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bunkahi · 5 months

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[MAJOR SPOILERS] up to the end of 6.0: Elidibus knew the future, and how translation harmed it's impact.

I posted this on twitter, but almost no one saw. As such I'm uploading it here, not only because I can go into more detail, but because I think this is one of the most important aspects to Elidibus' character that I never see anyone talk about.

Elidibus knew the future. This has been DIRECTLY stated since 2.55... but what you may not know is that this has been indirectly hinted at (more explicitly in Japanese) since Elidibus' first appearance in 2.1. In this sickly written 'essay,' I will be sharing with you all an incoherent babble of Elidibus' story, along with major changes in the English translation that diminish the legitimacy that he knew the future before becoming Zodiark.

Please note: Tl;dr version is at the bottom, for this post IS long. Tl;dr implores you to at least look at the images provided below.

Let us begin not at 2.1, but rather 5.3. The most important translation difference in my personal opinion. It is your climb up the crystal tower, and Elidibus stands before it's throne. As he awaits your arrival, he ponders the crystal in his hand. The crystal of the Exarch's memories... memories of a possible future.

For those who may not be able to see the images above, I will summarize the difference. While most of the translation is the same between Japanese and English, there is one major difference.

In both versions, Elidibus looks at the Crystal and calls it worthless. A possible future is the same as the past. It is fated to fray, fade, and disappear. In English he follows this with "Leaving naught but a gaping void..." Meanwhile, in Japanese he says "Within me as well... could such a thing have once dwelled, I wonder?" (keep in mind I'm trying to keep the translation here as exact as I can, including the awkward structure, as I want it to be easy for people to compare my translation to the original text.)

I think this is very... very interesting. While I, at times, adore Square Enix's liberties in translation (otherwise we would not have the absolute banger “The rains have ceased, and we have been graced with another beautiful day. But you are not here to see it.”), I think this was an interesting moment to take liberties.

What's done is done however, my main focus on this essay is not to criticize the translations though. It is just to inform what I believe is true about Elidibus' character. As such, I will no longer be addressing translation differences beyond providing them for context.

So let us move on to discuss the very interesting implications this has, using the short story "Ere Our Curtain Falls"

English version: "Will you not look at your crystal?" I asked.

When Elidibus was still Elidibus and Lahabrea still Lahabrea, we had collected all of our memories of the Fourteen and committed them to crystal, that those who would take our seats one day might learn. Elidibus would, I was sure, find much within to help him remember─yet he shook his head.

"I am Elidibus. So long as I remember my duty, that is enough. Aught else I would only lose again in the course of this timeless struggle...and if these memories are truly so precious, pray do not ask that I forget them twice."

The last part in Japanese: "I am Elidibus, and I remember what I need to do, and how to accomplish it. That is enough. Even if I remember this or that, I will lose it again in this continuing battle. If it is an important memory, don't make me forget over and over again."

(Link to Japanese story, which you can switch into English, at least on desktop, at the top right of the page)

Elidibus thinks a crystal that holds memories of a possible future is worthless... and he refuses to look at his own memory crystal... how interesting... very very interesting.

As a quick refresher of the important things that occur next: You fight Elidibus and put him in the crystal tower. The final days begins again. Left with no one else to turn to, we go to speak to Elidibus at the crystal tower. He remembers us in the past, and knows where he must send us... which is something that can only be done THANKS to him being sealed in the crystal tower.

And now I feel we can move on to OUR beginning of Elidibus, aka 2.1. Though there is a LOT of text that I feel should not have been altered, I only translated what I feel matters most to me. A specific piece of information that had it's implications completely altered, and the implications that Elidibus goes out of his way to TEACH Minfilia about the ascians.

(I will only transcribe the translation.)

"Was I not passed down in folklore? Well, it has been thousands of years since I last appeared in this world. Can't be helped. You all are the ones who defeated the priest of the abyss. I thought you understood a few things about us but...

We are immortal beings. When we posses a person, even should you destroy the dark crystal, our existence won't be destroyed.

I am the mediator. I have no desire to fight you all. Today, I came only to tell you that. Let us meet again."

Kiiiiind of strange that he would just casually tell us that they can't be defeated like that. What is there to gain in giving away such a secret? Perhaps he's cocky... or perhaps there's more.

to recap what matters in the next patch, 2.2: The sahagins are preparing to summon Leviathan. Y'shtola spies on them, and hears them speak of how they're going to ascend in power (a parallel to things Elidibus said to Minfilia.) We decide to investigate, and witness the Sahagin priest ascend into "immortality," before watching his essence be absorbed within Leviathan, with him questioning why the emissary/white robed one seemed to have tricked him.

Now keep in mind, before this patch, it's already established that Lahabrea is the one to promote primal summonings, AND that Lahabrea is back. What reason would Elidibus have to no only promote the summoning of Leviathan, but to risk teaching immortality to the Sahagin priest, especially when he KNOWS the scions are in direct opposition to not only to the ascians but to primals? And for this to be one of the first things he does, after thousands of years of not appearing in our world, and AFTER he approaches Minfilia to speak of seemingly only non-sense. What, oh what could be the purpose?

"My power... it's being taken... I'm being absorbed by the great water god? Did I... not become... immortal? White robed one... what... is this?!"

It is thanks to this "slip" in Elidibus' decision making that we learn that the ascians are in fact NOT immortal. They are simply beings of aether that have not dispersed. They can be ABSORBED within something, and when that something is destroyed, they don't return. It is directly thanks to Elidibus doing this that we learn not only how to defeat him and his brothers... but also that we can seal him away in the crystal tower.

Surely this is just coincidence, right? There's just no way. Clearly this is all set up to be a piece of sad, tragic irony right?

I take us now to the very final cutscene of 2.55. Though there are differences in translation, I find them mostly negligible. As such I will speak referencing the English translation.

The final cutscene features Lahabrea and Elidibus. Elidibus appears within Lahabrea's shadow to speak of Nabiales' death before the camera changes, placed in a cage and peering into the other side where Lahabrea and Elidibus stand. The bars of the cage separate them, though the darkness makes it hard to see.

Elidibus says that the warrior of light is becoming too strong. That they must make haste to stop them. He suggests Lahabrea head to the northern lands, and Lahabrea agrees and departs.

Urianger appears from the dark behind Elidibus, wishing to know why he has been summoned. To which, Elidibus says the he wishes to speak of fate.

Now why does he do this? As a reminder of what comes next: We defeat Lahabrea, Igeyorhm, and Thordan. This leads to there being no calamity on the source ready to absorb the 1st after it succumbs to light, and the Garleans having access to Azys Lla, meaning they have direct access to the warring triad.

All of this happens at the very end 3.0. However, this conversation between Urianger and Elidibus happens in 2.55. Even should you try to argue that it doesn't take place exactly when it's shown to us, it does HAVE to happen before the mid point of 3.0 at a minimum considering Lahabrea is obviously alive in this cutscene, and more than likely happens before you cross the bridge into Ishgard.

The only thing left to truly note when it comes to this topic is that all of this is reinforced in 3.1 with cutscenes in the Great Gubal Library (2nd to last cutscene of the patch)

"This is thy proof? The Gerun Oracles? Apocrypha."

"Our fates were ordained long ago, Archon. The Garleans are no exception. Nor the Triad. You know what must be done.

In conclusion, Elidibus knew Lahabrea would fail, and that he would need Urianger for not only the warring triad, but to get Minfillia to stop the flood of the first. It was a fate ordained long ago, for we are in a soft timeloop.

Now you may ask, how can you explain him knowing to do this despite his memory loss? If this is all the case, why does he fight us at the crystal tower so genuinely? To be blunt, I cannot give you a direct answer, outside of what is stated above. Elidibus seems to know on SOME level 'some' kind of goal. Specifically saying "I know what I need to do, and how to accomplish it."

Does he directly state what this goal is? No. Ultimately everything above can only be counted as speculation, but personally, I am of the mentality of "why show us this if it's not meant to mean something? Why does Elidibus do something that has already been established as another character's role? Why would THIS be the first thing he does in our world for thousands of years? Why have a character do this if it's not meant to mean something? Especially when THIS something (teaching immortality) leads to the DIRECT consequence of being sealed in the crystal tower, which is our ONLY way to go THAT far into the past to know about Meteion?"

When did he learn the future? That also would be speculation, but as Emet-Selch states, the memory crystals were made before the Zodiark's summoning. If they are truly eluding to his crystal holding memories of a possible future, and the Japanese version of Ere Our Curtain Falls specifically states that he's been losing himself and his memories since the moment he fell from Zodiark to help the convocation, then chances are high it's before the summoning. Who told him would be pure speculation, but the most likely answer is either Venat, Azem, or the Warrior of Light. And before anyone brings this up, no, I do not believe the writers are going to drop every character related to Zodiark and Hydaelyn just because we're moving on to a new chapter. The consequences of the past will continue into the future. While the ancients may no longer be the FOCUS of the story, I doubt we're never going to see them or interact with the past ever again. They will more than likely be explored further in side content ([SPOILERS FROM DAWN TRAIL TRAILER] given Solution 9 has text in Proto-Alphabet, aka the alphabet of the ancients... yeah... um... don't think our explorations related to the ascians and the past are over.) [SPOILERS OVER]

Now, I still haven't worked on translating 4.X, so I will make no comments towards it and any information it might hold in terms of Japanese Elidibus' views on not only the world, but of the future. Perhaps when I have time to translate it I will make a follow up post. I will also be posting some of my smaller translations from twitter to tumblr in time.

Tl;Dr: Elidibus thinks a crystal of a possible future is worthless. He refuses to look at his own crystal. Because his crystal was made before the sundering, he knew the future at least before that point.

Elidibus taught us indirectly how to seal away ascians, and summons Urianger to help him before there is even a CHANCE of knowing he'd need him unless he knew the future.

With this in mind, it's clear to me that Elidibus guided our path into sealing him into the crystal tower so that he could make the time portal and secure the soft timeloop we're in. Though chances are HIGH this is all subconscious the entire time because of memory loss.

Thank you for coming to my Elidibus Talk.

#ffxiv #ff14 #final fantasy xiv #final fantasy 14 #ffxiv spoilers #ff14 spoilers #Elidibus #Themis #ffxiv Themis #Final Fantasy 14 spoilers #Final Fantasy FFXIV Spoilers

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journeywynter · 1 year

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Home

Pairing: GeorgeNotFound x Reader

Song Inspiration: Hey There Delilah - Plain White Tees

Category: Fluff

Word Count: 3,766

Warnings: Not proofread. Swearing, I think, really just the use of damn if that counts?

