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patrickrealstories · 4 years

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For a better understanding of the topic, let me give a vivid idea of how I can relate the abuses to what I can easily call domestic violence or more preferably intimate partner violence.

According to Wikipedia Domestic violence (also named domestic abuse or family violence) is violence or other abuse by one person against another in a domestic setting, such as in marriage or cohabitation. It may be termed intimate partner violence when committed by a spouse or partner in an intimate relationship against the other spouse or partner, and can take place in heterosexual or same-sex relationships, or between former spouses or partners. Domestic violence can also involve violence against children, parents, or the elderly.

INTERVIEW WITH FEMINIST/WRITER/ CHIMAMANDA NGOZI ADICHIE ON DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

For further reading here is the links to convince you:

https://www.compasspoint.org/blog/domestic-violence-and-shackles-single-story

Here are the questions that the interviewer ask her

Jennifer Chen Speckman – So what does this notion of a single story have to do with domestic violence?

FEMINIST Adichie Chimanmanda Ngozi– Domestic violence is what people aren’t talking about. News stories reference estranged spouses, “high-conflict marriages,” or “custody battles,” but never domestic violence. In the discussion of differing priorities—whether it be gun violence, opportunity youth, mental health, education, or child welfare—it is essential to comprehend why it is so uncomfortable to acknowledge the larger picture—the one where the complexity of a domestic violence dynamic operating in a single household can wreak such havoc in the world. Prescribing a single story to the situation creates comfort. We pretend we know how things stand for other people. Assigning space for multiple stories opens our eyes to oppression, systemic failures, and incredible human cruelty. People don’t want to think about it. However, research shows us that we cannot ignore it and we cannot afford to assign a single story.

Jennifer Chen Speckman – So where do we go from here and where do the solutions lie?

FEMINIST Adichie Chimanmanda Ngozi–

First, we must come to the table with openness and curiosity to find our client as a multi-faceted human being, a full picture of historical legacies, power dynamics, social norms, political forces, and personal perspectives.

The next step is to empower children, families, and adults to find the multitude of their personal narratives. Research conducted by Sara and Marshall Duke at Emory University shows that children who have a strong sense of family narrative demonstrate greater self-confidence and resilience than those without. (“The Stories that Bind Us,” New York Times). Historical contexts of oppression and resilience matter, and connection to those complexities result in empowerment. How are children to find their family narrative if their family is marginalized and shackled to a single story?

Finally, we must acknowledge that domestic violence exists in our society in part because of the oppression of the single story. The oppression of women and children has existed since the beginning of human history; not too long ago, women and children were considered property and what happened in the home was private. We cannot think that such oppression will be eradicated easily. The WDVN challenges the community to view domestic violence as a confluence of stories about power dynamics and oppression, permeating all elements of historic legacies, life, well-being, family, and community. We ask that members of the community reflect and support every child’s and parent’s right to exist beyond a single story. The ability to allow for many stories ultimately will foster a community which is strong and empowered in mind, body, and soul.

A PERSONAL INTERVIEW WITH SOMEONE WHO WAS ABUSED BY HER BOYFRIEND

NOTE- Her name was omitted base on personal and security reasons.

What did you love about him despite his toxicity?

HER ANSWER–

That was his imperfection, except that, dude was a great guy, he loved me a great deal but that his anger thing was what I couldn’t deal with, he was obsessed, I mean dude even fought men that looked at me, which was very bad.

There are so many things that makes one great in a relationship, he loved me with care, was scared to lose me thereby over protection.

One thing that turns me on in my relationship is when my partner trusts and owns me

It makes me fly, dammnit

I just couldn’t stand the toxic part, he became abusive, I couldn’t say hi to men, I couldn’t even talk/chat with men and he couldn’t stand me smiling and laughing with others while I frown at him, it makes him feel like he should kill me

Did you ever dig to find out what made him so possessive and insanely jealous?

HER ANSWER–

He doesn’t know, we talked about it, I wanted to help him but dude just says he loves me too much, doesn’t want to lose me bla bla bla and that wasn’t enough for me. He becomes a monster at the sight of me laughing with others. He starts hitting me and crying why I am doing this to him. Mehn, I had to run. He pleaded, tried so hard to get me back but I said Na, I am too beautiful to die because of your anger issue.

He’s still trying to get me back, he still thinks I will never find a man that loves me as much as he does Sadly for him, I think my bf loves me better now even when he’s a crack head(she laugh hysterically).

REASONS WHY SOME WOMEN ENDURE ABUSIVE MARRIGE

The following are the various reasons why most victims stay in an abusive relationship:

Attachment of Mrs. tag/marital status

low self-esteem and low self-worth

Embarrassment or shame

Keeping marital vows

Marriage as an achievement

Finances

societal pressure

Fear of being alone (extreme self-hate if you ask me)

Children

dysfunctional family/ broken home/Family

Cultural/religious reasons

ATTACHMENT OF MRS. TAG/MARITAL STATUS

Most women in the society feel much attachment to their marital status or the Mrs. Tag syndrome. They prefer to stay in the abusive marriage rather than leave and remain single thereby bearing “Miss”. They believe so much in the marital status and see it as a means of intimidating other women who are not married by showing off their ring on their finger.

Here is what a Nigeria feminist have to say about the frequent waving of rings by married and the so much attachment of the title “Mrs”.

