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silverseedthings · 4 years

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Jin Ling is a little younger Fix-It AU

Alright, so I had a silly thought:

I’ve read a lot of fic where Jin Guangyao didn’t love Qin Su but wanted the political connections of marrying her (plus the appearence of respectability inherent in being a married man) and he seduced her in order to force her family’s hand since they wouldn’t let them marry.

So far, this makes sense. Jin Guangyao is an experienced manipulator, he has charm, he has dimples, he’s a war hero. A sheltered girl like Qin Su would probably be easy prey for him. Equally logically, Qin Su’s mother would be Extremely Against this marriage. But she’s not going to admit to having been raped when she has the handy excuse of “But he’s the son of a whore!”

Now, what if Qin Su’s maids heard about what their mistress and her suitor were planning? The scandal! The juicy gossip! The extremely hefty tips they could receive in Jinlintai for that piece of intelligence on one of Carp Tower’s most disliked inhabitants!

Qin Su and Jin Guangyao quietly cease their association. But the Jin Sect is really gross and sexist even beyond the standards of the really gross and sexist cultivation world. Who’s going to get the worst of the backlash? Qin Su.

And Jin Zixuan notices. Madam Jin makes SURE he notices, anyway, with how she rants about shamelessness and dishonorability, even if in her case it’s mostly so she can say that she didn’t expect any better from JGY.

Now, Jin Zixuan had been quietly hopeful that he could get some action before the wedding, but he has just gotten a brutal reminder of how insidious Carp Tower gossip is, and he’s humiliated Jiang Yanli enough for a lifetime. He would never even look at her nonconsensually -he’s not his father- but he rather thinks Jiang Cheng would still take him aside for a quiet conversation with Zidian if there was a blowup of this magnitude (probably worse considering their station) with his sister. So he keeps it in his pants.

(Do I know if the timeline works for this? No. Do I care? Also no)

Now, fast forward most of a year past the wedding. The situation is thus:

Wei Wuxian is quietly farming in the Burial Mounds. Nobody has heard of the Yiling Patriarch in months beyond vague rumour-mongering.

Jiang Yanli is only just starting to show a baby bump. No official announcements have been made.

Jiang Cheng absolutely refuses to commit to an attack on the remaining Wens. Without Jiang support for the Jin’s proposal, Lan Xichen feels comfortable mantaining neutrality. Nie Mingjue hates Wens and demonic cultivation, but he has his priorities mostly straight. He won’t launch an offensive unprovoked, and is considering retracting his support of the siege plans out of spite since he Really Fucking Hates both Jin Guangshan and Jin Guangyao.

Jin Guangshan’s patience is wearing thin.

Now, Jin Guangyao knows very well he’s disposable. It’s why he wanted to marry Qin Su in the first place: a bastard son can be quietly (or loudly, depending on what is most convenient) expelled from the Sect once he’s no longer useful. If he was married to a lady from a prominent family that could be taken as an insult to his in-laws. But that plan backfired.

The social capital from his heroic deeds in the war is drying up. The scandal has left him in an even more precarious position, and to the public it looks like not even his sworn brothers are supporting him.

(It legitimately cracks me up that the outside perspective is that Lan Xichen is quietly disapproving of his actions while Nie Mingjue still gives him the benefit of the doubt, based on who’s standing with his clan on the Yiling Patriarch issue)

His assets are: one (1) easily-manipulated, bitter and petty minor sect leader with a disturbing obsession with Lan Wangji and one (1) out of his myriad of siblings (sworn, recognized, unrecognized or otherwise) that still likes and trusts him.

He goes to talk to Lan Xichen.

Here’s when what I like to call “The Tea of Misunderstandings” happens.

JGY, with earnest eyes and a pitiful expression: “Er-ge, I really don’t know what to do about the issue of the Yiling Patriarch. My father is convinced he’s an evil man that is amassing an army, but I haven’t seen you agree with him. Do you think his opinion is unfounded? Do you know anyone who could give an accurate account of his character? Please advise”

LXC, who always errs on the side of thinking the best of everyone’s intentions: “Well, I never had many interactions with Young Master Wei. I really couldn’t say for sure what he’s thinking, even if his chosen cultivation method is deeply troubling. If you want to hear what someone that has fought with him in the past has to say, perhaps you could ask Wangji?”

JGY, internally: “Perfect. Everyone knows Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian can’t stand one another. Er-ge won’t want to risk a large battle unless he’s attacked when his sect suffered so much so recently, but it will be easy to get him onboard once I give him a good excuse”

LXC, internally: “It’s so nice of A-Yao to be worried about doing the right thing, even if it might not align with his sect leader’s opinion. So inspiring! I hope Young Master Wei really is the man Wangji thinks he is, and that Wangji can convince A-Yao to speak to Sect Leader Jin on his behalf. We might be able to solve this situation without bloodshed.”

Remember, at this point in time Lan Wangji is still an Extremely Repressed Gay, and he and Wei Wuxian have had many very public disagreements. You can forgive JGY for not realizing that everybody knows they hate each other in much the same way everybody knows the Yiling Patriarch is amassing a terrifying Wen army.

You may blame Lan Xichen for his word choice when he meant “Someone who fought beside Wei Wuxian in the Sunshot Campaign and other occasions”. Poor jiggy interpreted “Someone who fought AGAINST Wei Wuxian”.

Convincing Su She to curse Lan Wangji is easy. Convincing him that the Yiling Patriarch: 1) Will be pleased about this and welcome him with open arms; 2) Can and will get rid of the curse backlash; 3) Will be easy to fool into revealing his plans so Su She can access glory and reknown in the same way JGY did is easier.

Jin Guangyao is prepared for every outcome:

If WWX kills Su She on the spot (which seems unlikely), Lan Wangji will still have suffered a direct attack “from the Yiling Patriarch” and Lan Xichen will feel compelled to support Jin Guangshan’s agenda. The Jiang will have no choice but to bow to the other three sects’ will and join. The death of a minor sect leader will get the minor sects foaming at the mouth to mount his head on a pike. Win.

If WWX lets his grudge cloud his judgement and actually welcomes Su She into the Burial Mounds (possible), the movilization to eradicate him and his camp will be even faster. Win.

If WWX tries to get Su She to pass him information and push his own agenda on the cultivation world (most probable, since he’s in desperate need of both information and people speaking for him, even if they come with the ticking time-bomb of a curse), Su She will just report on his forces and condemn him for “forcing him” to curse LWJ, as planned. Win.

Even in the unlikely event that WWX actually can (and the even unlikelier scenario that he does) get rid of the curse mark, JGY can blame Su She for everything and present himself as the one who uncovered their sinister plots so as to not share the glory. Win.

....Or so he’d thought. WWX trussing up Su She like a turkey and presenting them both at the gates of Cloud Recesses in a very public show of concern for LWJ was not something he’d thought he’d need a contingency for.

When LWJ turns out to believe everything WWX tells him even after Su She shockingly doesn’t sell JGY out and they team up to uncover the mystery, jiggy is ready to just throw up his hands in disbelief. That’s just unfair.