Summary: Take a look into Y/n and George's relationship between late-night calls and long-distance talks before George finally receives his visa and is able to meet the person he's loved through a screen all these years for the first time.

A/n: Timeline might not really match up but this is all fiction so it's okay. This isn't the fic I wanted to post but I wanted to put something else out there and the one I'm working on is a lot longer than I anticipated and taking a lot longer to work out than I thought. I hope you enjoy!

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Hey there, Delilah, what's it like in New York City?

I'm a thousand miles away, but girl, tonight you look so pretty, yes you do

Time's Square can't shine as bright as you

I swear it's true

"How has everything been? Are you doing alright? Did you sleep enough?" George questions through the phone. Just barely did he let me get a simple 'hi' in before he began his assault. Not that I mind it much, it's nice knowing how much he cares. It makes up for the fact that I can never see him face-to-face. I've offered to fly out to him but he's refused time and time again. Something about not being sure he'd be able to let me leave if we met before he finally moves to the states. I think really he's a bit scared but I'd never push him if he is, so I just accept his excuse. Still, it doesn't make it easier, especially not with our five hour time difference. It makes catching each other difficult and sometimes I just miss his voice.

"I'm perfectly fine, no need to worry about me. How are you? You just got done recording with Dream and Sapnap, yeah? How'd that go? Have you gotten anything to eat or drink yet?" Listen, I never said I wasn't just as bad as he was, I could be far worse though. He gets so into his recordings and streams he'll go long periods of time without drinking any water or eating any meals, let alone a snack. I'd rather like it if our first time meeting wasn't because I'm rushing out there on a whim because the man doesn't take care of himself.

"Yeah, yeah, I took care of myself today, love. No need to worry about all that." He reassures me, which honestly does very little because I know his version of taking care of one's self, but I choose to trust him this once. "Have I told you that you look positively stunning today?" It comes from his mouth, smooth as butter, yet I imagine he spent some time rehearsing those words. I doubt it was to a mirror, but I find the image in my head hilarious so I don't bother with asking him how it was practiced.

"Really? I'm just getting back from a day out vlogging and I'm sweating and disgusting."

"You never look disgusting to me." He's quick to say, almost too quick, maybe I'm more predictable than I like to imagine.

"Oh yes, I'm sure," I muse with a smirk, "I don't doubt you would be saying that even if I was covered completely head to toe in mud."

"I don't think you ever could not look perfect to me. I'd stare at you over any shiny lights any day."

"Even Times Square?" I question him. Times Square all lit up has to be hands down the most beautiful thing I could fathom. The city itself is an entirely different situation. Though I love it, even with it being a bit run down, it tells a story and it's lived in. It's a mixing pot of all different types of people, all willing to share a chapter of their life with you if you dare to ask. The people you see, the places that are loved, the lights of the city are the definition of beauty.

"Times Square could never compare to you."

-----------------

Hey there, Delilah, don't you worry about the distance

I'm right there if you get lonely, give this song another listen, close your eyes

Listen to my voice, it's my disguise

I'm by your side

I've had a horrible week. The video I was set to put out tomorrow got corrupted, the files all got damaged somehow as well, something I can't seem to fix. The audio on my back up videos is gone. It's just not there at all and I can't exactly just do a voice-over for them. I promised I'd have something out and I know it's not a huge deal, I'm sure everyone that watches would understand, yet I can't help but feel like I'd be disappointing them.

I had a fight with my parents, they've never particularly liked how I make my living. They thought I'd grow out of it by now and gotten a 'real job' and I had thought after all this time, they'd see it's far more than just a hobby to me and at least start trying to understand. It's my passion, I couldn't imagine ever doing anything else with my life, this is where I'm meant to be.

And I can't even talk to George today to make it any better. Tommy is streaming and one of the people he originally had with him, Jack Manifold, had to drop out for some personal reasons. George being the friend he is, stepped in to fill the place. I don't blame him, obviously, it's so sweet that he'd drop all his plans to support his friends, it just sucks a bit.

That's why, instead of being productive like I should be and trying to figure out my problems, I decided to join the stream half way through. If I can't talk to him personally, at least I'll be able to hear his voice. It's always comforting. It's almost nice even to hear Tommy's obnoxiously loud voice accompanying him as well.

"So, George, I do have to thank you for coming. You weren't meant to be doing anything important, right?" He overplays it for the audience, almost like he's joking, perhaps even being condescending, like George has nothing going on for himself, but being friends with Tommy allows you to see past the ruse. He genuinely hopes he hadn't pulled George away from anything.

"It's good. I was meant to be talking to my girlfriend but she understood. She actually almost forced me to show up for you when I tried telling her if she needed me then I'm sure you'd be able to find someone else to step in."

"Ah, how's she doing? How are you guys doing? what with the distance and all?" We hadn't told anyone aside from from close friends, Tommy being one of them, that we were together. Everyone else knows that we're both in relationships, respectfully, but not a lot of information aside from that is known to the public.

"She's good, she's got some big plans coming up that she's excited about, been working on them for awhile now. I don't like to delve into anything but she's great. I really think she's the one. I haven't told her that yet, but I do think she's it for me."

And just like that, without even knowing it, he made one of the worst days I've had by far into one of the best.

Oh it's what you do to me.

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Hey there, Delilah, I know times are getting hard

But just believe me, girl, someday I'll pay the bills with this guitar, we'll have it good

We'll have the life we knew we would

My word is good

Hey there, Delilah, I've got so much left to say

If every simple song I wrote to you would take your breath away

I'd write it all

Even more in love with me, you'd fall

We'd have it all

It's been harder than ever, recently, finding time to interact with George. Our careers are blowing up more than ever, we have more of a responsibility now and we're feeling the pressure of producing content like we're robots only programmed to push out video after video, stream after stream. I love this, it's what I've always wanted, but I think a break is in order soon.

It's weighing on my relationships, my family, my friends, and even with George. We send good morning and good night texts every day, yes, but it's starting to feel disingenuous when that's all we ever say. I just wish there was time to properly interact, have genuine conversations where we talk about our aspirations and not just surface-level fixations. I'd like to not talk about the next time we're scheduled for a video just this once.

It doesn't help that I started college, just as a fail-safe. Really a compromise to get my parents off my back for the time being. The classes have been adding to my never-ending pile of stress. I love the course I'm taking and I'm actually glad that I decided to go through with it, if for nothing other than it being something I'm interested in, but that doesn't mean the long classes with hours of homework haven't been hell.

Maybe I'm happy, for once, that all this has stacked up on me, otherwise, I probably would have missed the text that only proved that maybe, just maybe, all of this wasn't for nothing and proved that my relationship wouldn't crash and burn either.

Hey Y/n, we haven't really had the time to talk, not recently at least. I just wanted to remind you that I'm still here if you need me, I'm not leaving. I'm not good with talking about how I'm feeling and that gets in the way oftentimes, but I'm happy you're in my life. I love you.

Yeah, George and I will be just fine.

Oh, it's what you do to me

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A thousand miles seems pretty far

But they've got planes, and trains, and cars

I'd walk to you if I had no other way

Our friends would all make fun of us

And we'll just laugh along because

We know that none of them have felt this way

"So, Y/n, seems like you've been spending a lot of time on the phone recently. Any particular reason?" Dream asked, a teasing smirk pulling at his lips. The same type of smirk that told me he knew damn well what was going on already.

Not like he doesn't know about George and me, it's just we have been spending more time talking on call recently. I think it's just because everything's finally slowed down for the both of us a bit. I decided to take a temporary break from videos. I do the occasional stream but since I just finished my first year of college, I think I just needed time to recuperate so I didn't completely burn myself out. It was taken extremely well by the public, everyone seemed so understanding. Of course, there are a few bad apples that felt entitled but the overwhelming positivity drowned that all out.

And George, while he hasn't gone on a break, has decided the rate at which he was shoveling out content was getting unhealthy and has reigned it in a bit. He's worked his schedule around so that he's not pushing himself to stream so much and he's no longer pushing himself to record so many videos at once, whether alone or for others.

It seems like we've finally had an opportunity to reconnect properly and it's been refreshing. Like the first breath of fresh air after being cooped up inside for weeks on end. Or the first sip of a hot drink on a day so cold you feel your face going numb.

"Oh Dream, don't you worry, I'm sure you'll get your boyfriend back soon. Can't go ruining our precious DNF, now can I?" I poke fun at their fanbases' favorite pastime, shipping the two creators.

"Oh come on, as if. It's like you're obsessed." He retaliated, jokingly/

"Yes, I'm obsessed. I'm head over heels, somebody please catch me, I might faint." I say monotonously, not that my statement is far off from the truth. I really have fallen for the brunette, more than I'd like to admit. I don't exactly do a very good job keeping it hidden from him anyway.

There's a silence for a moment, one where it feels like it's just teetering between deciding if it wants to be comfortable or not, before the two of us burst into our own fits of giggles. Nothing said was all that funny, but each time we'd go to calm down, we'd fall right back into laughter given the smallest glance at the other. Using the other as support, I straighten up from my hunch position on Dream's couch. The only reason I'm here is that recently he asked George, Sapnap, and me to move in with him. Sapnap was here the very next day, I had taken a little bit more time before deciding there was no harm in joining the, though nobody would know I'd moved in with them until George also moved in at least. Unfortunately, George is still waiting on his damn visa and it seems like he'll be waiting for a while longer.

"I'm happy for you," Dream suddenly sobers up real quick, a serious expression covering his typically relaxed face, "the both of you. I've known you both a long time, I don't think I've ever seen either of you happier than when you got together."

"Thank you, Dream. That means a lot, especially coming from you." I admit. "And don't worry, I'm sure you'll find someone else, too. As much as I love DNF, George is mine. You'll have to find a new boyfriend." I jab at him, effectively lighting the mood again.

