#This line of thinking always ends up right in the lap of fascism and white supremacy and overall bigotry

[miraculouslumination]

"Trans men/transmascs aren't hated for being men/masculine we're/they're only hated for being trans"

Tell that to literally any trans man, or even transmasc individual, who has lost numerous friends during their transition because they became "too much of a man/too masculine".

Tell that to any trans man or transmasc who has been asked and berrated with questions and comments such as "why would you EVER want/choose to be a man" "how could you do this to us?" "Well as long as you don't act like/become too much of a man." "You're not going on T, though, are you?" and plenty more

Tell that to any trans man or transmasc who has been pushed out of entire support groups and communities, even if they have been there for YEARS, because they're no longer a woman

Tell that to any trans man or transmasc who have been labeled as a traitor to women and woman/sisterhood for being a man/masculine

Tell that to the trans men and transmascs who have been deemed dangerous and thus shunned, threatened, or even assaulted all because they're men now "and they should expect and accept it"

To the trans men and transmascs who have been assaulted in ways to try and "fix us" and turn us "back into women/lesbians"

Tell that to the trans men and transmascs who are labeled as the killers of parents sweet precious cis daughters or stealer of irreplaceable invaluavle lesbians or a poor unfortunate victim of being groomed by the Big Scary Trans Genders

Tell that to the trans men and transmascs who have been denied crucial, sometimes life-saving and/or life-altering health and medical care all because their gender marker has been changed to an M.

Tell that to the trans men who get told we're the ones responsible misogyny being systematic - that we just want to have it "easier" and surely can no longer be feminists because we "chose being an evil, oppressive (trans) man over being a soft, holy (cis) woman"

Tell them that all of the losses of their social connections and supports, the grimaces and sneers people have as their transition goes "too far". Tell that to the trans men and transmascs who have been deemed as predatory, potentially dangerous, in need of "saving", and so much more. Tell it to the trans men and transmascs who go through constant silencing, scrutiny, erasure and gatekeeping. Tell them that all of the pain, grief, loneliness, isolation, harassment, abuse and MORE that they have experienced ISN'T because they're a man or masculine, but because they're "just" trans. Even when, during all of these horrific moments in their life, the people inflicting this violence against them held nothing but contempt for them choosing to be a man. For trying to parade around as a man, when clearly they're just some poor delusional cis woman.

Tell them, because clearly you know everything and exactly how all of this works and how everyone's lived experiences have gone. Because you apparently know everything more than anyone else.

#Jean rambles #Transphobia #Lateral aggression #I'm actually getting so sick of seeing this argument against it #Like y'all really need to get better at thinking #If you are a marginalized person and ALSO a man then yes!! #Part of your struggles WILL be because you are a man/masculine! #Because of shit like ''all men are secretly evil violent bloodthirsty killers'' that has rotted some of y'alls brains #That hurts people - not just cis men or even trans men #It hurts PEOPLE to assume an entire gender and/or sex is prone or hardwired to do something #Like goddamn ''all black (cis) men are dangerous and are going to hurt our poor helpless white (cis) women'' #Is one of the biggest examples with PLENTY of historical proof behind it #This line of thinking always ends up right in the lap of fascism and white supremacy and overall bigotry #And y'all need to cut it out #tw abuse #tw assault #Long post #Kind of #Transandrophobia

[dogswithhatsnc]

Hey folks, a lot of people in my life have known Andrew has been Not Great for a while now, and while I've had a really good week and gotten stuff done and all that, I've still got lots of work ahead and all that. Anyway I am using this paragraph to continually stall because I realize this is the last moment anyone reading this who doesn't already know will learn I was raped. Anyway now that the cat's out of the bag I am going to just copy paste the thing I wrote about it and then go run on the treadmill to calm down.