(WWX would probably have killed Su She on the spot, because he Cannot Even at the idea of LWJ being the slightest at risk, but Wen Ning was the one who found him and got the spiel about joining them and having cursed LWJ as a mark of his sincerity. It didn’t particularly endear him to Wen Ning either, but WN is smart enough to realize that a moron incompetent enough to get lost on the way to the Burial Mounds, in such a way that they had to split up to find him after he tripped the wards because apparentely?? he can’t feel the strongest fucking focus of resentful energy EVER?? is probably not smart enough to figure out a way to curse Hanguang Jun. Much less through the GusuLan sect’s barriers. So WWX and LWJ investigate to find out who’s the mastermind)

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afternoonteawithme · 4 years

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The Cold and the Emperor’s Smile - (Part 3)

Fandom: MZDS / Pairing: WangXian / Rating: G / WC: 2628

(read it on AO3) || (part 1) (part 2)

About halfway through the morning session, a well-respected senior cultivator from one of the larger clans snapped and told Sect Leader Yao, very bluntly, to shut his mouth since nothing of any use was coming out of it.

To Jin Ling’s immense relief, Sect Leader Yao had responded by leaping to his feet, spilling the contents of his table as he’d loudly announced that he was going back to his rooms in Gusu until he received a formal apology. He’d then stormed out of the conference room, robes fluttering at his heels.

Jin Ling had to admit it had been a good exit.

But his relief, and the relief of almost everyone else in the room, hadn’t lasted long.

“Well, I- I’m just not sure…” Sect Leader Ouyang’s voice quavered a little as he shot a desperate look at the door Sect Leader Yao had disappeared through.

Lan Xichen’s smile was a little strained, but his voice was endlessly patient. “Sect Leader Ouyang. We simply need you to confirm that the clans with cultivators available, and with watchtowers in their own territory, will still be responsible for those specific watchtowers.”

“I think it’s better if we wait for Sect Leader Yao to come back before deciding anything like that.”

Jin Ling stifled a sigh as his eyes met Ouyang Zizhen’s, sitting beside his father. They’d both spent enough time at meetings just like this over the past few years for him to be familiar with the look of suppressed frustration on his friend’s face.

At the table beside Jin Ling, Jiang Cheng leaned forward, his own exasperation clear both on his face and in his voice as he addressed Sect Leader Ouyang. “In the absence of Sect Leader Yao, you are the representative of the absent sects and clans. There is no need to wait for him to come back before you make a decision.”

“But I don’t know if he’d agree if I said yes.”

Jiang Cheng’s fingers tapped irritably on his table. “Sect Leader Ouyang. Are you aware of the reason why anyone here cares about your opinion, right at this moment?”

Sect Leader Ouyang spluttered, his eyes darting around the room as he avoided Jiang Cheng’s gaze. “Be- because I was asked to- to step in. If something were to happen to Sect Leader Yao.”

“Something happened. He’s not here.”

“No, but-”

“Do you agree that he is no longer here?”

“Well, yes.”

“So that makes you the representative in his place. Correct?”

“I am, but-”

“Then could we have your agreement, as the representative of the absent sects and clans?” Jiang Cheng spoke with such awful patience that Jing Ling felt his shoulders hunch instinctively.

“Oh, no. That would need to come from Sect Leader Yao.”

“Dad, it’s fine,” Unable to restrain himself any longer, Ouyang Zizhen leaned in towards his father, his voice low and earnest. “Sect Leader Yao brought up this topic himself because some of the clans have refuse- I mean, some have felt that it is unfair for them to be required to send their cultivators to man the watchtowers, since they don’t have as many available. Sect Leader Lan is just making sure that the bigger clans and sects will keep doing what they’re already doing while we decide on who will cover the remaining towers. Sect Leader Yao shouldn’t have any reason to disagree.”

“Well he might not, but what if he does.”

“Dad-”

“That’s enough, boy.” Sect Leader Ouyang waved a hand at him, urging him back to his place. “I have my reasons. You’ll understand one day.”

Jin Ling almost rolled his eyes at that particular phrase.

But when he saw the look on Ouyang Zizhen’s face, as his friend sat back, his lips tightly pressed together to hold in the rest of his words, Jin Ling lost any desire to find humor in Sect Leader Ouyang’s behavior.

He thought of the conversation they’d had the night before, when Zizhen had been half drunk on the Emperor’s Smile they’d snuck into Cloud Recesses. He’d clearly been upset before they even started drinking to let himself go that far, since – just like Jin Ling – drinking alcohol and staying sober was a vital skill he’d had to cultivate as future sect leader, but even with Lan Sizhui’s gentle encouragement Zizhen hadn’t been willing to talk until late in the night, long after Lan Jingyi had passed out from trying to keep up with him.

Maybe it was because he’d spent so much time at Carp Tower and Cloud Recesses over the past few years, or maybe it was simply because of who he was, but Ouyang Zizhen was finding himself increasingly at odds with his father’s choices and style of leadership. Still, since he was his father’s only heir, he’d been with him and Sect Leader Yao for the last month while they met with many of the sects and clans they were representing at this conference.

Lying sprawled out on the floor beside the table the others still sat at – or in Lan Jingyi’s case, lay with his head on – he’d sighed dramatically, and said that he knew better than to expect much of logic and reason from the two sect leaders, but he’d still been miserably disappointed.

He knew why his father was so hesitant to do anything to offend Sect Leader Yao. They both relied so heavily on the threat of public opinion to keep everything as it was, and he worried that if Sect Leader Yao told the other leaders that he’d overstepped himself, they would turn on him, as they had turned on others in the past.

Jin Ling supposed that if anyone should know and fear what a mob could do, it ought to be Sect Leader Ouyang and Sect Leader Yao.

Thinking of that conversation, and of the amount of alcohol they’d gone through, Jin Ling slid his gaze across to the Gusu Lan Sect’s tables. He saw Hanguang Jun first, staring at Sect Leader Ouyang with an expression that made Jin Ling very glad he was sitting half a room away. Behind him, Lan Sizhui sat calmly, his face showing little more than gentle interest.

Sizhui was getting better at hiding his thoughts, Jin Ling decided. If he hadn’t known him so well he might have missed the subtle concern in his eyes when they flicked briefly to Sect Leader Lan’s face.

Lan Jingyi, however, was not getting any better at hiding anything.

Despite himself, Jin Ling had to suppress a grin at the way Lan Jingyi sat slumped over his table, clearly nursing a bad headache.

As Jin Ling watched, Lan Sizhui, eyes still on Sect Leader Ouyang, reached out to poke him lightly in the side.

Lan Jingyi shot him a look, but pushed himself upright.

“Sect Leader Ouyang,” Lan Xichen began, “If you cannot agree to the larger sects continuing to be responsible for their watchtowers, what would you propose as an alternative?”

Clearly flustered, Sect Leader Ouyang’s eyes flicked from impatient face to impatient face, before finally landing back on Lan Xichen’s, evidently deciding he was the most sympathetic. “Maybe we should send someone after Sect Leader Yao?”