Delilah, I can promise you

That by the time that we get through

The world will never, ever be the same

And you're to blame

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Hey there, Delilah, you be good and don't you miss me

Two more years and you'll be done with school

And I'll be making history like I do

You'll know it's all because of you

We can do whatever we want to

Hey there, Delilah, here's to you

This one's for you

"How is college?" George and I have been on the phone for a little over an hour, having a video date night thing. We're watching the Harry Potter movies in order together like we've done a million times before, while in our pj's with some snacks. This is how a lot of our 'date nights' are and I wouldn't trade these moments together for anything other than being able to do this with him in person.

"They're good. I'm halfway done, about to start my third of four years." I reply, my attention only half on him as the other half is watching Harry as he's confronted with Sirius Black in the Shrieking Shack, probably my favorite scene from my favorite installment of the movie series, "Two more years and I'll finally be out of there. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful to have had this experience. I'm really glad that I went to college even if I'm not going to be using my degree any time soon, if ever. But it'll be nice to put my YouTube career back into full swing again. And then maybe I'll be able to really play a part in the history you, Dream, and Sapnap are making for the Twitch and YouTube platforms. You guys are making serious waves right now"

"I wouldn't say we're 'making history' per se, but I do realize how big we've gotten. It's crazy how fast it all happened, we all got so lucky. I appreciate all the support we've gotten, I really wish there was a way for me to show it the way I want to but everything feels a bit forced."

"Don't worry, if anyone will be able to figure it out, it'll be you. Just give it some time and I'm sure it'll work itself out. It probably feels forced because it is forced." I reassure him, trying my best to comfort him with just my words. He seems to lighten up a bit, which means I can only hope he'll take my advice.

For a while, we both turn back to our respective TV screens, we're at the part where it's just been revealed that Scabbers, Ron's rat, had been Peter Pettigrew all along. I still remember the shock that ran through my body the first time I watched the movie. Now, I just get angry knowing one of my favorite characters won't be set free and will remain a fugitive. Some say I get too attached to fictional characters, I'd say I'm healthily sentimental and I just think Remus Lupin and Sirius Black deserved better than they received.

Third Person POV

Y/n became so focused on the movie, the anticipation still eating her alive whether or not she know the outcome, that she doesn't even notice George had turned his gaze from the screen to her face on his phone. She's unaware of his thought, all of which revolve around the h/c girl. How he wishes to be there with her, how he wants to finally hold her in his arms and kiss her head when she gets worked up over Pettigrew's escape. How he wants to hold her hand, rubbing his thumb over her knuckles soothingly when she tightens them too hard into a fist to control her anger over something as silly as a movie.

But that won't be happening, not yet at least. She hadn't realized it then, but that was when George decided he'd do whatever it takes to be there, in America, with his lover and his best friends. That's where he belonged. As much as he loves his where he grew up, no matter how much he loves London and the UK, he knows home is wherever they are.

---------------------

Two years later:

Oh, it's what you do to me,

Oh, it's what you do to me.

Y/n finally finished college, which had become easier over the past two years, believe it or not. She was currently getting ready for her graduation ceremony. She and George hadn't talked very much the past couple of days over both being mutually busy. He did know of her ceremony taking place today, she had told him a month prior when she found out the date herself, and he took time to call her briefly to wish her congratulations, making a poor joke about not tripping up while walking across the stage.

Unbeknownst to Y/n, George had gotten his visa, just about a week or so prior. Having known of her graduation ceremony was coming up, he decided he'd surprise her instead of letting her know he was coming. Everything had been extremely rushed, booking the flight for the day before her graduation to make sure he would arrive with enough time to actually be able to show to her graduation. Sapnap had picked him up last night from the hotel room and brought him to a nearby hotel to their house, to his soon-to-be home, while Dream kept Y/n occupied.

Now, he was rushing to get to the predecided spot that Dream and Sapnap chose to lure Y/n to for the big surprise. He was running shaky hands through his hair every few moments as he tapped his foot against the pavement. He'd say, usually, he's pretty good about concealing his anxiety but something about this girl just had him constantly falling apart in the best way possible.

Focusing on his breathing, trying to steady it into even breaths, he heard the sounds of steps growing nearer. Peaking his head up, he saw his two best friends body blocking someone from his view, though more so they were trying to block him from their view.

"Okay, seriously guys, what is going on? You barely gave me time to say goodbye to my friends and thank my professors one last time before almost yanking my arm out of its socket to drag me off!" He heard the voice his only ever heard over static phone calls before and his heart almost stopped. If it wasn't for the fact he could feel his pulse in his skull, he's sure he just might have dropped dead.

"Calm down, this was important. We're gonna step away now, the floor's all your's." Sapnap retaliated before he and dream removed their forms from in front of the girl, breaking their little human shield. Finally seeing the girl face to face, cap and gown and all, had his heart-stopping. It might be crazy but he swears she looks even better in person than she did over the phone, which he swore up and down to be impossible.

It seems like he wasn't the only one in disbelief, the only difference is her's was planned on his end, as all she could do was stare. Was this real? Had she just dreamt up everything she could have hoped for just to open her eyes and be disappointed?

"Dream, pinch me." The h/c haired girl spoke up after some beats of silence.

"What?!"

"I said, 'Dream, Pinch me.' Now do it before I wake up." She demanded, only half expecting him to actually do it so it completely caught her off guard when he did. "Ouch!"

"You told me to pinch you!"

"I know, and I appreciate it, thank you." She gently thank him before swiftly turning back towards George and flinging herself onto him. Her legs wrapped around his waist as her arms made their home around his neck, squeezing him almost to the point of suffocation, not that he minded.

"It's really you. Five years of being with you, many more years of being your friend, all online. Through a screen. And now you're here." She sobbed out into the crook of his neck, taking a deep breath of his scent, willing it to her memory as she was sure she would for everything involving him.

"I'm here, love. I'm not going anywhere not. I'm with you, I'm home." He reassures, whispering sweet nothings into her ear until her breathing begins to steady out and he can feel her wiping her face with the palms of her hands before pulling back, gently unwrapping her legs from his waist to touch the rough ground on her tiptoes, never truly leaving his hold.

"It's really you." She whispers once more, carefully cupping his face between her two hands, so soft you'd assume she was scared to break him like he was made out of porcelain.

"It's really me and it's really you. Just like it should be." He leans down himself, tilting his head a bit to the side, his lips stopping an inch or so from her own.

"Can I kiss you, love?" She swears she can feel her heart stop at his question, eyes shoot up to his excitedly before rapidly bobbing her head up and down.

"I've waited five years for this moment, if you don't kiss me now I'll go insane."

And just like that, their lips finally connected. For the first time in half a decade, they were in the arms of the person they'd loved for so long. The butterflies erupted in both their stomachs as the heat raised to both of their cheeks. George's blush is far more than noticeable to bystanders but neither has a care to give. Not when they're finally home.

Oh, it's what you do to me,

Oh, it's what you do to me.

#georgenotfound x reader #georgenotfound x y/n #gnf x reader #gnf x you #georgenotfound #gnf

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ilbenmalpensanteus · 5 months

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It's funny how ss fans can be wrong even when they are... right. Yes, I'm not contradicting myself.

As you all can see thanks to the pics I posted, one of them was "talking" (read: whining) about how ss has mythology references as well.

Well, I won't denying it.

Saying otherwise could be 1. false, 2. wrong, 3. hypocrite, 4. honestly against my very line of work.

However, I would like to point out something:

Ninigi has, indeed, similiarities with Sasuke, such as:

a. his "connection" with Amaterasu

b. kusanagi

c. he will marry Sakura

But. The similiarities end here.

Now, that could be hardly casual given Kishimoto's clear knowledge of mythology, history and literature; however, aside from the marriage and the sakura flower, the similiarities between Sakura and Sakuya-hime, instead, stop here.

Thinking he could have used this specific, eventual, references to mark Sasuke and Sakura's relationship as a romantic one is ontologically wrong.

Why? For the genericity of the references, obviously.

Amaterasu and Kusanagi are two milestones of Japanese mythology and one can find them in several legends, related to very different characters.

Secondly, the comparison between Sakura and Konohana Sakuya-hime isn't flattering.

She was the usual empty, batshit crazy woman who burned the hut with their children inside to prove she didn't cheat on him.

You can find it in every, single, version of the myth. The girl was not fine.

The usage of fire as well: great, really, but a fuckton of japanese deities are fire-repellent, so it's like to say... nothing spectacular?

Now, about the "sources" they shared:

Aside from the one pic with Kaguya (totally out of the blue, I would say, given I only stated sun and moon symbolism are often associated with sexual intercourses or lovers), we have:

- Sakura and Sasuke's name on the sand (probably written by Sakura, don't know why this is relevant.

- Sasuke with kusanagi (that's okay) and snakes: here the snakes are clearly the focal point. But why? Was Ninigi associated with snakes?

- The cover with Sakura wearing a sakura-flowered dress and while holding the Uchiwa fan.

The last one specifically is... interesting because: where is the deep references? The flowers? That's the girl's name. The fan? It seems more like another sign of Sakura crushing on Sasuke and writing "Sakura Uchiha" on her notebook while giggling.

So, the point is:

If you want to make an analysis you need:

1. real sources (not photos already crafted to prove your ss point) - btw, I gave actual books, but they refused to take them in consideration;

2. to use images consistently.

Here a summarised analysis:

Shinjū is a Japanese term meaning "double suicide". Lovers committing double suicide believed that they would be united again in heaven. It was also possible for lovers to commit a murder-suicide (muri-shinjū).

This is a clear example of Shinjū's reference:

Here, we have:

- the will to die together

- the hope they will meet again in the afterlife

- the "connection of hearts" (from the very term's meaning and the context)

Here the sources:

1. Becker, Buddhist Views of Suicide and Euthanasia, Philosophy East and West

2. Takahashi, Cultural dynamics and the unconscious in suicide in Japan

3. Leupp, Male Colors: The construction of homosexuality in Tokugawa Japan

4. Heldt, Between followers and friends: male homosocial desire in Heian Court Poetry

5. Saikaku Ihara, Love of Comrades

6. Saikaku Ihara, The Great Mirror of male love

7. Rogers, She loves me, she loves me not. Shinju and Shikido Okagami

8. Heine, Tragedy and Salvation in the Floating World

THIS is a sensible reference. And a very small analysis.

And a parallelism.

Bye :)

PS Tumblr fucked up the pics order (sorryyyy)

#sns #naruto analysis #anti sasusaku stans #anti sasusaku #japanese mythology #literature

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grinfodoro-reblogs-corral · 6 months

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UPDATE: SLOT CLOSED! However I'm planning to open some actual commission, so if you're interested keep an eye on that!