REFERENCE 1(FROM HER BOOK)

According to a popular literature book “” WE SHOULD ALL BE FEMINIST “””

FEMINIST Adichie Chimanmanda Ngozi she says in her book:

“””””” I know an unmarried woman in Nigeria who, when she goes to conferences, wears a wedding ring because she wants her colleagues to—according to her—“give her respect.” The sadness in this is that a wedding ring will indeed automatically make her seem worthy of respect, while not wearing a wedding ring would make her easily dismissible —and this is in a modern workplace. “”””””

REFERENCE 2 (FROM HER BOOK)

According to a popular literature book “”” DEAR IJEAWELE OR A FEMINIST MANIFESTO IN FIFTEEN SUGGESTIONS “””

FEMINIST Adichie Chimanmanda Ngozi she says in her book:

From the seventh Suggestion

“””””” Mrs’ is a title I dislike because Nigerian society gives it too much value. I have observed too many cases of men and women who proudly speak of the title of Mrs as though those who are not Mrs have somehow failed at something. Mrs can be a choice, but to infuse it with as much value as our culture does is disturbing. The value we give to Mrs Means that marriage changes the social status of a woman but not that of a man. (Is that perhaps why many women complain of married men still ‘acting’ as though they were single? Perhaps if our society asked married men to change their names and take on a new title, different from Mr, their behaviour might change as well? Ha!)

But more seriously, if you, a twenty-eight-year-old master’s degree holder, go overnight from Ijeawele Eze to Mrs Ijeawele Udegbunam, surely it requires not just the mental energy of changing passports and licenses but also a psychic change, a new ‘becoming’? This new ‘becoming’ would not matter so much if men, too, had to undergo it.

I prefer Ms because it is similar to Mr. A man is Mr whether married or not, a woman is Ms whether married or not. So please teach Chizalum that in a truly just society, women should not be expected to make marriage-based changes that men are not expected to make. Here’s a nifty solution: each couple that marries should take on an entirely new surname, chosen however they want as long as both agree to it, so that a day after the wedding, both husband and wife can hold hands and joyfully journey off to the municipal offices to change their passports, driver’s licenses, signatures, initials, bank accounts, etc. “”””””

LOW SELF-ESTEEM AND LOW SELF-WORTH

When an abusive partner constantly puts someone down and blames them for the abuse, it can be easy for the victim to believe those statements and think that the abuse is their fault. Many women felt beaten down and of no value, the abusive partner made them believe that they are worthless and alone. Therefore they felt they have done something wrong and they deserved it.

EMBARRASSMENT OR SHAME

It’s often difficult for someone to admit that they’ve been abused. They may feel they’ve done something wrong by becoming involved with an abusive partner. They may also worry that their friends and family will judge them. One reason many victims hesitate to speak up is because they are afraid of being judged and pressured by friends and professionals. They in the process of the abuse they keep silent. Most of the abused partner is been threaten of their life.

Some women believe that there is heroism in enduring abusive marriage and the shame of telling people about it is what they don’t like, so many grew up seeing their own mothers hanging on to abusive marriages and most times still got to “outlive” their abusive fathers. So they have these saying in their mind “So if my mother survived my father, I can also survive my abusive husband”.

Here is what a Nigeria feminist have to say about shame concerning women. Am using the writeup about shame to talk about abuse women suffer and their reluctant attitude to speakup.

REFERENCE 1 (FROM HER BOOK)

According to a popular literature book “” WE SHOULD ALL BE FEMINIST “””

FEMINIST Adichie Chimanmanda Ngozi she says in her book:

“””””” We teach girls shame. We make them feel as though by being born female, they are already guilty of something. And so girls grow up to be women who cannot say they have desire. Who silence themselves. Who cannot say what they truly think. Who have turned pretence into an art form. “”””””

REFERENCE 2 (FROM HER BOOK)

According to a popular literature book “”” DEAR IJEAWELE OR A FEMINIST MANIFESTO IN FIFTEEN SUGGESTIONS “””

FEMINIST Adichie Chimanmanda Ngozi she says in her book:

From the eighth Suggestion

“””””” Encourage her to speak her mind, to say what she really thinks, to speak truthfully. And then praise her when she does. Praise her especially when she takes a stand that is difficult or unpopular because it happens to be her honest position. Tell her that if anything ever makes her uncomfortable, to speak up, to say it, to shout. “”””””

KEEPING MARITAL VOWS

In as much as the man is wrong for beating his wife. The woman still stand on what she vowed for at the altar. Some women be enduring their marriage instead of enjoying their marriage. This is what you get when you marry a man that is not ready instead of marrying a man that truly love you. So the women hold unto these marital vow. They prefer to die in the abusive marriage than quite.

To make my point clear about this, here is what a Nigeria feminist have to say about how some women use these marital in defence of abusive marriage.

REFERENCE 1 (FROM HER BOOK)

According to a popular literature book “” WE SHOULD ALL BE FEMINIST “””

FEMINIST Adichie Chimanmanda Ngozi she says in her book:

“””””” We use the word respect for something a woman shows a man but often not for something a man shows a woman. Both men and women will say: “I did it for peace in my marriage.” When men say it, it is usually about something they should not be doing anyway.

Something they say to their friends in a fondly exasperated way, something that ultimately proves to them their masculinity—“Oh, my wife said I can’t go to clubs every night, so now, for peace in my marriage, I go only on weekends.”