“If you cannot be of any use, Sect Leader Ouyang, I wonder why you even bother being here?” Jiang Cheng’s voice held so much bite that Jin Ling almost felt bad for Sect Leader Ouyang.

“Why don’t we take a short break.” Lan Xichen interjected quickly, before the situation could erupt any further. “We’ll return to this after lunch.”

“Yes, that would be best.” Sect Leader Ouyang seemed to almost sag with relief. “Thank you, Sect Leader Lan.”

Lan Xichen smiled, bowing his head, but even Jin Ling could tell it wasn’t his usual smile. Somehow, he looked even more tired than he had when they’d started, early that morning. He nodded at the attendants standing along the wall to refill the cups on the tables, and slowly the noise level of the room rose.

“And so we remain. Stuck between an ass and a rock.” Nie Huaisang spoke very quietly, but since he was sitting close by, at a table just on the other side of Jiang Cheng, Jin Ling still heard him.

“You have no room to talk, Nie Huaisang.” Jiang Cheng muttered back at him.

Fluttering his fan in front of his mouth, Nie Huaisang’s eyes widened. “I’m not an ass, or a rock.”

“No. You’re not, you’re more like a- a-” Jiang Cheng ground to a halt, clearly unable to come up with a good description. “Whatever. Stop talking.”

Partly to spare his uncle more embarrassment, Jin Ling leaned forward until he caught Nie Huaisang’s amused gaze. “Thank you for your help earlier, Sect Leader Nie.”

“I didn’t do anything worth your thanks, Sect Leader Jin.”

Jin Ling just nodded his head at him, and didn’t bother trying to say any more. As he sat back, he wondered – if Wei Wuxian hadn’t sat him down to warn him so thoroughly about Nie Huiasang, with Hanguang Jun standing behind him silently confirming everything he said, would he have missed the subtle way Nie Huaisang had said just enough to encourage Sect Leader Yao to keep offending the other minor sects at the conference?

He hoped he’d have been smart enough to see it, but had to admit it was likely he’d have just passed it off as Nie Huaisang speaking before he thought. He hated to think he might have been blind enough to consider Nie Huaisang a fool.

No matter what else he was, he was no fool.

After all, Sect Leader Yao was now gone, and they didn’t have to deal with the nightmare that would have resulted if it had been one of the major sects offending him badly enough to make him walk out. Jin Ling certainly couldn’t have.

Sect Leader Ouyang was frustrating, but Sect Leader Yao had been far, far worse.

Movement caught Jin Ling’s eye. He looked up and saw Hanguang Jun turn his head to say something quietly to the two sitting behind him. A moment later, both Lan Jingyi and Lan Sizhui stood up and started towards the door.

He was probably having them check on Wei Wuxian, as he had earlier that morning. From what Jin Ling knew of his uncle’s cultivation partner, he imagined Hanguang Jun was feeling torn between his duties at the conference, and checking on Wei Wuxian himself.

And since he was even more familiar with his other uncle, Jin Ling wasn’t surprised, when he turned back to check, to see Jiang Cheng also watching Lan Jingyi and Lan Sizhui leave. His uncle was worried about Wei Wuxian, though he’d never admit it out loud. Jin Ling imagined that that worry was behind at least some of his harshness when he’d talked to Sect Leader Ouyang.

Jin Ling had been standing beside him that morning when Hanguang Jun had walked in alone, without Wei Wuxian. Jiang Cheng had, of course, expressed his concern by commenting that it was just like Wei Wuxian to come up with such a convenient way of avoiding the conference.

Hanguang Jun had eyed Jiang Cheng coldly, before replying that Wei Wuxian hadn’t gotten sick on purpose, and then simply walking away.

If he could have gotten away with it, Jin Ling might have kicked his uncle. He’d watched him turn his head to stare in the direction of the jingshi where Wei Wuxian lived, his desire to go check on his brother so loud and clear on his face that it was almost deafening.

But of course he hadn’t.

Sect Leader Jiang. Sandu Shengshou. The man who terrified most of the cultivation world had once, to a young Jin Ling, seemed to fear nothing at all. The fact that he was, in truth, so terrified of actually expressing his feelings to Wei Wuxian made Jin Ling want to smack their heads together.

Jin Ling sighed. One day, maybe, the two of them would stop hiding how much they cared about each other.

But for today, they had to get through the conference.

An instant later, Lan Jingyi and Lan Sizhui hurried back into the room with a third Gusu Lan disciple Jin Ling didn’t recognize, but who looked wide eyed, and a little alarmed. The three walked quickly to where Lan Xichen stood speaking with his brother.

Whatever was going on, it had to involve Wei Wuxian.

Beside Jin Ling, Jiang Cheng got abruptly to his feet, and was halfway across the room before Jin Ling could even stand. He followed, pushing his way through the small circle of Gusu Lan Sect disciples that was starting to form just in time to hear Lan Xichen tell the girl to speak.

“Er…I wonder if I could ask for Hanguang Jun’s assistance?”

Lan Wangji blinked. “What is it?”

Shifting her weight uncomfortably from foot to foot, the young disciple glanced around, and then lowered her voice to a whisper. “I think you might need to stop Wei Wuxian.”

“What do you mean?” Scowling, Jiang Cheng stepped forward until he stood directly in front of her. “What did Wei Wuxian do?”

Lan Wangji shot him a not entirely friendly look as he edged in between him and the girl. “Explain.”

When the girl hesitated and bit her lip, Lan Sizhui spoke. “It sounds like he asked her to describe how the conference was going, and once he found out, he decided to go after Sect Leader Yao.”

“Well, that’s unfortunate, but nothing worth panicking over.” Nie Huaisang had pushed through the circle to stand beside Jin Ling. He smiled uneasily as he suddenly became the focus of all eyes. “I thought something bad had happened.”

Lan Jingyi and Lan Sizhui exchanged glances, and this time Lan Jingyi was the one to speak. “He might not be planning on just using words to get him to come back. He took Chenqing, and rope. And, uh…” Hesitating, Lan Jingyi shot a guilty glance at Lan Xichen before continuing. “He’d maybe been drinking a little.”

Jiang Cheng sucked in a shocked breath, and turned to face Lan Wangji. “You let him have alcohol?”

Lan Wangji’s eyebrow lifted slightly, and he said nothing, but for once Jin Ling knew exactly what he was thinking. They were all well aware that this was not Wei Wuxian’s first time drinking.

“But he’s sick.” Jiang Cheng said, as if that should explain everything.

There was a beat of silence as the others stared at him, and then Lan Xichen spoke slowly. “I agree that it’s not a good thing to drink when already ill, but-”

Jiang Cheng shook his head sharply. “No. He can’t hold liquor when he’s sick. Even just a little makes him lose all of his self-control.”