They announced mod support for Shovel Knight Pocket Dungeon and I have a few ideas in mind, but it's Steam exclusive and I only own the Switch version of the game. So!

-Half-body fully shaded for either a copy of the game or a Steam Card of 25 dollars (I'm European, the converted prices should check up)

Examples [ft. Glitch (1rst image) by @bee-knightofscreams and Pen Pen by @shinycocolu ]

CAN DRAW: Human, anthro, object-heads, robots, and OCs/characters from different media! (Included but not exclusive to: Shovel Knight, Cuphead, Pokemon, etc. Ask me about more for info if you need)

CAN'T DRAW: Complex/too colurful designs (again ask if unsure), and while I usually decide the posing I won't make and refuse to make hateful, political, ambigous/NSFW art

I'll work on the piece *after* the payment is done: prices are the ones aformentioned and because PD and cards have a set price those can't be changed. I CANNOT accept other kinds of payment at the moment.

I'll try finish it as soon as possible, shouldn't take more than a week but keep in mind I also have stuff like uni so if it takes a bit more, please bare with me. You can ask about progress/snipets of the art.

It's NOT first comes first served, and I'll edit the post once/if slots are closed (for now it's just one)

All the art if made traditionally, colored pencils to be exact

DM in private or in the comments if interested, show me the character you would like art for and if it's all good then the deal is up! Reblog or share this if you know someone else who is interested

#Griff's chatters #art commisions #shovel knight #shovel knight pocket dungeon

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murumokirby360 · 4 months

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Title: Another 90s Camera: Olympus Camedia C-2000 Z

DeviantART Version [CLICK ME!]

Hello, January! Sorry for the long delay, though. Because I have a lot of things that happened at the beginning of 2024. And GOOD NEWS, I've bought something that makes my PC bring back to LIFE, after 7 months of being inactive (since Jun 9th, 2023)! 🖥️🔧😀 Although I'm still working on the topic, maybe I'll submit it this Feb 2024! 😁

Right now, it's time for my 1st throwback item share of 2024, with this neat-old camera (as my improvise).🙂

• Here's another '90s camera, this is the Olympus Camedia C-2000 Z 📷 inherited from my late grandpa named Jim, who passed away on Jun 6th, 2020 owing to complications, as well as the victim of the COVID-19 virus. Once again, R.I.P, grandpa Jim. 😔⚱️🥀 Believe it or not, I used this '90s camera for submitting on dA, back in Jan 2010. 🙂📸🖼️

Here are my snapshots from the 2010s, so far using the 90s Olympus cam: ○ Jan. 4th, 2010 #1 - [CLICK ME!] ○ Jan. 4th, 2010 #2 - [CLICK ME!] ○ Jan. 19th, 2010 - [CLICK ME!]

BTW: #1: All these three we're stored to my dA private storage, but at least I've already posted on tumblr, couple of years ago.

(and) #2: Also, picturing & submitting these photos on whole "January" calendar was utterly coincidence. 😊📸

1st & 2nd Image(s) [took photos on Jan 19th, 2023]: ↑

• Anyways, the 90s Olympus cam possessed 2.1 megapixels of camera 📷✌️, which was pretty clear & and crisp at the time. However, as of 2024, it is considered a pretty low megapixel that no other modern high-quality companies make that, anymore. 🤷‍♀️ Except for cheap gadgets, of course. And when you compare to your (flagship/mid-range) smartphones 📱/digital cameras 📷 that possessed a whopping 150+ Megapixels, and sometimes 200+ megapixels for the Pro-DSLR camera brands 📷🖼️ speaks volumes to the consumers. It was simply an evolution of the camera lens. Today, like the brick phones from the 90s, the 90s cameras we're now a relic status of the past, meaning no one's using them, anymore due to outdated hardware. They now act as a throwback collection, which simply refuses to throw the trash 🚯, like this ancient 90s Olympus camera. 📷🫳 But hey, if your 90s camera still functions, then you're lucky to used it, but please be careful. 😉

• So, what about the "Olympus" 🇯🇵📷 brand? What happened? Are they still producing cameras? 🤔 Well, according to "quora.com", quote "Olympus has announced in June 2020 that it is selling its camera division to Japan Industrial Partners (JIP) and will exit the camera business altogether. The sale to JIP was completed in January 2021, and the new company created from the sale is called OM Digital Solutions." This means the Olympus camera brand is already off the camera wars; with Canon, Sony, and other Japanese camera brands still running the camera business. However, the Smartphone cameras became more advanced than the old-style digital cams. Here's hoping, that the digit cams will have the same treatment, or maybe still be around in case the smartphone's camera pixels weren't enough, in terms of the raw image.📷🤞

3rd & 4th Image(s) [Took photos on Jan 29th, 2024]: ↑

• Uh yeah, I forgot that the camera includes a soft case fitting for this model. And look, my paper dolls were delighted to see a throwback camera & they wanted a snapshot using it. 🙂📸 Yeah, but it's no longer working 📷❌, and I tried (using 4 Eneloop AA Batteries) 🔋🔋🔋🔋🤷‍♀️. So much so, that I decided to pretend to take snapshots with the old cam while taking photos with my actual camera from my current smartphone (Honor 8C). Was that a coincidence? 🤔 I'm not so sure 😅, but they're delighted. 😊

Well, that’s the end of my topic, more things to come this 2024. 😊

And if you want to see my Yearend Items Summary - 2023, then please → [CLICK ME!].

Tagged: @lordromulus90, @bryan360, @carmenramcat, @leapant, @paektu, @rafacaz4lisam2k4, @alexander1301

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chumpovodir · 9 months

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it pleases me to know that even when CoD was newly released and relevant, hector/julia as a ship never caught on, as far as i'm aware. like we all collectively agreed that julia being a clone of rosaly and the ending implying them getting together was just "ehhh no :/"

having said that, let me now propose a slightly different take on their relationship post-CoD that i alluded to in this previous post - the gist of it is they don't hate each other per se, but they simply cannot stand to be around the other, bc of all the unaddressed grief and baggage

they both lost isaac, who was very dear to them, complicated feelings aside. they have that much in common and you might think they would bond over that shared grief, but imo it also works against them growing closer, at least at the start:

you've got hector on one hand who is met with the image of his (very recently) deceased wife every time he looks at julia. and to add insult to injury, bc they were siblings, julia has so much of the same mannerisms isaac once had - the same sharp wit and scathing remarks, the same dark sense of humor. just wearing rosaly's sweet, ingenuous visage. can you imagine how jarring that must be? this woman, for all her help, must be like a living, breathing version of his own personal hell, a constant reminder of everything he's lost. (and then that idea just brings up feelings that maybe this is what he deserves for his role in a genocide. the constant remorse and inadequacy in ever being able to truly make up for it)

and i think even though julia was the one to ask, practically beg hector to kill her brother, i have to wonder if she can truly not hold any resentment against him, after finding out he had the ability to break the curse by the time he confronted isaac. couldn't hector have at least tried to save him? and knowing what they know now, if hector just. held back a little sooner, subdued isaac instead of trying to kill him outright, then dracula would've never resurrected! he could have saved everyone the trouble! but because he just had to have his revenge--

not to mention, i always wondered if she ever felt...less important, compared to hector. she knows that isaac always respected hector, and i can't think of any other way she'd have that information unless isaac told her enough. then there's constantly having to move to avoid the witch hunts, while her brother and his boytoy friend are both safe and cared for in castlevania. ofc, we don't know whether she was ever offered the same choice to stay and simply refused, but it must hurt to think isaac wouldn't even stick around for her sake, leaving her to fend for herself.

and they both know, perfectly well, that the other is blameless for how they each feel. it's just an awful situation where two lives were wasted for nothing, and two more ruined as a result.

(....and in the middle of all this is trevor, who is just trying to. y'know. not die)

#anyway this is why i *need* them to be whisked away by trevor #they're no good for each other even as friends at this point #i like to think that julia and sypha become friends since they're both witches. and eventually julia confides in her #and she helps jules process her grief #we were all having fun with a scenario where alucard wakes up post-CoD to kick hectors ass but now im seriously considering a hc around thi #not just the ass kicking part. but more alucard waking up bc of all the shit went down and him looking for his friends #to make sure they're ok and figure out wtf happened #then him and hec meet up again and they kinda help each other out in a similar way #maybe this is all too schmoopy but it kills me to think hec and jules have to go on hiding their grief over isaac bc he was the villain #castlevania #castlevania curse of darkness #castlevaniaposting

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liminalgoddessworld · 2 months

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I did a strange and new thing today

If you click any of the links in this post you'll be able to download the Autumn - Go Within booklet, and I really hope you enjoy flipping through and using it as much as I enjoyed making it and will enjoy using it.

Many weeks ago I put together a seasonal planner. I hated it. It was nothing like the vision I had in my head. It was generic and uninspired and if I'm honest, I was ashamed of it because I knew it was not the planner that was calling for me to design it. It was the planner I thought people would want to buy, not the planner I wanted to make.

After talking about it to anyone who would listen, billing it as the next great billionaire-maker and my life's greatest work rolled into one, I abandoned it. By it I mean that draft, not the desire to design a text-based companion for intentional seasonal living, which is what brought me here.

So there I was, badly wanting to create the thing I held in my head as the perfect life-planning document for women like me (don't ask, there are not enough words in the world), yet feeling limited in my ability to do so by having to ask questions like Will other people like it? Will they pay for it? - and having to make sure that the answer is a resounding yes.

I couldn't do it.

I couldn't bring myself to care more about what other people would think than about making the documents I want to make. I want to care more about money because capitalism is a bitch and I actually haven't got it like that yet. I want to design a planner that will put every other planner out there to shame, that will sell out online and at Typo and EB, but as much as I want that (I mean, I'm not gonna lie) I want to design and develop the documents I want more. I want to partner with other women and bring shared creative visions to life. I want us all to live the lives we really want to live, not the lives capitalism forces upon us.

So I started over, following my intuition and expecting nothing, and the thing I ended up creating is this.

A booklet that supports intentional living for this season - Autumn.

Why did make this?

I find myself forced to reinvent myself (life is happening) but I refuse to become someone and something I'm not. I need support and structure to navigate this phase of my life so I put together the document I needed most. You can take a look by clicking this link.