When women say “I did it for peace in my marriage,” it is usually because they have given up a job, a career goal, a dream. We teach females that in relationships, compromise is what a woman is more likely to do. “”””””

MARRIAGE AS AN ACHIEVEMENT

Here most women who have place there whole life in marriage, see it as an achievement. So leaving it seems odd. There hope, faith and believe are there. It is precisely because most women see marriage as a life-retirement package and would like to remain in it so far it’s an achievement to them, rather than terminate it and become single all over again.

Here is what a Nigeria feminist have to say about neglecting the idea of marriage as an achievement;

REFERENCE 1 (FROM HER BOOK)

According to a popular literature book “”” DEAR IJEAWELE OR A FEMINIST MANIFESTO IN FIFTEEN SUGGESTIONS “””

FEMINIST Adichie Chimanmanda Ngozi she says in her book:

From the seventh Suggestion

“””””” Never speak of marriage as an achievement. Find ways to make clear to her that marriage is not an achievement, nor is it what she should aspire to. A marriage can be happy or unhappy, but it is not an achievement. “”””””””

REFERENCE 2 (FROM HER BOOK)

According to a popular literature book “”” DEAR IJEAWELE OR A FEMINIST MANIFESTO IN FIFTEEN SUGGESTIONS “””

FEMINIST Adichie Chimanmanda Ngozi she says in her book:

From the seventh Suggestion

“””””” We condition girls to aspire to marriage and we do not condition boys to aspire to marriage, and so there is already a terrible imbalance at the start. The girls will grow up to be women preoccupied with marriage. The boys will grow up to be men who are not preoccupied with marriage. The women marry those men. The relationship is automatically uneven because the institution matters more to one than the other. Is it any wonder that, in so many marriages, women sacrifice more, at a loss to themselves, because they have to constantly maintain an uneven exchange? One consequence of this imbalance is the very shabby and very familiar phenomenon of two women publicly fighting over a man, while the man remains silent. “”””””

REFERENCE 3 (FROM HER BOOK)

According to a popular literature book “” WE SHOULD ALL BE FEMINIST “””

FEMINIST Adichie Chimanmanda Ngozi she says in her book:

“”””” We also need to question the idea of marriage as a prize to women, because that is the basis of these absurd debates. If we stop conditioning women to see marriage as a prize, then we would have fewer debates about a wife needing to cook in order to earn that prize. It is interesting to me how early the world starts to invent gender roles.””””””

REFERENCE 4 (FROM HER BOOK)

According to a popular literature book “” WE SHOULD ALL BE FEMINIST “””

FEMINIST Adichie Chimanmanda Ngozi she says in her book:

Because I am female, I’m expected to aspire to marriage. I am expected to make my life choices always keeping in mind that marriage is the most important. Marriage can be a good thing, a source of joy, love, and mutual support. But why do we teach girls to aspire to marriage, but we don’t teach boys to do the same?

REFERENCE 5 (FROM HER BOOK)

According to a popular literature book “” WE SHOULD ALL BE FEMINIST “””

FEMINIST Adichie Chimanmanda Ngozi she says in her book:

“”””” I know young women who are under so much pressure—from family, from friends, even from work—to get married that they are pushed to make terrible choices. Our society teaches a woman at a certain age who is unmarried to see it as a deep personal failure. Even the language we use illustrates this. The language of marriage is often a language of ownership, not a language of partnership. “””””

REFERENCE 6 (FROM HER BOOK)

According to a popular literature book “”” DEAR IJEAWELE OR A FEMINIST MANIFESTO IN FIFTEEN SUGGESTIONS “””

FEMINIST Adichie Chimanmanda Ngozi she says in her book:

From the thirteen Suggestion

“”””” And speaking of women lamenting about men who ‘promise’ marriage and then disappear – isn’t it odd that in most societies in the world today, women generally cannot propose marriage? Marriage is such a major step in your life and yet you cannot take charge of it; it depends on a man asking you. So many women are in long-term relationships and want to get married but have to wait for the man to propose – and often this waiting becomes a performance, sometimes unconscious and sometimes not, of marriage-worthiness. If we apply the first Feminism Tool here, then it makes no sense that a woman who matters equally has to wait for somebody else to initiate what will be a major life change for her.

It goes back, I think, to that early conditioning. At a recent baby’s baptism ceremony, guests were asked to write their wishes for the baby girl. One guest wrote: ‘I wish for you a good husband.’ Well-intentioned but very troubling. A three-month-old baby girl already being told that a husband is something to aspire to. Had the baby been a boy, it would not have occurred to that guest to wish for him ‘a good wife’. “””””””

REFERENCE 7 (FROM HER BOOK)

According to a popular literature book “”” DEAR IJEAWELE OR A FEMINIST MANIFESTO IN FIFTEEN SUGGESTIONS “””

FEMINIST Adichie Chimanmanda Ngozi she says in her book:

From the sixth suggestion

“””” Don’t you know you are old enough to find a husband?’ I used to say that often. But now I choose not to. I say, ‘You are old enough to find a job.’ Because I do not believe that marriage is something we should teach young girls to aspire to. “”””

REFERENCE 8 (FROM HER BOOK)

According to a popular literature book “” WE SHOULD ALL BE FEMINIST “””

FEMINIST Adichie Chimanmanda Ngozi she says in her book:

“””””” I know young women who are under so much pressure—from family, from friends, even from work—to get married that they are pushed to make terrible choices. Our society teaches a woman at a certain age who is unmarried to see it as a deep personal failure. “”””””

FINANCES

Since many of them are financially dependent, they rather stay put and take the abuse in good faith rather than expose themselves and their children to an uncharted life with great uncertainties.