When he still only met blank looks, Jiang Cheng exhaled irritably. “Anyone else here remember the worst of the Sunshot Campaign? The Burial Grounds? He at least tried to have some control there. But when he gets sick drunk he has absolutely none. Last time it happened at Lotus Pier he almost started a war, and he set fire to an entire fleet of boats. My mother came very close to a qi deviation.”

His face pale, Jiang Cheng looked directly at Hanguang Jun. “We have to stop him. Before he does something to Sect Leader Yao he can’t come back from.”

“Wei Wuxian went after Sect Leader Yao?” A voice squeaked from behind the circle of people.

Jin Ling cursed internally when he turned with the others, and saw Sect Leader Ouyang staring at them.

Lan Wangji turned on his heel and strode out of the room, with Jiang Cheng half a step behind him.

#the untamed #mdzs #mdzs fanfiction #wangxian #elliemoran #my fanfiction

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llaevateinn · 5 years

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Lan Xichen sees someting in Jin Rusong that is very familiar to him. He decides to take matters into his own hands.

The birth of Jin Guangyao's son not even a year after his marriage to Qin Su was celebrated, as much as it caused whispered discussions. Some said that he only took her as wife because she was already pregnant before their betrothal. Some lauded that he took responsibility. Most didn't care and simply showed up for the baby's one-month feast. An excuse to drink too much and eat at the expense of LanlingJin sect.

"What is his name?" Lan Xichen asked, carefully bending over the sleeping child nestled in Qin Su's arms. The mother looked radiant, beaming with love and happiness. Next to her, Lan Xichen's sworn brother also shone with pride.

"Rusong," answered Qin Su.

"A good, strong name."

"Do you wish to hold him?" asked Jin Guangyao.

Lan Xichen could see Qin Su bristle a little, so he was about to refuse. After all, the child was still so young and clearly his mother loved him so very much. But then, to his surprise, Qin Su offered him up anyway. Touched by this show of trust, he held the sleeping baby in the crook of his arm, feeling its weight and warmth.

"You are good with children," said Qin Su.

"A-Su is right. Er-ge, you should also marry and have children soon, it suits you."

Lan Xichen only chuckled and shook his head, gazing at Rusong in his arms instead of replying. In his sleep, the boy drooled a little. Wiping some of it with his sleeve despite Qin Su's protests, he reached into his robes to take out a small piece of jade.

"This is my gift to you, little Rusong," he whispered to the child. "For luck and protection."

He tucked the carved jade into the soft cloth that Rusong was wrapped in, near his body where it could absorb some of his body's warmth.

"Thank you, on his behalf. It is a lovely gift."

Rusong slept on, unaware of the world around him or the troubles ahead. Around him, the adults kept talking, laughing, feeling the warmth of new life and new hope. War was behind them. Now was the time for children to be born and love to bloom.

Three years later, their hopes and dreams had not all come to fruition. More loss and grief had caused them to lose families and loved ones, including Jin Zixuan. Due to this, it was now Jin Guangyao who stood to inherit the LanlingJin sect upon their father's passing. Not all were happy with this development, but such were things.

In order to show his support, Lan Xichen often visited Koi Tower to see his sworn brother and his young family. He and Qin Su became very close as well, and he loved to watch as Rusong grew up.

After all that happened, Rusong had also gained a new playmate, though often his cousin Rulan stayed at Lotus Pier with his uncle instead of here. Still, the two boys clearly held affection for each other. Whenever Rulan came to visit Koi Tower, Rusong would wait on the stairs to be the first to spot him coming.

However, on this day, there was a great storm. Surely, Sect Leader Jiang would keep little Rulan with him for one more day instead of sending him out like this. But Rusong insisted to wait on top of the stairs no matter what. When prompted to leave and wait inside, he threw such a tantrum that he was unable to speak anymore.

"Please, A-Song," Qin Su tried to coax him, holding the shaking and screaming boy around the waist so he would not fall. "It is far too cold and wet outside – you will get sick if you stay much longer."

But Rusong could not be reasoned with.

"A-Ling," he cried, breathless and red in the face. "A-Ling!"

Lan Xichen happened upon this scene, feeling his heart break a little for the sweet boy. He was reminded of a similar incident, long ago. In Rusong's place he saw a little boy his age, but in white robes and a white forehead ribbon that fluttered in the cold winter wind as he knelt on the stairs of a house that would forever remain empty.

"Madam Jin," he said softly, approaching the distraught mother and son. "May I?"

Tired, Qin Su shifted to the side, letting Lan Xichen kneel behind Rusong. He replaced her hands around the boy's waist, pulling him gently into his lap.

"A-Song," he muttered quietly. "Would you like it if I waited with you for A-Ling? I will keep you warm, so you don't get sick. And I'll shelter you, in case the rain reaches us. Then your mother can go rest, and your parents won't have to worry about you."

Rusong whined and struggled a little, but when he felt the soft warmth of three layers of white cloth close around him in a cocoon of safety, he settled down. Then, he nodded.

"Thank you." Turning his head to look at Qin Su, Lan Xichen smiled. "Do not worry about Rusong now. I will take care of him."

"This- …" Qin Su bit her lip. "I cannot ask this of you, Zewu-Jun. I'm afraid he will insist on waiting all night."

"I will wait until he falls asleep. Then I will have him brought to you."

"Oh." Qin Su looked at her son. Only his head peeked out from Lan Xichen's robes. He was already visibly exhausted from his earlier crying and kicking. Now that he was wrapped up warmly, his eyes were drooping.

Seeing this, Qin Su thanked him quietly, wiping away her own desperate tears. She excused herself, to rest a little herself, leaving Lan Xichen and Rusong alone, sitting on the stairs.

He thought it was very peaceful, with the boy's familiar warmth nestled to his chest as they listened to the rain and thunder overhead. It did not take long for a little head to lean heavily against his sternum. Lan Xichen huffed affectionately, shifting the boy's weight in his arms so he could carry him more easily.

As he helped his mother tuck him into bed, Lan Xichen thought with a full heart how much Wangji might love to meet this little boy, who was so much like he was. He could even bring along his own son to play with Rusong, and they could all become friends.

Qin Su and Jin Guangyao both loved their son very much. It was evident in every interaction they had with the sweet boy, who was growing up fast. Almost five years old, he would be starting training soon to become a cultivator. In a few years he might develop his golden core.

But when Lan Xichen mentioned this to his sworn brother, Jin Guangyao hesitated visibly.

"I don't know if he is ready for it," he said vaguely, smiling all the while.

"You are only worried, as his parent," Lan Xichen waved his words away. "The pressure is higher for you than it is for him. As long as you let him learn at his own pace, everything will be fine."

But he could see that his sworn brother was not yet convinced.

The next time Lan Xichen visited, he brought a guest with him. He introduced him to Rusong, who was sitting on the ground and tugging at the grass in the gardens. Qin Su knelt next to him, clearly desperately trying to get him to stop, yet unable to do so. There were already lines of frustration evident both in the lines of her shoulders and on Rusong's brow.

"Rusong," Lan Xichen said. "I want you to meet someone very special to me. This is my little brother, Lan Wangji."