AI-generated image; southern hemisphere autumn (southern Africa)

I did a new and strange thing today. I put something I made out into the world.

I've been a blogger for years on various platforms, and I have been known (in my circles) as a prolific social media poster.

This is different.

This is different because I made something I like just for myself. Not for attention, not to impress anyone, not to make money or get a job, or to make someone else think that I'm worth of money and a job, but because I want to have it and enjoy it. I hope others like it and I hope that the next version is made better through feedback and engagement, but even if I never get feedback I'm still going to make more.

If Autumn is about going within then baby, I am going within and digging up and bringing me into the world (if you don't get it forget about it. Wink).

Making this left me exhausted and exhilarated. I'm not quite sure what to do with myself because I can't believe that I made it and that I actually shared it and it has my name on it!!!

I feel breathless all of a sudden *fans self.

May beautiful things happen to you and for you.

#self care #self improvement #goddessnature #goddess #goddessbeing #womanism #positive mental attitude #astronomy #autumn #womanist #southern hemisphere #southern africa

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risingblackmoon · 9 months

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I DUNNO IF IM GONNA CONTINUE THIS BC I MESSED UP THE VIBES I WANTED (To be specific, this version doesn't present it like Moon was actively repressing Sun) and. In order to get the right vibes I'd have to completely restart this...

BUT I'm sharing it anyway because it's SOMETHING. I didn't get past the basic sketches, but it exists. This whole thing is based off this post (warning for flashing images) because their deal in the dlc was ABSOLUTELY Moon retaliating against Sun and that has been in my BRAIN

The song is a cover of The Mind Electric by Chonny Jash, and the SPECIFIC verse I'm using is

"See how his feet miss the ground

And he falls inside a hole he dug for me

The kind of irony you’d read in Bible stories

Maybe my existence might be by design

A simple fact that he’ll refuse to see"

BECAUSE THAT'S SO FITTING FOR WHAT'S GOING ON WITH THEM

YEA :)

#fnaf daycare attendant #fnaf sun #fnaf moon #not tagging much bc it just kind of exists

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archon-of-cyberspace · 2 years

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Genshin Impact: Kunikuzushi, Scaramouche, The Wanderer. Do androids dream of electro gnosis?

Friendly reminder: subject to change once 3.3 comes out (and/or I find more intel on Scara).

Buckle up, I'm writing about one of the characters I hate. It's ridiculous Sumeru slightly fleshed him out despite having his debut 2 years ago. Have the plot convinced me to give Scaramouche a chance? Absolutely not. Though it gave me quite an idea to make this post. Until 3.2. version this brat could not exist at all and we wouldn't feel the difference from storytelling perspective, trust me. Anyway…

Scaramouche, also known as Kunikuzushi, is a prototype of puppet brought to life by hands of the Electro Archon, Raiden Ei, who hoped to hide her gnosis in a living, breathing safe before locking her consciousness on Plane of Euthymia in order to prevent (or delay) erosion. Alleged safe was supposed to watch over Inazumians in her name — security measures in case Celestia wants to nail Inazuma. Only through eternity you are closest to Heavenly Principles and all that stuff.

The source of Scaramouche's problems is the fact that he is — as I mentioned before — a prototype, and prototypes have tendency to not meeting the expectation of their creator. Sooner or later, they get replaced by enchanted model.

First time's rarely the charm, with anything, really. — Viktor Vektor, Cyberpunk 2077

Why I quote different game? Well, if the title's not obvious enough, Scaramouche's identity crisis is a trope broadly used in cyberpunk genre, tech-noir and science-fiction in general. Besides, both titles — Cyberpunk 2077 and Genshin Impact — found their inspiration in Gnosticism.

I assume for Ei the puppet is the golden mean — we cannot ignore the fact how much Archons rely on their believers and present themselves in human's image. Think about it. Why Archons' Statues of the Seven portray people and not animals, for example? Because these gods need to feel a connection with persons they take care of, just like residents of Teyvat need divine guidance (or are convinced they need).

If cattle and horses, or lions, had hands, or were able to draw with their feet and produce the works which men do, horses would draw the forms of gods like horses, and cattle like cattle, and they would make the gods' bodies the same shape as their own. — Xenophanes

Fun fact: it's debatable whenever Archons are actually seen as gods in Gnostic texts. They're creators and rulers of physical world, sure, but Philo sharply criticized Platonist school and never referred to Archons as deity beings in his teachings, unlike Plato. Moreover, in Classical Athens archon was a term used to describe a clerk in charge of polis.

Recalling the day of creation of Scaramouche, Ei rejected him as too weak to become a deity when he showed human emotion — cry. That leads me to conclusion Scaramouche shares some characteristic traits with androids from Blade Runner (1982), based on a novel Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep? by Philip K. Dick. Especially with Roy Batty.

He finds his origin in Raiden Ei, but at the same time, his appearance is human. Scaramouche represents both words — divinity and humankind — but belongs to neither. Electro Archon doesn't want share her goddess status with him, while humans are — in Scaramouche's eyes — distrustful of him. Abandonment is such a piercing feeling it eventually results in violence and blasphemy.

Analogously to Roy Batty, a fugitive hunted by blade runners, seeking remembrance. He even killed his own creator, who not only admitted Roy was his best creation, but refused to take responsibility for Roy's fate in the same breath.

Scaramouche's final act is different, without chance to take his anger out on Raiden Ei. Instead, he becomes Shouki no Kami, deus ex machina, and quickly meets his end.

The higher you climb, the harder you fall.

His narcissism mixed with fear prevail in everything he does. Similar to Raskolnikov from Crime and Punishment by F. Dostoevsky, Scaramouche's lying to himself as the realization slowly dawns on him. Holds so desperately to gnosis, a wisdom that doesn't belong to him, he haven't even thought what he possessed was but a mere chess piece, which true worth might be shown only as a part of something bigger.

Might be a lie, an illusion, but it's there… just around the corner. And it keeps you going. — V, Cyberpunk 2077

The Dendro Archon, Lesser Lord Kusanali or Nahida, practically takes role of Scaramouche's mentor and reflection in the mirror. To him, she's everything he was looked down upon for — a sensitive, thoughtful being. Most importantly, successful. Nahida punishes Scaramouche for blasphemy and hubris by taking from Scaramouche what he thinks he values the most — gnosis.

Do you know what hubris is? Arrogance before the gods. The Greeks saw it as a dangerous form of pride that invoked the goddess Nemesis, who would seek retribution. — Faith Seed, Far Cry 5

This time, the retribution is the death of Scaramouche and birth of the Wanderer. Thanks to Nahida, the Wanderer personally experiences allegiance to humankind. Receiving anemo vision is irrefutable proof of acceptance and symbol of freedom from previous life. Changing his identity from Harbinger to Wanderer is no coincidence either, because in tarot the Wanderer is sometimes called the Fool. What does this card mean?

You see, the Wanderer will have to learn how to live anew. Whatever happens to him in Sanctuary of Surasthana, isn't a change of heart per se, rather installing a new OS or restoring the factory settings. Let's look at the Wanderer's gacha splash art, shall we?

Source: r/Genshin_Impact_Leaks.

Obviously he stands out compared to other anemo users. He's still an android, similarly to Albedo, but his hurtful connection to Raiden Ei was severed as Celestia has taken their watch over Wanderer.

Quick reminder: Archons aren't directly responsible for distribution of visions and vision in Chinese localization means eye of god. I suspect visions function as a watchlist for every individual outperforming average Teyvat resident, whose soul may (and will be) sealed within — as I like to call it — Library of Souls, in exchange for temporary usage of elemental powers.

If you played Cyberpunk 2077 and remember what Mikoshi is in that game — I think Celestia in Genshin Impact practically works on the same terms. I'll write about it one day, I promise! Now back to the original topic.

Know the theory of colors? Add white to purple and you get blue.

In most cultures white is associated with innocence and purity, as well as death.

In Gnosticism, blue stands for spirituality and divine realms. Galactic pattern and dark, almost black shades around Wanderer suggest that stars in the sky of Teyvat have place even for an outcast like him… however this also applies to his troublesome past.

While studying history, you may notice how rare deep, strong blue color is. Main reason is quite trivial. The expenses of collecting material, ultramarine, were too big for average person; about five times more expensive than gold. If you could afford ultramarine, it meant you were among 1% through most centuries.

The inside of Wanderer's cape is cyan — symbol of youth, tranquility, sometimes royalty. Stories about royal heirs stripped of their wealth and sent to lifetime journey are quite popular in Gnostic texts. A clear indicator that despite living with humans and travelling in order to gain knowledge on his own, Wanderer comes from the will of higher power. Nothing and no one can deny his origin.

Wanderer continues to smirk and behave bratty, because — at the end of the day — he still is the fool. His story has barely started.

#Genshin Impact #Scaramouche #Kunikuzushi #The Wanderer #Sumeru #lore #lore thoughts #theory #Gnosticism #character analysis

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mariellewritesalot · 6 months

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14 Going on 24: To All the Girls I've Been Before

Sometimes I still feel like a teenager in my twenties.

Except not really, because I turn 24 in a few days and I find myself in a small town in Sevilla, Spain with my own apartment just a 6-minute walk from the high school I'll be working in for a school year. I'm doing adult things, like going to the local bakery to order a cake for myself and two boxes of pastries to share with the faculty, paying my own bills, cooking all my meals, booking train tickets for the holidays, and reserving a table at a restaurant in full Spanish without panic. My real teenage self had different dreams fed to her by the innate trophy-daughter urge to please her parents: go to law school, find a nice Catholic boy to marry, and stay in the Philippines forever.

You might have seen it on social media, the teenage girl in her twenties meme. It's a revival of everything we've ever loved growing up as girls together. It's a nice thing, this reclamation of girlhood. An attempt to somehow heal our inner children and reminisce on the times when we were only imagining what it would be like to be an adult. The mythical womanhood. A real 13 going on 30 dilemma. I wish we weren't in such a rush to grow up, but that's the irony of it all. As a grown woman, I often wonder about the girl I was, because despite all this I know I will never be her again.