Financial abuse is common, and a victim may be financially dependent on their abusive partner. Without money, access to resources or even a place to go, it can seem impossible for them to leave the relationship. This feeling of helplessness can be especially strong if the person lives with their abusive partner.

Imagine the wife is not dependent on her husband for money, when such abuse come up, she can gut off the marriage at any time. So women who depend much on their husband experience some kind of financial abuse, therefore cutting off is impossible. So women who stay in such abusive marriage has bestowed their full hope on the money aspect in the marriage, so leaving the marriage seems difficult.

Here is what a Nigeria feminist have to say about money.

NOTE-The reference here does not really take up on reason why women stay in marriage but am doing a reference here pertaining to the idea of money in marriage.

REFERENCE 1 (FROM HER BOOK)

According to a popular literature book “”” DEAR IJEAWELE OR A FEMINIST MANIFESTO IN FIFTEEN SUGGESTIONS “””

FEMINIST Adichie Chimanmanda Ngozi she says in her book:

From the thirteen Suggestion

“””” I want to say something about money here. Teach her never ever to say such nonsense as ‘my money is my money and his money is our money’. It is vile. And dangerous – to have that attitude means that you must potentially accept other harmful ideas as well. Teach her that it is NOT a man’s role to provide. In a healthy relationship, it is the role of whoever can provide to provide. “”””

REFERENCE 2 (FROM HER BOOK)

According to a popular literature book “”” WE SHOULD ALL BE FEMINIST “””

FEMINIST Adichie Chimanmanda Ngozi she says in her book:

“””” In secondary school, a boy and a girl go out, both of them teenagers with meager pocket money. Yet the boy is expected to pay the bills, always, to prove his masculinity. (And we wonder why boys are more likely to steal money from their parents.) What if both boys and girls were raised not to link masculinity and money? What if their attitude was not “the boy has to pay,” but rather, “whoever has more should pay.””””

REFERENCE 3 (FROM HER BOOK)

According to a popular literature book “”” DEAR IJEAWELE OR A FEMINIST MANIFESTO IN FIFTEEN SUGGESTIONS “””

FEMINIST Adichie Chimanmanda Ngozi she says in her book:

From the nineteen Suggestion

“”””””Igbo culture also focuses a little too much on materialism, and while money is important – because money means self-reliance – you must not value people based on who has money and who does not.’ “”””””

REFERENCE 4 (FROM HER BOOK)

According to a popular literature book “”” WE SHOULD ALL BE FEMINIST “””

FEMINIST Adichie Chimanmanda Ngozi she says in her book:

“”””” In secondary school, a boy and a girl go out, both of them teenagers with meager pocket money. Yet the boy is expected to pay the bills, always, to prove his masculinity. (And we wonder why boys are more likely to steal money from their parents.) What if both boys and girls were raised not to link masculinity and money? What if their attitude was not “the boy has to pay,” but rather, “whoever has more should pay.” Of course, because of their historical advantage, it is mostly men who will have more today. But if we start raising children differently, then in fifty years, in a hundred years, boys will no longer have the pressure of proving their masculinity by material means. But by far the worst thing we do to males—by making them feel they have to be hard —is that we leave them with very fragile egos. The harder a man feels compelled to be, the weaker his ego is. “”””

SOCIETAL PRESSURE

The society has a vivid and unpleasant view of women of certain age bracket and divorcee, especially if they are women. For example, once a lady gets married, no one expects her to return to her father’s house, not even her family members. Therefore its means her enduring life-threatening abuses from her abusive husband.

Here is what a Nigeria feminist have to say about society pressure on unmarried women and the society sees them as a different person.

REFERENCE 1 (FROM HER BOOK)

According to a popular literature book “” WE SHOULD ALL BE FEMINIST “””

FEMINIST Adichie Chimanmanda Ngozi she says in her book:

FEAR OF BEING ALONE (EXTREME SELF-HATE IF YOU ASK ME)-

Here the person may be afraid of what will happen if they decide to leave the relationship/marriage. The threat of bodily and emotional harm is powerful, and abusers use this to control and keep women trapped. Female victims of violence are much more likely than male victims to be terrorized and traumatized.

Attempting to leave an abuser is dangerous. Some women felt trapped because of their husbands’ threats of hunting them down and harming all their loved ones including the kids.

CHILDREN-

These women also put their children first, sacrificing their own safety. And they valued their children lives more than their own. The thought that they can’t earn to take care of self and the children.- Any woman who hangs on to an abusive marriage with the excuse that she is still there because of her children is living in self-denial as she is using the children as a cover up for her fear of leaving “the comfort zone”.

Again most of these women who don’t leave abusive marriage think the abuse may be lay down on their children, so they prefer to stay to avoid such. In some culture, when she leaves the children belongs to the man automatically.

Here is what a Nigeria feminist have to say about children possession in bad marriage. Here am relating it to abusive marriage.

REFERENCE 1 (FROM HER BOOK)

According to a popular literature book “”” DEAR IJEAWELE OR A FEMINIST MANIFESTO IN FIFTEEN SUGGESTIONS “””

FEMINIST Adichie Chimanmanda Ngozi she says in her book:

From the nineteen Suggestion

“””””” Teach her to question our culture’s selective use of biology as ‘reasons’ for social norms. I know a Yoruba woman, married to an Igbo man, who was pregnant with her first child and was thinking of first names for the child. All the names were Igbo. Shouldn’t her children have Yoruba first names since they would have their father’s Igbo surname? I asked, and she said, ‘A child first belongs to the father. It has to be that way.’ We often use biology to explain the privileges that men have, the most common reason being men’s physical superiority.