Rusong only stared. Wangji stared right back, until Rusong squirmed and looked away, starting to tear out more grass. Nobody said anything, watching in strange apprehension – except for Lan Xichen, who smiled – as Lan Wangji sat next to Rusong in the grass, gesturing for Qin Su to let him continue. Clearly put-upon, Qin Su rose to her feet and brushed off her skirts. She joined everyone else in watching, her arms crossed.

After a while, Rusong stopped tearing out more grass. He snuck a quick glance at Lan Wangji before gathering all the harvested grass in his arms and taking it to a nearby pond. On the water, there were a couple of ducks. As soon as he approached, they started quacking loudly, swimming closer.

"He is feeding the ducks?" Qin Su said loudly, watching with wide eyes as Rusong threw the grass in the water for the ducks to snap up. "But I asked him why he was doing that, and he wouldn't answer. I thought he was sulking."

Now they all watched as Lan Wangji drew a pouch of seeds from his sleeve to join Rusong in feeding the ducks. Neither of them ever said a word, but to everyone it was evident that they both enjoyed each other's company.

Later, Lan Xichen drew his sworn brother aside to speak to him about Rusong's education.

"There are different ways how a child like Rusong may express the ways in which he is special," he explained. "It requires a different sort of schooling than what most teachers are experienced with. But he is not the only one. In fact, behavior like his quite frequently emerges in members of the Lan family. If you wish, he could be educated in the Cloud Recesses, where he can be given the proper care and time he needs."

Jin Guangyao looked thoughtful at this, if not a little apprehensive. Of course, any father would be unwilling to part with his son at such a young age. Lan Xichen could see that he was reluctant – clearly, an expression of his great love for Rusong. Though he smiled and said he was going to think about it, Lan Xichen sadly thought that he wasn't going to take the offer.

On their way back home, Wangji said: "Will we take the boy?"

"His parents love him very much. I don't know if they are willing to have him stay with us to be educated, even though it might be best. I don't know if Rusong would be willing to leave his home, either."

"I would take him," said Wangji.

Lan Xichen smiled.

"I know you would. You like him, don't you? He is a sweet boy. He might get along well with Sizhui, too. Wouldn't that be nice?"

"Mm."

"This is just temporary," Jin Guangyao said, looking haggard and torn. This was as nervous as Lan Xichen had ever seen him, so he poured them some more tea.

"I understand."

"Just to see how he would fit in. If he might like it here. I apologize for the inconvenience, er-ge."

"It is no trouble at all."

With a sigh, Jin Guangyao smiled again, inhaling the vapor rising from the tea.

Outside, Lan Xichen knew, were Rusong and Sizhui, getting acquainted for the first time. The two were not too far apart in age, though Sizhui was a little older. This was very suitable, as they intended for Sizhui to help them guide Rusong and introduce him to the Cloud Recesses and the classes he would be attending here. Lan Xichen was very confident that the two boys would soon become fast friends. Already, there was laughter to be heard, and he could see that Jin Guangyao also relaxed at this.

Apparently, Rusong had not taken well to classes in Koi Tower. He and the teachers had clashed often, and the teachers had declared him unteachable. There were even worse, less honorable words thrown around that Lan Xichen did not care for.

He made his offer again, asking whether Rusong might want to stay in the Cloud Recesses. This time, Jin Guangyao said yes immediately.

"We will take very good care of him," he promised. "Just you see, we will carefully polish and nurture his talents."

"But they said- …" Jin Guangyao hesitated. There was pain his eyes, staining his unsmiling mouth.

"It doesn't matter what they said. Your boy is kind and strong. He is going to be able to help a lot of people in the future."

"Thank you. Er-ge, thank you, so much. You don't know how- …" He paused, dabbing at his eyes. "If it weren't for you, I don't know what I would have done."

"I am sure you would have found a way," Lan Xichen said consolingly, patting his sworn brother's arm. "I know how much you love your son."

"Yes. Yes, of course."

They finished drinking their tea, listening to Sizhui's giggling outside as he played with Rusong. Just as predicted, they had taken an immediate liking to each other. Lan Xichen smiled, content with his work well done.

#aka SAVE JIN RUSONG'S LIFE #aka does this make jgy less of an unforgivable asshole? maybe #my fic #don't mind my ranting lol #mo dao zu shi #jin rusong #lan xichen #lwj be like #i'm going to adopt this child brother help me

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carrotcouple · 5 years

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Tear Me To Pieces (Skin and Bone) | (AO3)

Jiang Cheng is 21 and holding a crying Jin Ling in the middle of what used to be his home, but is now only an empty and false shell of what it used to be, when he first sees the ghosts of the people who meant the most to him.

Jiang Cheng doesn’t know how to sleep. There is an immense emptiness inside of him that he wishes could be cured with sleep, but he knows that there is no cure. Only nightmares of blood and screams and tears. So instead he spends his nights in that immense hall, remembering mornings filled with sunshine, his sister’s laughter, his father’s soothing voice, his mother’s nagging and the sound of Wei Wuxian making excuses for being late.

Jiang Cheng hates the way he holds onto that time, like he has nothing else.

He wants to forget. Forget and never look back. But how does one take what had once been their entire life and erase it? Jiang Cheng doesn’t know how to. And now, there is no one left to show him.

He never uses a lantern here. The mere sight of fire in his home - no, the replacement of what used to be his home - makes him more afraid than he will ever acknowledge. He uses the glare of Sandu or Zidian to help him through the dark halls.

There are letters on his desk. He vaguely remembers being told that they were delivered. He never touched them, lost in the prison that was his own mind. He stares at them silently, then chooses one that looks somewhat important. It's covered in something he guesses is supposed to be gold dust, and smells like stale flowers. It's from Lanling, or, more specifically, Jin Guangyao.

...cannot give attention...your turn...in need of care...Jin Ling…

Jiang Cheng can’t really focus on the entire letter, but he understands through the fragments he has managed to process. Jin Ling is to come to Yunmeng. He scribbles some sort of reply and agrees to take Jin Ling in after week. It would not be his first time having to care for his nephew, but this would be the first time his nephew would come to Yunmeng. Jiang Cheng had spent weeks at Lanling trying to hold his tiny nephew before.

This would be different.

Jin Guangyao smiles at him when he arrives to pick up the laughing bundle of limbs. Jiang Cheng delicately tries to hold the baby when placed in his arms. He’s not sure what face to make or what to say to the child that stares up at him. Jin Guangyao comments on his appearance, ‘is he alright?’, ‘can he handle taking care of Jin Ling?’, ‘should he send some attendants to Yunmeng with them?’

The fake concern sparks up rage in Jiang Cheng and he wants to lash out with Zidian. He hates the Lanling Sect with a passion that he cannot explain. He needs no sympathy. Definitely not someone who can see past the careful walls that he has built to protect himself.

