#I'll be deleting the posts in a day or two cause I quite frankly don't care enough | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

bosskie · 10 months

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Explaining myself

I wanna explain myself and talk a bit:

I prefer to keep a low profile, be basically invisible, when it comes to my art too. Therefore I'm quite asocial here but I'm still observing what others are doing and talking about. I still suffer from an awful self-hatred and it affects me a lot... I'm gonna have a short therapy next fall but in the meantime, I just have to try to figure out by myself what could help me. I'm still not alone with this but this is my responsibility and my mind just does its best to deny everything positive about me... I don't even wanna think about how many times I have just wanted to be gone... No matter what I have achieved in life, my mind keeps telling me that I'm nothing... It's heavy to deal with this and I know that I can be heavy person to follow... I feel sorry for everything my disorder/illness causes, even it's not my fault that my mind is not okay...

I still wanted to doodle something for this post since I really appreciate people who can stand me and wish to support me, even I cannot understand why:

A rough, quick-ish Molluck sketch. This took under two hours. I might continue this one day but I'll see... My refined pieces take about ten times more time than this. Frankly, I still feel like I cannot draw Molluck properly... He is challeging to draw and I'm still studying how to draw him.

But I'm still trying to fight, even it can be difficult... Sometimes, I think that even Molluck deserves someone better than me, that I should 'leave him alone', stop doing anything related to him... It's basically just my self-hatred since Molluck is such a big part of my daily life...

It's difficult to be a content creator when I also tend to feel that I'm just ruining everything... Sometimes, I feel that I'm ruining the Oddworld feed here too... My self-hatred is just this bad... I know that I have no reasons to hate myself but I still hate myself... I still try to post my art here, even it can be difficult for me... When I think this stuff, it keeps reminding me of my Soulstorm tattoo design submission; I was about to delete my submission after I had submitted it.

I thought that this was nothing like they wanted but I was so wrong... I won. Right now, I feel that I would change this a bit but I'm not sure if it would look any better... And if someone wonders why I thought that this was nothing like they wanted, well, I just thought that my drawing looks crappy and not tattoo-like enough, being just a some kind of portrait. But the reason why I'm talking about this is that it's just such a good example of how severe my self-hatred is... Oh, and OWI hasn't contacted me yet, still, but right now, I have no will to contact them either. I'll see that later on. I have felt so depressed recently, again... I have felt better too but now, this mood hit me.

I just wanna be honest with you. I'm not perfect but neither is anyone else. This is my fight and the others have their own too. I wish that my story could have a happy ending but it's not a sure thing... I still don't know if it's even worth it... I feel too often worth of nothing, for no reason...

I feel so sorry, even this is not my fault... Mind can get sick like body too. I appreciate that you stand me, even wanna support me... It's making me cry... I feel quite often like someone to be forgotten, someone not to love, to be erased... But like my winner piece was titled, 'Don't give up!'. It's not easy but I keep trying my best.

#art like a bosskie

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tombpigeon · 2 months

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Something important

I want to speak my truth while talking about what I believe is a very important topic. I know I don't have many followers and not many people will see this but if I'm ever successful with my future content creation then there's a chance it could help someone. I'm also using this account to get this information off my chest. I've felt a kind of confidence seeing others speak about the things they've gone through. I've been lucky that those who hurt me weren't content creators so I don't have the horror of seeing their face all over social media.

One person I'll never see again as our paths have long since split and the other I never saw the face of so I wouldn't know him if I saw him. I suppose I'll tell my story first and then get to the message. I'm going to talk about two specific experiences I've had although I have experienced other traumatising things. These two instances have affected me the most. When I was 11 years old I created an account on an art website called DeviantArt, I loved to draw as a child and wanted to share my work with others especially others who enjoyed the same fandoms as me. I posted a lot of Eddsworld because Edd Gould has been one of my biggest inspirations in terms of art and animation. I made some good friends on this account including someone I've known for 10 years now. However, I was a naive child that didn't understand a lot of things.