It is of course true that men are in general physically stronger than women. But if we truly depended on biology as the root of social norms, then children would be identified as their mother’s rather than their father’s because when a child is born, the parent we are biologically – and incontrovertibly – certain of is the mother. We assume the father is who the mother says the father is. How many lineages all over the world are not biological, I wonder?

For many Igbo women, the conditioning is so complete that women think of children only as the father’s. I know of women who have left bad marriages but not been ‘allowed’ to take their children or even to see their children because the children belong to the man. “”””””

REFERENCE 2 (FROM HER BOOK)

According to a popular literature book “” WE SHOULD ALL BE FEMINIST “””

FEMINIST Adichie Chimanmanda Ngozi she says in her book:

“”””” When women say “I did it for peace in my marriage,” it is usually because they have given up a job, a career goal, a dream. “”””

REFERENCE 3 (FROM HER BOOK)

According to a popular literature book “” WE SHOULD ALL BE FEMINIST “””

FEMINIST Adichie Chimanmanda Ngozi she says in her book:

DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY/ BROKEN HOME/BROKEN FAMILY

A dysfunctional family is a fertile ground to raise children who would have a higher chance of growing up into damaged adults and the sad circle continues.

Toxic background (grew up in an abusive or with negligent parents, basically they feel they have nowhere to run to).

A broken home is not only where one of the parent is no longer in the daily life of the spouse and the child(ren) between them but also where both parents are under the same roof but toxic is the atmosphere in the home.

People who are born into abusive homes will most likely subconsciously tilt towards abusive partners. When a child grows up seeing dad and mum fight, or mum been beaten up, they watch mum cry and struggle, they believe that in relationships it is normal to cry and struggle too.

When they speak to their crying mum, she may say daddy loves us, it’s my fault for not cooking the food well, or it’s my fault I was rude. They then adapt to this notion and begin to reason in like manner.

They learn at a tender age that this is what marriage is or this is what love is. Some believe if their partner is not beating them or if their partner is not abusive, they don’t really love them.

They then marry abusers and of course the cycle continues. Their own interpretation of marriage is that beating and abuse is normal so why should they leave? Their mothers stayed so why should they leave?

CULTURAL/RELIGIOUS REASONS-

Traditional gender roles supported by someone’s culture or religion may influence them to stay rather than end the relationship for fear of bringing shame upon their family. Most culture support abuse in marriage. Religious also is another reason why they stay because instead of bringing shame to their religious they prefer to stay in the abusive marriage/relationship.

PROVE 1(FROM HER BOOK)

According to a popular literature book “”” WE SHOULD ALL BE FEMINIST “””

FEMINIST Adichie Chimanmanda Ngozi she says in her book:

“”””” Some people will say a woman is subordinate to men because it’s our culture. But culture is constantly changing. I have beautiful twin nieces who are fifteen. If they had been born a hundred years ago, they would have been taken away and killed. Because a hundred years ago, Igbo culture considered the birth of twins to be an evil omen. Today that practice is unimaginable to all Igbo people.

What is the point of culture? Culture functions ultimately to ensure the preservation and continuity of a people. In my family, I am the child who is most interested in the story of who we are, in ancestral lands, in our tradition. My brothers are not as interested as I am. But I cannot participate, because Igbo culture privileges men and only the male members of the extended family can attend the meetings where major family decisions are taken. So although I am the one who is most interested in these things, I cannot attend the meeting. I cannot have a formal say. Because I am female. Culture does not make people. People make culture. If it is true that the full humanity of women is not our culture, then we can and must make it our culture. “””””

WHY DO WOMEN ENDURE ABUSIVE MARRIAGE? For a better understanding of the topic, let me give a vivid idea of how I can relate the abuses to what I can easily call domestic violence or more preferably intimate partner violence.