The trip back to Yunmeng is uneventful. When they arrive, Jin Ling plays by himself and makes baby noises. Jiang Cheng is reminded repeatedly by his assistants when to feed Jin Ling and when to clean him. Jiang Cheng bears with it for Jin Ling’s sake, trying not to think too much. Just after nightfall, Jiang Cheng sits down to attempt to write some letters. It’s right then that Jin Ling begins to wail loudly. Jiang Cheng rocks him back and forth in his arms the way Ah-Jie had once taught him and tries to talk in a ‘soothing’ voice - or whatever that meant.

His attempt fails miserably. Jin Ling's cries get increasingly louder. At this rate, Jiang Cheng fears he will wake the entire sect. Descending into full panic, he leaves his room with Jin Ling in his arms, searching for someone, anyone, who could be better than him at raising a child. Anyone would do, anyone but him. He is not a mother and he is not a father and he is not even a very good uncle, if the rumors were to be believed. He's not a fool. He knows that he's downright horrible at this, that he shouldn't be allowed to raise raise a child at all. But to raise Jin Ling is his job.

And he hates it.

He realizes that he’s in the middle of a courtyard and stops, nerves fraying at the edges. This is where his sister used to sit and feed them when they were upset. He is crossing the middle of a courtyard when he stops because he knows this is where his sister used to sit and feed them food when they were upset. And all of a sudden everything is too much. The baby in his arms, the lack of his family and the weight on his shoulders.

Jiang Cheng wants to break. He wants to break so badly and there is a crying baby in his arms.

A purple skirt flits at the edge of his blurred vision. Suddenly horrified at the thought of being caught in this state, he dashes after the skirt. It swooshes around a corner, and he follows close behind. He would find her, and he would make sure she never told a soul. He races through the empty moonlit halls. Jin Ling is still crying in his arms a minute later, when he skids to a halt in front of a doorway he hadn't dared to open since he'd reconstructed Lotus Pier. Standing in front of it is a tall and commanding figure, in elegant purple robes, hair in a familiarly complicated updo.

“Ah-Niang?” his voice breaks.

Ignoring him completely, she opens the door and strides inside. In his rush, Jiang Cheng nearly drops Jin Ling. He kicks the door open and dashes into what had once been his parent’s quarters and freezes. The room is empty. There isn’t even a trace of someone having been there.

Jin Ling has stopped crying.

------o------

It isn’t the last time he sees the ghost of his mother, the number of ghosts only grow. He catches glimpses of his shidis laughing and running through the training grounds, sees some of the older ladies from the kitchen laugh and smile at him before turning corners and vanishing.

Jiang Cheng knows he’s going crazy.

Jin Ling has been enjoying himself. Jiang Cheng tries to devote as much time to him as he can but his mind keeps wandering to dark places filled with the smell of blood and death. Jin Ling is at the age where he can start walking, but he hasn't made much progress, seemingly content to just crawling around. Jiang Cheng grits his teeth. How had they been raising his nephew in Lanling? Were they neglecting him? Jiang Cheng wants to march over and give that stupid Sect Leader a piece of his mind.

Today, Jin Ling is crawling around his writing room in excitement and playing with the toys Jiang Cheng had ordered for him. Jiang Cheng needs to work, but watching his nephew tends to take priority. He has just finished writing letters when Jin Ling starts chattering loudly, which quickly devolves into screeching.

“Ah-Ling, what is it?” Jiang Cheng looks up and then freezes. Standing before his desk is his mother, looking down at him with those ice-like eyes. Jiang Cheng wants to rush at her. He wants to hug her. He wants to cry. But she is holding him in place with just her gaze and he cannot move. He is conditioned to stay still when she looks at him like that. She doesn’t say a word, she merely continues to stare at him and he feels judged under her gaze.

“What are you doing?”

He can almost hear her voice in his head as he deciphers the look in her eyes. He lowers his eyes from her face and stares at the hem of her skirts, suddenly terrified. He wants to say something, answer her question, but the words are lodged in his throat and he cannot make a sound.

A toy hits his arm and he startles. Jin Ling is throwing various brightly colored toys at him.

“I’m sorry,” he chokes out. He isn’t sure what he’s apologizing for, but he can’t stop. “I’m sorry, I failed. I failed to do anything that you expected of me and in the end everything fell apart. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry.” He bows his head, digging his forehead into the wood of his desk as he rambles apologies.

Forgive me, I am a failure.

“Sect Leader Jiang?” Someone knocks on his door and then opens it. Jiang Cheng is trapped. He would rather die than let someone else see his face.

“Get out,” he growls into the wood.

“I’m sorry?” the man, whoever it is, sounds nervous.

“I said get out,” Jiang Cheng snaps louder.

“But I b-broug-”

“Are you deaf?” he roars, still not raising his face from the table. “Get out unless you want to be flayed alive by Zidian! And take Jin Ling with you!”

“Y-yes!”

There is a scramble of footsteps, Jin Ling crying and then silence.

When Jiang Cheng finally looks up, his mother is gone.

I really am going crazy.

------o------

Jin Ling is four when Jiang Cheng first sees the ghost of his father. The ghosts never go away and maybe they never will. His mother flits in and out of his vision, a constant reminder of how he had failed to become the son she wanted him to be. Seeing his father is considerably worse. Jiang Cheng loves his father, but his father never loved him. And that fills him with an anger that reminds him of his mother. Every time he rages at the mere sight of braided hair gracing the corners of his vision, he understands how his mother felt.

She had been tired of trying to find love in a man that would never truly love her back. Jiang Cheng is tired too. His father never comes to face him. Instead he went and spoke to the other ghosts and by the time Jiang Cheng tried to reach him, his father would be gone.

Why did he have to crave the love of his father even after he was long dead? What sin had he committed in his past life to have been given this kind of torture?

His sect members are terrified of him and he furiously trains them, too angry to think of anything else. Sometimes he thinks he catches his father watching him train the sect members or Jin Ling and he thinks:

Look at me. I’m brought our sect back from the ashes. Look at me. Aren’t I doing a fine job?

But when he turns his head, his father is always gone.

Jin Ling, although slow with social skills, is already trying to do things related to cultivation and picks up things quickly. Jiang Cheng is proud of him, although he would never say that out loud. A pat on the head is enough. Jin Ling doesn’t speak much, but he learned to make all kinds of faces and always directs them at Jiang Cheng.

Jiang Cheng is alone in the hall where they ate their meals when he notices his father standing at the doorway, staring at him. That’s strange. The ghosts speak to each other, but never to him.

“Ah-Die,” Jiang Cheng bows his head, because he still feels like he needs to do it, even though his father is long dead. He wonders what he would look like to an outsider, bowing to nothing and calling out for his father.

He knows he’s crazy.

His father says nothing, just continues to stare at him. Jiang Cheng clenches his fists and looks away.

“I have nothing to say to you,” Jiang Cheng spits out. He is an adult now. His own person. He is a Sect Leader. The sect leader after his father had fallen.

You are nothing, the tiny voice in his head whispers to him. You are a slave to your dark past. You cannot move forward. Look at you, aren’t your hallucinations proof enough?

