#NEVER EVER SAY ANYTHING RELATED TO FOOD OR LOOKS TO A RECOVERING ANOREXIC

[elisaleis]

Let's talk about Eating Disorders !!!

First of all, I am going to say that each eating disorder is a world apart from the person who suffers from it. Here I am going to talk exclusively about my experience (I do not compare myself or want anyone to compare me) Also to say that all kinds of eating disorders are not something that we wake up with overnight, it has a process that can last for years. or more at the beginning, which highlights that deep down a story is hidden, traumas that most of the time has nothing to do with food.

I do not recommend anyone to start with this disorder by making their own decision, it is a slow and quite sad process that always has a solution when it comes to the thought of "Wanting to lose weight." So please, if you have that ideology, seek help from nutritionists or a health professional, because this in itself is more trauma along with the psychological aspect. "Take Control because someone or something has taken it out of our life." That said, if this is your case please Get out of here, Love yourself and Feel Happy with your Own Being.

My story began with a trauma from a very young age and with this an ideology that in my experience cannot be erased with any psychological treatment or therapeutic help. I am not going to relate my trauma here because I will not expose myself in this way. I lived many years enduring a pain that killed me inside. Depression, Anxiety and Hallucinations (Flash-back) with those painful moments of my childhood. Anorexia was a very slow process, it took years in which unconsciously the relationship with food became a Control to make my own decisions. Before, I always had a sad and insecure time, until I seized that control that was lacking in my life. Not physically but emotionally I felt indestructible. (I want to emphasize that the greatest goals and ideas achieved throughout my adolescence was in this period of eating disorder).

When control became obsessive, then I did fall into that sad Edge of Disease. I reached 85 pounds without even realizing it. I went out on my own and resumed a Fitness diet reaching 115 pounds and being envied by many people. But what do you think? It was not me. I was not happy and that control had disappeared, I went to therapies which did not help and that trauma as a child became a current idea. I didn't count calories and was on an Intuitive-only diet. Sadly, Anorexia is a layer that protects me from my own mind to no longer idealize these experiences, like a pill that would make me forget all that past. As expected, I would relapse again looking for that phase of feeling pure and confident again. That was when these 2 photos were taken (very happy and without lying much more than now, and much more being recovered) I had returned to weighing 85 pounds, and I did not feel it physically. I carried out my normal life as if nothing was happening. As I did not realize it, I fell back to a lower extreme (without any awareness) 75 pounds was the lowest weight that I have now reached.

I did not feel excessively bad physically either (EYE, MY OWN EXPERIENCE), but it is clear that it had gotten Hugely out of hand. After a few months I climbed to 95 pounds (own choice because of my increased low heart rate and blood pressure). At this time, I was leading the best life I had ever led. I consumed 2000 calories and all kinds of food, including tacos and chocolate in each of its versions. Towards a normal life in which having an eating disorder was one of the ideas that no longer fit in my head. I kept counting my calories and keeping track of everything, which obviously took me away from all those thoughts of the past. The rule is simple: "Control what you eat and Control will keep you confident in what you do." Knowing that nothing changed in me, I felt safe, fulfilled and very happy with that idea of "Sick" out of my head. I was just liberal and happiness was pouring out of my pores.

The Pandemic (2020) arrived and with this I stopped going to Gymnastics and I got a little depressed. I myself wanted to gain a little more up to 106 pounds due to the fact that the harassment was unbearable (something unfortunately very sad and worrisome) Wherever I went I attracted attention in a bad way, wherever I went I received insults and obscene words. Even Social Networks for me was a nightmare. They harassed me about Anorexic and wanting to encourage other girls to do the same. All that when I only led a normal life for my liking.

At 106 pounds, I was more or less escaping from this situation. I went away to the University to start my new life. I had a bad time and with it a bad experience. The quarantine made me lock myself in a room with no exit for 15 days. The food did not carry its respective labels, in addition to being highly processed and with junk that in my entire life I would never have consumed in that totality. (The treatment of the school was terrible, besides that I identified myself as Vegan to protect myself from foods that I would never or barely taste, I was not respected, and even insisting nothing change) I lost control, which made me realize how bad I was . School did not last long, I returned to my state in just 3 months, in which from 47 kilos I reached 57 of these. My ideas fell apart, I did not have that strength to protect me from all evil. Those traumatic ideas of the past returned and with these I felt a failure, but adding the fact that it was not my own initiative to get out of my sick situation.