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thewebofslime · 5 years

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A former Roman Catholic priest who was defrocked and convicted of molesting two boys in New Jersey has found a new vocation in a new location — teaching children English at a private school in this resort town. The former priest, Hadmels DeFrias, 47, told the NBC News reporter who tracked him down that he is no longer a threat to minors and also claimed to be a bishop in the "progressive Celtic church." "I don't see the children with those eyes anymore," DeFrias said in an extensive interview outside the Colegio del Caribe school in Punta Cana, where he watched over dozens of young boys and girls while shielding himself from the sun with an umbrella. “For me they are children and they need to be treated like children because that is what they are,” he said. “I don’t feel the attraction. I am not telling you that maybe someday it won’t be there, because I can’t predict the future.” As a priest, DeFrias, who is originally from the Dominican Republic, was assigned to the St. Mary of the Assumption Church in Elizabeth, New Jersey, when he was accused of fondling two brothers, both under 14, in 2001 and 2002 while the brothers were working in the church rectory, according to court records and published reports. Charged with criminal sexual contact, DeFrias pleaded guilty in August 2004 and was sentenced to three years of probation, court records show. As part of his sentencing agreement, he was barred indefinitely from any future contact with children under 18 in the state of New Jersey. After being contacted by NBC News, the Union County Prosecutor’s Office in New Jersey issued a statement disapproving of DeFrias' position working with children. “It is deeply concerning to hear that a defendant prosecuted, convicted and sentenced here for criminal sexual contact with children has resurfaced overseas, apparently with supervisory capacity over children,” the office said. “We would urge anyone in any jurisdiction to be vigilant and immediately report allegations of such conduct to local authorities.” NBC News has reached out to both the Dominican Republic educational officials and the school where DeFrias is employed to find out if they were aware of his criminal past. So far, neither has responded. In the interview, DeFrias expressed regret for assaulting the brothers but insisted that his urges are under control and that he has been in therapy for a decade. He said he told school officials about his criminal past before they hired him, even though he claims he didn’t need to “inform them.” The Colegio del Caribe private school where Hadmels DeFrias teaches English to children in Punta Cana, Dominican Republic.Evelyn Gruber / NBC News “What they have to know is if I committed a crime in the country, which I haven’t,” DeFrias said, referring to the Dominican Republic. “So when I presented my criminal background here, it’s clean. So they don’t even have to be aware of what happened in the States.” The ex-priest said that he has a teaching assistant in the classroom with him so he’s never alone with his young charges, and that the classroom has no doors. Asked if he regrets what he did, DeFrias said, “I never meant for it to happen.” “It is something that is always present and will always be present in my life,” he said. “If I let it go then it’s like forgetting the Holocaust. Then we are letting ourselves open for the possibility that it may happen again.” Should parents be concerned that he is teaching their kids? “Perhaps they might be,” DeFrias said. “That is normal behavior.” DeFrias’ name resurfaced last month when Cardinal Joseph Tobin, the archbishop of Newark, New Jersey, released a list of more than 60 priests dating to 1940 who had been “credibly accused of sexual abuse of minors.” DeFrias was one of just a handful of Roman Catholic priests who had been criminally prosecuted for sexually abusing children. “That is definitely the same person,” said John Esmerado, an assistant prosecutor in the Union County Prosecutor’s Office, who led the case against DeFrias in 2003. Esmerado was shown a photo of DeFrias dressed in a habit that appears on the website of his new church, the Iglesia Anglicana de Rito Celta Dominicana del Caribe. “The same eyes, the same face,” Esmerado said. “It’s him, 16 years later.” Maria Margiotta, spokeswoman for the Archdiocese of Newark, said the diocese lost track of DeFrias years ago. “Fr. Hadmels DeFrias was permanently removed from ministry and all ties with the Archdiocese of Newark were permanently severed when he was laicized by the Vatican at our request,” Margiotta said in an email. “We’ve had no contact or involvement with any of his actions after he was laicized.” And by laicized, Margiotta means DeFrias “is barred from all priestly ministry.” DeFrias told NBC News he was not aware that the archdiocese had posted his name. “I think it’s a good thing because the church needs to be honest,” he said. “We cannot pretend it never happened. It happened. “ DeFrias said he has been diagnosed with ephebophilia, which according to a 2004 report commissioned by the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops and known as the John Jay Report, means a sexual attraction to adolescents. DeFrias said he succumbed to temptation due to a “combination of depression and not having proper sexual education.” “Because that’s not what happens in the church,” he said. “I mean, you are put in a role that you are in charge of so many things and you have to abstain from sexual stuff, but they don’t teach you how to manage it. Now they are beginning to work with it.” DeFrias was born in the Dominican Republic. He received a bachelor’s degree in religious studies from Seton Hall University in 1995, according to Laurie Pine, spokeswoman for the school in South Orange, New Jersey. Four years later, in 1999, DeFrias was ordained a Roman Catholic priest, according to church officials. After his ouster from the priesthood, DeFrias was the owner of B&D Autobody, in West New York, New Jersey, for seven years, according to his LinkedIn page. Then from March 2011 to March 2012, DeFrias worked as a telemarketer — something he also told an NBC News reporter. But DeFrias apparently never left the religion business. In an online profile on the business-networking site Zintro that went up in February 2013, DeFrias referred to himself as a “Reverend” as well as a “Wedding Officiant, Management, Spiritual Counseling, Customer Service.” “An ordained minister holding theological degrees from Seton Hall University that includes Scripture and Pastoral Counseling,” the profile says. “Have work (sic) in mental health and as online marketing executive. Now I am affiliated with a non-denominational church in a wedding ministry.” A Zintro spokesman said that DeFrias has not visited the page since it went up and would be removed due to his criminal history. From June 2012 to March 2013, DeFrias lived in Largo, Florida, according to available records. On his LinkedIn page, DeFrias described himself as a minister with “American Marrige (sic) Ministries” beginning in January 2013. “Service the community by performing marriages, funerals and other religious services. All inclusive ministering to all including the LGBT community,” it reads. Sometime after that, DeFrias was back home in the Dominican Republic. And in 2017, he started a local chapter of an interfaith group called The Order of Eremitic Servants, according to Archabbot Bjorn, who manages the OES chapter in Idaho. The OES, according to its website, is “an interfaith monastic community of men and women whose primary purpose is to alleviate the suffering caused by religious intolerance and to promote peace and understanding in the local and global community through interfaith dialogue and charitable acts.” It has chapters in North Carolina and Canada as well. On the group's Facebook page, DeFrias goes by Father Rafael and is listed as the "Prior for the Dominican Republic." Bjorn, who goes by Father Archabbot, was surprised to hear of DeFrias' past. “I was not aware he was a convicted child molester,” he said, when informed of DeFrias’ past by NBC News. Asked whether this could affect DeFrias’ standing in the order, Bjorn declined to comment. Starting in February 2018, according to his LinkedIn page, DeFrias began teaching English in Punta Cana, a sun-splashed tourist mecca of about 50,000 that is famous for its beaches. DeFrias also described himself as “a priest with the Progressive Celtic Church, an independent catholic jurisdiction within the Anglican tradition of churches.” “I am currently working on setting up a Celtic Mission in the Dominican Republic. As Celtics we view things from a different perspective than mainline churches,” he wrote on his LinkedIn page. “We follow Pelagian and not Augustinian thought where there is not original sin, but original blessing. God wants all to be saved, thus every religion can lead to salvation.“ DeFrias, in his interview with NBC News, said his new church is an offshoot of the Anglican Church. The Anglicans disagree. “They are not part of the Anglican Church in North America, nor are they affiliated with the Global Anglican Future Conference,” said the Rev. Canon Andrew Gross, a spokesman for the Anglican Church in North America. On its website, DeFrias’ church says it is associated with another Celtic Anglican church in Syracuse, New York. But NBC News could not locate any such church in Syracuse. "I've never heard of the Celtic Anglican church," said Meredith Kadet Sanderson, a spokeswoman for the Episcopal Diocese of Central New York. NBC News also reached out by email to the Progressive Celtic Church website, which lists a Most Reverend Metropolitan Archbishop Alban Mason Kirk as its Syracuse representative. There was no response. Using the address on DeFrias’ church website, an NBC News reporter also tried and failed to locate a Sunday service in the Dominican Republic. A local guide said there are a number of religious groups in the area that don’t have a sanctuary and that hold services in public parks and other facilities. On the church’s website, there are photos of children and their families participating in services as well as a photo of DeFrias dressed in a brown habit. DeFrias said he misses being a Roman Catholic priest. “I miss it because I don’t even celebrate the Eucharist anymore,” he said. “I mean, I am a bishop in the (Celtic) church. I’m elected bishop but it’s just a role to direct other priests.” “I don’t like speaking in terms of what I lost because I think the children lost more,” he added. “But I lost most of my life. When you are trained as a priest you were trained as a priest and nothing else.” DeFrias said he wound up teaching kids because he needed a job and “probably by next year I will not be here.” Asked about his plans, DeFrias said, “it’s going to be in real estate.” “We are opening a company related to real estate so it’s not going to be kids,” he said. “I do want to work in education somehow. But it doesn’t necessarily have to be with children. I want to work with training teachers.” Boston attorney Mitchell Garabedian, whose efforts to expose pedophile priests were dramatized in the Oscar-winning movie “Spotlight,” said the Catholic Church has a history of washing its hands of problem clergymen and he’s not surprised the Newark Archdiocese was not keeping tabs on DeFrias. “Just because a priest is publicly named as a pedophile doesn’t mean they keep a close eye on them afterward,” Garabedian said. “If the Catholic Church defrocks a priest, they don’t keep track of that priest, and that is a calculated move. They don’t want to know him."