His father still does not move or speak, he only stares at him. Jiang Cheng is tired. He is tired of seeking love, acknowledgement and praise from a man who would never give him any. He only loved Wei Wuxian. And in the end, Jiang Cheng is still nothing compared to his brother. He wants his father’s ghost to go away. Why approach him now when he had avoided him for a whole year? To tell him once again that he couldn’t measure up to his brother?

What brother? That traitor is not my brother.

“Please, go away,” Jiang Cheng says.

His father does not move.

It hurts. It hurts more than it needs to hurt. Jiang Cheng is over his parents’ death. He is over his father preferring Wei Wuxian over him. He is over feeling things. But it still hurts. And Jiang Cheng crumbles. He sinks to the floor.

“Please, go away. Leave me alone. I don’t want you here. You were never here for me. Don’t think you can start now. Go away! Leave me alone!” Jiang Cheng begs. “Please, I beg of you, leave me alone. I do not want your presence.”

There is a quiet sigh in the room. As Jiang Cheng looks up, his father walks out the door.

------o------

Jin Ling is seven and bruised and broken and dirty. Jiang Cheng is furious. How could his nephew be so stupid? How could he do something so risky? What if he had gotten worse injuries? What if he had died? Jiang Cheng tries not to let the memories overwhelm him.

Blood. Blood everywhere. The blood won’t stop. Ah-Jie isn’t breathing. What do I do? What do I do? How do I fix it? How do I fix her? How do I fix us?

“Jin Ling! I’ve told you over and over again not to go near the steep side of the river bank! Did you listen to me? No! Do you want me to break your legs to teach you not to go there again?” Jiang Cheng roars. Jin Ling is crying. He’s wailing in pain and Jiang Cheng hates this. He hates himself.

He is scared. He is so very scared of losing Jin Ling. But he only knows how to lash out. He doesn’t know how to use kind words or soft touches. He is not his sister.

“What would have happened if I hadn’t been looking for you? You stupid child! Learn to use your brain! What do they even teach you in Lanling?” Jiang Cheng shouted. Jin Ling continues to cry and Jiang Cheng doesn’t know how to make it stop. Jin Ling is not a baby anymore. Jiang Cheng will not coddle him. He refuses to do something so embarrassing in front of a child that will remember it all.

Jiang Cheng is carrying his nephew, as carefully as possible, back home and to have one of the doctors look at him. Jin Ling doesn’t stop crying and whether it is because he is in pain or because Jiang Cheng has thoroughly terrified this small seven year old child, he doesn’t know. The doctors rush to help Jin Ling and Jiang Cheng watches for a little bit. Once he is sure Jin Ling will be alright, he stomps towards his writing room. He closes the door and then there is a hand on his shoulder.

He jumps away, whipping out Zidian, one hand on Sandu. There is no one. He is alone. His heart thuds in his chest. As if it weren’t already enough that he was seeing things that weren’t there, but he is also feeling things that weren’t there. Maybe he was going to go absolutely insane and then be locked up for being a lunatic. He thinks of how Wei Wuxian had been regarded as a lunatic and had been forced to live and isolate himself in the Yiling Burial Mounds filled with all kinds of horrors that made Jiang Cheng’s stomach churn.

Maybe it runs in the family.

No. Perhaps it’s just him, trying to be like his brother again. He laughs and falls to his knees, hands covering his face as he laughs brokenly. He can never be rid of Wei Wuxian it seems. He can never be rid of his past. He can never be rid of the biggest blemish in his life.

I want to forget. I want to erase it all. Please. Help me forget. Please.

Once he regains control of himself, Jiang Cheng goes to his nephew’s room. Upon seeing that Jin Ling is still sleeping, he turns to leave the room but then hears a small rustle behind him. He turns, and he feels like he has been punched in the gut by that despicable dog Wen Ning. His sister is standing there, beside Jin Ling’s bed, looking down at her son with the softest smile on her face. Her hand is gently brushing against the locks of hair sticking to his forehead.

Jiang Cheng is suddenly very aware of how he had shouted and threatened to hurt Jin Ling earlier. He is suddenly very aware of how he had raised Jin Ling with little to no affection. He wants to tell her that he will change. He will try. He will say soft words and heap praises on his nephew. But how? How does he change? How does he do anything that he mentioned above. He is not his sister. He can never be his sister. And he is broken and breaking even more everyday.

He does not remember how one shows love anymore.

She turns to look at him and her gaze is soft, a sliver of a smile on her face and Jiang Cheng reaches for her. She pulls away slightly and he remembers, she is inside his head. He cannot actually touch her. He cannot feel the warmth of her hand as she patted his head when he was a child. He cannot hear her laughter as she patched him up after he got into a stupid fight with Wei Wuxian. He cannot ask her to tell him everything is alright.

That is not what his ghosts are.

His ghosts are denizens of his own mind and his mind hates him. It hates him so much, and so all his ghosts come to judge him.

His sister is here to judge him too.

He has raised her son like Ah-Niang would have trained his shidis. He does not act like an uncle. Maybe that slimy and sly Jin Guangyao is a better uncle than he is. Jiang Cheng wouldn’t be surprised.

“Ah-Jie, I’m sorry,” he says and he is exhausted. That is all he ever feels like telling his ghosts. He couldn’t live up to their expectations when they lived and he still can’t now. He wants to cry, but he is dry. He thinks he may have have used up all his tears last when he had seen his mother. He cannot cry anymore. He does not think himself capable of it. “Ah-Jie, I can’t raise Jin Ling. I am trying, but I can’t. I cannot raise him like you would have. I am so sorry.”

He stays by the door, staring at his feet until he hears Jin Ling call for him. His sister is gone, just like he thought she would be. He sits by his nephew and Jin Ling sniffles and Jiang Cheng fears he will cry again. He doesn’t. Instead he holds out something in his left hand and Jiang Cheng takes it.

It is a pretty white stone, smoothened and sparkling and covered in tiny ripples of color.

“I’m sorry, Jiujiu, I’m sorry,” Jin Ling says. “I wanted to give you that stone.”

“I see,” Jiang Cheng says. He looks up from the stone and at Jin Ling who looks crestfallen. Jiang Cheng sighs and pockets it. Jin Ling’s eyes light up and Jiang Cheng’s heart aches.

Jin Ling is all he has left. Some little stone isn’t worth losing him. But Jiang Cheng doesn’t tell him that.

------o------

The ghosts never leave. They stay with Jiang Cheng wherever he goes. Even to meetings and when he goes to Lanling to pick up Jin Ling. They flit in and out of his vision. Sometimes they’re his cheerful shidis. But most of the time, they are his somber and solemn family members. The only one out of all them that ever smiles is his sister. But she always smiles at Jin Ling. Jiang Cheng thinks she tries to smile at him for the sake of it, because she is kind, but she doesn’t really want to.

After all, he can’t protect anything precious to her and he’s doing a horrible job of protecting and raising her son.

He’s trying. He swears to all the immortals that he’s trying.