With everything and this I want to say that an Eating Disorder goes beyond what the perspective makes us see. When I am almost 21 years old, I cannot overcome my traumas and the safest way to do so is by covering them in Anorexia. My case is very difficult to deal with and for this reason I return to being that old I of the past, we all deserve Happiness and I will therefore seek mine in one way or another. Nobody knows what goes on inside the mind of a sick person, so harassing and blaming someone for a disorder that is visible to you is in itself a void act of pure cowardice. For you who just want to try this sad world of Anorexia (or another eating disorder), I ask you please that it is not what it seems. Never try it for anything or anyone. A problem with food can be easily solved if you give yourself the courage to accept it and go to the doctor, however, these diseases as I said before go much further and must be treated for secondary factors and triggers. We seek to control our life, or heal all the wounds caused by covering them with an invisible and destructive force. This has been my own experience and opinion. Nice Day, and Take Care Precious. :)

Elisa Rodríguez, Leislanis Biderst

[the-dyslexic-blogger]

Thinner

Firstly wow just wow 2 blogs in 1 week that's an achievement(don't get used to it ill actually crack on with university stuff soon oops) thank you guys for all of the support I appreciate it. 

Anyways this one trigger warnings for eating disorders. Just be aware of this. 

    So this blog is going to be based off of my experience with my eating disorders (anorexia and bulimia) I've struggled with my body shape since I was about 8 when I was bullied by a kid in my street he used to call me an elephant he was my friend growing up, but he just woke up one day decided "hey actually I hate you and I'm going to torment you now add to your home life struggles so there you go, Enjoy the trauma!". I've always believed it that I was fat then anorexia came into my life to torment me from then on.( I wish I could have  told it to fuck off its an unwanted guest begone beast).  

  In the last blog, I mentioned about the bullying at school that also took effect on the way I looked at myself. 

I've never liked my body shape many times I look into the mirror see my ugly fat body and think of how disgusting I am and how I am overweight. I also think about how my friends are all thinner and look better than me and how beautiful all of them are then there is me with my fat and scarred body. 

  Every time I sit at the table and have an internal battle with myself. Anorexia looks over my me its boney fingers grip my solder. It growls in my ear "Your fat you don't deserve to eat have you seen yourself?" and" your friends are so much thinner than you do you really feel hungry? You can just not eat" and other stuff related to this you get the picture. The worst thing about all of this is I believe every word most the time. 

    Eating disorders are fucking horrific, and I've never had any professional help for it (was trying before lockdown with first steps but oh well going to try when the university is back into the swing again hopefully .)  

     I feel like I don't deserve to say I have eating disorders as I'm not skinny really so how can I?  

I say to myself a lot of the time that I'm too fat to have one because you can't see my ribs or anything, but this is not the case anyone with any body shape can have an eating disorder it doesn't have a name it doesn't choose its victims like 'oh that one's overweight let's not torment them for the rest of their lives. But on the other hand that one looks like they would have an eating disorder lets do it!'  

  The problem is the media makes the models on display like an object they always look sickly thin (some of them probably are minutes away from a hospital bed). It makes everyone feel shit about their body I mean, why do we need to fit in with individual lifestyles with thin bodies.  

  You can't be perfect in society these days no one can be it impossible in society's eyes anyway. There is a quote about perfection in the description of a song I like 'You are beautiful because your eyes are different sizes and your lisp gets in between your tongue and teeth every time you try to say "something". You are beautiful because the scar under your chin looks like a spider and because you have a massive fear of heights. You are beautiful because there has never been, nor will there ever be anyone else on this Earth like you. Because your flaws are like fingerprints and should be embraced just like the free will that resides inside. You are not beautiful because of the symmetry in the little squares on your telephone, you are beautiful because "you" are the only "you" this place will ever know.' 

This quote hit close to home its a lovely song called am I pretty by the Maine. 

  Anyways I got sidetracked(oops I do this a lot ) so continued, My eating disorder took over my whole life I was addicted to the feel of being hungry it felt good for a long while. I felt like if I got through a day with no food, it was a good day I would celebrate to myself I could quickly get away with it as my family. I never sat together to eat . I would be in my room, and I had a bin, so id throw it in that bin and take it out the next day. In the day I could get away with it as I was at school/college all day and could get away without eating no one in my friendship group noticed I wasn't having food. 