She was ambitious, naive, too nice, but also a little arrogant it intimidated a lot of people with whom she could have been really good friends. I try to think fondly of the girl I was, and I honor her by preserving some of her interests that will never really go away, even now. I remember every young adult series I was ever obsessed with, alongside the sitcoms with each season I had saved on my netbook. I used to make physical mix CDs and now I curate Spotify playlists. I still get a little excited when a One Direction song plays out of the blue. I hear an indie song from years ago, like now as I type this while Cigarette Daydreams by Cage the Elephant is playing, and wish I could hear it for the first time again. I see old Facebook posts made by teenage me and chuckle at her drama. I unironically consume the Twilight Saga media when I feel a little sad, no matter how cringy people make it out to be. I love pink, books, letters, and stickers. I know every High School Musical song by heart. I have a weirdly specific knowledge of R&B and Hip-hop songs inherited from my brothers. I pray the same prayer at night, the one taught by my parents when I still shared a bedroom with them until I was fifteen.

A little confession: sometimes, despite loving the fact that I am wildly independent, I still miss having my mother around; even if it means having the occasional petty fights. Along with the tiny resentments of never fully living up to the image in her head, failing some of the dreams she also had as a girl, and rejecting the projection. I'm the most stubborn person I know, but sometimes I wish I could crawl under her table at her old office as I did so many times before, and cry before taking that nap I so vehemently refused but always took.

I look at old photos of myself as a teen and wish I was kinder to that girl, so I could unlearn the mean things I think about myself on occasion. One night on a casual doomscroll on Twitter, I read something along the lines of us seeing different versions of ourselves over the years and yearning for those times, how we never fully appreciate the current version until they become another face in a photo from years ago. A memory you didn't know you'd create.

I think about the people I had in my life then: friends, mentors, crushes, classmates, crappy boyfriends (ugh), and want to forgive her for the poor life decisions. She was forgiving to a fault after all, but she still makes me so proud when I remember how she learned her boundaries and stuck with them in the most crucial moments. The ones who were meant to stay are still with me to this day, the others who left have also left their mark on this version of me now, in some way. Some people have already arrived and others I'm looking forward to meeting soon. The growing pains feel especially potent as I continue to learn that change is constant and that sometimes who or what I want isn't necessarily good for me. The universe makes it known too often; I have to learn it by heart at some point.

Ultimately, I'd like to think she'd be so proud of me. Maybe, I turned out better than she hoped. I could also be such a stranger to her, a disappointment; her preparation for the real world. I still have a lot of work to do before I'm the adult she would have trusted and aspired to be, but knowing I'm on that path makes me confident that I can handle my problems like a grown-up. Being in my early twenties is to straddle the line between too young and too old, wanting to always do the mature thing, but sometimes still feeling like I'm a kid playing the role of someone who has it together. I don't. I don't think anyone does, really, not even older adults I know with much more interesting stories and problems. I try not to control everything and let things be because sometimes it's the only thing to do. Plans do fail, but somehow, things always work out for the better.

When I think of that transition from being just a girl to an adult with actual consequences, I remember Rory Gilmore crying in front of her grandfather at the end of Gilmore girls season 5; when she realized that she was no longer the golden child she was, but a young adult that might not be good enough for all of her aspirations.

I think about such tender moments of my girlhood, all the times I was teased for being chubby or having curly, unruly hair that earned me nicknames like Lion King or Hagrid. The first time I ever wore eyeliner to a family Christmas party, an uncle commented with such disdain, thinking I was doing it for attention. I'm weirdly familiar with terms like "malandi" or its English variations, even when I was just being friendly. In my first high school relationship, people gossiped about how my then-boyfriend was only with me so he could get higher grades, not for my looks. I know how they talked about a relationship they knew nothing about, completely overlooking how much I was hurt by this boy they adored just because he played some sport. I remember being a teenager, learning what it means to be attracted to another person romantically, and having a relative tell my mom, "Marielle's so into boys, ano?" even when I was single at the time and didn't really care for anything but starting college. There were weird older men who were creeps, and yet somehow I was made out to be some kind of a mastermind that lured them in. I was just a girl.

The beauty and innocence of girlhood are also marred by these moments of misogyny, sadly looking like a rite of passage every girl I know has gone through--one way or another.

At 16, all the pain I felt then felt like the rest of my life. A few days shy of 24, I realize that some pains are just too great that they will always stay, faintly, but life is so ridiculously unpredictable that there is no way we'll live on without incredible moments to show for it.

I look back on the year I just had in disbelief because so much has happened, most of them completely unexpected while others were dreams I worked hard to make my reality. I finished my undergraduate thesis on Filipino food and restaurants in the Filipino-American diaspora and graduated Magna Cum Laude from UP Diliman. I was in love with someone who I thought fit me so perfectly and felt the full aftermath of that heartbreak, lamented the impossibility of long-distance relationships, and believed I'd never do better; only to discover more about myself in the next few months and move on to a more beautiful love I never thought possible. I got into the 61st Silliman University National Writers Workshop, on my first (and could have been last, because I didn't know then when I'd be back in the PH) try, and spent two magical weeks in Dumaguete learning more about writing with the most amazing group of writers I now consider another chosen family.

I also outgrew some close friends. I had to process this unworldly form of devastation by going through all the stages of grief a million times over. I've reflected on what I can do better to nurture my relationships, and grown more appreciative of the unconditional friendships I have that continue to withstand time. I kept learning Spanish for two years and moved to Spain to explore more opportunities. It's been one of the most interesting years of my life so far, the emotions rising and falling like waves that sometimes consumed me whole. I've been through so much in year 23 that I'm both thrilled and horrified for the big 24, a year away from my expected quarter-life crisis.

I've always loved birthdays, by the way, and maybe I'll move on from it the older I get. I always look forward to the sweet messages and spending time with my friends and family. I like welcoming another year as an opportunity for me to try and do better. For this year, though, I don't have solid plans. It's on a Monday and I have classes to teach until 2:30pm. I reserved a cake with flowers all around it and a dedication written in Spanish, something the lady at the bakery wrote for me. I might take a few pictures with my film camera, invite some work colleagues for drinks, and cook Filipino spaghetti the way my mom does it. Maybe I'll call her, think of the ending to the movie, Lady Bird (2017). I could take the bus to the city center or enjoy a nice dinner alone with my Kindle. I might take calls from my friends and cry over their messages, miss everyone a little deeper.

I'll never be the girl I was, but she's still inside me somewhere. There's comfort in the growth. How to Say Goodbye by Paul Tiernan is playing through my laptop speakers. Someday, I'll look back to this time and remember what it felt like to anticipate my 24th birthday in Spain: a little lonely, slightly thrilling, and inevitably different.

I'll be changed, but not really--and it will be okay.

#mariellewritesalot #daily life blog posts #24th #birthday essay #girlhood

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rivalsforlife · 3 years

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have u seen the aai musical? i dont think that one has subtitles but it being the only piece of media in the entire ace attorney franchise that wholeheartedly attempted to give edgeworth a female love interest is bold imo

ohhh the aai musical. if you can call it that. the greatest insult to aai2 and gregory edgeworth I've seen in my life. I did actually find out recently after MUCH digging that it actually does have subtitles, and it's been there for over a year, although it is the subtitle file on its own and not timed to the video you'll be able to find somewhat easily (you can find the subtitles here) - since the person who did the translation and subtitling specifically requested it not be uploaded onto a public video I've kept quiet about it until now, so like... honor system for whoever's reading this to not go against their wishes, that would be extremely rude. I basically opened the subtitle file in notepad and read that side by side with the musical and it's. hm. something.

(And since I'm weirdly obsessed with the musicals I also modified the subtitles a bit to clean it up a bit (some grammatical things, modifying the names in places to make them fit the characters better like having Larry call him "Edgey" instead of "Edgeworth", and changed some of the repeated songs to match the other two translated ones) and THEN timed my new script to the copy of the musical I could find. I don't want to upload this subtitle file because idk what the original subtitler's thoughts on that are and I'm too scared to ask, but. all this is to say I have watched a subtitled version of this musical. I MAY be persuaded to give a link to the script I wrote out for people to watch side by side; I just don't want it to be too easy for someone to take the file and upload it to a public video, which although I don't really have any major moral objections to it because this *never had a dvd release so you can't find it anywhere anyways*, I want to respect the wishes of the person who did all the hard work of translating.)

I'm waiting on the person who did the other two musicals to finish this before I talk about this one since I think it's kinda unfair of me to talk about this version that I have that I refuse to share with anyone? Plus the original subtitler has made it clear that the subtitles may not be the most accurate, and this musical actually deals with some more sensitive subjects (primarily the topic of illegal immigration) where I'd like to be sure of the true meaning before I start commenting on it.

However I WILL give you the rundown of Heterosexual Edgeworth's Greatest Hits:

^ that's a rose. just to be clear. he takes it out of his pocket and dramatically sniffs it a few times throughout the musical.

^ he’s known her for all of two minutes

yeah they're on a cafe date and he says this out loud to her.

^ he asked her where she learned to dance and she got upset and ran away. The original subtitles said "women are difficult things" so pick your favourite thing for him to say. oh haha edgeworth just doesn't get the woman he's attracted to inexplicably.

^ this is supposed to be internal narration.

^after this he says “I won’t forget your warmth” which is. well.

And of course we can't forget our good old friend Corrupt Gregory. Which tumblr won't let me post for some reason because it only wants ten images, which may be for the best. Suffice it to say they changed "A Defense Attorney's Knowledge" into a song about him singing about how all he cares about are not guilty verdicts and the truth can be washed away and sink in the dark or whatever.

I'm very much looking forward to being able to rip apart this one because I'm determined to make my insulting of this one break ten thousand words. Heterosexual Edgeworth deserves no less.

* insert general disclaimer that yes you could read Edgeworth as bi or like comphet or something like that especially considering I made the argument that he's in love with Phoenix in the second musical but You Know What They Were Going For.

#asks #I feel like some sort of warning is needed for edgeworth being apparently in love with a woman #I have no idea what that is though #long post

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artobotsrollout · 3 years

Text

Transformers: Harbingers

The Pirate Scream AU

Before I talk about it you guys are the best thank you for indulging me and my AU from this post xjdjd. ❤️ ❤️ ❤️

@badlydrawntransformers @cosmic0de @warrioroffandoms @measlyfurball13 And a bonus thank you to those encouraging me in the tags as well ❤️

I plan to do art for it as well as accompanying written bits and maybe even an animatic but till then have some general info under the cut.

Also there is transformers: Prime spoilers below so open at your own risk.