Language is the bedrock of a society, an ability to communicate with those around you, to form communities, and sharing a language is a crucial step in feeling like you belong. When people talk about losing their language or it being twisted and morphed by outside cultures (it’s white people, it’s always white people, usually rich), it comes from the knowledge that language is one of the most identifiable and important aspects of a culture. To avoid making this continue to sound like the TA in your sociology class having to stall for time as your professor runs late, I’ll cut to the chase: 2016, a garbage year by nearly any metric, unless you work for Goldman, a private prison, or do PR for a white nationalist group, also holds an extra special place in my heart as being the year I got drugged and raped.

I guess this is where I talk about it right? Cut the edge, ground it, help assuage any questions about what happened in advance. Well unfortunately for that trope I can count the real meaningful conversations I’ve had about it outside of therapy on one hand, and since the kind of people that need “exhaustive proof” about this stuff wouldn’t believe me anyway, I would rather not provide much. It was Spring Break, I went to a house party, and woke up with a ripped shirt. Between the general nature of Spring Break and some dope shit that would be entering my social life shortly after the rape, no one paid much notice to how I spent the next couple of weeks all sorts of either drunk or disassociated. After I got out of shock I spent the next half a year trying to show just how normal and fine I still was, to varying levels of success. Sure sometimes I would inexplicably not show up to things and sure, it became really hard for me to write, which is, you know, ostensibly my job, but I could still smile and crack jokes and be an outgoing boy, so who cares.

But as it turns out, that stops working after a while. You burn out, stop exercising and eating well (intentional weight gain as a method of self-torture/preservation by making myself unattractive is super easy to do as it turns out), stop seeing friends, stop answering texts, stop going outside. You don’t trust yourself to go to sleep, and when you do it’s during the day to avoid the outside world, a world whose uncaring nature has been reinforced in ways I had never been prepared for. (this isn’t a comment on world affairs really, the continued ascent of fascism and the lack of mainstream support of organized opposition besides making fun of grammatical errors of fascists and tone policing protests is par for the course.) You continue to spiral downward, and as it all comes to a head, you have no idea how to say anything, the language of how to talk about myself, both what happened to me and where I am now, feels ripped from me, stolen violently. The language of self-hate and depression is what fell into it’s place, but even that, at best, just dances at the margins of this new self I have to communicate, one who I can at best meekly and incompletely describe as broken.

The genre that is the personal essay is one the is often self-congratulatory in nature, as it should be, it is often written at an end point, a reflection on the trials and trauma that led to this point and a realization in personal strength and drive, which it should be really. Be proud of your achievements and own them, humility and civility are often demanded by those that would leave you in the abyss the instant they don’t see a use for you. But this isn't my victory lap. To me this is a self assessment meant to help lift the weight of my rape off my throat, to help create a space where I can find my language again, to where I can begin the process where I stop being a writer who doesn't write, where I stop internalizing all this shit out of fear what it means when I share who I am now. I’ve already lost the person I told myself was my best friend in the aftermath of my first round of reaching out and lived, so time to crash through the glass and not look back.

Look, let's be clear, I’m still fucked up. I’ve made a ton of progress since the night I broke down in front of my mom and told her I was raped for the first time, but I still feel my neck shiver whenever I get surprised, sometimes it’s hard to leave my apartment or even take my clothes off to shower. I am still learning how to effectively communicate this in day to day passing conversation, and often feel the need to appease and shrug off my struggles rather than ask for help. I guess it stems from a belief to show everyone how ok I am, even though it actively harms my long term recovery. It’s hard to see the world past a few weeks from now, let alone months or years. The future is still a grey waste, and while I am working to better myself and it, it is no motivator of mine. 

My advice to anyone who has been sexually assaulted is to find a safe space to fucking let that shit out, the longer you keep it in the more it will eat away and rot you. It doesn't fix anything to get it out there, but it makes it so you can do the admittedly hard and shitty work one needs to do to feel comfortable being alive again. And for those trying to support people in their lives who have gone through shit, listen way more than you talk, and no matter how well intentioned you think you are, try not to diminish or find a silver lining about what has occurred by saying something like “at least you can’t remember it.”

Also, please, if you feel the need to reach out to me because it will make you feel better and not because you care about me/my recovery, fuck your thoughts and prayers. I have a lot of shit going on but I can still identify that.