#TheWebOfSlime

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romeyramshey · 5 years

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Marrige hall in Lucknow

Find best outdoor caterers in Lucknow for marriages parties. We are offering Conference Hall in Lucknow, best Banquet Halls in Lucknow,We have a large banquet hall where we arrange events, meetings, and elaborate wedding celebrations Read the full article

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cateringcreations13-blog · 6 years

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Omaha Catering Service

We are specialist in wedding planner, catering service provider, we have many years of experience in catering services and organizing marrige, events, birthday parties, house warming functions and other partires marrige caterers, and party organizers and have vast experience in this field.

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franceslianagroup1-blog · 6 years

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Same Sex Marriage

Lowela D. Gatmaitan

ArticleText

Philippine President Rodrigo Duterte on Monday reversed a campaign promise to push for legalization of same-sex marriage. “That [same-sex marriage] won’t work for us. We’re Catholics,” he said in a speech before the Filipino community in Burma. “And there’s the Civil Code, which says that [a man] can only marry a woman.”During last year’s presidential election campaign, Duterte said he was open to the idea. “If [draft same-sex marriage legislation] reaches me in whatever capacity, I'll consider it,” Duterte said in February 2016. The remark boosted Duterte’s popularity in the lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender (LGBT) community and gave credibility to his image as a politician respectful of LGBT rights. Pantaleon Alvarez, the speaker of the House of Representatives and a close Duterte ally, responded by promising to support same-sex marriage legislation. Critics quickly denounced the president’s turnaround. A Filipino LGBT activist decried the flip-flop as a blow to the LGBT community’s efforts to establish a legal foundation for “property rights and even in caring for children both parties decide to adopt.” While same-sex “holy unions“ do occur in the Philippines, they are not legally recognized under marriage laws, forcing couples to resort to legal instruments including “special power of attorney” documents to provide their relationships a modicum of legal protection. Duterte’s reversal is not just about campaign promises – it jeopardizes the fundamental rights of LGBT partners and families. Allowing same-sex marriage would enable gays and lesbians in the Philippines to marry the person they love and would strengthen everyone’s rights. From a human rights perspective, broadening civil marriage to couples of the same sex demonstrates respect for the fundamental rights of equality and nondiscrimination. It should be enshrined in Philippine law. The Philippines should join countries including the United States, South Africa, Brazil, Colombia, Argentina, Uruguay, New Zealand, Netherlands, Belgium, Spain, Portugal, Sweden, and Ireland, all of which have enshrined marriage equality in their laws. In Asia, lawmakers in Taiwan are mulling a draft law that would legalize same-sex marriage. Duterte’s backtracking is easily remedied. He and his government should demonstrate the political will to push through legislation to protect the rights of the country’s LGBT population, starting with same-sex marriage.