TRANSFORMERS: HARBINGERS

So this AU comes from the same place many AUs heavily involving TfP Starscream come from: the unfulfilled potential in our boy Scream. Now deeper discussion of that is not gonna be in this post. It'd be a whole essay.

It also comes from just how salty I was that the Team's kindness never really benefitted them much and they kept getting slapped for it. And OP really wanted to win over a con and Starscream kept wanting a partner. ALSO ALSO Optimus was portrayed as keeping his emotions in check and then never really gets a message that it's okay to be emotional so... I'm doing that here.

And the Starscream Pirate AU was born...

Aka Transformers: Harbingers (maybe idk if it's catchy enough djjsw)

Why Harbingers? ''It's just a SHIP Starscream chills in for awhile in the show' ' I hear you say. WELL HANG ON!! I got two very good reasons!! .

First off: Starscream, with the help of some Cybertronians who he wins over one way or another (Ill get to that), help him essentially use the remains of the Harbinger to put together their own functional ship. It's smaller than the Nemesis and will take some pirate ship inspiration. While it is a hardy beast it's a bit jury rigged.

Second of all:

Imagine being a fictional character living in a ship with a name that basically means 'Foreshadowed bringer of change' and then going back to Megatron and his bullshit. I'm gonna grab this and run all the way with it. Highway to Hell just came on my Spotify so... That may be an omen.

---------

NOW LISTEN

I feel like Starscream and Optimus could really have had such an interesting dynamic but we never really got to see that in TfP and I feel cheated. Also both could have mutually benefitted a great deal.

So what do I do? I shove them together to be sorta begrudging Co-Captains. As a result there's a lot of shenanigans to be had!

How this happens OP has some run ins with cons and, through a way I'm still deciding, has the opportunity to extend a hand to Starscream. Starscream, being kindness starved, doesn't entirely know what to do about Optimus being nice to him one whole time with no sarcasm or ulterior motive and sorta starts trying to get his attention.

Starscream and his crew are a bit of their own team at this point. MEANING sort of new LOGOS!

I'm yoinking the crossed out Decepticon logo from the Dark Energon Starscream and Dark Energon Knockout toys cause I mean... It's right there and also kinda like a skull and crossbones. It fits too well guys.

Starscream essentially manages to win over the autobots enough so they can sorta make a mutually beneficial, if strained, alliance to aid their aligned goal: killing Megatron and revitalizing cyberton. This is aided by some slight changes to the plot of course. It's also a benefit, much to Ratchet's delight, since they finally get some cybertronian tech to work with.

And so they gotta work together to take Megatron out and there's much bonding moments esp later when the autobot base is destroyed. Starscream extends his hand to them and offers them a more permanent position onboard. (rubbing in how unfortunate their situation is and how this is such a big favour but he's paying Optimus back.)

And insert team dynamic stuff!! Like cons teaming up with Bots, Starscream and Optimus trying to stick with it leading their own teams but keep accidently backseat-leadering one another. I will write some other ex-con and bot dynamics cause there's a lot of chaos to be had.

Optimus doesn't open up to his crew for morale sake and masks his emotions well, and Starscream is... well Starscream is Starscream so he masks what he truly feels a lot and doesn't share a lot of personal stuff besides complaints with his team either. So there's a lot of tension.... That is until Starscream has had it at just how good a poker face Prime has.

Because he's absolutely paranoid got a harmless curiosity about Optimus's ulterior motives and wants potential dirty secrets he can use as blackmail to have power over the Prime, he essentially puts cybertronian booze (but kid friendly version of course fbejek) in Optimus's energon heavily expecting him to spill the beans when heavily drunk. What he doesn't expect is that Optimus is just... LIKE THAT to his core. He's smart but very sad and guilty. And maybe a bit weepy and exhausted cause this man has not shown an emotion for eons now. /s. Starscream doesn't know wtf to do but swayed by how earnest Optimus is he sorta softens up and does open up. Might have helped that he took a swig of the tainted energon to get on his level though. But it also helps that neither is the others subordinate so they don't need to maintain their image as badly with the Co-captain as they do their team.

The ex cons sorta accidently absorb some of the autobot's morals over time. The cons help the autobots have some fun. There's a lot of stuff learned both ways. Also the cons realize how cool humans can be and after a lot of argument and forced time spent with the kids, they want to protect earth too.

Starscream, helps Optimus open up a bit more and allow himself to be emotional. He also shows him how to be a little selfish. Optimus in turn helps him with self confidence and making friends. Both help each other with the shit Megatron put em both through and overall boost one another up. (This also does change the start of the war a bit but I'll get to that in another post.)

Miko tries to fight all of the cons at first but quickly changes her tune cause "BOOYAH PIRATE CONS!!"

Other bits about this AU:

Starscream will eventually get a slight design change. It'll be less scrappy and look more confident and put together. It'll be minor

Because they are on a flying ship but have less energon than the Nemesis, everyone gets equipped with mods for flight. There is a jetpack upgrade one can get or Knockout can straight up help change their alt mode surgically.

I'm working up a list of who gets what flight mod but... Ya'll should know that Wheeljack dares Knockout to make him into a flying car. Largely cause I just got the image of Wheeljack flying above vehicons and just turning into a car and dropping on them. That and driving up the side of the Nemesis and confusing the fuck out of Megatron. Out of all the characters you know that would be a Wheeljack thing.

Arcee and Knockout grieve together.

Knockout loves bugging the hell out of Ratchet. It's extra fun for him cause Ratchet often can't do shit about it since they both need the room and tools.

Knockout and Wheeljack become an insufferable duo with the nicknames they have for everyone.

Wheeljack won't leave Starscream alone and keeps coming up with worse and worse nicknames like he did with Ratchet.

Starscream and Ratchet become complaining buddies.

STARSCREAM'S SEEKER SQUAD REJOINS. Well some of them. Skywarp, Thundercracker and maybe other peeps.

Miko manages to befriend Skywarp and Bulkhead now has to watch both Miko AND Skywarp. Wheeljack refuses to help Bulkhead round them up.

Raf hits it off with Thundercracker.

Knockout: "FINALLY a team with fragging MANNERS!"

Instead of Beeftimus Prime from the forge, Optimus actually gets access to a third alt mode and.. Idk something else primely. So he actually gets wings.

Starscream and the other fliers are greatly amused because Optimus, as great as he is at his poker face most of the time, hasn't yet figured out how to not emote with the pair of wings he gets from the forge. Thundercracker is the one who eventually informs him while the rest of the crew are booing loudly in the background.

I actually do have designs of TFP Skywarp, Thundercracker, and Ironhide in the works.

Fowler and Starscream have insult battles. Oddly both grow a weird almost fondness for these verbal sparring sessions

They frequently raid the Nemesis

Miko keeps talking in a pirate voice. Smokescreen has joined her.

AND A LOT OF OTHER STUFF I'LL GET INTO WITH MORE DETAIL AND ART. I'll also talk more in depth about some of these things that isn't a ramble like this post is. xnwjskw.

Feel free to ask about anything you're curious about.

#My aus #Autothots content #Transformers: Prime Au #Tfp au #Transformers: Harbingers #Harbingers AU

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dutchdread · 3 years

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Hello! I'm quite new in FFVII fandom and I have a doubt. Soldier Cloud doesn't remember he loved Tifa, right? Why? It's a confusing point and I'm finding contradictory opinions on the web. Thanks

Edit: I originally went into a lot of specifics for this post, but I just realized that since you're a newbie, your question might have been a bit more surface level than how I read it. I figured you were asking about how it's possible to forget a feeling, but you might have been asking about the mechanics behind his memory loss in general, so I'll give a quick answer concerning that first, then if you wanted a more in-depth answer, you can read on. Clouds memory loss is the result of three different parts: 1: Jenova cells. Cloud has been injected with Jenova cells, Jenova is able to read minds and adjust its host based on that. Jenova tricked the cetra by coming in the guise of their loved ones. She's a parasite, through Jenova Sephiroth is able to exert his will on those who share Jenova cells. Clouds persona was made up for a large part of memories that were read from Tifa. Had Cloud not received that specific input he would likely have become one of the black robed individuals, completely sub-subservient to Sephiroths will. 2: Mako poisoning. Cloud was drenched in Mako, Mako is made up out of condensed lifestream, which are the souls and memories of the dead. This basically jumbled up his own soul to where it became difficult for him to keep his own identity intact. This is similar to dying where your soul is mingled with the lifestream and you lose your individuality. Cloud had a weak sense of self and was therefore very susceptible to this effect. 3: Emotional trauma. Cloud is ashamed of his failures, he failed to protect Tifa as a kid, failed to join soldier, failed to save his mother, failed to save Nibleheim, failed to save Tifa AGAIN, and failed to save Zack. Cloud can't live with the past and set-up emotional barriers in order to protect himself from the truth of his past. Those are the three reasons in a nut-shell, for a more detailed explanation about how it's possible for Cloud to actually forget his feelings, read on. These are the kinds of things where a bit of interpretation and reading between the lines is unavoidable, there is not some kind of detailed guide on exactly what Soldier Cloud remembers and feels, but this is my informed opinion.