   I remember being so happy when I could do this, feeling so hungry felt painful as fuck. Still, my brain used to tell me its good to feel this way, And that I deserve it I deserve to feel hunger an all sorts of pain and I don't deserve to eat as I'm not worth that I felt so shit all the time. 

 I was losing weight, but the eating disorder didn't let me see this; it made me think that I was gaining it weight on I had no scales at home. Hence, I had no clue, At my grans house she had some, so I used to use them to see  I was pleased with the numbers slowly decreasing(I say if I loosing  what I mean is  if anorexia was.)I became anorexia at this point. I had no personality I was addicted to losing weight. 

    I always listened to the eating disorder which had its claws gripped around me breathing down my neck alongside the other demons in my head telling me to not eat as food is bad food=calories and calories would not help the weight loss. 

    When people forced me to eat like back at school/college, I'd just go to the nearest bathroom and throw it up to get rid of the numbers that would make me fat. It was all about controlling something in my life as my life felt like a train that had gone off the rails and was only heading to one destination, disaster. And food was the only thing I could control. 

  When you in the hole of mental health and eating disorders you cannot see what you're doing to others around you in college I hurt my friends a lot when I became the self-destructive monster I still am today. 

   I hurt them; I couldn't see how much I was hurting them in the darkness. I could not see any light in the hole, To be fair the only time I'd ever really had friends were back in the 2nd year of college, so I wasn't used to people caring about me.it was rough. 

There was one way to put it a YouTuber I know Emma blackery says "depression is like if you were to fall down a well and break your legs, you can either try climb out yourself or scream out for help" (off-topic sorry I keep doing that today ). 

   It's hard to talk about anorexia mostly as I'm not exactly what a typical anorexic looks like. I sometimes feel like people won't believe me. I can't get help for it because I'm not thin enough like the self-harm it becomes addiction. An addiction you can't stop it becomes apart of you and a part of you life and drags you down a dark hole only one escape death, but that isn't the only escape there are options other than this. 

 I can't say I've recovered from this like the self harm its still a struggle I hide it a lot.I don't talk about this issue much to people as like I have said I feel like I am not thin enough to have an eating disorder. I struggle a lot to eat I always feel so guilty after I eat a meal as I've added to my weight I really hate my body a lot, but I'm learning to love myself slowly. 

     The problem with anorexia is that even if you get to your goal weight, it still will not be thin enough to please the beast anorexia it will always crave attention you could be a skull. It would look at you say you're still not good enough for anyone you will never be loved your horrible body makes you very unlovable. 

  Even, now I'm sat in shorts and a short-sleeved shirt I'm looking at my legs thinking how I wish they were thinner I wish people in my life didn't make me eat so I could lose weight. Still, I know that is the anorexia talking to me. 

  Anorexia like the self-harm was the only things there for me in rough times. If I was coping with one, the other would be the problem I am faced with. So say I was 1 week clean from self-harming chances are ill be struggling with my eating it's a very rough vicious circle. Either way, I'm being self-destructive. It hurts me, and others but I can't just stop years and years of torturing myself In a day. 

I always felt so alone with this, I've never been able to open up about my eating disorders. I find it hard to talk about it. I just feel like not many people will understand me. 

Like I said before I think  Its about control, but mostly it's about damaging myself as I feel like I deserve it. I feel like I need to punish myself for the mistakes I've made in the past and how helpless I feel when I am trying to help people. I always feel so useless I blame myself when my friends hurt themselves, so I go and do it to myself as I wasn't good enough to help them I have a very very low option of myself. I will never forgive myself for what happened to my friend who passed away. 

  The way we look does not matter; it's hard to hear this, but it's going to be okay your body and how much you weigh does not define you as a person. Your personality  is what really matters I never judge people based on the way they look only on what's inside  

thanks for reading another looong blog thanks to all my supporters out there. 

  love ya Dino(The dyslexic blogger) xxx 

  p.s  

Here is BEAT there an eating disorders charity they help people with it thought id add a link to reach out to those who may need it stay strong your stronger than your eating disorder you can beat it: https://www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/support-services/helplines 

#mental health #eating disoder things #blog

[immortalpramheda]

Feed Movie Review

After watching After The Bone a few days ago, I've been looking forward to watching this to see how they compare. And I was very impressed with Feed. They both deal with similar topics, but in very different ways. I think I prefer Feed. It’s not as triggering. It doesn’t mention calories or excessive exercising, or show someone who is severely anorexic (which is something I found difficult to watch in TTB). This movie personified that voice in your head telling you not to eat and I’ve never seen that done this way in a movie before.