He lets Jin Ling buy everything he wanted for the first night hunt he accompanied Jiang Cheng on. Jiang Cheng spoils the little kid rotten. At least he thinks he does. He loves him. He loves Jin Ling so much. He loves Jin Ling more than his sect, more than his life. Jin Ling could stab Jiang Cheng in the back and Jiang Cheng would still love the little brat.

He does threaten to break Jin Ling’s legs, but he thinks both Jin Ling and he know that it’s an empty threat by now.

Jiang Cheng has learned to ignore the ghosts, even when they sit in front of him when he eats or when he’s discussing things with another sect leader sitting right across from him. He can never actually see the sect leader, he always sees the ghost in front of him and he has learned to either stare straight ahead or study Zidian sitting on his finger.

Jin Ling knows something. He sometimes watches with concern when Jiang Cheng stares at the skirts of his sister turning a corner with a strange look on his face.

How stupid of him, He’d let his nephew in too close.

“Jiujiu, how do you know that that man wasn’t the Yiling Patriarch?” Jin Ling asks him, after another failure. Jiang Cheng stares down at Zidian and twists it around his finger, feeling sick.

“I just knew,” Jiang Cheng says softly. None of the men he has been hunting down have turned out to be Wei Wuxian, but he has to keep trying. His brother is going to come back, he knows it. After all, he hasn’t seen his brother’s ghost yet.

“Alright,” Jin Ling says, clearly wanting to push the issue, but deciding it would be more trouble than it’s worth, and going to find something with Fairy.

As soon as Jin Ling is gone, Jiang Cheng hears the laugh he hates the most in the world. He spins around, searching frantically, his blood pumping and his heart racing. He tries to tell himself that it’s in his head. It’s all in his head. It always is. The ghosts are all in his head.

He’s crazy. He’s crazy. He’s crazy. He’s-

“Jiang Cheng!” Wei Wuxian is sitting up in a tree. His smile big and stupid and he’s swinging his legs and is looking down at Jiang Cheng like nothing had ever changed between them and Jiang Cheng can’t breathe.

He killed my parents.

“What’s with that look on your face?” Wei Wuxian asks. He attempts to copy the look on Jiang Cheng face, but then just bursts out laughing instead. Jiang Cheng can’t breathe. He can’t move. Wei Wuxian is dressed in the purple garb of the YunmengJiang sect, his eyes twinkling and Suibian strapped to his side. He looks so happy.

He killed Ah-Jie.

“Why won’t you say anything, huh? Too grumpy?” Wei Wuxian asks. He’s talking, Jiang Cheng realizes belatedly. He is the first ghost to talk to him and Jiang Cheng still can’t breathe. He wants to to drag Wei Wuxian down from the tree and strangle him to death with Zidian and he also wants to hug him and cry and-

Jiang Cheng hates that. He hates himself. He hates Wei Wuxian.

Wei Wuxian laughs and it grates against Jiang Cheng’s ears. It’s the embodiment of everything that has ever gone wrong in his life and Jiang Cheng wants to block it out. He wants to stab his own ears to make the sound of his brother’s happiness go away.

He can’t breathe.

“You still can’t say anything to me?” Wei Wuxian’s voice is suddenly condensing and Jiang Cheng lashes out with Zidian before he can stop himself. The tree branch hits the ground, but Wei Wuxian materializes again right next to him

He’s in my head. He’s in my head. Go away. Get out.

“Get out!” Jiang Cheng erupts, using Zidian to cut away at Wei Wuxian again. “Go away! Leave me alone! I hate you! I hate you and the part of me that even knew you! Leave me alone!”

“What are you so afraid of?” Wei Wuxian asks. His laughter is echoing all around Jiang Cheng like he’s been surrounded by a multitude of giggling female corpses.

“Go away! Go away!” Jiang Cheng hates him. He hates him so much.

He has Chenqing, polishes it everyday, like a ritual and he hates it. He hates Wei Wuxian. He hates himself.

“Jiujiu?!”

Jiang Cheng freezes. He turns to see Jin Ling standing there with Fairy, looking terrified. Jiang Cheng had been using Zidian like he’s ripping through an army of fierce corpses but there are none. It’s just him and the forest. Wei Wuxian is behind him, his laughter still echoing in Jiang Cheng’s skull. Jin Ling’s eyes are wide as he takes in the condition of the clearing Jiang Cheng had been sitting in and brooding. His eyes are fixed on something behind Jiang Cheng and for a second Jiang Cheng is horrified, thinking that he can see the ghost of Wei Wuxian. But when he looks he realizes he has nearly burnt down an entire tree.

“No questions!” Jiang Cheng snaps and Zidian reverts to a normal ring. Wei Wuxian is still behind him.

He’s in my head. He’s in my head. I want to blot him out forever.

“But-” Jin Ling starts.

“If you speak another word about this, I’ll break your legs!” Jiang Cheng snaps.

Jin Ling nods furiously.

------o------

Surprisingly, Jiang Cheng never sees the ghost of Wei Wuxian again.

------o------

It’s been a year since Jiang Cheng saw Wei Wuxian’s ghost. The boy in front of Jiang Cheng is smiling stupidly and hiding behind Lan Wangji. Jiang Cheng doesn’t know this boy. He used Zidian on him and nothing happened. He doesn’t know him. But Jiang Cheng’s heart aches. He knows that stupid smile.

And the ghosts are all staring at the boy too.

------o------

A/N - Oh boy, this is gonna be one long author's note. So first of all, I'm not really sorry. I love Jiang Cheng and I love angst. Put those two together. Uh, not a very good combination. The title of the fic is from Billie Eilish's "Lovely". I was listening to it on loop as I wrote this and it fits Jiang Cheng in this fic so much!

Jiang Cheng is wonderfully constructed character. He is so messy and lost and broken that there's almost nothing left of him. I like to think his thoughts are in constant disarray and each thought contradicts another thought. So I wrote him like this. I love the Jiang family with everything in me. And I also genuinely believe that they all did love each other to a certain extent. (Not to excuse any of YZY or JFM's horrible parenting skills and horrible communication skills and very obvious child neglect, of course.) I took this fic and wrote it from Jiang Cheng's point of view, so there's a reason why I don't portray them as I usually would like to.

I may or may not have hinted that, 1. The ghosts are real and 2. Jin Ling can see the ghosts. Both are correct. However, a large part of what Jiang Cheng saw of the ghosts was in his own head. His conversation with Wei Wuxian, the interpretation of how his family saw him, that was all in his head. (I may want to write a Jin Ling sees ghosts AU, but that's a story for another time).

Lastly, thank you so much for @winter-desu for helping me with my Chinese terms and thank you to my absolutely beautiful and talented beta, my wifey @rest-in-bees. I have absolutely no confidence that information in this fic is correct. If you see any problems, please excuse me for I am ignorant. I hope you enjoyed the fic!

#sunny writes #mo dao zu shi #mdzs #the grandmaster of demonic cultivation #jiang cheng #this is pure angst #sorry #not sorry #please enjoy the pain #jc is not ok mentally or emotionally

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