A much older man began talking to me on this site. I'm not sure how these interactions started exactly but my own detective work tells me that he would've definitely been in his 20s at the time of the interactions. Bear in mind here that I was 11 and despite lying to DeviantArt to make an account I was very upfront about my real age in my posts and had posted selfies where I was visibly a young child. If my art and grammar didn't give me away then my own words and actual face definitely did. I didn't realise the true nature of this man's conversations until many years later (after the second instance that I will talk about) and the pain of unlocking that memory and realising what had been done to me still affects me even now. He didn't groom me in a way that could've in anyway registered as wrong in my young mind. He didn't say inappropriate words or talk about genitals. This fully grown man tricked 11 year old me into feeding his fetish. A fetish that very very few preteens would have any knowledge of. His reactions to the content I unknowingly provided him could only be read as perverted by an adult that knew what they were looking at. It was sneaky and there's no doubt in my mind he knew what he was doing.

I posted this content thinking it was silly fun stuff with my new friend. I was feeding the fetish of a grown man without even knowing I was doing it. When I discovered this while looking back at this old profile for nostalgia purposes, I desperately deleted these photos. I don't know if he ever saved them but I have reason to believe he did. I know that he knew what he was doing was wrong and you know how I know that? I wasn't the only person he contacted to feed this fetish but from analysing his profile it seems he only ever reposted the content that adults made for him. He never reposted or openly spoke about our interactions. He knew. I would love to out this man for what he is but the profile is long dead with no real name to identify him. My attempts would either be met with silence or cause me problems I quite frankly do not need right now. My second experience is one that has affected my relationships and ability to feel sexual attraction from the day it happened. While a lot of people on the ace spectrum are born that way some of us have very trauma based identities. I identify as demisexual but I didn't always feel that way. Before this second incident I was your average horny teen that looked at inappropriate content when my parents weren't looking. Now I feel no sexual attraction until a connection is made with someone (not by choice it simply just does not exist). I wish I could have casual sex and enjoy it but even friends with benefits leaves a hole in my heart. When I was 15-16 (I'm foggy on the year as I went through a lot after) I was pressured into sexual acts by someone I considered a close friend.

It was during the summer before our last year of highschool(we finish highschool at 16 in the UK) and I excitedly made plans to hang out with this close friend at their house. I wore a turtleneck, loose fitting jeans and my usual dirty trainers. At the time I identified as a girl because I was still coming to terms with my own identity and battling internalised transphobia. When I got to their house I immediately felt like something was off but I've always been anxious and socially inept so I just dismissed these feelings. It was just us and their cats as neither their parents or sibling were present. These cats I knew to be very reactive and I had actually been badly scratched by one of them before so I was naturally a bit on edge with them. We watched an episode of a show they liked sat in armchairs on the opposite side of the room. When we finished the episode the next one began to play and they suddenly paused it and said my name. I turned to look at them and felt a sudden discomfort at the way they were looking at me. They asked me if I wanted to be friends with benefits. I had never done anything sexual with anyone before, I was unsure and I hesitated. Their eyes changed to a more menacing look, subtle but enough that even as an autistic person I picked up on it. I stuttered trying to find the words and they started to shift out of their seat. I knew this person could easily hurt me, they'd jokingly done so in the past twisting my arm behind my back and pinning me. I knew this person reacted harshly to things and had hit classmates and other friends. I was afraid and I don't think I made much of an effort to hide it.

I mumbled something along the lines of sure and they stood up fully (being much taller than me especially as I was still sat down) and with a smile that one could easily see on a snake before it lunges at you asked "Are you sure?" I hesitated again and that change happened again but more obvious. A slight tilt to the head, a twitch of their mouth, that glint in their eyes. I nodded and they quietly led me up to their room and as we reached it they shuffled around so that they were now in the doorway. I'll stop here as I don't want to go into detail about exactly what they did and made me do. They grimaced and sneered at my naked body the entire time and when it was over they frantically washed their hands and told me "Thanks I definitely know I'm gay now". I checked my phone and found a missed call from my mum, she picked me up and I didn't tell her anything. I got in the shower as soon as we got home and threw up curled up in a ball sobbing. I spoke to friends about it but it's never left me. When confronted after they claimed it was accidental and apologised but I'm unsure how to feel about that. I've been mentally unwell ever since that day and I don't know if I'll ever feel better especially because bad things have continued to happen.

I wanted to post this into the void of my social medias to encourage people to talk about these awful things to someone they know so that it doesn't eat away at them like it has done me and many others. To anybody under 18 who may come across this post, please do not trust every adult you interact with online. There are a lot of bad people who use the internet as their get out of jail free card. Please be safe and I hope that all survivors find the strength to talk about what happened to them.

Thank you.

#sa survivor #vent post

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