Olivia and Matt are twins and are inseparable. But after Matt dies, Olivia can’t handle it. She begins to see Matt and she tells her what to do and say, and when not to eat. She saves all her food to give to him. She thinks that in order to keep seeing him, she has to give all her food to him. She's restricting but she doesn’t realise she is.

That’s the thing about having an ED. There’s this voice in your head telling you to do things, and you believe that the voice knows whats best for you, so you listen to it. Olivia’s voice looked like her brother, and her brother always knew what was best for her. In her mind, she had to listen to that voice. Matt always looked out for her and she was convinced that the things he was telling her to do were right. But actually, the Matt she was seeing wasn’t him, it was the personification of her mental illness. She didn’t realise, but that voice made her start to unknowingly starve herself.

Even when she was put into an inpatient treatment centre, she kept seeing Matt. The doctors were telling her one thing, but her brother, the one person she could always count on, was telling her something different. It was an inner battle with herself. That’s exactly what an eating disorder is. You think this voice in your head is right, even though other people are telling you otherwise. It’s not easy to just stop listening to that voice. It is so hard to ignore it. This movie showed that struggle.

Only when she is told that she’ll die if she keeps this up does she start to fight that voice. But that is so hard for her. She found a way to see her brother again, and telling him that he is not her brother was so fucking hard for her to do. By restricting her food she could see him. It was the only way she could see him.

Olivia starts to recover, but recovery is a very long journey and this movie did not gloss that over at all. She’s started to eat and put on weight, and had a much healthier mindset. But when she went out for lunch she ordered a salad. She kept making excuses that she wasn’t very hungry or she’d already eaten. Which are typical excuses people with an ED will make.

And even though she was starting to recover, that voice came back. Even when you’re almost recovered, that voice can come back. Sometimes that voice doesn’t ever go away. Recovery isn’t easy. It’s a day to day struggle. Everytime you have to eat it’s a struggle. The movie didn’t have a happy ending, because ED’s usually don’t. It’s an ongoing struggle and you may not ever fully recover.

I related to this movie on so many levels. Having recovered from an ED, this movie got inside my head. It personified that voice that I heard. It showed the struggles of trying to fight it or tune it out. And it showed that sometimes when you’re restricting, you don’t realise you are. In your mentally ill mind you don't see anything wrong with what you’re doing.

I did not find this movie triggering to watch, but it was definitely confronting and challenging at times. It somehow managed to get into the head of someone with an ED and portray that on screen. It felt like something I’d gone through. It felt honest and real. I’ve never seen a movie that I’ve related to as much as this.

This is an important movie that will hopefully show people what going through an ED is really like. Thank you Troian for this story that you brought to life. Thank you for putting this out in the world.

#feed movie #troian bellisario #movie #tom felton #ed #movie review #feed #my text post

[consulting-celiac-in-the-tardis]

4 Reasons to Ditch Comparing Your Food Choices to Others' in 2017

New blog post! Just imagine: it's a Friday night and you're having dinner out on the town with your favorite girlfriends. You haven't seen each other since the holidays and have tons to catch up on, so you barely look at the menu before ordering your usual dish: a cheeseburger with sweet potato fries. Only, your bestie says, "I'll have a salad, dressing on the side. Making up for all those Christmas cookies!"

Suddenly, your burger doesn't sound that good - and you don't feel that great about yourself either. If this scenario sounds familiar, you aren't alone. The fact is, comparison seems to be in our blood. Various psychology experiments have found that when people see someone else with a possession, personality trait or wealth...they want it for themselves. One thing you should never compare? Your diet - the food, how often you eat and when you eat - with someone else's.

Not sure why? Here are four reasons why you should ditch comparing your food choices to others' - during New Year's resolution season and otherwise!

1. You don't know their medical chart or history.

Now if you have celiac disease or some of dietary restriction, you're probably used to fighting comparison to a certain extent. Even when you make your own "safe" pizza for movie night at home, your family's Papa Johns may still call your name. In fact, you may even be mistakenly praised for "having such restraint" by turning down cake at a birthday party - despite the fact that you're rejecting a double chocolate pastry to stay alive instead of skinny. Even as someone whose diet is often compared to other "normal" Americans', though, I can still find myself wondering if someone else's diet is more "right" than mine. January always invites an army of dieters, from fad gluten free eaters to people jumping on the Whole 30 train. Sometimes I wonder, "Would doing the Whole 30 help me? I've been eating more processed foods and sugar lately..."