Authors of the text:

Carlos H. Conde

Title of Journal/Publication:

Same Sex Marrige

URL or WEB ADDRESS:

https://www.hrw.org/news/2017/03/20/philippines-should-adopt-same-sex-marriage

Main Idea:

Adopting same sex marrige in the Philippines.

Evidence that supports main idea:

The Philippines should join countries including the United States, South Africa, Brazil, Colombia, Argentina, Uruguay, New Zealand, Netherlands, Belgium, Spain, Portugal, Sweden, and Ireland, all of which have enshrined marriage equality in their laws.

Precious De Jesus

Article Text

Marriage is both ubiquitous and central. All across our country, in every region, every social class, every race and ethnicity, every religion or non-religion, people get married. For many if not most people, moreover, marriage is not a trivial matter. It is a key to the pursuit of happiness, something people aspire to—and keep aspiring to, again and again, even when their experience has been far from happy. To be told “You cannot get married” is thus to be excluded from one of the defining rituals of the American life cycle.The keys to the kingdom of the married might have been held only by private citizens—religious bodies and their leaders, families, other parts of civil society. So it has been in many societies throughout history. In the United States, however, as in most modern nations, government holds those keys. Even if people have been married by their church or religious group, they are not married in the sense that really counts for social and political purposes unless they have been granted a marriage license by the state. Unlike private actors, however, the state doesn’t have complete freedom to decide who may and may not marry. The state’s involvement raises fundamental issues about equality of political and civic standing.Same-sex marriage is currently one of the most divisive political issues in our nation. In November 2008, Californians passed Proposition 8, a referendum that removed the right to marry from same-sex couples who had been granted that right by the courts. This result has been seen by the same-sex community as deeply degrading. More recently, Iowa and Vermont have legalized same-sex marriage, the former through judicial interpretation of the state constitution, the latter through legislation. Analyzing this issue will help us understand what is happening in our country, and where we might go from here.Before we approach the issue of same-sex marriage, we must define marriage. But marriage, it soon becomes evident, is no single thing. It is plural in both content and meaning. The institution of marriage houses and supports several distinct aspects of human life: sexual relations, friendship and companionship, love, conversation, procreation and child-rearing, mutual responsibility. Marriages can exist without each of these. (We have always granted marriage licenses to sterile people, people too old to have children, irresponsible people, and people incapable of love and friendship. Impotence, lack of interest in sex, and refusal to allow intercourse may count as grounds for divorce, but they don’t preclude marriage.) Marriages can exist even in cases where none of these is present, though such marriages are probably unhappy. Each of these important aspects of human life, in turn, can exist outside of marriage, and they can even exist all together outside of marriage, as is evident from the fact that many unmarried couples live lives of intimacy, friendship, and mutual responsibility, and have and raise children. Nonetheless, when people ask themselves what the content of marriage is, they typically think of this cluster of things.Nor is the meaning of marriage single. Marriage has, first, a civil rights aspect. Married people get a lot of government benefits that the unmarried usually do not get: favorable treatment in tax, inheritance, and insurance status; immigration rights; rights in adoption and custody; decisional and visitation rights in health care and burial; the spousal privilege exemption when giving testimony in court; and yet others.Marriage has, second, an expressive aspect. When people get married, they typically make a statement of love and commitment in front of witnesses. Most people who get married view that statement as a very important part of their lives. Being able to make it, and to make it freely (not under duress) is taken to be definitive of adult human freedom. The statement made by the marrying couple is usually seen as involving an answering statement on the part of society: we declare our love and commitment, and society, in response, recognizes and dignifies that commitment.Marriage has, finally, a religious aspect. For many people, a marriage is not complete unless it has been solemnized by the relevant authorities in their religion, according to the rules of the religion.Government plays a key role in all three aspects of marriage. It confers and administers benefits. It seems, at least, to operate as an agent of recognition or the granting of dignity. And it forms alliances with religious bodies. Clergy are always among those entitled to perform legally binding marriages. Religions may refuse to marry people who are eligible for state marriage and they may also agree to marry people who are ineligible for state marriage. But much of the officially sanctioned marrying currently done in the United States is done on religious premises by religious personnel.

Title of the Text:

A Right to Marry? Same-sex Marriage and Constitutional Law

Author/s of the Text:

Martha Nussbaum

Title of Journal/ Publication:

DISSENT (Spring 2018)

URL or web address:

https://www.dissentmagazine.org/article/a-right-to-marry-same-sex-marriage-and-constitutional-law

Main Idea:

Same-sex marriage is currently one of the most divisive political issues in our nation. Analyzing this issue will help us understand what is happening in our country, and where we might go from here.

Evidence that supports the main idea

( provide at least two): Before we approach the issue of same-sex marriage, we must define marriage. Marriage has, first, a civil rights aspect. Marriage has, second, an expressive aspect. Marriage has, finally, a religious aspect

Government plays a key role in all three aspects of marriage. It confers and administers benefits. It seems, at least, to operate as an agent of recognition or the granting of dignity. And it forms alliances with religious bodies.

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