clearly perhaps after a longer period of monitoring myself, I do eat less when I'm down. But not to the point of not eating because I'm not suicidal yet.

Sleep patterns is a whole other thing. I can safely tell you that when I am down, I sleep past 2am, unless I have a headache and have to sleep earlier. Because I lose track of time, and I don't want to be alone with my head. I get a bad feeling about it sometimes. Which is why I can't be alone, usually, when I'm down because I'm scared that negative thoughts will overwhelm me.

The thing is though, I am someone who also wants to be empowered to live their life, so I'm not going to just sit back and let all these things ruin my life. I fight back. So to say that as if my grades are slipping like shit and I'm going to LET it? nope, not gonna happen. I have a career ahead of me and no matter how shitty I feel and how unmotivated I am to do anything about it, you'd be sure I will sit myself on that chair, and I will stare at my laptop screen until I do some work. No it will not be my best work. But it will be something. So to say that I'm going to let all these things happen and me just letting it be, as a sign of depression? no. I felt insulted, if I have to be completely honest.

So at that point I did get pissed, and outrightly asked him, "okay so if I don't have depression, what is this? why do I feel all this? there has to be a reason for it", and he finally gave in not fighting me on it, that I may have depressive symptoms, but then added, but not to the point of depression yet.

I guess it was the most I could get out of him at that point.

I feel bad that I want people to diagnose me. I want to feel that these thoughts and emotions to be validated by a mental health issue, because, like what I asked him, if this isn't it, them give me a good reason why my thoughts and emotions are irrational!

I believe I made my stand clear ... I hope to hear what you have to say. Thank you for listening.

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