Like lots of these cookies...

But then I remember: my stomach is doing pretty dang awesome, my weight still needs a boost and, honestly, I love baking. So why should I force myself to follow an even stricter diet than I already need to do - just because everyone else is? 

The truth is, everyone's body is different. Everyone has different foods that agree with them and different medical histories. A diabetic won't eat the same diet as a celiac. Neither would a recovering anorexic, nor someone with a deadly peanut allergy. 

If 2017 is the age of anything, I hope it's the age of "you do you" when it comes to diet. 

2. Different eating times work for different people. If you've ever read a health magazine or researched how to eat "healthily," you've probably heard the old cliche, "Don't eat anything after 8 o'clock." This myth claims that since you're the least active at night, that midnight snack will turn directly into a muffin top or extra fat. 

What a shocking concept!

You want to know a secret? Lately, I've been eating as late as 10 o'clock at night...and I haven't turned into Violet from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory yet! 

Some people thrive on eating five small meals spaced closer together. Others, like me, prefer three big meals with limited snacks. And others' diets change day to day...and all of this is A-OK. 

After all, we all get up and go to bed at different times. We have different jobs whose schedules often determine when we can take a food break. And we have different activity levels and times we enjoy breaking a sweat. Personally, I work out in the morning right after I get up - and I need the carbs I enjoyed the night before to fuel me through my fasted workout. 

Like lots of yoga!

When your eating schedule differs from others, eating can feel awkward at times. Sometimes, I feel self conscious munching away when the rest of my family already ate their last snack of the night. But there's nothing wrong with following the eating routine that works for your body. And if your night snack always ends the day on a deliciously sweet note? Well, that's just a bonus.

3. Taste preferences are just as individual as fingerprints. The differences between my roommates' and my preferred foods never failed to crack me up. Hannah loves anything spicy and never fails to add Sriracha to her Mac n' cheese and soup. Sarah can live off of nut butter (especially white chocolate peanut butter), though she used to endlessly snack on tofu. And Meghan wouldn't be the same without her popcorn. 

None of our diets are better than the other (though I will say I consume more veggies than the average college bear). And it makes no sense to compare our dinner to someone else's when our cravings are entirely different. Sure, maybe you ordered a burger on Friday night while your friend got a salad. But would you really want to spend $12 on a bunch of lettuce when what you really wanted was a fluffy gluten free bun? 

Sometimes only this will suffice!

Taste preferences also change - day to day and over longer periods of time. Some days, I may eat a paleo dinner like sweet potato salmon sliders. Other days, I may be craving my homemade vegan pizza. If you're going to compare your diet to anything, it should be to your past dietary habits...and even that can be an absurd practice if you've switched from one healthy diet to another. 4. Comparison will distract you from listening to what really matters: your own body.

When people hear that I eat gluten free (even when they don't know the reason), they often praise me for being "so healthy." Yet, I am just as vulnerable to culinary comparison as anyone else. I think that's one of the downfalls of being a perfectionist: even when we find a diet that works for us, we're still always looking for ways to improve. 

Add perfectionism with the influx of January dieting resolutions, and you have a recipe for disaster. 

But, this January, I have a different kind of food resolution. It's not to follow any "detox" or a strict diet plan. It's not even to change my weight (though a few added pounds would be appreciated in this freezing weather!). It's just to strip down eating to its roots: feeding my body what it calls for. 

More fuel for jumping into the New Year! ;)

That means eating when I'm hungry, not by the clock. Eating meat and plant based protein, not according to what I "should" enjoy but by what I'm craving. Most importantly, it means eating without shame or self-consciousness. Because who knows? I might need that burger just as much as you need those veggies. 

When January rolls into town, diet resolutions often tag along. While I'll always support people trying to transform their health - whether by losing weight, cutting out processed foods or adopting a new dietary lifestyle - their choices shouldn't negatively impact our own. 

After all, it's 2017. And, in my mind, there's no better resolution than an anti-resolution of owning our own body and food choices while ditching culinary comparison back in 2016. 

You are a complex, beautiful, strong, unique human being. Your diet should be just as individual...and just as free. 

Do you ever feel self conscious about your eating preferences or times? Do you have a food-related New Year's resolution this year? Tell me your thoughts!

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#Blogger #college #celiac #gluten free #coeliac #celiacs #paleo #primal #foodporn #foodart