We run into a problem here where first we have to go through the tricky business of describing what love actually is. If you want my more detailed opinion on that, I recommend reading this post: "What is love, baby don't hurt me"

You said you're new to the fandom, so let me first warn you that I will go into spoilers about basically everything, so if you happen to only have played remake, I'd advise against continuing. What is important for this question is that one of the main things that distinguishes love from merely a physiological reaction is an intellectual understanding of who you are, who the other person is, what they mean to you, and why. Otherwise, love would be reduced just a chemical reaction in your body. If, for some reason, I were to totally forget about my brother, and were then to run into him would I still have an emotional reaction to him? Would I sub-consciously still know that this is someone who matters deeply to me? Or would he feel the same as a stranger? I can't confidently say one way or the other, nor do the real life working of love necessarily apply to a fictional setting, but I do know that my memories of him, and my conscious knowledge of what he means to me is at the very least an important part of the emotional experience. Lets break up your question into several parts to get some nuance, because you might be asking one of several things. 1: Why does soldier Cloud not remember that he used to have feelings for Tifa when he was a child. 2: Why does Cloud losing his memories also make him temporarily lose his current love for Tifa. Both of these questions have similar answers. The first thing to point out is that Clouds condition isn't "memory loss", memory loss is a part of it, but it's more like a symptom. The real problem is closer to repression. Cloud doesn't just "not remember" the past, he's repressing it. He's repressing who he was, and everything that might conflict with the fake persona he's built for himself. When he hears the word "Zack", it's not just a name he can't remember, no, his mind straight up refuses to even hear it. This is the first clue to why Cloud might not "remember his feelings", because if they don't fit the image he's trying to convey, he would repress them. But I think Cloud is, on some level, aware of his feelings. When he thinks Tifa gets injured, he panics, when someone flirts with Tifa, he gets jealous. He gives her the flower, he calls her beautiful. But if he were to act like a smitten village boy, that would definitely not fit the cool soldier façade he's putting on, so he's hiding those emotions from both the outside world, and himself. In my opinion we all put on some sort of mask when dealing with other people, although for the most of us it's not that intense, it's pretending to be happy when you're sad, keeping calm when really you're fuming, but for Cloud it's a bit different his façade is not just a mask he puts on for the world while he himself knows he's different in private, Cloud himself believes the lie. His mind will even lie to itself in order to protect himself from the truth. And the truth is very much entwined with his feelings concerning Tifa. All of his posturing, all of his failures, all of his inadequacies spring from those events in his childhood. So not only is Clouds mind repressing all the real memories of those times, causing Cloud to not realizing how important Tifa really is, but it's highly likely that it would even repress the memories of the feelings that caused all of it, along with the feelings themselves. I think most people can relate about having embarrassing childhood memories about stupid things we did to impress some girl or boy. And to recap the mechanics behind it, there are three main contributing factors. The first are the Jenova cells in his body, Jenova can read minds and shapeshift, and acts almost like a parasite taking over its host. This is the first and most important part of the actual mechanics of how Cloud lost his memories, and since this is a little more tangible than just normal human repression, it's not to be wondered at that the effects might be a bit more extreme and far-reaching than they would be if a person in our world was suffering from trauma induced memory repression. The second is the Mako

showers Cloud experienced. Mako is made from condensed lifestream, and contains the thoughts and feelings of the dead. When someone with a weak sense of self, like Cloud, is showered in Mako, it becomes easy to lose sight of who you really are in the maelstrom of thoughts and voices. This would very likely aid make your mind more malleable. The third is normal human psychology. Most stories have internal and external hurdles to overcome, when done correctly the external hurdles are in some way representative of the internal emotional struggles. The mechanics through which something happens represents some deeper, more human moral lesson or experience. In this case, while mechanically Clouds fake persona is created by the Jenova cells, narratively it is caused by his feelings of inadequacy, his fear of failure, and his desire to be someone he's not. That's the human story that is being told through swords and explosions. You have to look at these things together to really understand Clouds fake persona, the narrative purpose it serves, and as a result, why his relationship with Tifa would be one of the things that gets repressed. It's not the memories themselves that matter most, it's the emotions associated with them.

There is some irony here, Cloud originally wanted to be a soldier in order to get Tifa to notice him, but actually living out that "cool guy" persona requires him to not acknowledge those feelings, luckily for him, "soldier Cloud" isn't the version of Cloud that Tifa is interested in anyway.

#Cloti #Tifa Strife #cloud strife #ffvii remake

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catty-words · 4 years

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it's me again! i haven't really seen any analysis/meta/discussion abt NHIE (i'm pretty new to the fandom) and i really liked your last answer to my q so i was wondering if u had any thoughts on ben/devi as a relationship (not necessarily just the romantic aspect of it but like as a whole) and paxton\devi as a relationship as well and like ur thoughts on all that. sorry if this is werid!

The short version? I love them both and find it really cool that season one gives both relationships a complete arc. As for the long version…

Devi/Paxton: Popular guy gradually comes to appreciate all nerdy girl has to offer is a cute trope, right? Right. Of course, the thing I love the most about it in Never Have I Ever is that behind that cuteness is a lot of dysfunction. Devi chooses to pin all her post-trauma hopes and dreams on Paxton not only because his image holds enough power over the school to overshadow her stint in a wheelchair, but also because he has no idea who she is. He walks past her without seeing her at his swim meet. He’s clean across the parking lot and has not even the tiniest inkling of an idea that he’s about to distract Devi from her trauma long enough to get her walking again. He doesn’t remember that she sits behind him in history class.

And that appeals to Devi because, at the beginning of the season, she’s not looking for intimacy or true connection with Paxton. She’s looking for the image of normalcy. She’s looking to rebrand. So when Dr. Ryan convinces her that getting a boyfriend, any boyfriend, is not the way to do it, Devi—not wanting to completely give up her plan and fueled by Ben’s recent exacerbation of her insecurities—swerves right past the true point of Dr. Ryan’s words to set her sights on having sex.

I adore the way the first season is driven entirely by Devi’s unabashed horniness. She thinks Paxton’s hot and gets to openly gaze at him. She has wholesome ‘I know nothing about sex other than I want this shirtless boy in my bed’ sex dreams. And I adore the way that, on the flip side of that very straightforward and relatable feeling, is how focusing exclusively on her desire for Paxton is shown to cause a lot of her problems. She both gets to indulge her fantasy and get so lost in it, it becomes actively harmful to her life.

Meanwhile, on Paxton’s side of things, we get to see him become very quickly interested in intimacy and true connection. When it becomes clear that Devi’s not actually able to indulge in casual sex—because as much as she might not be looking for true intimacy, she sure cannot bring herself to relax into the surface intimacies hooking up requires—Paxton draws the line for her (no, we shouldn’t keep trying to meet in my garage) but continues to seek out her friendship. Shortly after calling off their attempts to hookup, he chooses her to be in his group for a class project. He’s excited to see Devi show up for Trent’s party. He asks her what Ganesh Puja means to her. Moreover, he opens up a very vulnerable side of himself to her in his relationship with Rebecca.

So, yeah, there’s an obvious imbalance of power in the relationship, and it’s actually not weighted in Paxton’s favor as the trope would initially have you believe. Paxton falls for Devi’s boldness and her YOLO approach to living. He cares about her well-being, as demonstrated by him asking if she’s okay post-pool fall. For Devi, on the other hand, it’s not especially clear whether she realizes just how much she keeps looking at Paxton and seeing only her fantasy, only what he can offer her, instead of the hints of a real person with his own shit to deal with he keeps trying to give her. Look no further than the narration after their kiss—“She just snagged her first kiss from a teenage Adonis. As far as Devi’s concerned, that car ride just solved all her problems.” By the eleventh hour of the season, Paxton is well and truly interested in building a relationship with Devi, while Devi’s excited for their kiss not because Paxton has shown that he cares about her. She’s excited because what she’d wanted this whole time—the image boost of being with him—is well within her reach.

Now, it probably sounds like I think Devi’s callous for this, but not so!! I think it’s impressive, the way the season manages to clearly show Devi’s motivations as sympathetic while also refusing to fully endorse her actions. She’s for sure using Paxton, and it’s not an especially good look. But her desperate desire to be seen as normal—to be talked about for reasons of her choosing and not because life decided to knock her out with some serious shit for a while there—is so, so heartbreakingly accessible to me. Wanting to control your own narrative is a fascinating theme for a fictional character to explore. And the packaging this theme comes in—Devi’s witticisms and Devi’s yearning to have more time with her dad—is charming as hell, is human and heart-wrenching. I love Devi with all my heart. So I don’t dislike her for using Paxton. Also, I love Devi with all my heart, so I can totally relate to the way Paxton falls for her.

Devi/Ben: Rivals to…an undefined something else. Not as cutesy of a trope, which works perfectly because Devi and Ben—though they certainly have their moments that make me squeal—are not cute with each other. Their relationship is about challenge, about being held accountable because messing up is grounds for mockery. And with that accountability and that constant attention paid—I mean, even the point I made earlier, about Ben’s “unfuckable nerd” comment being present in Devi’s mind when she decides to ask Paxton if he wants to have sex, is proof of the way Devi and Ben constantly exert an influence on each other—comes unexpected vulnerability and intimacy.

Which, again, Devi is not looking for. But unlike with Paxton, Devi doesn’t have unrealistic expectations of her dynamic with Ben to get in the way when actual intimacy starts to develop, and therefore she has no readily accessible place to hide. For this reason, she actually ends up leaning on Ben a lot, leaning into the growing compassion between them, and accidentally stumbles into some mortifying ordeal of being known shit. All throughout season one, Devi is honest with Ben without being cornered into that honesty. He reads her mood in the second episode and surmises that her plan to “get railed” didn’t go well, and she lets him offer his Ben-flavored wisdom when just a couple minutes before, she made the choice to mislead her best friends. Ben is the first person she tells about not actually having sex with Paxton, where she has to be put on the spot by Eleanor’s mom to actually make the confession to Eleanor and Fabiola. She asks Ben if she can move in with him and spends a lot of the final episode talking out her feelings about her fight with Nalini and saying goodbye to her dad with him.

So yeah, there’s certainly an imbalance in their relationship, too. Devi leans more heavily on Ben than he gets to on her. Of course, she does have a lot more going on in her life than Ben does. Plus, this imbalance is not quite as insurmountable as the stuff with Paxton. Navigating it won’t be as big an obstacle. As it is, Devi gives Ben the sympathetic ear he needs on more than one occasion—in the kitchen in episode six and at the party in episode eight. He may have to specifically ask for her to shut up and listen in episode six—“I’m trying to be vulnerable here!”—but I think that’s more proof that they’re accidentally really well-suited for each other because of the way their rivalry has built accountability. Stop being a dick for a second, I have something important to share with you. It’s a parallel sense of isolation and image-contentiousness you’re battling. Doesn’t that make the burden of feeling these things just a little bit lighter?

Triangulation: In summation—Paxton kisses Devi to show her that he cares, that he’s not done with her, and she totally misses that in favor of idolizing the relationship they don’t fully have. Devi kisses Ben because he showed her he cares—he stayed!—and she wanted him to know she got the message. Which means, next season, Devi gets to make a choice between something she spent all of season one wanting and something she hadn’t at all expected to want. But, in either case, she gets to explore a relationship with a boy who cares deeply about her—which makes me really excited for her because, you guessed it! I love Devi with all my heart.

#never have i ever #devi x paxton #devi x ben #nhie meta #silverchaired #replies #it was fun to finally sit down and put all my thoughts into words #thanks for sending this!

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